Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Could I Be Wrong About Myself?

Feeling remorse about your own behavior is a horrible feeling. It hits you in your body, your stomach, and in your feelings and thoughts like a dark sticky cloud.

Not long ago I was working with a woman who had the same bulimia behaviors I used to have. Going on these eating frenzies, consuming frantically, and then forcing herself to vomit once she couldn’t hold any more.

As I sat in my quiet cottage, on skype, hearing this woman’s words and sadness (which I’ve done many times with many clients) I remembered vividly the strange trance of addiction with food.

It can be any addiction really.

The urge seems to enter into your world and take over, like a magical evil fog.

Then the actual behavior, so destructive and painful. Sometimes like a tornado, sometimes violent, sometimes getting up and going back to the fridge for a little more, and then a little more, so many times until being stuffed.

Then later, I’d wake up after the whole nightmare was over and have some period of rest….before the next time.

No matter what it is you did when you feel regret, it’s pretty stressful…but when you’ve engaged in addictive behavior of some kind like overeating…your sense of esteem after the whole episode is over can be absolutely horrendous.

I did it again. I’m such a loser. I’m so weak. I’ll never change. No one would love the real me, that does this. I’m greedy, selfish, wrong. I deserve to die. 

There are tons of other activities that seem to enter the human experience of addiction.

Eating, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking, cleaning the house compulsively, watching screens/videos/TV, shopping, pornography, lying, betting.

All of them offer a phase of reflection, when the behavior or activity is completed for the moment, and regret and remorse enters the scene.

It felt like I was my own worst enemy, but it was super heavy in those moments after the current storm passed. Before the next one.

I couldn’t stand myself. I couldn’t take this cycle anymore. If it kept going, I would prefer to die!

The thing about these terrible moments is that there is tremendous emphasis and focus on how terrible we are…..and it hides some other really, really important stressful beliefs.

Even when what you did wasn’t all that bad, but it’s something you promised you wouldn’t do again.

You procrastinated, you bought another music CD, you yelled at your kid, you ordered another book.

In that moment, when normally you’ve hated yourself, see if you can dig in and find some other beliefs, even if the ones that are against you are screaming loudly, that were happening BEFORE you went on your raving trip into mind-altering behavior.

Often, there is something that scared you. Something that made you really mad (also fear). Something that made you sad (fear of loss). Something that made you uncomfortable (fear again). Something that made you giddy (huge excitement, kinda feels like fear).

Bingo.

If you can find one thing you were afraid of a few hours ago, right before you had the idea to go on a binge, right before you decided you had to have a cigarette.

If it wasn’t before, don’t even worry much about that.

Just notice what you think of as scary in your life.

The client I was working with noticed one thing she was afraid of in those evening moments, alone in the house, hours before bedtime, when she felt like eating everything in sight.

Empty space.

Then her mind would start to think about what she should be doing, from cleaning the bathroom to developing her career and earning more money, to finding a mate.

It was easier to start snacking.

But, not really.

It is not easier to avoid your thoughts. It is not easier to avoid your feelings. It is not easier to pretend that your thoughts aren’t bothering you.

It is easier to notice that you are a believer of very painful beliefs.

And investigate if they are true.

I found that actually, it’s your only choice.

“People who aren’t interested in seeing why everything is good get to be right. But that apparently rightness comes with disgruntlement, and often depression and separation. Depression can feel serious. So ‘counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened FOR me, rather than TO me’ is not a game. It’s an exercise in observing the nature of life. It’s a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.” ~ Byron Katie

In that moment, when your head comes up out of the water and you’ve stop eating, or spending, or you wake up sober….

….can you even consider the turnarounds to be as true or truer than your thoughts about how awful you’ve been.

I did it again. Some part of me is losing, and that’s OK. I’m so powerful. There is a central part of me that never changes (good), and I have the power to change at any second. The whole world loves me, even when I’ve done my crazy behaviors. I’m greedy for love and joy (good), I’m selfish and that is appropriate, I’m afraid. I deserve to live. 

What is this moment, this thought, this experience offering me? There is a gift.

Yes, even in this painful moment.

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Being Upset About A Flawed Body

Have you ever looked at pictures of yourself and felt that clench inside of disappointment, or shock, or pleasant surprise that you look like that?

Some of us have friends who are always putting up their hand when someone takes out their camera or phone to take a picture. They’re done with all that.

They don’t ever want to look at themselves frozen in a moment in time…it might produce a really harsh inner criticism, or fear of some kind.

Once I heard a friend recount finding photos of herself in high school when she was only 17.

All these years later, at age 48, she looked back at her previous self and remembered how at that time, in her own mind, she had thought of herself as ugly with fat thighs and pimples.

Here in the present, she was looking at herself and noticing how beautiful the image was of that teenager.

Then I heard her say “Now, I really AM overweight, and my face is so wrinkled! I didn’t have a clue back then! I should have appreciated myself!”

I thought with compassion, isn’t it strange that in the present moment, whenever the present moment is, she doesn’t view herself as beautiful.

The pattern repeats.

Even if you like seeing photos of yourself sometimes, and you think “hey, not bad” it often causes an inner reflection or awareness to present itself.

You see for a moment this body, this face, called “you” from an outside perspective. Maybe more like others see you.

It’s funny that as we walk around, move here and there, we are almost always seeing what appears to be beyond us, outside of us…mostly in front of us.

We see with these eyeballs, and they look out and forward.

But as soon as you think about it, you notice there is much more here than meets the eye….as the wonderful phrase goes.

Douglass Harding, who lived a long life and died in 2007, wrote about this in his wonderful book “On Having No Head”.

His work brought about his approach to understanding reality and consciousness, called the “Headless Way”.

Hilarious!

Here I am walking about, and all I see is arms, hands, feet, legs, torso.

Definitely No Head.

Even when I’m looking at a photo image of apparently whatever is me in this lifetime at one particular moment, I am looking only at an image.

I’m looking at a piece of paper. Or a reflection in a mirror.

If I close my eyes, I get to feel all that is there that doesn’t “meet the eye”.

I love that one way to study this, is with The Work. Inquiry into that moment of the clench, when you’re looking at a photo of you (or in the mirror) and you judge it as flawed.

“What I see is flawed.” 

Let’s examine this thought. First, is that true?

YES. I used to look better. I used to have smooth, tight skin. YES. I always wanted curly hair, darker skin, muscular legs.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that the image you see represents flaws, that it is an image of a flawed physique?

No.

Even if you answer this question with “yes”….keep going with inquiry.

How do you react when you believe the thought that what you see is flawed?

Discouraged. Afraid of aging and dying. Worried about being rejected. Thinking I’m not good enough. Angry at “this society” for caring so much about appearance. Full of blame or confusion.

Who would I be without the thought that this body is flawed?

Why, I would be the way I am almost all of the time when I’m going about my life in the world….all those times I don’t think about it because I can’t actually even see it.

Without the thought, I realize that I myself only see all the other heads, and bodies, not this one, most of the time.

I can give myself this one moment, where this image HAS come across my path, to love that image, to find it curious, to not think I know what is flawed or perfect.

I turn the thought around, as I stare at this image called me. “What I see is not flawed, it is exactly as it should be.” 

Can you find real, living examples of why what you are seeing should be just the way it is, and no different?

Seeing this image, I remember that this body is very temporary, it is decaying and will dissolve. I am reminded of something that is far, far beyond a body, that is different from this physical thing.

This reflection is as it should be, with wrinkles and blotches and bumps and lumps and sags. Could I just say “oh goodie” for a change?

Oh goodie, I don’t have to live here forever even though I do love it here (on planet earth). Oh goodie, there’s no point in putting on make up, it makes no difference, and I always found the whole make-up thing a bit boring. Oh goodie, all I have to do is relax.

Oh goodie, what I see is not ME anyway.

Perhaps it is my thinking that is flawed, in the moment I feel resistant to seeing myself, the moment I worry about physical flaws.

“You are divine at centre, human in appearance – at a certain range. Seeing who you really are doesn’t mean you are no longer aware of your appearance, no longer self-conscious – that’s impossible as well as undesirable. So you still respond to your name, still recognize yourself in the mirror, still take responsibility for your actions. Of course. But you are now aware that your humanity is like a disguise, an incarnation you have taken on to be here in this world.” ~ Douglas Harding

Look in the mirror today, and stay there, reviewing especially any flaws, and see why you want them to go away….you may be surprised.

“When we know we’re going to die, when we really get that, in that moment we realize that we’re not in control. And then we get to watch. We get to watch this beautiful way of it. And love it..” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Mini Retreat To Help Answer The Questions

Just yesterday I was telling a physical therapist working with me about what I do for a living.

We only had a few minutes…I had to distill down self-inquiry, The Work, investigation of reality in 3.5 minutes or a few short sentences.

I was lying on my back on a table, and she was leaning on my leg with my foot up towards the ceiling, stretching out the hamstring….the whole leg was shaking.

I told her that the idea was to consider a situation that creates stress in your life…there could be many, but you think about just one.

(The stretch was almost killing me, but not QUITE).

She nodded.

Then, I said, as you think about that one situation, I told her to identify a stressful concept that you really believe is true.

She stayed with me so far. And kept pushing and leaning on my leg.

“Like, the thought ‘he shouldn’t have said that!'” she asked?

Perfect!

Then I said, OK, so here are the four questions you then ask yourself, about that stressful concept.

1) Is it true? 2) Can you absolutely know its true? 3) How do you react when you think that thought? 4) Who would you be without that thought?

Her eyes grew wide, and then she said “HOLY COW THAT IS REALLY COMPLICATED, I mean, those are HUGE QUESTIONS! How can you even answer that??!”

I laughed! Yes, so true!

She told me to sit up and we were done. Appointment over!

Bam, she was gone.

These are indeed big, wide, expansive questions that almost seem crazy if you’ve never asked them before.

I loved that moment, aware of how spectacular the fourth question is, asking who you would be without believing that thought?

Most of us have never even considered this before.

And yet, we CAN answer these questions.

Just thinking about how you would answer them, simply considering them, is a huge step in itself.

Seriously, my journey started with looking at the first question: Is It True?

I made a face like I smelled something bad when I first heard that question.

WHAT?

You talkin’ to me?

Yes, I am.

YOU can answer these questions. And see what happens.

If you’re totally puzzled, and it’s easy enough for you to come to a Saturday afternoon in Seattle for four hours of contemplating these questions, letting the process sink in, practicing moving all the way from beginning to end of The Work…

…then come on over to a lovely afternoon of inquiry on October 19th.

That is two weeks from today, exactly.

Only two more mini retreats this year: 10/19 and 11/30.

Treat yourself to time to answer some REALLY HUGE QUESTIONS!

Amazing things can happen when you do.

If you live really far away from Seattle, then stay tuned. There are group teleclasses coming up….and the next YOI (Year of Inquiry) Group starts in January (limited to 12).

Getting It Now
“When I first encountered The Work I thought it was BS, to be quite honest. It seemed like some weird flip-your-thinking scheme and I couldn’t relate. But I kept running into people who mentioned The Work—all right already! I took a class with Grace and it’s never been the same. She is so patient, compassionate, and truly a living example of The Work in action. I flew across the country to do an in-person with her. I say try it, you got nothing to lose except your stress.” ~ Rhode Island 

Much love, Grace

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I Should Be Loving? Not True

I should….I need to….I have to….I will….

Most of us know from experience that ordering ourselves around doesn’t seem to work too well.

I’ve spoken with many people who have given up making New Year’s resolutions, or who have stopped putting themselves diets, or who have allowed more time for quiet in their lives where they make zero plans.

But one tricky, tricky little place of the shoulds, need-to’s, have-to’s, and making plans for turning over a new leaf or mapping out your goals is in Being Spiritual.

I shall explain.

After doing The Work for awhile, probably at least a couple of years, I had a major revelation.

There was one individual who I didn’t really have much trouble with. But I didn’t exactly like her or want to be her friend.

Her voice bothered me. I would describe it as “plastic”.

I would see her regularly at a board meeting. If she started talking I would get a sort of feeling inside like oh-lord-when-will-she-stop?

After doing self-inquiry on it a couple of times I found, back then, that I definitely judged her for being too cutesy, bright and smiley….

…..because I myself had been cutesy, bright and smiley sometimes when inside I felt angry, upset and like frowning.

In other words, I absolutely found the turnarounds to be as true, that as I looked at her, the fake-nice thing I perceived in her that came out in her voice was actually something I had done, many times.

And then it dawned on me that I expected myself to be drawn to her, consider her a friend, and say “yes” to her if she asked me out for tea.

I had believed for a very long time in the following shoulds/needs/have-to’s/ and that I ought to “will” myself to be more spiritual:

  • I should love everyone
  • I need to be nice, soft, unassuming, humble
  • I should say “yes” if people ask me to spend time with them
  • I have to be polite, say thank you, excuse me, and I’m sorry
  • I will pray, meditate, read spiritual books and get myself together as a loving, enlightened, good human
  • I should at LEAST accept everyone (if I can’t get it together to love them)
  • I shouldn’t be so nit-picky, mean, judgmental, rude, bossy (even on the inside)
  • I need to apologize, be sweet, kind, generous, charitable, and self-less
  • I have to be spiritual!

The bumper sticker did not say “What would Grace Bell do?”

It said “What would Jesus do?!”

Because what I would do was mundane, or stupid, not quite good enough! Or unloving! Or selfish! I must train, train, train in spiritual endeavors!

Phew!

So let’s take a look.

I need to love (or accept) everyone.

Is it true?

Yes! That would be awesome! A loving person would not hate someone’s voice. How petty is that? Jeez, get it together!

Is it true that you should not have preferences, that you shouldn’t be repulsed, or attracted to people?

Is it true that you should love everyone?

A spiritual teacher called Mooji once said during a satsang that when Jesus went into the temple where people were busy selling things, which he found disgraceful, he was not exactly there to be loving.

Word has it that Jesus knocked over the tables of the merchants.

Gandhi called for the British to withdraw from India and led a huge national protest.

Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus.

Well, now that you put it that way….

…..No, it’s not absolutely true that every moment I should love and accepteveryone.

How do I react when I believe the thought that I should?

I notice that I have a limited definition of “love” and “acceptance”.

I think it’s supposed to look sweet, kind and gentle. I think it’s supposed to mean saying “yes”.

When I believe that I should be “loving” I am thinking I should not be angry. I should not interrupt. I should send cards. I should say please and thank you.

When I believe the thought that I ought to loving and accepting, I don’t speak up, I avoid people who bring up negative feelings inside me.

I also think everyone else around me should feel happy and good, in my presence!

I get up out of my seat on the bus because that’s the way everyone has done it and I don’t want to cause a ruckus.

When I believe that I should be loving and I think I already know what loving looks like, I don’t say “No, I do not want to talk to you. No, I don’t want to go out with you” when that’s what is really true for me.

So who would I be without the thought that I should love everyone? That Ishould be accepting at all times?

I would be free to be myself….not someone different.

I would be here, today, in this body, in this personality, noticing that I really find that woman’s voice over there unpleasant.

I also don’t like heavy metal.

Without the demand that I should love everyone, I’m back over here in my own business, noticing that I like blue more than red.

I turn these thoughts around about love and acceptance, and notice, this is real, wild, open freedom:

  • I should NOT love everyone, when I don’t
  • I need to be abrasive, hard, strong, forthright, fiery
  • I should say “no” if people ask me to spend time with them and I don’t want to
  • I have to be honest, and say thank you, excuse me, and I’m sorry only when these are TRUE
  • I pray, meditate, read spiritual books because I am already a loving, enlightened, good human….and none of these things are necessary
  • I do accept everyone (if I can’t get it together to love them) and it doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them or like them
  • I should be nit-picky, mean, judgmental, rude, bossy–these qualities bring awareness, they are fascinating!
  • I only need to apologize, be sweet, kind, generous, charitable, and self-less if these things arise naturally
  • Everything I am IS spiritual!

“No one who thinks ‘I should love myself’ knows what love is. Love is what we are already. So to think that you should love yourself when you don’t is pure delusion. Isn’t the turnaround truer? ‘I shouldn’t love myself’. How do you know that you shouldn’t love yourself? You don’t! That’s it, for now. The truth is no respecter of spiritual concepts. ‘I should love myself’—ugh, on what planet? Love is not a doing. There is nothing you have to do. And when you question your mind, you can see that the only thing that keeps you from being love is a stressful thought.” ~ Byron Katie

WOW! Not trying to be spiritual? Not trying to be loving and accepting? Just seeing what the actual truth is?

Yes.

Maybe a little scary at first, but it is OK. It’s very exciting.

You might start your own little personal revolution.

You might ask yourself with loving curiosity “What Would I Do?”

Much love, Grace

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Seeing Clearly Now With Money

In the past six months or so, I’ve had a handful of clients who live abundant lives financially, have really amazing careers (a doctor, a TV personality, a published author, a financial advisor, a psychotherapist) who have touched on some annoying or anxious thoughts about money.

I can’t make any changes in what I do, if I did…I would have less money, or no money. I have to make money. I have to keep this up. My security and comfort depends on my practice, my uniqueness, staying married, on working hard.

I used to think that people with really rockin’ careers (as in higher education and lots of work, or a thriving business) had it made.

They hit the Big Time, they were set. They could get on with other concerns, because this major one was handled.

But I realized that every single person I’ve ever worked with around money, who appeared to have it, often had the similar worries as those without it.

Last week I wrote a check to pay off my last loan (except for my house mortgage) after plummeting into debt like the Titanic about six years ago, when going through divorce.

This loan was a home equity line of credit. This is one of those loans that are offered in connection with your house. The bank lends you the money because they know that if you can’t pay, they’ll be able to take your house as back up.

Back when I had this open line of credit that I could spend, I used a small portion of it to make my garage into a room for my son…and then used the rest over a period of about 18 months to pay my regular house mortgage and buy food.

So, in other words…I used a loan on the house to pay for the house.

It would be like saying to a person who had loaned me money, “can I have another loan, so I can make monthly payments on the first loan that I already owe you?’

But at the time, it appeared to be the only option, since I went to probably 25 job interviews, still had no work, no health insurance, and my house wasn’t worth the original price, so even if I walked away and sold it, I still wouldn’t have been able to pay the debt.

Dang, that was rough!

I could have so easily foreclosed. But that’s not what happened (to read about what did happen, go to a previous Grace Note by clicking HERE).

What became clear is that the most peaceful, joyful, steady, solid way to be with all that terror about money, debt, security and loss was that I was supposed to pay off my debt, one dollar at a time if that’s what it took.

Clarity became NOT being concerned with the future, but instead feeling the beauty of the present moment, no matter what kind of worldly problems were screaming around me.

Instead of believing “I am doomed” and “it will take me forever to get out of this mess” or even “I have lost”…

…I questioned everything and kept taking one step at a time forward.

In fact, that’s all I COULD do.

I could question my thinking, look at the fearful beliefs, investigate the reality of money, houses, loans, jobs, income, employment, receiving, security…anything worrisome or stressful.

You may be someone who is not in emergency mode about money.

But I say, question your beliefs about it anyway. 

Just like all the clients I’ve mentioned who apparently have money, who noticed they still get worried about it.

You have to earn money….to have easy retirement, security in your old age, luxury in your daily life, vacations, so that you can give to your kids and friends, in order to be charitable.

You have to earn money so you never, never, ever, ever go into debt again…

…Is that true?

Yes! I will never stop! I will push, work hard, avoid vacations and free time, nose-to-the-grindstone! I will not quit! I will accumulate, gather, store, invest, and keep as much as possible, never letting up!

I will continue to advance my career! I must earn money! I must have money!

YIKES!

So yeah. Heh, heh. Does that sound stressful?

Because for me, it is, when I’m believing those thoughts. The clients with money noticed this as well.

Who would you be without the thought that you really need that money you have, you need to keep working at something that’s not very fun, you “have to” keep your money and not let it out of your sight, or be very careful with it?

Without these thoughts, I have space inside me. The world seems to be busy and active, and yet, I am still and quiet.

No stressful concern for the future.

All I know to do is be here, today, with a deep breath, relaxation, kindness to myself and to the reality moving around me.

I know when not to spend money or when to spend it, there is no compulsionto get, have, grab, store, give it away, do something.

I might store some away because it’s fun, because there’s nowhere else it needs to go at the moment. I might stop doing parts of my “work” because it isn’t meaningful, and I know to stop.

Without the stressful thoughts, I honor my own happiness. I have deep integrity with other people.

“The ideas in your head – the thoughts that tell you something about who you are and what you are worth – are ultimately illusory. It is illusory both when the thoughts are good, and when the thoughts are negative. The illusory nature can perhaps be more easily recognized when the thoughts become negative and cause suffering. Suffering can be an awakener.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Turning the thoughts around about needing to earn, maintain, have, give and keep money…

…I find that I do not need to. And, I am out of debt. That is a stunning, wonderful feeling. I am overjoyed. I have enough. I need very little. I continue to do what is next in front of me.

In these turnarounds, I free myself of illusion, even without massive suffering.

Or maybe because of massive suffering. I don’t know.

I can see clearly now.

Much love, Grace

P.S. The next 8 week Money teleclass isn’t scheduled yet, but stay tuned and watch the list below, always below Grace Notes emails, for the next one. I’d love to hear your favorite times/days, write me if you’d like to make a request!

 

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What is Happy For YOU?

If you’ve ever done The Work before, you’re familiar with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet (check out this link HERE to get one right now).

It’s the first part of the work, where you actually identify what stressful thoughts are running in your head, and write them down.

However, there’s a pre-first-step BEFORE this one.

Before you do anything else, in order to narrow the field, weed out the thoughts, and get clearer on the jumble of stressful thinking going on in the mind….

….you bring to mind a stressful situation, a difficult time, a troubling person, a rough encounter.

Since no one has had a really constantly low-key, uneventful, peaceful life…you will remember many stressful situations, maybe hundreds.

But for this very first step? You pick just ONE.

You may have experienced loss, death, frustration at work, unbearable anxiety, a broken heart, an illness, a rough relationship, divorce, physical injury, fear about your kids….

….the list can be long, with many characters and issues and stories ofsomething being stressful.

But the best help in the world you can give yourself for deeply looking at your inner condition and getting yourself off the Stress Roller Coaster is to pick ONE TROUBLING SITUATION.

Even if it leaves out 852 other stressful topics. Just pick one for today.

Then, once you have a vision of that situation, the one that makes you frown, or feel sad, or hurt, or angry when you think about it….you fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Which brings me to the wonderful exploration I love: the fourth question on that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet!

What the heck would really, really, really make me happy, in that agonizing situation?

How would I have liked it to go, instead, if I got everything I needed?

The focus is on what would make YOU happy in this situation.

Not the other person, or other people, involved.

YOU.

Which brings us to the most fascinating exploration of all: what do we mean when we say “happy?”

I recently remembered something Byron Katie mentions from time to time. That we often imagine what we need or want, in difficult situations we’ve experienced, that would make us feel relief, safety.

We know what would make us happy in that difficult situation so that we would feel better.

But we don’t always consider what would make us ecstatic, life-changing, thrilled, joyful, complete, resolved, or truly happy.

I can relate.

Why go for all that wild, crazy unimaginable joy? I just want to feel OK and not so terrified, I’ll take what I can get.

If I could just feel some stress reduction, I’ll be OK. Beyond that I might never get true happiness, I might never achieve it.

I don’t want to dream of true happiness but NOT EVER get it in this situation!

It would be impossible to achieve it anyway! That situation happened in the past, it was terrible, and now its over! Happiness and that experience do not mix!

And yet….

….everyone has experienced a moment of true happiness. Just like the way we all have lived through stressful situations, we’ve lived through very happy ones.

I love remembering the joy of feeling satisfied, accepting, healthy, calm, relaxed, fulfilled, peaceful, trusting, or full of love.

On that question four on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, while you remember a painful situation…it’s wonderful to identify what you believe you really, really need in order to arrive at happiness.

It’s a golden key to discovering what you believe about happiness, and by comparison, see how that situation you’re thinking about didn’t match your idea of happiness.

If you’re having trouble remembering when you have felt full of happiness, watching this clip from one of my favorite all-time movies may inspire you.

Keep going, keep inquiring.

Happiness is present, here and now. Telling a joyful, happy story is possible, even when encountering the “worst” situations.

The moment of Happiness
The moment of Happiness

Much love, Grace

 

 

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Forgiveness All The Way To Thank You

Awhile ago I was out in the city and I ran into an old friend. We stood and talked awhile, traffic and noise zipping past, delighted to see each other.

She mentioned another mutual friend. Someone with whom I had experienced a great confusion and misunderstanding long ago.

From the conversation, I learned that this old friend, with whom I have not had contact in many years, is not feeling very happy.

In fact, he’s unhappy about the same things that he used to be unhappy about when I talked with him regularly.

I also learned that NO, this old friend from the past actually never mentions me, doesn’t seem concerned, and has moved on…..entirely.

I chuckled later.

What? You mean he’s not tormented inside, unresolved, wanting to address what happened, ready to make genuine amends, feeling guilty, wondering about MY life and how I’m doing?

You mean he never even thinks about what went down?!

Some people appear to be able to drop uncomfortable dynamics and let bygones be bygones.

Others of us….heh heh…might run into someone on the street one day and afterwards find ourselves thinking about some difficult and painful situation with someone we knew from twenty or thirty years ago…

….and have all the feelings well up as we recall the scene. We’re sad, angry, or frightened just remembering it, all over again.

We might not feel the full blown feelings to the same height and same intensity, but still…there’s a clench of melancholy.

That didn’t go well, that was a terrible experience, I’m glad that’s over, I could never be that person’s friend again, I don’t ever want to have a friendship end on a bad note again.

Even if the painful situation or exchange with someone was long ago, if it gives a little pinch of OUCH when you think about it, if it feels like you don’t really wish that person 100% joy, or there’s a little dig of feeling like it serves them right that they aren’t happy….

….then time for The Work.

Time for a little Mind Surgery.

As I think about that person, I call up the WORST, most awful, stressful, difficult moment with them.

When were my feelings the biggest, most shocked, most troubled? When was the hardest moment?

Here’s the funny thing. The WORST moment was when I was all alone, reading a piece of paper, when I learned something had been said about me, thought about me, believed about me.

Can I absolutely know it’s true that the moment I was having awareness that someone on the planet was not in favor of me, who I loved, that this was a TERRIBLE experience?

Can I really know that I don’t ever want to have a friendship like that ever again?

Am I sure it didn’t go well?

Amazingly, I am not sure.

It went the way it went, and I already know, from doing The Work on this before, that there were incredible advantages that came out of that experience.

I became more certain, clear and directed in my own personal life about money, friendship, commitment and saying “yes” or “no” than I had ever been in the previous forty years or so.

My personal integrity got really clean and crisp. I said goodbye to drama.

But now, revisiting this person in my mind, in my memory of them…even with all I learned from that experience, can I know that they are not worthy of my blessings, my gratitude, my acceptance?

What was that little dig inside that said “good!” when I heard he was unhappy?

Am I sure that I need to hold back my good wishes for their amazing life?

I think this is what Byron Katie means when she says “forgiveness is when you realize that what you thought happened, didn’t.” 

Who would I be without the thought that the person deserves to squirm with discomfort, or be unhappy?

I turn the thought around about how I feel NOW, in this moment, today, as I recall that person’s image in my mind.

He gave me the most incredible gift, I am grateful for that experience, he helped change my life for the better, he played a part for me so that I would make the climb to the high road, and take it.

Without that difficult person, I would never have stepped up to the plate and hit a home run.

That person and all the life circumstances line up and said “PLAY BALL!” And I did.

I learned about loss, acceptance, betrayal, forgiveness, honesty, reality, consequences, trust, and true love.

“Our nature is to love, and we’re believing these thoughts that are Horrors, so there’s opposition going, it’s duality. It’s simply how this wild ego stays identified, as ‘I am a victim of the world’…. if it’s a friendly universe, it’s gotta be a win-win, not a lose. This is tough work, and there’s only one thing tougher, and that is NOT finding resolution.” ~ Byron Katie

Thank you, amazing friend. I wish you the best life ever, I wish you joy and freedom and success and deep happiness.

I am willing to go through something like that again, I look forward to going through something like that again.

No forgiveness needed.

Only thank you.

Love, Grace

 

 

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Pain Brings The Most Alluring Thing

Yesterday I had a moment when in about 10 seconds I had the thoughts: “it’s all over from here…there will be a time I can never dance again…I have a limited time left on the planet”.  

I was feeling hip pain. From my gymnastics move about a month ago.

The right hamstring was injured, but now the left hip hurts since I’ve been favoring it, walking kinda weird, and ignoring it half the time.

Through my mind ran the following thoughts:

  • this pain will never go away
  • the writing’s on the wall…if hips are hurting, I’m on my way to the end
  • I have to finish my book before I croak! Quick!
  • I’ll never see my kids’ in their old age (so weird the way that works)
  • I need more time
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead

Then I thought about the great sage Ramana Maharshi for about ten minutes, as I have many times before, and his story of at age 16, lying down on the floor and pretending he was dead, just to see what it felt like.

BOOM. He saw what he was without a body.

So where’s my ecstatic “boom”? Seeing who I am without a body is kind of attractive at the moment!

I’m way older than 16 and I don’t have to pretend really, to get the sense that it’s over soon, and I’m going to be dead at some point.

But it pretty much feels like I’m stuck in this sack of flesh, for now, to put it bluntly.

Not that I hate the body…in fact, it’s genius, kind, accepting, miraculous and completely fascinating. Hurts, heals, changes.

Off and on throughout the day I feel the dull pain and I think about who I am before my parents were born, the zen koan.

I’m not even TRYING to concentrate on seeing from the perspective of No Body and Who-I-Truly-Am and all that rot. Yet, I’m thinking about this anyway!

There’s that silly mind again. On the job attempting to figure it out.

The voiceover from an old TV ad for Trix Cereal comes in, where the rabbit is doing everything he possibly can to get that awesome cereal, and he just can’t seem to outwit the situation and have what he wants.

The rabbit tries many maneuvers….and then discovers that he’s been trying to get something that is actually not possible for him to “get”.

Because he’s a rabbit. 

“Silly Rabbit”, the children say when they realize he’s been up to multiple shenanigans trying to acquire their cereal….“Trix Are For Kids!” 

Silly Mind! Awareness is not for you! 

But what IS for the mind, thank goodness, is The Work. At least, so far this mind seems to delight in it.

This mind (and yours probably, too) just LOVES to answer questions.

So let’s take a look at the troubling little thoughts about the body that have appeared from this message of pain apparently originating in a human hip.

Are these thoughts actually true that have been streaming through this mind? That the pain will never go away and it’s all downhill from here?

Well, I could be completely pain free (in fact, come to think of it right in this moment, on the same day only a few hours later as I write, I don’t feel pain).

And no, I don’t have to finish my book before I croak, or see my kids in their old age.

And it’s possible I don’t need more time….and it’s absolutely true that one day I won’t enter the dance studio anymore.

I mean, I am going to die….at least the physical body will.

But what if all this wasn’t a BAD BAD thing?

I mean, how I react when I believe these thoughts, and believe they are alarming, is that I am instantly afraid, nervous, planning, calculating, and grasping at all kinds of strategies for softening this situation, either emotionally, mentally or physically.

I’m the rabbit BEFORE he finds out the tricks are not for him. Ha!

Without the thought, however, that any of this pain, injury, change, death, departure or ending is terrible in the great big scheme of things….

….wow.

I am so curious, and interested in All This, including whatever Pain appears to be. (Is it energy? What is it?)

I remember that every time I enter the dance studio, I am different, so I’ve already lived the story of having no dance ever be repeated.

Without the thought, I see there is nothing guaranteed, nothing steady, nothing gained and lost, because nothing sticks anyway.

Without believing things are getting worse, I am excited to see what this body does, what it’s like, what happens next.

I’m psyched about the story unfolding. What will she do now?

Oh look, she went to physical therapy, she made a massage appointment, she slowed down and held still all day, she scheduled the book-writing time on her calendar.

She went to the dance studio and remembered the sweet friends who will never come there again, as they have already crossed over into death, and that we’ll all follow.

“The only way to get out of this is to see through it. Don’t renounce it, see through it. Understand its true value and you won’t need to renounce it; it will just drop from your hands. But of course, if you don’t see that, if you’re hypnotized into thinking that you won’t be happy without this, that or the other things, you’re stuck.” ~ Anthony DeMello 

Turning everything around, I see how this is all very wonderful, and nothing is ever truly permanently ending, and everything is always beginning, and fading away…

….and things are getting better. Could be just as true.

  • this pain will always go away; emotional, physical, all of it
  • I’m on my way to the end, to the beginning, who knows
  • I don’t have to finish my book, in fact when I die there will be tons of things unfinished, that’s the way of it
  • I have no idea how much of my kids’ lives I’ll see or not see, it’s a mystery and doesn’t seem up to me
  • I need less time! Whew, what a relief!
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead. Woohoo! What, did I want to dance here forever? That’d be weird.

“No-thing-ness…as much as that doesn’t make sense to the mind, is the most alluring thing of all.” ~ Adyashanti

I hear the rain pattering outside, drink an incredible taste of water, read a sweet text from my daughter, look into the vast gray sky, and for just a second my throat wells up with tears of gratitude.

Then even that passes and in this emptiness I am stunned to find gratitude also for the pain.

How else would I have been considering the mystery of life and death, and All This today?

Much Love, Grace

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I’ll Control You By Avoiding You

When someone is described as really “controlling” we often get an image of a person being bossy, condescending, critical, snappy or sharp with their words and tone of voice.

They’re trying to run things! Order everyone around!

That person is so freakin’ rigid, pushy, domineering, opinionated! They should stop it!

But what if there’s other, more subtle forms of being controlling, that look pretty different than that obvious way?

As in, the opposite.

What if someone looks easy-going, compliant, passive and without any opinion?

Could they be controlling, too?

Um, yeah….that sounds familiar somehow.

Uh oh.

Long ago in my graduate program studying human behavior someone who is “controlling” was defined as someone attempting to do, say, act or even feel certain ways in order to make a situation safe, or to manage how people treat them, or feel about them.

This could be never looking, talking or directing attention toward someone as a way of punishing them for being mean to you, or for scaring you, or disappointing you.

Or jumping into the care-taking role to help that other upset person be comfortable ASAP, lest there be scene, or an emergency, around the corner.

Or speaking as little as possible, dressing certain ways so you look acceptable, and NOT jumping into anything just in case someone judges you.

Yikes, heh heh, gosh.

Suddenly, flashing before my eyes are all the times I descended into a fog of fear, looking down, away, folding my arms, drawing back, crossing the street, having my heart rate explode when I ran into someone.

In third grade, at age 8, a boy secretly left me a love note and a gift. How bold!

I changed my walking route every day on the way home so that I never ran into him again. It scared me half to death.

I couldn’t ask him “What the heck are you doing? Can’t we just be friends? Do you want something?”

I used to even feel nervous about entering a party, being in the room with so much noise, chaos, energy and Other Humans.

So there that person is, who you would actually really like to control. In other words, you’d prefer their behavior to be loving, smooth, and not alarming, intense, or hurtful!

It feels stressful, you feel anxious or angry, you think you could get surprised.

Perfect situation for self-inquiry. Let’s do The Work.

That person should remain calm, stay away from me, stop paying attention to me, leave me alone, be gentle, not say anything mean….

Is it true?

Yes! I’m curling myself into a ball like a sea anemone! Danger! Danger!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Can I know I’m in danger? Can I know I would be hurt if I’m out in the open, being judged by them?

Can I really know they’re demanding, that they want something, and that I can’t say No Thank you?

No. But I sure feel anxious.

How do I react when I believe that person is dangerous, too much, and I need to be careful around them?

Or they might hurt themselves, and I think that would be sad?

Or I’m worried about what they’ll think of me?

I clam up. I never share publicly, with lots of people listening. I don’t raise my hand. If caller ID says it’s them, I don’t answer. I hover in the back of the room.

I ruminate, I defensively think “I won’t let that person control me!” I leave and slam the door. That’ll show ’em!

Sigh. It takes a lot of energy.

So who would I be without the thought that I’m in danger in any way whatsoever or that I need to be, act, feel, speak or think a certain way to control the outcome?

Woah.

I see that person, a shot of adrenaline zaps through me, but I’m not against them, or against the past, or so sure I need to build a wall, or resist, or defend.

Without believing it’ll be bad if I make contact, I don’t feel compelled to make things easier, softer, simpler, quicker, kinder….

….I rest. My body opens, my mind opens. I might look around or look at that person and see a human trying his or her best.

I surrender, I feel willing to have whatever happens be.

I might even say “I’m really scared right now, I felt scared before around you, and I’m anxious when you approach me.”

At a party, without the thought that I need to be careful so others think well of me, I get to look around with curiosity, happiness, play.

If I have a question, I raise my hand.

I notice that without any worries about outcome, or concern for the future, I’m very present, right here in the moment. I’m having big feelings and I’m not trying to control them.

A huge major wonderful side-effect is no urge to compulsively use anything in an addictive way to stop big feelings, if I’m not worried about how others will feel if I have them.

“Inquiry appears to be a process of thinking, but actually it’s a way to undo thinking. Thoughts lose their power over us when we realize that they simply appear in the mind. They’re not personal. Through The Work, instead of escaping or suppressing our thoughts, we learn to meet them with unconditional love and understanding.” ~ Byron Katie

When I meet my thoughts with love and understanding, I meet those other troubling or Big Energy people with love and understanding…

…not escaping or suppressing my encounters with them, or with Reality.

I might say yes, I might say no, I might disengage…but that’s very different from avoiding, manipulating and planning escape routes.

“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.” ~ Tao Te Ching #30 

Turning it all around, I see that…ahem….who is the person who is full of Big Energy, feelings, judgments or fear of myself, in that situation?

Yeah, that would be me.

Much Love, Grace

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I Need Him To Feel OK

A very stressful belief, held by many at various moments on the planet, is the concept “I need that person to feel OK.”

Boy howdy, that’s a juicy, sometimes wildly painful belief.

Our Tuesday YOI (Year of Inquiry) Group examined this thought together this morning.

Wow, awesome.

There is your friend, your mom, your dad, your boyfriend, your wife, your child, your client…..and they are depressed, weeping, lying in a hospital bed, in turmoil over a loss, they are worried, angry, nervous, upset, they just got emotionally hurt.

There’s an urge to rush in, assist.

It really does seem like it would be better if that person felt OK, felt good, felt content, felt open.

Questioning this belief does not mean you are cruel, cold, or uncaring.

In fact, without this belief, you may find that you are more genuinely caring than you ever realized…but let’s take a look.

First, are you positive that you need that person to feel good, better, different than they feel in order for you to be happy?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that if he, she, it, they felt OK you’d be better off?

The fear that enters the body and mind when a loved one gets hurt, let’s say pretty badly, can be infused with this belief.

Maybe their feelings are hurt, maybe their body is hurt…this is noticing the anxiety, panic, anger, and your own hurt that becomes present, sometimes almost simultaneously, when you learn that this person you love is hurt.

So how do you react when you believe that thought, that this situation would be better if they were OK?
When I believe this thought, I am going to find out what will resolve their “hurt” and stay on the job until I find the answer. I call them. I think about them. I read books about their condition and nod. I rush in.
I come to the rescue.
I think thoughts like “he really needs to….” or “she should get help from….”
In the past, I had a great friend who had a major huge mega-watt amount of anxiety. His story, or my story, was that he had a rough life.
How did I react when I believed that I needed him to feel OK?
First, I tried to rescue.
Then, I ditched him. I believed I couldn’t take it anymore. I quit!
But who would you be without the belief that this person needs to be OK? That they are NOT OK, even with whatever is going on?
“My beloved sister is dying of cancer now, and she is in the very painful last stages of agony. Watching my sister’s husband watch his wife in such dreadful pain would be agonizing, if not for the enlightened mind, the questioned awake-to-love mind….
 
…..Oh, how I love her, and how opposite of helpless I am. I am the power of love, and there is nothing more powerful than that as I find myself sobbing with her. Who would think that love is that grateful, that deep, that overwhelming, and tear-filled! As I sob, the joy within, the joy that is born out of my love, blind in its clarity, runs deeper than any sadness could ever begin to, and it is allowed to live at its depth, a state that fear is too shallow to explore and must always fall short in its emotion to express.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that other people need to be OK in order for me to be happy…
…I am free to love, express, breathe, connect, be honest, authentic, caring, overwhelmed, untethered, real, genuine….and stay or go.
I turn the thought around that I need him to be OK, I need her to be OK.
I don’t actually need that. I am living this life over here, in this body, apparently.
I can see advantages, even, to that person not being OK as I look at them:
  • they are encountering their own fear and growing stronger through it
  • they are capable of getting through this
  • they are learning about life
  • they are freer
  • they are experiencing something profound
  • they are changing
  • they are dying (or some part of them is dying) and therefore on their way to a new dimension, new life…
And while that person is not OK, I can turn that whole entire list around to myself and find the incredible gift in that person appearing as they appear in my life:
  • I am encountering my own fear and growing stronger through it
  • I am capable of getting through this (their pain, my pain)
  • I am learning about life
  • I am freer
  • I am experiencing something profound
  • I am changing
  • I am dying (my stories or otherwise) and therefore on my way to a new dimension
“The ego creates stories to convince you that you cannot be at peace NOW, you cannot be fully yourself NOW.” ~ Eckhart Tolle  
How might you be when you are with those sweet, amazing, suffering people if you knew they were actually OK?
Much Love, Grace