Tag: meditation

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Batty 14 Year Olds!

Speaking of batty…

One of my favorite gurus is my 14 year old daughter. Fourteen going on ten. Or…fourteen going on 75.

The comments and moods and behaviors coming from that amazing being, appearing as my daughter, change and swerve right and left, up and down like the way a bat flies.

Hmmm, who does this remind me of? Gosh! It just seems so familiar!

Oh. Yeah. That would be ME.

The mind is incredibly fast, tricky, working hard to solve problems and prevent mishaps.

I have found it to be true, so far, that everything that causes stress ultimately leads to me believing “It’s possible that I’m not safe. I need to live. What matters most is my happiness.”

The absolutely fastest, lazer-speed, cut-to-the-core way to handle anxiety, stress, pain, fear, anger towards this incredible14 year old who I encounter every single day is The Work.

I notice that clients working with children often feel the worst about writing about these young people in their care.

We aren’t supposed to feel rage, fury, grief, horror or shock with children! Then we’re evil like the people in the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang from the town of Vulgaria where children are abhorred by the king and queen!

Here are some of the thoughts I have questioned in the past:

  • She shouldn’t raise her voice at me!
  • She should do what I say!
  • She should notice how messy her room is and clean it up!
  • If I suggest that we do something fun together and she says “I don’t like doing that!” it means she doesn’t want to spend time with me or doesn’t care about me.
  • I want her to like me
  • She should not oppose me!

Even though I see what a dictator I am, I do not shut down and say “I am a terrible mother” because I have these thoughts. Instead, I allow my judgmental mind to have its say. I let it jump around all over the place hissing and spitting out all the mean, vicious, goofy, bossy, controlling thoughts!

NOW, I can really question, with open attention, compassion. No one is wrong, no one is terrible. Let’s look together. All is well. This is just mind, thinking itself into a batty frenzy.

And now this same mind can answer some amazing questions, starting with Is It True?

I have found that answering these four questions on my daughter’s words and actions have made me laugh so hard at myself and my dictatorship…now, life is way funnier and way more fun.

Living with a 14 year old teenager is absolute heaven. I’m in the presence of an incredible spiritual teacher. Showing me true love.

If your child is one of your stressors….write down your Vulgaria Voice judgments and come join us in the telegroup that starts next Tuesday! Laughter may be closer than you think!

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I Need To Make A Decision

One of my favorite things that has changed since first doing The Work is relaxing about making plans for the future.

No really, I am more relaxed! Really!

It is actually true, even though I’m making fun of myself here. I’m not saying that making a decision about the future or making plans is something that is a complete breeze.  I can experience some stress about, say, packing for an upcoming trip…..planning out my curriculum for a workshop six months from now….or putting together a WEDDING. (Yes, I said wedding. I’m getting married on July 7th this summer).

I used to have two approaches to the need to “plan” or make decisions about something coming up, apparently, in the future.

  1. avoid thinking about it altogether until the last minute, for example, my flight is in five hours so I will now pack a bag
  2. rigorously think about every minute, every possible scenario, and anticipate needs far beyond what is necessary to have a comfortable outcome

Both approaches were not satisfying and both approaches had fear and anxiety under the surface.

Excellent places to inquire! The fear/stress comes forth and there is it, the temple bell ringing, so I take a look! As Eckhart Tolle likes to ask when thinking about something that is stressful….what is the problem?

  • I must enjoy myself, and therefore forgetting something important, like my passport, will create HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT and things will be TERRIBLE
  • Everyone else must enjoy themselves, and if they don’t like it, I will feel bad
  • All needs must be met: my needs, others’ needs…or we’ll be unhappy

I love the simple inquiry I did for the first time about 7 years ago, after I had learned the Work and was newly single after being married for fifteen years. I had many forthcoming possibilities for my future, several of the outcomes looking really dismal, several looking insanely fantastic…and everything in between.

Everything I had in my mind was in the “future”. Which wasn’t actually real yet….but let’s just say I didn’t actually see that obvious piece yet. So I looked at my most stressful thought:

“I need to make a decision”!

Is it true? YES! It would be so much better to decide! If I make the decision then I will know how my future will go, I can know what to expect, I will feel more free! I can plan!

How do I react when I believe this thought that I need to make a decision, and I’m really noticing that I’m not sure what my decision is, yet?

Scared out of my wits and/or ready to crawl under the covers in bed. My hands are wringing with doubt. Oh dear, if I decide THAT way, then this could happen, if I decide THIS way then that could happen. Oh what to do, what to do…oh dear oh dear.

Who would I be without the thought that I need to make any decision? Who would I be without this thought, especially when I notice I have no idea what to decide?

Eckhart Tolle writes that “every action that originates from the here and now will be right….You don’t think about that decision – it’s the right decision in the moment.”

Without the thought that I need to decide, I read and ask people for information, I have fun collecting data, I google. I’m not worried. I don’t have pictures of terrible outcomes in the future.

The turnaround “I DO NOT NEED TO MAKE A DECISION” is an incredible relief.

I have found many times over the past several years, doing the Work especially around decisions, that I really don’t need to make them at all. They make themselves and things become very clear. Sometimes it’s sudden, sometimes it’s slow. There is a flow right here inside me that I can follow.

Eckhart Tolle says “Most people are separated from that life flow. They fight against themselves and are no longer open to life, to the fact that now is doing it’s utter best to work for them. Stop fighting, give in to the now and see how things manifest all by themselves without effort. If I mentally project myself into the coming two weeks, I immediately feel stressed – all the lectures I have to give and what will people think of them? But past and future don’t really exist. Have you ever experienced the past? No, because everything you experience is always the present.”
NOW is doing it’s utter best to work for you!!!!

Right now, all that I can do today is all I need to handle. Today I ask questions, I create a spreadsheet, I google….then I notice the date 7/7 is perfect for having a sweet family gathering for a wedding. It all blooms like a flower, just at the right time, in the right order. Without stressful beliefs.

All is well. If you are afraid in this moment about upcoming decisions, do The Work. If you are uncertain in this moment, write down your thoughts. What’s the worst that could happen? Take it to inquiry!

Right in this moment…do you really need to make a decision?

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No and Yes Both Good

Very recently I knew I needed to tell someone “no” and although I have done a lot of work on this, some anxiety followed. I even woke up in the morning thinking about how I had said No (I had written a letter) and imagining the response.

That person will be sooooo sad. They will be shocked. They will be surprised to learn that this is my answer. They will wonder why I didn’t say “no” before now. They will be embarrassed. They will discover how I withheld my feelings of “no” before I said it really straight up. They will judge me as unkind.

Oh the list goes on! All these terrible things that can happen for saying “no”!

Before I had this inquiry work, I avoided any situation where I would have to say No to someone. People who said “no” were bossy, mean, selfish, closed-minded, unwilling.
People who said “no” were harsh, powerful, thoughtless, and weren’t thinking of other peoples’ feelings enough. They were like Hitler! Big bossy, destructive and selfish!

Then there are the people who receive the “no”…. they also have a list of judgments!

People who receive a “no” are deflated, disappointed, sad, suicidal, confused, unhappy, angry, depressed, enraged, violent, hurt, hopeless…..or in worst case scenario, they are DEAD!

No wonder saying “no” was so terrible and difficult. I wanted to be a nice, kind, open-minded, thoughtful person. And I didn’t want to “make” someone else unhappy.

What an amazing thing to question that if I say no I’m only thinking of myself, and that this thinking of myself is a BAD THING.

Is it true that if I say “no” to someone and people get hurt, that this makes me BAD?

I find that the “no” comes welling up from inside of me. I have the feeling that it’s not right for me, what the person has requested. I can tell my answer is genuine and honest.
It doesn’t mean that tomorrow, I may have a different answer, but right now, I can tell the answer is “no”. I could have a “maybe” or a “yes” for other requests in my life.

Katie writes in A Thousand Names For Joy “I love the sweet movement and flavor of mind changing. I move as it moves, without an atom of resistance. It shifts like the wind. I say yes, because there is no reason to say no, and I say no very easily, too. No is as effortless as yes. I say whatever I know is true for me. It sometimes confuses people; they misunderstand, and they do what they need to do with it. And I am very clear that a no is as loving as a yes, because I am always saying yes to my integrity.”

Without thinking that someone might have stressful response to my “no” and this would be a bad thing (or mean that I am bad), then I am sooooo free to express what is a true answer for me to any request.

I am so different now as a parent, a partner, a friend than I once was. I used to even think that people shouldn’t even ask me for things if the answer is “no” for me. They shouldn’t even ask, because “they” were “making” me say No! Which was BAD.

Good people say Yes all the time. They are open, willing, smiling, nice, and people like them. Ha! Wow! What a fantastic thing to question.

After inquiry today, I feel so much peace. Saying No is beautiful. I have no idea what the next moment will bring. I just feel peace in the present. All is well.

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I Want To Be One of The Good Mothers

I’m still thinking about Mothers today. What a fantastic topic!

Before I had questioned my concepts about mothering and what it should look like, I was a young mother myself.

Trying to be a “good” mother before you’ve ever questioned any of your beliefs about motherhood can be sooooooooo painful.

Here are some of the standards I expected myself to follow:

  • I should have a low, calm voice at all times with my children (ha ha)
  • They should do what I ask
  • We are late
  • The house is too messy (they should be seeing the mess just as I see it)
  • I should love playing board games, or doing art
  • I need to cook good dinners
  • My children need to know I love them every minute of every hour

It’s so exhausting trying to be a “good” mother all the time.

I want to be one of the good ones! Please Please Please! The way I reacted when I believed this thought is I read every book I could get my hands on about parenting. I thought obsessively. I felt terrible if I did something “wrong”.

But there’s a whole other way of looking at what IS. That this reality of the way your mother was, and the way you are as a mother, is just right for your path in awareness and waking up.

Your mother is the PERFECT mother for you. Your awareness of where you are not measuring up as a mother yourself is your perfect entry point for questioning what a good mother should be.

“The world is perfect. As you question your mind, this becomes more and more obvious.  Mind changes, and as a result, the world changes.  A clear mind heals everything that needs to be healed.  It can never be fooled into believing that there is one speck out of order.”~ Byron Katie ~

This means not one speck is out of order when it comes to your mother. She offers up to you what needs to be healed, in your mind. Not one speck is out of order when it comes to your own mothering. Not one.

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It’s My Fault

I was upset with myself recently and heard my mind say “you got yourself into this, it’s your fault”.

This can happen with big and small events, short and long conversations, big surprises, small surprises, accidents, the unexpected.

What a fantastic concept to question! “It is my fault”. Is that really true? What does that even mean?

It’s like the mind is getting fired up and it’s main focus is “let’s find out who is to blame…and by the way, this time it’s probably YOU!” And if someone is to blame, then they are BAD.

A fantastic meditation teacher and writer called Cheri Huber wrote a book called “There Is Nothing Wrong With You”. I’ve read it, like, 150 times. Seriously. It has big font and not many words on each page.

Imagine the last time you did or said something and then had the thought “that was my fault”.  Your version might be “I shouldn’t have said it that way, I could have prevented that outcome, I’m just not good at ______.” And some of us also start thinking about the other people involved, and how THEY could use some improvement as well of course. Always scanning for who did worse, who is the biggest jerk.

How does it feel in your body when you think it’s your fault? Heavy, depressing, low, thick, nauseated, jittery, aching, sleepy, crushing.

There you are, sitting in a chair, or walking along, or going about your day, and you keep thinking of that stupid thing you did or that your said. You start to think about how you could prevent it next time. You might think about ways you could “pay” for it and therefore feel better.

This is not a friendly belief. It produces tons of stress. Therefore, it is also not a true thought. Beliefs that are true feel peaceful, calm, simple, open. Notice how it also isn’t true that it’s someone else’s fault. That’s also very stressful.

I love sitting with who I would be, in these moments where I decided I was wrong and worthy of blame, without the belief that it was my fault? I don’t mean the kind of saying “it’s not MY fault!” like little kids say when they’re scared to death and they want it to be someone else’s fault.

Cheri Huber asks “Can you be lovable NOT meeting the standards? Can you stop trying to change into who you wish you were long enough to find out who you really are? You will never improve yourself enough to meet your standards.”

Wow! If I turn the painful belief around and look at this concept “there is no one to blame”!

Wait…what? But what about the pain, the difficulties of the world, the people who are hurting, the mental illness, addiction, cancer, disease, psychopaths, murderers, violence!?!

There has to be a reason for these, it has to be someone’s fault! If we don’t find out whose fault it is then terrible things will happen over and over again. I have to find out the root of the badness and pull it out!

News flash: I can’t find who is to blame. It seems easy if it’s me and I pop over to that idea a lot, but….really, who would I be without the thought that the bad stuff is someone’s fault?

Empty. Silent. Open. Vast. Expansive. Wondering. Free. More relaxed, not tight. Not against anything. Not sure. Not knowing. Mind without a job. Mind at rest.

“Beginning to wake up. Beginning to not take it personally. Beginning to see that life isn’t anyone’s fault. It just is and you jsut are, and it’s all just fine.”–Cheri Huber

Join the teleclass on Relationships starting in only 2 weeks! We’ll look at those people we tend to blame in our lives—we all do it–and question it together!

Love, Grace

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Trying To Be Detached

Most of us these days have thought about the term “Enlightenment”. In one of the online dictionaries it is defined as transcending suffering and desire.

That about sums up my determination in my late teens and throughout my twenties. The way I would handle not feeling confident, not having lots of money, not feeling happy, and constantly feeling empty and hungry and like actually eating tons of food or smoking and drinking a lot was that I would chase after every teacher, idea, book and philosophy that could teach me how to NOT WANT ANYTHING.

It seemed like being totally unattached would feel so free, painless, and easy.

Wouldn’t it be great to be detached and just be able to say honestly “uh, yeah, I don’t really care about eating anything right now. Whatever.”

Or, “I don’t care about having a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it doesn’t matter one way or the other.”

Or, “Who cares about my job, we’re all rats in the rat-race so I’ll just walk away from it or never get anything where I really have to do what the Man says”.

I like when the detachment chase becomes a little possible in some areas, and it seems like we’re conquering it. It feels so transcendent. “I’m beyond all this! It’s working! Hooray, I don’t care!”

The tricky part about this search for detachment is that it is just another strategy created by my mind. When something doesn’t work, the mind gets a bigger plan, says Katie. The new plan: Attain Enlightenment!!!!

The problem is, I was always there with my imperfect little self, making mistakes and having emotional ups and downs, sad then happy, angry then calm. Worried then not worried.

I think it’s called being a Regular Human.

It can feel like a weight is lifted off your entire world if you stop trying to “work” on your attachments. If you feel beyond them and like you get some distance, it feels so wonderful to not react.

But those of us who are drawn to detachment….like me….it’s good to be really honest and still find out what I care about, what I love, what I miss. Doing the Work doesn’t mean being passive and being detached and “loving what is” absolutely all the time without passion. It feels alive, aware, present, excited.

If you’ve been interested in Enlightenment and seeking it, write down all your concepts on what is good about it and what is wrong with you now, if you believe you’re not there yet.

I love what Adyashanti writes about seeking and trying to get to that state that we think is better than whatever is happening right now, whether it’s being detached like I used to want all the time, or feeling blissful:

“What does awakening mean for you? Do you want it because it sounds good? Then you’ve borrowed someone else’s idea of it. What is it that’s intrinsic to you? What’s been important to you your whole life? If you touch upon that, you are in touch with a force that no teacher or teaching could ever give you. You are quite on your own in finding it. No one can tell you what that is.”—Adyashanti

Love, Grace

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Torture Chamber Silence NOT!

Today I’m sitting in meditation retreat. I absolutely love the silence.

Before I learned how to question my thinking and get some little space
or distance from it, I had more of a love-hate relationship with silence.

Now it seems that my experience of silence and emptiness matches
my willingness to be with my own thinking, to welcome every little
petty or mean thought “like it’s a little child” as Katie says.

The first time I decided to try to meditate I was about 18 years old. I
could hardly stand sitting there for five minutes. My mind really did
NOT feel like a friendly universe.

Now, it feels like the world is downright magical. And because I am
not so tortured with my thoughts (now the torture chamber is only
open on Mondays in the winter rather than a year-round resort) I look forward
to meditation with joy and anticipation. Like I’m going on an adventure.

Truly amazing!

I share with you all this poem by Rumi today, with no more of my own words:

There is a community of the spirit.
Join it, and feel the delight.
of walking in the noisy street,
and being the noise.

Drink all your passion,
and be a disgrace.

Open your hands,
if you want to be held.

Sit down in this circle.

Quit acting like a wolf, and feel
the shepherd’s love filling you.

At night, your beloved wanders.
Don’t accept consolations.

Close your mouth against food,
Taste the lover’s mouth in yours.

You moan, “She left me.” “He left me.”
Twenty more will come.

Be empty of worrying.
Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison
when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always
widening rings of being.

——Rumi

Love, Grace

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I Hate My J-O-B!

Yesterday I had a new client who has meditated, been on retreat and read extensively.

There was just one little problem with her life….she doesn’t like her home, the city she has moved to, and how much she misses her friends and family. All for a J-O-B!

She moved because she wanted health benefits, a steady income, and to help pay for her child’s education. So she accepted a new job in a new place.

Beliefs were coming out of the woodwork! All about the disappointment around work, income, money, worry about making a mistake in the future, not quitting, quitting, moving back, disappointing people, growing old without a plan….or health benefits.

My mind works this fast, too. Especially when it comes to work and money.

  • More money is better
  • You have to work REALLY HARD if you don’t have lots of money
  • You have to work for health insurance
  • Jobs are hard work, traps, and impose on MY time
  • My business should grow faster
  • Having money means: freedom, security, adventure

I have questioned beliefs about money and business and work often in the past couple of years. Wow, these are just some of the turnarounds I have found, it’s amazing to sit with them and find real examples of how they are just as true or truer.

  • I am already free, secure, and adventurous!
  • My business should grow s-l-o-w-l-y
  • Jobs are easy, places that offer fun and freedom
  • Jobs are not impositions, they are something I get to do
  • You have to “play” for health insurance
  • I DON’T have to work hard if I don’t have lots of money
  • Just the exact amount of money I have is just right

Eckhart Tolle has a wonderful quote “the primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it“.

This means, if I have no job at the moment….only my thoughts create unhappiness. If I get fired or laid off, then my job is being a person who has no “job” at the moment.

If I run my own business, my job is questioning my beliefs about whatever I think is not fun about doing this activity. The possibilities are endless!

What is the worst that could happen if my situation with money and work or business never changes? It’s all in the future, all images in my mind. That are not true, and never could be.

Even the most gruesome, horrible image of a terrible future is only imagination. If something “really terrible” happens….it won’t be the way you’re seeing it in your mind, anyway.

Might as well relax and question everything stressful. The next Money & Your Business teleclass starts on Saturdays in April! Join us!

Love, Grace

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Tornado Sirens or Temple Bells

This past week I worked with two clients who felt very, very discouraged after having the experience of an episode called “binge-eating”.

I remember it well, like it was yesterday even though the last “binge” episode I had was many years ago, compulsively overeating food, absolutely stuffing myself until my stomach hurt, feeling like I couldn’t stop or wouldn’t stop until I was in extreme pain, like something was taking over me, almost another personality!

In that state of mind, there were no obligations, no future, all rules broken, no control, no care for consequences, surrender to the craving.

What exactly is this thing called a Binge? The dictionary defines it as an uncontrolled period of excessive self-indulgence, immoderate, unrestrained. Humans go on spending sprees, gambling binges, eating orgies, crying jags!

It’s like we’re ON these things, as if they are a trip. A train is running and it feels like we can’t get off.

I find that there’s a really interesting flip-flop between being in control and out of control, and people with different kinds of personalities gravitate towards the two sides more or less. And some of us bouncing between both sides.

In control looks careful, regimented, disciplined. It gathers information and data, really uses the thinking mind. I used to live in this place when I was not bingeing. Reading, collecting, analyzing. It felt very mental. I couldn’t get enough information, go to enough workshops, or ponder the meaning of my life and my problems ENOUGH.

Then there would be the state of FEELINGS breaking through and what felt most dominant would be anger, grief, fear, anxiety….some kinds of very intense feelings that seemed overwhelming, serious, and so powerful. Unplanned, unexpected and sometimes very extreme behavior would become the dominant experience in this dramatic place.

But both experiences are reactions to stories. The stories are simple. They go something like this:

  • This could be better, things could be better, I could be better
  • This moment is not perfect, I am not perfect, my body is not perfect
  • Who is God? What’s going on? I NEED to KNOW!
  • My feelings are not perfect, I am angry, scared, sad.
  • I am not complete as is. I need a partner, more money, happiness, a better body, a better mind, more fun, more knowledge, success.
  • Death is terrible
  • Life is boring
  • I’m not good enough

When you can hold still and not react to things like they are an emergency to which need to be figured out, then you can see what’s on your list of stressful beliefs.

The fantastic news is that the more I have found out that what I believed is not actually true for me afterall, the more calm and peaceful I feel. Sometimes it’s pretty stormy inside my mind, but it never works its way up into a frenzy of a binge.

No controlling anything, no being on plans, budgets, rations. No flipping out and going wild as if escaping from a jail.

Byron Katie says that when we feel stress, we’re actually believing something that isn’t really true for us. Which means, when we really get down to it and look…we already know it’s not true. The stressful moment or feeling is the little temple bell ringing, a wake-up call.

OK, OK, tornado sirens for some of us!

It’s just saying “Woah, you’re really believing a story here. This story hurts. You’re forgetting that it’s a story, and that it isn’t true”. Like a little kid believing there is something terrible in the closet.

The next Horrible Food Wonderful Food class starts the first week of April. A great place for first identifying what you’re actually believing about food, eating, your body, and then questioning these thoughts.

Love, Grace

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Hating You Hating Me

Yesterday I got several emails from folks who have found that the one relationship that brings out the most stress in their lives is the one they have with someone from their job.

Boss, co-worker, employee, the person in the cubicle next door.

I love how Byron Katie says “things do not happen TO you, but FOR you”.

Really?!

When I used to feel angry, annoyed or ENRAGED with someone (what, me? enraged?) then one of my reactions when I believed that they really were horrible was that they should GO AWAY.

Be destroyed, get obliterated, get crushed, die, end, and never, ever come across my path again.

Just a little violence in my mind, not too horrible!

It seemed like before I knew how to pause and slow down, my mind got very carried away with the truth that this person was wrong, evil, and someone to stay away from eternally.

The only trouble is that I was just as violent with myself. We all are. We can’t help but start to think, “Was it me? Could I have done something different? Should I have said something else? Why did I get so mad? Or why didn’t I speak up? I could have done better!”

Some of us let the voice that attacks the Self get really loud. We’re just hooked up that way. If I only was calmer, if I only wasn’t as shy, if I only wasn’t so anxious….if I only was different, then I could have prevented this.

But whether you’re a big blamer of others, or a blamer of yourself, it really hurts! It’s really uncomfortable either way, and ranges from slightly bothersome to brutally painful.

What a huge relief to notice the mind’s tendency to do this, and to Stop. Just stop.

Then start with the one big repetitive thought “that should not have happened”. Then move into who you would be without that thought.

And find benefits or advantages to why it happened. Any genuine advantage, something that you know is true that came out of that difficult relationship or exchange that made life different, even in the smallest way, whether it’s a really close person in your life like your spouse, or that person you deal with all the time at your job.

There are advantages to everything.  Come find out the advantage of knowing that person or people who have irked you the most. The next teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven starts at the end of this month!

Love, Grace