Tag: Grace Bell

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Writing Slows The Mind

I was reading about a woman in AA, Laura S she goes by, who also became a Buddhist after she got sober and stayed sober. She writes “…my life was unmanageable because my mind was unmanageable.”

At the heart of addiction, no matter what we are “addicted” to, lies unmanageable thoughts and feelings.

My particular addictive process presented itself around food and eating. I always felt like there was either too much food or not enough food, I had no idea what was just right. And then to top it off, I hated myself for having such a weird, violent relationship with food at all.

I also didn’t even get what I was thinking, I just knew I FELT horrific, terrified, desperately sad, angry, and awful. My belief about life itself was bleak, I saw lots of suffering going on “out there”. This world didn’t make sense.

The thing is, when I was stuck in an addictive pattern (in my case it was eating) then I had almost all FEELINGS and no THINKING, or so it seemed.

The thoughts were so covered up by my huge reactive feelings that I couldn’t even detect them.

Using the Work helped me stop and question and see what I was really believing when I had huge big feelings. I had to write.

Byron Katie says “the mind can justify itself faster than the speed of light, but it can be stopped through the act of writing. Once the mind is stopped on paper, thoughts remain stable, and inquiry can easily be applied.”

If you notice big patterns that feel addictive, like you can’t stop thinking about something or someone repeatedly, and you’re confused, then point the finger of blame on everything that is causing you pain.

Write about everyone and everything that has hurt you. Even if you think it’s petty or mean, or that you’re over it (or should be) by now.

One thing I love about the teleclass on Food and Eating is that after sitting so many times, slowing down what is happening for me in this world of eating, food, and my body…I have lots of ways I’ve drawn out my thinking, drawing it out from underneath all the big feelings.

Then we can really do inquiry, because we know what we’re working with!

Now the world still doesn’t make sense, but it’s actually hilarious that it makes no sense, it’s one big mysterious adventure, most fascinating and wonderful.

If you find you’re ready to look at painful thinking around food and eating, the next teleclass starts on Thursday next week, 8 – 9:30 am Pacific time.  We meet for 8 sessions and it’s a fabulous way to uncover what’s behind the difficult relationship with food.

I’d love it if you’d forward this e-mail to a friend or loved one. I appreciate you spreading the word about what I do…and…you never know how you may be changing someone’s life. You may even end up with a partner to do The Work with!

 

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They Don’t Appreciate Me

Yesterday in the very first class of the next round of Turning Relationship Hell To Heavenparticipants brought their thoughts to share on the call, those incredible answers to the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Boy, it is amazing to really let it out, say what we’re thinking even though we know it isn’t perfect…it may even be childish, petty, and mean.

This is the first step to freedom. It’s like shining a big light right on the most judgmental thoughts and looking at them closely, carefully.

Then we questioned a very common belief, which I have thought thousands of times, or suspected: “that person does not appreciate me”.

I decided to look up “appreciate” in the dictionary today. It is “to recognize the full worth of something, to be grateful for something”.

Holy Moly! That’s exactly what I would love, every time I’ve ever thought that someone should appreciate me.

What The Work brings me is an open unknowing place where I discover, wow, do I really, really want someone else to recognize my full worth and be grateful for me? Would it really, really matter if they started saying all the time how worthy I am, or how grateful they are for my presence?

It’s like we want it just enough, but not too much….hmmm….could it be possible it’s never quite right. Constant seeking for this recognition from outside of myself.

I’ve been so SURE that if I had this recognition, I would feel so much better. So it really is like if THEY appreciate me and express gratitude, then I’ll be happier.

I love how the Work brings me back to turning things around to see not only how that other person might actually appreciate me already (this was hard for some people in the class yesterday to find) but also how I don’t really appreciate them, and I don’t appreciate myself at all.

These other unappreciative people kind of match what I’m thinking about myself.

I love Katie’s saying “You are the one you’ve been waiting for”. Can you imagine really being your own best friend, your own nurturing parent, your own playful child, your own secret admirer?

Letting go of needing or even wanting appreciation, I discover that sometimes, other people say things to me like “thank you so much” or “you are so wonderful”. Then, I notice that reality is offering appreciation.

How do I know I do NOT need to hear appreciating words from that person who never gives them? I don’t hear them.

How do I know I DO need to hear wonderful appreciating words and compliments about me? Someone says them and I hear them.

Sometimes sitting in question four is an act of imagination. As Katie writes in I Need Your Love, Is It True? You can take an imaginative leap. You imagine what your life would be like without the painful thought; if you weren’t even capable of thinking it. In your imagination, look at the person who you wish would appreciate you without the thought that they don’t.

I begin to see everyone doing the best they can. There is some important reason, and I may never know it, why they are not showing appreciation in the way I thought I wanted it.

But appreciation is still present here, in my life, inside of me…right here.

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Fabulous Uncertainty

This past week I was in an audience of 4000 counselors and therapists listening to an incredible man deliver a keynote speech at an annual conference, Irving Yalom. He is one of my teachers and a human I greatly admire in this world.

Most people have never heard of him! But he is famous in the world of mental health, a beloved psychotherapist who has taught at Stanford and practiced for 40 years.

Irving Yalom writes in one of his many books that the capacity to tolerate uncertainty is a prerequisite for becoming a therapist, and that really we are all in this together. The “problems” people bring to therapy are ALL of our problems.

This reminds me so much of Byron Katie saying “there are no new thoughts!”

We get uncomfortable and life happens, and we have interactions with other humans (often these are humans related to us, or very close) and something is threatened inside of us. We don’t feel safe, we feel loss, we feel needy, we feel misunderstood.

Then, the mind attacks that other person. It does this so innocently, it’s natural for the mind to do it. That person, that event, that situation caused me unhappiness. That thing outside of me hurt me. If only that thing, that person, hadn’t done that or said that, I would be OK right now.

Off with their head!!!!! Or…Run away!!!!!

And what about reality itself…so many things I haven’t agreed with about this world, if God had asked my opinion. I don’t like blood and accidents and cancer, I don’t like death. I don’t like starvation, hatred, wars, tsunamis, or climate change.

When I first read Loving What Is, I realized that I had a TON of things that I could write the book Hating What Is.

I love how Katie says “who needs God when we have you” when someone is particularly opinionated. And that would be me, right? I mean, like I said, I had a very long list of what I found unacceptable and in need of change. I had a few things to say to God, if I had God’s ear.

But then, oh dear, we can start to feel so horrendous about our thoughts, like we’re just the meanest, nastiest, most cutting, vicious, selfish, bossy person. Or the most cold, withdrawing, nervous person. Or the most unforgiving, resentful, closed-minded person.

Beginning to question all the concepts we have about those people who have done even the smallest thing that caused pain has made a huge difference in my life.

Then, questioning my beliefs about death, reality, God, life, pain….then my mind really begins to expand.

One of my most incredible light-bulb moments of my life was in writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on God. Really lettin’ God have it, all my genuine petty, childish, non-spiritual, angry, despairing judgments.

Then doing The Work on these thoughts…..is it really true that all “this” is a big mess, that this world, this life, is painful, stressful? That God didn’t answer my prayers when I was a child, or that God is aloof and distant?

Who would I be without the thought that something is amiss about life, that this is a tough place to be, this world?

Wow, at first I’d be confused. Blank. Then I continue to stay in question four, who would I be without these terrible thoughts about God or Reality?

Who would I be? I’d be excited. Open. Unafraid. Wondering.

Byron Katie says in A Thousand Names For Joy “the only time you suffer is when you believe a thought that argues with reality. You are the cause of your own suffering–but only all of it. There is no suffering in the world; there’s only an uninvestigated story that leads you to believe it. There is no suffering in the world that’s real. Isn’t that amazing!”

I have a big humongous story that there is lots of suffering in the world—I have found proof that it is true! Haven’t I? But can I really know that what I have thought of as bad is really BAD? For sure, the end, no doubt whatsoever? No. I can’t know absolutely.

Isn’t that amazing!!

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What Is Success, Really?

If you were really, truly successful…..what would that look like?

Oooh boy, that is such a fine question for the busy busy little mind. It starts the ball rolling on what could be better.

Now, don’t get me wrong! Considering the future is part of life when you have a mind. This is actually a really fun, creative exercise. People use it all the time in trainings and counseling or coaching sessions to allow inspiring visions to appear, to build exciting scenes in the imagination!

And for those of us who tend to picture frightening visions of the future, it can be a new and different idea to envision images that are peaceful, calm and supportive.

But oh what a trickster the mind can be. So many possibilities, it can be overwhelming. So many paths to take.

And the difference between NOW and THEN (that future successful image) gets more and more clear, pronounced, real, distant, far away…..oh dear, here comes the awareness that right NOW is not quite as good as LATER might be.

So what would success look like? I’ve had so many pictures, but it kind of looks like this:

  • If I were really really successful I would be in great physical shape, like I’d decide to run a half-marathon or mountain bike race and it would be no big deal
  • I would have love, joy and laughter in all my interactions with my children—they would adore me and I would adore them
  • I wouldn’t get terrified, enraged, or depressed…..Call me Yoda.
  • All my relationships would be really clear, clean, intimate, honest
  • I would make decisions with speed and sharpness
  • My house and possessions would be elegant, comfortable, and anything needing to be fixed would be fixed IMMEDIATELY
  • I would have plenty of money to travel, pay for my childrens’ education, get massages, do good in the world
  • I would never get sick, I definitely wouldn’t get cancer
  • I would have a fabulous, amazing life partner that was also successful
  • I would be a published author and have a waiting list of clients wanting to work with me
  • I would make a difference in the world, maybe even become famous in my field

Notice how this list is all centered around something called “I”. It’s all about ME. I have found that when the underlying motive is to get “there” to “success” so I can be happy, then I forget that I am actually happy right now.

If I think I’m NOT happy right now, I write down why. I take these concepts to inquiry. I find there is nothing lacking, nothing needed. Success is actually here, right now. No searching necessary, no exercises are necessary even to “picture” what success will be in the future.

From the Tao Te Ching 74: “If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, chances are that you’ll cut your hand.”

Once you inquire into what you believe success is, you may find you feel freer, that there is a wonderful place of knowing you can’t hold onto anything. Now it is fun, creative, child-like, and stress-free to play with imagining the future. But it’s not necessary for having a happy life.

The strangest thing is, the more I let go of pushing for success, the more successful I’ve become. Even though, as it turns out, I’ve had cancer, been depressed and pissed off, sometimes have to postpone a class because of low enrollment, and have never published anything. Unless you count this!

Join the next Money and Your Business teleclass on Saturdays starting April 7th! We look deeply at success, fears, how we feel about marketing, money, and what’s the worst that could happen in our working life!

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Happiness Depends On Money

Money and running a business have been amazing opportunities for The Work.

You have probably noticed how many moments there have been in your life, especially if you work for yourself, that contain fear, anxiety, irritation, frustration, disappointment, rejection, or depression.

Yes, hell itself can be present in all that is called “running a business”.

This is not the kind of message you get in motivational seminars on business building, marketing, hiring employees, working with contractors, or learning new administrative skills. The messages are usually “you will LOOOOOOOVE working for yourself and you will NEEEEVVVVER have to get bossed around again!”

But when I took the outside “boss” away, it turned out I had my own thinking that was actually a lot bossier. I couldn’t even watch a movie for the evening without thinking “I should be updating my website, or checking emails, or writing my new marketing flyer, or developing new curriculum”.

Everything was about getting more business, growing, moving forward, doing better.

From the Tao Te Ching translated by Steven Mitchell: “44 Fame or integrity: which is more important? Money or happiness: which is more valuable? Success or failure: which is more destructive? If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”

Incredible to truly sit without the belief that my business needs to do anything than what it is doing right now, in this moment.

Could it be true that the whole world belongs to you? That there is nothing lacking?

I have found there is a flow, a joy in simply being here, of service. One day I write so much it’s amazing, a whole four-day workshop down on paper all at once. Then for a month, no writing.

I announce a new service, and no one apparently responds. Then three months later, many people respond. Who knows, I watch and stay. There is an inner trust and simplicity. No pushing. Everything right on time.

If you’re ready to question some stuck, painful beliefs that keep you from being content with what you have, bring them to the next teleclass Money & Your Business, starting Saturdays (rare!) on April 7th, 8-9:30 am Pacific time.

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Batty 14 Year Olds!

Speaking of batty…

One of my favorite gurus is my 14 year old daughter. Fourteen going on ten. Or…fourteen going on 75.

The comments and moods and behaviors coming from that amazing being, appearing as my daughter, change and swerve right and left, up and down like the way a bat flies.

Hmmm, who does this remind me of? Gosh! It just seems so familiar!

Oh. Yeah. That would be ME.

The mind is incredibly fast, tricky, working hard to solve problems and prevent mishaps.

I have found it to be true, so far, that everything that causes stress ultimately leads to me believing “It’s possible that I’m not safe. I need to live. What matters most is my happiness.”

The absolutely fastest, lazer-speed, cut-to-the-core way to handle anxiety, stress, pain, fear, anger towards this incredible14 year old who I encounter every single day is The Work.

I notice that clients working with children often feel the worst about writing about these young people in their care.

We aren’t supposed to feel rage, fury, grief, horror or shock with children! Then we’re evil like the people in the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang from the town of Vulgaria where children are abhorred by the king and queen!

Here are some of the thoughts I have questioned in the past:

  • She shouldn’t raise her voice at me!
  • She should do what I say!
  • She should notice how messy her room is and clean it up!
  • If I suggest that we do something fun together and she says “I don’t like doing that!” it means she doesn’t want to spend time with me or doesn’t care about me.
  • I want her to like me
  • She should not oppose me!

Even though I see what a dictator I am, I do not shut down and say “I am a terrible mother” because I have these thoughts. Instead, I allow my judgmental mind to have its say. I let it jump around all over the place hissing and spitting out all the mean, vicious, goofy, bossy, controlling thoughts!

NOW, I can really question, with open attention, compassion. No one is wrong, no one is terrible. Let’s look together. All is well. This is just mind, thinking itself into a batty frenzy.

And now this same mind can answer some amazing questions, starting with Is It True?

I have found that answering these four questions on my daughter’s words and actions have made me laugh so hard at myself and my dictatorship…now, life is way funnier and way more fun.

Living with a 14 year old teenager is absolute heaven. I’m in the presence of an incredible spiritual teacher. Showing me true love.

If your child is one of your stressors….write down your Vulgaria Voice judgments and come join us in the telegroup that starts next Tuesday! Laughter may be closer than you think!

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No and Yes Both Good

Very recently I knew I needed to tell someone “no” and although I have done a lot of work on this, some anxiety followed. I even woke up in the morning thinking about how I had said No (I had written a letter) and imagining the response.

That person will be sooooo sad. They will be shocked. They will be surprised to learn that this is my answer. They will wonder why I didn’t say “no” before now. They will be embarrassed. They will discover how I withheld my feelings of “no” before I said it really straight up. They will judge me as unkind.

Oh the list goes on! All these terrible things that can happen for saying “no”!

Before I had this inquiry work, I avoided any situation where I would have to say No to someone. People who said “no” were bossy, mean, selfish, closed-minded, unwilling.
People who said “no” were harsh, powerful, thoughtless, and weren’t thinking of other peoples’ feelings enough. They were like Hitler! Big bossy, destructive and selfish!

Then there are the people who receive the “no”…. they also have a list of judgments!

People who receive a “no” are deflated, disappointed, sad, suicidal, confused, unhappy, angry, depressed, enraged, violent, hurt, hopeless…..or in worst case scenario, they are DEAD!

No wonder saying “no” was so terrible and difficult. I wanted to be a nice, kind, open-minded, thoughtful person. And I didn’t want to “make” someone else unhappy.

What an amazing thing to question that if I say no I’m only thinking of myself, and that this thinking of myself is a BAD THING.

Is it true that if I say “no” to someone and people get hurt, that this makes me BAD?

I find that the “no” comes welling up from inside of me. I have the feeling that it’s not right for me, what the person has requested. I can tell my answer is genuine and honest.
It doesn’t mean that tomorrow, I may have a different answer, but right now, I can tell the answer is “no”. I could have a “maybe” or a “yes” for other requests in my life.

Katie writes in A Thousand Names For Joy “I love the sweet movement and flavor of mind changing. I move as it moves, without an atom of resistance. It shifts like the wind. I say yes, because there is no reason to say no, and I say no very easily, too. No is as effortless as yes. I say whatever I know is true for me. It sometimes confuses people; they misunderstand, and they do what they need to do with it. And I am very clear that a no is as loving as a yes, because I am always saying yes to my integrity.”

Without thinking that someone might have stressful response to my “no” and this would be a bad thing (or mean that I am bad), then I am sooooo free to express what is a true answer for me to any request.

I am so different now as a parent, a partner, a friend than I once was. I used to even think that people shouldn’t even ask me for things if the answer is “no” for me. They shouldn’t even ask, because “they” were “making” me say No! Which was BAD.

Good people say Yes all the time. They are open, willing, smiling, nice, and people like them. Ha! Wow! What a fantastic thing to question.

After inquiry today, I feel so much peace. Saying No is beautiful. I have no idea what the next moment will bring. I just feel peace in the present. All is well.

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I Want To Be One of The Good Mothers

I’m still thinking about Mothers today. What a fantastic topic!

Before I had questioned my concepts about mothering and what it should look like, I was a young mother myself.

Trying to be a “good” mother before you’ve ever questioned any of your beliefs about motherhood can be sooooooooo painful.

Here are some of the standards I expected myself to follow:

  • I should have a low, calm voice at all times with my children (ha ha)
  • They should do what I ask
  • We are late
  • The house is too messy (they should be seeing the mess just as I see it)
  • I should love playing board games, or doing art
  • I need to cook good dinners
  • My children need to know I love them every minute of every hour

It’s so exhausting trying to be a “good” mother all the time.

I want to be one of the good ones! Please Please Please! The way I reacted when I believed this thought is I read every book I could get my hands on about parenting. I thought obsessively. I felt terrible if I did something “wrong”.

But there’s a whole other way of looking at what IS. That this reality of the way your mother was, and the way you are as a mother, is just right for your path in awareness and waking up.

Your mother is the PERFECT mother for you. Your awareness of where you are not measuring up as a mother yourself is your perfect entry point for questioning what a good mother should be.

“The world is perfect. As you question your mind, this becomes more and more obvious.  Mind changes, and as a result, the world changes.  A clear mind heals everything that needs to be healed.  It can never be fooled into believing that there is one speck out of order.”~ Byron Katie ~

This means not one speck is out of order when it comes to your mother. She offers up to you what needs to be healed, in your mind. Not one speck is out of order when it comes to your own mothering. Not one.

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Mothers!

A reader recently wrote me to ask if I could write something about my experience with doing The Work on Mothers.

The idea of MOTHER is so loaded with concepts that are stressful, you may have noticed!

We have such strong, broad ideas about what mothers are supposed to be when they are good mothers: kind, generous, loving, giving, gentle, caring, powerful, protective, playful, patient, resourceful, thoughtful, good communicators, evolving, aware.

Does any mother actually ever live up to the ideal image? I have had the thought that if I did The Work on only my own mother, that is all I would need to reach understanding with all relationships in this world.

Then with mothers who have a lot of the most “beautiful” qualities, there are even more concepts to question if you long for them now that you’re an adult, you want or need her, you miss her if she’s passed on.

Byron Katie has said that she did the Work on her own mother for three years. It doesn’t matter how often or what that looked like to me, somehow I love that she speaks of this time of questioning her beliefs about “mother” for a long time, on-going, continuing until it was done.

Katie says “the teacher you need is the person you’re living with”.  

The most amazing thing for me is realizing how many years I spent in first, adopting the beliefs that my mother innocently also adopted from her own life….and then blaming my mother for being herself.

And surely my life could have been better if my mother had been different!!

  • Mom should be kind and never get angry
  • Mom shouldn’t care too much about my feelings, that’s co-dependent
  • Mom does not communicate clearly
  • Mom gets into my business too often
  • Mom has too many opinions about food and health
  • Mom is too bossy
  • Mom is too apologetic

The list may seem long and endless for what you believe about your mother.

So many thoughts! How will I get through them all!??!

Just start with one. Think of the situation where you really believed the thought was true. Return to this situation over and over in your mind as you answer the four questions. See that scene in your mind, keep returning to it. It’s good to be facilitated so you stay on track.

The mind is tricky and it will love finding proof for your concept in other, different situations. Wait! But that other time, my mom was REALLY bossy, everyone would agree! If you only knew the story, this is what she did….

Stop!!! Go back to the first situation you thought of. Stay with THAT situation.

The mind loves to skip around like a flat pebble on a smooth lake. And mothers are a Big Lake full of concepts! Even if you didn’t have a mother around, there is a whole list of concepts about what’s wrong with her that she wasn’t there.

Just begin with one concept today. One simple concept that feels true and painful. You never know how questioning concepts about “mother” could bring incredible freedom into your present experience.

If your mother was a particularly difficult person and you notice you have a lot of beliefs about her and how that hurt, come along to the next relationships telecourse starting on Tuesdays. Bring your concepts about “mother”.

She is the perfect teacher for you, that mother that you have, whether still in your life or apparently never there—she’s in your mind!

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It’s My Fault

I was upset with myself recently and heard my mind say “you got yourself into this, it’s your fault”.

This can happen with big and small events, short and long conversations, big surprises, small surprises, accidents, the unexpected.

What a fantastic concept to question! “It is my fault”. Is that really true? What does that even mean?

It’s like the mind is getting fired up and it’s main focus is “let’s find out who is to blame…and by the way, this time it’s probably YOU!” And if someone is to blame, then they are BAD.

A fantastic meditation teacher and writer called Cheri Huber wrote a book called “There Is Nothing Wrong With You”. I’ve read it, like, 150 times. Seriously. It has big font and not many words on each page.

Imagine the last time you did or said something and then had the thought “that was my fault”.  Your version might be “I shouldn’t have said it that way, I could have prevented that outcome, I’m just not good at ______.” And some of us also start thinking about the other people involved, and how THEY could use some improvement as well of course. Always scanning for who did worse, who is the biggest jerk.

How does it feel in your body when you think it’s your fault? Heavy, depressing, low, thick, nauseated, jittery, aching, sleepy, crushing.

There you are, sitting in a chair, or walking along, or going about your day, and you keep thinking of that stupid thing you did or that your said. You start to think about how you could prevent it next time. You might think about ways you could “pay” for it and therefore feel better.

This is not a friendly belief. It produces tons of stress. Therefore, it is also not a true thought. Beliefs that are true feel peaceful, calm, simple, open. Notice how it also isn’t true that it’s someone else’s fault. That’s also very stressful.

I love sitting with who I would be, in these moments where I decided I was wrong and worthy of blame, without the belief that it was my fault? I don’t mean the kind of saying “it’s not MY fault!” like little kids say when they’re scared to death and they want it to be someone else’s fault.

Cheri Huber asks “Can you be lovable NOT meeting the standards? Can you stop trying to change into who you wish you were long enough to find out who you really are? You will never improve yourself enough to meet your standards.”

Wow! If I turn the painful belief around and look at this concept “there is no one to blame”!

Wait…what? But what about the pain, the difficulties of the world, the people who are hurting, the mental illness, addiction, cancer, disease, psychopaths, murderers, violence!?!

There has to be a reason for these, it has to be someone’s fault! If we don’t find out whose fault it is then terrible things will happen over and over again. I have to find out the root of the badness and pull it out!

News flash: I can’t find who is to blame. It seems easy if it’s me and I pop over to that idea a lot, but….really, who would I be without the thought that the bad stuff is someone’s fault?

Empty. Silent. Open. Vast. Expansive. Wondering. Free. More relaxed, not tight. Not against anything. Not sure. Not knowing. Mind without a job. Mind at rest.

“Beginning to wake up. Beginning to not take it personally. Beginning to see that life isn’t anyone’s fault. It just is and you jsut are, and it’s all just fine.”–Cheri Huber

Join the teleclass on Relationships starting in only 2 weeks! We’ll look at those people we tend to blame in our lives—we all do it–and question it together!

Love, Grace