Yesterday I received a call from the company who rented a lodge to me last weekend asking if I had seen a couple of items that belonged in the kitchen.
I recognized them immediately. They were in my home, instead of where they should be back in the kitchen lodge. I thought they were left at the lodge by friends and family.
An innocent mistake, and easy to return the items….
And yet, here came that little idea in the mind “she thought I was stealing, I should have been more careful, now we have to drive 2 hours to return them, we’ve left a bad impression…”
The urge to impress others enters our consciousness in such subtle little moments. There is a fear that those people out there won’t approve of us, don’t like us, aren’t agreeing with us. We become afraid that we’ll be rejected, even by a look, a comment, a thought.
In her book I Need Your Love, Is It True? Byron Katie talks about the quick automatic response that many of us have to say “Excuse Me!” or “Sorry!” to strangers, to apologize, to make sure they are thinking well of us.
What would be the worst that could happen if we didn’t have good manners? If we didn’t explain ourselves? If we didn’t defend ourselves or try to make a good impression?
What if you weren’t concerned with what others think and you simply responded to a situation truthfully and authentically?
In my imagination I have believed that if someone thought I was rude, immature, immoral, mean, selfish or that I don’t care about them…then they might hurt me.
They would leave me or attack me. They would punish me. They would tell other people how awful I am and those people would also separate from me. They would never rent the lodge to me again!!
If someone thought I behaved terribly, then I should feel guilt, shame, embarrassment and sadness. If someone didn’t like me or thought I did something wrong (like steal a bowl from the kitchen) then I deserved their suspicion or wrath. My fault.
Ultimately, I would be alone burning in a fiery pit. Hell. If they thought I was a bad person, then I was.
I remember when my former husband told me he was moving out. I was overwhelmed with the thought that I was worthy of being left. I was terrified, then furious, but crushed because I instantly believed it must be true.
Who was the one who believed that thought that I was unworthy? Me.
A simple question is asked. Someone says “Did you take my thing?” and FEAR is the response. Someone says “When were you going to clean up this mess?” or “I thought you were spending the evening with me” or “We need to talk” and we’re on alert.
The solution? Sit down and question the belief “I want them to like me, I want them to approve of me”….”I did something wrong”.
When you turn these concepts around, you do not have to fear that you will be a cold, disinterested, rude or uncaring person. You will find that what is true is that you want to approve of THEM and to like THEM, even when they are apparently confronting you or expressing criticism.
I want to accept every word, situation, action as reality and bring love to it. I want to love, not hate.
Most of all, I want to approve of myself and like myself. I am my most important relationship, after all.
Here’s the wonderful thing: your most deeply truthful and automatic response to others asking you questions, or communicating with you about something worrisome, or confronting you when they are upset…is love.
“Who would you be without the thought that you need to seek approval? You might be someone who just lives your life and lets people form whatever impressions they want to form—of you and of everyone else. That’s what they’re all doing anyway.”~ Byron Katie
The only thing that is stressful in any situation with another person is my thinking. Without believing the thoughts that I need them to have a good impression of me, I am free.
I find advantages in how other people are. I love them being who they are, I love myself. I am ready for the next step, it’s a big adventure.
Here I am, not believing my stressful thoughts. Happy. Planning a fun drive back to the lodge to return the missing stuff.
Love, Grace
P.S. These kinds of exchanges are CORE to our beliefs about communicating in relationships. All the teleclasses dive into these kinds of moments with others, with food, with money. To spend some time with this in inquiry, join one of the classes starting next week.
To join fellow travelers on this fascinating journey of inquiry in any of the four teleclass groups: Click Here
Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Fridays July 20 – Sept 7, Noon – 1:30 Pacific
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Thursdays July 26 – Sept 13, 10 – 11:30 am PT
Our Wonderful Sexuality – Tuesdays July 17 – Sept 4, 8:00-9:30 am PT
Money, Work and Business – Weds July 18 – Sept 5, 5:00 – 6:30 pm PT