Very recently I knew I needed to tell someone “no” and although I have done a lot of work on this, some anxiety followed. I even woke up in the morning thinking about how I had said No (I had written a letter) and imagining the response.
That person will be sooooo sad. They will be shocked. They will be surprised to learn that this is my answer. They will wonder why I didn’t say “no” before now. They will be embarrassed. They will discover how I withheld my feelings of “no” before I said it really straight up. They will judge me as unkind.
Oh the list goes on! All these terrible things that can happen for saying “no”!
Before I had this inquiry work, I avoided any situation where I would have to say No to someone. People who said “no” were bossy, mean, selfish, closed-minded, unwilling.
People who said “no” were harsh, powerful, thoughtless, and weren’t thinking of other peoples’ feelings enough. They were like Hitler! Big bossy, destructive and selfish!
Then there are the people who receive the “no”…. they also have a list of judgments!
People who receive a “no” are deflated, disappointed, sad, suicidal, confused, unhappy, angry, depressed, enraged, violent, hurt, hopeless…..or in worst case scenario, they are DEAD!
No wonder saying “no” was so terrible and difficult. I wanted to be a nice, kind, open-minded, thoughtful person. And I didn’t want to “make” someone else unhappy.
What an amazing thing to question that if I say no I’m only thinking of myself, and that this thinking of myself is a BAD THING.
Is it true that if I say “no” to someone and people get hurt, that this makes me BAD?
I find that the “no” comes welling up from inside of me. I have the feeling that it’s not right for me, what the person has requested. I can tell my answer is genuine and honest.
It doesn’t mean that tomorrow, I may have a different answer, but right now, I can tell the answer is “no”. I could have a “maybe” or a “yes” for other requests in my life.
Katie writes in A Thousand Names For Joy “I love the sweet movement and flavor of mind changing. I move as it moves, without an atom of resistance. It shifts like the wind. I say yes, because there is no reason to say no, and I say no very easily, too. No is as effortless as yes. I say whatever I know is true for me. It sometimes confuses people; they misunderstand, and they do what they need to do with it. And I am very clear that a no is as loving as a yes, because I am always saying yes to my integrity.”
Without thinking that someone might have stressful response to my “no” and this would be a bad thing (or mean that I am bad), then I am sooooo free to express what is a true answer for me to any request.
I am so different now as a parent, a partner, a friend than I once was. I used to even think that people shouldn’t even ask me for things if the answer is “no” for me. They shouldn’t even ask, because “they” were “making” me say No! Which was BAD.
Good people say Yes all the time. They are open, willing, smiling, nice, and people like them. Ha! Wow! What a fantastic thing to question.
After inquiry today, I feel so much peace. Saying No is beautiful. I have no idea what the next moment will bring. I just feel peace in the present. All is well.