Category: The Work of Byron Katie

Posted on

Getting Un-Addicted To Addictive Thinking

Yesterday I received not one, but two letters from participants in the One Year Program of Inquiry that I facilitate.

Our group began meeting in June, and we connect by phone or skype with a different topic each month. Then we’ll meet live and in person in both September and next March (for those who can travel to Seattle).

I’m excited, because a second group will start on Thursdays, Sept 12th in the afternoon instead of the mornings (5:15 to 6:45 pm).

Here is what these sincere inquirers wrote:

Dear Grace,
I am grateful for your classes, and your spirit, and just doing what you do. The relationships I’ve developed through your classes…with you…and others…it’s so amazing how there are now all these like-minded people in my life…and how these relationships of radical openness spill over into “regular” relationships…with [my friend], my sisters, my Mom, Brother in law, nephew…just seems to be more and more a way of being. ~ JB A Year Of Inquiry Program
 
And to our Private Group Forum:
Hi All! I’d like to say how much I’m enjoying being a part of this group. I thank you all very much for coming together and making it possible. (I thank me, too, for this gift to myself:) ~ DS A Year of Inquiry Program
There is no one more grateful and impressed  than ME by the sweet connection, authenticity and determination of the people who chose to join.

The full title of the year is A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind. 

(But I like to call it YOI for short. It makes me laugh).

Addictive MIND? But no one in this group is consumed by addictive behavior, or using drugs or alcohol all the time, or engaging in intense or flippant compulsive behavior, or lying in the gutter…..

….they really aren’t.

And yet they answered a call of being invited to join for a full year with fellow passengers on a journey to understand their own compulsive and painful thinking.

They all wanted to investigate the thoughts, ideas and notions that create their own suffering.

They wanted to do it over the passage of time….so that events, changes, or circumstances might occur, and they’d have a support group to work with as life happened.

That’s what I have signed myself up for, as I have worked with groups and teachers being a student of The Life of Grace Bell (whoever that is) and the Human Condition.

Addiction is defined in the dictionary as the state of being enslaved to a habit or a practice.

It feels true with thinking sometimes…..have you noticed?

Something alarming happens, someone says something threatening, there is change….and the mind is off and running, believing everything that makes it nervous.

Addictive thinking is that automatic reactive thinking that works faster than the speed of light, it seems, at believing that uncomfortable (or excruciating) things are absolutely true, without stopping to question them.

On the flip side, it is also believing that I want more, and more, and more of the Truth, of feeling good, whatever that may be.

Very tricky mind.

The mind, which appears to have a compulsive way about it, says “grow this beautiful state of experience over here” and then “get away from that nasty experience over there“.

Once when I was in meditation retreat, a man came to the microphone and told his terrible story of heroine addiction.

The teacher, Adyashanti, commented that this man’s addictive process was just like everyone else’s! Even the people trying to catch the drug of spiritual enlightenment and bliss all day long!

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process.” ~ Byron Katie

Once inquiry begins, this way of thinking followed by immediately reacting begins to slow down.

Relaxing becomes possible, without anything needing to change in our environment.

Pain is present still….it appears that this is something that is a part of life. Pain, death, loss, sickness, hardship, fear….all here in this world, in the middle of this life.

The pain of my father’s death, my friend who just died at age 22, the best friend I thought I once knew having committed a stunning betrayal, the man who dramatically threatened to kill himself, the woman who lied, the man who was verbally violent, the desperation of some I have met….

….all so painful. Destruction appears to happen here. Endings. Change. Goodbyes. Beginnings. More Endings.

But ongoing suffering? Ruminating on the past? Thinking about all these painful events over and over? Asking why, endlessly? Trying to avoid them ever ever happening again?

Surrendering, not believing that is it absolutely true that it is all a House of Horrors and a Big Mess….knowing there is nothing I can do about any of it…..the suffering fades away.

I am open to what is mysterious in this moment, the Great Unknown.

I notice I am breathing and still here, today. I notice my heart is beating. Or should I say, “this” heart is beating (I’m quite sure now it is not “mine”).

“Suddenly I realized that what I was addicted to was me–me, the one who was struggling; me, the one who was striving for enlightenment; me, the one who was confused. I was a junkie for me. Even as I was trying to get beyond myself, to break through to a different view, I couldn’t because I was actually addicted to me. And there wasn’t a secret about how to get un-addicted. I had to get to the point where I bottomed out, where I stopped, where I realized that I didn’t know anything.” ~ Adyashanti

Oh boy!

If you’re ready to Un-Know Everything, practice self-inquiry with others, learn to facilitate well, study your thoughts, connect intimately…

….then come join us starting in September for a Year of Inquiry.

YOI for YOU!

Read all about it by clicking here.

And if this group isn’t quite right, check out the other telegroup classes below, find a partner to work with, or just begin by writing down your stressful beliefs and calling the Help Line to speak to a volunteer facilitator (I am sometimes there too!)

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Letting Go In Grief

Yesterday morning I learned that a young man had died who I did not know extremely well. Not the details of his life, or what he was doing every day.

Whatever “knowing” someone extremely well means….

I had found him totally and completely delightful and sweet, like giving him a big huge hug, from the moment I met him. Like recognizing a long-lost friend.

He came to the dance I facilitate with my partner, and several other dances attended by many people who love to dance in Seattle.

When I learned he was gone, I began to weep.

He reminded me of my son from the very start….they look fairly similar, are close in age, and have a kind-hearted, joyful, unassuming energy.

Maybe this is why I felt so tender towards him.

Or maybe it was because he reminded me of myself.

Seeking answers, asking questions, craving understanding, observing the love and pain of this world and having a great hunger to know.

When I was 22, the age of this dear young man, I suffered deeply from my own thoughts about life and death.

Life actually felt very difficult at the time. I had dropped out of college. I wasn’t sure which direction to take. I wanted only to read philosophical works, spiritual scripture and sacred text, and talk about meaningful life-and-death matters.

Fortunately (I can now say it was fortunate) that never stopped.

And here today, learning of this death, I feel very contemplative and full of grief.

Almost like its too much to write about, and yet it is here, filling my consciousness.

Death feels so decisive, permanent. It feels like loss.

Every single one of us has known others who have died.

And what is this moment when the awareness that someone is gone occurs, and there is a powerful energy that moves like a great wave?

The temporary nature of everything presents itself.

Here again today….everything is temporary.

This past year I have encountered two other deaths of people I knew and loved. I still think about them. I still see them talking, smiling, in my mind. So vivid.

I still see my own father, gone so many years apparently, standing in the kitchen, cooking and wearing a big chef’s apron. Like it was yesterday.

Talking, smiling, his facial expressions, his wire-rimmed glasses.

The mind calls up the picture with such acute precision, so real.

Then the feeling enters, an expression of the thoughts and beliefs.

The grief pours in when I have the thought “I will never have that again” or “I want more of this image, this person, but more is impossible”.

Can I be with this memory, and allow it to live, in big-screen technicolor? Just let it be here, this full-blown memory of this wonderful person who I loved?

Because when I can let it live here in this present moment, when I take in my surroundings (oak table, green chairs, silver laptop computer, family baby photos, sound of airplane, white flower in vase, pink fingernails typing) then this is all here, as well as the internal image (his face, smiling, laughing, head tipped back, brown eyes, happiness).

All here. Things, pictures, memories, feelings, grief, appreciation, love.

Unknown, mysterious, impermanent, wild.

Letting go of the demand, the ache to have more of something….more time, more connection, more of that memory, that person, more, more, please more.

Even being with the feeling of wanting more.

Recently, a dear friend offered this poem on the anniversary of her husband’s passing.

Today, I share it with you, in honor of those who have gone before, whose images I hold in my mind and heart.

When the heart breaks open with letting go.

Walking Away
For Sean
C Day Lewis

It is eighteen years ago, almost to the day –
A sunny day with leaves just turning,
The touch-lines new-ruled – since I watched you play
Your first game of football, then, like a satellite
Wrenched from its orbit, go drifting away

Behind a scatter of boys. I can see
You walking away from me towards the school
With the pathos of a half-fledged thing set free
Into a wilderness, the gait of one
Who finds no path where the path should be.

That hesitant figure, eddying away
Like a winged seed loosened from its parent stem,
Has something I never quite grasp to convey
About nature’s give-and-take – the small, the scorching
Ordeals which fire one’s irresolute clay.

I have had worse partings, but none that so
Gnaws at my mind still. Perhaps it is roughly
Saying what God alone could perfectly show –
How selfhood begins with a walking away,
And love is proved in the letting go. 

Love, Grace

Posted on

Compared To Me….Your Situation Is

It is C*R*A*Z*Y how much the mind loves to compare.

Sometimes it seems to be in constant motion, holding up two or more scenarios and picking which one it likes best.

We compare that person’s situation to our own situation, and the neighbors situation, and the people we knew ten years ago and their situation, and our mother’s situation, and our siblings’ situations.

When someone tells us that they are having a hard time, our mind scans the files we have, memories, seeing if it can relate.

We’ll start to say, whether out loud or inwardly; “oh, yes, I had a friend who had that disease once….who got married like that….I myself was in a similar accident….there was the time a member of my family also had….I encountered that too…”

It’s almost an automatic way to relate to others, to refer back to what WE have heard and experienced and learned and believed that is similar to what they’re telling us.

The other day in a waiting room I heard one woman say to another that her aunt had died.

The one who was listening to the news of the aunt’s death began saying “oh that is so terrible, so hard…oh dear. The caregiver must not have anything to do now, that is probably a big loss in the caregiver’s life. Oh how terrible..”

There was  a lot of humming and ooo-ing and there-there-ing, and awwww-how-sad in between the words.

The other woman, whose aunt had died, said, after a pause…“um, well, no, the caregiver is actually quite happy that my aunt is now free from being sick, and happy that she herself is free from having to be the caretaker!”

The one who had been ooohing and ahhhing about the death sort of said “oh!” with surprise.

I smiled at over-hearing the assumption made, and then the correction of the assumption.

Sometimes we get corrected in our views, which is one version of having our beliefs questioned, in a very simple way…..

Someone tells us!

But here’s the tricky thing I notice about comparison…..

….it’s a lot more intense, sort of crucial and painful and deep, based on how much stress we are feeling about our situation.

We might start to compare our lives to other people who have it better.

We lose our income, our house burns down, our partner leaves…..

….and our friends who have just won the lottery, built a new house, or gotten married produce a sort of frosty feeling inside us when we’re with them and they are talking about their good fortunes.

Ooops. Comparison has descended.

I look worse off than they do. Uh oh. Cry!!!

Too bad, in these situations, someone can’t come in and just tell us that we’re off, that we’re not seeing things clearly, and that we’re making assumptions that really aren’t true.

But wait! We DO have a signal, actually, that tells us we’re not seeing things clearly!

It’s called STRESS. An uncomfortable feeling. Resistance. Upset.

When I ran out of all my money, and then had bills, and a mortgage and no way to pay it, I was soooooo terrified and depressed.

I felt down, fatigued, and yet couldn’t sleep well. I was doing The Work and looking at my beliefs as if my life depended on it (it did).

I would feel calm and serene, and realize that I was breathing and fine even though my financial life was like the Titanic sinking. I would realize I was absolutely OK.

And then…..I would go on a walk.

About 3 blocks from my street was the edge of a gorgeous lane. The neighborhood suddenly became lakeside real estate.

Lush gardens, well-tended and plush mansions, boats, docks, automobiles of the highest calibre, marble statues.

My ears had fumes coming out of both sides within twenty minutes of the walk.

How did THESE people do it? Why were THEY getting so much? Why didn’t I have an estate on the lake?

What was I doing wrong? 

By comparison…..they are SO MUCH BETTER.

Stop.

Inquiry time. This is called aggravation, envy, angst, agony. Comparison.

Who would I be without the thought that what I am seeing means something about me?

What if I don’t need to relate or understand or have a similar experience or “get” exactly what they did….in order to be happy?

I might quit comparing, and perhaps even see things with new, fresh eyes.

I noticed that as I walked down the street, without the thought that they had it better and I was lacking something…..

…..I was walking through a most amazing world.

It was like Alice in Wonderland, a magical bounty of vision everywhere: trees, sky, sidewalk, cars, wood, glass, colors, views, fountains, art, ornaments…..

……all right here, in my world, in my awareness.

Nothing missing, nothing gone or absent that “should” be there (for me) but instead a whole universe jam-packed with beauty everywhere.

Even though I was perceiving myself in that moment as not “owning” or having the same kinds of things.

Perhaps no comparison was necessary in order to be intimately connected with whatever was going on around me, or with whoever I was talking with.

No need to find common experience or common ground, no need to see them as separate or better.

Without busily comparing everything to Me and My Experience, a great relaxation occurs.

What a cute little mind, so busy busy busy constantly checking in to see if this body/person is doing OK, by comparison.

“One must be willing to stand alone-in the unknown, with no reference to the known or the past or any of one’s conditioning. One must stand where no one has stood before in complete nakedness, innocence, and humility. One must stand in that dark light, in that groundless embrace, unwavering and true to the reality beyond all self–not just for a moment, but forever without end. For then that which is sacred, undivided, and whole is born within consciousness and begins to express itself.” ~ Adyashanti 

Without measuring and comparing myself to everything and everyone else, the amount of money I have, the amount of attention I have, the amount of enlightenment I have is totally and completely unimportant.

And it can’t be measured. Everything starts to blur together.

There is enough of everything.

Freedom!

“Basically without comparison, you have a happy life in every moment.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

Posted on

I Must Try To Be A Good Person

One of the most interesting areas of investigation of my own behavior has been around understanding my beliefs of the way I think people “should” behave if we are all supposed to be civilized, nice, generous, kind human beings.

If we’re good people, we act like “this” (make a list). And if everyone acted like that, then things would go well.

We’ll say that someone is a really “good” person. But why?

We like them. We want to be around them. We’re inspired by them. They’re safe. They’re responsible. They’re genuine. They’re honest. They care!

It’s easy to see how people should NOT behave.

That’s a bad person over there, saying those rude words, doing that appalling thing, thinking their mean, nasty thoughts, expressing difficult feelings, and acting horrible.

We almost instantly know when there is someone who is not falling into the category of “normal” or “nice” or “acceptable” or “loving”.

They are not being good.

It seems there is an internal list of the RIGHT ways to behave, to speak, to be, to do, and to think.

When people are not acting “right” according to us, then this is of course an incredible place for self-inquiry, in opening to that person’s behavior, in understanding our objections.

But what about this urge to be perfect, good, appealing and attractive in the world….the opposite of bad?

From a very early age, I noticed a lot of stories and lessons about Good People and Bad People.

Good People who were all-good and non-threatening were sweet, unobtrusive, gentle, forgiving, helpful, supportive, easy-going and patient.

Then there were the Good People who raised some objections….not everyone thought of them as safe….they were pushing the boundaries, ruffling a few feathers…. like Jesus or Martin Luther King.

Those kinds of Good People challenged the accepted way to be. They were Good and also Powerful….I had such admiration! They were brave!

I can’t do that! Scary!

Then….there are those that cross the line. They behave badly. They become “bad” people.

The stories read to me were full of Good People and Bad People. The rules on how to tell if someone was good or bad formed early.

It seemed very important to be considered by others to be Good.

Even if I had judgmental thoughts, or noticed that I really didn’t like someone, or was very angry, or wanted to say “no”….I worked very hard to show an image of GOOD.

Being Good is MUCH BETTER than being Bad!

Better memorize the Good Features, so you know how to act, to think and to be!

I started to feel sick to my stomach with tension because I knew I wasn’t 100% Good.

It never occurred to me that nobody can be 100% Good, according to the “laws” I was learning, many of them delivered in fairy tales.

When being Good means that the person you’re interacting with needs to feel happy, safe, open and comfortable in your presence….oh boy.

The situation can be VERY stressful….and, unfortunately, hopeless.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to hold up an image of goodness? That you need to be kind and nice in your delivery?

Who would you be without the thought that you shouldn’t ever, ever offend anyone?

Who would you be without the thought that other people need to be encouraged by your loving behavior to be comfortable around you?

That people could go off and be critical, or violent, unless you’re Good?

Oh no! I have to care about other people and their comfort! I have to help them feel happy, relaxed, loved!

Some people are creepy or judge super easily….I have to worry about those people!

Don’t I?

What if you didn’t have that belief?

Who would you be without the thought that you need them to feel happy and loved and that you are the one to make that happen?

This was so strange, to even imagine how I would be and what it would be like, to not need to help other people feel comfortable, that it was like entering a foreign land at first.

If I really do not worry about what other people are feeling around me….then I do not have to be falsely encouraging.

I do not have to keep a Good Persona intact, I do not have to be nice, friendly, sweet and compliant, unless these ways of being are truly genuine and loving and real in that situation.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to make yourself act Good?

Maybe you’d relax.

Maybe you’d notice that you have a deep, loving kindness and patience that comes easily, beyond following any list. And sometimes not.

Sometimes, you get up and walk out of the party, the lecture, the movie, the date.

Without the thought that you need to act good, you might say “the emperor has no clothes” with innocence, without malice or rage, simply expressing what you see.

I notice for me, I say “no, thank you” without an explanation much more easily.

The turnaround: I do not need to try all the time to be a “good” person to others. 

I do not have to consider the list of what “Good” is and then follow it as best I can. I do not have to think about everyone else and how they feel when they are around me.

I do not even have to try to be a good person to myself.

I would find out what it’s like to live without having a more perfect, better image to live up to or try to achieve.

If I really unhitch myself from any beliefs about who I should or should not be in the presence of others, so that I am projecting a safe, good, loving “image”…

….then who knows what mysterious amazing person this is, this person who is me.

“When you truly love yourself, it’s not possible to project that other people don’t love you. I like to say, ‘When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.’ This gets a big laugh from audiences. People seem to be delighted at how easy it is to feel completely loved, and they see, if only for a moment, that it doesn’t depend on anyone outside.” ~ Byron Katie

Not expecting or looking for or wanting or dreaming of being perceived of as a Good Person by anyone out there…..ever?

Wow!

“Don’t be careful. You could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

Posted on

Freedom From Your Own Ideas About Feeling Bad

Not long ago I had a client who said something I’ve heard many times over the years as I’ve worked with people to question their thinking:

“I feel awful. I have a heavy weight of depression, despair, anger, anxiety, unhappiness…… But I have NO IDEA what I’m thinking that would create these terrible feelings.”

This woman went on to say that she had tried The Work but wasn’t sure anything had actually changed for her.

Her mind was so troubled, and she was desperately hoping for a sudden shift, a miraculous change.

I used to think this way when I had extreme eating behavior that didn’t seem to make any sense.

There I would be, living my life…and KABOOM…I would have the thought that eating would be a good idea, even though I wasn’t actually hungry.

Eating would change the channel on my situation, alter the trajectory of feeling. Eating would shake things up or switch the plans for the next couple of hours.

But there was a basic, profoundly unhappy belief that my situation was somewhat dangerous (sometimes it was only a teensy bit alarming, sometimes TERRIBLY worrisome).

This feeling, this moment, this situation is BAD BAD BAD.

It must be stopped. I can’t handle it. I “have to” do something.

When I used to believe this thought, that my current condition was WRONG, BAD, ALARMING, OFF….then guess how I reacted to that belief?

How do you react when you think your condition, your life situation, is BAD? That your feeling is WRONG? That you’re missing something?

How I reacted is I would bring out an army of thoughts AGAINST my condition, my situation.

I’d set to solving the problem I had, my condition, as if someone had a gun to my head saying “figure this out, NOW!”

My mind’s job was to prove that what I was experiencing was indeed horrendous. It would note and summarize all the evidence that my condition was threatening.

I would visit specialists, or read their books. I would be superstitious, I would wish my mind was different than it was, I would have visions and images float through my head of my disruptive childhood or my mean boss….I would think this situation was caused by my parents, my sensitive personality, my speedy mind, my upbringing, my society, genetics, poor nutrition.

When I believed that something was wrong with me, with my situation, with my feeling of despair, then I would feel exhausted with the search for change, with the search to “fix” my predicament.

When I believed something was wrong with me or with my life, or if something scared me…I would eat, eat, eat and it would help temporarily, but then I would hate myself and start the cycle all over.

What a black hole of unhappiness. It felt like death warmed over, as my grandma would say.

Blech.

So who did I become, without the belief that my situation and condition was so horrendously bad?

Because that’s what happened.

I began to question my belief that the dark blob feeling was an enemy.

Who would you be without the thought that your troubling feelings are impossible, that you need a miracle and immediate shift?

Who would you be without the thought that your condition is dire, wrong, alarming, off, BAD?

Without that belief hanging over my head, I began to make friends with my feeling of darkness, depression, death, resistance.

Who would I be without the thought that I am against this kind of feeling? Who would I be without the thought that I must be afraid of this feeling?

“If you think it’s hell and you’re taking the cap off it….let it fly, be a volcano. It couldn’t be worse than what you’ve been living — and if it is, let’s test it.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that having a feeling of fear, or anger, or rage, or despair is something to be avoided at all costs….

….I welcomed the feelings.

I allowed them to be here, generating themselves inside me, however that happened.

I stopped trying to figure out how to get rid of them.

I started seeing what I was thinking, slowing it down, so I could examine the stream of ideas running through my mind.

” ‘I don’t have a belief’ is the first belief.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnaround: this feeling is good, it should stay, I need to keep feeling this way, this is not so horrible, this has a message for me, this is important, my situation is right, helpful, accurate, good, ON. 

Do you really want to snap your fingers and feel lollipops and roses? Are you SURE you don’t ever want to crave something, or feel stress, or discouragement?

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

Love, Grace

Leave a comment below! I love hearing from you!

Posted on

Question Authority, Get A Kinder Reality

This month the One Year Group that began in June together to practice self-inquiry for a whole year began our second month’s module…on Authority.

Authority brings up all kinds of images and ideas for people….and the key here with self-inquiry is to look at what is stressful.

The immediate image that popped in my head when considering my latest mental forays with “authority” was the bumper sticker QUESTION AUTHORITY.

I saw it when I was a teenager in the 1970s.

There seemed to be something exciting about the idea of questioning authority (whatever it was) but also a little frightening.

The dictionary defines authority in several ways as having the power to do something: make a final decision, to enforce laws, exact obedience, judge or command other people.

Benjamin Franklin is famous for saying “It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority”.  

 So there was our Inquiry Group, ready to share their situations of objecting to those authority figures in their lives….OR…those people who might be pushing against our authority (like in parenting).

I love what came forward: bosses, fathers, doctors, government departments, teenagers, head-of-committees, volunteer managers.

 Those dastardly people who are making us do something! So bossy! Or neglectful! So sharp, humorless, critical, or non-communicative!

 Not long ago, I entered a facility where I was facilitating a dance class. I had rented the dance studio, and been there many times before at the exact same time on the exact same day.

There was a completely different person behind the front desk, with a frown on her face as we approached.

“Who are you? I do not have a record of your reservation. I cannot take responsibility for your being here. I will have to make some calls. I cannot take responsibility for this if I don’t know what’s going on. Please wait outside. I am responsible for the center this morning. You can have your dance group, but the door into the building will need to remain locked.”

Her hand went up in the STOP gesture.

She looked really nervous and my mind immediately went to these kinds of thoughts:

  • she is so dang uptight!
  • she should relax, we’re OBVIOUSLY not trying to fake-rent this place
  • she should STOP REPEATING herself
  • if she says that she is responsible one more time, I will scream
  • who put this nervous ninny in authority here?
  • this should not be happening
  • she’s making us wait, and keep the door locked??!! How will people attending our dance get in fer cryin’ out loud?!

It was like a sensation in my body of being totally against this other human rose within 5 seconds. Her manner somehow hit the right buttons, inside me.

Sigh.

It is strange….the urge to defend, hit back, blast through the irritant, and consider an encounter a pain-in-the-butt.

It is not peaceful.

The part of me watching all this, the Observer who actually is entirely able to see and hear with non-freaked-out eyes and ears, said…in its usual, calm way “careful there… temper… temper.”

There were other people there with me, including my incredibly calm husband, and he began to interact with her.

I hung back, watching and nervous. It was bizarre how strong the energy was inside my body to say…um, er, I mean SCREAM…“Are you kidding me??!!”

I zipped it, took a deep breath, and allowed the other more friendly people around me to handle the “authority” figure in this situation.

Later, on the dance floor, as I moved and danced to fantastic music that seemed to fit my mood, I noticed the questioning mind, the observer, began to have a little more say about the situation.

Who would I be without the thought that she was wrong, she had made us wait, she was controlling us, or that she should have stopped talking and unlocked the door?

Even now, who am I without the thought that she was trying to manage, force, push, or hinder us in some way?

I saw her face in my mind, so worried, trying very hard to make sure all was well.

By the end of the dance, as I had looked, I realized this was a situation that was perfect for inquiry.

Even though my sensation of irritation had shifted, I hadn’t actually written anything down or worked through the concepts slowly, looking as I went at all my assumptions.

I definitely wasn’t bothered anymore, because all had gone well (I got what I wanted) and after fifteen minutes of waiting…she had opened the door and we had run our dance in the beautiful studio, just like always.

So even though I was much less upset…I wrote. I noticed that I still believed she shouldn’t have been so FREAKED OUT!

“Who would I be without the thought that the woman behind the desk had been too uptight, scared, freaked out, nervous?”

What if she was just right, the way she was? What if it made sense that she was so concerned? What if she was really caring for this facility, taking her job very seriously? What if having a little humor wasn’t accessible to her, because she was too afraid? What if she doesn’t like surprises?

Oh. That’s how I am….I sometimes don’t like big surprises. Actually, come to think of it…that’s how I was myself, right in that same situation!

Who was so uptight in that situation?

That would be ME.

If I think she shouldn’t be nervous, maybe I could try doing what I’m telling her to do! Ha!

  • I am so dang uptight! About that woman! And about the “emergency” of potentially not having a studio and having to cancel dance.
  • I should relax, I know we have rented this place but she doesn’t
  • I should stop repeating myself, saying internally how this shouldn’t be happening
  • if I tell myself that I am responsible (to all the people who are coming to dance)…
  • who put this nervous ninny in authority here? The nervous ninny being MOI.
  • this should be happening, because it is, and actually…its fine
  • she barely made us wait, and even though the door was locked, we were allowed to let people in, and the dance played on

“If you meet a person who’s rude to you, for example, your thoughts automatically are, ‘You shouldn’t behave like that!’ But of course, these thoughts conflict with reality, because the person is behaving like that.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I know that when I argue with what is happening, when I am against it, then I lose the battle.

For me, in this situation, it was wonderful to question authority…to soften, relax, trust the way things unfolded, notice that was very smooth.

Perhaps even if that woman had bolted the doors, shut us out, and we were not able to have dance that morning…that still would have been most interesting, and just what the doctor ordered for greater clarity, ease, and happiness.

Actually, we had been meaning to take a look at other rental venues, less expensive ones, with better sound systems.

Funny how that works…

“Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it.” ~ Byron Katie

Love,  Grace

P.S. To comment on this post, click HERE. I love responding!

P.P.S. The second group of Inquirers in a One Year Program will start together on Thursdays, September 5, 2013 5:15-6:45 pm. For all the wonderful information about the One Year Program, click HERE.

Posted on

Question Your Love Story, Discover Stillness

I was having a gentle walk last weekend in the sunny afternoon, green summer leaves swishing above, when I passed an outdoor cafe and suddenly a huge rush of adrenaline zapped through me, like a lazer beam of energy aimed for the heart.

I thought I saw an old boyfriend, sitting in a chair, facing away from me. The hair was almost exactly the same. I had to stare as I walked by, checking to see “is that him?”

Now why the heck did that produce a shot of adrenaline like I saw a house explode into fire all of the sudden?

I mean really, I thought (as I felt my facing heart slowing down).

Isn’t this a bit dramatic of a reaction?

But sometimes… BAM…there is a cascade of beliefs all at once, all stuck to each other like velcro, that show up and it only takes the mind 2 seconds to compute and execute.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Oh. Not him. Wow, that really looked like him. (Turn back and check again). No, definitely not him. What would he be doing up here? But it’s not him. So that wouldn’t happen. Not him.

And then the next ten minutes were spent remembering, seeing images zip through the mind.

It’s like the Mind is dressed up in a business suit, with a huge deck of cards. On each card is a moving picture (idea stolen from Harry Potter stories) with moments from MY LIFE.

This corporate-looking business man (the mind thinks of itself with such importance doesn’t it?) is throwing down one card after the next after the next, saying “here, remember THAT moment? what about this one? oooh, that was a particularly gruelling moment, oh and that one was pretty good, and this one was absolutely horrendous, oh, and when he said that…”

All with that person!

Who wasn’t even actually here.

Talk about stories. JEEZ!

Now, before inquiry, I would have made a lot of effort to forget about that guy. Or say something under my breath like “wanka!”

And I might feel slightly anxious off and on for the rest of the day, or look over my shoulder sometimes.

Maybe I’d even think about doing something comforting, like eating ice cream or drinking a beer (as if those worked).

The thing that’s wonderful about self-inquiry is maybe escapist thoughts still pass through my mind, but they don’t feel very serious.

The more interesting thoughts are the ones that created the fear energy through the system. I love finding out what those are, writing them down, using this as an educational, adventurous moment.

Let’s see, if I really let it rip, childish, petty, judgmental, honest….this is what my thinking looked like, slowed way down into a list:

  • he hates me
  • he wants to hurt me
  • he was hurt by ME
  • he didn’t understand me
  • he thought I was mean, judgmental, critical and closed
  • he was lying, selfish, weak, rude
  • connecting him was not, is not, and will not be safe

I had to chuckle when I asked myself “what’s the worst that could happen?”

I had the image of this old boyfriend jumping up and screaming and running after me down the street yelling “you witch! get away from me! you ruined my life!”

Did I mention that the mind can be a real Drama Queen?

So if that DID happen….would it really be unmanageable, horrible, unsafe?

Am I SURE he wants to hurt me, he was hurt by me, he hates me, and he thinks of me as a terrible person?

No. Not at all.

I turn these thoughts around and find my own very stressful thoughts….about ME…are the ones that really hurt.

  • I hated myself (in the way I was with him)—true, I was dishonest, nervous, and always worried about his feelings and not mine
  • I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to hurt myself—both true, I felt defensive, I attacked, I was always looking at the world like it wasn’t good enough, and neither was I
  • he was healed by me, I was healed by him—could be just as possible, there was a lot of love expressed between us
  • he did understand me, I didn’t understand myself—both true
  • I thought of myself as mean, judgmental, critical and closed—that’s for sure! And yes, he also thought of me as kind, accepting, discerning and open
  • I was totally lying, selfish, weak and rude—um, yeah, that was true. And, he told the truth, was generous, strong and nice.
  • connecting with him was completely safe, is currently safe (in this moment of thinking about him even) and will always be safe in the future—yes, true.

I realize there is nothing dangerous in the memories, the feelings that welled up, the images that passed through my mind, the story.

It’s just a story.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be cause by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.” ~ Byron Katie 

Later, after inquiring and looking and wondering….I notice I feel much calmer, more neutral when I think of that man.

I think of him as a character in a great and profound epic story…he actually had a pretty dang short part, truth be told. But an important one.

“For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are. To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Love flourishes with every moment, whether another human is here, or not here, or memories are present, or not present, whether I am “with” a person or not “with” a person….all shining under the story.

Who would you be without your former love story?

Love, Grace

Posted on

You Have Your Own Tuning Fork

This past week the Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass group questioned the belief that people should not be confusing.

I was struck by the way we moved from stressful beliefs about food and eating, our bodies and our relationship to food….into this thought about a human in our lives, from whom we want clarity.

But instead this person is offering confusion!

Often, this feeling permeates many peoples’ childhood.

I want clarity! I need to know! This needs to make sense! I don’t get this, and I don’t get what that confusing person is talking about!

Arrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

When it comes to trouble with food, or any compulsive feeling, there appears to be a lot of confusion present.

  • I want to eat, but I’m not hungry
  • I want to be calm, but I’m very stressed
  • I want to be close to that person I love/admire, but I don’t understand what they want or need
  • I want to be thin, but I keep eating and eating
  • I need to know what’s going on with All This, but I don’t seem to be able to truly understand
  • I feel bad, confused, lost, sad…and I don’t know why
  • other happy people are confusing

I loved thinking about this idea of confusion being painful this week, and my relationship to confusion.

When I was 18 ready to move to college, I felt very confused about my desire to eat and eat and overeat and binge and stuff food into my mouth.

It was entirely separate from normal hunger, it was a weird trance-like state of being compelled to do it, like I couldn’t help it.

Something was triggering this behavior, and I was VERY confused about what. I had no reference for even how to figure it out…I didn’t know about the inner life of emotions and reactions and beliefs.

Fortunately, I became equally as compelled to understand myself and my behavior.

I also knew that I had whatever it took to find peace. I knew I was born a whole human being, with the capacity to heal and move through life, just like anyone else.

But how did those other people make it look so easy?

I explored, went to lectures, seminars, retreats, therapy, and read many incredible books.

Every single one helped. Every one.

They all offered a little insight, a little spark of learning, a brand new idea, another way of seeing things, an alternate position.

And then one day, not very long into my journey (I was only about 22) I was sitting with a very interesting therapist.

This man said to me, after I explained that I was really a huge mess, and full of suffering, and had had these bulimic episodes of outrageous binge-eating…

….”well, in the Roman Times, you might have been considered normal, part of the crowd. I hear they had feasts and vomited afterwards.”

He wasn’t making fun of me. He had very gentle eyes and a kind face, and many books about eating issues on his shelves, and depression and the human condition.

I remember thinking later, on my quiet walk home, that maybe I wasn’t so weird.

Maybe there were more factors present here that I thought….maybe there was society, and my family, and me….all coming together to create this experience that looked like this terrible relationship with food.

Maybe there was a way out of this confusion. Maybe there was an explanation. Maybe I might find out where the misunderstanding originated.

I knew at that time, so young in life really, that it might not be so terrible and horrendous that I was confused.

Life was complicated, life was full of opposing beliefs, a vast collection of experiences, and big feelings.

Just thinking at that time, even before I ever knew about The Work, I was inquiring.

Instead of feeling completely and fundamentally overwhelmed and wrong and like there was no way out, no answers, no hope….I felt like there was.

Even though it took me many more years of exploration, failure, worry, doubt, success, comfort, learning, understanding….and I still am on the journey….I knew I wasn’t the special weirdo who was uniquely lost beyond hope.

“The education you need is within you. How can what is already within you be taught? It can only be realized. If you’re willing to go inside and wait for the truth, your inborn wisdom meets the questions, and the answer rings true as if it were a tuning fork inside your own being.”~ Byron Katie

I knew even as I felt insane with the pain of my relationship with eating that I was not born missing something.

That’s all I needed to know. I knew that was true.

You aren’t missing anything either.

Love, Grace

P.S. On Friday, September 13th I’ll be making available, after three years of working on it, an ebook on how to move from having a violent relationship with food, to having a friendly one….by doing nothing but examining and questioning your thinking. So exciting! I thought I’d tell you now.

Posted on

That Untrustworthy Person Healed Me

This week one of the wonderful inquirers I got to work with had a problem: an untrustworthy person in her life. 

That person seemed to be tricky. The identified party, the one who couldn’t be trusted, could apparently make the wrong move at any moment.

He withheld information, he had lied to other people, he had suspicious activity going on his cell phone…..texts and various conversations. Maybe ulterior motives. Something untoward.

All kinds of images came to the inquirer’s mind when she thought about this man.

She was deep into the thought that this person needed to change their behavior, become trustworthy.

And even if this happened and there was a big shift in what appeared to be sneaky moves…she wouldn’t relax until this man (a former employee) demonstrated “normal” or easy-going behavior. Not until there was a long space of time when he “proved” he wouldn’t do or say anything threatening.

This inquirer found a lot of stress present when she thought about this man. It was a pretty nervous way to be. Sort of waiting for a shoe to drop. Watching like a hawk, ready for the error, the mistake, the surprise back-stab.

This state of mind is what horror movies are made for! Anticipation! WHAT-IF….(!)

Often, this stressful state of anxiety in the mind only comes after something uncomfortable happened in the past…and the mind will come up with all kinds of ways to make sure it never happens again.

That painful situation must be prevented.

I could get hurt.

One of the most interesting ways to investigate the pain when someone in the present could potentially cause trouble….is to go back to the original situation where something difficult happened, something that was threatening, sad, shocking, scary.

Imagine that original terrible moment with full force, like you’re in a 3D movie, replaying the “worst” three minutes of the event.

In the inquiry process this week, this woman who was feeling scared and angry about her former employee’s presence called up the scene of the “crime” in the past.

I remembered my own past scene, a fearful memory where I was reading a letter, and discovered that someone I loved very much had been involved in activities I had no idea of, until that moment of reading the letter…and the activities appeared to involve quite a substantial and strange betrayal, involving me.

I had done The Work and questioned my thoughts about this moment already in the past, in fact several worksheets over time.

But I got to revisit the situation again, as I facilitated this wonderful inquirer on her own situation.

A core underlying belief that rose to the surface:

“I was very hurt….and I could get hurt again.”

Is that true?

YES! It was AWFUL when that happened! I NEVER want to go through that again! It was sooooo terrifying!

I lost a friend, I lost my innocence, I lost trust, it made me nauseated, I couldn’t sleep. That person was in danger, I was in danger, it was sick.

The inquirer found that when she believed this thought, she felt practically the same stress level as in the original situation. She had images flash through her mind of the events, the person doing and saying what they said. Her whole body reacted with panic, then anger.

A big stressful traumatic situation can be difficult to see without the thought that you were hurt, and you could get hurt again.

Without believing that you were hurt? How could that be? It seems like I was HURT!

One of my favorite ways of entering this question is to imagine if the entire scene was on pause, and I could walk around the scene looking at it from every angle, looking at the faces of everyone involved.

Or imagining myself to be dropped into that terrible scene from another planet, where they don’t believe in reviewing over and over again how hurt you were, or that you WERE hurt permanently.

Who would you be if you didn’t think that thought? If you didn’t believe what you’re believing? if you couldn’t think that you were hurt and that you could get hurt again?

This is NOT about pretending that you were not physically hurt or that something very critical and serious happened. It is not denial. The event happened.

But are you sure it could be repeated, in a similar way? Are you sure you were so hurt that you are not capable of having joy, love and kindness in your own life?

Are you sure you are not safe?

Who would I be in this moment, right now, without the thought that I couldn’t take that terrible scene ever happening again, that I couldn’t handle it, that I must brace against it ever repeating itself? Who would I be without the idea that this person means TROUBLE?

I’d notice that I am very safe and supported right now.

I am sitting on a chair, which is being supported by a floor, which is being supported by walls and a foundation, which is being supported by the earth.

Without the thought, I notice that I healed. I only lost two nights of sleep. I learned a HUMONGOUS TON from that experience. I see my own part, the times I didn’t say “no”, the insecurity I felt, the judgments I had towards that person before the difficult situation ever even happened.

Without the thought that I was permanently hurt and must make sure it doesn’t happen again, I start to remember what incredible things came out of that experience.

The inquirer working with me could see how her past difficult event led to her getting management training, and learning about legal matters with restraining orders, and noticing how powerful she was and what a great leader, and that she was open to the world with detachment and appreciation.

As the inquirer did The Work, she moved naturally into the turnaround: I was not hurt, I was healed….and I could heal again.

In that situation she could see how she evolved into a new, more powerful version of herself.

It may even have been one of the most important experiences, she confessed, to move her into a new way of being, bringing out her courage and confidence.

I was reminded through the inquiry that nothing is 100% disaster. Something comes out of everything that speaks of love.

“If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow. When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death comes, you are ready.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16 

Love, Grace

Posted on

Fear of Saying No

Several years ago, one of my daughter’s friends was staying with us for the weekend. They were excited for a double-night slumber party, and had many plans.

I thought they were very cute, collecting music and working out a project of some sort around preparing a dance number that would include the trampoline.

My daughter had made a list of what she wanted our family to have for dinner on one of the nights, and I had happily purchased all the groceries and a few treats.

During the second day, the two preteen girls came rushing into the house from playing outside, and the friend said “can we please have $20? We need to go to the store.”

I was so surprised by the question, I went mute and fumbled around.

“Uh…what for?”

“We’re getting a video, and we have some candy we want to buy, and we might want to buy some art supplies.”

I still said just about nothing. “Uh….uh….No, not right now.”

What the heck was going on?! I did NOT want to give them $20 to go shopping. It was a clear “no” inside.

About an hour later, I was talking to an old friend in another state far away, and I told her that this guest/friend of my daughter’s had just asked for $20, and my friend said “OMG, I absolutely cannot believe she asked you for money, that is appalling, how RUDE!”

I love that my friend had such a major reaction herself, just hearing about the request…because it helped me get a handle on why I was reacting with paralysis.

Now, I knew this girl was not rude. I knew she had no intention of being rude, or outrageous.

But I was so surprised, because it is social convention NOT to ask for money from friends, from other peoples’ parents, from your neighbors, even from people on the street.

It’s like…weird. If you ask for money (at least this was my story) then you were really down and out, it was embarrassing, it was awkward. Only desperate people ask for money.

Hadn’t this kid learned that yet?

Saying “no” to someone’s request seems very simple. Very straightforward. The sound is short, the word is quick. It’s even the same in many languages.

And yet…it will cause all sorts of thinking and mental energy to kick in…sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.

It all depends on what you think it may mean for you or for the other person AFTER you say “no”.

Even if you can’t anticipate their reaction, you may suddenly see they have a BAD or uncomfortable reaction when you say “no”, and BOOM, you may start feeling nervous.

So there I was with a twelve year old asking her what the money was going to be for that she wanted, when I actually didn’t care what she thought the money was going to be for.

The answer was “no”. Simple. I could have also said “don’t ask me for money, I don’t like it.”

But I decided to investigate my thinking. I have noticed some very similar responses to other questions, where I also had the answer “no” inside me, but hesitated or was surprised, or became anxious.

What was that?

She shouldn’t ask me for money, because WHY?

  • when I say “no” they may think of me as selfish or self-centered
  • their feelings will be hurt
  • they will get angry, upset, sad, disappointed
  • they will compare me to other people who say “yes” and think THOSE people are better
  • they will dismiss me, leave me, slink away from me
  • they will think I’m arrogant, close-minded, cheap

I realized, once again, that I believed this person shouldn’t even ask in the first place, because then I wouldn’t have to give my genuine answer and have them get all pissed off or disappointed.

I was avoiding conflict by not answering. I was avoiding responsibility.

In a twisty-turning way, I believed THEY should not even ask, so that I would not have to answer, so that they would not have to receive the answer, so that I would not be uncomfortable or unsafe when they reacted to the answer.

Gawd, so complicated.

Who would I be without the thought that I have to protect myself from other peoples’ feelings and reactions, or that I am the CAUSE of their discomfort?

Who would I be without the thought that there is something unsafe about speaking whatever is true for me in the moment?

The fairy tale Snow White and The Seven Dwarves is a great demonstration of this moment of “the ask”…

…the powerful queen asks the mirror “who’s the fairest of them all?” and when the mirror answers honestly that it’s someone else, the queen has a major hissy fit and wants to kill, kill, kill.

She didn’t like the answer she received, and things became dangerous.

But really, without the thought that I can anticipate the reaction, that I need to be gentle, that I might get a bad reaction, that I shouldn’t be too blunt, that I need to soften the truth, that I need to let someone down slowly, that I need to go easy on someone, that I need to be careful…

…I say no. No thank you. Thanks, but no. I hear you’d like a “yes” but the answer is “no”. That won’t work for me. Nope, not interested. No, I don’t want to go out with you. No, that movie does not appeal. No, I haven’t enjoyed that restaurant in the past. No, I prefer to stay home. No, I don’t want to talk. No, I’d rather not. No, I’m not really drawn. No, and I can see you’re upset, but the answer is “no”.

There really isn’t much agonizing over any of it. I’m not saying “no” with feeling of having to build up a force inside, or a wall, or a defense, or like I’m getting ready to face big consequences, like I have to stand up for myself and FIGHT!

It’s simple, open, empty. The answer happens to be “no”. No offense, no resistance.

I smile and say “no”, it makes me feel happy, kind to myself, uncomplicated. Like I can trust myself to be here for me.

What if saying no became the opposite of what I learned, what I believed before?

  • when I say “no” they may think of me as wise and clear
  • their feelings will be peaceful, my feelings will be peaceful
  • they will get excited, clear, happy, accepting (me too)
  • they will or will not compare me, and it will be fine whatever happens
  • they will dismiss me, leave me, slink away from me—no problem!
  • they will think I’m strong, capable, open-minded, unattached, without need

“My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes and no come from. To tell you Yes when my integrity says No is to divorce that partner.” ~ Byron Katie

I love that I am always here with me, being my absolute best friend, my most loyal lover, my favorite partner (my only partner, actually).

I really do know the answer to anything asked of me in any given moment. I can feel what’s true and what’s not. The integrity of it is loud and clear.

Following that personal answer is the greatest freedom. So sweet, so exciting, so trusting.

“If you want to know me, look inside your heart.” ~ Tao Te Ching #70 

Love, Grace