Tag: Byron Katie

Posted on

A Kind Now Makes A Kind Future

You know that very small and admittedly big ticket high-end retreat I’m hosting that I told you about the day before yesterday?

The Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat.

I’m calling it Serenity for short.

(I’ve only watched about three shows in the past two decades, and Firefly was one of them. Yum. The ship name is Serenity, if you haven’t seen it).

I mentioned several special people who will attend either on skype or in person….

….Well, I’ll tell you who just one of the presenters will be:

Arielle Ford.

And she’s coming in person.

She is famous for her process and book called The Soulmate Secret, a way to find the perfection in imperfection in our primary relationships.

Isn’t that what we’re all doing with The Work?

Opening our minds to reality, relaxing with what we see as apparent flaws….in others, in ourselves, in life, in the world.

I learned about Arielle through her sister, the late Debbie Ford, who offered me such a beautiful way to live the turnaround of loving the end of my marriage with her book Spiritual Divorce.

For this special retreat, I also asked Byron Katie.

Naturally.

And Geneen Roth, David Whyte, Alanis Morrisette, Cheri Huber, Adyashanti and Mukti (Adya’s wife).

I expect the four days we spend together will be, quite honestly, magnificent.

I guess its not a secret anymore who just a small few of the people are who I deeply admire, so grateful for their teachings and words.

I don’t know if ALL of them will be able to say “yes”.

Which brings me to a stressful thought….kind of like the stressful thoughts you might have when you’re planning something, bringing something together.

Maybe you’re supposed to lead a meeting, give a speech, give a toast, run a retreat, host a party, compete in a race, take a big test.

You’ve got a thing coming up, and you’re not completely exactly sure how it will go.

What if everyone says yes? What if no one does?

What if nobody cares? What if I don’t do well? What if I don’t pass? What if I look like a complete dork? What if something happens at the last minute?

Aiyiyiyiyi!

You need to know it’s gonna be good.

Is that true?

Well, I at least need to know it’s gonna work out OK, I mean…right? I need assurance. I need confidence!

Are you sure?

No.

How do you react when you’re hoping, waiting, practicing, imagining, wishing very hard to win that race, be “on”, do fabulously well?

Pressured, nervous, not able to relax, jumpy, fussy, commanding, pushy, busy.

Not exactly fun when it swings into that pressure zone.

So who would you be without the belief that you need to know it will be good, go well, that everyone will come, that it will be awesome….

….even while you know it will very, very likely be happening (you can never know absolutely that anything will happen) and there are things to do beforehand, like planning, that help make it easier?

I notice without the belief that I need to know something will go super crazy well, that I’m very joyful in this moment, now, just imagining that future event.

I’m happy right now.

It’s OK if it does, or does not, happen the way I’m seeing it. I’m not even seeing it set up a certain set way…it’s just a feeling of happiness and gratitude about this moment, this fun world where time seems to pass and the future arrives.

“Freedom means living in kindness, AS kindness. It means never having a moment of fear, anger, or sadness–living totally exposed, as a gift. There’s nothing personal in it.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re one of the very unique individuals who is called to join the private Serenity Retreat, click HERE to send in your application. It will be limited to 8 inquirers.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry has registrations coming in. If you’d like to learn more about YOI, click HERE. We start together in September for a whole year of inquiry together. I already know, it is good. YOI JOY!

Opening The Mind is Miraculous

“The strongest part about YOI was the action of me making a commitment to do this for an entire year. There was something very profound in that. Having the fellowship of everybody else was very strong for me. I feel like I made real friends. Friends that will last a lifetime. I’m feeling very serene, similar to like when I just came out of The School except that this high has already lasted longer 🙂 I believe the length of lasting is proportional to the length of time in the class, ie, due to the length of time in the class. YOI is a great way to feel emotionally and spiritually connected to a group. It is a wonderful path of releasing old, worn-out, misunderstood belief patterns. The opening of the mind is a miraculous and spiritual experience like no other.” ~ YOI Participant 2013-2014

Posted on

July Summer Camp Starting Soon

Even though a conference I just attended is complete, I’m not yet back in Seattle.

Today I was offline and off cell service all day, hiking amongst the ruins of the ancient Pueblo people in the southwest United States, in Mesa Verde.

The landscape is vast, strange, and magical. Kinda like the mind and our inner lives.

Meanwhile, many people wrote to me asking about the exact dates of Summer Camp.

The dates for July Summer Camp for The Mind are:

July 7 and July 21, 4-5:30 pm Pacific

July 1, July 8, July 22, 8-9:30 am Pacific

July 3, July 17, July 31, 9:30 am-11:00 am Pacific

These are all live calls on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Anyone in Summer Camp can join these calls live and get your work done with a small, wonderful group of inquirers, or listen to the recording afterwards and do your work as you follow along.

And the price for the entire month? $97.

Crazy low…I did it so you can get the chance to sample the work with a small group this summer at a very low fee, in community with others.

We have a facebook secret closed group, and you’ll be able to join, share and question.

It’s sort of oddly simple, but there is nothing like scheduling your inquiry time to ensure it happens.

You may have completely new awareness, and the ability to understand yourself in a different way.

That’s what doing The Work offers…the chance to examine your mind, feel what is really true, be here now.

July Summer Camp starts with a call on July 1st. Register soon if you know you want a space for the month.

Won’t you join me?

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Journaling Brings On The End Of Overeating

Yesterday I mentioned the Dreaded Journal.

You know what I’m talkin’ about right?

Well, OK, if you don’t…..it’s the journal I ask people who are investigating their relationship to eating to write in and keep close.

It works for other addictive processes just as well. ANY addictive or unconscious, overwhelming process where it seems like a demon takes over. Or some craving, compulsive, gripping urge is felt (like in love addiction, for example).

When I went to a therapist to continue my journey to healing from terrible binge-purge episodes and enormous cravings for food, or starvation routines, she introduced the idea of keeping a journal to me.

A Binge Journal.

Can’t we just talk about stuff so that I feel relieved, so that I feel better?

Do I have to write down what was going on when I binged, craved, overate, stuffed myself with food, vomited, over-exercised?

Ewww. I don’t want to see that in writing. Too exposed. Too embarrassing.

Too sick.

But she kept asking if I bought a special journal, every week when I came to see her. At first I forgot to get one every week, then I avoided it.

And of course, I finally bought one.

I wanted to learn, I wanted to stop doing what I was doing.

It was red leather, with no letters of any kind on the outside. Very thin, with beautiful college-ruled lines on the inside. I used my black felt-tip pen, my favorite.

In a journal of this kind, you are studying your own mind, without demanding that it change.

You’re seeing the worst, the disgusting, the outrageous, the terrible, the horrifying.

I wrote what I ate, what I appeared to crave (sometimes it was just anything consumable), and then….

(the gold)….

….what I was feeling and/or thinking before the cravings began.

This was studying the cycle, instead of trying to forget about it.

Investigating what I was frightened of, or concerned about, or what I wanted to “forget” or “avoid”. Just like the journal itself.

Here’s the interesting thing that happened:

I wrote if I had any urge to binge, or about a binge I just had (always the case in the beginning that I wrote AFTER I was through the binge-eating-purging cycle).

Nothing changed at first.

Then I began to re-read some of my journaling entries, from previous days and weeks. My therapist asked me to look through the sections and read them out loud, or tell her what I was noticing.

Ah….interesting.

Two weeks ago when I began eating after work, and ate all the way home in my car, and went straight to my room after passing my roommates in the kitchen…

…I had been frightened and angry because of the way my boss talked to me that morning.

The week before, one of my best friends got upset with me for ignoring his calls for a day, and later I had felt anxious in a similar way as when my boss spoke to me (resistant, angry, frightened) and wound up binge-eating.

The Saturday before that, I had talked with my parents long-distance and heard in their voices their wish that I would start paying my own student loans, but I knew I made so little money I didn’t know how to “fix” that problem and got scared…..and wound up overeating.

OMG! I have a problem with feeling fear!

Now…I had a clearer belief to question:

If you’re afraid, it’s awful. Feeling like you’re in danger is intolerable. All these things in my life are very frightening. Therefore I must find relief from life. Too scary.

EAT!

But who would you be without the thought that feeling fear is intolerable? That you have to do something quick to alter yourself if you feel fear?

I’d feel the buzzing, fluttering, uncomfortable sensations of “fear”. It moves through the center of my body like a wave sending out signals, in my torso.

I’d notice that it’s not serious, it’s not the worst thing that ever happened, it’s only sensations, feelings.

I may not even call it “fear”.

“It’s what you are believing that causes stress in your life…When we’re believing something is scary, the mind will give you all the proof and images so that you cannot think beyond it. That is what the mind worships! It has to worship what its believing, otherwise who am I? I don’t know! But we have some identity here, even though terrified, we think we have some safety here.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought that something is scary, I notice how safe I am in the moment.

“In my view, there is no way to speak maturely about recovering from addiction without first seeing what it’s all about.  It’s about the avoidance of painful or unpleasant thoughts, emotions, and sensations.  Really sitting with emotions and sensations, without thought on them, is needed….When all emotions and sensations are seen to be temporary energies that pass when you place no thought on them, the avoidance stops.  And so the addiction naturally releases itself.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Studying yourself, keeping a journal, noticing what is happening in the moment you crave….can be a door opening into relaxation and ending the cycle.

You might like it…

Love, Grace

P.S. Eating Peace teleclass will begin, in new revised longer format, in August. Stay tuned for more information.

 

Posted on

That Troubling Way It Went? It Should Have Gone That Way

That shouldn’t have happened.

How many times have you thought this, in life?

Well….I’ve had it run through my head a gazillion times from the peanut gallery in my mind.

Boy, that really would have been better if it hadn’t happened….

…..what do you think, Peanut Gallery Committee Member B?

Oh, I agree 100%! And how about you, Committee Members C, D, and E?

Absolutely! That shouldn’t have happened! We all agree!

Just look at all the alternative possibilities that are available instead, if THAT hadn’t happened!

But…..what if instead of seeing how clearly something would be better if it hadn’t gone the way it did….

….instead, you found the benefits of the event or circumstance or situation going exactly as it went.

This is what is sometimes called the “living turnaround” in Byron Katie’s work.

I find advantages to what happened, instead of focusing on the disadvantage, concerns, fears.

It’s not positive thinking, or a type of orientation that tries to pretend something didn’t happen at ALL, or cover over the original painful thought. It’s not denial, looking on the bright side, putting a smile on a terrible situation, blah blah.

This is being open to a genuine, authentic openness to benefits coming out of the most troubling situations.

“The sense that things should be other than they are, is suffering.” ~ Wayne Liquorman

Yesterday in Summer Camp, a group of inquirers joining teleconference calls to question their beliefs together as a practice during the summer, looked at this very stressful concept where we really think something should NOT have gone the way it did.

Ouch. Agony.

When thinking that belief to be true, that something shouldn’t be as it is (or was) inquirers in the Summer Camp call reported feeling churning in the stomach, a sharp pain in the throat, jabs in the ribs, anger, rage, wanting to quit, hopelessness.

No hope. What’s the use?

But to truly consider who you would be without the conviction that something should have gone differently?

And then to even find the advantages that it should have gone as it did?

Quite a mind-blower.

This is what people discovered: It should have gone that way because…

…it gives me great opportunity to understand my own pain, my own difficult past and history, to feel better, to notice how I did the best I could (and so did everyone else), to loosen my grip on the need to control or manage things, to allow everything to be as it was, as it is, to let go completely.

“The I-know mind is very painful. It tries to run things like a dictator, and life goes on without it. And all sadness is a tantrum. It’s the war with God, the war with reality–all sadness. And you lose. So turn it around.” ~ Byron Katie

It should have gone that way, because I would never be here right now, writing this, sitting here, living in this particular moment if it hadn’t.

Even with all the Committee Members chiming in.

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

Website Abuse Suspension Drama

 

Breitenbush retreat is nearly here and we have at the last minute an open spot, but only for one man to share a cabin with another man who is already registered.

Call Breitenbush if you know you’re the one 504-854-7174.

Otherwise, we’re full to the max….but stay tuned for future opportunities, there will be others.

****

Turns out my website is frozen because of something technical about CPUs and caches.

I have no idea what it means, even after reading the articles they sent, so I’ll be finding help soon.

But I noticed I didn’t like the words the hosting site sent, letting me know this shut-down thing was happening.

“Your account is abusing CPU resources…”

My account is abusing something? Whaaaaat?!

How could this be happening?

Immediately came the thoughts: they should have told me sooner before reaching this critical point, they should have explained the problem better, they didn’t give me enough time, they shouldn’t use the word ‘abusing’, this is bad for my business, people won’t find my website, Grace Notes can’t go out, this is terrible!

As these thoughts rise, some have a little more juice than others, but I’m not really all that bothered.

Until I read something about being suspended and I have visions of my website getting wiped out by someone since it’s been abusing something, somehow.

All my hard work and learning, gone in a flash!

Is that true, that it’s gone, or even suspended, forever?

No.

Who would I be without the belief that it’s all gone, wiped out, suspended for reasons I don’t know, destroyed?

Ready to make a simple phone call to my hosting company. Taking the next steps to resolve it.

Relaxing.

If it really was gone, I have a back up. I would start over, I could rewrite some of the pages. I could get some simple help.

Who knows?

To even relax a little with less drama, trust, an open mind…

…there is a calm that enters.

Willing not to know, and knowing I’m about to learn something new.

No need to imagine anything really, just moving forward with the obvious next step with no alarm, no panic, no house on fire, no emergency.

Call Customer Service Support.

“There’s a sense of order that goes on all the time as things move and change, and I am that harmony, and so are you. Not knowing is the only way to understand.” ~ Byron Katie

I love even in the middle of technical problems, phone conversations, business tasks….

….harmony and beauty.

Much love,

Grace

 

Posted on

Freedom To Be Angry

He is soooo bad at planning! So irresponsible! What was he thinking?! ARRRRGGGGHHH!

These thoughts were running through my mind two days ago when I went to pick up my son from his dorm check-out ending his second year in college.

Dorm check-out is when yellow-vested staff come through with a clip board and examine the empty, clean dorm room for damage, and to make sure every lamp and piece of furniture is intact.

Notice the words “empty” and “clean”.

His check-out appointment was set for 1:45 pm. I arrived at 1:25 after a 90 minute drive knowing it would take about 20 minutes to load his all his things in the little pick-up truck I had borrowed.

Opening the door of his room, I saw my son, I saw the bed piled with his rumpled bedding…..

….I gasped.

I saw a completely lived-in NOT packed room. Not one thing packed for moving out.

All the clothes in his closet on hangers, the dresser still full, his bookshelves piled high, his desk covered with books and study materials, the mini-fridge containing food, the wall still covered with posters, the cupboard full of kitchen items, his stereo and speaker system still hooked up for music.

Not. One. Thing. Packed.

Stunned, I went into high gear problem-solving mode. After saying with shock in my voice “you didn’t pack yet? I thought we talked about that you would have everything in boxes last night!!!”

I left out the *you moron* part at the end.

As I started stuffing pillow cases and his laundry basket full of his things, I said firmly to my son to go find some boxes and get his bicycle into the truck.

I could feel the pump of anger coursing through. I had an important meeting I planned on attending back home in 3 hours and very determined to be there on time (ha ha fat chance).

As I dashed back and forth between room and truck parked in loading zone outside I noticed other parents, and their sons and daughters.

Those parents look happy! Their kids didn’t do this. Those other kids were packed. They are enjoying this end-of-year moving out moment.

When things like this happen, it can be both infuriating and discouraging.

You are enraged at someone you absolutely adore.

And on top of it all, you might think you shouldn’t be so angry, you should relax a little, right?

This is an interesting place for inquiry.

I need to stop being angry, I really should. Nothing can be done anyway. 

Is that true?

Long ago when I was really into my first two years of doing The Work I was doing what felt like the same worksheet over and over again on a man. Don’t get me started!

I asked Byron Katie how to get over it. “I’m still so angry!” I told her.

She said “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

Oh! It’s normal to feel anger? Oh!

Anger rises, in this human being. Nothing wrong with it, it is part of reality.

The way I react when I think I should NOT be angry, when I am, feels like an inner ongoing battle.

Hold it in, don’t express.

But who would you be without that thought that this energy called anger is unacceptable?

Feeling it, freely.

Noticing I don’t start calling anyone names, I’m not killing anyone, I don’t need to overeat or drink or smoke (these don’t even occur to me in fact). I’m simply on fire and watching fears and inconveniences and reality collide within.

And below it, the whole entire time, seeing everything is absolutely wonderfully OK….even amusing.

In the truck, later, I say to my son “this will be really funny story later on.”

He leans his head on my shoulder and says “sorry mom, I won’t ever do that again.”

I turn the thought around: I don’t need to stop being angry, and I shouldn’t (until I am). Anything can be done (it’s not hopeless).

Some time between the discovery of the unpacked room and an hour and a half later driving away with a fully packed truck, the anger dissolved.

The energy had been used perfectly for moving fast, furiously, lifting, carrying, jogging down the hall, in and out, holding doors, piling boxes.

Feeling how strong I am.

“I’ve found that the truth of who we are can and does use all the emotions. Anger is an energy that can be used in a wise way. Mostly we experience anger out of divisiveness, a battle between two opposing forces. But one can experience anger that comes from wholeness rather than division. Once you’ve experienced it, you know the difference. We don’t need that energy very often, but when it’s needed, it will come.” ~ Adyashanti

Resting in whatever is happening, now, and noticing how amazing it all is, even in the middle of hot frustration, is so exciting.

And it’s the truth of who you are. Noticing all is well, no matter what.

Even if you got all pissed off about something.

Halleluia.

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

Happiness Is Giving Up How They Should Change

A long time ago I had a male friend who was super quiet. Very shy.

I had the thought from time to time that he was too passive and dweeby.

The other day I was reading a sweet book called The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry by Rachel Joyce.

The main character is an unassuming man, quiet, very careful, teetotaler, risk-averse. You’d probably call him shy. British and contained.

I’ve always loved many things about this type of character, having spent time in England as a child. I was born in London. (I’m a British citizen even though you wouldn’t know it from my accent. I sounded British when I was seven though).

But as I was reading, I also noticed a few memories surface.

Of my dad, of course…..and then spreading on from that original implant or impression to other men with that stereotypical personality of reservedness.

He should stop being so freakin’ careful, for crying out loud!

He should speak the truth, look up, not be afraid of confrontation, say no when he means it, say yes when he means it, ask for what he needs, pursue what he wants!

God, what a waste of time being careful and holding BACK!!!

Oh. (Clearing throat).

Got carried away for a second. Apparently this gentle character in the story I’m reading set me off into memory-ville about my long lost friend…and my dad…and other men I’ve known.

Apparently there’s a pattern here.

These men should stop being so careful…is that true?

Why would I want that? What does it mean about them, about me, when I perceive them as too careful?

If someone keeps their thoughts and feelings bottled inside and is constantly frightened of confrontation, what’s really bad about that?

They would dissolve into nothingness, never make a difference, they would have a pointless life, they wouldn’t matter, they wouldn’t make an impact, or connect with others (or with me).

And why would THAT be a bad thing?

Because it feels disconnected, lost, distant, apathetic…

….unloving, uncaring.

Oh boy. We’re back to the old underlying belief “he doesn’t care about  me.”

Let’s take a look again today.

He or she doesn’t care about me.

Is that true?

Yes. If they cared, they’d be willing to reach out, stop caring so much about only themselves and how nervous they are, and relax for once. They’d take a stand. They’d talk, ask questions, respond, write, call, reach out.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that this character trait, this way of being (controlled emotions, careful, suppressed) is really bad? Are you sure it means someone doesn’t care?

No.

How do you react when you think someone should be bolder than they are, when they should spit it out, talk, or stop being shy or nervous?

Frustrated! Guilty! Furious! Demanding!

I’d be like Harold’s son in the story I’m reading. Angry and disgusted.

I growl. It’s really not that fun.

So who would you be without the belief that those people should stop being so careful? And show they care?

Something gentle happens inside.

Letting everyone be exactly the way they are. Doing what they do, acting like that, so proper and controlled and withholding or whatever.

I see how kind and patient they are. Willing to not know, to be confused, to wait. I see how much they care, and also that it doesn’t matter really, if they care or if they don’t.

Turning the thoughts around: those men should not stop that way of being, they should be just as they are. I am the one who should stop being careful and withholding, who should show how much I care about them.

Instead of feeling critical, I might notice what I appreciate about them.

I should care about myself, and if I desire speaking up, then do it.

I should express, feel, show, be who I am without hesitation, without controlling myself, without fear, and with compassion.

“She doesn’t expect results, because she has no future. She realizes the efficiency, the necessity of the way of it, how full it is, how rich, beyond any concept she could have of what it should be. In that realization her life is always renewed. She herself is the way of it, always opening to what comes, always contented.” ~ Byron Katie

If I am always open to what comes…and here comes the uptight nervous proper one…I can give him a big huge hug because I notice he is so adorable, so tender, soft, easy, patient, concerned, and thoughtful.

He is strong, resilient, direct and simple, loving and caring. That’s also true.

Today I live the amends to my father, loving the quiet sweet men I have in my life who are so brilliant, yielding and open.

Noticing the support they’ve given.

“Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

Standing On Your Own Two Feet

Year of Inquiry Master Mind Program (YOI) is beginning in September. It’s not open for registration yet, but I’ve started getting a lot of questions about it.

YOI is a whole year of doing The Work with a group primarily via phone/skype, meeting in person for a weekend retreat in our first month together (Sept 19-21) and then again for five days in May 2015 in Seattle.

This is deep practice of The Work for twelve months. We show up. We contemplate. We support one another. You do your work by answering the four questions.

There is no teacher except yourself and your fellow guides on the journey. I am here to share my experience and to facilitate The Work.

Your mind is the investigated and investigator. And through this, you see who you are without your beliefs.

(It’s really good).

I used to feel terrified to think of me all by myself being the only true teacher. I wasn’t sure that was such a good idea.

Little me? Seriously? The one who screws up, makes mistakes, and feels frightened? But I’m not substantive enough!

Being the wise center of my own reality sounded way too….SMALL.

Surely, this person who is me is not enough….this person seems so insignificant, so temporary, so unaccomplished, like something’s missing.

There are other teachers who are so much more advanced, powerful, visionary, confident, peaceful, divine, awakened.

So I kept going to hang out with them.

And then something happened. I realized all my favorite teachers were saying the very same thing.

Love yourself, unconditionally. You are the one you’ve been waiting for. Enlightenment is standing on your own two feet.

“Stop trying to have someone else’s experience. Stop chasing freedom or happiness, or even spiritual enlightenment. Stand in your own shoes, and examine closely: What’s happening right here and right now? Is it possible to let go of trying to make anything happen?” ~ Adyashanti

One of the most significant ways to enter yourself and feel what’s happening now, and let go of trying to capture something, is to stop taking your troubled thinking so seriously. How can you do this?

Question your thinking, of course. Question everything.

Do The Work as a practice, a process of enlightening yourself one story at a time.

“When it is time to get up, you get up. Not one second too early or too late. There are two ways to lie there, or get up. One is in peace, and one is in stress. We stand, we sit, we lie horizontal. Everything else is just a story. Stories are wonderful, unless they become nightmares. A nightmare is anything that frightens you, the war with what is.” ~ Byron Katie

If you are wanting to practice the glorious experience of questioning your nightmares, or anything that frightens you (even a tiny bit) you can start right now.

You are enough, all by yourself, to see your stories and question your thinking. And if you’re in a hurry, connect with others to do it.

If it brings you joy to imagine support in this process, if you’d like to connect with your inner world and sincere inquirers, committed to doing it together, then maybe Year Of Inquiry (YOI) is for you.

This is not a support group, although you will find immense support….it is about questioning your reality, when it hurts.
Perhaps the most powerful thing you can ever do to change your world.
Registration for YOI will open later in the summer, but it will be limited–only 12 people per telegroup (there are two groups, Tuesday mornings and Thursday late afternoons Pacific Time).


To read more about it, click HERE.

I can’t wait to meet you.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

If That Feeling Could Talk

It’s uncanny the power of the mind to deflect, go unconscious, blank out or skip like an error in a recording, just for a quick second.

Even though it’s so brilliant, smart, and fast as lightening…..we’ll say things like “it slipped my mind” or “I don’t know what came over me” or “suddenly I felt really creeped out (or smitten) for no apparent reason” or “it makes no sense, I did it anyway”.

Unconsciousness is defined in modern psychology as a part of the mind that is inaccessible to the conscious mind but still affects how you’re acting and feeling.

If you do something unconsciously, it’s like you did it without planning it, without intent, it was being directed by some other zone in your mind rather than upfront logic or conscious awareness.

And it was odd or unusual….it’s sort of mysterious.

Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung loved studying this “unconscious” mind, they were basically the founders of using the term in this particular way we all know now.

Back stories, missing puzzle pieces of why we act weird or feel bad.

Or why we’re addicted. To craving, or wanting, or love.

One huge and powerful advantage of doing The Work for me personally has been the way it draws out unconscious dredge, maybe from long ago, and brings it to light for examination.

And as these things are seen….the process of unconscious reactions in any form falls away.

“If you’re upset and you can’t seem to find the thought behind the emotions, try this: Take some time to travel inwardly to the place where the feeling is most intense. Sink into the physical sensation of the feeling. Let yourself be upset, for your own sake, and give it a voice. If the feeling could talk, what would it say?” ~ Byron Katie

Here’s an example.

Let’s say someone sort of disturbs you, even though you don’t know them all that well. Or the reverse, you’re fascinated by someone and feel compelled to hang around them as much as possible, like a groupie crush or something.

Hold that person in your mind, and see them doing what they do that you find repulsive or mesmerizing. Sometimes, this is a flash of a picture, it goes by so fast.

Blow it up big. Let it talk.

In an exercise class I took for awhile several years ago, there was a guy who was really handsome and really quiet.

He appeared melancholy and brooding. Strong and tough looking, with sideburns.

Kinda edgy like….dangerous. I pictured going out for drinks with him, even though I hardly ever drank alcohol much anymore.

(Retroactive clue).

I wrote out my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the image of that man.

My Judge Your Neighbor worksheet contained these following stressful thoughts:

I am nervous around that guy because he’s intense, foreboding, dark and mysterious.

I want him to talk to me, but gently. I want to get to know him.

He should stop brooding or acting all stormy and rough. He should lighten up. He should be more open.

I need him to be interested in me. I need him to be happy. I need him to be sincere, loving, direct, spiritual, mature, and clear.

He’s been hurt, he’s cautious, a fighter, violent, funny, uptight.

I don’t ever want him to kill or hurt me, anyone else, or himself.

Yes, even though I didn’t know his name, I had feelings and thoughts popping all over the place about this man in the corner.

I noticed….I’ve had curiosity and interest about some of the same qualities in Other Men before.

Gosh, what a coincidence.

I took a look at the most disturbing qualities: brooding and dark.Like he was hungry for connection, but haunted at the same time.

He should be more open, relaxed, mature. Not haunted. 

Is it true?

Yah I’m pretty sure that would be better all around.

Can you absolutely know this is true, for sure?

No. I’m not even sure he is NOT open, relaxed and mature. I’m definitely assuming a lot.

How do you react when you think someone should be more relaxed, grown up, open? What would you have if they were like that? What would it mean?

How I react is I’m waiting, wondering, hoping, hyped-up. I think it would be awesome, when I actually have NO IDEA. I think it would mean all is well and….

….suddenly I get the picture in my head of my dad being depressed, sad, staring out the window at the sky. Not saying much.

If only he were happy, everything would be OK. A very insidious unsettled worry would finally be resolved. I wouldn’t feel so separated.

Who would I be without that belief, that he should be open, or that he isn’t?

I wouldn’t assume he isn’t approachable, or forlorn, or feeling lost or sad. How would I know? Jeezus.

Plus, it’s not exactly any of my business.

If I just landed here from another planet, and felt perfectly content and excited to explore, I would breathe deeply and relax, and notice everyone, not just the brooders in this situation.

“The truth of your being doesn’t crave happiness; it could actually care less. It doesn’t crave love, not because you are so full of love, but because it just doesn’t crave love. It’s very simple. It doesn’t seek to be known, regarded highly, or understood. When you’re living what you are in an awakened way, there’s no ideal for you anymore. You’ve stepped off the entire cycle of suffering, of becoming; you’re not interested.” ~ Adyashanti

Turning the thoughts around: I should be more open, relaxed and mature…when it comes to that man in the corner…when it comes to my dad.

Those men should be exactly as they are, nothing is absent, nothing is required, no improvement necessary.

Wow, now that is different. Very, very different.

No tendrils of energy reaching out over to there, no grasping, no waiting, no hoping, no fingers-crossed, no wishing.

“I stopped waiting for the world to give me what I wanted. I started giving it to myself instead.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice what I wanted from my dad…connection, conversation, honesty, laughter, joy, guidance, no need for addictive thinking…and I begin to discover it inside myself.

And with this work, looking clearly, looking carefully, I notice one day….oh. No more brooding, haunted, sad men in my life.

Or was it me who changed?

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

Do You Think Someone Should Speak Up?

Yesterday morning a wonderful group of sincere inquirers called in to Summer Camp teleconference to question their stressful thinking.

The painful concept that appeared on someone’s worksheet was that someone they love should speak up.

I could relate immediately.

Have you ever had the thought that someone you care about should speak up? Say it? Stand up? Drop the quiet thing and ask for what they need?

Oh boy. I’ve had this moment with one of my kids, with a very good friend, with my dad…..and with myself.

I’ve even had people in my past say this to me, like….dang, you should give him a piece of your mind, you should tell her off, you should stand up for yourself!!!

But what every inquirer noticed in our group was that when you believe it to be true, and it’s not happening, you feel aggressive about it, frustrated, annoyed, pushy, anxious….

….and something about the whole desire for someone to speak up feels off.

You are against that person being as they are, all mute and quiet over there.

Some people feel that without the belief that speaking up should happen, then they would lose, be passive, be crushed, or be used.

It’s really helpful to ask yourself why speaking up needs to happen, from you or anyone. (And then you could ask yourself also why speaking up is frightening, if it is.)

But let’s look at that other person right now, who should speak up.

I once had a really great friend in college who was super crazy shy. Funny enough, he was also a performer, so he was on stage often. He rocked the house in theater.

But when stuff happened in his personal life, and he needed to make a request or state his point of view….he got really mumbling nervous and careful and hesitant.

He should speak up! Gawd! Spit it out!

Is it true?

Oh. Well. I’m not sure, truth be told. There could be good reasons why not talking is helpful, or waiting to speak is a calmer idea.

No, I guess it’s not true.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

Frustrated! Critical! I roll my eyes and don’t want to deal with him. I feel separate, and superior (yikes). Inside my head I’m noticing what a dorkish, weak, pathetic person he is. I think he’ll never get anywhere in life, even if he’s a good actor on stage.

Kind of intense!

But who would I be without the thought, in the presence of that person who should speak up?

A huge weight lifts off my chest, out of my heart. I feel lighter, relaxed. I notice the dearness of that person and how gentle they are, so willing to wait, be soft with words. Maybe they are confused, and yet they don’t fight or push.

I see someone doing their best, who has a different idea than me about what should be said.

I turn the thought around: he should not speak up, I should speak up to him, I should speak up to myself.

I sit with these turnarounds and look for examples.

What I wanted with this speaking up business was for him to be happy and content. Maybe he’s already happy and content, without speaking up.

Silence is pretty awesome, that’s for sure.

Oh, and perhaps since I’m the one taking notice of speaking up, I could open a conversation myself, kindly, about what I’m seeing….with my friend.

Ultimately, could I be yearning for some kind of speaking up to happen inside MOI?

Yes, I could stop speaking poorly about myself, I could stop chattering away at what I did or did not do well, I could notice how much I love that quiet non-speaking friend, child, or parent.

I could see how much happiness and contentment is present here, inside me, inside that other person, whether speaking happens or not.

Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.~ Miguel Angel Ruiz 

Today I notice how gentle I feel towards all those sweet people who didn’t speak up confidently, and how gentle I feel towards myself for not speaking up confidently when I thought I should.

“True words aren’t eloquent; eloquent words aren’t true. Wise men don’t need to prove their point; men who need to prove their point aren’t wise….The Tao nourishes by not forcing. By not dominating, the Master leads.” ~ Tao Te Ching #81

Much love, Grace