Tag: Byron Katie

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Help! I Have Too Much To Do!

I have too much to do!

Have you ever had this thought, and felt extreme stress about it?

Like this urgent, inward implosion, fist-clenching.

For me…this thought popped up this morning as I noticed 76 emails in my Inbox (after being away for the weekend and only checking a few times) PLUS the ongoing urge to make my website more classy PLUS the major project underway to roll out the newest version of Eating Peace after receiving vital and fantastic feedback from people who took the 8 week class 8 months ago.

(How long does it have to take? What is the hold up here?! Jeezus!)

And there’s the book-writing project, organizing the Year of Inquiry retreat in only 12 days, signing up for yoga, figuring out what bookshelves to purchase for my cottage, getting my kid’s retainer replaced, and trying to make dates with friends even if its talking with them on the phone!

Sometimes, the list seems sooooo overwhelming!

Not enough time! I should be getting things done!

Yowser!

It’s true! It’s true! It’s true! It’s true!

Take a deep breath.

How do I react when I believe I have tons to do, not enough time, and I should be more productive?

Either an inner revving, like putting the gas pedal down all the way to the floor while the gears are in “park” (it’s very loud, and you go nowhere)….

….OR I start in on the list with a sense of emergency, like I have to keep my nose to the grindstone and get as much as possible done and hope for the best….

….OR I decide I need a break, dammit, and I crash. Maybe go to a movie or watch Breaking Bad on Netflix (which I can hardly let myself do, to be honest, even though I LOVE that the main character has terminal cancer and limited time to make $750,000K).

There has to be a balance somewhere.

But, where?

Oh. I almost forgot. That’s right.

It’s in imagining who I would be without the belief that I have to get stuff done ASAP, there’s not much time, I have a huge to-do list, I need to get that goal achieved come hell or high water.

If I were simply here, in this moment now, writing.

Yes, I would still know all that cool stuff I have that I want to do.

That excellent new class for me designing my own website, making handouts for the retreat and putting the exercises I have planned in the perfect order, arranging for renting a bike when I’m in Scottsdale next month.

I might also calmly make a list of all I’d like to accomplish, and map out the time I’m devoting to these things, so I can actually see what I’m doing throughout the day.

Suddenly, I remember the resistance I had thirty years ago to keeping an eating journal.

I’ve told you about that before. Oh the pain.

Every week I’d go into my therapist’s office and she’d say “Did you buy a journal to write down your thoughts about food in yet…the binge journal?”

At first, I hadn’t even remembered it all week. Not one single time. She’d have to mention it every week for awhile.

You couldn’t miss the point that there was something inside me against looking at what was going on.

Finally I went to a stationary store.

I found a gorgeous, leather bound, red journal with a blank cover. Smaller than a full-sized piece of paper, thin enough to slip into my backpack or purse.

I left it sitting by my bedside for a few more weeks, empty.

And then one day, I stuffed my face with food in a frenzy during an afternoon when I was supposed to be writing a paper for a college class. None of my housemates were home. I had been eating tiny amounts of their food, stealing a little enough so they hopefully wouldn’t notice. I had then gone to the store to succumb to buying a whole half gallon of ice cream, a loaf of bread and a box of butter, plus anything else I could find that sounded good.

After it was all over and I was incredibly sick to my stomach and almost crying with remorse, I saw that red journal sitting on my bedside.

I opened it and started writing.

What was I afraid of, before binge eating? What was REALLY bothering me? Where was my anxiety born? Was this all really my fault? Did the eating help?

Who would I be without those thoughts that I’m a failure if I don’t achieve this, if I don’t do “well”, if I don’t succeed, if the final bell goes off before I get the ball in the basket?

Without the belief that I have to go fast, or lose? Without the belief that I have to push myself as hard and as fast and as intensely as humanly possible, or else?

I’d notice, without those beliefs, the green leaves waving back and forth in the distance outside the french doors of my cottage. I’d hear the silent hum of the fridge over in the kitchen. I’d see the pretty blue clock telling time, without any judgment about the rightness or wrongness of what time it actually appears to be in this moment.

I’d feel a surge of joy.

Back in college and in therapy, so long ago, I might have noticed in that moment, writing a paper, the kitchen I sat in at that time, the sky outside the window, the air I was breathing in the room, the mind working, expressing.

I might have closed my eyes for a moment, gone outside for a walk, called a friend, read a poem, taken a bath.

“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone.” ~ Lin Yutang

“Live out of your imagination, not your history.”~ Stephen Covey

Turning the thoughts around:

I should not be getting anything done. I should be getting absolutely nothing done. Nothing is ever really done. There may not even be an “I” who is determined to “get” it done.

I feel excited, thrilled even.

Imagining all the people, no matter what the number, who I can help by finishing the Eating Peace course. The joy at having bookshelves in my bedroom instead of stacking piles of books on the floor. The fun of completing that book proposal.

“You can’t outsmart reality. Where you are right now might be the safest place in the world. We just don’t know.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

P.S. Relationship Teleclass filling, and Seattle in-person 4 hour mini retreat on 10/4. Come join me for glorious inquiry!

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Solve Your Problem: Do Nothing

There is an old Taoist philosophy that there is great wisdom in doing nothing.

But.

How will I get enough money? How will I go to the store? How will I plan my vacation? What about the people who are suffering and have no food? What about taking care of my kids? What about all the problems in the world? Do you think my boss would like it if I came in to work one day and suggested there is great wisdom in doing nothing?!

What are you talking about?

Doing Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE!!!

Well, before you scare yourself half to death with the very idea of doing nothing…perhaps explore it a bit further?

Many people, when they hear about doing nothing, think of loss.

Lying down on the carpet and letting people walk all over you. Getting bamboozled. Resignation.

Pictures of staying in bed all day, walking out of their jobs and then having no money to pay rent, not mending a relationship…

…things getting run down, like a house where you do nothing, no repairs, no upkeep, no cleaning, no maintenance.

Giving up.

But what if throwing your hands in the air in frustration and anger, or sitting on the couch, or not answering a letter or phone call where someone has reached out to you, or forcing yourself to stay on a diet, or quitting your job…..

…..is actually Doing Something?

Because it kind of is, you may notice.

So what is doing nothing….really?

I’ve found magnificent wisdom in it, a wisdom beyond what I ever could have actually planned out, if I had automatically done something, as usual.

Here’s what I mean.

Something happens. Your husband is leaving you. You lost your job. A friend betrays you. People break into your house and steal everything. You get cancer. Someone close to you dies.

Almost immediately you have adrenaline course through your veins, then panic, shock. You want to run, or freak out. It feels horrible.

The normal regular everyday usual conditioned thing is of course to DO something!

Run for your life. Crush that person. Get revenge. Complain. Rage. Buy stuff. Sign up for more courses. Claw for solid ground.

You are in absolute wild chaotic reaction. Terrified.

Then maybe when you calm down just a little, you decide to get even. You feel like a victim, like it’s not fair.

What if you did nothing?

What if you couldn’t believe 100% that this is terrible, you are in danger, or that there is no possible way you could accept this situation, ever?

It doesn’t mean you aren’t afraid, when you are. Or murderously angry, when you are.

You just don’t have the absolute conviction that you must do something. A part of you waits. It feels what is happening now.

“Where are your hands right now? Who put them there? Did you do that? And then, no matter what your thinking is, you–it–moved again. Maybe it moved your foot. Maybe it swallowed, or it blinked your eyes. Just notice. That’s how you enter not-doing, where everything falls sweetly into place. The miraculous life of not-doing has an intelligence of its own.” ~ Byron Katie

What I notice is…I do not have to believe my thoughts. I do not have to believe in terrible futures and dreadful pasts. Right now, here, is unfolding without me controlling any part of it, really.

Not anything.

And oh surprise. When I let go and open up my hands, stop demanding that I do something or that someone else do something or that God or the Universe do something….I see things happen all by themselves.

That’s actually the way of it, the way it goes. Things never freeze or stop in one place. You do not have to worry. You do not “have” to do anything.

If you aren’t too sure about this yet, just sit down or go on a gentle walk and be still. Don’t listen to everything your mind has to say. Notice what’s there besides your thoughts.

Relax, relax.

“From within or from behind, a light shines through us upon things and makes us aware that we are nothing, but the light is all.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Much Love,  Grace

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Forgiving Yourself

forgiveWWGHave you ever realized you hurt someone’s feelings…after you hurt them…and felt horrible?

Even if it was completely unintentional.

Maybe some kind of miscommunication. Maybe you interrupted someone when they were talking and you didn’t know they were about to tell a true confession. Maybe you didn’t attend a party and the host was mad. Maybe you didn’t call someone back and they were “waiting” for your call.

So that person reacts, then slaps you verbally or acts pissy or ignores you or makes sure you know you were outta line or did something they disapproved of.

Or maybe something extremely painful happened. You ran over a beloved pet, or a person, in your car. Something you did resulted in someone else’s pain.

I’m such a bad person.

It’s a sneaky little self-flagellating thought that doesn’t actually bring much freedom, love or kindness to you, or to other people either.

Let’s inquire.

Think about that thing you said, or did, or the way you acted that it turned out bugged someone….

It was a bright summer day. There were people on the sidewalks, crowding the entrance to the small parking lot for the well-known Puget Consumer Co-op, a health food grocery store in the urban Fremont neighborhood of Seattle. The locally famous statue of people waiting for the bus was about 200 feet away. People take pictures of that thing and decorate it with clothes and all kinds of costumes. Tourists had their cameras out.

I had been circling the block with my baby in the back seat for about 15 minutes, determined to go in there and buy organic groceries and bulk co-op nuts and all-natural pancake flour.

(I was a bit of a hyper-perfection-only-the-best-for-my-baby type mom, it was really annoying….this was twenty years ago!)

My son was asleep in his car seat, I was super tired. But determined.

This was about the fifth time driving the same route through the parking lot, back out to the crowded street, around an extra long block, coming back through an alley this time, re-entering the parking area once again.

Thank God! Someone’s red back-up tail lights! They were leaving!

I paused with gripping fingers on my steering wheel and zipped into the space the split second after the guy pulled away, my blinker clicking.

Relief!

I woke up my one year old son, carried him into the store, set him in the little child seat of the shopping cart and breathed a huge sigh of relief.

As I started down the very first aisle, a man taps me on the arm, looking at me intensely in the eyes. His face is angry, his mouth tight, furious.

“Excuse me. That was very, very discourteous of you,” he says under his breath, softly but with a biting, vicious tone.

I actually turn around and look behind me to see if he’s talking to someone else. No one there. I look back into his angry eyes.

“What?” I ask with my heart starting to beat, a shot of adrenaline racing through my torso.

“You stole my parking place.”

I blink. I’m trying to match his reaction with my actions. I have no words for a moment, he looks so frightening.

I mumble with fear…”oh, sorry, I was waiting a long time to park, I was circling……”

He marches away.

Ping. That’s the moment.

Who would you be without your story?

Who would you be without the belief that you did something wrong, you imposed on someone, or hurt them?

Without the thought that I was a bad person, should have noticed him, should have seen his car, should have paid attention, should have prevented this, should have been more courteous?

Hearing words, seeing a face, seeing a mouth that almost wants to spit, seeing fury.

Like watching a rain storm blow through. Letting the words and the face be the way they are.

Without the belief it is my fault, my body relaxes. The huge lump in my throat might come up and out, and I might have started to cry.

It’s hard to stay without the belief for some. To even imagine who you might be, or what you might be, or what that would feel like.

Be gentle with yourself, gentle with you, with those other angry people or disappointed people. Feel what it’s like to let it be the way it is.

I turn the thought around, the feeling around.

There is nothing wrong or right. There is no fault. It went the way it went. This isn’t personal. I am a human. He is a human. I shouldn’t be so mean to myself, I shouldn’t make this about me. This isn’t about him.

Could there even be something supportive about this moment, this experience?

Wow. Hard to begin. But then, something cracks.

I appreciate this experience of being hated, being dismissed, being misunderstood, because of how deeply it reminds me of my own disappointment, all the times I have misunderstood, the times I have hated others.

It appears that this is the way of it, the way life moves. Fear happens. I know what that’s like.

And now, here in this moment, I can relax and fall backwards behind that fear. I can use even this memory of “doing something wrong” as an opportunity to rest, to love.

I can send love to this situation.

Perhaps those people who dismiss me are reflections of how I feel about myself, of the way I have treated me. Who knows. But I haven’t treated myself very well. I have thought of myself as needy, desperate, without love, insignificant, stupid and powerless.

Someone who doesn’t pay attention well enough to who else is wanting a parking place.

Not exactly the sweetest eyes to look through.

“When you’re being what you are, when you’re living the awakened life, there’s nobody to forgive, because there’s no resentment held, no matter what.” ~ Adyashanti

That includes yourself, no matter what.

You can choose right now to see that you are love, you are loved, you are loving. Not as a little positive thinking message, but as something just as true or truer than your painful story.

Maybe that person bumped up against you and saw you as unloving, because you’re the one who can handle it….and turn it around.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Splitting Open

I know I’ve been writing long involved inquiry for months and months, almost every day.

Who would have known this was possible?

Ha ha! The way of it is strange and unexpected.

I thought I’d surprise you today (and give myself a little more time to work on other projects, by the way) and share only this short and beautiful poem.

No matter where you are, I hope you breathe, relax and feel the teensiest idea to be open to what has happened in your life. To being split open by difficulty, hurt, against what has happened.

All it takes is the idea.

It shouldn’t have happened…..is that really, really true?

“Light will someday split you open; even if your life is now a cage…Love will surely burst you wide open into an unfettered, blooming new galaxy.” ~ Hafiz

“Let love kill you” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace

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I Will Never Speak To Him Again!

I’m never speaking to that jerk again.

Have you ever had that thought? Have you ever cut someone off hoping never to have conversation with them again? Vowing never to see them again for the rest of your life?

FOREVER!

Sometimes, it seems like the only option. People do this with troubling parents, difficult friends, children, friends, acquaintances.

Let’s look today…this has been one of my own strategies for handling difficult people. Knock them out of my life with silence.

There might be another way, that seems scary, but ultimately more connected, kinder, more vulnerable, and actually….who you really are.

What’s going on in those Shut Them Out moments?

For me, it was always great fear. Fear I would be hurt, destroyed, attacked again after being attacked before. Fear of anger, hate, fear of betrayal, pain. Trying to make sure to diminish the potential angst or discomfort, hoping it never would ever happen again.

But who would you be if you loosened up your grip on building that barrier, that shield of protection?

Here’s what I found: without the belief that I need to protect myself from that person and never communicate….I am free.

Without the belief that there is something terrible and frightening out there, outside of me, that I have to watch out for….

….I connect.

I have compassion, I feel open, alive, fresh. There is no need to drive a wall or wedge between me and that person or those other people.

I fall back behind the burden of using energy to keep myself safe. There is less “I”….there is very little “I”….there is no “I”.

Today I received this email from a local church in my community. It’s a sweet movie demonstrating the truth of forgiveness. Truly letting go of all ill will, fear, concern about someone else’s violence or judgment.

Forgiveness.

What is it?

Could it really be, as Byron Katie says, that forgiveness is finding out that what you think happened….DID NOT REALLY HAPPEN?

Not in the way you really think? Not in that devastating, terrible, horrible way you have been sure is true?

Even if you think you’re right about how you’ve been harmed…can you let love break down your barriers and allow yourself to tap into the wild magnificence of reality, beyond the small you?

Maybe today is the day to contact that person in your life who you believed hurt you so badly, where you lost touch, lost connection, if it feels right. There may never be a better time.

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects…..When you have no destination in view, you can go anywhere. You realize that whatever life brings you is good, so you look forward to it all. There’s no such thing as adversity. Adversity is just an unquestioned thought.” ~ Byron Katie

The thing about this work, questioning your beliefs, seeing who you are without your thoughts….it’s very difficult to do all alone.

Just like forgiving or making genuine connection is almost impossible to do without reaching out, communicating, using words, expressing.

That’s why I love having a group with whom to do steady inquiry. To practicing unraveling painful beliefs, and find turnarounds, and live them, test them out.

When you get stuck and feel you can’t face others, can’t forgive, can’t find peace….your friends who support you in questioning your most troubling beliefs will support your freedom by encouraging you to bring yourself love, and experience peace.

The other day I looked on in support as one strong person encouraged another very frightened person to call his dad, after the young man questioned his belief that is dad hurt him and was too hard to talk to.

“Go do it now!”

This is called being part of the Peace Movement.

If you’re thinking about Year of Inquiry, we start next week. I’ve had enough people write to me about offering one meeting time outside business hours, so if moving Thursday calls to 5:30 pm Pacific Time (an hour later) would make it work for you to jump in, I’ll consider it. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you have questions.

Another powerful way to get yourself in the Peace Movement.

“The YOI program is immensely valuable and I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in this type of work. You can’t do inquiry by yourself at this capacity, it is almost impossible. I get so much out of a group of people committed to finding the truth for themselves. I’ve done a lot of meditative embodiment work and “the work” seems to be the perfect marriage taking me way deeper into my practice than I could before. I see people just doing embodiment work seem to spin out on stories, and people just doing the work also spinning out on stories, but the two together were terrific for me. I am blowing past all kinds of stories and things I never thought would change in my reality are changing right before my eyes. I feel confident I can create my own reality and relax into what is, all at the same time. Also I notice after doing the work for a year now I can now make the choice not to go down a mental worm hole. I can simply choose not to believe it whereas before the thought process would spiral out of control. My mind is quieter and the world isn’t as scary. Things become a lot more clear and a lot more simple. Thank you Grace for your steadiness and compassionate leadership and thank you to all my brave group members who came with me on this journey!” ~ AK YOI Participant

Much love, Grace

 

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The Surprising Result of Not Changing Anything

changehappensIn only one month, everyone in the new Year of Inquiry (YOI) will be gathering in Seattle to investigate troubling stories about being human.

We meet Sept 19-21, Friday night through Sunday 5 pm. There are still four spots available.

You can try a free group inquiry call to test the waters on how telesessions feel for you. We have three calls this coming week in Summer Camp: Monday 4 pm, Tuesday 8 am, Thursday 9:30 am. Just hit reply if you’d like to send me an email for information on how to join telecalls or YOI.

******

Speaking of being human.

This idea of doing vs being seems to appear frequently in conversation lately, even if the conversation is in my own head.

Doing has gotten a bad rap.

Being is better. Just Be. Then you don’t have to Do anything.

Lots of talk about not making effort, not working so hard, not pushing, relaxing, slowing down, moving gently.

Now…this is all very peaceful and restful.

But I had to chuckle the other day, because suddenly I realized how easy it is to make a project out of not-efforting and doing nothing.

Not that it was “working” mind you. It appears I still do a lot.

I’m not exactly lying around trying to relax all day on the couch.

But it’s more like I’ve been “trying” quite a bit to relax all day WHILE I work, write, meet with clients, teach classes.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…except I simply realized it’s such a PROJECT.

Like I could call it Project Rest.

Like there’s a competition going on, and winning equals being totally relaxed in every way in every circumstance, not believing any thoughts ever, never getting caught in addiction or vicious cycles of criticism or confusion, being of profound service to other people, and probably winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Sometimes in the past I’ve noticed an element of this going on with enlightenment. I’m “working” on it.

Project Wake Up.

Whew, the mind will grab anything and decide to organize, code, label, plan and master it.

Good news.

It’s OK that the mind loves this, loves solving problems, getting lessons, taking classes, “working” on stuff.

I know, because of doing The Work.

The mind takes over everything as a project…..Is that true?

Yes. I’m addicted to thinking and solving problems. I love to think, can’t stop thinking, do nothing except think, think, think. I need to figure out EVERYTHING. I need to understand, rest versus be busy, get something that I’m obviously missing.

Really?

Are you sure you are missing something? Are you sure you aren’t getting something? Are you sure you can’t stop thinking?

Uh…yes? What are you asking?

I mean…without missing something, trying to get something, trying to stop whatever…nothing would ever change for the better!

Something needs to change!

Is That True?

Woah…crazy question! How could that NOT be true?

A teensy little thought enters with the idea that it’s not true…..it’s OK that there’s thought, OK to leave everything alone, including this mind and allllllll my stories.

What a weird, paradoxical, hilarious place to go. Without the belief that I need to change my beliefs, or do something, or get somewhere different than here….

….I almost want to start laughing hysterically.

I turn the thought around that something needs to change:

Nothing actually needs to change. The mind trying to make everything into a project, including realization, doesn’t have to change. My believing doesn’t have to change. My work doesn’t have to change. My activities don’t have to change. My doing doesn’t have to change.

Even if this is the weirdest, strangest most truly foreign idea you’ve ever actually had when it comes to dealing with being human….

….notice how you feel when you don’t believe anything ever inside of you is missing, needs to change, or must be altered.

Isn’t that so fun?

No longer any project, or something you’re working towards.

Suddenly this moment now is truly all there is, even when there is thinking in this moment about a future, there is such thrilling alive acceptance of everything here, now.

There is no difference between being or doing. They are both happening and wonderful, no way to ever choose one or the other, they just appear.

“When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you.” ~ Byron Katie

If you love questioning stories…

…come join me and the incredible group of inquirers who collect together on the phone all year (and two fabulous in-person retreats) to question our stories.

Here’s the funny secret: we don’t try to change anything, thoughts about reality, people, bodies, places, time, or things all get examined…and things change all on their own.

“We rest in alert, awake presence, welcoming our present situation as it is. Our communications with others are vibrantly alive, not deadened or pushed away in favor of silence. We’re listening, living, and loving–not escaping into silence in order to avoid conflict or painful feelings. The quietness of presence is an opening, not a closing. It opens us to everything that’s happening within and around us.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Much love, Grace

 

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Old, Wrinkled, Sagging, Done–Hooray!

Many people have written to me about a Year of Inquiry (YOI) starting next month. One person asked if she could get a taste of what a group telesession was like, before deciding.

This got me thinking…

…next week is the very last week of Summer Camp for The Mind, where we’ve had 90 minute calls questioning our thoughts all summer.

If you’d really like to get a sense of how a telesession feels, our last three calls are Monday 4 pm 8/25, Tuesday 8 am 8/26, and Thursday 9:30 am 8/28. All Pacific Time.

Write me a personal email at grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d really like to join one of those sessions, and especially if you’re thinking about YOI. My gift to you.

****

Meanwhile, back on the ranch.

The ranch, in this case, being the body. Because that’s where the mind goes today.

The body, and the troubles with the body. Having to “deal” with the body.

Have you ever had a problem with the body?

First of all. About a week ago, someone offered me an espresso.

Well, maybe just this once. Yummy.

Five days later and at least four more espressos later, my hands are peeling, my face is dry, and I have a sick feeling in my stomach. Rats. Oh well.

Done with that….again. Now the skin has to heal up.

And speaking of skin.

I wanted to make a video. It was part of a very short, small project. It only had to be about a minute. I whipped out my cell phone…pretending I’m like all those smooth youtubers my kid watches…

…and when I watched the video…

…OMG. Seriously? I have that many wrinkles? I look like a dork, too, with my hair sticking up. Like I just got back from the gym.

Then there’s the surges of heat, where I feel suddenly completely warm, and sometimes slightly weird in my stomach. Kind of fascinating, but not exactly the best thing that ever happened in my life.

It’s called menopause.

My right second toe has some kind of knotted, weird, frozen joint thing going on. And let’s not mention that right torn and repaired hamstring from last year that still feels tight, numb and painful. Plus my right thumb kind of aching and not able to grab stuff tightly. (What’s with the right side? jeez)!

It’s a mess of imperfections and problems.

You may have your list, too.

That injury, the accident, the doctor’s visit, that thing that’s been hurting for a decade, the chronic ache that started when you were a teenager, the face, gray hair, sagging skin, the diagnosis.

It’s limited. There’s only so much time. This body will end.

What if you have stress, despair, fear, anger or concern about this state? That everything can only last awhile, and becomes more worn, used, old, or decaying over time?

Because everything does. Even a flower. Even a rock. Even a body.

Not long ago I did The Work with a woman who had been a big athlete in her life. Now, she had breast cancer. She was losing her hair with treatment. She felt ugly and like everyone could see, and everyone would know she was the diseased one.

They won’t like me, they’ll judge me, they’ll discard or move away from me, this shouldn’t be happening, I hate this disease.

Yesterday, I thought about her again. I could relate.

I hate this.

You can pick anything in the body. Small or large, light or traumatic.

I hate that this kind of thing happens, that things break down, that there is aging, change, sickness….I really do hate this.

Is it true?

Yes. It’s soooooooooo saaaaaaaad. Or frustrating.

Are you sure?

Yes. I got reading glasses some time ago and I think I have to go up to the next level. This is all the beginning of the end.

Death is approaching…even if it’s still 40 years away. My time is limited. I might have to cut my hair at some point, because who cares.

How do you react when you believe it’s sad that the body is limited, that it’s changing, or that its better to look young than old, or that sickness is horrible?

I don’t want to send the video with all those facial wrinkles. I don’t want to participate. I just want to read, learn, withdraw. I don’t want to hear anyone talk about me (it wouldn’t be good). I want to pretend I don’t have a body.

So who would you be without believing any of this? Without thinking this sucks, or that what’s going on is devastating? Without the thought that this is NOT LIKABLE?

Huh.

That’s weird.

This could be likable?

I love this. It shouldn’t be different. 

Strange.

“Why do you need to be straight in your posture? Is it true that you feel more open when you’re standing up? There’s no such thing as old age. There’s only an appearance. You look in the mirror, you tell the story of what you see, and you shut yourself down. What you see in the mirror is God. You tell the story of how its not, and how its wrong….And you don’t have to wait for old age, you’re living it now.” ~ Byron Katie

When I believe that I shouldn’t get sick, or old, or die…I’m against all signs that this could be happening, and stressed about those signs, and rejecting those signs.

But I can investigate right here, right now. Until it’s OK to have all these supposed ailments.

Suddenly, happiness. Smiling. I can feel so strongly what is not concerned at all, how very, very well everything is. Watching from out of these eyes, from what looks through them with absolute humming.

It’s truly awesome.

My thoughts were old, frail, aging, decaying, worn out, sick, limited, breaking down, falling apart, fuzzy, wrinkled, sagging.

Oh…that’s a good thing. I love that my thoughts and stories and nightmares and visions about bodies are breaking into a thousand pieces, dissolving and vanishing and becoming nothing.

Yippee!

“Nature is not a masochist. It’s loving.” ~ Byron Katie

“Refuse to think of yourself in terms of this or that. There is no other way out of misery, which you have created for yourself through blind acceptance without investigation. Suffering is a call for enquiry, all pain needs investigation. Don’t be too lazy to think.” ~ Nisargadatta

The adventure continues.

Much love, Grace

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The Tricky Sneaky Backwards Way To Avoid Blame

blamesignYou are invited…

Years ago, I opened a light purple envelope addressed to me only, which had arrived at my parents house, the same house I grew up in.

My mom had handed the letter to me the day before when I had stopped by in the afternoon to say hello.

Wow, I thought. Ten years. Hard to believe.

It was an invitation to my tenth high school reunion.

My immediate feeling was curiosity, followed by memories of high school, followed by wondering what it would be like, followed by anticipation, all in the course of 3 seconds.

Nah. I won’t go. Look at the price…that’s so expensive! Good lord! I don’t do anything that fancy!

The next day, I thought about the invitation again. I picked it up and re-read it.

Then I found myself filling out the little form to buy a ticket. I called two of my good friends who were in my same class. One said no way, he would never go. One said absolutely, this would be a blast.

Good. I didn’t think my boyfriend at the time would want to go, I didn’t even bother asking him. He wasn’t from my high school.

Then, for the next months, I kept thinking “I could get my money back, it will probably be stupid. I might not even know anyone there anymore. I have no idea who else is going.”

But I knew I was too curious about it to NOT go.

Even though I was never super torn about attending…I really had considered not going.

I would have missed a most dreamlike, semi-haunting, semi-strange, absolutely brilliant experience. Faces appeared before me that I had never thought of for one single second since I left high school ten years before.

People who were wonderfully familiar, but whose name I had zero memory of, people who had morphed into ten year older versions of themselves, an awareness of past-future-present all mashed up together.

Feelings washed through me of the movement of life, how odd it all is, how I understood nothing but in so many ways, it was all bizarre and magnificent.

It was better than going to a great movie.

It was like being in a living dream for me…so familiar, yet completely new, like I just arrived there from another planet with a distant memory of being a human being.

And I could have decided against going, and missed that cool experience!!!

In fact, some of my friends DID miss it. They shared with me their thoughts. They went something like this:

I didn’t want to re-enter difficult memories, people will judge me, I can’t feel confident going in there, this is a mark of how little I’ve accomplished, they’ll be surprised at my appearance, I look horrible, I should have done so much more by now, I don’t have a career which is really embarrassing, I’m such a failure, I could never go in this condition….

The mind can take over your freedom to choose to go to events, in an effort to protect you from getting uncomfortable when you go. Uncomfortable could mean feeling adrenaline, having an old memory arise, feeling sad, feeling bad about yourself.

But who would you be without ANY thought about this future event? With no expectations of how it will go and what it will be like?

What if you dropped your thoughts of comparison? What if you didn’t worry about who you might run into, or what that person will behave like when you see them?

Far more recently than my tenth HS reunion, I noticed one day thinking that I’d like to go back to a place I hadn’t been to in about 3 – 4 years….and then within 1/4 of a second, the thought that I could run into HER if I ever went.

I’ve done The Work on HER. I’ve sent blessings of light to her, I’ve prayed for her, I’ve ho’opono ono’d her (special blessing of Hawaiian origin), I’ve “worked” on that relationship enough where I can feel deep appreciation for all that went down, I even feel grateful.

However.

Running into HER?

That makes me nervous. Just better not go to that place where I might run into her, avoid the stress. Right?

Uh. Remember?….Who would you be without the thought that you aren’t safe? That you were hurt? That something bad could happen? That it would be too hard? That you couldn’t handle it? That it would be dangerous?

That you KNOW ANYTHING about what it would be like?

Oh! Right!

I’d go.

I’d live my life freely. I’d enter a room with my “enemy” with eagerness, knowing I might learn something more important than if I were with my friend, when the time was right.

“When you see him as flawed in any way, you can be sure that that’s where your own flaw is. The flaw has to be in your thinking, because you’re the one projecting it. You are always what you judge us to be in the moment. There’s no exception. You are your own suffering; you are your own happiness.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn my thinking around: I love myself in her presence, I love my courage in her presence, I love my fear, I am safe, I am not a victim in her presence, I can handle all this–I already have.

Turning it around even more: She is safe with me, she did the best she could, she is honest in my presence, she was frightened too in my presence, she is imperfectly wonderful, she helped me (not hurt me).

All these are so true!

“If you blame someone else, there is no end to blame.” ~ Tao Te Ching #79

Notice, every time you blame, you feel upset.

For your own pleasure, fun, adventure and happiness…you can end it…and enjoy going wherever you need or want to go.

Do The Work.

Much love,

Grace

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Doing The Work Shows Me How To Celebrate Change

Change-Your-LifeLast night the Thursday Year Of Inquiry group spent time investigating our topic this month. We’re in our last month of being together for an entire year, doing The Work.

Our topic?

Well, appropriately….the topic is endings, when something is lost, when it appears to be gone forever.

When they change, when it’s over, done, finished, kaput, altered, not going as expected or planned in any way.

Complete. Dead. Permanently deleted.

People in our group had all different situations, as usual, to examine.

A son who was growing up who spends less time with his parents, a beloved grandpa who had died long ago. Someone admirable who left, moved away. A lifestyle that ended. A real estate deal not unfolding as planned.

How many times in my life have I thought, with sadness, that it was unfortunate that something or someone was no longer with me, or that something was going differently than I wanted it to go?

Wow. What a big lens to look through at life where the lens is sour, victim-ish, disappointed, bleak, doomed.

It went wrong. It could have gone better. That person is lost and gone forever. 

Is it true?

Are you completely positive it’s true that it went wrong, or could have gone better, or they’re totally lost?

Well….yeah! On the really scary dreadful stuff, of course it could have gone better, are you nuts?!

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

Um…..Yes? Pretty dang sure.

How do you react when you think it went wrong, it could have gone better, or it’s gone?

I have an image of that moment, when I was doing something I felt *horrible* about…making out for several hours with a boy when I was in sixth grade, hating every moment and waiting until it was over, but NOT SAYING ANYTHING.

Rats, that was a bummer. I called myself a wimp for about twenty years.

Or what about when I’ve injured myself and it appeared this body would never be the same again.

It could have gone SO much better! I was terrified and trying to fit in and didn’t want my really good friend who I loved to find me irritating and a bummer to the party.

I’ll never recover, I wish it was like the old way, I want it to be like it was before.

Sigh.

How do I react when I believe it?

RRRRUUUUNNNNN for your life!

Push it down, don’t think about it, ignore it, be on alert to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

It’s very tense.

“I don’t have any rules. I don’t need them. There’s a sense of order that goes on all the time as things move and change, and I am that harmony, and so are you. Not knowing is the only way to understand… Meanings, rules, the whole world of right and wrong, are secondary at best. I understand how some people think they need to live by rules…It’s very frightening for them to watch the world unfolding in apparent chaos and not realize that the chaos itself is God in his infinite intelligence.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would you be without the belief that it went wrong, or was lost and gone forever?

Wait for it.

Without any belief at all that it should have gone different than it did?

Peaceful. Right Here.

Looking around this room as I write. Pottery red wall, spider dropping from the ceiling, beautiful red and white rug, wooden floor, fingers tapping on computer, eagles chirping outside, quiet.

Turning it around: it went just as necessary, it went chaotically and wildly as it needed to go, everything fades away, returns, vanishes, appears, nothing remains the same, that was then, this is now, it was needed for just that long, then no longer needed in that form.

As the inquirers found in Year of Inquiry….YAHOO! It changed!

(Do you hear Celebration by Kool and The Gang playing in background?…OK that may be a bit far for your situation).

But could there be benefits for why it went the way it did? Could it be the universe is kinder than you thought? Are there advantages, or perhaps even simply noticing all is well?

“To give up the egoic will, all you have to do is not complain about what is.  Be aligned with the isness – people, situations, whatever – this is already as it is.  It’s the inevitability of is.  Become friendly with what is, and you become intelligent for the first time. With the simple act of surrender to the inevitability of the present moment, another energy comes. You could call that universal will, you could call that intelligence, you could call that the creative solution to whatever the so-called “problem” is….You and the Universe become one, and as such it creates through you as this form.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

If you’re longing to end your struggles and relax your thinking, by questioning it, and you’ve wanted to join with other like-minded people in support of this Great Inquiry….Year of Inquiry starts next month.

Early Bird registration still open for another day until August 16th! I would be honored to have you. Click HERE for all the information. Write to grace@workwithgrace.com if you have any questions.

Year-Long doing The Work Shows Me How

“I’ve so appreciated the Year-Long experience and intend to continue because of the opportunity to do the Work coming at me 3 times/month without me having to initiate. Doing the Work in that regular, consistent way has brought me to some deeply-held beliefs I was unaware of and was able to Work at unravelling. The Year-Long provides me with the long-term on-going class that allows me some breathing room between sessions, but always the next class to look forward to. After 5+ years of doing The Work, I continue to ask the questions and do the turnarounds because I get peace of mind each time. The stressful thought/experience unravels, I am gifted with awareness…I never knew what my business was before The Work.  And I did not know HOW to take responsibility for my life and actions. I did not know HOW to forgive others or myself. I did not know HOW to let go. Doing The Work shows me how.” ~ J, 2013-2014 YOI Participant

Much love, Grace

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Stop Seeking The Truth. Just Stop.


William James is known as one of the great father’s of psychology, the study of the human mind and how we behave and what’s going between what seems to be “thought” and “reality”.

He was doing his thing several years before Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud were having deep conversations in Austria.

James is famous for being consulted by Bill W, who also became famous for his recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous from terrible alcoholism.

The other day I learned that James had a crisis when he was in his late twenties. He felt like he touched bottom in despair about what his life was for, and whether it was worth it, and if he was really good at anything or just one big failure.

But then instead of killing himself, it came to him to make a decision. Before doing anything final, he would conduct a year long experiment: he would practice believing that he had free will.

He would believe he could change.

He could not know what would happen tomorrow, or anything about his destiny, but he could choose today to look at what he was thinking, believing, doing, how he was being….and freely question it.

He decided that during this One Year Experiment, he would choose to live AS IF he did not know what was true, but that he would believe in free will.

This is not believing that it could be positive, or wonderful, or perfect, or turn out super wildly good.

Only orienting toward freedom to choose, in any split second.

“You either believe your thoughts, or you question them. There’s no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie

James did this by looking at what was going on around him, apparently. By writing a lot in his journal. By looking at what he was actually telling himself.

This is of course what we’re doing with The Work or any clear form of self-inquiry.

I remember when I felt so awful about my pattern of binge-eating, overeating, snacking, unconscious eating and never really enjoying food in a deep, satisfying way.

One day, I understood that food was not what I was looking for.

That may seem sooooo obvious.

But if it was so obvious, why was I always going back to food every time I had that “feeling”?

Something was skipping by really, really, really fast.

It skipped over the awareness that I was insanely hungry for something…and re-directed the hunger, urge and craving toeating.

It almost didn’t matter what I was eating. More detail about what I craved and why became clear later.

But first, I noticed that I was damn hungry. For something. And then I noticed it wasn’t food. Because my stomach would be stuffed, but I still wanted more food. Wires were getting crossed.

I had a similar experience to Mr. William James. I saw that food wasn’t satisfying me, just about EVER, so I would believe, ever so tentatively, that there was something else that WAS satisfying.

I decided the universe wouldn’t be set up in such a way that a human would stuff food into a pipe that actually was built for divinity, power, beauty, joy, and silence….and have that work out in the end.

Well….it DID work out in the end. Because of knowing it didn’t work.

I was settling for way too small. Here’s what I said to myself when I was about 22, after vomiting a gigantic amount of food I didn’t even really want:

“I was born with the same human capabilities as everyone else. I will not quit until I figure out what is so off here. I HAVE to be able to eat and love food when hungry, and not care about it when I’m full. That’s the normal natural way of it. I can be in that club. It’s my nature, too.”

Back then, even though I wasn’t too sure life was entirely worth living, I knew I would never kill myself. I was too stubbornly determined that the dilemma of living out of balance was resolvable.

Something turned a corner, almost imperceptibly.

It took about a decade before all obsession with food fell away and I became easy with food. Little visitations have returned here and there, it continues to be refined always…but there is no agony about eating anymore, and it’s never returned in over twenty years.

Now, I’m a thought detective instead.

Now here’s the weird thing. I did not make any of those thoughts come in that brought determination to my plight. Did I invent them?

No.

There was absolutely nothing special about me whatsoever.

It still sounds better to this entity I am calling “me” to continue to live and experience this world outside of being an extreme addict, and to enjoy all the ins and outs, ups and downs, joy and sorrow, and completely bizarre weirdness of this place.

Today, I have been thinking about life and death, and the energy and effort it takes if you decide to actually put an end to your life as you know it…whether physically or emotionally.

There is something that moves towards change. It goes. It has a flow.

We appear to have free will. Or perhaps we have the capacity to believe we have free will.

Either way, if you ask “is it true?” to whatever you’re thinking…you may wait, pause, feel quiet, notice that you are not only your thoughts, find benefits to things the way they are, notice how you can feel peace for no reason.

If you ask “is it true?” you may discover there is nothing to do, and it isn’t. You just really don’t know.

“Do not seek the truth: only cease to cherish opinions….if you wish to know the truth, then hold no opinion for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is a disease of the mind.” ~ Seng-Ts’an

Blessings to all who decide to play the chess move with the universe that says it’s time to die, who kill themselves or kill other people around them, or annihilate all possibilities and burn bridges.

And blessings to all who look on others who take that path, and feel sad about their suffering.

All I can do in this moment right now is to notice the urge to think something is good, or bad, or that I am against or for it, or that I like this or hate that…but I have no idea if any of it is true.

And I know nothing about what is next, for anyone. I just know the easiest way is to rest in peace. Stop. Relax. Hold Still.

Robin Williams, and all the other people who have committed suicide, ever, and everyone who has ever had a violent, scared, abusive, fearful, horrifying thought….Rest In Peace.

Thank you for helping me see.

RIP.

Much love, Grace