Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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True Gain From Non Action and Not Interfering

The idea that I don’t need to know how to solve a problem, especially with my mind, is quite radical.

I always believed that in the end, I would be able to solve any major problem (or die trying)!

I just needed to try hard enough, keep looking, consult the experts, study the problem, and hunt down the answer.

Recently I did The Work with a man who felt suicidal, depressed and angry.

He said “I’ve felt this way for so many years, I don’t know what it’s like NOT to feel like this.”

Almost all the participants in Eating Peace (the teleclass that just started) expressed deep, profound discouragement in how long they have suffered with this whole food and eating dilemma.

Here is the way that voice speaks who believes you have a terrible problem….and therefore, you better solve it:

  • if I just figured out the missing key, I’d get this
  • that other approach may have worked for her, but not for me
  • maybe there’s no solution for me….that’s so depressing
  • I hate hate hate this condition
  • there must be something wrong with me
  • I’ve tried everything, to no avail

Here’s the thing.

Feeling absolutely horrendous about something…like so bad you want to crawl under a rock, or die…is a really, really trapped place.

You can’t see anything positive about your situation. Nada.

When I went to a meditation retreat with Adyashanti for the first time, I approached the microphone with a question.

When I got up there, I couldn’t really remember my question.

I said “I’ve tried everything…..” and then instead of listing out all the things I had tried, in an effort to understand life, I choked up and started crying.

Adyashanti said “congratulations”.

What??!

Part of me wanted to say…“wait, you don’t understand….”

But a little light began to glow, with the awareness of how strongly I had held on to the belief that I will solve this LIFE problem (I will understand it clearly) AND that there WAS a terrible problem.

Who would you be without the thought that you have a terrible problem……a devastating, unsolvable problem that you will never be able to live with happily?

You don’t have to have a solution, there’s nothing else required, there’s nothing missing….only no thought that you actually have a problem.

What if trying to solve it has maybe fueled it, or made it worse, or you’ve been using the mind to solve something that it can’t?

Who would you be without the thought that you need to know what to do, right in this moment, today?

I get this start-from-scratch feeling, but not in the mind. More like this is a fresh moment, now.

I notice anxiety, sadness, memories, pictures from my past, feelings and energy moving.

But that is not all that is here. There is something watching, being here, noticing everything without judgment.

“Your way out is to just notice who’s noticing. It’s really that simple…..Be an explorer, witness it. And then it will go.” ~ Michael Singer 

I turn the thoughts around and try them on, see if they could be as true or truer:

  • if I just felt there was nothing missing inside me, I’d get this: I can do this, I can wait, sit, breathe
  • what is here can work for me, I can notice what I’m drawn to: I can be kind to myself, see what draws my attention, feel my intuition
  • maybe there is solution for me….that’s so exciting: this could be just as true, or truer
  • I love love love this condition: odd, but what does this condition give me (depression, addiction, self-hatred)? Is there any advantage? Independence? Autonomy? Protection?
  • there must be something right with me: list them. For me, I love my mind, my perseverance, my capacity to love
  • I’ve tried everything, to no avail—congratulations

When I stop fighting this situation, this condition, then I can relax.

I don’t have to quick go eat, or quick get that done, or feel so resistant, or eradicate depression.

“In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped. Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.” ~ Tao Te Ching #48

With love, Grace

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Worrying About Wants, Cravings and Desires

When people have the experience of over-doing, over-indulging, going too far, having too much, stuffing in work, food, money, experiences, love, sex….

grabbing, craving, wanting, getting, gimme…..

….there is often a judgment that follows about this feeling of desire that it is to be avoided, crushed, and suppressed.

Pleasure? Bad. Desire? Worse. Obsessive craving? Horrid.

Based on past experience of how horrible it feels to have a hangover, or be stuffed with food, or neglect your kids because you’re working so hard….the mind thinks “this craving must be stopped, it’s dangerous”. 

I sure thought that.

So have many people I’ve worked with on their addictive experience, whatever it is. Not just food (my personal favorite) but all kinds of other cravings.

People have told me they wished they could have a lobotomy and cut out the part of their mind that WANTS.

I think the Puritans agreed. And Ascetics.

Anyone interested in controlling themselves and practicing abstaining from “that-seductive-thing”.

Well, that never worked well for me. Like not even for 5 minutes. And I felt really, really bad about it.

Recently, I was remembering a short period of time where I felt that obsessive form of energy about a man.

Instead of cringing the minute I remembered that crush-fear-danger-magnetic-disgust….

….I let the memory live in my mind.

Those memories that make you cringe? GREAT ones for The Work of course!!

Bring ’em on!

That attraction was dangerous.

Is it true?

Yes. He was nuts, he lied, he dropped off the face of the earth, he was depressed. I was SAD.

Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that the feeling of attraction was dangerous?

No!

Were my binge-eating, drinking, smoking, over-working, addictive drives ultimately dangerous?

No. I’m still here.

Things got broken apart. Ideas got torn up. Plans got blitzed.

And something new started in its place. Something much more peaceful and expansive.

Something was always there underneath all the destroying and creating going on up on the roller-coaster ride mental surface.

How do I react when I believe that all this wanting or craving is bad news?

I’m against all wanting, craving, desire. I think I need to be vigilant.

I start being against hunger, against the body having needs, against noticing what I find pleasing.

It all gets balled up in one big thought that I want to throw all craving in the garbage.

And if I have one second of craving, I call myself an idiot.

Ouch.

Who would you be without the thought that craving, desiring, wanting, or reaching is bad for me, dangerous, destructive, or wrong?

You mean….this craving could be safe? Neutral? Not something to be afraid of? Natural?

Not something I have to DO something about?

Yes.

Here’s the amazing thing that happens, and I began to notice this long ago around food and eating. If I paused and made no decision, didn’t hack the feeling to bits….

….relaxed, waited….sometimes only for one moment….the craving passed.

Like a wave.

“Each time we move to modify, alter, neutralize or try to get rid of the energies arising, we’re back in the cycle of addictive seeking. We’re looking for something else, something more. We’re trying to control our experience and the thoughts and feelings coming through. We’re overlooking the natural rest of presence.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Turning the thought around:

Being drawn over towards something out there (including a person) is safe, good.

I come back to me, here, now and feeling this thing I’m calling a craving, or an attraction.

Let it be.

Allowing any desires, wants, pleasures to arise and be present….I notice they NEVER stay in the same place.

They build, they shift, they change, they fall away. They are created and they are destroyed. 

“Thoughts are like the wind, or the leaves on the trees, or the raindrops falling. They’re not personal, they don’t belong to us, they just come and go.” ~ Byron Katie 

The relief of knowing that the actual feeling of craving is safe, and normal, can be very liberating.

Who are you without the thought that your attractions are dangerous?

With love,

Grace

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Addicted To Believing

One space left for Eating Peace starting tomorrow 9 am Pacific time. Hit reply if you want to join or have questions.

Yesterday, as I wrote more for the Eating Peace class curriculum (I’m trying not to go overboard) I remembered the concept that many teachers, including Byron Katie, mention about addiction and recovery.

It’s not the substance or the actual behavior that needs to change in order to feel peaceful.

Although….it WILL change and become more peaceful if you get to the bottom of it all.

But the core root of the “problem”, the actual addiction, the uncomfortable, distressing, out-of-control, compulsive experience that throws us off kilter, is our addiction to stressful thinking.

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process. And there’s no choice; you believe what you think, or you question it.” ~ Byron Katie 

Now, now.

Don’t start thinking that this means you have to question every single thought that ever entered your head that felt difficult or painful, or every thought that ever felt bad, or every imagined fear that could happen in the future.

I saw you going there! Come on back!

THAT is a thought in itself, that you can’t stop thinking (and you should) and you’ll constantly believe your thoughts, forever.

I’ll never stop thinking of uncomfortable or troubling possibilities in the future. I’ll never stop remembering sad or traumatic things that happened in the past. 

My mind is a maniac…I’ll never get away from…..THINKING!

HHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!! 

Is it true?

Well, have you ever noticed the gaps between thinking, or between difficult experiences? Have you ever noticed there’s slow times and fast times and times in-between?

Do you sometimes sleep? Can you look out the window for a sec? Do you take a deep breath?

Have you ever been thinking something, but not really BELIEVED it? Like some part of you really knows all is well, and you can relax?

Maybe it’s not absolutely true that you’ll never stop thinking fearfully, ruminating, repeating things, seeing the same things over and over in your mind.

It may be possible that you have stopped sometimes.

How do you react when you believe that you’ll NEVER stop thinking, you’ll always believe your thoughts?

Deep despair and discouragement. Longing. Not satisfied. Problem-solving.

Hunting down whatever can stop the thoughts, or appease them.

Sometimes, this means drinking, eating, smoking and doing whatever “works” for you to interrupt the pattern.

Seeking teachers, solutions, whatever you can find that help offer lighter thoughts, fun thoughts, loving thoughts.

And who would you be without the thought that you can’t stop thinking, and you can’t stop believing your thoughts?

Seriously. Who or what would you be?

Without the thought that you have to believe what you think?

Holy Moly!!

Can you imagine not believing everything you think?

So very, very exciting! Curious. Spacious. Free. Wild. Mysterious.

Just to enter the state of not automatically believing everything running through your brain is true. Not the images, the words, the pictures, the ideas, the visions of the future or past.

Not Knowing.

“You don’t have to destroy the character called ‘me’ to wake up from it. In fact, trying to destroy the character makes it very hard to wake up. Because what’s trying to destroy the character? The character. What’s judging the character? The character. So you leave the character alone. The character called you, just leave it alone.” ~ Adyashanti

Turn the thought around: I’ll always stop thinking of uncomfortable or troubling possibilities in the future. I’ll alwaysstop remembering sad or traumatic things that happened in the past. 

Oh. This is just as true. It’s truer.

I don’t have to believe what I think?

WOW.

Noticing this is enough.

And if those terrible, worrisome visions aren’t 100% true, if those bad feelings aren’t staying permanently…

…you may be able to wait, to rest, and see what happens.

Your craving may pass.

With love,

Grace

 

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Mind-Made Not Enougher Videos

Have you ever noticed how quickly your own self-evaluation can win the prize for Vicious Monster or Nit Picky Critic?

You may have met others with mean voices….but the ones you direct towards yourself?

Wow, they can be tough.

When I watched myself for the first time on video the other day (the one I sent you) I wasn’t really mean about it to myself….but I did have a few thoughts.

The difference is in believing them. Joining with them, being sure they are true.

I used to feel a sinking, absolutely horrendous sense of failure, doom or fear about appearing badly.

I thought that if other people saw me with disapproval or negativity, it was about the worst thing that could happen.

My thoughts on watching myself might be like the ones you have if you glance at yourself in the mirror, or see photos of yourself, or have someone give you feedback that isn’t exactly full of praise.

The ones I had the other day ran like this:

  • I am looking up constantly, it looks like I’m having a conversation…..with the ceiling
  • fix the lighting you dork! you are too dark!
  • I speak too slowly or incoherently, not articulate enough
  • I didn’t have a story to really show how powerful questioning pain can be

Not long ago I was working with a man who I’ve been privileged to facilitate for a long long time. In his life, especially with work and career, he repeatedly has believed “I’m not good enough”. 

It comes up so often for many people. And while this belief can be helpful and interesting to question, there is sometimes such a big agenda to Fix That Negative Thought About Me….

….that the real truth can’t really be revealed very easily.

Basically, I can find how my own list while watching myself could fit under the Heading: Not Good Enough.  

Byron Katie warns all the time against doing The Work on yourself.

Such a huge penchant for self-improvement, and it can be almost like an obsession (not that I would know about that)!

But let’s take a closer look and see what might be discovered here.

Is it even true that you aren’t good enough?

Good enough for what?

This is a really valuable question to ponder, and often over-looked or brushed right by.

If you stop and take a look at what you believe you aren’t good enough for….it may start breaking apart your bubble of suffering.

I’m not good enough to create immediate, mind-blowing transformation for people who watch this video.

OK, I can even turn it down a notch: I’m not good enough to make an impact, to make a difference, to effect change.

Now why on earth would I want to do that? What would that give me, if I knew I made a difference or supported change?

Fame? Fortune? Appreciation? Influence? Worthiness? And what would having any of these give me?

You can answer the question from that part of you that cares. Even if another part wants to pooh-pooh this investigation as unnecessary.

What would being truly good enough bring you, if you were?

Safety, Ease, Empowerment, Rest and Relaxation, Gratitude, Joy, Worth.

It’s like there’s a clear image of the Perfect Me, the one who is Good Enough.

My client who has seen this thought rise up over and over has a vision of earning lots of money, and that if he did, he would finally feel good enough.

No debt. Giving lots of gifts. Feeling free.

Others feel that if they had a good body, or ate well, they would be good enough.

Have you ever noticed that this imagined-one-that-is-enough is in the future, or hanging over your head in an imagined ghost ideal version?

“Many people live with a self that is very unpleasant, that creates a lot of problems, a lot of suffering, that continuously criticizes them, that continuously blames them, that tells them they’re not enough…..The mind-made image is connected to thought, to continuous thinking. It’s fueled by, perpetuated by, upheld by the continuous thought processes many of which are about “me”, and my “self.” And so through thought I have a relationship with a thought-made entity, which sometimes feels quite comfortable and sometimes feels not pleasant.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

So is it true that you are not good enough right now, in this present state (even with that blunder you made, or with being mediocre)?

Are you sure you are lacking safety, ease, joy, peace, empowerment, joy, worth, gratitude….or whatever you think you are missing?

No.

Who would you be without the belief that you aren’t good enough, even though you just put your foot in your mouth, even though you have debt and no job, even though you aren’t your ideal weight?

Without that thought?

Such peace and joy, to think of it not being necessary to do ANYTHING to be good enough.

“Awakening doesn’t mean that you awaken. It means that there is only awakening. There is no you who is awake, there is only awakeness. As long as you identify with a you who either is or is not awake, you are still dreaming.” ~ Adyashanti

Turning the thought around:

I am good enough.

Remember what you wanted to be good enough for? The reasons why you need to be good enough?

Are those qualities already present, here, now?

Peace, safety, joy, love, empowerment…

Maybe this “I” of which I speak is not really me. It’s just a story. A mirage. A moving picture. From the past, or the future. A tiny minutia of the Whole Story.

Kind of like a video.

With love, Grace

 

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Ending The Great Escape With Food

I’m adding final touches to the new Eating Peace 8 week teleclass starting this Wednesday Jan. 15th.

Only 2 spaces left.

If you didn’t get the updated eguide with six of the important factors I found most crucial to my own recovery, then click HERE to get it in your Inbox.

I would have loved a better map for my own recovery and peace when I was in great despair about simply eating.

Other people have spent years of their lives drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking, gambling, isolating, surfing the net, hunting down the next fun sexual encounter…..or……

….seeking for the answer to life.

Spiritual Seeking.

Where’s the enlightenment??!!! Is it here? Or over there?

Picture a crowd of raving fans running back and forth when someone shouts “The Beatles are about to come out of this door! No wait, it’s the other one!”

Sigh. Chuckle.

It’s my commitment to support others in finding their own freedom and peace, in the most direct route possible.

Maps are good.

They aren’t absolutely required, but oh so helpful. They save time, and energy. They can be shared, you can work with maps as a part of a team. Often, they are aesthetically beautiful.

Good ones include the essentials: side roads, scenic views, construction zones, speedways, oases, places to avoid.

Back when I was in agony about eating…when I didn’t know how to feel peaceful when it came to hunger, fullness, health, weight, exercise or eating…

….or my mind….

…I would have done anything to find that peace.

I spent thousands of dollars and a decade of life on therapy, in-patient treatment, diet books, nutritional programs, and classes. I spent thousands of hours in meetings, meditation, reading…..and circular thinking.

I dropped out of college, I cancelled career pursuits, I didn’t take the usual path (I couldn’t if I wanted to).

Fortunately, life revealed answers and my violence and fear around food began to dissolve, and neutrality, sparkling clarity and peace eventually shone through.

But if through my experience and teaching this awareness might happen sooner and more solidly for even one person, so you can give up the pain of fighting or despair around the natural process of eating…

…then oh JOY!

I’ve had the great privilege to be introduced to Scott Kiloby this past year, a man with an easy, loving and regular-guy way who has been studying his own, and others’ experiences of addiction, for years.

Here are his wise words from his new book Natural Rest for Addiction:  

“Seeking energy is any movement of energy that propels one toward the future in order to escape negative thoughts or feelings or a present sense of lack.”

The Work of Byron Katie and self-inquiry, including what Scott offers, bring the simple idea that awareness is all that’s needed to heal.

Instead of unconscious, compulsive, grabby thinking….you can stop, question, and as Scott says….REST.  

I can ask myself “what do I really think is missing, in this uncomfortable moment, when I feel like eating the entire cake, or graze-eat all night at my desk?” 

We’ll do this together of course, during Eating Peace. There are no rules and regulations about diets, quitting, starting, or demands about your behavior.

This work is about investigation.

And I love the image of “eating peace” from the title that was unintentional….

…of me eating peace, as food goes from plate or hand into mouth and down into stomach. The food is peace. Not war.

It’s my friend. It can be yours, too.

If you would answer a few short survey questions, anonymously, on eating and food, please click HERE. Your thoughts and ideas can really help remind me of what’s important to you.

No obligation to sign up for anything if you complete the survey, I won’t even know who you are.

Click HERE if you’d like to register for the class. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you have questions or need scholarship help.

With love and gratitude,

Grace

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Interview with Brooke Thomas on The Work and Physical Ailments

I had a most delightful time talking with Brooke Thomas, an inquirer who has a business called Fascia Freedom Fighters.
She interviewed me for her radio show “Interviews With Geniuses”.
(Geniuses? Are you thinking what I’m thinking? We’ll talk about that later—like tomorrow!)
I hope you enjoy the interview:
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Pain, Sickness and Death, mentioned in the interview, will be offered again in late spring.

 

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Hiya Hiya! Crack The Whip!

There are 13 books piled on my bed next to me, some open, some closed with bookmarks, the laptop with a document for notes and then a word document for final curriculum both open, plus another pdf I’ve been reading from a different author.

I’ve been working for 3 hours without really moving. I see emails come in a scan them if they’re quick, and reply.

My daughter comes into the house and calls “Hi mom!” and I exit the bedroom, needing a stretch break. She brings in the mail…more items to take care of.

I’m thinking….quick quick quick. I’ll get back there in a few minutes and get somewhere, continue.

Oh, and dishes. And laundry and more Holds to pick up from the library that I NEED (these things I happen to need help with right now due to crutches situation) and some necessary groceries.

The ticker tape spins. Just a little too fast now.

You know that To-Do Voice that sees what needs to get done and then realizes with fury that it can not be done, will not get done. I may have to drop what I’m working on and get to the other thing.

Quick, you only have 1 hour 45 minutes until the next class!!

Hiya! Hiya!!!! (That’s supposed to be the sound of a rider with a whip trying to get his horse to go As Fast As Possible.)

Stop.

Is it true that there is too much, and it will never get done, and that I neeeeeeeeeeed to get it done, and that there’s not enough time, and, and, and….?

No.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

The feeling inside is frantic buzzing across the chest and in the throat. Not breathing deeply. Mad. Ignoring other interests. Sort of irritable with the phone ringing.

Stop.

Who would I be without the thought that something needs to happen here that hasn’t happened yet? That something needs to get done?

Without any thought of this at all. Like I’m visiting from another planet….and my space ship leave in 1 hour 45 minutes. I’m here to look around.

Nothing to Get Done.

Nothing to complete, wrap up, finish, push, force.

I turn the thoughts around: I do NOT need to keep going, or get this done. I have unlimited time.  

Almost unbelievable. But this is playing in duality, leaning over into the opposite of the way my mind is running.

Yes. I can drop whatever task it is that I am attached to. I can move with the flow. Relax.

“There’s no merit gained through wasted effort, through excess struggle. There are no merit points for the people who drove themselves the craziest along the way to self-realization. For most people it’s so obscure that it seems very intuitive to grasp and to struggle instead of relaxing, not grasping, letting something come to you, letting the truth of your being reveal itself to you on its terms, in its way, letting it happen…..It will happen. It’s always happening. It’s always trying to show itself.” ~ Adyashanti

Relaxing, not grasping, letting it come to me?

Letting the day, the pace of all this, this person here now, noticing a clock, and time, and tasks….letting it all be the way it is. Nothing required.

Taking a very deep breath. Hearing my daughter pick up the ukelele and sing.

“There’s a perfect order running. I’m a lover of what is. Who would I be without my story? Without my story, in this very moment, is where God and I are one. There’s no separation, no decision or fear in it. It just knows. And that’s who we are without our plans.” ~ Byron Katie

Love,  Grace

 

 

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Progress Not Perfection

A little sweet slogan that comes to me from time to time, because of hearing it often for many years, is “progress, not perfection”.

You may have heard this at a 12 Step meeting….that’s where I first heard it about 25 years ago.

The other day I was making my way to the kitchen (hauling myself there with crutches). I paused, set my crutches against the counter in a corner so they wouldn’t slide and clatter to the ground. I leaned against the sink.

As I was drinking a glass of water, I stared out the window at the rain, heard the wind chimes clanging, gazed at dust on the half-opened wooden blinds.

Suddenly that saying was floating through my mind and I considered “progress” and then “not perfection”.

Progress? Does that mean I must always will myself to move forward, strive, build, gain, gather, improve?

I LOVE progress, want progress, crave progress.

As long as I’m using my will to get to perfection!

Now…..in that moment…..the awareness that will wasn’t necessary at all. I felt thirst. It (me) got up.

In that situation, staring out the window, drinking water, hearing the bells of wind blowing chimes….

…I could also see some part of me with the thought “About those crutches…..this is not enough, I want to walk with both legs” like it was perched there up on a ledge, available if I grabbed it.

These kinds of thoughts enter the mind off and on all day, that there might be something better, some progression….some improvement happening just around the corner. 

Great time for the work.

This situation is too slow, quiet, non-progressive….I am not making fast enough progress. 

Not only with walking, but with my business, my writing, my success, my adventures.

Is that true?

Well….YEAH.

Such a big world! So little time!

Are you absolutely sure? You’re not progressing? Like even with awareness, enlightenment, satori?

But! If I don’t “work” on myself I won’t…..make progress! Towards perfection!

How do you react when you believe the thought that you are on a journey, and this particular spot here, now, is not THERE there?

The way I react is I press on. Determination. Try everything. Flip over to the other side and give up. Flop back again.

I “work” on myself. I take work-shops. I seek.

And who would you be without the belief that you gotta get that “x” handled to make progress? Without the belief that you need improvement?

Weird.

Lighter though. Kind of like putting down a heavy rock.

“We don’t need the power to carry out God’s will. What we need is the humility to see that we already are God’s will, that we’re sitting right in the middle of that will, that what’s going on is that will, and that there is not, in fact, anything other than that will.” ~ Fred Davis in Beyond Recovery 

Oh! Wow!

I stand still, stare out the window, have the use of only one leg, and again….a flash….there is not a huge feeling of resistance.

There is not a terrible problem.

The turnaround is alive!

And I notice, there is always progress, even if I don’t know in my mind to what end, there is change, things get damaged, then repaired, then born, then die, then built, then fall down, then it’s very still, then it’s very busy, then….

I see that I don’t have to do anything (I actually can’t) about my injury, my healing.

I have the thought to go swimming and it delights me and my mother takes me to the pool.

Every day something tiny changes in my leg. I am not doing that.

Every day I move a little more, have less pain, or practice relaxing with what is here.

I am not in control. I am not running this reality.

“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action, by letting things take their course.” ~ Tao Te Ching #64

With much love,

Grace
P.S. Eating Peace starts next Wednesday 9-10:30 am. All are welcome who feel confused, upset, stressed, despairing about their relationship to food.

 

 

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Do You HAVE To Share?

Yesterday one of the YOI groups started our month on looking at moments of stress or trouble around…..sexuality.

The orientation around this topic, what is learned or what we’re allowed to talk about….has huge variations from culture to culture, family to family, religious traditions, social expectations.

As we began our call together, I did the slow and steady version of filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet as a guided meditation.

That JYN worksheet has six powerful questions on it. They are designed to cut to the chase about whatever really painful situation you’ve got going on.

Some people want to skip this writing part.

“I know what I’m thinking already!”

They see that they’ve got the concept, or the one-liner as many people call it, already clearly in mind.

The thing is, the JYN worksheet helps you get deeper with that troubling situation. Sometimes, the first ideas that come to mind when you don’t like a situation are obvious, clear, and a stream of cuss words.

“I hate this!” 

“That person should *&/%# STOP!” 

“He/she hurt me!”

But you may not really find what feels most painful about a situation until you sit and write about it, answering questions about it, wading through the swamp to review the surroundings.

This is not always easy when it comes to sexuality.

And if it’s not….then I love what one person in our group knew to do.

She wrote her JYN on this topic, on talking about this topic, examining this topic, investigating this topic.

Do we have to talk about this….out loud? Shouldn’t this be discussed in private?

I love noticing simple preferences, comfort, awareness and beliefs about this. In this era where some people think everyone SHOULD be examining thoughts openly about sexuality….

….finding a gentle, relaxed place about this topic and discussion is such a relief.

The Work can be worked completely on your own, or with others.

If a worksheet with all your thoughts on it feels embarrassing, condemning, shameful, frightening, or squeamish….you may be on to a really important lightbulb moment.

Allowing yourself to simply write what you need to write, and speak it out loud (even if to yourself) is all you need to start.

You don’t have to tell everyone. This is your internal work.

You don’t have to go up on stage and do The Work. You can say “pass” if you’re in an environment where it feels better to pass.

If it is super crazy stressful to share, talk, blab about something out loud, the solution is not necessarily blasting through your fears and talking anyway.

Simply notice. Relax.

“In almost every person, every religion, every group, every teaching and every teacher, there are ideas, beliefs, and assumptions that are overtly or covertly not open to question. Often these unquestioned beliefs hide superstitions which are protecting something which is untrue.” ~ Adyashanti

The only thing needed for doing The Work, on any topic, is a willingness to question what is stressful, to look at what I might be protecting and why.

“Don’t believe everything you think.” ~ Byron Katie

Sharing what you discover is not a requirement.

With much love,
Grace
P.S. If you’d like to join a group, to get that rockin’ awesome support team with you who may very well NOT react when you share your worst beliefs…then several 8 week teleclasses are starting soon, and a new YOI will begin in March (new time).

 

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Distorted Thinking Distorted Body

From the time I was 8 years old, I had the notion…and then the more strongly formed idea…and then the certainty that Being Fat was HORRIBLE.

People who were fat were criticized, berated and loathed by other members of society. Kids and adults.

Including my grandparents AND my mother and father.

Those powerful and important people in my life all said really negative, disparaging things about fat people….or about themselves and their own weight.  

You may have heard talk about greedy people, mean people who curse, alcoholic people, people who steal.

But for some reason, my mind locked in on how terrible it was to be fat.

At first it was not noticeable, I didn’t hear it because I had no reference for it. It was like a group of professors (my dad’s colleagues) in my parents’ living room talking about historical documents, student essays and various leaders in 17th century France.

I might have heard sounds coming from out of their mouths, and it was sort of fascinating, but not alarming.

I noticed OTHER things like the shape of one of the men’s glasses, the color of all their shirts, Mozart coming out of the huge black speakers, one of my sisters hands beckoning me outside.

But when it came to food, eating, bodies….at that young age of 8 I was alarmed. All the food in our house changed because my mom went to something called Weight Watchers.

Watching her weight.

You mean…this is an uncertain, dangerous sort of situation that one needs to guard against?

My influential and powerful mom needed to DO something about weight?

I realize…she thought of herself as weighing too much.

The dreaded fat person.

As I return to that image, that memory of that time….thinking about the horrors of being fat and taking that so seriously…

…my mind enters The Work now, as if my 8 year old self can inquire and see what’s really true.

Being fat is horrible.

Is that true?

My mother’s weight matters, she is unhappy, she is suffering, there’s a major problem here….People can be too fat. 

…is that really true?

How do I react when I believe that thought?

Scared. Anxious. Terrified of fat, fattening, fatter, fatness. Hyper critical of fat, fat people, fat conditions, the appearance of fat.

I make effort, I focus on, I strive to prevent fat from happening!

I react towards food like it’s frightening. It causes fatness. It can trick you. It can make you wrong.

But, who would I be without the thought that being fat was horrible?

It’s one of those vivid, mind-boggling moments…hard at first to imagine. Like the mind is shorting-out. Hear the electric tweaks and jerks like a bug is hitting an electric fence?

Zap Zap.

Even for people who have never, ever been worried about gaining weight, personally being fat, or spent much time judging fatness….

….who would any of us be without the belief that the appearance of the body is horrible, and it MATTERS what you look like?

Dang. That’s so spacious. And strange.

And marvelous.

Suddenly, without the thought, there is no concern for fat, thin, age, youth, categorizing, assessing, or putting meaning on anything “seen” in the body….

….there is awareness of so much more that is present, so much more than this body or that body, what is going in or out of the mouth and the stomach.

Without the thought that appearance matters, I clap my hands with joy.

Freedom! So much more here! All temporary and pulsing with life and movement!

“There are two ways to weigh what you do. One is happy and healthy, the other is miserable and depressed…..The cause of suffering is not the body, it is your thinking.” ~ Byron Katie

Look at this body you apparently inhabit in the mirror and see who you’d be without the thought that it should be different.

You may not have to DO anything. That includes reaming yourself for being too “x” (fat, lazy, thin, tired, etc).

How exciting….how restful….what a relief.

“Reality is life without your distorting stories, ideas, and beliefs. It is perfect unity free of all reference points, with nowhere to stand and nothing to grab hold of. It has never been spoken, never been written, never been imagined. It is not hidden, but in plain view. Cease to cherish opinions and it stands before your very eyes.” ~ Adyashanti 

With much love, Grace

P.S. Eating Peace begins January 15th! We’re going to take a dive into Feelings, Beliefs, Situations where Cravings begin. We’re going to examine despair. We’re going to question the pain!
If you have already taken Horrible Food Wonderful Food this class will be different, but you may take this class at the repeater rate of $195.