Have you ever noticed your thinking going into the thought “what if I never _____?”
That state that feels like I am on a merry-go-round of doubt about not being successful, happy, accomplished, secure, satisfied.
What if I never write a book? What if I never make “x” amount of money? What if I never see Tahiti? What if I never heal this relationship with food? What if I never get married again? What if I can’t forgive someone?
The other day in my teleclass Our Wonderful Sexuality the thought we worked together was “I want them to think I’m special”.
Katie has a little story in Loving What Is, her first book, about how a child is playing on the playground doing somersaults and enjoying themselves, and then someone sees the child and claps, and people shout “wow, fantastic!”
The child then becomes more interested in doing the somersaults so that they can then attract a clapping audience. The clapping becomes more important than the original simple, blissful activity. That felt good to get attention! I want it again! I want MORE! When they think I’m special it is FABULOUS!!!!!
Of course this is not an all-or-nothing situation. Sometimes the strategy of the mind is to decide “I am NEVER going to want anyone to think I’m special. I am above and beyond all that”. In which case, when I’ve been in that mode, I’m low key, stay in the back row, and wind up not being genuinely myself either.
Have you ever heard of the game ping-pong? How about schizophrenia!?
All those things I’m worried about not happening (what if I never____?) are usually things I think that if I did them or had them, I would be happier, more peaceful, more loved, secure….I would be BETTER off than I am now.
So what’s wrong with NOW? I write it down and inquire. No book, no big bank account, never seen Tahiti, not a raw vegan (I do like burgers and french fries), divorced, mad at that person still whenever I think about them…
What is fabulous about not having any of these things? Why is this a good thing? What are the advantages?
Wow, what if none of those things really matter. This is not the “giving up” kind of not mattering where I decide I don’t care defiantly…this is really knowing it actually doesn’t matter! WOOHOO!
I notice I love to write every day, I see I have no debt and my bank account goes up and down like the tide but I’m never hungry, I start researching Tahiti on the internet, I find out I love eating seaweed, I get engaged to be married for a second time, and I remember that the person who I think I’m mad at…they are not here right now, and they are defnitely one of my biggest teachers.
Then I can just be happy, and I notice I do somersaults.
Much love, Grace