Tag: zen

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Batty 14 Year Olds!

Speaking of batty…

One of my favorite gurus is my 14 year old daughter. Fourteen going on ten. Or…fourteen going on 75.

The comments and moods and behaviors coming from that amazing being, appearing as my daughter, change and swerve right and left, up and down like the way a bat flies.

Hmmm, who does this remind me of? Gosh! It just seems so familiar!

Oh. Yeah. That would be ME.

The mind is incredibly fast, tricky, working hard to solve problems and prevent mishaps.

I have found it to be true, so far, that everything that causes stress ultimately leads to me believing “It’s possible that I’m not safe. I need to live. What matters most is my happiness.”

The absolutely fastest, lazer-speed, cut-to-the-core way to handle anxiety, stress, pain, fear, anger towards this incredible14 year old who I encounter every single day is The Work.

I notice that clients working with children often feel the worst about writing about these young people in their care.

We aren’t supposed to feel rage, fury, grief, horror or shock with children! Then we’re evil like the people in the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang from the town of Vulgaria where children are abhorred by the king and queen!

Here are some of the thoughts I have questioned in the past:

  • She shouldn’t raise her voice at me!
  • She should do what I say!
  • She should notice how messy her room is and clean it up!
  • If I suggest that we do something fun together and she says “I don’t like doing that!” it means she doesn’t want to spend time with me or doesn’t care about me.
  • I want her to like me
  • She should not oppose me!

Even though I see what a dictator I am, I do not shut down and say “I am a terrible mother” because I have these thoughts. Instead, I allow my judgmental mind to have its say. I let it jump around all over the place hissing and spitting out all the mean, vicious, goofy, bossy, controlling thoughts!

NOW, I can really question, with open attention, compassion. No one is wrong, no one is terrible. Let’s look together. All is well. This is just mind, thinking itself into a batty frenzy.

And now this same mind can answer some amazing questions, starting with Is It True?

I have found that answering these four questions on my daughter’s words and actions have made me laugh so hard at myself and my dictatorship…now, life is way funnier and way more fun.

Living with a 14 year old teenager is absolute heaven. I’m in the presence of an incredible spiritual teacher. Showing me true love.

If your child is one of your stressors….write down your Vulgaria Voice judgments and come join us in the telegroup that starts next Tuesday! Laughter may be closer than you think!

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It’s My Fault

I was upset with myself recently and heard my mind say “you got yourself into this, it’s your fault”.

This can happen with big and small events, short and long conversations, big surprises, small surprises, accidents, the unexpected.

What a fantastic concept to question! “It is my fault”. Is that really true? What does that even mean?

It’s like the mind is getting fired up and it’s main focus is “let’s find out who is to blame…and by the way, this time it’s probably YOU!” And if someone is to blame, then they are BAD.

A fantastic meditation teacher and writer called Cheri Huber wrote a book called “There Is Nothing Wrong With You”. I’ve read it, like, 150 times. Seriously. It has big font and not many words on each page.

Imagine the last time you did or said something and then had the thought “that was my fault”.  Your version might be “I shouldn’t have said it that way, I could have prevented that outcome, I’m just not good at ______.” And some of us also start thinking about the other people involved, and how THEY could use some improvement as well of course. Always scanning for who did worse, who is the biggest jerk.

How does it feel in your body when you think it’s your fault? Heavy, depressing, low, thick, nauseated, jittery, aching, sleepy, crushing.

There you are, sitting in a chair, or walking along, or going about your day, and you keep thinking of that stupid thing you did or that your said. You start to think about how you could prevent it next time. You might think about ways you could “pay” for it and therefore feel better.

This is not a friendly belief. It produces tons of stress. Therefore, it is also not a true thought. Beliefs that are true feel peaceful, calm, simple, open. Notice how it also isn’t true that it’s someone else’s fault. That’s also very stressful.

I love sitting with who I would be, in these moments where I decided I was wrong and worthy of blame, without the belief that it was my fault? I don’t mean the kind of saying “it’s not MY fault!” like little kids say when they’re scared to death and they want it to be someone else’s fault.

Cheri Huber asks “Can you be lovable NOT meeting the standards? Can you stop trying to change into who you wish you were long enough to find out who you really are? You will never improve yourself enough to meet your standards.”

Wow! If I turn the painful belief around and look at this concept “there is no one to blame”!

Wait…what? But what about the pain, the difficulties of the world, the people who are hurting, the mental illness, addiction, cancer, disease, psychopaths, murderers, violence!?!

There has to be a reason for these, it has to be someone’s fault! If we don’t find out whose fault it is then terrible things will happen over and over again. I have to find out the root of the badness and pull it out!

News flash: I can’t find who is to blame. It seems easy if it’s me and I pop over to that idea a lot, but….really, who would I be without the thought that the bad stuff is someone’s fault?

Empty. Silent. Open. Vast. Expansive. Wondering. Free. More relaxed, not tight. Not against anything. Not sure. Not knowing. Mind without a job. Mind at rest.

“Beginning to wake up. Beginning to not take it personally. Beginning to see that life isn’t anyone’s fault. It just is and you jsut are, and it’s all just fine.”–Cheri Huber

Join the teleclass on Relationships starting in only 2 weeks! We’ll look at those people we tend to blame in our lives—we all do it–and question it together!

Love, Grace

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Trying To Be Detached

Most of us these days have thought about the term “Enlightenment”. In one of the online dictionaries it is defined as transcending suffering and desire.

That about sums up my determination in my late teens and throughout my twenties. The way I would handle not feeling confident, not having lots of money, not feeling happy, and constantly feeling empty and hungry and like actually eating tons of food or smoking and drinking a lot was that I would chase after every teacher, idea, book and philosophy that could teach me how to NOT WANT ANYTHING.

It seemed like being totally unattached would feel so free, painless, and easy.

Wouldn’t it be great to be detached and just be able to say honestly “uh, yeah, I don’t really care about eating anything right now. Whatever.”

Or, “I don’t care about having a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it doesn’t matter one way or the other.”

Or, “Who cares about my job, we’re all rats in the rat-race so I’ll just walk away from it or never get anything where I really have to do what the Man says”.

I like when the detachment chase becomes a little possible in some areas, and it seems like we’re conquering it. It feels so transcendent. “I’m beyond all this! It’s working! Hooray, I don’t care!”

The tricky part about this search for detachment is that it is just another strategy created by my mind. When something doesn’t work, the mind gets a bigger plan, says Katie. The new plan: Attain Enlightenment!!!!

The problem is, I was always there with my imperfect little self, making mistakes and having emotional ups and downs, sad then happy, angry then calm. Worried then not worried.

I think it’s called being a Regular Human.

It can feel like a weight is lifted off your entire world if you stop trying to “work” on your attachments. If you feel beyond them and like you get some distance, it feels so wonderful to not react.

But those of us who are drawn to detachment….like me….it’s good to be really honest and still find out what I care about, what I love, what I miss. Doing the Work doesn’t mean being passive and being detached and “loving what is” absolutely all the time without passion. It feels alive, aware, present, excited.

If you’ve been interested in Enlightenment and seeking it, write down all your concepts on what is good about it and what is wrong with you now, if you believe you’re not there yet.

I love what Adyashanti writes about seeking and trying to get to that state that we think is better than whatever is happening right now, whether it’s being detached like I used to want all the time, or feeling blissful:

“What does awakening mean for you? Do you want it because it sounds good? Then you’ve borrowed someone else’s idea of it. What is it that’s intrinsic to you? What’s been important to you your whole life? If you touch upon that, you are in touch with a force that no teacher or teaching could ever give you. You are quite on your own in finding it. No one can tell you what that is.”—Adyashanti

Love, Grace

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Evil Violent Other People

Today in my sexuality teleclass we looked at some of the most painful, violent, gruesome, horrifying judgments we can have about some of the things we hear about, or have experienced, while living on this earth.

These are the judgments we have about the darkness, the real human “hell” of violence, rape, murder. This would be the dark side of sexuality…..

Those “worst people” out there who are evil, destructive, and terrifying. The ones who do unspeakable things and cause awful pain.

We’d rather not even think about them. We wish they would go away and not exist. That they would be destroyed. And we feel really, really separate and different from them. This is a true moment of “duality”. I can totally separate myself from those other terrible people.

But who would I be without the thought that that evil perpetrator deserves to die, that he should not exist, that I could never understand him or her?

What am I showing myself and showing the world if I am talking about those terrible people with hate and fear, with violent words, and keeping them so separate from me. What am I doing if I keep announcing that the terrible person over there is my enemy, is nothing like me, and I will never get close to them.

Loving what is does not mean I think that what humans do is always acceptable. It doesn’t mean I lie down on the floor and let people step on me or walk on top of me. Loving what is, I have discovered, means I don’t turn against the terrible rotten other people. I’m not AGAINST them, resisting them, wanting to kill them.

Katie said this once; “A teacher of  fear can’t bring peace on earth. We’ve been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher…you’re the one.”

YOU’RE THE ONE.

Today can you think of your enemy and ask only the simple question, “who would I be without this thought that this person is my enemy?”

I notice my shoulders relax, I stare out at the gray clouds, and I feel such compassion for all the people suffering….for anyone in the middle of a violent moment towards someone else or towards themselves.

We’ve all been violent, even if it’s only with our own thinking. What would it be like if I didn’t think “this shouldn’t exist and it should be crushed”.

I know I’d start with being much more open. Who knows what can happen from there. The most amazing stories of healing.

The power of the group doing this kind of intense work together, really exploring how we might work with our inner violence, is incredible. We give each other ideas, just by listening to each other’s work.

Thoughts we believed we would never let go of, stories we thought we would never forgive….start melting away.

You are the teacher you’ve been waiting for!

I can’t wait for the next teleclasses….and by the way, think about coming to Breitenbush in June. It will be amazing!

With love and appreciation, Grace

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Breaking Free From Food Laws

This morning I worked with a client who has had a very common
belief since she was a teenager;

“Crisps make me fat”.

(Can you tell she’s from the United Kingdom?) Of course here in the United States we have the same thought only we say “potato chips make me fat”. In France
they say it in French. Ha!

In countries all over the planet, people learn beliefs about food and
eating. This food is “good”, this food is “bad”, eat lots of vegetables,
quit eating big portions, never eat at night, count every calorie, be
free and eat whatever you like, leave food on your plate, avoid bread at
all times.

These beliefs can get pretty dramatic, like “Sugar will kill you”.

There is so much advice, so many books, and whole university programs
devoted to studying the “best” ways to eat. The anxiety, anguish, confusion,
and hopelessness many people feel who don’t know what to do is enormous.

I love answering question Number Four in The Work….Who would you
be WITHOUT that thought? What would I do, how would I feel, what
would my relationship be like with those potato chips if I didn’t
believe they make me fat?

What would it be like if I didn’t believe the thought that ANYTHING was
“bad” for me to eat or “good” for me to eat?

I might actually notice what I enjoyed. I might try everything. If my
doctor said “you have an illness called diabetes so you need to avoid
this list of foods” then I would stop eating those foods and notice how
many others were available.

If crisps don’t make me fat, like how I felt when I was a little kid about
all food, then perhaps I’d take a bite of them and savor and enjoy and clap
my hands with how yummy they are…..and then I might run outside to play hide-and-seek with all the kids in the neighborhood.

Who would you be without that painful, angry, hateful, sad thought
you have?

Food has so much connection in our minds with “fat”. The real crime,
the most dreadful state, the most horrible, hideous thing some of us think
we could be……is FAT.

But who would we be if we questioned the belief that food of any kind
makes us fat?

For me, I didn’t think that was possible. Of course food made me fat.
But then I remembered that I didn’t believe anything about food making me
fat from the moment I was born until around age 8.

It is possible to be your own personal authority on this subject. To start
all over and un-do your beliefs. Pretend you’re from another planet and
you never heard of certain foods being “bad” or “good”. Find out
what is really, really true for you.

It might be OK to not know anything….to be like a little child full of
joy, happiness, eating with delight, then moving on to the next fun
experience in life.

Questioning the “laws” of food and eating that you’ve learned can lead to
such happy freedom!

I love to do this over and over again with others, in our teleclasses.

The next one starts at the end of March!

Love,
Grace

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Non Superbowl Suicide Survival Testimonial

I was going to write an e-mail that had something to do
with the upcoming Superbowl…maybe about how powerful
our internal “winning and losing” can be…not just in fueling
the multi-billion-dollar sports industry…

But in arguments and power struggles with the people we
dearly love and cherish…that start as innocent differences of
opinion…but that then escalate…almost with a life of their
own…into winning and losing that hurts and attacks.

But I got this e-mail in response to the one Friday about
cravings and trying to fill ourselves and our lives with other things…

…like food, sex, money, looking beautiful, being smart and getting
lots of degrees, exercise, power, enough approval to make the
pain stop…it’s all the same thing.
———
Dear Grace,

I had tears in my eyes when I was reading your e-mail from yesterday.

I could really see how your struggle with food and eating was just
like my attempts to do enough, and learn enough when I was
in my early twenties.

I was innocently trying to make myself OK, but didn’t know how.

I tried with all my strength but I just couldn’t ever succeed at what
I was trying to do which wasn’t anything all that unusual.

I was in such despair and depression after trying over and over
that I just couldn’t try any more and I couldn’t see that my struggle
would ever end.

I finally took sleeping pills and booze, to make sure it was enough
to kill me because no matter what, I didn’t want to go through this anymore.
My mom found me and I was rushed to the hospital
and was in a coma for a couple days.

I woke up and was then angry to still be alive and on top of everything
else, I would now have to face the embarrassment of having
tried to commit suicide.

Like you, and so many people I’ve talked to, I’ve done a life time
of seeking with every therapy, meditation technique, prayer, success
seminar, religion, book, practice, soul searching, journaling, and
trying to find answers from people I thought could provide them.

It seems that I learned something from everything, but with doing
The Work these last years, it seems that all my previous searching
makes sense and I have compassion for myself and what I was
doing and though I still struggle with many things, I notice a
deepening sense of peace and little by little, struggle less and less.

I find that working alone and with others in teleclasses and the
helpline and with friends who do The Work, I have a common
language of the soul to continue this process.

Sometimes there are periods where I actually don’t struggle
or strain at all.

It’s not a big mystical thing like I thought it would be.

But it is the greatest gift and miracle I could ever imagine to
just feel OK as an ordinary person.

–A friend in The Work and in Life.
—————–
I love hearing from this dear fellow traveler about his own life
journey.

Come join one of the upcoming teleclasses, all listed here. We
laugh, we cry, we investigate….amazing!

Love,
Grace

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Bogus See-Saw Thinking

The National Science Foundation several years back estimated that
most humans think around 50 thousand thoughts per day.  Many of these
thoughts (you many have noticed) are the opposites of each other.

It’s like riding a SEE-SAW!

“I’d be happier if I was alone”…”I’d be happier if I was with a life-partner
and had a big huge family”…”I’d be happier if I had more room in my
house”…”I’d be happier if I down-sized and got rid of all my stuff”…
“I’d be happier if I quit my job”….”I’d be happier if I got a promotion”…

Back and forth and back and forth….the same ideas, over and over again.

I speak from experience.

And it got really discouraging, sometimes deeply depressing, sometimes
making me want to stay in bed all day. Or smoke, drink, eat, run, spend.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Ground Hog Day. The main
character gets stuck in the same day, over and over and over again.

Just like our thoughts, and moods…Up Down Up Down.

Yesterday I worked with a client who was feeling unhappy about
being so alone in her life. The day before, I worked with a client who
was really tired of her 20 year marriage.

Doing The Work is like jumping off the see-saw.

When it comes to relationships….wow, being able to take just one of
these repeating thoughts, stop the see-saw, and HOLD STILL for a few
minutes, as long as it takes to ask “is it absolutely true?” And then
keep going with each step in The Work.

Doing The Work on being alone and sad….or on that rotten, difficult,
unsatisfying relationship in your life….I have found this stops the
see-saw.

Everything becomes still, peaceful, slow….even hilarious, like in
the movie Ground Hog Day.

If you’re noticing thousands of repeating thoughts about another
person….first of all, you’re normal, since there are 50 thousand
thoughts in only one day.

And, regular normal people, like you and me, can get off the see-saw
ride and stand delighted, full of joy, skipping down the street…at peace
and enjoying your own thinking, enjoying your own life…
like Bill Murray at the end of the movie.

Come along and join the adventure in the upcoming teleclass
‘Turning Relationship Hell Into Heaven” that starts Friday,
Feb. 10th.

Happy Ground Hog Day and See-Sawing in the Playground,

Grace

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Send-Off To Money Class Participants

A sweet goodbye and “sendoff” during our 8th teleclass.

To sweet friends I carry with me, whether we’re together
on our teleclass, doing exercises together between classes,
meeting at a “Katie event”…or who knows where.

From Kenya, Japan, Florida, Seattle, New York, Minnesota…
performers, doctors, artists, actor, teacher, sister facilitator.

Someone said, as we were about to end the last call, how amazing
it is that we, as we’re doing The Work, can just come together in
a blink of an eye and become a community of mutual support.

And we can look, almost immediately, into the darkest corners
of our lives–that can turnaround into the brightest.

And what a relief to “compress” time.

It’s so wonderful we don’t need years of gradually getting to know
each other, taking tentative steps to see if it’s safe, before we can
open up to the most important things…

…troubling, hateful, scary, shameful, …exciting, precious, exhilarating!

And somehow, The Work provides a framework to shine the light
ANYWHERE…at anything…on anyone…at any time…no matter
how horrible or impossible or disgusting the situation or the
people in your life seems to be.

It’s great that the worst thing that can EVER happen is a thought.

And one other thing I love is The Work (amidst oceans of things
I love) is it’s NOT about following a “guru” who has “the” answers.

I’ve heard Byron Katie say so many times, that it’s NOT about
“her,” or “her” answers, or about doing what “she” does,
but about finding the answers to YOUR OWN questions.

And heaven forbid, it’s not about following ME or my answers!!!!

That’s why I love hearing about group members continuing to
work together long after the “official teleclass” is over.

So do your Work alone, with friends, at events, or join me
on one of my 3 upcoming teleclasses that start in the next 2 weeks.

They’re all 8-week courses, starting on Feb. 10 and 11 (see below).

Love to all,

Grace

“Grace, I love how you are so affirming of everyone’s process and are 
such an accepting/loving presence.”–Celia, teleclass participant

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Extreme Relationship Thinking

I’ll never forget when my daughter was a little girl (she is now 14)
and I watched her do the thing we sometimes do when we’re not getting 100% connection and attention from a friend. When we’re not getting what we want!

She was REALLY angry. Another little girl was visiting and they were
playing with dolls. I suddenly heard my daughter’s voice yelling
“I’m NEVER GOING TO BE YOUR FRIEND AGAIN!”

I looked into the room to see her standing with her arms crossed giving
the evil eye to her playmate, the room full of stunned silence.

Oh the agony! The drama!

But I have found that us grown-ups have the same kind of voice on the
inside, the same one that when we’re hurt or when we think we’re not going
to get what we think we want, says “…NEVER!” or “…ALWAYS!”

When my marriage was ending seven years ago, I was extra fearful.
I wasn’t sure I could live on my own. I had a lot of stories about
relationships and what husbands and wives were supposed to act like.

I had lots of thoughts that had the words “never!” and “always!” in them.

Thoughts like “I’ll never love again”…”I’ll always be abandoned”…”I’ve
never been good at living alone”…”My children will always remember
this as horrible”…

When I was the most scared, my mind would fill up with all kinds of
horrifying scenarios. I’d imagine myself living on the street pushing
around a shopping cart. I would feel anger, resentment, terror, agonizing
grief.

Thank goodness for The Work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was I really abandoned? Did this all really mean I did something wrong?

What would it be like if I didn’t believe that thought?!

What if it was possible that life was actually going exactly as it was going,
and I could be…..peaceful? Content? Ready for adventure?

I noticed I was breathing, I had shelter, food, a car, books, friends, three
awesome sisters, a great mom, a huge, loving extended family, fantastic
neighbors…and FINALLY time to myself that I had always wanted.

And there was more, and more, and more that I noticed.

I started realizing that change in an important relationship was only
change, not a gigantic disaster. It was even exciting!

If you’d like to join the journey to peace with an important person
in your life….your spouse, your mother, your son, your co-worker…

Come join the next teleclass:

Relationship Hell to Heaven: Fridays, Feb 10 – April 6, 2012
8 – 9:30 am Pacific Time

Much love and peace,

Grace

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Say It! Say No!

I’ve been known to say that if I only did The Work
on my thoughts about saying “No”….enough lightbulbs
would go off to light up the whole city of Seattle in January!

That takes a LOT of lightbulbs….(have you heard about
how much sun Seattle gets in January? Let’s just say it’s the
opposite of tropical).

I used to think it was rude to say “No”.

If I said “No”, I needed to explain myself and give a really good excuse
for saying “No”—like “my grandmother is sick”.

If I said “No”, I needed to give something in exchange for
saying “No”, to soften the harshness of the mean, nasty word “No”.
Like, “I can’t buy that for you right now, but later we can watch
a movie together” (and I didn’t really want to watch
the movie either).

If I said “No”, I recognized that I was really afraid that some
person in my life, even that stranger who asked me for $10 on the
street, would get angry, resentful, hurt, sad, or frightened.

If that person felt any of those feelings, they would hurt me
or go away. They wouldn’t like me.

Oh the horror of someone not liking me!

It’s pretty funny, but I’m not kidding that it felt really, really, really painful
on the inside. I REALLY wanted people to like me, I wanted
their approval, and I thought that if they did, I would feel happy.

I still get moments like this, but I’ve got The Work now, so I can
question ANYTHING that feels uncomfortable. Like getting asked
for something, and then seeing that my answer is “No”.

That’s what I love about looking deeply at Relationships that are
important in my life. The people I see the most often, interract with
regularly, or who have been in my life the longest, these folks are
often the ones I notice I want to please.

I can’t wait to start again with looking at those other people….
my kids, colleagues, mother, grandfather, partner….and bring
what I think about them to the surface for inquiry.

I love shining the lightbulbs on all these crazy, mean, nasty,
frightening thoughts….and finding out how I really want to
answer when someone says “can you do something for me?”

“No!” is so much fun now. So is “Yes!” Wow, this is freedom!!

Come join a wonderful group to look at just the kind of thinking
that gets you feeling stuck, mad, or pissy…

Much love, fun, and lightbulb flashes,

Grace