Hello Dear Inquirers,
When I first found The Work of Byron Katie one thought I had was…how could this be so simple and actually “work”?
What I meant by wanting it to WORK was I wanted to feel happy, resolved, peaceful. I wanted to stop thinking the same thing over and over and over again about a person who bugged me or a really difficult experience. I wanted to stop hating myself for making mistakes.
One concept that came up when I wrote down all my painful beliefs about someone was “he abandoned me”.
Yesterday I sat with a wonderful client who felt discouraged about primary relationships in her life. When she thought about partners she had, all the way back to her first boyfriend, she had the same kind of thought “he rejected me” or “he abandoned me”.
She said she would rather be burned, get into an accident, go through gigantic physical suffering, than experience the pain of breaking up with someone again.
I have a woman who I really don’t know extremely well who I worked with on a project in the past. She told me a few years ago “you are not being collaborative, you are not friendly”. She took notes, literally, on my lack of collaboration to present to the person in charge, and also pointed out that I was NOT a detail person.
You would have thought she had said to me “DIE, you scummy piece of junk! You horrendous disgusting excuse for a human! I hate everything about you! The world is worse with you in it!”
A little dramatic.
And all about ME. How dare she criticize me or have a problem with ME? I am such a well-intentioned, nice person! Jeez!
That little phrase “how dare you…how dare she….how dare they…”
If that comes into my head, I know I’m getting on the Blame Train and building my Case Against Them. I’m on the Train To Nowhere But Hell!
And in that moment that I get on that train, I’m actually abandoning everything. I’m abandoning myself, I’m getting super defensive, I’m abandoning them, I’m abandoning the whole truth of the situation.
I notice that it REALLY HURTS.
So eventually, with this repetitive thought that other people have abandoned me in my life, a wonderful facilitator finally suggested to me that a turnaround of this idea is “I AM SET FREE”.
Right in that moment that I believe someone “abandons” me by criticizing me, or “breaking up” with me…..
Maybe in that moment I am being set free, I am totally strong enough to live life without them, I am getting unhitched from being hooked on them like a trailer behind a car.
In that moment that I used to call “abandoned” I am being presented with great possibilities for the future, I am entering the world of emptiness, joy, space!
“How do you know when you don’t need people? When they’re not in your life. How do you know when you do need them? When they ARE in your life. You can’t control the comings and goings of people you care for. What you CAN do is have a good life whether they come or go.” ~Byron Katie
So, the dear woman who told me I wasn’t friendly enough and I wasn’t a detail person was there because I needed to hear that. She wasn’t abandoning me, she was giving me some truly excellent feedback. No big deal.
And the people who I apparently don’t ever see or talk with anymore, who are not in my life as they once were….wow. They offered just the right dose of detachment so I could come back to myself and love my own company.
Those abandoning-people gave me the most incredible gift. To stop believing in Abandonment.
Love, Grace
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