Tag: adyashanti

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Compared To Me….Your Situation Is

It is C*R*A*Z*Y how much the mind loves to compare.

Sometimes it seems to be in constant motion, holding up two or more scenarios and picking which one it likes best.

We compare that person’s situation to our own situation, and the neighbors situation, and the people we knew ten years ago and their situation, and our mother’s situation, and our siblings’ situations.

When someone tells us that they are having a hard time, our mind scans the files we have, memories, seeing if it can relate.

We’ll start to say, whether out loud or inwardly; “oh, yes, I had a friend who had that disease once….who got married like that….I myself was in a similar accident….there was the time a member of my family also had….I encountered that too…”

It’s almost an automatic way to relate to others, to refer back to what WE have heard and experienced and learned and believed that is similar to what they’re telling us.

The other day in a waiting room I heard one woman say to another that her aunt had died.

The one who was listening to the news of the aunt’s death began saying “oh that is so terrible, so hard…oh dear. The caregiver must not have anything to do now, that is probably a big loss in the caregiver’s life. Oh how terrible..”

There was  a lot of humming and ooo-ing and there-there-ing, and awwww-how-sad in between the words.

The other woman, whose aunt had died, said, after a pause…“um, well, no, the caregiver is actually quite happy that my aunt is now free from being sick, and happy that she herself is free from having to be the caretaker!”

The one who had been ooohing and ahhhing about the death sort of said “oh!” with surprise.

I smiled at over-hearing the assumption made, and then the correction of the assumption.

Sometimes we get corrected in our views, which is one version of having our beliefs questioned, in a very simple way…..

Someone tells us!

But here’s the tricky thing I notice about comparison…..

….it’s a lot more intense, sort of crucial and painful and deep, based on how much stress we are feeling about our situation.

We might start to compare our lives to other people who have it better.

We lose our income, our house burns down, our partner leaves…..

….and our friends who have just won the lottery, built a new house, or gotten married produce a sort of frosty feeling inside us when we’re with them and they are talking about their good fortunes.

Ooops. Comparison has descended.

I look worse off than they do. Uh oh. Cry!!!

Too bad, in these situations, someone can’t come in and just tell us that we’re off, that we’re not seeing things clearly, and that we’re making assumptions that really aren’t true.

But wait! We DO have a signal, actually, that tells us we’re not seeing things clearly!

It’s called STRESS. An uncomfortable feeling. Resistance. Upset.

When I ran out of all my money, and then had bills, and a mortgage and no way to pay it, I was soooooo terrified and depressed.

I felt down, fatigued, and yet couldn’t sleep well. I was doing The Work and looking at my beliefs as if my life depended on it (it did).

I would feel calm and serene, and realize that I was breathing and fine even though my financial life was like the Titanic sinking. I would realize I was absolutely OK.

And then…..I would go on a walk.

About 3 blocks from my street was the edge of a gorgeous lane. The neighborhood suddenly became lakeside real estate.

Lush gardens, well-tended and plush mansions, boats, docks, automobiles of the highest calibre, marble statues.

My ears had fumes coming out of both sides within twenty minutes of the walk.

How did THESE people do it? Why were THEY getting so much? Why didn’t I have an estate on the lake?

What was I doing wrong? 

By comparison…..they are SO MUCH BETTER.

Stop.

Inquiry time. This is called aggravation, envy, angst, agony. Comparison.

Who would I be without the thought that what I am seeing means something about me?

What if I don’t need to relate or understand or have a similar experience or “get” exactly what they did….in order to be happy?

I might quit comparing, and perhaps even see things with new, fresh eyes.

I noticed that as I walked down the street, without the thought that they had it better and I was lacking something…..

…..I was walking through a most amazing world.

It was like Alice in Wonderland, a magical bounty of vision everywhere: trees, sky, sidewalk, cars, wood, glass, colors, views, fountains, art, ornaments…..

……all right here, in my world, in my awareness.

Nothing missing, nothing gone or absent that “should” be there (for me) but instead a whole universe jam-packed with beauty everywhere.

Even though I was perceiving myself in that moment as not “owning” or having the same kinds of things.

Perhaps no comparison was necessary in order to be intimately connected with whatever was going on around me, or with whoever I was talking with.

No need to find common experience or common ground, no need to see them as separate or better.

Without busily comparing everything to Me and My Experience, a great relaxation occurs.

What a cute little mind, so busy busy busy constantly checking in to see if this body/person is doing OK, by comparison.

“One must be willing to stand alone-in the unknown, with no reference to the known or the past or any of one’s conditioning. One must stand where no one has stood before in complete nakedness, innocence, and humility. One must stand in that dark light, in that groundless embrace, unwavering and true to the reality beyond all self–not just for a moment, but forever without end. For then that which is sacred, undivided, and whole is born within consciousness and begins to express itself.” ~ Adyashanti 

Without measuring and comparing myself to everything and everyone else, the amount of money I have, the amount of attention I have, the amount of enlightenment I have is totally and completely unimportant.

And it can’t be measured. Everything starts to blur together.

There is enough of everything.

Freedom!

“Basically without comparison, you have a happy life in every moment.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Time To Really Care About Money

Money.

What a lot of beliefs about one single topic! Where do we even begin?

This morning I was sitting on my pretty cream-colored leather sofa with my laptop, the little cottage quiet and cool in the dawn summer morning.

For many years, I sat on an ugly, torn, tan, ragged sofa in the very same spot.

It would hurt my left hip, because my butt sank so low into the crevas between the back and the seat, I practically sank through to the floor.

I grew up with that old couch. I believe my parents purchased it in the late 60s. It used to have a matching couch, but that one broke during a potluck gathering dinner about 15 years ago.

One of my friends, a guest, sat down and the couch caved in to the ground.

But I didn’t get rid of the second one! I couldn’t afford a new couch!

The gorgeous cream-colored couch I sit on now I bought six months ago.

I have carried many very painful beliefs about money, about buying things, selling things, selling services, trading money for fun, storing money, saving money, accessing money.

And over time (it’s taken a few years, ahem) I have felt myself getting lighter and lighter and freer and more thrilled and more excited about money…whether its in my hand (or my bank account) or not.

The reason it took me so very long to buy a new couch to sit on related to a huge pile of unpleasant and unquestioned and opposing beliefs.

If you had asked me, I might not have been able to even tell you these beliefs were present.

I had to undo them like peeling an onion. And yes, it made me cry. I have spent a lot of time worried, unhappy, and depressed about money.

I created for myself a lot of sadness and anxiety.

Here were many of my beliefs:

  • its very hard to get, earn, find, acquire money
  • I don’t have anything worth trading for money
  • I can do without….its almost easier, then no terror of losing money
  • when people (maybe me) get loads of money, they become selfish, greedy, sick, unspiritual, ruthless, anxious, and bossy
  • men like women who don’t want money or things that cost money….and since I like men, its dangerous to want money
  • when I have no money, I have no power
  • when I have no power, I don’t get to choose, decide, live, or be how I really want to be
  • I must work and not be picky about it
  • everything that is wonderful costs money
  • I can’t live an opulent, luxurious, rich, interesting life without lots of money
  • my life with money is a huge disappointment

It is very painful to believe these thoughts…it meant for me that life couldn’t be fun without money, and since money was too hard to acquire, that life couldn’t be fun.

My attitude was to make do, survive, and ignore money.

Like it was the crazy uncle who might be dangerous, so better stay away. Don’t ask too many questions.

Danger!

One of the first times I really sat with money and what it truly meant to me, I had so many images in my head I was confused.

It was like I had a huge committee screaming totally opposing ideas, solutions to this Great Problem of Money.

I began, however, with the first thought that I wrote down.

“I am upset about Money because I need more of it.”

I then asked myself the four questions, doing The Work.

Is it true that I need more money?

Are you kidding me? Have you seen my bank statement? I only have ten dollars left to my name!

But in that exact moment, sitting quietly, did I need more money?

Did I have enough food to eat? Yes. Did I have air to breathe? Yes.

I even had an old used car, a cute cottage, clothes, a whole kitchen with silverware and pots and pans and an oven.

But I need more money in order to have fun, to feel secure and safe, to feel at home, to feel comfortable, abundant, stable, peaceful, confident, powerful!

Was that actually true?

Was having more money the way to get these things?

Wow. No. I could experience any of these emotional states by questioning my thinking, by simply noticing that they were present.

All these elements were alive and breathing all around me, in most creative and interesting and mysterious ways: safety was here, security, stability, comfort, abundance, confidence, power, peace.

I could find examples of every single thing, how all of this was here, now, in this amazing moment called Now.

I began to look at the opposites of all that I believed, and try them on, just to investigate. I found concrete, genuine examples for every turnaround here, that I knew to be true already:

  • its very easy to get, earn, find, acquire money. Gosh, come to think of it, I’ve had about 50 jobs in my lifetime.
  • I have an infinite amount of ideas, service, creativity, skill, experience worth trading for money
  • I can do with or without, there is no fear necessary either way, I need not be concerned with any future
  • when people (maybe me) get loads of money, they become generous, giving, healthy, spiritual, discerning, calm, and easy-going
  • money has nothing to do with relationship unless you believe ancient thoughts that have been passed along for generations
  • when I have no money, I have lots of power: I am focused, clear, I know what my priority is, I feel determined!
  • when I have no power, I get set free to surrender into being how I really want to be
  • I do not ever have to work, and I can be picky about it in an exciting way and adjust, ask for, and explore what I like
  • everything that is wonderful does not have anything to do with money
  • I can live an opulent, luxurious, rich, interesting life without lots of money
  • my life with money is a huge teacher and success

Finally, I realized that I could go to a luxurious furniture store, with a lovely salesman, and smell the beautiful leather, and notice the colors, the styles, the artistic design, the beauty of all the play and energy that went into making every piece of furniture there.

I could find out how much my favorite sofa cost, and realize that I could come up with that much money because of all my ease, relaxation, inquiry and peace around every dollar that came and went through my life.

I said yes to questioning my troubling beliefs about money, and when I said yes to listening to these thoughts, and spent time with them….money started showing up much more often.

“Authentic inquiry is allowing yourself to care, to take on the weightless burden of caring. Everyone knows what it’s like to inquire out of intellectual interest–asking for the sake of asking or because you think you should. This is not caring. When you care about something, it gets inside of you. It gets inside the shell that keeps you from being affected or bothered, the shell that keeps anything really new from happening.” ~ Adyashanti

If you’re wanting support to question your beliefs about work, money, business and earning….if you want something new to happen….then come join our group next Thursday, July 11th, 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific time for 8 weeks. Click HERE to register.

If you need some scholarship help, write and ask me: grace@workwithgrace.com

Love, Grace

Dear Grace,

Thank you. A year ago you gave me a discounted place on one of your business courses. I went into it open minded but not exactly sure what (if any) impact it would have.

At the very outset of the course I remember you saying that we should deal with whatever will stop us from fully participating in the course.

That simple challenge meant it was the first course that I have taken that I completely participated in (and I have taken a lot of courses).

I am still working with my issues around money, however in terms of my business…

… it doubled within a year of taking the course.

Working with you was a major consciousness shift.

It was a brilliant and worthwhile investment on many levels.

Thank you for your valuable work – and very welcome grace notes.

~ JC, Kenya  

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The Fabulous Discovery of Not Being Special

Quick News: There is room in teleclass Earning Money, starting Thursday 5:15 pm Pacific, on diving in to the stressful beliefs about money, work, and business. Click here to read about it and register.

Here’s a beautiful note I received from a participant from this class:

Dear Grace,
Thank you. 
A year ago you gave me a discounted place on one of your business courses. I went into it open minded but not exactly sure what (if any) impact it would have.At the very outset of the course I remember you saying that we should deal with whatever will stop us from fully participating in the course. That simple challenge meant it was the first course that I have taken that I completely participated in (and I have taken a lot of courses).
I am still working with my issues around money however in terms of my business.... it doubled within a year of taking the course. Working with you was a major consciousness shift. It was a brilliant and worthwhile investment on many levels. Thank you for your valuable work – and very welcome grace notes. ~ Earning Money teleclass participant 2012

********

Other than upcoming teleclasses, this morning I am thinking about my recent travel. And being special (not).

Traveling by airplane is very, very bizarre, when you really think about it.

We humans can get on a big airplane that holds several hundred people, like an entire waiting room jam packed full, and all their bags and boxes, and the tubular unit (the jet) takes off into the sky and flies half way around the world at 30,000 feet.

That is sooooo bizarre.

Now, I am back in cool, gray Seattle, Washington where I normally apparently live. It’s morning here, and evening in Bali.

My brain is a little groggy.

My thoughts go something like this:

  • I should sleep all night without waking up
  • I wish I felt better physically, as in, energetic, well-rested, spunky!
  • My body has a life of its own…it seems confused about the hour of the day….and I don’t like it!
  • I wanted to be special and not have Jet Lag!

Ha! I want to be special!

One of my all-time favorite repetitive concepts, that I really don’t like to confess or mention, is all about being special.

This idea can appear just about anywhere.

It appears often for many humans in primary relationships, family situations, then work situations, creative endeavors, the urge to be “known” or  perhaps “famous”, loved, adored, special around health, time…you name it.

It’s a little embarrassing to admit having the idea “I am special”.

The mind has a voice that says “You are soooo special. You are not like all other people. Just look! You are clever! You are successful! You are an amazing manifester! You look young for your age! You’re a good athlete! You are quite a unique talent! You don’t even get Jet Lag! WOW!”

I call that the Pumper-Upper Voice. It gives assurance and pep talks and cheer-leading speeches, in an effort to feel relief, or dissolve worry, or deny that there is fear present about being ordinary, just like all other humans.

That voice that gets interested in being special is comparing yourself to everyone and everything else. It’s like there’s a huge gigantic competition, and where you fit in the percentiles actually matters.

That voice enjoys feeling like you might have a leg-up, part of an elite group, an outlier, lucky, a hard-worker….special.

Often in primary love relationships, we get very caught in thinking we are special because the other person thinks we’re special and we think they are special….specialness all around.

But no.

It’s the very same flip-side thinking as comparing yourself to others and to the universe and finding yourself lacking, less-than, worse-off by comparison.

I have a body, just like everyone else does. It is actually nothing special.

Neither is my mind, my journey, my relationships, my life experience.

The thing is, “getting” this idea at a most deep level (and we all really do get this)….that I am mediocre and ordinary and just like everyone else…can be the most wonderful, liberating, extraordinary thing.

Nothing to brace against, nothing to push towards, nothing to strive for. Simply alive, living this moment, being here….tired and knowing very little, not having any answers, on my way to death eventually.

Not trying to feel pumped, or encouraged, or bolstered up or full of big accomplishments as opposed to tired, normal, middle-aged (or whatever age you are) person.

Allowing everything about yourself to be as it is, without wishing it to be different, and without giving yourself a gold star either for accomplishment.

“Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world.” ~ Pema Chodron

If right now, today, you loosen the grip of wishing you were something other than what you are, no matter how tiny the thoughts (like “I wish I wasn’t jet-lagged” or “I wish I had more money”) and see who you would be without the thought….you may have an inspiring, extraordinary, awesome feeling of relaxation.

No big deal.

If you let go of the complaints, you let go also of the compliments, the strutting, the feeling of control or better-ness or having a special spin on things…..and it’s really OK.

It’s more than OK, it’s so ordinary and sweet, without needing anything to be different….that it feels amazing.

Who would you be without the thought that you are special, different, exceptional, admired, or that it would be better if you were?

“The funny thing about enlightenment is that when it is authentic, there is no one to claim it. Enlightenment is very ordinary; it is nothing special. Rather than making you more special, it is going to make you less special. It plants you right in the center of a wonderful humility and innocence. Everyone else may or may not call you enlightened, but when you are enlightened the whole notion of enlightenment and someone who is enlightened is a big joke. ” ~ Adyashanti

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Due to great interest, I will likely start a Fall Group for the One Year Program of Inquiry on Thursday evenings Pacific Time (a different time option) beginning in September. I so love the joy people are drawn to in creating a group community sangha to investigate their stressful beliefs together for a whole year. Click here to read all about it.

P.P.S Two spaces left in Horrible Food Wonderful Food—join us on Tuesdays!

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The Truth About Hiding Dirty Mental Laundry

Yesterday I shared the TOP 4 healing elements that offered me peace from the extremely compulsive way of thinking, and ACTING, that I used to engage in from time to time.

Well, OK, that I engaged in almost constantly.

I must confess, my mind still works at warp speed quite a bit of the time.

It’s not like I’ve stopped thinking. I see images, pictures, and scenarios either that I make up for the future, or that already happened in the past.

I have sounds or smells or voices pop into my consciousness. I have memories or visions come to mind in an instant. I experience uncomfortable feelings.

Even when I’m meditating sometimes, the mind sometimes has endless commentary.

But there is something very, very different about my experience that is hard to describe….and feels much easier than it once felt.

And often, it feels wondrous, alive, accepting, or joyful.

I think Byron Katie puts it best when she says that she thinks thoughts, but doesn’t BELIEVE them.

The second step that I mentioned yesterday, out of those top four components to healing a troubling relationship with “x” (you fill in the blank for yourself) was revealing my innermost thoughts and feelings to fellow companions in total honesty…NO HIDING or running away.

This is big. Pretty scary for just about everyone.

It’s exposing your dirty laundry! EEEGADS!

Thoughts about telling the truth of how we really feel…to OTHER PEOPLE…even thoughts ABOUT those other people right to their face…yikes, that can feel so incredibly frightening!

It’s like you know you’re not being utterly and truly honest, and you have questions, concerns, fears, or observations. You can ignore it or hold it in for longer, or you can bring it up.

NO! Not bring it UP! I don’t want to talk about it to that person! They’ll hate me! They’ll get angry!

I’ve got to show CLEAN laundry! Pretty laundry! Presentable laundry!

They’ll think I’m mean, selfish, rude! They’ll yell at me, or leave the room and slam the door, or ask for a divorce, or get super scared and run into the street screaming for help!

They’ll tell everyone they know, and everyone I know, what a nasty person I am that I mentioned this hurtful thing, that I asked for what I wanted, or that I spoke of my feelings.

Then MORE people will think I’m horrible than just that person to whom I told the truth of how I felt. News will spread and I’ll be rejected and no one will want to be my friend.

EVER AGAIN!

A war will start! Either a small personal emotional war, or WWIII.

“If I tell what I’m thinking OUT LOUD, then the other person(s) will suffer—and then I will suffer—and nothing good will come of it.”

That’s a belief. It can be questioned.

I remember hearing encouragement from various healing practitioners to tell the truth. The whole truth.

But I thought what I was thinking was so YUCKY and HORRID. I should be ashamed of myself just having these thoughts.

Early on, when doing The Work at my first school, I edited one of my worksheets when reading it out loud to my facilitator. I could read most of it but not THAT sentence.

The facilitator might judge me and be disgusted!

So let’s begin….is it true that if I tell the truth about my inner feelings and thoughts that some person, or people, will suffer or be repulsed?

Can I know for sure that it would be better to zip it? Can I know that if it hurts someone’s feelings, I should not speak it?

No.

OK, they might feel hurt. But can I know this is bad, in the great big scheme of things? Do I really have control of other peoples’ feelings?

No.

When I believe the thought that I should always keep quiet lest my words or feelings disturb someone else….then I become plastic. I become false. Energy gets stuck inside. I look nice on the outside, and feel angry, tormented, sad, or very anxious on the inside.

“Can you understand how the mind has a plan? You’re planning to fear war that isn’t even going on….but I invite you to wait for the real war, and live in a state of grace.” ~ Byron Katie

When I question my worried thoughts about revealing myself honestly, then I can breathe, and share myself.

I can write a worksheet that has EVERYTHING in it I ever imagined saying, and then NOT EDIT it when I’m reading it out loud to a facilitation partner.

What a relief.

And speaking these terrible thoughts, or wonderful thoughts, out loud and exposing them, and me….I actually become more accepting and loving.

Less afraid of war. And laundry.

I actually start getting excited about telling the truth. Even if it’s terrifying and I know that the person I speak it to might leave, or judge, or feel uncomfortable.

I do NOT know, absolutely, that what I am saying is “wrong”. I do not have an internal war going on before I even talk out loud. I don’t have a plan, or an idea to force things to move in a certain direction.

I don’t have an Outcome all worked out. I am open to going with the flow of the universe.

“What would it be like if we didn’t avoid anything we knew to be true? What if we came out of hiding in all areas of our life? What if we stopped avoiding ourselves completely? Because that really is the awakened life.” ~ Adyashanti

If you’re wanting to tell your secrets, to confess, to tell the truth, to listen, to come out of hiding, and to not run….then doing The Work can be one of the most sincere ways to begin.

With The Work, it may feel scary, but you are getting real with what’s going on in your own mind. You write down your most troubling thoughts, and get facilitated on them.

It may feel terrifying…but it’s worth it. It can bring you into an awakened life.

Note: Two 8 week teleclasses start in June to question your stressful thoughts about FOOD (Tuesday 5:15 Pacific 6/11) and also MONEY (Thursdays 5:15 Pacific 6/13). And of course the incredible One Year Program of diving in together starts June 11th (only two spots left for that).

If you’re called, come join us! Your truth deserves to be set free out in the open….so do you.

Much love, Grace

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A One Year Program Starts In April

Today just a quick announcement to say that I’ll finally be offering a program I’ve been thinking and dreaming about for many years:

A One Year Program For The Addictive Mind

A small group will join together to do The Work of Byron Katie on all the topics, thoughts, and beliefs that create stress in our lives.

All the pain that creates addiction, whether it is to a substance, an activity, relationships, or MORE thinking.

We’ll work on the same general topics together every month, meeting via teleconference, and there will be two in-person residential retreats as a part of the program.

Can you imagine having a group meet in this powerful way to question every part of the thinking that results in compulsive behavior, more compulsive thinking, and sadness, anger, or anxiety?

I really can’t wait!

Tentative start date is April Fools Day (the best!) with the teleconferences. Retreats will be in September 2013 and March 2014.

Many more details to follow on my website in the next few weeks…I’ll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, if you’re suffering because you’re addicted to your story, you can’t stop thinking and thinking, you can’t stop whatever it is you do that hurts….

You can do The Work right now, in this moment by asking yourself if it is true, that thing you’re thinking. Is it absolutely 100% true beyond a shadow of a doubt?

“If we really address the whole issue of suffering, as well as our desire and yearning for freedom, love and connection, then we need to learn how to look clearly at our own minds.”~Adyashanti

Love, Grace

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Lack of Creativity Is A Problem

This morning in our Monday teleclass Earning Money we had a most fascinating time looking at the concept of “creativity”.

Many of us will believe that we need MORE of it, this thing called creativity: If I had more creativity, I would be more interesting, more attractive, and more wealthy.

Some people in the class thought of creativity as having the capacity to make things, to sew, to do pottery, to paint. Some thought of it as writing a book. Some thought of it as having some great solution to a “problem”.

The definition of creative in the dictionary is “the use of imagination or original ideas, to transcend the usual patterns or rules, to cause something to come into being”.

The most painful part of thinking about creativity can be in comparing our own with others.

That person over there is making a much prettier painting than me. That woman used to wait tables in New York, but now she is Lady Gaga and I’m still nothing. All my friends can cook, sew, make gifts by hand, and I hate crafts. He built that house himself, my house is boring. They invented google in their garage, I have no ideas!

Thoughts about creativity are stressful when we believe that if we were more creative, we would have more, be more, or do more.

My life would be better if I had MORE of this thing, called creativity.

My lack of creativity is a problem!

But is this thing called creativity actually yours? And are you sure your life needs to be better…..and that creativity is the ticket?

What do we really mean by creativity anyway? Remember the definition? It means imagination, original ideas, transcending the usual norm….something unique is being expressed.

Isn’t that already what you are? A very entirely unique human being living a different life than was ever once lived or ever will be lived again? Aren’t you creativity in action?

What if what you are IS creativity….just the way you are? And what if the creativity that comes to you and springs out of you isn’t actually even yours? Did you cause it, or did it just seem to happen?

Who would you be without the thought that you need any more creativity, inventiveness or imagination than you have now?

Who would you be without the thought that what you are just isn’t enough?

The hilarious thing is when I sit with this idea of creativity and wishing for more….I realize how my mind has been constantly creating stories my whole life. And they aren’t all fun stories.

Boy, I can sure find the Turnaround to be true: I need LESS creativity!  Less of my stories about creativity.

“Coming to the end of suffering has to do with reality and truth, with what’s real as opposed to what’s not real, and valuing what’s actual instead of what’s imagined.” ~Adyashanti

What does it feel like to be OK with what is, right here, right now, the way you are?

Love, Grace

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I Am Nothing

People are fascinated with personality through assessments and tests, codes, types, definitions. Personality is defined as the qualities that form a distinctive character.

Your Enneagram number, your Myers-Briggs type indicator, your Attachment Type, your Love Language. I encountered many of these assessments in graduate school for Behavioral Science.

I often hear myself say to others that I am introverted by nature. I come out so extreme on this scale when taking some of the tests that it looks like I’m a recluse with very little interest in other people.

People exclaim “That can’t be true! You seem so extraverted!” (I love Henny Youngman’s quote: You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. Ha!)

In a wonderful way, these tests assist us to use language and words to say to someone “this is what I am like”. They create connection. Some context for discovering differences. There can be a shared fun of surprise, interest, curiosity.

These kinds of assessments can help people relate or understand one another. To communicate more authentically, honestly. They often help people feel more accepting of their loved ones. People share what they learn, what drew them to answer certain ways if they are taking a test or reviewing a series of Personality Types.

In the end, though, or should I say “from the very beginning”, there is all gray area. People shift and change. They are one way with one person, another way with someone else. They have tendencies but the pattern is never truly linear, consistent.

One really interesting thing to note about any personality assessment, any statement of How We Are, any answer to tests or questions, is that they are based only on the past. On the mind finding proof of moments, feelings, ways of behavior that “show” us that we were THAT way at one time. Before.

These assessments and tests are all about “me” in the world. However, I think why people are so drawn to them is that they put us into the Observing Mind.

When we are just sitting, observing, looking, remembering….we are not reacting as much. We are fairly neutral. There is less right and wrong. We’re summarizing, making notes, like scientists.

It’s like when we do The Work and start writing down our most painful thoughts, the ideas and beliefs coming out of our minds, getting them on paper. We’re not right in the middle of expressing our thoughts, reacting to them….we’re not in the middle of acting out our personalities.

What is REALLY interesting is when we begin to see beyond these categorizations…to ask “who am I?”

What is this “I” that appears to be so present, that is living out this life, concerned with itself, having its tendencies in certain directions, with its particular personality, apparently?

Not once, but two times, Adyashanti suggested to me directly, as he also does in his writings, to think about who “I” am.

Is it bigger than a bread box? Is it an energy ball? Is it a cluster of “thinking” or “feeling”? Is it this pattern of Introverted responses, that number 4 on the Enneagram, the zodiac sign Aquarius?

Adya said to me, when I started to have frustration about how to answer the question of who or what I am…“Quick! If you had to answer RIGHT NOW, who or what do you think you are?”

In a flash I saw a huge, wide, vast open space, like sky. Nothing there.

Rats.

It can be a little discouraging to realize that your story of yourself means nothing, is nothing, doesn’t actually matter. But then, it’s only discouraging if in that split second AFTER you see who or what you are, you find another thought that is afraid of what it sees.

If whatever is here is just running, living, and there is no clear “I” then there’s nothing real to test an actual personality for. This is terrible, chaotic, discouraging, meaningless, depressing, hopeless….is that true?

“The me I know myself as, my personality, is toast…….We do not want to see that there is a gaping void at the center of our existence.”~ Adyashanti

I love the conversations and connections I’ve made by talking about test results or “my” answers. But really, in this journey which seems to be happening of being alive…I have no idea how to describe this thing called ME. Do you?

Maybe that’s OK. More than OK.

Love, Grace

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Everyone Is Welcome Here

Nearing the end of the summer term of classes, I am so filled with gratitude for all the amazing participants. I usually feel like having a group that lasts much longer…I so love the connections made.

People have a range of experiences during two months of weekly inquiry with a small group. Some have light bulbs popping right and left with awareness. Their actual interactions with people they know change. Their relationship with their own minds become different, they stop binge-eating all the time, or obsessing about food and their bodies, or fighting with their spouse, or constantly thinking they don’t have enough time or money.

Other people feel annoyed at the exercises, their situations, at doing inquiry. Impatient, despairing, not grokking it.

Every so often someone drops away and stops calling in to the classes. Even this does not always mean they left without finding it useful. I’ve known of people who just want to listen to the recordings, maybe over and over again, but not actually participate live on the call.

Everything is welcome. Every approach, every person, every belief.

Yesterday in our very last Money, Work and Business group we questioned the thought that if people knew EVERYTHING about me…that worst thing…then I would be humiliated.

I love realizing that humiliation only enters the room if I truly believe that what I’ve done MEANS I am horrible, worthless, the scum of the earth, “a worm”, as one honest participant said.

The amazing thing I love about the Work is that we can point the finger at someone else who we think of as having done something particularly shameful and humiliating, and then find out if we really, really think they are the scum of the earth once we’ve questioned our judgments about them.

Usually, we find it’s not that easy and simple. They have positive qualities. They were being themselves, doing the best they could. They had a lot of thoughts running through their minds, that were VERY painful and stressful. They didn’t stop to question “is it true?”

Once we do this inquiry and find that those monsters are not so horrific, our feelings that WE might be scummy worms fade away. We have a much, much greater capacity for accepting ourselves as we are, foibles and all.

Mistakes, reactions, compulsive behaviors, decisions we’ve made….they all become lighter stories.

The first place we begin with inquiry is to Knock On The Door of our own inner world. And go inside. Even if we think this is going to be a disgusting, stinking, putrid, god-awful nasty building, full of mean, nasty, horrible, disgusting thoughts.

We write down our most judgmental, critical, petty, childish, angry, despairing thoughts about whatever is going on, about those terrible people, about the world, money, food, God, the Universe, and then it’s there right in front of us on paper.

This is so hard for many people that they want to burn the paper just in case someone would find it. It’s scary to admit these judgments exist, and we suffer so badly just in thinking there is something rotten about us and how selfish and rude we are.

But exposing the thinking, and then sticking with it—turning the light on in that dark room—is the first step towards recognizing that peace is actually here already, inside us. We don’t have to go looking for it.

Gathering with others, we all reveal our most distressing thoughts. And then do The Work, asking what it’s like when we think this thought, exploring it in such detail. Letting it have its voice. We start to wake up from the dream of what we’ve been believing.

“The process is therefore one of recognition. We recognize that there is peace now, even if your mind is confused. You may see that even when you touch upon peace now, the mind is so conditioned to move away from it that it will try to argue with the basic fact of peace’s existence within you: “I can’t be at peace yet because I have to do this, or that, or this question hasn’t been answered, or that question hasn’t been answered, or so-and-so hasn’t apologized to me.”~Adyashanti

Peace is present right here, even in your sadness about your financial situation, your despair about the way you eat and what your body looks like, or the fury you feel when you’re with your mother.

Doing The Work with others, I know over and over again that I am not alone, that I am not weird or different or separate or extra messed up. I am a part of humanity and it is possible foranyone to love, accept, allow, to stay with what is.

Everyone is welcome here, on this planet, in my world. How do I know? Because they’re here.

Love, Grace

 

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What Would SILENCE Do? (WWSD?)

The mind is constantly looking around to make sure all is well and everything is comfortable. The focus is entirely on what could threaten us. It’s a protection machine.

There is nothing wrong with this of course. It’s very handy if you’re out in the bush with large creatures with big teeth behind trees. You better be on the lookout if you want to live!

I like to joke about being in Terminator mode. It’s like the mind is in hyper-tech-radar position with this invisible little analysis eyeball thing going on for everything it encounters. Identifying, categorizing, assessing. Positive, Negative, I Like, I Don’t Like, Good, Bad.

But if you’re constantly on alert, on the lookout at all times, it can become very very stressful. Sometimes, we just want to RELAX.

One activity that looks really relaxing, that most of us have heard of as a personal practice for well-being, is meditation.

What could be more relaxing that sitting still, being quiet, doing nothing?

When I first went on a silent meditation retreat, about an hour into it I had the thought that just sitting there was a bit crazy. What were we all doing here anyway? Was life really so nuts that we all come together and sit with our eyes closed, saying nothing, being silent together?

I thought this was going to help me feel peaceful?

The thing that was happening is that my mind was still in look-out, alert, terminator mode. So lacking outside stimulus, it started going at it internally (which is what it was always doing anyway). Spinning off in any new direction that entered as a possible “problem” or image to consider.

No distractions. I now had myself all to myself. And I didn’t like it. In fact, I drove myself CRAZY. I found my mind incredibly fascinating and extremely unpleasant all at once. A love-hate relationship.

And it WAS NOT SILENT! JEEZUS!

Most people, even people who have practiced meditation for a long time, get a busy buzzing chattering mind. It has many things to say, ideas, suggestions. It sorts and mulls and chews on “problems”.

It is not easy to find the place in silence that is beyond the loud, noisy mind. At least not for the first hour.

But with only a little willingness….or maybe because you’ve tried everything else and nothing really works…you become able to sit quietly and watch yourself, without doing anything about it.

This is entering the experience of allowing things to be the way they are.

Can you imagine allowing everything to be as it is, as Adyashanti and other meditation teachers suggest?

It means I stay, even if I’m thinking of horrifying images, sad and despairing thoughts, memories that are terrible or full of grief. Anything the mind throws at the inner movie screen, I stay.

In life, this means that whatever happens, I don’t fight against it, wish it weren’t there. I don’t hate anything, I don’t attack reality, I don’t shake my fist at God saying “How could you!?!”

In fact, I realized by sitting in meditation that there is no one in charge, except Silence. Ask a question? Silence. Produce a bunch of noise? Silence. Make demands? Silence.

After some practice of meditation, I loved it. Only because I knew all my mind-noise was not true, unnecessary, and chaotic. It had no end and didn’t find any answers.

When I feel stress and anxiety, frustration, sadness, annoyance, and my terminator mind kicks in ready to Get-This-Problem-Resolved-Now (which is tempting but never really works) then the quickest way to peace is:

  1. The Work–answering four questions and turning my thoughts around
  2. Meditation
  3. Dance
  4. Ask Myself What I Want and Get That for Myself

The most important thing is considering, stewing in, remembering, and imagining what it would be like to Allow Everything To Be As It Is.

Just leave it all alone. No trying to change, tweak, manage something or someone. No if-only-it-were-like….it-shouldn’t-have-been….I can’t…they can’t….STOP.

See what it’s like to be Silence. If you were SILENCE, what would you do?

Love, Grace

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Anger–Must Get Rid Of It

Today in the Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass, someone asked me how doing The Work has really changed me. The wonderful inquirer who was asking the question also said that she felt like she had done the Work often, and she didn’t feel entirely peaceful.

We wound up doing The Work in class together on the belief “I’ll never get it right”.

I remember once raising my hand at a Byron Katie event with a lot of internal pain, feeling like I had written worksheets and gone through the process of asking the Four Questions of The Work many times on the same situation….

Before I even got to say “what am I doing wrong?” which was my basic question at the core, Katie said to me “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

GASP! Moi? Angry?!!

It suddenly dawned on me that I was trying as hard as I could NOT to be angry. Being angry was WRONG. Unspiritual, negative, selfish, unhealthy. I had a motive with all the work I was doing “on myself” and “on others” all the time. To get Good Enough.

I had even heard that if a person was angry a lot, they could develop cancer and other diseases. Anger could bring on heart-attacks, made steam come out of your ears. It forced people to pick up arms against other people, to hit or slap.

Walking around feeling anger could create muscle tension, stress, aches, sick stomachs, poor digestion, high blood pressure.

But what if the actual ANGER itself is not terrible? It is, after all, a part of reality. It is an energy, it’s doing something….it exists. Who am I to say it shouldn’t?

Perhaps, I realized at the time, I was pushing so hard against being angry…sort of like having anger against my anger…that I wasn’t seeing its use, or benefit. It was getting STUCK.

But wait! I had a huge gigantic expectation that spiritual, good, loving, faithful people are NEVER ANGRY. I wanted to get it right.

Being a kind, gentle, loving person who is not expressing anger is an image many of us inquirers have in our minds of how we would be if we could “get there”. We would be awesome, cool, holy people. Nothing would bug us.

If you can allow yourself to write all the most vicious, nasty, hateful, mean, angry judgments down about someone who when you think about them, you feel rage…..then you have made the first step, identifying your beliefs.

Next, you can get up and do some jumping jacks and fist punches into the air and maybe yell into a pillow. It’s a lot different to feel accepting, or even grateful, for anger. If that seems like a stretch, just allowing it to be here is enough. This is deep patience.

Then you can get back to understanding what is truly going on here, right in this moment of furious emotion. No looking to replace the fury with peace with the snap of a finger…but looking with curiosity. No seeking some different state.

“To seek something, you must have at least some vague idea or image of what it is you are seeking. But ultimate truth is not an idea or an image or something attained anew. So, to seek truth as something objective is a waste of time and energy. Truth can’t be found by seeking it, simply because truth is what you are.”~Adyashanti

So when you are angry, feel it and appreciate it. What is it saying? What does it mean? What are you afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen? If that awful person keeps on doing what they’re doing or saying what they’re saying, what is terrible about it, really?

“The path of developing loving-kindness and compassion is to be patient with the fact that you’re human and that you make these mistakes. That’s more important than getting it right…If you apply patience to the fact that you can’t let go, somehow that helps you to do it. Patience with the fact that you can’t let go helps you to get to the point of letting go gradually–at a very sane and loving speed, at the speed that your basic wisdom allows you to move.~Pema Chodron

Slowing down, I allow myself in any moments of irritation to look, instead of swat it away like a fly.

Welcome, anger. Welcome, fear. Good that you’re here, so you can be seen. Because once a light shines on the troubled spots, and you can wait, stop, love yourself anyway….you may find people don’t bug you as much anymore.

It could be you are getting it right. Bumbling along, twisting to and fro, being human. In fact, I’m sure of it.

Love, Grace

 

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