I love “control freaks.”
Some of my best friends are control freaks!
(Like the one I see in the mirror every morning).
Actually, the one in the mirror turned over a new leaf. Things didn’t work
very well the way I was living before…..or I should say, the way I was
“thinking” before.
I used to do the “extreme control–extreme outta control” dance.
On the control freak side, I would believe “I AM INDEPENDENT!”
I used to think no one can make me do anything I don’t want to do. I used to think life is tough, you have to work really hard, you have to scan the environment for dangerous people and situations, you have to be a TERMINATOR.
On the outta control side (which would ALWAYS come along as a matter of balance
or something) I would believe “I GIVE UP!” I would think, I have to please other
people, I need to be normal and nice, I need help from other people, and I don’t
care what happens to me. I would be a puddle of jello.
Sometimes I just laugh when I feel myself starting to
try to “control a situation” with my body tension…my fists get tight, I
clench my jaw, I lean forward…
…as if that does anything but HURT!
In my teleclasses, I usually start with a “Katie Quote.”
The other day, in our “Horrible Food-Wonderful Food” class,
I read a quote from Question Your Thinking, Change the World by
Byron Katie. It went like this:
“For people who are tired of the pain, nothing could be worse than trying
to control what can’t be controlled. If you want real control, drop the
illusion of control; let life have you. It does anyway. You’re just telling a
story about how it doesn’t. That story can never be real.”
One thing I used to notice about that extreme attempt to control
my world, myself, my actions, and avoid difficult situations is that
DESPITE my attempts to control things in a very intense way….
THEY COULD NOT BE CONTROLLED.
I would wind up flipping to a sort-of opposite extreme of surrender.
I would be spent, wiped-out, crushed, smacked down, over-whelmed,
reclusive, king of licking my wounds….you can hear the violence in
this kind of experience.
Trying to control life, to control anything, I always wound up
being “forced” to stop trying to run into the wall head first.
I would have to lie down and rest eventually….
It’s a relief to realize we’re being breathed and our hearts are beating
without us actually doing ANYTHING. The chair is supporting me.
The floor is underneath the chair. I didn’t build this house, or the chair.
I just wound up sitting here today, typing.
I don’t have to hunt down air, it seems to be all around me, and I’m
totally and completely DEPENDENT on it. Eeeewwww! Dependent used
to be a “bad” word for the terminator.
Now it’s a relief. No effort. Just doing what I do right here, now. No need
to add anything more to my to-do list.
And guess what? The more I relax, the more I let go of trying to run things,
the easier life has become. There are kind people absolutely everywhere,
wanting to connect and help. There are fun ideas popping in constantly,
there is creativity and curiosity.
There is “success”, no more debt, always enough air, food, warmth, love,
happiness, laughter.
I love how Katie says “have you ever REALLY needed more money than
you had?!!” Wow. No I haven’t. I’m alive and well, it seems.
Come look at those terminator thoughts, the ones that aren’t so relaxing
and fun, and find out what a blast it is to be “dependent”. (Did you just
squirm?)
To your knowing that there is enough, and you don’t have to try to control
anything….
Love,
Grace