Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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No One Can Leave Me, Even In Death – Happy Birthday Dad

I know LOTS of people tried to download the little parenting ebook. Go here to do it instead and click Download. Looking forward to your feedback (just hit reply any time and let me know what you like or don’t like about it): 

Get How To Be A Happy Parent Free Ebook.

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Speaking of parents.

Today would be my dad’s 83rd birthday. But he died long ago in 1990 barely making age 60.

I think about him every year on this day, and many others. With immense gratitude.

He came to me immediately just now, after I woke up. I was sitting in a chair with a dark misty early morning all around through the windows, damp and green and very quiet, as it is often in the Pacific Northwest. 

I can see him in my mind standing near the front door, with his walking stick, his flat wool cap, his wire-rimmed glasses and gray speckled beard, asking “shall we go on a little walk?”

But the gratitude used to be all mixed up with despair, loss and missing him.

That was before doing The Work. Before time passed.

One of my very first realizations after beginning the questioning of my deep-seated beliefs was finding a sense of peace with death. 

One of my sisters had already attended The School for The Work. She shared with me two important things she learned from her experience there.

  1. Our dad did not actually die (say what?)
  2. A total stranger, another participant at the event, had accidentally caused the death of his own two year old child….and it didn’t kill HIM, emotionally

These two pieces of information jet-propelled me to the next School.

I wanted to understand, and face, death. So terrifying!

What on earth could this idea mean, that our dad did not actually die? I mean, I sat with him as he took his last breath. I felt his hand grow cold.

His body is no longer around. I haven’t seen him in over two decades. 

The most profound awareness came over time, gently investigating a pretty simple belief. 

What I mean by belief is something I repeated over and over to myself in my mind: my dad died.

Is it true? 

Yes. I was there. He’s gone. He never got older than sixty.

Right at this point is when I used to cry, feel such sadness I felt my throat close and my heart break. It felt horrible. 

But I kept going anyway, with this process of inquiry.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that my dad died? 

It may sound odd, but can I absolutely know….beyond a shadow of a doubt….that he is gone, forever, that there is nothing at all left of him, anywhere?

No. I can’t know this at all. I remember him. This memory alone shows there is something here of him. 

I can have a conversation with my dad and get a real solid sense of what he’d tell me, how he’d answer a question I asked. I can see him in my mind vividly.

And as for physically, where bodies go, where cells and life and energy move, I definitely can’t know that this is dead. 

In fact, it’s unlikely, scientifically.

So, no, strangely enough….I can’t absolutely know it’s true that my dad died.

How did I always react when I believed that thought?

Devastated. Wishing he was here. Frightened. Wondering why it’s set up like this on planet earth, with such loss. 

How did I treat myself, internally, when I believed my dad died? 

Like something was missing that I couldn’t quite have, without him. Like I couldn’t make it as well in life. Like I was smaller somehow.

Then the great question: Who was I without the belief that my dad died?

Or, without the belief that I was missing something because he died, that it was devastating or terrible? 

Walking down the street, driving my car, doing laundry, reading a book, going to the gym, playing with my kids, buying groceries….hadn’t I actually done all these things hundreds of times WITHOUT my dad?

I mean, I had moved out of my parents house about 8 years before he “died”. 

I had done a lot on my own. Without sadness. Without thinking “oh this is so so so terrible and devastating that my dad isn’t here right now.” 

That’s what it would be like without the thought. I already knew what that was like. 

I would smile as his memory and image entered my mind. 

Or, I might sob and weep with love, feeling the bittersweet grief pouring out. All mixed with happiness. 

“I love to say, ‘No one can leave me. They don’t have that power.'” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thought around, I find my dad lived, my dad is alive. 

It seems as true or truer, even if his body is no longer here. 

(Everyone’s body is eventually no longer here. What did I expect?)

I see his back go around a corner ahead of me down the block. He just drove by in a car. I saw him gardening at the pea patch from the bus window. My son just sounded exactly the same as my father, although they never met. Little glimpses.  

I don’t know any way to be with this than being with it. 

The final turnaround to my belief: I died (when my dad died).  

Something did die, but maybe that’s not so terrible. A dependence died. A clinging died. An expectation that I must have my dad. 

I’ve now had to stand on my own two feet, without having a father in this world. 

“If you’ve been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you — you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again.” ~ C.S. Lewis

If you’d like to explore pain, sickness and death in a small telegroup, we begin on Tuesday, October 29th, 5:15-6:45 pm pacific time.  Register Here. As always, ask me if you have concerns about the fee grace@workwithgrace.com.  

Love, Grace

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That Person Should Do The Work?

I love when beginners to The Work come to gather with me, either one-on-one or in a workshop or teleclass or longer retreat.

This past Saturday afternoon many newcomers to The Work came to learn inquiry at the mini retreat at my little cottage.

They showed up, ready to learn. They were a spectacular group.

Over several years now, working with people in all stages of self-inquiry, I am absolutely *fascinated* by people with Big Questions.

Sometimes, when people encounter The Work, they get sort of….spicy.

They have objections.

There may be something strange, or threatening, or worrisome about it.

  • What d’ya mean IS IT TRUE? Of course it’s true!
  • Who would I be without my stressful belief? I’d be a zombie with no motivation, I’d be an idiot, people would take advantage of me, it would be all MY fault, I’d be a fool
  • If I didn’t believe I have to be nice/kind/polite (fill in the blank) I’d be a jerk all the time and everyone would hate me
  • Isn’t everything NOT absolutely true? Why even ask that question?
  • How do I react when I think that person done me wrong? This has been going on my whole entire life since I was a kid so it’s a loooong story!
  • See, I need to tell you about my situation I wrote about because otherwise I’m not sure you’ll understand
  • I’m so embarrassed that I wrote these judgments down, it makes me feel worse, not better
  • I’m trying to be positive, not negative! This is twisted!
  • I don’t believe in cognitive behavioral psychology or whatever this is
  • this is too much thinking
  • The Work doesn’t work for me

Allrighty then!

There is no way to ever, ever know what someone else’s path should be, if doing The Work is right for them, or to give them what you’ve found.

What do I do when someone else doesn’t see doing The Work as such an exciting, positive, supportive experience?

If it’s stressful in any way, even a teensy eensy bit….I take it to inquiry.

They should get this, I want them to see how freeing this is, I want them to stop suffering. 

Is it true?

Is it really true that they need to do The Work? Is it true they need to stop suffering?

Is it true they shouldn’t have an oppositional reaction?

Well…er…yes!

They should stick with it. Get all their questions answered. Be patient. Not be so contrary. They shouldn’t give up. They can stop suffering!

Are you SURE? Absolutely sure you know what needs to happen for them? Are you sure you know they should stop suffering? Really?

No. It seems weird, but no, I don’t really know WHAT is right for that other person. I don’t even know why I took to The Work so well, why I “got” it at Byron Katie’s School for The Work.

I’m not even sure I DID get it all the time. Now that you asked.

How do I react when I believe the thought that someone else needs to see what’s up with this thing called The Work and how cool it is, and they don’t exactly see it that way, apparently?

I want to explain. Or I recoil and pull back, brush them off.

I start making it a project, hoping I present it “right” or adequately.

I secretly think in my head that the person is just too closed-minded for this, or too set in their ways, too anxious, too smart, too emotional, too immature, too impatient.

I turn the thought around…..they should not stop suffering, it’s not up to me to help, I don’t need to over-explain or “try” or say anything special.

There is nothing I need to do extra, no mistake made, nothing undone.

Everyone is where they are.

They have amazing questions, brilliant concerns, fascinating minds.

Who would I be without the thought that anyone else needs to do The Work, except me?

I would answer their questions. 

I would offer what I know from my experience, if they wanted it, and stop there.

I would have zero expectations.

“The Work doesn’t say what anyone should or shouldn’t do. We simply ask: What is the effect of arguing with reality? How does it feel? This Work explores the cause and effect of attaching to painful thoughts, and in that investigation we find our freedom. To simply say that we shouldn’t argue with reality is just to add another story, another philosophy or religion. It hasn’t ever worked. ” ~ Byron Katie 

When I have zero expectations, my mind may be busy, but I am here, with anyone, with questions, with unknown, with something beyond this mind, a spacious place.

Without the thought that anyone needs to do The Work, without the thought that their objections are frightening or worrisome, I welcome every person who shows up.

I keep offering mini retreats and workshops and classes and solo sessions and it is all for me, all for me. No one needs this.

Except me.

I love everyone who comes. So incredible. Such juicy, alive, worthwhile, honest questions.

“Enlightenment can be measured by how compassionately and wisely you interact with others–with all others, not just those who support you in the way that you want. How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are.” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

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This Joy Belongs To You, Too

First, some shortie announcements: I worked until midnight two nights in a row on my own website and my business facebook page.

I am not all that technically knowledgeable. Or so I thought.

Now I’m dancing the Accomplishment Dance, so much fun to LEARN! 

Check them out and “like” them:

Visit Work With Grace Website 

Visit FB Page Work With Grace

I also have a little ebook on thoughts I’ve heard repeatedly, or noticed within myself as a parent, that have been wildly helpful to question and consider.

Download it for free from the shop on my website. I’d love your feedback and comments. 

My much more comprehensive book on food, eating and consuming is on the way, really, even though it’s not yet born. Not much longer now. 

It’ll be so fun when it’s here. I hope it helps you, if you crave peace with food and eating.

It’s strange how creating something, having it work, bringing it to development, getting to a real end point….can be so thrilling.

It reminds me of the time when I was a child, excitedly imagining fairies in the flowers in our garden.

Believing in magic, spells, ghosts, celebration. Filled with joy, for no reason!

And then something happened….and I believed many thoughts about people, right and wrong, acceptance, rejection, loss, death, birth, hope, devastation, fear in the gut.  

Creativity then tried to come forward. But it got very stilted, sort of lost.

And here now, today…..with the experience of doing The Work for awhile and all this questioning what I think of Reality, I’m remembering that Joy beyond any explanation.

Gratitude so big it feels like it will burst through my chest and fly into the heavens. 

Not sure why it is coming today, with such sweetness. It’s an ordinary day, with nothing special in it. 

And everything special in it. Stunning.

I wish for you to have this Joy as well, if you can’t remember it right now. It is in you, I know it. Because it was in me the whole time, too. 

You can question your thinking and change your reality.

This Poem Belongs to You 

By David Whyte

 This poem

  belongs to you
    and is already finished,

it was begun years ago
     and I put it away
knowing it would come
   into the world
     in its own time.
In fact
   you have already read it,
     and closing the pages 
       of the book,
you are now 
  abandoning the projects
     of the day and putting on
       your shoes and coat 
         to take a walk.
It has been long years
   since you felt like this.
You have remembered
   what I remembered,
     when I first began to write.

Love, Grace

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True Love Doesn’t Want That Person To Change

People in the northwest near Seattle!

We have wonderful inquirers coming on Saturday afternoon for the October 19th mini retreat (next one November 30th) from 1:30-5:30 pm.

This is offered five times per year for a sweet deal….four hours of walking through a difficult situation in your life from start to finish using The Work of Byron Katie.

Everyone welcome, beginner to experienced in The Work.

Write me to see if there’s space: grace@workwithgrace.com and I’ll send you all the information, cost, registration, details.

And if you’re wondering what you would do The Work on? Maybe there is one person in your life who has kinda bugged you.

Perhaps a romantic partner, a long-term mate, or someone you once dated.

They don’t have to still be in your life for strong insights to come alive with self-inquiry.

A primary life partner and what we really think about their faults is a super crazy stressful experience for many of us.

That person does things that drive us nuts. Or they worry us. Or we feel really sad about something they repeatedly do.

Tragedy, pain, loss, anxiety….irritation!

The other day I was working with a beautiful inquirer who had a really common and very painful situation to investigate with her husband.

He drinks too much.

I’ve had people come to inquiry to look at someone they are very close to, and they don’t like that person’s smoking, their weight, their temper, their career (or lack of it), their table manners, their movie preferences, their flirtation with others, their clothing style, their friends, their home’s interior design.

I mean, this can get really petty…or it can be a Deal Breaker.

As in, if that person doesn’t change, I’m outta here!!!

The thing is, it’s rough being the one with all the opinions, looking over at that person we care about with disdain, annoyance, criticism or fear.

If that person would just change, I’d feel much better.

Uh oh.

This is a very edgy, painful, other-oriented, time and energy consuming thought.

You can feel the stress. So you know, it’s time for inquiry.

That person drinks too much. They don’t take care of themselves. They should stop.

Is it true?

Yeah. Duh. Who wants to be with an alcoholic, or a party-er, or someone who can’t be reliable, or who puts themselves in danger?

Slow it down. Can you absolutely know without a doubt that they drink too much, that you KNOW what it means about them, or that they should stop?

You might still answer “yes”. Keep going.

How do you react when you think this judgment about that person?

It takes up tons of energy. Mental space. I analyze the heck out of them. I try to figure out ways to help them.

It’s a drag.

Who would you be without the thought that they should stop? That you need to help them? That you know what’s best?

Who would you be without the thought that they drink too much? Eat too much? Need to get a job? Have poor taste in color choice?

So interesting…I noticed a long time ago for myself that I come back into the present moment, when I don’t believe that this person needs to change in order to make me happy.

I come back to taking care of MYSELF. I make myself happy.

Byron Katie says “skip the middle man”.

I notice that I don’t actually have much fun talking with someone who has had a lot of alcohol to drink. So I go talk with someone else. There’s a whole world full of interesting and fascinating people.

Without the thought, I stop the war. I am not against this person I adore. I allow them to be as they are.

I allow myself to be as I am. I ask if I can redecorate their living room. They say “yes” or “no” and I am happy with either answer. If they say “no” I don’t hang out in that room much, I notice.

I may ask them if there’s any way I can support them. There may be no way I can.

I feel joy being me, without the thought that they need to do anything in order for me to be happy.

WOW.

“To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess, or for your partner to change. The ego singles someone out and makes them special. It uses that person to cover up the constant underlying feeling of discontent, of “not enough,” of anger and hate, which are closely related.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

This does not mean that I don’t break up with someone….that might be very kind to me to do that.

I may get divorced, move out, move away.

But it’s done with such deep appreciation, gratitude that this person propelled me back to myself.

The feeling inside is gentleness, openness, acceptance, surrender.

Enjoying my own company.

If I happen to be with someone else, that’s just the icing on top of the delicious cake.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Our Wonderful Sexuality will now start in January on Tuesdays! This is an awesome topic for romantic relationships, and one we don’t talk about out loud much. It’s the VERY SAME as what I’ve just written about today…uncovering, questioning, and shifting all the judgments about how that person should change, and entering true love instead.

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Not Pretending You Like Someone When You Don’t

A wonderful inquirer wrote in a great question (I LOVE everyone’s questions, and comments on my website who writes and I answer them all!

She asked “what if I don’t WANT to do The Work on someone, and accept them or put up with them?”

Like what if I really don’t like that person very much…and that is FINE with me?

Such a fantastic question, as it opens up the awareness of what we expect The Work to do, what the end result might be, what will happen after we inquire.

So there’s that annoying person and you notice when you think of them, you feel some level of stress.

(Which shows it’s not really fine with you).

You remember incidents, uncomfortable events, or aspects of them you don’t like.

How about someone who steals, cheats, lies, is often drunk, calls people names, or causes a commotion when in a group?

Or what about that false, fakey-voiced person who talks about people all the time behind their backs who kind of drives you nuts when you run into them?

Or maybe there is that dear friend who betrayed you, you were shocked, and it seems best to leave the situation alone for now.

The last thing you want is to hang out MORE with that person, or re-open contact, or create unrest or anxiety for anyone involved.

Doing The Work on this person is powerful…..and it may uncover new and subtle, or hidden, beliefs that you haven’t previously been aware of.

So let’s say you question your thinking about that mean ex-boyfriend, or that irritating teacher from your childhood….or even that violent person with whom you had a relationship several years ago.

You come to an understanding that everyone was doing the best they could.

You may appreciate, very deeply, your interaction with that person. You may realize that your life went differently, and better, because of that person.

I have found the deepest gratitude for several individuals who interacted with me in my life, in ways I would have never imagined before The Work.

But does this mean you NEED to contact them? Does it mean you can’t say “no” if they come knocking on your door?

What if you’ve made amends, and feel complete in the relationship, for now?

Because for me, there are new stressful beliefs uncovered sometimes, about what we believe and what we’re supposed to do next, as we reach greater understanding.

  • I should talk, see, get together, email with that person if they ask for a conversation
  • If I say “no” I will hurt their feelings
  • A good, kind person would be open to hanging out with anyone
  • If I love that person, I have to spend time with them, or stay married, or live with them
  • it means I didn’t fully do The Work if I don’t feel comfortable being someone’s friend

Let’s take a look.

Is it true, that you should say yes to requests for contact from that person? Are you sure that a good, kind person would be more open? If you say no and their feelings are hurt, is that really bad? Or your fault?

Are you sure you should be reacting differently than you are, now that you have clarity and appreciation for that person?

Do you really have to spend time with someone you don’t really like? Is it really unkind, or somehow BAD, to notice you don’t want to spend time with someone?

Hmmm. I find my answer is No.

Not absolutely true.

It’s amazing how strong the idea that I should be open to everyone and comfortable, kind, giving, loving, gentle and accepting of all of humanity, all the time.

Like Mother Theresa. Or Buddha. Or Jesus.

Although, I don’t think they “accepted” everyone constantly and had no opinions or preferences, ever. I can tell there is some sort of illusion going on here about what genuine “love” is supposed to look like.

I could be mistaken!

How do you react when you believe the thought that you shouldn’t hurt someone’s feelings, or that you HAVE hurt them?

How do you react when you think you should say yes, hang out, move in, stay together?

Oh lordy!

I smile, I have conversations I don’t even want to have, I talk with people when I’m bored, I feel powerless, anxious, nervous, torn.

I avoid people, I curl up in a ball on the inside. I make up excuses and say I’m not available for other reasons than “I don’t want to get together with you”.

I feel bad about myself, I attack myself for being passive, or pathetic.

So who would I be without the thought that I should like being with someone?

Without the thought that someone might hurt me, or be rude, or be demanding, or nasty, if I decline their company?

“Don’t pretend yourself beyond your own evolution.” ~ Byron Katie

I’d be so clear, it would be awesome. I’d be direct. Precise. Lazer. Efficient.

Without the thought, I’d feel free, able to change my mind, able to be myself, fully. This is true love. Open, liberated love.

Love where I have unconditional positive regard for both myself and for the other. I know everyone’s OK, whether we talk or not.

There is no obligation.

I turn these thoughts around, and try them on, finding genuine, authentic ways that these opposites could be just as true or truer:

  • I should say no with trust, and willingness to be hated—that person has the right to feel as they feel
  • If I say “no” I will heal their feelings
  • A good, kind person would NOT be open hanging out with anyone…a good kind person would choose wisely and always check in with themselves first and foremost
  • If I love that person, it doesn’t mean I ever have to spend time with them
  • it does NOT mean I didn’t fully do The Work if I don’t feel comfortable being someone’s friend – I might finally be clear about endings and beginnings

I don’t need anyone to like me. I don’t need anyone to approve of me.

I don’t need to say yes when I feel no.

“Someone says ‘you’re hurting me’ and if I believe that my life just tumbles into in-authenticity. I lose self-respect, and I blame them. I’m out of touch with myself, I blame them….This is about taking 100% responsibility for YOU.” ~ Byron Katie

Just keep doing The Work and see how you feel about those people who have really been over the top for you, or made a major impact on your life.

If it’s not right to invite them over, then it’s not.

And one day, you may find, they can be in your presence and you aren’t afraid at all, because you’ve made peace with yourself.

Much love, Grace

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Should You Be There By Now?

The difference between looking at your life in a macro, high altitude what-is-the-meaning-of-my-life way, and looking at it in the day-to-day buy-groceries-do-the-laundry way can feel huge.

Since I was on “spiritual” retreat lately I spent time contemplating the great question “who am I?”

I also contemplated my writing and how much longer it was going to take to finish my book on ending disordered eating and addiction with self-inquiry.

Which I thought would be done by now.

It’s like my mind would pop over to the issue of when, how and where I would fit in time to get crackin’ at that project and FINISH it.

Some of my retreat companions had the same ideas about enlightenment.

They thought they’d be “awake” by now, given all their study of consciousness over many years.

That’s a funny and insidious little thought, that something should have happened by now that hasn’t actually happened yet.

  • I should have found a life partner by now
  • I should have lost weight by now
  • I should be over my addictive thinking by now
  • I should have made a coupla million by now
  • I should have discovered by perfect career by now
  • I should be famous by now
  • I should be enlightened by now

Even if you don’t believe it entirely, it can still be somewhat annoying just noticing that you aren’t quite where you thought you might be.

Not there yet.

I remember learning math in grade school and the idea that you can keep dividing a number by another number and although it gets close to zero, it never actually gets to zero.

How irritating!

The funny thing is….not ever getting there seems to be the way of life.

Even recognizing this, it’s so much fun to do The Work on some goal that is particularly irksome to you personally.

That thing you’re reaching for, that seems elusive or Not Quite It yet.

“I should be there by now”.

Is it true?

Yes! If I had pulled it together, completed the book proposal, and sent it out, then I’d be a) making more money, b) published, which I foresaw in myself since age 18, and c) able to finally rest.

The goal would be complete. I’d have cooked that one. I’d feel proud, accomplished, happy.

But can you absolutely know that it’s true that you should have that thing, be done with that project, have it done, be there? Are you sure it would mean you could finally rest?

Hmmm. Seems like it would be nice. Seems like it would be pleasant to stop the seeking, moving, forward motion, examination, reaching for that.

Yet I can’t absolutely KNOW that it’s true that if I DID complete this thing, that if it WAS finished, that I would be happy, resolved, secure, satisfied.

I might feel settled or thrilled for a few minutes, and then have new ideas.

That’s happened before.

So….no. I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that I should have that or be there by now.

How do you react when you believe you should have done that, said that, arrived there, finished that by now?

Discouraged. Hopeless. Applying MORE energy and intensity. Wondering what’s missing. Ready to drive harder. Or else give up in despair.

With the thought, the mind races. Gets a bigger plan. Figures out a new approach. Regroups. Can’t rest.

With the thought, I’m aware of time passing. Hurry hurry hurry!

Ack. It’s very tiring.

So who would you be without the thought that you should have that, be there, or done that by now?

Without the thought that you should have finished that book, or gotten married, or had a kid, or finished your degree, or built a business empire, or become enlightened?

Suddenly, without those kinds of thoughts, there is this moment here, unfinished, not quite done yet, but all just fine.

I hear sounds, see this room, feel the temperature, notice this body, feel the pulse of being alive.

I have images in my mind of all these hopes, dreams, accomplishments, realized goals…..and this unfinished, open, infinite, wild moment of NOW.

Without the thought of the sadness of unfinished goals, there is empty space and quiet and somehow, inexplicably…there is joy. Right here.

  • I should NOT have found a life partner by now
  • I should NOT have lost weight by now
  • I should NOT be over my addictive thinking by now
  • I should NOT have made a coupla million by now
  • I should NOT have discovered by perfect career by now
  • I should NOT be famous by now
  • I should NOT be enlightened by now

How could this be as true, or truer, than thinking I should have made it by now?

How is it awesome, fabulous and exciting that I haven’t achieved these things, completed it, finished it, gotten over it, made it?

“As long as we think there is something to get (or something we’ve gotten that we need to hold onto, or identify with, or remain ever-mindful of), we will suffer. When it is recognized that there is literally nothing to get and no one to get it, that is freedom.” ~ Joan Tollifson

I love noticing that being here now without thinking that I know what’s best for me is so sweet, mysterious, and strange.

When I’m the ruler of the universe about what I should have by now (whatever that is) then I get very tense.

When I find advantages for NOT having it yet, whatever I think “it” is, then the journey is so exciting.

Like Dorothy on the yellow brick road, like the middle of the Lord of The Rings, like all epic tales, the adventure continues.

Without suffering.

“The reason that you are here, wherever here is for you, is because it is the only place that you can be right now.” ~ Adyashanti

Without the thought that I should have done that by now, I can finally rest.

Much love, Grace

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Come Do The Work Next Saturday

Quick Saturday announcement that it’s only one week until October 19th mini retreat in Seattle.

Gather together to do The Work, from start to finish, for four hours.

No experience necessary.

Find out why this is so incredible, for so many people all over the world, for releasing stress and dissolving emotional pain.

If you have lots of experience doing The Work you will get the opportunity to sit with a stressful, difficult situation in your life and investigate it from start to finish, giving yourself the time needed to do this.

As Byron Katie says…that’s why it’s called The Work.

Because it does require “work”.

Alive action. Presence. Quiet. Contemplation. Meditation. An open mind. The capacity to answer four powerful and profound questions.

The ability to stay, to stick with the process, to give yourself the gift of Not Doing anything except have a conversation with your own mind.

“The Work only works if you answer the questions.” ~ Byron Katie

Come join a small group for Saturday afternoon inquiry.

Four Continuing Education Units offered for all mental health professionals in Washington State through the Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work.

First timers $70, second time or more only $55.

Facilitation, guidance, learning The Work, stepping through the process, getting the chance to facilitate yourself, delicious snacks, and all materials included in the fee.

Much love, Grace

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That Terrible, Embarrassing Situation

Recently I was driving my car, the wind shield wipers flapping back and forth on high as the rain pelted down.

I was alone with my thoughts and the unfolding road in front of me, in the city with lots of cars, tail lights, motors, movement.

In the silence of the car interior I found myself considering the topic, as I have done so many times before, that I offer to all the participants in the fifth week of the Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass.

Shame, Embarrassment and Guilt.

No big deal, just a little topic. Heh heh.

Suddenly, I had the thought to revisit an embarrassing situation in my past, and do some sleuthing for what was going on, what I believed, that produced guilt, or that sick feeling that I was doing something wrong.

This is what all the participants get to do as well. It’s not easy. It can make us feel bad, just remembering the situation.

We’d like to forget about it! Not go into it in more detail! Jeez!

But I know that bringing that situation to mind in the most crystal clear way possible is the way to understanding, to truth.

As I saw the situation in my mind, a 5 minute moment from the past, I allowed it to freeze, like stopping the film in a movie.

Yep, that’s a situation I felt really guilty about. Got it. Yuck. I wouldn’t want anyone, ever, to see this movie.

Too embarrassing.

Now that I have the awful moment…..the terrible situation….I take out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Here’s the interesting part.

I focus on the other person, or people, involved.

Yes, the vicious thoughts against myself are flying around like a thousand bees, but focusing on the self-condemnation won’t necessarily bring peace.

If you can, direct your attention outward, to who or what was present that contributed to this embarrassing situation.

Later on, when I wasn’t driving anymore, I slowly wrote down all my concepts on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

I wanted her to stop pushing me, asking me. I wanted her to not allow her feelings to run rampant. I wanted her to be sober. She should have known better. She should have stopped. She should have cared about me. I needed her to be calm, wise, sincere, honest and supportive. She was crazy, pushy, selfish, grabby, a liar, falsely flattering me. I don’t ever want to hurt other people by colluding with someone like that again.

I point my finger at her, even though in this state of shame, I feel the finger pointing also at myself.

Now….I can do The Work.

Is it true that she should have known better, that she should have been different, that everything would have been OK without her being that way?

Yes! The whole entire thing could have been avoided, I’m sure of it! I was horrible in that situation, too…but without her being so crazy, and demanding, things would have gone MUCH BETTER!

Can I know this, absolutely? Am I sure?

No. Sigh.

How do I react when I think all those thoughts about that other person? All those terrible thoughts about me?

I replay the scene in my mind and wish I could undo it. I want to erase the past.

Hopeless.

Who would you be without the thought that it shouldn’t have gone the way it did?

Who would I be without the belief that she was to blame, I was to blame, someone was to blame, that Reality Sucked in that situation back then?

Wait a moment. Let that sink in.

Really?

Without the thought that the whole thing was wrong, bad, harmful, sucky?

I’m sitting still for awhile, images running through my head, looking around the room.

Then I notice tears flowing down my cheeks. Great huge tears of cleansing grief. I’m not even sure why. Beyond mind.

No one evil. No one unsafe. No one wrong?

The cork taken out of feeling the shame, humiliation, anger, sadness, loss, repression.

Freedom to see completely that everyone did the best they could at the time, and it was all good enough.

Turning the thought around, I sit with that situation, the memory, and feel it as right, good, supportive, and loving.

Can I see that as true, or truer?

Yes.

“Our imagination is a very powerful force in determining what we perceive. If we imagine that the world is teeming with evil forces, we will surely perceive the world as evil. But if we imagine the world to be essentially good, we will perceive it as good. Either way it is the same world that we are looking at.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

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Peace Requires Only One Person–You

The other day an acquaintance, who I only know from a monthly meeting we both attend, said to me while filling me in on her recent long travels “Now, I can’t even button up my pants, the food was so good, I’m such a pig, ugh.”

People say disparaging things about themselves all the time, but my ears especially hear the ones where they are self-critical about their weight.

I often feel momentarily stumped on how to respond.

If she could only see herself through my eyes! I saw someone worried yet capable, curious and interested in another way, in that moment.

Some of us know folks who say mean things out loud about themselves all the time: she’s my better half, I was such an idiot, I never remember the important things, I’m horrible at directions, get me around some chocolate cake and its absolutely gone, I can’t keep that stuff in my house….

….or what about our children? There they are with big crocodile tears rolling down their cheeks saying “I can’t do it! It’s too hard!”

There is a term “My heart goes out to her”.

I see a heart leaving my body and shooting over to that other suffering person, like the way the Jack-In-The-Box jumps out of the box.

BOINNNNGGGGG!

Then tears well up in the throat, a feeling of warmth and speed throughout the whole torso (maybe where the heart used to be, who knows).

Hand-wringing, sadness, I need to help, this person shouldn’t feel bad.

Examining that feeling, and seeing the connected thoughts, is a great exercise in understanding how to change your experience of Other People’s Pain.

Because it’s not peaceful. I’d rather my heart was back here, inside me.

Afterall, I need it to stay alive!

  • they are suffering and it’s hard, terrible, sad, agonizing
  • I need to comfort them
  • I should say something soothing
  • I should say something that gets them to calm down, stop being critical, changes their perspective
  • they should see that they are capable
  • they need support of SOME kind, if not me, they really do need help

This doesn’t mean that doing these things is not appropriate, natural or loving in those moments….

….it’s just watching yourself move into any kind of panic, nervousness, worry or sadness along with that person.

Is it true that this person, who is feeling bad, complaining, uncertain, scared, or even suicidal….is it true that they need help from me, from someone, right now ASAP?

Is it true that if they don’t get help, it will get worse, or the very worst WILL happen?

Yes! Something’s gotta give! This can’t go on! That person has been suffering on and off for most of their life!

Isn’t it obvious?

Hmm. Is it really true that they need help, or that you know what kind?

Is this person really a victim?

No. I can’t absolutely know that this is true.

So how do you react when you believe that they really need help, they should stop being so self-defeating, they must have support…or else…?

Oh the pain!

I’m sad! I think about them, even when they are not here. I might even think of them in the middle of the night.

I brainstorm solutions. I go through the list in my mind of who might be the best “helper”. I think things like “that person should do The Work!!” 

Yikes! It is very, very stressful!

Who would you be without the beliefs that they are not capable, they are a victim, there is a problem here that needs to be solved, that there suffering must be stopped…immediately!?

Watching, interested, focused, attentive. Looking at life unfolding itself, in the form of that person, in that moment.

Noticing that something comes to me to say, or not.

Aware that support is alive…everywhere. I’m not the one running things. I have no idea that this path is the “wrong” one for that person.

Without the thought, I also notice that I don’t flip to the opposite spectrum of reaction, either…the infamous “cut-off” approach….the “you’re a loser so I’m dropping you forever” approach.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • I am suffering and it’s hard, terrible, sad, agonizing as I look at them this way
  • I need to comfort myself, I do not need to comfort them
  • I should not say anything
  • I should say what is true in this present moment
  • they should not see that they are capable, I should see that they are capable
  • they have support of all the universe, they don’t need my personal help unless I can easily and peacefully give it

“True autonomy is not trying to fit in or be understood, nor is it a revolt against anything. It is an uncaused phenomenon. Consciously or unconsciously all beings aspire to it, but very few find the courage to step into that infinity of aloneness.” ~ Adyashanti

To find out who I really am without the belief that my heart goes out to someone…..in a painful, sad, stressed, desperate way.

Incredible. Mystery. Infinity of Aloneness.

All is well. Maybe not as scary as you thought.

“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Throw Away Holiness, Wisdom, Morality and Justice

The first time I offered a teleclass for people wanting to do The Work on Sexuality (the next one starts on Mondays 10/21 by the way) I had lots of tentative but hopeful emails.

People asked questions like “Will it really be OK to share my judgments with perfect strangers?” or “What will we be discussing exactly?” or “I want to work on this with my husband…but it feels too private to talk about”.

Doing The Work on any judgment is difficult. Add sexual contact to the mix and its even harder.

But I’ve heard incredible work, right up on stage with hundreds of people in the audience, from courageous inquirers who sat with Byron Katie and looked at their troubling beliefs about sexual expression.

If you’re like me, you may have been raised in a family and culture in which we don’t talk about anything having to do with sex, except maybe in whispers with someone you really trust.

I don’t know about you….but not being able to even say a word that had to do with sex was pretty stressful….since it seemed like a lot of people might bethinking about it.

I love having every life situation be available for investigation with inquiry.

Even that moment when you were wondering, feeling, imagining, fantastizing something frightening or something pleasant.

The interesting thing about sexuality is that it really isn’t that different from any other topic when it comes to inquiring into the moment that brings on stress.

It’s a wonderful venue for asking questions about attraction, rejection, saying yes, saying no, noticing what you desire or find repulsive….

….the very same kinds of questions we experience every day when it comes to pleasure, desire, needing, wanting, love, food, money, friendship, work, hunger, thirst.

A thought comes along, then an impulse to do something, get something.

If it’s all beautiful and peaceful and loving, then you know it. It all feels good, and kind.

But sometimes those impulses or thoughts feel like commands or orders.

I MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, NOW.

The first step is to bring to mind a situation that felt worrisome, annoying, where you felt mixed up or nervous, bad about your attraction or someone else’s attraction….that’s the stressful situation.

I have one in mind.

While this situation is not uncommon and it appears to be alive since humans existed….it is nevertheless a source of great judgment and angst.

I felt attraction towards someone while being clearly and solidly in a committed relationship with someone else.

It was like I was committing a sin deserving of crushing punishment.

Why couldn’t I just be happy with my primary partner?

I thought all kinds of terrible, frightening thoughts:

  • if my partner knew I was attracted to someone else, he would be sad, disappointed, rejected
  • if this came out into the open, my life would change for the worse
  • this means I’m not monogamous, or happy
  • this means I’m sick, out of control, stupid, ignorant and could ruin my life based on physical attraction which means nothing in the long run
  • if my friends knew about this, they would lump me together with the “wrong” people like those affair-having people
  • people who act on their physical desires are not wise

Oh boy. Lots of very shaming thoughts.

Very good for inquiry.

Is it true that feeling physical attraction for another human MEANS that you’re unwise, being risky, hurting someone, sick, stupid, ignorant, creating disappointment, or wrong?

I mean, did I make that feeling of attraction arise?

This is really wonderful to consider.

I often thought that if I had a difficult feeling then I needed to fix it. Or act on it.

Do something. Satisfy it, change it, eliminate it.

How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t be attracted to someone, or that other people shouldn’t be attracted to whomever they are actually attracted to?

I protest. I feel fear. It feels like secrets are on the loose. My attractions, other peoples’ attractions…all dangerous. They could pop up at any moment, unexpectedly! Yikes!

How do I react when I believe that attraction needs to be controlled, that its wild and unruly and damaging is that I suppress it, keep it to myself….or I get afraid of it arising in other people?

They’ll go crazy if they get attracted…to other people or to me! It will be like Romeo and Juliet, destructive, sad, horrible, too much, painful.

People kill themselves over this stuff.

So who would I be if I didn’t believe the thoughts that having a feeling of attraction means I’m wrong, or anyone else is wrong?

Without the feeling that it needs to be satisfied, or acted on, or deleted, or fixed?

What if its just there, a feeling of great pleasure, washing through the mind, flowing through the body?

Without the thought that there’s anything wrong with having a feeling of attraction, I notice there is no need for secrets, no need to keep it locked down.

I’m enjoying myself. No need to act.

I notice attraction comes and goes and is never static.

I notice attraction has no concern for what the mind things it “should” feel attraction for.

Without the thought that feeling attraction is bad, I feel free. My heart feels joyful.

And I notice beyond all identity, I have no idea what I am, because there is an alive attraction for so many beautiful people of all ages, sizes, genders.

When I turn the thought around I find how true it is that an attraction I feel is good, and right.

And so is that other person’s attraction, whether directed towards me or directed towards someone else.

Good that all the waves of appreciation, attraction, pleasure are flying through the universe.

  • if my partner knew I was attracted to someone else, he would be happy, encouraged, interested
  • if this came out into the open, my life would change for the best
  • this doesn’t mean I’m not monogamous, or happy
  • this means I’m healthy, in control, brilliant, wise and could expand my life based on physical attraction
  • if my friends knew about this, they’d have their opinions
  • when I act on my physical desire, it is not wise

“You’re having sex with him in your mind and thinking how terrible [or how good] that is. You tell the story, over and over, of what it’s like having sex with your husband. That story is what’s repelling you, not your husband. Sex without a story has never repelled anyone. It just is what it is. You’re having sex or you’re not. It’s our thoughts about sex that repel us.” ~ Byron Katie 

Not having a nervous reaction about a feeling of sexual attraction, not going into fantasies or hallucinations, not using thoughts to repel or attract myself, or make myself wrong or right?

Oh, how lovely. How peaceful. How exciting!

What if you are OK, just the way you are, with your attraction, wondering, curiosity, watching, noticing, being, allowing?

What if you can trust who you are at the core?

“Throw away holiness and wisdom, and people will be a hundred times happier. Throw away morality and justice, and people will do the right thing. Throw away industry and profit and there won’t be any thieves. If these aren’t enough, just stay at the center of the circle and let all things take their course.” ~ Tao Te Ching #19

The teleclass our Wonderful Sexuality begins Monday, Oct. 21st and I am taking registrations for both 8 am and 5:15 pm Pacific time. Maybe only one of those times will be when the class actually meets, so write and let me know which one you’d prefer.

Much love, Grace