Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Have To, Must, Never, Always and Other Lies

Not long ago I was working with a lovely man concerned with his computer addiction.

“I have to quit” he said. “Hours and hours go by with me staring at the screen, bouncing from site to site”.

I remembered other inquirers looking at their internet use, signing up for porn sites either for free or paying for subscriptions, movies, you tube, vines, vlogs, blogs, research, reading articles, email, facebook, linked in, pinterest, google plus.

Uh…watching “non-dual” speakers (there are hundreds) talk about the nature of reality. Heh heh.

I remember another person I once knew when he first introduced himself to me talking about his sobriety and how he never, never, ever, ever, never would ever take a drink again and could never, ever be with people who drank alcohol.

He was drunk a couple of weeks later.

Pronouncements that are full of across-the-board this-is-it FOREVER often have a bit of an extreme edge.

They are infused with force. At least when I have uttered these kinds of statements and there’s a kind of push….then I feel angry, discouraged, defiant, terrified, violent.

Not exactly kind, easy-going, or peaceful.

A very common cry in the addictive cycle is to say words like “I have to” or “I will never” or “I will always”.

There you are, reaching for the big yummy container of ice cream, filled with craving. Or reaching for your cigarettes and lighter. Or thinking about that beer. Or feeling a need to check your emails. Or deciding to watch videos.

In that very moment, what do you want? If you engage in the behavior, did you get what you want?

I used to want to let my anger out. To talk to people and tell the damn truth for once.

But instead, I would then think “I can’t tell the truth, that won’t help, I’ll be rejected, my anger is too strong, I am too needy, I want to be a nice person but I don’t feel nice, I’m too critical, I’ll settle for over-eating instead.”

That all happened in about 2/10ths of a second.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON, don’t tell the truth, don’t be REAL. Worse things will happen.

You’ll be rejected, obliterated, annihilated, lonely, alone, dead, insane, you’ll hurt other people…it will be bad.

Seriously. Go for the behavior instead. Change channels. Shut the craving down.

It seemed like my best choice at the time, based on what I believed, to eat alone, instead of truly expose myself.

Who would you be without the thought that at your core, without the addictive behavior to “help” manage your feelings or cover up your unhappiness, you are rotten and unlovable (when you’re upset)?

What if you realize that yes, when you touch a hot stove it burns, but you don’t need to throw the stove out of the house or stay away from stoves for the rest of your life?

What if you could relax when you have a strong urge or craving, and be curious?

What if your want, desire, urge, reaching, grasping is just a part of you, and a part of this big interesting invitation to see what is really, honestly true for you in that moment?

Are you SURE you wanna do that thing you think you wanna do?

“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little”. ~ Thomas Merton 

Are you SURE you DON’T want to do it? Are you SURE you want to stop?

Ah, there’s a question. Because for me, the answer was obviously “no”. Because I didn’t.

What if I wasn’t so against and resistant to this terrible craving, so filled with fury, wanting to control it, anger, extreme thinking, emptiness?

Who would I be without the thought that I MUST stop, I have to, I can never, I must be vigilant, I should always….

Wow. Relieved. Fascinated. So much more energy. Connected. Wondering. Open. Possibility.

Free.

Could this craving be a gift?

I now look back and see….yes, yes, yes.

“Resist your temptation to lie by speaking of separation from God, otherwise we may have to medicate You. In the ocean a lot goes on beneath your eyes. Listen, they have clinics there too for the insane who persist in saying things like: ‘I am independent from the Sea, God is not always around gently pressing against my body.’ ” ~ Hafiz

Instead of shutting yourself down, medicating yourself with shame or unhappiness at your own behaviors, or lying about what an unreliable, grabby, addicted person you are….consider instead the turnaround to be true.

In that moment of desire, urgency, reaching…could there be something more satisfying, more thrilling, more wonderful, bigger, deeper, more beautiful than you’re aware of?

What if you are aware, you’re just pretending that you’re not? What if that’s the moment you’ve been waiting for….connection to All This?

What if you can handle the fire?

If I can, you can too.

The One Year Program is devoted to staying in inquiry, when you apparently think it might be easier to believe your lies. Join us.

Love, Grace

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The Work Stops World War Z

This past weekend, I was facilitating my Saturday morning dance and dripping with sweat and bursting with inspiration, as usual, and I decided to do a few cartwheels.

A few cartwheels is not a big deal for me, I did them non-stop from age 10 through 16 and then often beyond that, so they are kind of part of my natural movement.

But then I felt myself pretending I was on the gymnastics mat from almost forty years ago (astonishing, as it seemed like yesterday) and go for a round-off.

Suddenly I was back in my memories and living them out right in that moment….the run, the build-up, the intention to go hard, fast, and push off the floor and fly into that awesome movement of palms down to the floor, body flipping upside down and over, feet landing with a great spring and jump….

….and as I soared through the air, in my fantasies and in real life…..I felt a searing pain jab through my entire right leg from upper hip, shooting down into my knee and even my foot.

I did not fall, but it felt like my right hip was ripped out of the socket (that could be a little dramatic).

Thirty seconds later I was talking to myself “Yeah, that’s right. Walk it out. Keep moving, don’t sit down”.

I couldn’t have sat if I wanted to, there was such a huge pain in my right butt cheek.

I felt nauseated.

And then, I felt scared. And defiant. Like…OK that happened and NOW it is going AWAY.

Right? Universe? Hello?

In that moment of pain, and then the moments that followed, the mind kicked in with commentary about the situation.

  • Should I go to urgent care? But I’m still walking.
  • I need to know what happened, I need an assessment of the damage.
  • I’m an idiot.
  • Don’t let anyone see that you just did this to yourself
  • I am aging, just like everyone else. I can’t do gymnastics anymore (and this is terrible).
  • That was stupid.
  • Now I’ll miss: birthday party, bike ride, work, driving, doing whatever I want, accomplishing things around the house, writing (can’t sit up)
  • I can’t stand lying flat all day long, this is boring
  • I should welcome this opportunity like a meditation retreat
  • boy howdy, I’m not putting up with my no-dairy diet today! forget it!

Alarm bells! Panic Button! World War Z!

On the way home, wincing a bit and furrowing my brow, I could see my mind panic with visions of my end of life, no more dancing, sitting all crinkled up in a chair at age 100, suffering, remembering my life in gymnastics all those years ago.

Sad, upsetting, life-is-rough-then-you-die, down with pain, the beginning of the end, its over!

Thank goodness, as I took some turns into zombie-belief-land, turns out I had made a date to trade sessions in The Work with a very dear facilitator.

I wrote down my judgments on my hip, and all the ways it should change.

The most important being….it should not have gotten hurt. That simply shouldn’t have happened.

I watched my mind have a hissy fit. I made coffee and put half and half in it, even though I’ve been consuming no dairy for a few weeks. I felt sour.

I texted the two most top-level athlete friends I know and asked them for advice. One said something about tears and operations to reconnect ligaments.

I didn’t like this situation.

Stop. Is that true?

Even with the mind strategizing all the ways to heal quickly, prevent it from every happening again, and chide me for being stupid….can I really know that this SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.

Because it actually did happen. So arguing with reality is a bit, ummm, presumptuous.

“I don’t order God around. I don’t presume to know whether life or death is better for me or for anyone I love. How can I know that?” ~ Byron Katie

WITH the thought that this event shouldn’t have happened, and I should not be hurt, I am entirely focused on the hurt. The worry. Imagining my days ahead. Sorry for myself. Angry with myself.

WITH the thought that this shouldn’t have happened…cream in my coffee suddenly becomes necessary. I need things to taste good.

Stop again. Who would I be WITHOUT the thought that this should not have happened?

Such a bizarre and foreign question. The mind normally races off, so dang positive its right about getting hurt.

But what an incredible question to contemplate. What if I really did not believe that this was BAD BAD BAD? What would that be like? Who would I be then?

It’s an adventure. Everything I thought I was doing is cancelled. Open territory.

I’m right up into the deep questions of the cosmos. Not caught up in the to-do list and busy.

Everything stops.

I enter the opposite field, where all is well. I am studying this experience, instead of raging a war with it.

  • I lie down and take ibuprofen medicine
  • I don’t need to know what happened, or become a doctor and understand the entire gamut of possibilities and hip anatomy
  • I’m a normal human being, not a zombie OR special
  • I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of
  • I am aging, just like everyone else, halleluia. What a fascinating path.
  • do I really need to do round-offs to have a happy life?
  • That was brilliant!
  • Now I’ll gain: slowing down, staying home, watching a movie with my daughter, watching another movie with my husband, reading about Buddhist practice in business, doing nothing, having time to do The Work with my friend for 2.5 hours
  • I love lying flat all day long, this is exciting
  • this IS like a meditation retreat

I watched the advantages come alive about this situation, because I decided to look for them, not resist them.

Watching myself be human.

“When inquiry is alive inside you, thoughts don’t pull you away from loving whatever happens, as it happens. Pain is always on its way out; it’s the story of a past.”~ Byron Katie

In the moment of the round-off pain did I love it? Well. My mind did not. It was doing its Emergency Management thing.

But I notice that now, a few days later, and after doing The Work, I am relaxed, quieter. Writing this sitting up.

Drinking a cup of tea with coconut milk.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’re like me and you need support to stay in inquiry, connecting with other wonderful humans all of whom are interested in remembering to question their thinking….then come join either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass. Both meet on Thursdays.

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Obi-Wan Ken-YOU-Be, You’re Your Only Hope!

Even though I saw Star Wars when it first came out, all those years ago, and even though I’ve never seen it again, I still remember many fantastic scenes.

One of my favorite was the video message of Princess Leah saying “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”

She’s strong, proud, and powerful.

It seemed in the story, to me, that perhaps….just maybe….good things were coming to the princess.

She was sending out a request, but who knows, maybe there was Other Hope alive there as well.

The adventure! It was ON!

The other day I was working with a young woman who feels entirely unsuccessful in finding a mate.

She feels good about her fun career, her capacity to earn money, her opportunities for adventure, the closeness of friends.

But darn it, that ideal relationship is elusive.

Many people consider parts of their lives like miserable failures, or disappointments.

This is an interesting exercise in questioning your thinking….to really examine that place where you feel like a dolt, like you’ve made mistakes.

Like you just don’t measure up compared to others. Maybe you’re mediocre when you hoped to rock the house.

You had dreams….but….YAWN.

Maybe you’ve completely blown it.

Take a moment right now and consider where in your life you have beenunsuccessful.

Have you been unsuccessful, or less than brilliant, in your career? In making money? In being free from addiction? In being normal weight? In finding that fabulous beloved partner? In finishing that creative project? In becoming enlightened?

Now…let’s do The Work on this idea, that you are Less Than Genius when it comes to this subject.

You know what Brilliance looks like, what Success looks like.

It’s over there…that person is successful in this area. Not me.

First of all, get really quiet and answer this question: Is it true that you are not successful in this most important, wonderful, significant area for you?

Are you sure you are not successful?

Yes Yes Yes! I know what my life would look like if I were successful! NOT LIKE THIS.

I’m a loser in this area. (I’m even a loser for thinking so self-critically, I should love myself, right?)

Hold it.

Slow it down and see, if it was only you who can give the Final Answer. (I can hear the game show host from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and his voice saying IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?)

Is it true that you are unsuccessful in this arena you’re thinking about?

Yes or No are both fine. Just watch which one is actually true for you, it’s quite fascinating.

And now, next question….

…How do you react when you believe the thought that you are unsuccessful at “x”? What happens in that moment?

I used to feel so low, like the scum of the earth. A kind of heavy, flat weight, pulling me down to horizontal.

Acute depression. Bitter vicious stream of thought, calling myself names.

I ate food, lots of it, when I wasn’t hungry.

Then I’d feel worse. And numbly forget all about the original lack of success.

I wouldn’t even try to go succeed at whatever “x” was (for me it was having a fun, interesting job, earning money, connecting with others honestly, being real, saying “no”, finishing my book, sending my writing to publishers).

Why bother trying to change?

Look at all this evidence for my failure…..I had proof based on stories of the past.

I didn’t have The Work back then…but fortunately I had people in my life who were deeply encouraging, who reminded me of what I actually knew was really the truth….

….that I was successful in these areas.

Wait. What?

But. I don’t have a boyfriend! I don’t have a retirement account! I’m twenty pounds overweight! I binge eat! I need a job!

Yes, you read that correctly.

Who would you be if instead of thinking you are unsuccessful in this topic, that you are SUCCESSFUL.

Full of success. Capable, brilliant, sparkling, learning, growing, undefined, making course corrections, compassionate, kind to yourself, understanding, loving, waking up.

I notice that in every moment I’ve lived, I was always doing the best I could.

The critical mind tends to come in and quickly say “no you weren’t…you knew better…you should have done blah blah blah…”

But let yourself find examples of what you’ve learned, how you’ve been successful, how losing taught you something perhaps, how that intense experience supported you.

Even if you are a single person (and some part of you imagines it would be better to be in a relationship) see how you have been successful with who you are, with your experience.

How has it been of advantage to go slow, spend time alone, work extremely hard, be abandoned by that lover, not earn much money, not become a guru, be overweight, get sick, use drugs or alcohol?

Maybe when you stop riding yourself for your faults, you may find that the honest truth is that you’re peaceful with where you are in this moment with that apparently unsuccessful topic.

For me? I am so grateful for my under-earning, low, depressive, addictive, emotional reaction to life….

….because it all was a big fat wake up call.

It put me on this trajectory (the client said the same thing).

A humble learner. Someone going beyond their family traditions. Someone entering uncharted territory.

Someone living with the possibility of being joyful with What Is.

Maybe the entire way your life has gone is exactly the perfect path you’ve needed to find your freedom.

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have a hard time finding the advantages for past “failures”, or your current status, or your lack of freedom, or your not-quite-there yet….

….sit down and do The Work.

If it’s really hard, and you can’t imagine being your own only hope, you can join the upcoming two classes that start in September and get yourself some support to stay in inquiry: either the One Year Program (fantastic small group of genius inquirers) or the 8-week Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass.

Love, Grace

P.S. The One Year Program is filling: choose to join the teleclass, the teleclass plus solo sessions, or the teleclass/solo sessions AND in-person retreats. You may want to decide soon! Write with questions: grace@workwithgrace.com

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When Your Job Doesn’t Feel Like A Vacation

It is incredible to see how many people think about jobs, work, and activity that brings in money as a trap.

One big prison sentence of having to figure out what to do to earn money, find a job, and then trade services, time and energy for pay.

You give them your time, effort, expertise…and you don’t get to live your life freely! You can’t do what you want to do!

You’re workin’ for THE MAN! (Clenched fist).

Not long ago a man I was facilitating in The Work around his small business was talking about the 99% (the slogan used in the US addressing the disparity between the ultra rich 1% and then everyone else).

He was talking about how so many people are ripped off, never can get ahead.

He said he noticed how most people are part of the rat race and he said how sad that so many people hate their jobs.

It reminded me of myself and my past view of work and business, that I was FORCED by society to make an income, that I HAD to have a job.

I once had the same attitude about work, corporations, paychecks, that “they” are controlling my vacation time, and sick leave and the whole shebang.

When I had one job, around age 24 (my first after college) I dreamed about being somewhere better, of not having to go to work Monday through Friday.

I complained internally about HAVING to DRIVE to work when I’d rather STAY HOME. So many things to do, read, learn…..and work was a big interruption.

I did not have The Work back then, a way to practice personal self-inquiry with clarity.

Thank goodness I still found so much that I actually liked about that job. I met friends there, for example, who became friends for my entire life….really deep wonderful friendships.

But having a global attitude towards work and jobs spelling trouble, of jobs being “hard” or unsatisfying, can really leave a person stuck.

I remember a moment in my distant past where I was on my way to my office job in the big huge city I lived in, frustrated that I “had” to go.

It’s helpful to see what was really wrong with having to go, what I believed I was missing, what was most annoying.

  • its better if you get to do whatever you want all day long
  • having a schedule is a burden
  • I want to be doing “x” instead (watching movies, playing music, reading, sleeping, hanging out with my children)
  • my job is boring
  • I can’t quit this job because I need the money
  • its too hard to find another job
  • there’s no time for creativity, fun, joy in my day
  • they run my life (the employer, the supplier of the funds)

My perception of work in so many ways was that it was an imposition. 

The concept my client questioned was part of that field: I would rather be on vacation. 

It seemed really true.

Vacation vs working on the business non-stop day and night? Duh! Of course that’s true!

Are you sure?

Are you sure you want to change the channel, get out of this supposed “non-stop” experience of working, and be on vacation, whatever that actually IS?

Is vacating really such a draw? (I personally find sitting on a beach with a cold drink interesting for about 30 minutes).

As I facilitated this thoughtful client through his frustration with trying to run a little business, he discovered that often, he knew what it was like to live without the thought “I would rather be on vacation”. 

He only had that thought when he felt exhausted, tense, unable to let go of the outcome of his day.

Without the thought that he’d rather be somewhere else relaxing, he relaxed. He slowed down.

He noticed that he actually had a big and rather puzzling project in front of him: how to become successful, how to make the money flow more easily, how to serve more people, how to have fun while doing it all, how to love his work life.

He LIKED that project, even though sometimes he felt frustrated with it because he had to learn so much that was new.

The full turnaround opposite to the thought is “I would rather be here, doing this work, having my day, being myself, creating, building, generating”.  

I love finding examples of this turnaround for myself, sitting with them, feeling them, imagining them to be as true as the original stressful beliefs:

  • I am doing what I want, I feel passion, joy and focus in my business, I have purpose, excitement
  • having a schedule is huge freedom, I don’t have to think about it, I’m in service
  • Every single thing I think I’m missing, I already do: watch movies, play music, read, sleep, hang out with my children, rest
  • my job is very exciting, my job is being me, wherever I am
  • I don’t need money to have a happy life, I don’t need a vacation to have a happy life
  • its very easy to find new work, job, ideas
  • there’s great possibility for finding creativity, fun, joy in my day
  • they run my life (the employer, the supplier of the funds) and I’m so grateful!

“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them.” ~ Byron Katie

What if I can find happiness in whatever my status, job, position, work environment?

Wherever I am, whatever I do, whatever is going on?

“Use that opportunity of a diminished sense of self-worth and self-image, and step beyond. Then, perhaps, you’ll find a job – but your sense of worth no longer depends on what you do there, or what you don’t do, or achieve or don’t achieve. You will find some transcendence, and you can bring that transcendence into your next job. The clinging to mental images is not there anymore. You’ll be surprised how well you’ll do, in your next job, when the clinging to images isn’t there anymore.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

If you have thoughts about being unfulfilled, or wanting more vacation, question your thinking.

You may find fulfillment right here, right now.

And all you ever wanted in a vacation.

Love, Grace

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Feeling Like A Victim Is Suffering In Paradise

A few weeks ago I read about someone who was falsely accused of using sexual favors to grow her consulting business by a competitor.

Ouch.

The part that impressed me the most was that this woman (the incident happened over two decades ago) had the wisdom at the time to slow down and question her thinking.

She knew revenge, rage, fear, self-criticism or being against the situation somehow did not feel entirely right.

Most of us know this.

We can feel that when we’re thinking that person is a mean, vile, nasty, personality-disordered, vicious liar….

….our bodies are filled with stress, unhappiness, terror and sadness.

When we’re sure that if they hadn’t done what they did, that we’d be better off, then we’re the victim in the situation.

There’s no end to suffering when you are positive you were the victim.

This doesn’t mean to suppress and shut down our feelings. They rise up. It’s the opposite really. They are showing us what we believe about the situation.

The troubling feelings are the lighthouse signal that says “Hey there…watch out…there are big rocks over here and if you keep moving in this stress-filled direction, you might get grounded.”

If you do get grounded, it’s not the end of the world, of course. But you may have to rebuild your ship.

But how do you stop feeling like a victim?

First. Wait. Don’t do anything.

(If someone is shooting at you, you probably won’t even think about it—you’ll run. I’m talking about when the dust is settled).

Then sit down with a pen and paper. Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, the worksheet that captures your most painful beliefs about the situation as you look back on it.

The amazing thing about this worksheet, such a huge relief, is that you are petty, horrible, judgmental, critical, condemning right there on paper.

Say it all, say all the childish victim-y things that come to mind.

This gives them a chance to come out of you, onto the paper. Write for as long as you want. Be furious with your pen.

Then pick just one of the concepts you believe about this situation, this person, this wrongful attack, this person who is responsible for YOU being a VICTIM.

Who would you be without the thought that some person in the world has done you wrong?

Without the belief that they have made a mistake about you?

Wow, really?

But they did make a mistake! They are wrong! They should pay! It’s not fair!

Are you open to trying out the question?……Who would you be WITHOUT the belief that you are a victim in this situation?

It’s just a question.

I have found it’s a very exciting, very powerful, broad, expansive question.

And if you give yourself even a tiny drop of allowing yourself to imagine who you would be, you may begin to notice what freedom is.

At least, that’s what happened to that woman who I read about, in her difficult situation. And I’ve had the same experience myself.

When I began to just a teensy-weensy-teensy bit imagine the idea that I was not personally wronged or attacked…I notice a thrill of excitement that I did not imagine would appear.

What if that person was helping you, guiding you in a way, towards a broader, bigger, more loving and awakened life?

What if that person is showing you the direction to take? or NOT take?

I found that ultimately, the opposite was true when I thought someone hurt me…

….I actually hurt myself.

That person was helping me to see it.

That person was helping me to see how strong, capable, centered, and honest I could become.

That person showed me where I might have spoken up earlier, been kinder, been more conscious.

If you can’t see what good came out of that experience for you, even being WILLING to seeing something will bring you curiosity that you may notice is kind of exciting!

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” ~ Pema Chodron

What I see now, with my own personal inquiry, is how that person helped me stand on the ground of forgiveness with a rebuilt ship, and sail out into the wide blue ocean of brand new things being entirely possible.

Yes, that person assisted in my personal awakening.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”-as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering-the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have anyone who mildly or acutely feels disturbing in your life, past or present, and if you’d like help in slowing down and investigating for yourself…consider joining the upcoming 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starting Sept. 13th.

On the same day, in the afternoon, our One Year Group begins…if you’re ready to go long and deep, if perhaps you’re rebuilding your entire ship.

Love, Grace

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Those Upsetting People Should Stop

Yesterday the current One Year group resumed our telecalls (we always meet three times per month).

We are in our third month together, and we change topics each month, for the whole year.

(By the way, this is so successful that a second one-year group will begin Thursday, Sept 13, 5:15 pm Pacific). Click here to read about it.

This month, we’re looking at Those People who…..ARGG….

….the ones who bug us, who are dangerous, who should change, often lumped in as a group to a “type” of person.

In the past I’ve noticed my mind judging whole cultures, countries, caricatures, neighborhoods.

Those Americans, those drunks, those starlets, those Nazis, those construction workers, those corporations, those rich people, those narcissists, those prejudiced people, those New Age Non-Dualists (tee hee, had to throw that one in)…

…you get the idea.

Then, as you consider that collection of human “types” and the energy around any one of them, situations come to mind where you personally were involved with someone from that group and you felt uncomfortable, or you heard about it.

I never met Anne Frank or any Nazi, for example, but the image of those terrible soldiers was in my mind vividly when I read Anne’s famous and incredible autobiography when I was 14.

From this vision, I answer all the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I think about the most stressful moment, the most annoying, difficult, bothersome piece, and write my judgments about that one situation.

Today it was so moving to hear of peoples’ anger, rage, fury, irritation, sadness or jealousy about Those Other People.

Teenagers with boom boxes, parents who don’t control their children, complainers, avoiders, arrogant people, even beautiful parents with easy lives, intolerant people, or just bad music.

We all laughed together as we exposed our judgments, fears, and our strong belief that “I need that person/people to STOP”.

Can I really know that my life would be better, easier, happier if that person quit doing what they did?

Am I sure that the noise should stop, the words, the behavior, the sound, the questions, the complaints….is it true that it needs to stop for me to be comfortable, content, or peaceful?

I notice when I believe that someone needs to be shut down, or I need to get something from someone, or even, I need to be more like those people….

….I don’t feel peaceful. I feel conflicted, confused, upset.

I might even feel like I HATE them.

Who would I be without the thought that I need them to stop it?

As we all sat with this question in group inquiry, feeling the sensations in the body without the thought that they should stop, looking at those people doing what they are doing, hearing the sound that was so objectionable….

…many people noticed the body becoming open, warm, full of energy, even full of acceptance, love, compassion for those people.

Turning the thought around we all burst into laughter as we found “I need those people to keep doing what they do, I don’t need them to stop, I need me to stop; I need me to stop ruminating, concentrating, focusing and being so at war with them, or even with ME.” 

What if I actually moved towards those people, rather than away from them?

What if I turned and faced them, rather than resisted them?

“Let go an open to your world. Realize that trying to protect your territory, trying to keep your territory enclosed and safe, is fraught with misery and suffering. It keeps you in a very small, dank, smelly, introverted world that gets more and more claustrophobic and more and more misery-producing as you get older.” ~ Pema Chodron

Living the turnaround for me doesn’t mean I have to move in with the Nazis, or enter arenas where I know not to go….

….but I might find something beautiful as I allow them to be as they are.

I might find gratitude for what is present, now.

“No one has to question their thoughts. It can be very difficult to get that still. But it’s even more difficult NOT to get that still, and answer these questions. It is the way out of hell. We’re not used to that. It can be very uncomfortable, just the idea of being happy.” ~ Byron Katie 

The next One Year Group starts on Thursdays, Sept 13, 5:15-6:45 pm. You can choose to enroll in the telecalls only, or add 4 solo sessions and/or the two in-person weekend retreats in Seattle (these will be so much fun, and powerful). We meet until August 2014.

I Like This Restaurant
“Doing the work over the years without training or knowing anybody actually doing the work, (I found people willing to talk about the work but none willing to put it on paper), I craved association with others actually doing the work. In taking this class and associating with you all is even more satisfying than I had anticipated. I so enjoy spending time with anybody willing to question their thoughts, willing to face the discomfort that comes with believing that thought and then move into joy. Very real, I like this restaurant and want to come back again & again.” S, Year Of Inquiry Group  

Come enjoy the intimate, caring experience of making a year of appointments with Self-Inquiry….a small group (limited to 14) to hear you and support your work, and the power of noticing what is Real and what is not.

Love, Grace

 

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Be Simply Yourself, Saying No (Or Yes)

The experience of Not Enough of something can feel like being caught in a vice, squeezed so tight you can’t breathe.

Not enough money, not enough time, not enough happiness, not enough sleep, not enough exercise, not enough enlightenment.

Today I was noticing my calendar fill to the brim, and I mean maximum back-to-back appointments, classes, workshops, administrative meetings, writing time, gym.

I thought “does everything REALLY have to be scheduled just to even remember to fit it in?!”

Apparently, yes.

I’ve forgotten to send invoices to clients and therefore not received payment for services, I’ve double-booked myself and had to quick reschedule people, I’ve missed a good friend’s birthday party, I’ve skipped stopping at the grocery store when I really did need to buy some groceries.

I’ve stayed up until midnight because I happened to notice that I’m being interviewed ON THE RADIO tomorrow and they needed a little written introduction that I had forgotten to put together.

(More about that after its recorded–you’ll be the first to know!)

But this is a tipping point we all sometimes experience, a period of time where I’m being invited to live differently in the midst of having a lot of requests for my time.

The thing is, I like saying Yes.

And I can’t say Yes to everything, it turns out.

Sigh.

In this very moment, with people texting, emailing, calling, leaving messages (I picture Wall Street with a crowd of people in suits yelling for an appointment) I have this moment to be still….even though there is activity, it seems.

“I could disappoint someone if I say No.”

Even my kids, my husband, or a close friend!

Is that actually true?

YES. I’ve seen it in their faces. I’ve heard them say “MOM….can’t we go to a movie sometime? You work a lot!”

And by the way….disappointing people is bad. It’s uncomfortable. They don’t like it. I immediately feel worried, my attention moves in their direction, it requires energy, I have to fix things, or else.

Really?

When I feel the burden of believing that saying “no” could disappoint someone, and that this disappointment is disturbing for ME at some level, then my reaction to having that thought is not fun.

I feel sick to my stomach. I feel speeded up, tense, moving very very fast, busy, busy, busy. My mind feels lit up, concentrating on how to solve the problem of disappointing someone.

That person might get mad, or might get sad, it doesn’t matter. Both bother me.

But who would I be without that thought?

What if I didn’t believe it was upsetting to disappoint someone, that it was terrible if they felt unhappy when I said NO, or even when I forgot?

I would see that person, with their disappointed reaction, the look, the gesture, their words….and I would notice how honest they are, and real.

I would love their expression of communication.

It wouldn’t mean they hate me (even if they say they do). It would simply be human being honest, waiting, moving towards or away.

The funny thing is, when I do not believe the thought that it is bad to disappoint someone, or for that matter….bring out a stressful reaction of any kind in someone else….

….then I am truly free to be lovingly, beautifully, simply HONEST.

No fear of what will happen. No need to please, or hope to please.

Without the thought that I know what people like to feel, and I’m gonna make it happen….I let go in a way that is so sweet, and a bit frightening, and untethered, that it feels like fantastical new territory.

“To think that you know what’s best for another person is to be out of your business. The result is worry, anxiety, and fear. When you mentally step out of your business, you think that you know more than he, she, or God. The only real question is ‘Can I know what’s right for myself?’ That is your only business. And, as you eventually come to see, not even that”. ~ Byron Katie

I love the lightness of only being responsible for me, for my own No or Yes.

From that point, I can control nothing. People will have their responses. It’s not my business.

This isn’t said in an uncaring, defensive way, like WHATEVER…go have your little hissy fit, I don’t care!

No. It’s a compassionate, easy allowing of what is.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” ~ Tao Te Ching #38

Today, if you were really truly yourself, without a care in the world for how other people might respond….what would you answer….yes, or no?

Love, Grace

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There’s No Reason To Shut Your Mind Off

Some time ago, a private group of close friends asked me to come meet with them and guide them through a short training in The Work, so they could support each other in questioning their beliefs.

I was very inspired by their commitment to sincerely look at how to even identify their stressful thinking, much less write it down!

Or say it out loud! Gasp!

They had thoughts like these:

  • I just feel awful, nervous, angry, depressed….I don’t know why
  • When I go home, I am annoyed with my kids!
  • I hate the way I act with those I love
  • I don’t know why I can’t stop overeating, or why I don’t exercise like I used to
  • My spouse is so tiresome, he talks too much (or too little)

I could see and hear that as they spoke about their upsetting situations of life-with-family, they so quickly felt bad about themselves and their own behaviors, thoughts, or feelings….that they wanted to skip over their judgments or criticisms of the annoying people in their lives.

This can make the inner world feel like a ping-pong ball session….

…I hate that person—I hate myself for hating that person—hating myself is unbearable—but I hate that person—I hate myself for hating that person—hating myself hurts but I’m trying to control it—but I hate that person—I hate myself for hating that person….

You get the idea. BOING BOING BOING.

No solution in sight.

It’s almost like every time the energy of angst, irritation, resistance towards that person appears, it builds up even more.

If you keep going with this kind of inner experience, the weight of it may become so heavy it feels like depression, hopelessness, or apathy.

I loved working with these lovely people, who all knew each other so well, so willing and so full of desire to take a look at their uncomfortable thinking.

Even though they were doing The Work on long-term relationships, those people they had known for their entire lives in some cases (sister, father) I asked them to picture just one situation with that difficult person where the feelings generated were big….and very stressful or painful.

Even though the mind will see many situations, multiple ones if you’ve known the person a long time, where that person was irritating or puzzling….it is very helpful to pick only one.

This is what Byron Katie is talking about when she says to think of one difficult situation, and do The Work on that one.

It narrows down the field.

The mind can be very busy, fast, expansive and all-inclusive.

With one situation in mind, that troubling moment, get it really vivid. Picture the time of day, the location you were in, the sounds and light.

There is that obnoxious or frightening person, doing what they did, saying what they said….and you are holding this “scene” in your mind while you write.

Suddenly, the huge feelings that seemed so confusing, heavy, dark, uncomfortable or foggy may have a thought connected to them.

What do you want, in that situation? What should be happening, that is not happening? What do you need? What should NOT be happening, that IS happening?

In this exercise of identifying what you are thinking, you get to stop criticizing yourself for thinking it.

Yes, the thoughts may be very, very harsh, critical, sour, or full of attack.

This doesn’t mean you are a bad person.

It means you’re a human.

I loved watching the A-Ha moments as the friends working on their stressful situations discovered how to slow the entire process of The Work down and move through inquiry from beginning to end.

Not jumping to turnarounds instantly and slapping themselves in the face emotionally for being so critical and horrible.

But instead opening to understanding their critical stream of thoughts, with compassion.

“There’s a fairy tale about whenever this princess would start to say mean words, toads would come out of her mouth. You begin to feel like that’s what’s happening. Or you’re poisoning yourself with your own mean mindedness. And yet, do you stop? No, you don’t stop, because why? Because you associate it with relief from this feeling. You associate it, basically, with comfort.” Pema Chodron

In self-inquiry, rather than forcing yourself to stop thinking mean thoughts about people you love, you look at them closely.

You give yourself a break.

You give the meannie mind a forum, a voice, for once.

Next time, that bratty, vicious, nasty voice might not have to be so loud. It feels heard.

You’ve given it attention, rather than fighting it all the time.

Life becomes lighter.

Maybe even a huge weight is lifted.

“The enlightened mind is the mind that you can find no valid reason to shut down.The mind is a seeker. It just wants to know what is real and what isn’t. It’s fascinated by itself.” ~ Byron Katie

Let your apparently judgmental mind have its voice, on paper, rather than shutting it down.

You may become fascinated with yourself in the best way possible….with love, affection, attention, and understanding.

Love, Grace

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Question Your Past, Change Your Future

Is it time to practice, contemplate, and learn even more in the School of Your Life?

Two spots left for Mini Retreat in northeast Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage this coming Saturday 1:30-5:30 pm. Earn 4 CEUs for mental health professionals.

Click here to register and join us!

An online version of this retreat is in the works (thank you all who have written to request this). Stay tuned.

And speaking of taking time to sit and do The Work….

….someone asked me the other day about doing The Work when her anxiety is very high, when the situation is frightening, when she feels panic.

It all depends.

Every situation is unique, and sometimes, there are moments where movement and action appears to be the most natural or obvious activity, not necessarily stopping to take out a pen and paper.

It seems there is a natural place self-inquiry; observing, contemplating, and slowing down, feels loving and gentle and full of insight.

Right in the middle of a huge car accident is not necessarily the time to rush to the middle of the street and ask a person with a broken or hurt body “can you absolutely know this is true?”

When someone is full of shock, or grief, or fear….the feelings coursing through their body may seem to have a life of their own, a movement of nature.

Eckhart Tolle describes in his book The Power of Now a moment where he watched two ducks sail towards each other on a still pond, ready to attack and defend their own territories.

A skirmish ensued, biting, snapping.

Then, the fight was over. As Eckhart watched, he noticed the ducks both moving in opposite directions, flapping their wings, as if shaking off excess energy.

He goes on to describe his reflections on this surge of energy, this apparently intense experience, and how the human mind often grabs something that creates intense feeling, and begins to obsess, think, and/or ruminate on what happened.

“If the duck had a human mind, it would keep the fight alive by thinking, by story-making. This would probably be the duck’s story: ‘I don’t believe what he just did. He came to within 5 inches of me. He thinks he owns this pond. He has no consideration for my private space. I’ll never trust him again. Next time he’ll try something else just to annoy me. I’m sure he’s plotting something already. But I’m not going to stand for this. I’ll teach him a lesson he won’t forget.’ And on and on the mind spins its tales, still thinking and talking about it days, months, or years later.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

The thought of inquiry and using the mind to investigate what is true, is of course absurd for animals in nature….but I love that the human mind has this possibility for deep understanding.

So, a situation occurs that produces stress of some kind. Fear, sadness, anger, rage, upset, worry.

There is a surge of energy. The feelings course through the body.

You will know when that wave of feeling would naturally be over……when you have entered a place where you are keeping the memory alive, replaying it, recreating it, talking about it yet again.

That is the perfect time for The Work.

The perfect time to have great compassion for yourself, instead of telling yourself you SHOULD be over it by now.

That situation happened. There is no changing it, no matter how much you wish you could alter the past.

And yet, as you question your very painful beliefs about that fight that happened, the fear, the person you encountered, that uncomfortable conversation, the difficult incident, that accident, the emergency you lived through….

….you can come to peace with reality. You can see that what happened is now truly over.

If you’d like to dive in and take a look at your relationship to someone from the past, to a troubling memory, to your career or money….anything that creates stress when you think about it….

…then set aside some time to sit quietly and go through the process of inquiring into your own mind.

If you’d like support to keep yourself sitting in that chair (instead of getting up to do the laundry or check emails) then join a small group in a powerful in-person half-day retreat this coming Saturday in Seattle.
Any topic, person, situation, experience, or dilemma that you’d like to understand better, meet with compassion, or shift, is welcome for The Work.
If you live far away from Seattle or wouldn’t be able to come, then gather several friends and create your own retreat.
The freedom of being at peace with that past situation could change your entire future.
I’ve found this to be true for me.
“When we take care of the past, when we question what we are believing about the past, it shifts…..The future can only be projected from the past, so when we love our past, because we have done The Work with it, then we love the future. So any images that come, we are in a constant state of not just acceptance, but excitement.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

 

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Regretting The Past Hurts – Until You Question Your Thinking

A very painful human experience is the feeling of regret.

I know this because not only have I felt it myself, but also worked with so many people who felt very burdened by regret.

There is that situation I remember, and the present thoughts in the mind look like this:

  • I regret I didn’t spend more time with him/her
  • I regret that I said “yes”
  • I regret that I said “no”
  • I regret that my actions caused pain for other people
  • I regret that I stole, lied, hated, judged

The origin of the word “regret” partly comes from an old Norse word “grata” which means to groan.

Such a terrible feeling as I remember what happened that I silently groan with sorrow, wishing the outcome was better….replaying how it could have gone differently, full of lament.

And always, regret involves looking backwards, at memories, at the past.

It can be immensely powerful to look at what you regret in your life with a mind open to investigation of your painful situation…..rather than certainty that what you did was wrong.

When you recall a situation where you are sure you did something wrong, and you feel sick to your stomach, sorry, tainted for life, rotten, inadequate or deserving punishment….

….even in the middle of having the confusing, conflicted, desperate, despairing feelings….

….can you absolutely know that the way it went was truly 100% awful?

Can you know that you were wrong?

Yes, yes! I shouldn’t have done that. Everyone would agree.

A client I worked with was so upset with himself for being so angry with his father, for having the feeling of anger instead of love.

How do we react when we believe that we did it wrong?

I berate myself, I say I was stupid. I think about the other people involved or those who were distressed and either wish I had never met them, or wish they would go away forever. I criticize those people.

I criticize all of us.

When I believe that something, someone, did it wrong….then I feel anger, punishment, fear.

I say “I can’t believe I did that.”

Well who would I be without the thought that I did it wrong, or they did it wrong, or that the entire thing was wrong?

Without the thought that it went badly, that it was a disaster, that if only it went differently then it would have been much better?

I am immediately here in the present moment.

The memory I see of the past discretion, is only a picture in the mind. It came and went. It’s complete.

it’s over.

I feel excited about NOW.

“Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Then I turn the thought around to the opposite: I did it right.

Really?

Naw. Not possible.

Hmmmm.

What if I stop being such a dictator towards myself, and I open up to the idea that I CAN believe I did that?

What if something about how it went was just right for that situation, that time and place?

What if I stop having such high, extreme, perfectionist, cutting expectations of myself…and I join the human race?

I did it right.

I take a deep breath, and begin to look how this may also be as true, or truer, than my original condemning thought that I did it wrong.

Yes, I did it right.

(It doesn’t mean I will ever do it that way again, which would be impossible anyway).

  • I spent exactly the right amount of time with him/her, I received all I needed, they received all they needed
  • I accept that I said “yes”, I see what I learned, I see what didn’t work and I made adjustments
  • I am content that I said “no”, I have infinite other options now
  • It was powerful that my actions caused pain for other people, and I notice that everyone is actually fine
  • When I stole, lied, hated, judged it showed me what I thought was real at the time, but wasn’t…it showed me how stuck I felt, how trapped

“Resist anything with regret, judgment or blame and you’re resisting your own full awakening, the embodiment of your realization of truth. Truth leaves nothing out, no one out, it includes everything and everyone, and every shitty thing that ever happened, and every shitty person you’ve ever known. Everything and everyone is serving your full awakening.  Deny this truth, and you are back in suffering.” ~ Adyashanti

Today, see if you can find an example of how it really is OK that you did that regretful thing, that it served your awakening in some way, that it taught you some piece of Truth for yourself.

See if you can feel how gentle it is that it’s OK that you are the human being who did that, that you were not perfect.

“…it could be that you’re believing something that you don’t believe. It could be that you’re trying very, very hard to believe what you don’t believe. You question what you’re trying to believe and give yourself a break. Cut yourself free and open up to life.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. If you notice many regretful or stressful thoughts about past relationships, then you may love joining the 8 week telecourse starting in September: Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. A fabulous way to do the work with a small group. Question your thinking, change your relationships!