Tag: zen

Yesterday I received a call from the company who rented a lodge to me last weekend asking if I had seen a couple of items that belonged in the kitchen.

I recognized them immediately. They were in my home, instead of where they should be back in the kitchen lodge. I thought they were left at the lodge by friends and family.

An innocent mistake, and easy to return the items….

And yet, here came that little idea in the mind “she thought I was stealing, I should have been more careful, now we have to drive 2 hours to return them, we’ve left a bad impression…”

The urge to impress others enters our consciousness in such subtle little moments. There is a fear that those people out there won’t approve of us, don’t like us, aren’t agreeing with us. We become afraid that we’ll be rejected, even by a look, a comment, a thought.

In her book I Need Your Love, Is It True? Byron Katie talks about the quick automatic response that many of us have to say “Excuse Me!” or “Sorry!” to strangers, to apologize, to make sure they are thinking well of us.

What would be the worst that could happen if we didn’t have good manners? If we didn’t explain ourselves? If we didn’t defend ourselves or try to make a good impression?

What if you weren’t concerned with what others think and you simply responded to a situation truthfully and authentically?

In my imagination I have believed that if someone thought I was rude, immature, immoral, mean, selfish or that I don’t care about them…then they might hurt me.

They would leave me or attack me. They would punish me. They would tell other people how awful I am and those people would also separate from me. They would never rent the lodge to me again!!

If someone thought I behaved terribly, then I should feel guilt, shame, embarrassment and sadness. If someone didn’t like me or thought I did something wrong (like steal a bowl from the kitchen) then I deserved their suspicion or wrath. My fault.

Ultimately, I would be alone burning in a fiery pit. Hell. If they thought I was a bad person, then I was.

I remember when my former husband told me he was moving out. I was overwhelmed with the thought that I was worthy of being left. I was terrified, then furious, but crushed because I instantly believed it must be true.

Who was the one who believed that thought that I was unworthy? Me.

A simple question is asked. Someone says “Did you take my thing?” and FEAR is the response. Someone says “When were you going to clean up this mess?” or “I thought you were spending the evening with me” or “We need to talk” and we’re on alert.

The solution? Sit down and question the belief “I want them to like me, I want them to approve of me”….”I did something wrong”.

When you turn these concepts around, you do not have to fear that you will be a cold, disinterested, rude or uncaring person. You will find that what is true is that you want to approve of THEM and to like THEM, even when they are apparently confronting you or expressing criticism.

I want to accept every word, situation, action as reality and bring love to it. I want to love, not hate.

Most of all, I want to approve of myself and like myself. I am my most important relationship, after all.

Here’s the wonderful thing: your most deeply truthful and automatic response to others asking you questions, or communicating with you about something worrisome, or confronting you when they are upset…is love.

“Who would you be without the thought that you need to seek approval? You might be someone who just lives your life and lets people form whatever impressions they want to form—of you and of everyone else. That’s what they’re all doing anyway.”~ Byron Katie

The only thing that is stressful in any situation with another person is my thinking. Without believing the thoughts that I need them to have a good impression of me, I am free.

I find advantages in how other people are. I love them being who they are, I love myself. I am ready for the next step, it’s a big adventure.

Here I am, not believing my stressful thoughts. Happy. Planning a fun drive back to the lodge to return the missing stuff.

Love,  Grace

P.S. These kinds of exchanges are CORE to our beliefs about communicating in relationships. All the teleclasses dive into these kinds of moments with others, with food, with money. To spend some time with this in inquiry, join one of the classes starting next week.

To join fellow travelers on this fascinating journey of inquiry in any of the four teleclass groups:  Click Here

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Fridays July 20 – Sept 7, Noon – 1:30 Pacific 

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Thursdays July 26 – Sept 13, 10 – 11:30 am PT 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Tuesdays July 17 – Sept 4, 8:00-9:30 am PT

Money, Work and Business – Weds July 18 – Sept 5, 5:00 – 6:30 pm PT

Many of us have spent our lives studying other humans. Why did that person do that? What did she mean when she said that? What is happening when one person hates, or loves, another person? How did that war get started? What made that person do that wonderful, amazing thing?

We also study ourselves…we find ourselves quite fascinating! What do I want? How do I know I want it? What do I want to express? How do I want to interact with that person, or this person?

Many great writers and teachers talk about a little me, an egoic me, a self-centered me that has a limited point of view.

It’s like the word “ego” is icky. If my ego is in full force then it means that I am not spiritual. It means things are going WRONG.

If I am operating from an egotistical point of view, I am selfish, fearful, angry, disappointed, interested in power, attached and trying to figure out who is to blame, whether it’s me or someone else. But it is definitely someone’s FAULT. I have an enemy.

One of the most amazing things to discover, by questioning and examining painful thinking, is that there is no one to blame. By looking very carefully at my mind and my thinking process, I find there is no enemy.

This includes ME.

Some clients I work with are really hooked up to see themselves as the one to attack, the enemy, the one who needs correction or adjustment. Something happens, a tough situation occurs, and the mind goes straight to “it’s my fault”.

FIGHT IT! FIX IT! YOU DID IT WRONG!

I remember having these kinds of thoughts all the time about food and eating starting when I was a teenager. I was so sure something must be wrong with me!

I find over and over again that this little harsh place that ruminates and considers and analyzes and can’t stop thinking in a nervous or angry way about something uncomfortable….the thing we’re probably referring to as the “ego”…. is more a verb than a noun.

It just means I’m scared. I’m forgetting that I am a mysterious spirit and I have no real idea of the outcome of anything, or the deep meaning of what has occurred. I’m forgetting that all is well.

It just means I am trying to find happiness, peace, fulfillment or security and because of that troubling situation, I’m really worried and believing that there isn’t happiness, peace, fulfillment or security in this situation.

I have found that the more narrow the view we have of ourselves, thinking of ourselves as full of fault, or powerless, or hurt, the more we will experience other people or the world in a narrow way too, where we have to be very careful or really to defend ourselves.

The more we react to someone else’s “ego-centered” behavior or actions, the better the clue that we’re thinking of ourselves as victims, that it’s possible to be hurt or threatened.

I love simply questioning these thoughts, and you can do it today as well: I need to fix it, I need to change, this is bad, I lack something.

What if it isn’t true?

Because let’s face it, you know it isn’t true already. There is a viewpoint inside of you that knows all is well, all is mysterious, you already have what you need inside, you don’t have to go find it, you don’t have to fix anything really, it will work itself out, Good is still present even when things appear Bad….you are capable of such beauty and love it is beyond words.

“The fullness of life is there at every step” ~Eckhart Tolle

One very interesting moment in life are the days after a huge celebration (like a wedding!) or big event that marks some occasion in a human life. Graduations, birthday parties, funerals, retirement celebrations, house warmings, promotions, births….

Human beings love to connect, gather and create time together to announce or claim a change, to see each other in-person, to express appreciation. We have done this for thousands of years in thousands of traditions.

So what’s the big deal? What is so important about agreeing to get together at the same time and do this thing called celebrate?

It seems we love to express ourselves and be witnessed. There is something beautiful about gathering. It is FUN.

All that really happens is words, music, sound, body language, colors, movement, communication. The sound goes out into the air, and disappears.

People show up and address the entire group, or only to their neighbor, or they are silent but physically present. People gather at the appointed hour. Then they disappear, too.

This moment is full of people and sound and laughter, or crying, and talking….this other moment is full of only a quiet living room with sun breaking through a window and furniture all about, and a computer screen.

Everything that happens changes and shifts into Something Else.

There are plans, and dates, and ideas creating visions, and then the date comes and the vision is realized in form, and then there is more.

Yesterday I walked from room to room in a big empty lodge that used to be full of people, with a huge black plastic garbage bag over my shoulder, and collected things that apparently belonged in the bag, according to me.

Taking out the garbage, I thought, this is also celebration. I fill the bag, I walk to the dumpster, I see trees and gravel. I see a little frog hopping, then pausing. I watch the frog for awhile, and my daughter comes and then gets her camera to take a picture. Just like pictures taken at an event.

Everything fills then empties, like the tides. Sometimes very full, sometimes very empty.

There I was in a celebration that for decades has been called a wedding and it was very “full” if seeing it from the perspective of people, food, colors, art, love, hugs, kisses, smiles, voices, music.

In the show called “wedding” two people are present, and although there isn’t always a bride, in this one there was, and I apparently played that role.

We LOVE theater! Stories! Feeling! Seeing! Thinking! Talking! Singing! Watching!

How fun! The gathering of all the movement and people and all that was present, including sun, eagles, breeze, sky….all of this was a dance! No purpose but to express!

How incredible that ultimately there is no purpose for a gathering of people together to mark an occasion except to express it.

We all witness together, whether in any gathering there is one person or two or a handful or a crowd, and yet everyone sees something a little different, everyone takes something unique, everyone offers something just by being themselves.

Nothing more.

And now, alone with the bag of garbage, this is also part of the dance…how could it not be? The dance continues.

Taking out the garbage is just as fascinating in so many ways as the actual wedding. Very different, but fascinating all the same.

“…there is only one rule on the Wild Playground….’have fun, my dear; my dear have fun, in the beloved’s divine game, O in the Beloved’s Wonderful Game.”~ Hafiz

I have watch and notice, taking out the garbage, what do I think is not fun about that…when I think it’s not fun? That is the place for inquiry, for looking at what I’m believing that isn’t true.

Today, taking out the garbage is quieter somehow…but yes, actually fun.

Love, Grace

A very interesting pattern and experience of being human is constantly imagining a “better” place or situation in the future. Bigger living quarters, more possessions for the family, a new car, more livestock, more money, bigger business deals, more friends, a life partner, more vacations, more time, better relationships, more happiness, more peace, more power.

Growth! Success! Expansion!!

The tricky thing about visioning the future the way we all do is when it makes us compare that vision to our present situation.

Even ever so subtly, in a tiny whisper, there is the voice that says things like this:

• getting there could take awhile….I sure wish I could get there faster
• if I don’t succeed and grow, life could be boring…or I might be a FAILURE
• if things stay the same in my life, then why even live? what’s the point?
• I could never, ever be like that person over THERE (who is rich, successful, enlightened, peaceful….whatever your particular desire)
• I need more time
• I need to be exceptional, not mediocre (this can start it’s own thread of how to get more training, education, coaching or counseling)

And then, to make matters a little more complicated, we also have a little comparison slide show going of how much work it could be to achieve that vision.

We’ll have to change our schedules, stop buying things, save money, wake up earlier, talk with more people, go on dates, fill our calendars with appointments, work more hours, work at jobs we don’t like, make deals with unpredictable people, meditate or discipline ourselves in spiritual practice more, get another degree, take tests, change jobs, move to a different home.

SUCH A HASSLE! I WANT IT TO BE EASY!

I’ll never forget when I was incredibly drawn, almost panicked, about investigating my thoughts on Success. I was terrified of not having enough money, and afraid of not being “successful” or having fun in my life, or reaching enlightenment (which according to me was obviously later, not now).

I identified the belief “I HAVE TO push to be successful”. As in, I have to have energy, keep myself moving, going, thinking, acting, practicing. I have to strive, drive, buckle down, stick to the plan, NO PAIN NO GAIN!!

My belief was that if I didn’t “try” or “push” then NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN. And that would be terrible, because my current situation was just not good enough.

What an incredible thing to question….and to find out that it is NOT TRUE that I have to push, plan, set goals, drive myself, or achieve. I mean, really?

I discovered that if I relaxed, stopped, breathed, thought about what would be fun, pleasant, interesting, felt what I was drawn toward….then that was the path of least resistance.

This does not mean that I never set my alarm, write in all my appointments in my calendar, imagine new and wonderful ideas, call someone, or pack my suitcase if I’m going away. It’s just that it doesn’t HAVE to happen. Ever.

Many of us have never ever tried to stop (without depression, defeat, or despair) and feel satisfied right now, feel joy or peace here, do nothing yet and see what it’s like. I was terrified that I would have no purpose and no point, and be non-achieving lump of uselessness and lie down on the floor.

“If a country is governed wisely, its inhabitants will be content. They enjoy the labor of their hands and don’t waste time inventing labor-saving machines. Since they dearly love their homes, they aren’t interested in travel. There may be a few wagon and boats, but these don’t go anywhere. There may be an arsenal of weapons, but nobody ever uses them. People enjoy their food, take pleasure in being with their families, spend weekends working in their gardens, delight in the doings of the neighborhood. And even though the next coutnry is so close that people can hear its roosters crowing and its dogs barking, they are content to die of old age without ever having gone to see it.” ~Tao Te Ching #80

Today I might have little thoughts floating around that shout MOVE IT. Mostly…I just can’t seem to believe them anymore. I am finding, strangely, that the less I do, the more I slow down and inquiry, the more I “succeed”.

In the next two weeks we’ll be starting teleclasses on Money, Food, Relationships and Sexuality. What great topics for slowing down, examining, looking….not building an arsenal of plans for success. How exciting to do less of being The Dictator on these topics…and understand more. Join us!

Byron Katie says, if you’re in a hurry, do The Work. I agree.

Making a mistake, say several spiritual teachers including Byron Katie, is not possible.

What a foreign concept to so many of us. Not possible to make a mistake? How could that be?! I myself have made mistakes over and over again! Other people have made mistakes throughout history! We’re one big pool of mistakes, falling short of perfection, peace, or love!

No Mistake is deeply meaningful to me as an idea when it allows us to look at what has happened without deep guilt, regret, anguish, shame or embarrassment.

What has been done is over now. There is no going back to “un-do” actions, words, behavior, events, choices.

Something happened….there is the “scene” like in a movie, and people behaved as they did, including us. We experience stress, fear, or grief as a response IF we are believing that bad things can happen and people can get hurt.

It feels so foreign to contemplate the idea that no one can truly get hurt at the core level.

What about war, Hitler, Nagasaki and Hiroshima, divorce, people hitting each other, car accidents, tripping, failing a test, forgetting ones lines on stage, telling a lie or a secret, getting angry or terrified, not understanding the homework?

We want things to turn out nicely. We really want peace, kindness, love, detachment, freedom. Lots of things in the world don’t look to us like these, they look instead like war, meanness, hate, attachment and imprisonment.

Recently it turns out that something I said made someone very upset.

The way I automatically tend to think about this kind of incident and exchange is with acute sadness, wishing I hadn’t said it, calling myself thoughtless, scared that it was my fault.

This thinking is so full of blame and attack that it brings this dark cloud into the body and mind… guilt, shame, nausea, fear, sleeplessness.

The idea of No Mistake is not to relinquish responsibility. It is to stop the repetitive drum of thinking we were Wrong, they were Wrong, it was Wrong, or that we wish we could rewind history and do it Right.

That desire to change the past is hopeless. It is full of despair.

The only thing that really works is looking at what beliefs were present in that moment where a mistake was apparently made.

So for me, some of what was happening when I said something that turned out to be upsetting was “they don’t care about me, they are ignoring me, I need communication, I want to be funny, they are dismissing or disregarding me, it doesn’t matter what I say…”

Without turning the attack on to the self, I can sit with the scene I see in my mind and replay it with an intent to bring peace to it, and not get stuck in the groove of That Was A Mistake.

The paradox of it all is that when I sit with the situation in my mind that caused pain, I discover complete and full responsibility in a way that has nothing to do with shame or self-criticism.

I discover I am 100% responsible. There is no one else here, just me and my thinking. I was believing a big story.

I discover that I was believing a thousand assumptions that were all stressful, including that it was possible that I could be ignored or mistreated.

I was being a regular human being with a little mind that is worried, protective, and punchy, and thinks it knows the truth.

Suzuki Roshi once said the life of a Zen master is one continuous mistake.

As it turns out, I am the one who has ignored others and myself, mistreated myself. I am the one who has hurt myself by thinking I needed something from someone. I am the one being limited, thinking things can go wrong.

One continuous mistake, one continuous perfect series of events, for awareness and expansion. One long life of seeing only part of the whole, since that’s all I can see in that moment.

“Everything happens FOR me, not TO me.” ~ Byron Katie

Be gentle with yourself. Allow this exploration to be pleasurable, not grueling. Not that life will always be pleasurable. It won’t. Unpleasant things will arise, and when they do, it’s an especially rich opportunity for stillness and attention….Sometimes we think that spirituality is about being calm and blissful, and losing our temper is something else. But actually, life gets MOST interesting and MOST juicy at precisely those moments when things seem to be getting the most difficult….they are doorways to truth. They are sacred moments.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Love, Grace

Dear Inquirers,

The word “independence” by definition in the dictionary says it means: not controlled or influenced by others, not subject to another’s authority, not influenced by the thoughts of others, not influenced by the action of others, not dependent upon something else for existence or operation, not relying on others for aid or support.  

IMPOSSIBLE!

How could I possibly be not influenced by other people, or by actions or ideas I’ve heard. How could I possibly not rely on anything for support or aid?

I mean, really. There is not one thing that I do, think, or have that was built without influence from others.

My perception of the world is influenced deeply by all those people around me who are existing, doing their thing, talking, behaving, breathing, living.

My very existence in this body is dependent on some force of life running itself that I have no idea how it works, or why, or what really keeps it going. The heart beats, the brain thinks, the breath goes in and out.

We get so interested in independence….and it doesn’t really exist!

Something sounds really wonderful about it, though. If I were entirely independent, beyond all influence and control, what would I have?

The imagined state of total independence and why it sounds GOOD:

• I do whatever I want
• I don’t need anyone or anything
• I don’t have to work
• I’m thriving, I have everything I want
• I can say or think whatever occurs to me
• I feel free
• I come, I go as I wish
• I’m OK with everything, I don’t mind what happens

The interesting thing is, with doing The Work and questioning only what is being thought….this state of “independence” becomes more and more true.

And what’s funny is, with this so-called independence, there is more and more surrender to the condition of absolutely dependence on Reality, God, Source, What Is.

More and more dependence on going with the flow, not fighting against anything, giving up having it MY way. More and more being able to ask in any moment “Am I sure it needs to go the way I think it should go? Or can I be fine with how it is, can I find the humor?”

Less and less holding anyone or anything else responsible for influencing me, controlling me, causing me pain.

The whole thing is a big paradox; independent sounds good, dependent sounds bad….but really it’s all about what we’re independent from or dependent on.

Life shows us what we’re still trying to get independent from. Something happens, someone bugs us, and POW, we get all mad or scared.

The fabulous news is that we get to choose. It doesn’t seem like it sometimes, it seems like we’re just riding the PAIN TRAIN of reacting against or for something.

But we do get to choose peace….we have this much independence (and maybe that’s the only independence).

If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace. If peace mattered to you more than anything else and if you truly knew yourself to be spirit rather than a little me, you would remain nonreactive and absolutely alert when confronted with challenging people or situations. You would immediately accept the situation and thus become one with it rather than separate yourself from it. ~Eckhart Tolle

The incredible thing is, when you become “one” with the situation or the person you are resisting, when you see the beauty in them, or you stop fighting the situation (like cancer, no money, someone dying) then oddly enough, there is Independence.

And there is nothing you can do about it.

Hello Dear Inquirers,

When I first found The Work of Byron Katie one thought I had was…how could this be so simple and actually “work”?

What I meant by wanting it to WORK was I wanted to feel happy, resolved, peaceful. I wanted to stop thinking the same thing over and over and over again about a person who bugged me or a really difficult experience. I wanted to stop hating myself for making mistakes.

One concept that came up when I wrote down all my painful beliefs about someone was “he abandoned me”.

Yesterday I sat with a wonderful client who felt discouraged about primary relationships in her life. When she thought about partners she had, all the way back to her first boyfriend, she had the same kind of thought “he rejected me” or “he abandoned me”.

She said she would rather be burned, get into an accident, go through gigantic physical suffering, than experience the pain of breaking up with someone again.

I have a woman who I really don’t know extremely well who I worked with on a project in the past. She told me a few years ago “you are not being collaborative, you are not friendly”. She took notes, literally, on my lack of collaboration to present to the person in charge, and also pointed out that I was NOT a detail person.

You would have thought she had said to me “DIE, you scummy piece of junk! You horrendous disgusting excuse for a human! I hate everything about you! The world is worse with you in it!”

A little dramatic.

And all about ME. How dare she criticize me or have a problem with ME? I am such a well-intentioned, nice person! Jeez!

That little phrase “how dare you…how dare she….how dare they…”

If that comes into my head, I know I’m getting on the Blame Train and building my Case Against Them. I’m on the Train To Nowhere But Hell!

And in that moment that I get on that train, I’m actually abandoning everything. I’m abandoning myself, I’m getting super defensive, I’m abandoning them, I’m abandoning the whole truth of the situation.

I notice that it REALLY HURTS.

So eventually, with this repetitive thought that other people have abandoned me in my life, a wonderful facilitator finally suggested to me that a turnaround of this idea is “I AM SET FREE”.

Right in that moment that I believe someone “abandons” me by criticizing me, or “breaking up” with me…..

Maybe in that moment I am being set free, I am totally strong enough to live life without them, I am getting unhitched from being hooked on them like a trailer behind a car.

In that moment that I used to call “abandoned” I am being presented with great possibilities for the future, I am entering the world of emptiness, joy, space!

“How do you know when you don’t need people? When they’re not in your life. How do you know when you do need them? When they ARE in your life. You can’t control the comings and goings of people you care for. What you CAN do is have a good life whether they come or go.” ~Byron Katie

So, the dear woman who told me I wasn’t friendly enough and I wasn’t a detail person was there because I needed to hear that. She wasn’t abandoning me, she was giving me some truly excellent feedback. No big deal.

And the people who I apparently don’t ever see or talk with anymore, who are not in my life as they once were….wow. They offered just the right dose of detachment so I could come back to myself and love my own company.

Those abandoning-people gave me the most incredible gift. To stop believing in Abandonment.

Love, Grace

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