Tag: Byron Katie

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He or She Should Talk

Just finished the third teleclass Our Wonderful Sexuality this morning. I love what people discover and see as possible in those uncomfortable moments around sexuality of any kind.

Today, we were looking at a couple of concepts….but I could really relate to one of them.

He should talk about sex, or having sex, or his thoughts, his feelings, what’s going on with him over there.

This thought happens in tons of situations between people, not just love and sex.

Someone will be doing something, sitting there like a lump NOT doing something, not speaking.

And we think with frustration “they should speak!”

Without that belief, however….what spectacular freedom. You notice silence, the empty space in the room, the look on the person’s face, the feelings in your own body and your own heart.

You may notice you feel like moving toward or away from that person, or you have a very important question to ask them.

You may also see, without that belief, how the turnaround is as true or truer….“I should speak!”

Oh maaaannnn.

I love looking at why I didn’t speak, when I had something to say, in my life.

I was afraid I would be rejected, afraid of being alone, afraid of admitting this wasn’t for me and I needed something different, afraid of leaving the situation, afraid of hurting someone, afraid of losing the feeling of thrill, curiosity, mystery, illusion.

It’s like I was always trying to prevent a future from happening that was unbearable. Being trapped, being rejected, feeling pain.

But who would you be without THAT thought….that whatever happens next could be threatening?

Without the belief that speaking, asking, saying what you need to say will result in something terrible?

You’d take a deep breath, and speak what is true for you, without attack or complaining or resignation or bitterness.

“To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Do you have anything to speak out about today, that you may have been keeping pushed inside for fear of the outcome?

Maybe it’s the day to say it. Only you really know.

“Spare yourself from seeking love, approval or appreciation–from anyone. And watch what happens in reality, for fun.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

 

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Mad, Sad, Scared: Can You Control Your Feelings?

saddollOne of the most intriguing studies in life is human emotional feelings.

Well, for me it’s been an incredible journey. I could tell from the time I was very young that my feelings were so powerful, they actually guided my behavior!

What a concept!

Even if I kept them to myself and didn’t express them very openly, or tell other people what I was feeling.

If I felt fear, for example….from the tiniest level worry, to sheer terror with a racing heart, sensations coursed through my body. I would naturally turn left instead of right, or withdraw, or hide, or plan my revenge, or avoid.

At the same time as realizing how powerful emotions were, my mind began to have a few things to say about “feelings”.

It wasn’t too difficult to pick up the general consensus about feelings…it was the way everyone around me believed. They all appeared to be pretty dang concerned about feelings.

My mom, my dad, my grandparents, the adults next door, the teachers. They all seemed to agree and make comments which said feeling big feelings was not cool. You should turn them off, not let them overtake you or ruin your day. You should tone them down, make them manageable, and be rational.

You need to control your upset feelings.

Rational meant you could talk, breathe, communicate easily, make logical or simple decisions, and not do anything over-the- top or weird. You certainly wouldn’t be blubbering or “losing control” or screaming, crying, throwing things, or even laughing too much or too long.

So the other day, a picture popped in my head of an old friend having a sobbing fit over something I can’t remember. I just recall we were having a heart-to-heart conversation, and he started crying in huge big convulsive waves and he couldn’t really talk anymore.

It was a long time ago. But my immediate thought in the middle of having that memory was “God, that guy was seriously F#$&*@ Up. What a Head Case.”

Oh. Hang on. Pause.

Maybe I could take a look again at sobbing and not be so quick to adopt the world view that it’s annoying? Or how about any huge expressive feeling?

Rage (someone screaming), Fear (someone shaking violently), Wanting (stalker-ish love sick behavior), Grief (wailing).

Instead of hacking these kinds of feelings to bits with judgment and being sure it’s true that expressing them intensely is messed up….how about I look a little deeper, even though I’ve looked at this many times before, and been in therapy and all kinds of modalities that talk about expressing your feelings all the time.

What’s so upsetting about FEELING?

Hmmm.

OK. Feelings show you are believing something stupid, you’re wrong, you’re not in control of yourself, you’re not seeing the full picture, you’re immature, you’re self-centered, you’re good for nothing (until you get your head back on straight), you’re mesmerized, you’re addicted, you’re not calm, you could do something dumb, and people will want to drop you like a hot potato.

Wow. That’s some very harsh judgment! Whew!

The thing is, when you stop here and attack yourself for feeling big feelings, they get wadded up in a condensed ball in the pit of your stomach somewhere.

Just like anything else you attack or dismiss.

Let’s look at it from the outside looking in, from this observation point.

If you feel terrible about your own Big Feeling, see if you can find someone else who’s cuttin’ loose with that feeling. Whether it’s love, hate, fear, sadness, insecurity, grief.

“That person is too emotional.”

Is it true?

Yes, it’s disturbing me.

Really? Are you sure?

No.

How do you react when you believe that person is too “x” (fill in the blank on the feeling you don’t like observing)?

I put up a shield between me and him. I believe he has a problem and is a problem. I get away. I quit speaking to him. I make him my enemy.

Who would I be without that belief that he is being too intense with his feeling of “x”?

I’d watch, quite fascinated. It would be like walking along a quiet river, and then turning the corner and there’s a waterfall. Big, loud, gushing.

I would stay. I would feel very connected with him. Wow, I might even give him a big hug and stay close physically, without receding or disappearing.

I had no idea this is who I would be without the thought!

No critical voice, no calling him names and saying he’s a crybaby or emotional wreck.

In fact, something inside my own body relaxes and expands and sinks down towards the earth. I absorb the waves, I’m not afraid of them. I feel them move through me. It feels good, and safe.

“Fear is your friend. Don’t try to block it, or hide it, or get drugs for it. It’s something created inside you….Welcome every fear, no matter how uncomfortable. Even a doubt. If a doubt arises, turn inward. See how you really feel in your heart, how it resonates. The heart is being. You will not make a mistake. The heart doesn’t want an answer, it just wants silence. If you want a speedy journey to awakening, feel your fear.” ~ Burt Harding

I turn the thought around: No one is too emotional, not this person I am observing, not myself, not anyone full of feelings.

When I do not “decide” or “know” that any feeling is bad, I am free to relax and allow all these movements of thought, feeling, energy in the body to be just as they are. I am not against them. I am not for them either. I am not trying to get rid of them or trying to praise them.

I am just being.

“Anything can appear within this presence including movements of fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, doubt, confusion, and any other so-called “negative emotion,” not to mention the positive thoughts and feelings.  Awareness is nothingness.  It is the space in which all things, all movements, appear and disappear.

If you truly want to be free, you will dispel the belief that awareness is supposed to feel or be experienced a certain way–either positive, negative, or neutral.  Even believing that awareness is totally neutral is a trap.  Neutrality is just another position.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Suddenly, I have an even greater glimpse of absolute freedom in the flow of all that is here.

No planning. No “working” to get myself to feel a certain way or not feel a certain way. Everything just is, I watch, there’s nothing I can do about it.

What are your concerns about feelings, big or small? What happens when you question these beliefs? What did you learn about an emotion (or more than one) that made you decide you must destroy it and never feel it?

I would love to hear. Click below on the link to leave a comment if you like.

“When you realize that every stressful moment you experience is a gift that points you to your own freedom, life becomes very kind.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

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Are You Afraid They Done You Wrong?

NightStormThinking

Have you ever awakened after sleeping, whether it’s morning or the middle of the night, with a feeling of dread or negative anticipation?

Probably.

Everyone has had a nightmare, or felt impending doom, or been nervous about an idea that crossed their mind….and everyone’s been surprised by someone else’s behavior.

But if you feel the looming dread, it’s pretty uncomfortable. Or downright debilitating. You might have images of that mean person who hurt you floating through your psyche. Maybe even from a very long time ago….so long, you hardly remember.

Even though the present moment is fine, you’re in a room sitting or lying there and nothing threatening is actually happening (usually the case when you wake up from a bad dream) you’ve got a feeling you can’t shake.

Fear.

The thing is, that fear or sense of being haunted feels like something visiting you. It affects you. Even if all that’s going on is you’re lying in your bed…..with thoughts.

So….what to do?

What I’m about to say won’t be that surprising.

Even though I know how to do The Work and question my thoughts….I don’t always sit down, take out my pen and paper, and start to investigate.

Instead, there’s a kind of built-in impulse.

It’s called Fight or Flight.

We perceive there is a dilemma, a threat. Something hurt us, or is about to hurt us. It hurt once, it could hurt again.

So we say “I’m gonna KILL that evil person who stabbed me in the back!!!” or we say “I will never, EVER put myself in that position again!!”

Attack or Run.

And there’s nothing wrong with you if that’s where your mind goes. It’s a very natural, innocent reaction to the fear.

So how can you get out of that reactive mode when you’re really overwhelmed, and you might not exactly WANT to do The Work in that frightened moment? Here’s a suggestion that’s worked really, really well for me, that might be helpful for you, too.

Grow the fear even bigger. 

Yes, you read that right.

Clearly define your nightmare, your most terrible fear, the WORST that could happen. What is most terrifying thing you’re nervous about, in that vision, in that feeling of dread?

This can be tricky….so here’s an example from my life. A situation where fear appeared in my mind and body in the night, after I got triggered during the day.

Several years ago, I open a letter I get from the state government where I live. I am a credentialed Certified Counselor and I get mail from the Department of Health from time to time. No big deal. I’m curious. Maybe it’s about my annual fee that’s almost due.

I start to read the letter.

My heart suddenly skips a beat and my stomach flips.

The letter says that someone has made an anonymous complaint about me indicating I haven’t REALLY graduated and don’t have a master’s degree. There are a few more bullet points, a couple of them sound really bonkers and weird, like a slightly crazy person wrote them.

Huh? What the ?

I know the statements in the letter aren’t true, not a single one. So that’s not the worrisome part.

My mind goes to who on earth would do such a thing? I can’t get off combing my mind for WHO.

Why? Who? Why? Who? What have I missed? Who did this? Why would someone want to do this? Or even think this?

That first night, I can’t sleep in the middle of the night after waking. I’m thinking about this situation.

I know I have to turn and face this fear, and understand it, instead of ruminating and perseverating over who or why this has happened….because none of that is going to help me. I learned that the hard way.

I start to write.

What is the WORST that could happen?

I see made-up visions.

Police cars screech in to my driveway, men with uniforms handcuff me and push my head down as I get crammed into a police car. I am rushed to jail somewhere and there’s a newspaper story about how terrible I am….even though they got the wrong person.

I can no longer work, I am shunned, I can’t earn money, people walk away from me like I smell. I’m all alone, destitute and abandoned. No place to live, I can’t support my kids. I have to get a job doing something I don’t even like, working 9-5.

What else?

There’s a person with some kind of demented personality disorder, or a paranoid sort, someone really freaky who is also obsessed with me or angry with me for some unknown reason, who is going to jump out of the bushes, or take me down in some sneaky very creepy way…..starting with this lie.

I picture the worst with painstaking detail, I let my mind have it’s total conniption fit.

My reputation destroyed, I owe money, my current career over, and a really messed up sick person out there trying to hurt me.

Now I can feel the pain in my heart in a huge way. I see what I imagine is the most awful thing.

I am all alone, hated, rejected.

I can investigate this terrible state of aloneness, hate, banishment, rejection….and really examine the truth of it.

Being alone and betrayed is hell. And it’s someone’s fault. Not mine.

Is it true?

Yes. I can’t survive it. I’m too sad, too hurt. I am a victim of someone’s sick behavior. It’s wrong. It’s hell.

Really?

Can you absolutely know that you can’t survive? Are you sure you’re in hell? Are you positive you’re alone, and betrayed, condemned, unsafe, lost, banished?

Are you completely positive you are a victim? That this is someone else’s fault?

Wow. No.

I’m not sure of anything here. All that happened is I opened a letter. I don’t have to know why, or who. I can stand here, noticing my reality is that I am in the world where tough things happen, people get upset and do harmful things, I am still alive and breathing.

Funny how quick to jump to the I’ve-Been-Done-Wrong story.

“Why do we need to constantly define our experience? Can we not just experience each moment, as it is. Without a story?….The mind is evolved to impose, manufacture, to dream order into existence. It’s an order-creating machine, and explanation machine. Why this, why that? It tries to create order out of infinity. But when it runs amuck, it tries to create order out of EVERYTHING. It becomes a cancer. Why is there suffering, why does God let this happen, why did you look at me that way? Why is this moment the way it is? You don’t know why. Simple.” ~ Adyashanti 

Who would I be without the belief that someone can hurt me? That I have been betrayed, falsely accused? That I’m in danger? That this MEANS I’m alone?

Without the belief that I’m a victim?

Holy Smokes.

What if I’m safe? What if I could notice that reality is kind, not dangerous? What if this is an invitation…to relax into this experience without defending, without attacking, without needing to explain. A moment to feel the joy of seeing it differently.

What if….

….this is my opportunity for spiritual growth, for true forgiveness? To let go, to open my hands and stay right here, without making a punching fist. To notice that nothing is actually wrong.

What if this is my chance to not think of myself as attacked, as a victim?

“When you approach the barrier areas of your thoughts and emotions, it feels like going into an abyss. You don’t want to go near that place. But you can go there, and if you want to get out, you will go there. Eventually you will realize that darkness is not what’s really there.” ~ Michael Singer

Turning the original terrified statement around: Being alone and betrayed is not hell, it is heaven. It is uplifting. It is an invitation, an initiation. I am not alone, I am not betrayed. I am totally and completely connected. I am supported and loved. Whoever did this could be suffering and feels alone, or betrayed, confused, doing the best they can.

I turn it all around to myself, only.

I have had an inner voice that’s been really quite brutal. It criticizes, judges, pushes. Listening to that mean voice, I have betrayed myself, I have shoved myself into the dark. I have banished me, hated and criticized me, attacked myself. I have lied about myself and said crazy whacked things about me that were not true. I have thought I might not be able to really help anyone, I have thought I’m not good enough, I’ve felt less than, small, powerless. I’ve cut myself down.

“Perception is but a mirror, not a fact. What I look on is my state of mind reflected outward.” ~ A Course In Miracles

If I am not a victim, I cannot be harmed. I cannot be banished. Or permanently hurt, or damaged forever, or crushed, or destroyed.

I notice that right now, in that fearful state then and as I write this, looking back and remembering that night when I was scared….

….the sun has come up, gone down, life went on, and the silence in the center of my heart and soul has never been broken.

Sleep happened.

Exciting to notice.

No matter what strange things have befallen you, no matter what pain and terror you have experienced, or what confusion other people have created in your life….can you feel what’s here that is empty and joyful all at once?

Even if it seems like you can’t feel it….just wait.

“If you want peace, you don’t talk to your friends. Talk to your enemies.” ~ Desmond Tutu

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you’d like to see a copy of my master’s degree and all accompanying official documents…they are on my website now for all the world to see (smile).

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When You’re Nervous About An Upcoming Event


There will be room in August Summer Camp if you’re looking to dial-in and connect to your own answers, by listening to and answering powerful questions known as The Work of Byron Katie.

You get to look at a stressful situation in your life, write out your stressful thoughts about it, and then examine your beliefs and thought-patterns more closely.

The group support is immensely helpful for many.

You aren’t alone!

Click here, register (it’s only $97 for the whole month, you can call in to any of the appointed 90-minute telesession times) and I will send you all the information you need via email to dial-in and join our August camp.

Telesession times: 8/4, 8/5, 8/14, 8/18, 8/19, 8/28. I bet I’ll add at least one session for all those who join 🙂

*****

The other day, I was reminded of how funny our beliefs are when it comes to anticipating people, or events, that are about to happen.

You get invited to something….a party, a meeting, a group, a class, a teleconference, a meal, a date, a meetup, a support group, a dance, a workshop.

You have to find the address, notice what time you need to leave your home, and get yourself to the location.

Even if it sounded pretty good when you were first invited, on the way there you may be having a few thoughts.

  • I probably won’t like the people. They’ll be too serious, stuffy, uptight, young, corporate, touchy-feely, left wing, right wing, religious, liberal, conservative, shy, uneducated, pompous, old, radical, rich, feeble, blabber-mouthed, needy, poor, woowoo, aggressive, boring, messed up
  • I won’t fit in
  • this could be a waste of time
  • I’d rather be _________
  • I’ll get lost in the crowd
  • there will be too few people (so they’ll make me talk)
  • why did I say yes?
If you believe your thoughts, and think your visions are truly risky….

 

….like the one where a bunch of weirdos are trying to get you to join their cult….

 

….you might turn around and go back home.

 

It’s great if you catch yourself having this fantasizing fit.

 

Because you KNOW it isn’t even true. There is no way you can know what will happen at that upcoming thing you’re going to.

 

You can speculate, you can try to guess, you can analyze it from every angle, but you will not know.
 
You’re asking your own mind to do this impossible. Predict the future. Keep you safe. Prevent bad things from happening.

 

Except.

 

About that idea of “bad” things happening.

 

If you do The Work, and ask yourself the four questions about any of these worries, you may be pleasantly surprised about how anticipation of future events or possibility can change.

 

So let’s go!

 

Make yourself comfortable.
Imagine that future event you’ve got scheduled, and you feel a little fuzzy, off, anxious, buzzy, or annoyed about it.

 

It has to go the way you really want, in order for you to be totally happy. It’s possible for it to go badly.

 

Is that true?
Yes. I’ve been to stupid things before. So annoying! Or creepy!
Like that time the moonies invited me to dinner when I was 18. I didn’t know they were the moonies. That weird meatless broth. So many people living in one house.
But can you absolutely know it’s true that something has to go your way? Are you sure you can’t be happy if it doesn’t? Are you positive it COULD go badly?
Are you sure you wouldn’t be safe? Or get yourself to solid ground? Or take care of yourself as best you could?
Well. People get kidnapped. Or trapped by lousy conversation. Or stalked. Or tricked. Or conned. Right?
You may have heard terrible, horrifying stories. But what about your own actual experience…..
…..have you always made it out alive, so far?
Who would you be without the belief that it could go wrong, whatever you’ve go on your calendar for next week, for the future?
Woah. That’s a big, huge, wild, open question.
But such an exciting one.
It doesn’t mean you walk across a freeway without looking both ways, it doesn’t mean you don’t take in all the information you receive carefully and responsibly.
You take note of what comes to you and feel if it’s a yes or no, or an “I don’t know”, without fear.
Turning the thoughts around: it is not possible for it to go badly, it does NOT have to go the way I want in order for me to be happy.
 
Could I be happy, without any expectations of the way it’s going?
I can connect to my awareness, with kind, sweet attention. I can take care of myself with the greatest affection and love.
This means I might get up and leave, if I do.
And oh what an adventure all the coming and going is!
Even if you have experienced what felt to be a terrible mistake, a trap, a difficulty, a rotten party, a lousy class, a boring meeting…..could whatever comes along be a new learning, a fascinating journey?
Could it be you are ultimately safe?
At least, I notice I’ve made it so far in this physical body.
“In the future, you could suffer….is that true? You get to see it all, those images, and then you get to live it out. Fear is driving you. But who would you be without that thought? This moment is all there is. I can promise you, it’s all there ever will be. This moment. Are you OK? You’re standing in your future. Remember when you were worried that you would suffer in the future? Well, here it is! How are you doing?! THIS is the only moment there is. Everything else is imagination.” ~ Byron Katie
 
Could it be that all those thoughts about other people and what they’ll do are not real? All imagination?

 

Oh. Now that’s not very scary.
  • I will like the people. They’ll be fabulous.
  • I will fit right in
  • this could be a fantastic use of time
  • there’s nothing I’d rather be doing
  • I’ll get found in the crowd
  • there will be just the right number of people (I’ll get to talk)
  • I’m so happy I said yes
“Once you realize that all comes from within, that the world in which you live has not been projected onto you but by you, your fear comes to an end…….Pain and pleasure, good and bad, right and wrong: these are relative terms and must not be taken absolutely. They are limited and temporary.” ~ Nisargadatta

Much love, Grace

P.S. Almost early registration time for Year of Inquiry. To read about it, click HERE. To sample what the telesessions are like, consider joining August Summer Camp! Would love to meet you.

 

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I Am Willing, I Look Forward To That Dreadful Thing

When I was in my small group spiritual sangha in California not long ago, we were all laughing around the dinner table one night.

One of my wonderful friends in our group told us about Grumpy Cat.

Who at this table has heard of Grumpy Cat?

No one.

He got his phone and looked up Grumpy Cat photos. We were all laughing uproariously at photos of Grumpy Cat with little slogans written across them.

Grumpy Cat doesn’t mince words. He’s not getting fooled. Grumpy Cat is street wise, no-nonsense, straight up. He’ll say whatever he damn well pleases, he does not think he needs to be polite to keep you happy.

For some reason….I just about fell over, unable to stop laughing, at one particular message from Grumpy Cat:

Whatever doesn’t kill you….

….will hopefully try again.

Everyone else was pretty much done laughing, but I would think of it and start cracking up again.

Something about it summarizes the Turnaround to Number Six, as it’s called in those of us who do The Work.

Number Six refers to the place in your mind, and on your worksheet, where you write down what you firmly believe you never, ever want to experience again in this lifetime. A circumstance, a situation that was devastating perhaps. Something crushing. Something frightening.

And then you turn that around, and try it on, even if you gasp at how weird or strange it feels.

This is what it looks like (its different from the other regular turnarounds in The Work).

For example: I don’t ever want to get cancer again, ever ever ever.

The first turnaround to this concept is ‘I am willing to get cancer again’.

What if that was OK with you? I notice cancer doesn’t exactly ask our permission. Could there be anything at all interesting about being willing to get cancer again?

I know for me, it’s a huge relief. It’s almost funny. The war against cancer is basically completely over, in that sentence. And it feels good. Not so frightening.

It’s not about resignation or pretending, but I can put away the positive affirmations list, or the efforts to make sure it never comes back. Those can get pretty crazy stressful.

Then, the final step, the second turnaround to this kind of concept: ‘I look forward to getting cancer again’. 

OMG! How could that be true? NEVER!

Just think about it though. What if you had the attitude of welcoming in everything, including this thing called cancer. What if you started watching for examples of what it brought you, that you could use more of?

Mine brought me love, tenderness from other people, incredible kindness, not worrying about piddly minor details of life, very alive in the present, a love for my mom, sisters, kids, former husband, friends, the air, the sky, my living room, my blue silky pajamas.

I realized how much I loved this world (after spending a lot of time hating it, quite honestly) and wanted to keep going in that direction.

That’s why that saying by Grumpy Cat is so freakin’ funny: what doesn’t kill you will hopefully try again.

OK then. That’s a life to laugh in, not a terrified one. Bring it on…what do I know? Not much.

Thanks, Grumpy Cat.

When I returned home, I asked my 17 year old daughter (one of my primary spiritual teachers) if she had heard of Grumpy Cat?

She looked at me like I came from another planet.

“That’s so 2007, mom. Gawd how stupid.” 

I am willing to be seen as a complete moron by my teenager. I look forward to being seen as a complete moron by my teenager.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Resistance Doesn’t Change That It Happened

When someone I love suffers, whether a client, someone in my family, a dear friend…I sometimes feel great grief.

I am with a loving human being, who is doing their best….and they have just found out their son has cancer, their husband has been racking up secret addiction debt, their aunt has sold the family heirloom behind everyone’s back, their best friend has been making up stories about them due to jealous madness.

The loss is gut-wrenching.

The person sobs, or feels frantic, stunned, ruined.

One of the most powerful things about The Work is the way you can stop and look at the nature of reality, the way you are seeing it in every moment.

The Work is not some kind of mind-game, although it may feel heavy with thought, with energy in the brain, in the head, with ideas and images and voices talking to us….while the body is reacting in fear, terror, sadness, desperation.

The Work is four questions. Good questions.

Not magical, twisty, special, secret questions….simply four powerful questions worthy of asking yourself if your mind is spinning, and you notice your thoughts and your body are reacting….even in the most dire situations.

So if you have a terrible situation occurring in your life, or something that occurred in the past that is truly frightening…

….stop for a moment. Breathe deeply.

It is 100% horrible. You are not safe. You can’t bear it. You won’t make it through this emotionally. There is nothing good that could come of this.

Is it true?

I once sat with a woman who was in a car crash. She was the driver.

Her family had gone to Disneyland for a long-awaited vacation. She and her husband had planned for months. Her two daughters each were allowed to bring a good friend. They traded off driving from the midwest all the way to Los Angeles and had a spectacular time.

On the way back, a malfunction in their SUV. In the middle of wide open plains, no other traffic in site, the entire vehicle flipped off the highway.

Her husband was killed, one daughter, and the other daughter’s best friend. Everyone on one side of the van, instantly killed.

What I learned from that courageous woman, as she answered the four questions, was that even this was handle-able.

“If something happens that we don’t like, we resist it. But since what we’re resisting has already taken place, what good is it to resist? If your best friend moves away, it’s understandable that you don’t like it. But your inner resistance to that event for years to come does not change the fact that they did, indeed, move away. It does not do anything to the reality of the situation….It is not life’s events that are causing problems or stress. It is your resistance to life’s events that is causing this experience….Stop resisting.” ~ Michael Singer

One way I know to stop resisting, besides lying on the floor, is to investigate the beliefs that appear, screaming in your head, when something apparently awful happens.

Can you absolutely know it is true that this is 100% horrible? You are not safe? You can’t bear it? You won’t make it through this emotionally? There is nothing good that could come of this?

No.

Nothing has been 100% horrible, I have always been safe, I have been able to bear everything, I’ve found happiness again even after much destruction, and there is great goodness that has come out of it.

Who would you be without these thoughts? What would it feel like? Without labeling the sensations you feel? Without being so sure you know this is wrong? Without listening to all the chatter in your head, all the words?

Without the idea that you are not safe?

“The apparent craziness of the world, like everything else, is a gift that we can use to set our minds free. Any stressful thought that you have about the planet, for example, shows you where you are stuck, where your energy is being exhausted in not fully meeting life as it is, without conditions.” ~ Byron Katie

You can turn the thoughts in your mind around and find examples of how these opposite thoughts are true.

It’s a practice that cracks open the universe…allowing you to see how worthy, loved, innocent, and powerful you are.

And how you’ve made it, so far, through everything.

Much love, Grace

 

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Calm Amidst The Stormy Thoughts

Oh so wonderful to be with Summer Campers for The Mind yesterday morning. Everyone called in from all around the world and we took a thought to inquiry that’s very common…at least it sure has been for me.

That person, place, thing, idea, feeling, or thought….SHOULD CALM DOWN. 

People on the call had the most interesting things they were choosing to look at, the things they believed should calm down.

My six-year old screaming kid, my mother when she’s locked her keys in her car, my Task Master Self that needs a clean house, my Thinking Mind, my ego, my neighbors, the rain storm, my dog, my co-worker, my boss, my suffering.

These things really should be calmer. I would be calmer if they were calmer. It’s embarrassing, depressing, discouraging, aggravating.

I don’t know what to do.

How do you feel physically when you believe something or someone should calm down…and they are really wild and riled up or busy?

It’s agonizing. My whole body is tense, clutching, terrified, or worn out. I feel like a victim of this un-calm thing I’m looking at.

Who would you be without the belief that calmness out there is required for your happiness, for your internal calm?

Woah. You mean that thing, including my mind, doesn’t have to calm down in order for me to be happy?

Yes.

It should not calm down (until it does, if it does, when it does). I should calm down. I should sink down below the flurry, the kicked up sludge on the bottom of the clear lake. I should sink into the sweet earth and find how rooted I am there.

Things are wild, then calm, then wild, then calm.

Who would you be without the belief that they really need to stay one way or the other for you to be happy?

Trusting. Giving up. Not Knowing.

“There’s never been a leaf anywhere that knows why the wind blows that way on that day at that moment. That breeze changes the orientation of your life, moment to moment to moment, simply because that’s the way life’s moving. And when you’re living in your awakened self you have no argument with the way it’s moving because it is the same as you are.” ~ Adyashanti 

So the thing isn’t calm at the moment. Can I sit and have no argument with that?

Yes. Ahhhh.

Love, Grace

 
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You Have To Do Stuff To Succeed–Is That True?

I was sitting on the squishy white sofa, avocado green pillow at my back, my friend Gail next to me on my right. The overhead fan slowly spun above, and the room soft and cool. Gathered ’round are 8 other friends in comfy chairs. The room is quiet, but buzzing with silent energy.

Then something happened inside my mind and heart, and it was very, very good.

So good I was moved to tears. They streamed down my cheeks for the sheer gratitude and surprise and recognition.

I’ll try to explain what it was.

I’m on retreat with a small group of friends, as you know, exploring reality…..my favorite.

Of course, every single day is an exploration of reality. You’re doing it today, yourself.

But there I was, in meditation, and thinking about consciousness. We were contemplating familiar questions many spiritual teachers ask “Who is looking? Who is listening? What is it that is aware right now?”

I was talking with Ross, the teacher I’ve been with on retreat, and inquiring into these questions. I didn’t really get it…even though I could feel something potent.

Ross asked me “Where do your words come from right now, as you’re talking? Right NOW?”

And suddenly I could see how immediate were these words that spilled out of my mouth, the words that formed a question I had just asked, or a sentence I had just spoken.

The sound of these words was born, just a split second ago. The feeling behind these words was flowing forth. I didn’t invent them, they simply were created.

I could feel where these words just came from, so very close. Like this sensation of nothing becoming something. A fabulous empty vast energy.

Where do your words come from, when you are talking?

Is everything like this? It is simply born, without me doing anything, really?

You have to “do” things….to live well, to succeed, to achieve, to get something, to wake up, to make peace, to have good relationships, to make money. All of these states require YOU to DO something to get them.

Is that true?

Yes. At least that’s what I’ve always thought. Of course I have to do things! Are you NUTS?! I would otherwise sit around all day snacking and staring into space.

But are you sure you have to do stuff? Are you sure you must manage, direct, and do?

No. I’m not sure anymore. No. This is suddenly today, much less true than ever before today.

How do you react when you believe you have to do things in life?

I know it’s a weird question, a weird concept. So much of what we hear is how we HAVE to, we MUST, we SHOULD (fill in the blank).

But who would you be without that thought? Who would you be without the belief that you have to do anything?

As Adyashanti once said when I was on retreat with him, just try to sit on the couch for once, without making yourself get up….see if you can get up when you get up, no forcing.

HUH?

But wait.

Without getting all deep and mixed up and crazy about it, I see who I would be without the thought that I need to do anything in order to be happy.

It’s astonishing.

Very exciting. Unexpected.

Not resigned, slow, waiting, stubborn, or giving up. Not that kind of non-doing. This is a thrill of watching whatever is created in any moment. Paying attention. Noticing that stuff happens constantly, and you can do what you do and relax.

“You know, all that’s required of me is that I be good enough just to sit in this chair now. It’s doesn’t matter what my mind says. That’s all that’s required of me….Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thoughts around: You have to Un-Do things, or donothing….to live well, to succeed, to achieve, to get something, to wake up, to make peace, to have good relationships, to make money.

None of these states require YOU to DO anything to get them.

Just be yourself instead.

A gorgeous being of love, light, peace, wonder.

And if you’re not sure that’s true….question your stressful beliefs.

“Practice not doing, and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #3

That’s what made me cry today.

Love, Grace

 

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Can You Feel Love In This Moment?

Yesterday I got to spend time in my all-time favorite wonder of all wonders…..what is All This? Who am I? Where am I? Is it true?

Who would I be, what would I be, without thought, beyond thought?

Wow.

Either these are the most fun questions on the planet, or the most fun answers.

I am gathered in a small group of people who I adore. Even if I’m not sure of everyone’s family details or I don’t know major events in their lives.

It doesn’t matter.

There is a deep sense of everyone showing up with great love, being 100% in, committed to each other, listening to our hearts, accepting our minds, feeling our bodies, cherishing the words of the teacher we’re with (Ross Oldenstadt).

But the teacher is ultimately….the feeling of being alive.

Hearing the stories of awakening, searching and suffering from Ross and from the other people gathered is so intimate, like the sweetest thing I could ever taste in the world.

That moment.

And now….in my hotel room….

….Is this moment just as intimate, loving, spectacular, joyful?

Woah.

Yes.

If you aren’t sure you’re having a good moment today, maybe even right now as you read these words……double-check to see if it’s true that it’s not a good moment, or could be improved.

Are you sure?

Can you be absolutely positively sure?

How do you react when you believe THIS is not great. When you think it could be a little better. You could be more enlightened, other people could be nicer, the weather could be sunnier, you could be more successful, you could be healthier, you could be richer?

How do you react, what do you notice, when you think this isn’t that great, or that something is missing?

Dang.

Dissatisfied. Resentful. Gathering energy to renew forces on the Moment Improvement Project.

But what if right now was the most brilliant, stunning, loving, safe moment you could ever want or need?

Take a deep, deep breath and see if you can find the presence of loving kindness, tenderness, safety, joy, excitement, richness, abundance, and health….right now.

Not later, NOW.

In this room where I sit I hear a soft hum, very steady like a fan. The desk under my forearms as I type is cool and smooth. I smell the soap and feel clean after a shower. There are papers, a can of sardines, two apples, a hard drive, books, pens, a paper clip, someone’s business card.

Stuff is everywhere. The world is overflowing in this room, there is so much in here!

A screen brightly glowing that sends and receives messages to people and from people all over the world.

If you’re not sure this moment is amazing…don’t worry. 

You don’t have to think anything. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re a little disappointed with the moment. Or enraged.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

As long as I think the cause of my problem is that there is something missing, in this moment (including inside me) I’m suffering in paradise.

I notice the very same thing I feel with all my friends here, and Ross, during retreat, I also feel right now, typing on my laptop, brushing my teeth.

“A prince who believes himself to be a beggar can be convinced conclusively in one way only: he must behave as a prince and see what happens….With experience will come confidence…” ~ Nisargadatta

What an awesome, fascinating, peaceful moment this is right now.

Maybe yours is too?

Check to see.

Love, Grace

 

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A Mother’s Grip On Reality

My kids are driving me bonkers!  

A mom in Summer Camp Telecalls recently reminded me of my own early mom days. She wanted them to quiet down, so she could do The Work.

Kind of hilarious, the energy that wells up….“Be Quiet! I’m trying to question my thinking over here! JEEZ!”

When I had two very young ones, I was beyond thrilled to have these two amazing kids in my life. In fact, I was pretty blown away by the miraculous and bizarre way we all arrive here on planet earth.

But their presence in my world was also like a match that lit up whole entire inner buildings full of belief-systems about parenting, what “good” moms do, what “good” kids do, what “good” dads do, how kids should turn out.

I need to make sure these two kids feel safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.

Right?

That means I should never be driven bonkers by them. I should be patient, kind, gentle and wise at all times.

24/7

In case you haven’t noticed…..it’s impossible.

But if you do The Work and question your thinking, you may be way more “sane” than you could ever dream of when it comes to your kids.

So let’s go.

Is it true that you should be a perfect mom, that it’s your job to support their confidence, success, and happiness in life?

If they aren’t happy….or if they bug you….do you really think it means that there’s something wrong with your parenting?

Well, no. I know there aren’t any perfect moms.

How do you react when you think you need to be the one who inspires and creates success and happiness in your kids’ lives….and they sometimes look pretty upset?

I feel anxious, sad, worried. Wondering how their future will turn out. Playing out future possibilities.

Not staying right here in the present.

But who would you be without the thought? Without the belief that you need to help them, support them, make sure they know they are valuable, happy, safe, comfortable?

Whew. Now that is a relief.

Lots of moms and dads will think that if they let go of the belief that they are responsible for their kids, they won’t even care.

They’ll be neglectful, and wrong.

But can you know that this is even true?

“How do you react when you believe the thought that you need to protect your children, and in reality they’re perfectly fine without your protection?….You got through your difficulties, so what leads you to believe that they aren’t at least as capable and courageous as you are? What leads you to believe that they have fewer survival skills than you do?” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around: I’m driving myself bonkers! I need to make sure I myself feel safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.

Because I am, and so are you.

Every human is worthy, safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.

We can feel this for ourselves. We don’t need a mother or father to tell us…..not really.

“A mother’s grip on reality is a wonderful thing.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace