News Flash: Join me for a completely free Eating Peace Master Class Online on Sunday morning 8:30 am Pacific Time. You participate from the comfort of your home with any computer. You’ll receive a link to the webinar in your Inbox if you register. To sign up, click HERE.
Watch my little two minute video about it here:
You can find peace with compulsive eating (thinking). Join me on Sunday!
Why am I offering such a class?
Because I’m committed to supporting people end their misery around food, eating and body image.
To end all misery, in every area, really.
You probably know by now, my worst nightmare was living with terrible thoughts and feelings about eating, food, and how my body looked and performed athletically.
Always falling short, never good enough.
Unable to stop binge-eating and then swinging to total restriction and freaking out on heavy exercise.
You don’t have to have this experience with eating to know the pain of compulsive or “addictive” behavior.
….this state of grabbing can precede the urge to smoke, spend money, buy stuff, clean, surf the internet for hours, watch TV, drink, smoke, gamble, obsess, be sexual, think.
Addicts Anonymous….you know what I mean?
Yikes.
It’s really not a happy life in this cycle.
But if we knew what else to do, we’d do it.
The interesting trick I’ve found (and the only one that seems to hold up over time)?
Questioning Thoughts.
Wondering who I would be without them.
Noticing what’s right here, now, in front of my face and in my environment.
What I’m surrounded by that is Not Thinking.
At first, it was just puzzling.
Then….wondering who I was without thought became quite interesting.
Then….fascinating.
And then….just a feeling, a being.
Here. Present. Accounted For.
But don’t worry about all that.
We all think, we all believe, we all take ourselves very seriously, we’ve all fallen into fantasy worlds.
All it takes is practice to relax, just like walking.
As you use your imagination to experience what it’s like to be without your stressful thoughts….
….you get a glimpse of freedom.
If you’re not sure how and you’re especially interested in questioning thoughts about food and eating….
….come join me on Sunday morning for The Work of Byron Katie on food and eating.
We’ll take at least one deeply stressful core belief to inquiry, so you’ll know what to do the next time you’re suffering.
And the next.
And the next.
You can do this.
Right now….who would you be without your thoughts? What’s going on around you, in you, through you?
Are you laughing yet?
And if you aren’t, there’s nothing wrong with you.
Join me in the gift of inquiry….nothing compares to freedom from stressful thinking! Attend a class or retreat, and celebrate peace
Wow, there’s a lot happening! Can’t wait to spend time with you in this gift of inquiry, if it’s right for you this new year.
In Person Cancer Support Group Seattle starts up again January 13th 5:30-7:00 pm. Limited to 8 participants. Join for a minimum of 4 consecutive sessions.
Eating Peace In Person 3 Day Retreat January 22-24, 2016 9:30 am-9:00 pm Friday and Sat, 9:30 am-5:00 pm Sunday
Money: Loving This Story 8 week telecourse January 14th 2:00-3:30 pm Pacific Time (room for one more only)
Money, Work and Business: In Person Retreat March 25-27, 2016 Seattle $295 Question money+work, change your world
Meetup: January 17th 2:00-4:00 pm $10 everyone welcome
May Retreat: Three Days to Freedom–The Work of Byron Katie May 13-15, 2016 Seattle $395
Breitenbush Hotsprings Annual Summer Retreat, Oregon: June 22-26, 2016 Early Bird Now $395
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It’s funny when the calendar year changes, it makes many of us think about the Whole Year ahead.
That other year, the one we just had, is now over.
We’re using a different number now when we write out the date, and we’ll keep doing this for 365 days in a row, all over the world.
I see and hear people saying things like “let’s have a great 2016!” or “make 2016 your best year ever!” or “set your 2016 goals NOW, no time to lose!”
Now, don’t get me wrong.
Those are sweet ideas, and can be encouraging, good ideas.
Except….we have absolutely no control, no way to really truly assert this “great” year we’d like to have. No way to predict the actual outcome.
And it doesn’t take special goal-setting or drive or discipline to have a great year.
It’s even better that that.
Right now, today, you can live, feel and be what you hope to have by the end of this year.
That’s it.
I know it sounds weird.
But why wait?
I’ll explain.
OK, so let’s say you’re single and you want a partner. Or, let’s say you have a business and you’d like to double your income (or multiply it by ten–I crack up with all the 10x this and 10x that). Or, let’s say you want a new job. Or, how about finishing that book (my thought) or getting into tip top physical condition or reconciling with your dad or moving to a more compatible home, or serving your community in a bigger way, or repaying your debts, or speaking on a stage to 1000 people.
All valid, beautiful, positive visions.
And I love bringing attention to this moment, NOW.
In fact, it’s the only way any of these visions for a future ever actually come into reality.
Today.
It’s a lot easier than picturing the whole entire year and all those days and all that work.
When we consider huge projects and pushing and effort and persistence….
….you can get really exhausted, just thinking about it.
You can start out super crazy strict, and hyper-alert or disciplined, and pretty soon you’re burned out, and unhappy, and your thoughts are that it’s not worth it.
Too hard.
Instead, I love questioning the thought (because it can be very stressful) that this year I must accomplish x, y, z.
So like I said…..
….how about looking at today, instead?
Here’s what I mean, or how you can work with your visions and thoughts about a great future.
Let’s say I like the idea of making more money.
First, I explore my beliefs about why on earth I would want more money.
What would more money give me, if I had it?
Security, breathing-easy, more empty down time to relax.
I could share more money and experiences with my children and family or others in need, I could travel to more meditation retreats, or exotic places like Istanbul or Europe or Vietnam. I could fix all the broken things in my house. I could buy an electric car.
Life would surely be more fun, exciting and learning-filled.
With money.
Yep, that’s what I need more of.
Is it true?
(See how I snuck self-inquiry in there? I know, it was clever).
Well….it sure seems like with more money I could do all those things and therefore have happiness, relaxation, freedom and joy.
But is it absolutely true I need money to have these things?
No.
How do you react when you believe more money is better for you in the upcoming year?
Wow, I focus on it like crazy. I stay up late working. I get frantic creating new programs and packing in as much as possible to my daily schedule. I don’t even care about my daily quality of life, or spending much time with my children or family. I feel jealous if my friends are leaving for Thailand. I feel awkward when I get invited to someone’s house for dinner and they live in a palace. I’m assessing how much money I “think” people have when I really don’t know. I get resentful of paying taxes.
Now for the wonderful question.
Who would you be without the thought you need to focus, push, reach this goal during this upcoming year?
Who would you be without this belief that more money is required, right here in this moment, looking around at your life?
I notice right now, I’m sitting on an airplane traveling from Los Angeles to Seattle where I live. I have a lap top. I have a tray table holding the lap top. I’m wearing a really beautiful and warm pink wool sweater. The sky out the airplane window is a ribbon of brilliant robin’s egg blue, then orange, then black at the edge of the earth.
My body feels warm and soooo relaxed.
I’m full of joy.
I think of my kids and family and husband and smile. Even my father, who has been gone for nearly 25 years I think of right now and feel a warm joy of “thank you”.
I have pictures flashing of an electric car, or a perfect house, or hiring an employee, or having adventures or going on meditation retreats or having the perfect body, and without the belief any of those are required for happiness or peace….
….I feel incredible freedom.
More money will bring security, ease, fun, safety, joy, success….
….could these qualities already be here, no matter what money is doing or not doing?
Wow. Yes.
I find examples of how what I think “more money” would bring, is actually already here.
You can do this with the thing or achievement you dream of, too.
As Byron Katie says….
….skip the middle man!
(In my case, skip the money–and this doesn’t mean reject the money, not at all).
Do you think you’ll be closer to what you envision for yourself by feeling joy, love, contentment, ease, relaxation, peace, gentleness, kindness, safety, security, calm right now in this very moment, today?
Or do you think you’ll be closer to what you envision for yourself by feeling angst, worry, upset, nervousness, anger, frustration, intensity, disappointment, fury, scarcity, or fear?
Ha ha, kind of hilarious, right?
Try the first way.
Even if you don’t reach your goals….
….you’ll have fun on your way down.
“You move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you’re anxious or frustrated with money, join me in the teleclass starting next Thursday afternoon PT, or come to retreat March 25-27. What if you had a wonderful money story and career story, rather than a terrible one? Now that’s exciting.
Eating Peace January 22-24, 2016 right here in north Seattle in a gorgeous lodge is about to happen. Still room for more. Click HERE for details. Repeaters receive a reduced rate. Come have three days of discovering peace when it comes to food and eating.
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Reducing and dissolving your stress is a golden key to ending compulsive or emotional eating.
You may think “I already know that! But I can’t stop feeling stressed out!!”
Doing The Work of Byron Katie, the powerful inquiry-based stress reduction, is the most lazer, brilliant way to work with your stress I’ve ever found.
And I spent a long time looking for answers.
It’s not a little thing to work with your own belief system, and alter it.
Questioning your thoughts brings new ideas, feelings, possibilities….
….And with new feelings and possibilities, you are more likely to actually behave differently.
At least, this has always been my own experience.
You may have thoughts like these:
I can’t stop eating
I’ll never change
there is something wrong with me
I’m just too sick (or greedy) when it comes to food
nothing works that I’ve ever tried
They are big thoughts, and very stressful, but they can all be questioned and taken to inquiry.
The fourth question in The Work is: who would you be without your thought?
What would it be like to not have the thought that you can’t stop eating, you’ll never change, or there’s something wrong with you?
Don’t just say….I have no idea. It’s too hard. I can’t see it. I don’t know what I’d be like.
You have an amazing imagination, you aren’t missing anything as a human being, you are capable of slowing down and making discoveries about this dynamic with eating.
Watch here today to get a taste of peace with food and eating, and wondering who you would be, how you’d feel, what it would be like to not think your stressful thoughts?
Try it right now.
Eating Peace: Who are you without your beliefs about You and Eating?
Question your fearful thoughts about presenting, performing, a difficult conversation….and feel your heart open to the whole wide world
Have you ever had butterflies in your stomach in anticipation of being up on stage or in front of people?
Most of us can remember this kind of buzzing excitement within for the first time when they were just a kid.
Maybe in school, maybe standing up in front of a crowd of peers to speak out, maybe being in an end-of-year dance performance for all the parents.
Yesterday, around an hour before I was to go on stage to present on Eating Peace I felt a flutter of excitement race up my chest, and in my quiet hotel room I opened up the slides on my laptop that I’d be sharing with everyone. I sat still and ran through the talk again mentally, cutting out two slides since I learned I’d have ten minutes less time than expected.
I used to feel crazy nervous when going up on stage.
I will never forget having Bach sheet music opened on my lap, tapping the page silently with my fingers in the green room as the other piano students went out on stage, one after the other, and performed their pieces for recital.
I could hear the applause and picture the students taking a bow. I would count, 3 more to go then me, 2 more to go then me, 1 more to go then me, OK you’re next.
It’s funny how the mind gives a blow-by-blow report like a sportscaster.
Thanks for sharing, brain, I can see what’s happening here without you commenting every step of the way! Jeez!
But there’s something simple and wonderful about rehearsing and going over something you anticipate, when it’s very important.
People plan for emergencies, after all.
We practice.
Even though it never, ever could go the exact way we anticipate.
Even though it’s truly unknown, until it’s over.
And yet, with repetitive practice….
….it’s more likely you’ll feel alive, clear, focused and joyful as you make your presentation.
Even if your hands are shaking, and you feel like volcanic steam is exploding in your torso.
The Convention I’m attending here in Los Angeles is a gathering of Facilitators of The Work, inspiring people who move The Work in the world as teachers, lawyers, business owners, doctors and researchers, and Byron Katie of course, and her husband Stephen Mitchell the beautiful writer and translator.
Some of the attendees are candidates here to graduate from a rigorous program of training in self-inquiry. They’re all making presentations to small groups who evaluate them (I went through this in 2008).
I had the honor of being one of the professional presenters to the whole conference (there were about ten of us).
It’s truly a think-tank kind of scene. Super inspiring.
And yes….adrenaline appears to be present in many awesome people who are making presentations and being evaluated.
What’s one of the best ways to handle nerves?
Why……The Work, of course!
So right now, think of something you feel a little anxious about doing.
If it’s not leading a meeting or being on stage, it may be an honest conversation you need to have with someone in your life, maybe even someone close.
What do you think they might think of you, if you speak it, do it, say it, take action?
Here’s my list of what they could think about me:
yawn–this is so boring
nothing she has to say is helpful or applies to me
she’s blabbing on and on with too many words
she’s not intelligent
she’s too soft and gentle in her demeanor–where’s the spunk?
how about a joke?
As I make my list, I am reminded of how deeply interested I am in entertainment.
Presentations need to be exciting, zesty, juicy, thrilling (according to me, I guess).
So of course, I’m worried other people might have the same thoughts about mine.
Let’s inquire.
Is it true that if someone thinks you’re boring, you are?
is it true that if someone thinks anything negative about you, it’s bad news?
Is it true if someone gets upset in response to what you say, it means everyone is upset, or you’re a bad rotten tomato?
No.
How do you react when you believe that other peoples’ thoughts need to be worried about? When other peoples’ thoughts can cause you to be rejected, or hated?
Oh so very, very careful.
Insanely careful.
I hold back, I’m sweating, I try to be pleasing, I’m not my true self.
I don’t bring up important things. I just try to “get through” and survive something where I’m on stage, or in the spot light. I don’t risk anything new or different.
I’m definitely Not Funny.
I also avoid what’s truly serious for me, too.
So who would you be without the belief you’ve got to hold it together, do a good job, make sure you’re not boring, make sure you’re funny, appear intelligent, or any of the other things that come through your mind about what other people might want?
This is a big question.
This is a super, wonderful, exciting question.
If you really can hold very, very still and relax so deeply, without concern for how people perceive you and consider your answer and really wonder what it would be like to not have any concern for other peoples’ thoughts…..
…..then wow.
It’s actually quite thrilling.
For me, it feels like an astonishing willingness to collapse into connection with everyone, rather than be concerned for this image, this person called “me”, this “I” using lots of energy to look perfect, or funny, or intelligent.
Without the thoughts of fear about what other people think?
A great laughter bubbles up from somewhere deep within, and tears of gratitude and sharing. Pure joy. Excitement, heart-beating, aliveness.
Truth telling!
Love!
All it takes is imagining who you are without knowing what anyone thinks of you.
Hilarious, right?
Because you actually don’t.
When I went on stage, all nervousness just dropped away. I spoke, I clicked my slides, I kept it simple, I ended at basically the exact amount of time allotted.
People lined up to ask for a copy of the slides I used, to say how inspired they were, to say how much they learned, to say how connected they felt to me now that they knew more of my personal story of recovering from an eating disorder.
One woman had tears and the sweetest eyes, sharing some of her difficult journey with addiction. I gave her such a long hug. My heart was bursting.
All I know is I love recovery, healing, and clarity.
All I could do was to share what it looks like in me.
As it turned out, that was enough.
“The Master never reaches for the great; thus she achieves greatness. When she runs into a difficulty, she stops and gives herself to it. She doesn’t cling to her own comfort; thus problems are no problem for her.” ~ Tao Te Ching #63
Much love, Grace
P.S. A lot of people feel shame when it comes to compulsions. Someone asked if they could attend the Eating Peace Retreat even though they’re working on why they over-drink sometimes. Sure. This deep inner work will still work on whatever consuming-type behavior disturbs your peace.
On a third day anywhere new, most people begin to feel more at home.
The basics are handled.
If I’m staying someplace for 3 days, by then I know where the bathrooms are, the closest places to get food or water, the quiet areas, where I can run or walk or exercise, what the neighborhood is like where I’m staying.
Being at the Cleanse, I’ve also found that my own mind after three days listening to The Work relaxes, opens, becomes comfortable with unraveling itself.
Willing to slow down, to stop.
To love what is.
Yesterday we heard from a woman whose daughter was murdered, a man who believed his wife kicks him when he’s down, and an incredible restaurant owner who has felt agony because of factory farms for meat, GMOs and corporations.
Another woman also investigated the belief that her son hates school, and a daughter did The Work on her needy elderly mother.
In the middle of all this powerful inquiry….
….Katie gave us all an exercise.
Do a positive worksheet, rather than the customary “negative” worksheet where you capture negative and stressful thoughts about a situation on paper.
Wow, how fascinating!
I have found, over the years, that ultimately what self-inquiry offers is the freedom to question all thought. Even thoughts that seem positive.
Anything the mind perceives can be questioned. It’s a more fluid, wild, magical world this way.
But I had never done Katie’s exercise.
She guided everyone through:
Remember a moment in time when you felt love for someone.
You said “I love you”.
Picture that moment vividly.
I pictured a sweet moment with my daughter. I saw images flashing through of my husband, my son, my mom, my sisters, my friends.
I tell a lot of people I love them. I feel my heart surge and I am deeply touched. I also hear “I love you” from a lot of people, too.
I felt no stress with thinking of this kind of moment, at least that’s what I thought initially.
But I love that Katie made the suggestion. She wanted us to consider the freedom of not having to know what’s going on, or to label something “love”.
The idea of love certainly does seem to cause a lot of turmoil in peoples’ lives. I felt very willing to go along with the exercise.
So….let’s take a closer look right now.
Is it true that you loved that person?
Simply notice. If you said “yes” can you absolutely know it’s true?
Are you sure you loved that person?
It’s totally OK to still say “yes”.
I found as I sat slowly with the inquiry…..I’m not even sure. Do I even know what love is? How do I know to say it? Why do I say it to some people, and not others? What is it I have to know about someone, or feel about them, in order to say it?
How do you react when you believe “I love you!”
People called out from the audience how they reacted. They said what they pictured, what they hoped for, what they expected, what they dreamed of when they said “I love you”.
Maybe you want to hear “I love you” back. Maybe you’re expressing your pleasure and approval of that person. Maybe you’re hoping this moment will last forever. Maybe you want that person to know they are loved, so they feel good (and you feel good).
Amazing to consider what love actually means.
Huh.
Imagine not knowing exactly what “love” is?
I suddenly became aware of love being a deep warmth, an energy, something present all the time, with everyone, and everything….and inexplicable. Not definable. Mysterious. Not attached to specific people.
Woah.
Wow.
So who would you be without the belief “I love you” in that situation?
People called out from the audience again.
Free. Expansive. Full of joy. Not obligated. No expectations. Satisfied. Grounded.
At peace.
Turning the thought around: I love myself. I do not love you. I love everyone. I love. I.
For some reason, this was the way my turnarounds unfolded.
I considered them all, wondering about them, saying them out loud. Finding examples of them. Feeling how they could be just as true, or truer, in this world of duality.
It’s been very true that I don’t love you when you say something mean or frightening, or act crazy or troubling. I don’t love you when you leave me. I don’t love you when you criticize me. I don’t love you when I feel pain in our relationship.
Katie’s said it before, but she said it again yesterday during the exercise.
Turning it around again: I love myself, in that situation when I say I love you to someone.
I’m always supporting (or trying to) what’s best for me, and my relationship to the universe, and this is all I can do really.
Everywhere I go, I’m there. I’m always there!
I am my best companion–there’s nothing I can actually do about it!
Another turnaround: I love everyone. I love life. I love humanity. I love this incredible world, this astonishing journey.
And then….there is no “you” and no “me” and no specific thing called “love” that is special in only that moment with me being the one doing it and saying it’s true.
Love is.
Everywhere. Any time.
With everyone.
And when it’s not….The Work.
“Bring the truth home to yourself and begin to set yourself free. It’s no longer necessary to wait for people or situations to change in order to experience peace and harmony. The Work is the direct way to orchestrate your own happiness.” ~ Byron Katie
Waiting for the Mental Cleanse with Byron Katie to begin, the chairs of inquirers for peace
Sitting at an event, listening, drinking in what’s going on is so incredibly sweet.
Day 2 of the Mental Cleanse in Los Angeles.
The day is mapped out and scheduled, there’s a huge conference room with many chairs all lined up for the audience, and on stage two big comfy chairs for Byron Katie and whomever is sitting with her investigating something troubling about the human condition.
Yesterday, five different people shared, and some were the kind of situations I thought, when I first encountered The Work….
….you can’t really question THAT situation and find peace….
….can you?
A teenager hearing horrible voices, a drunk husband who peed in the hallway, a young woman who had been sexually molested by a step father, terror of the huge earthquake coming to the west coast of the US, and the impending death of aging parents.
These are some of what we think of as the greatest difficulties of life.
At least I’ve thought it.
Relationships are maybe one thing, or being annoyed at your job, or not having enough money, or running out of gas in your car, or missing a flight, or a family feud….
….but death? Earthquakes? Abuse?
Is it possible to come to peace with very frightening events?
Yes.
That’s what I know and remember as I sit listening, hearing these brave people do their work, and doing my own.
Every time someone goes up into the chair to work on stage, it’s really an investigation for all of us. We’re all here sharing the questioning of these stories that appears tragic in the human condition.
We’re doing it together.
Katie said to the audience….
….“you can un-do 1000 years of suffering this morning.”
By getting very still and inquiring.
By asking, is it true, that thought you’re thinking? That image you’re seeing?
Isn’t it just a memory? Is a memory reality?
Can you be in this present moment, looking around, feeling what is here, seeing, hearing….
….without being so sure bad stuff could happen any minute?
Are you sure those things are as insurmountable, impossible, sick, violent, horrible, and debilitating as you’ve believed?
Are you OK in this moment? Did you make it through?
I keep noticing…..yes.
I’m right here.
What is this that’s right here? Who is this? What is this life I’m living? What is suffering? What is peace?
“Every time we do this work, we’re answering the question: who am I?” ~ Byron Katie yesterday at the Cleanse
And that’s the most exciting thing to wonder about, ever.
Meetup today! 2-4 pm at Goldilocks Cottage in northeast Seattle.
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But I really have to do that RIGHT NOW….are you sure?
I was pregnant with my son (he is now 21 years old).
It was the beginning of the sixth month.
I looked down in amazement, for the hundredth time, at the way the belly stretched out in a round smooth balloon shape.
I was observing the process of a life coming into form, and simply….
….move itself along.
I still frequently remember this moment vividly.
Because, even though I continuously was fascinated, almost in awe of having this experience…..
….something that day was different.
Suddenly, I realized it was not “my” belly.
I was looking at “a” human belly that was doing it’s own thing and was being run by the universe, or God, or Life (whatever you like calling the great mystery of it all).
It was like there was something watching the whole thing, being stunned and amazed at having no idea how this all happens, or why, or wherefore, and awareness of not being in charge whatsoever.
And then a voice inside said to me like hearing someone talk out loud practically…..
…..remember how great it is to stretch?
The feeling of stretching like a cat to the ceiling and sucking in as the stomach flattens.
The sensation of languidly reaching.
The sensation of breathing deeply, then raising arms over a head, and feeling the back bone and stomach come much closer together, all the organs and guts and everything inside the torso moving with a slight back bend and a melting in and up.
I used to do gymnastics, but it had been a long time since a back bend or a walkover.
Except right NOW….
….I can’t do that. I’m pregnant.
Then, an inner voice, yelling.
DON’T THINK ABOUT WANTING THAT!!
You can’t have it!!!!!
A little wave of fear coursed through me.
This body can’t do that move in this condition. It will be a long time, many many weeks, until stretching like that is possible.
I know this sounds really melodramatic, right?
Oh My God what a TERRIBLE thought……
……to want to stretch and not be able to!
But it was weirdly serious, strangely full of warning. Do not go beyond this point.
You are in a course of events that are unknown, and all you can do is go along for the ride.
Do NOT wish for something right now that is not possible in reality.
Including the simple act of stretching.
That would be painful.
Now, when I think about how vivid and clear that moment was, it’s like a foggy window got completely wiped free, or a round circle got popped out with those fancy and brilliant glass cutters.
But it’s kind of weird to talk about it, because who has such a moment of insight about not being able to stretch during pregnancy!
Not being able to stretch is so no big deal. What a weirdo.
But I STILL remember that moment, and some unexplained wisdom appearing from within that KNEW that spending anything more than the split second I did of longing for something different….
….was a way to create suffering for myself.
Actually to create it out of thin air.
Wanting something that wasn’t possible.
Wow.
I could wait until later.
I would HAVE to, in fact.
I knew right then that going with the flow of what was happening was far, far, far easier than complaining internally about what was happening in my body and what I couldn’t do at the moment.
What I didn’t see at the time, was the wisdom of how this applied to absolutely everything about reality.
I had no idea.
If I argue with what is going on in my life, the natural trajectory I am not controlling….
….then I will lose the argument.
The arguing itself will give me nothing but angst and suffering, frustration, wishing, longing, sadness, annoyance.
“Am I better off making up an alternate reality in my mind and then fighting with reality to make it be my way, or am I better off letting go of what I want and serving the same forces of reality that managed to create the entire perfection of the universe around me?” ~ Michael Singer in The Surrender Experiment
Today, I love that right in this moment (I just did it) I stood up and stretched to the ceiling.
Now, it turns out, is good for stretching in this body.
But that hasn’t always been the case, and there will be a time again in the future when it isn’t again.
If you find your mind is upset about what you can’t do, have, achieve, accomplish….
….question your need to do that right NOW.
It’s not about giving up dreams or visions, or falling into an uncaring depressed apathy.
Just noticing who you would be without the belief you need to stretch, when you absolutely can’t in this moment?
“Perfection is another name for reality. The only way you can see anything as imperfect is if you believe a thought about it. ‘It’s inadequate, it’s ugly, it’s unfair, it’s flawed’—is that true? This chipped coffee cup on the table: how beautiful it is when you simply look at it, without any thought of what it should be.” ~ Byron Katie
Are you truly interested in ending my way of thinking that results in suffering?
Thoughts about someone else doing unmentionable addictive things? Do The Work for freedom!
Do you have someone in your life who repeatedly acts a certain way, and you find it disturbing?
Almost funny to ask the question….because if you give yourself even a few minutes to consider it….you can probably find it.
Yeah, now that you mentioned it….
Amazing, though, how frightening it is for people to see this part of the mind that objects to someone else and what they’re doing, or saying, or feeling.
But give yourself the amazing gift of inquiry today, if you’ve noticed some small (or large) behavior in someone else you don’t appreciate or like.
It doesn’t mean you are a bad person, if you have something like this you notice, if you have something about another person that bothers you.
Not at all.
It means you’re a human being, with a brain.
Long ago I was dating someone who was very caustic, opinionated, intense, and hilarious, and in a great deal of pain–in both my opinion and his opinion.
I had The Work, so I knew to question my thoughts.
I did quite a few worksheets on this guy!
Because of the number of worksheets and stressful thoughts about him, there were a few times when I thought “I should give up!”
What good was this to repeat the same complaints over and over again about this individual?
The thing is, that’s a nice thought to have, EXCEPT….
….giving up doesn’t really work either.
“You either question your thoughts, or you believe them….there is no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie
Your thoughts don’t just decide to dissolve, diminish or go away never to reappear again if you think “it’s no use, I can’t get rid of these thoughts.”
Because you’re trying to get rid of them!
How do you feel when someone tries to get rid of you?
So let’s take a look at a situation when someone is doing that super irritating thing again, or that discouraging thing, and you feel upset about it.
The place I found it repeating itself for me?
He shouldn’t be addicted.
I know other humans suffer deeply with this belief about people they love.
She shouldn’t drink. He shouldn’t smoke. They shouldn’t use drugs. He shouldn’t engage in that activity. She should stop cleaning,trying to be perfect, exercising, working. He should stop watching TV, gambling, having affairs.
The person I thought of over and over again who should not be addicted was troubled by his pornography use. He paid a lot of money for it, he went on binges with it, he swung from zero sexual contact to compulsive sexual contact with other people.
He was incredibly unhappy, he reported.
Yet, he couldn’t stop signing up for membership porn sites, and paying for sexual encounters, or even masturbating.
I know this may seem shameful to speak of, but replace this obsessive activity with eating, or drinking, or smoking. Just notice anything you feel the urge to hide.
It’s the same kind of shame.
Having the judgments feels shameful, too. I shouldn’t be judging him for this. I shouldn’t bring it up. Ew.
But there I was, dating someone with this kind of compulsion to do things that felt sexually stimulating.
I had a few thoughts.
He should control himself. He’s disgusting. He should have real relationships with people (with me) instead of using people to get off all the time. He should quit pushing for peak experiences and become interested in the valleys as-where most of us live. He should quit participating in the sick sex industry. He is immature, gross, inaccessible, unable to be intimate. I don’t ever want to date a man who uses porn again.
Phew.
See, I can still find the thoughts all right there, as I remember this relationship and how I saw him even though it was many, many years ago. The situation is still accessible to me.
Step #1: get all the vicious, mean, nasty, discouraged thoughts out on paper. Write it all down. All of it.
Step #2: One concept at a time, have someone walk you through inquiry–the four questions.
Like this.
Is it true that he should stop doing that behavior?
Yes. Dear God, yes.
Some mothers and fathers feel this way about their addicted kids. So much terror and angst, they might walk the streets at 2 am trying to find their kid. So much sadness.
Are you sure, are you absolutely positive this is true?
If you say yes again, no problem.
I understand.
I do see, from doing this work, that Reality appears to have addictive people living in it.
Reality includes a mind that believes, and gets so upset it thinks to escape with some activity or substance.
So for me, personally, I’m not really sure it’s absolutely true anymore. I also see how addiction brought me to my knees, and then to God/Reality/Source/Freedom.
How do you react when you believe he or she should not be operating the way they are operating, in the throes of addiction?
Screaming on the inside.
One huge “noooooo!”
Frightened half to death, enraged, wanting to hit something.
Who would you be without these thoughts?
Who would you be without the belief that this person you care about should stop that activity?
Who would you be in that same situation when they are doing it, or you learn about them doing it, and you aren’t hating it, or against it with all your might?
What if it was not personal?
Sometimes in this question, people think…..but….
….I would walk away, if I didn’t have this belief, and this would be terrible and even worse, and very sad.
I would quit fighting, and if I quit fighting I wouldn’t be there for them, or help them, and I’d be all alone. I would be the one who abandoned them. Oh no, I couldn’t do that, I have to keep the thought “they should stop” or else they (and I) will go to hell in a hand basket!
But are you sure THAT is true?
Do you really think everything is on YOU to be The One to turn that person around?
Are you the one in charge here?
I noticed, I wasn’t.
When I did this work in earnest, I suddenly realized, in this question four, that I had no idea how to be with my friend without the thought that he needed my help.
Wow.
Some might call that a big ego. Heh heh.
But I was willing to find out what it was like without being a “helper” or being someone who thought this other person needed to change.
Because, as mentioned, the way I was when I believed the thought also did not work. At all.
Instead of listening to long explanations of what, why or how this man I cared about entered his addictive behavior, I let it all rest.
(All those conversations were really incredible, by the way, and enlightening, and I saw how much I shared with him around wanting to escape the world).
Instead of having an End Goal to have this behavior stop, I stopped.
The relationship completely changed.
And then, ended in its current format.
No need for further communication.
No talking, no phone calls, no seeing each other….as it turned out.
Turning the thoughts around about this man and his pornography use:
I should control myself from being so addicted to helping him. He’s not disgusting. I should have real relationships with people (and with myself) instead of using helping people to get off all the time.
Wow.
I should quit pushing for peak experiences (bliss and happiness) and become interested in the valleys–where I usually live. I should quit participating in his sick sex industry by getting all freaked out about it.
I am immature, gross, inaccessible, unable to be intimate with him, or with myself (especially when I have a constant agenda of him not using).
And finally, I am willing to be in contact with people who are using porn again. I look forward to being in contact with them.
That’s 100% true.
Because I learned so much about compulsive sexual behavior from that amazing man, I have the ability to support people through inquiry and exploring their addictive process, without judgment.
I know it’s exactly the same as I was with food.
And it’s not like I haven’t had thoughts about sexuality and sexual experience–everyone has thoughts about this, all worthy of questioning if what you’re thinking is stressful.
It’s exactly the same as I’ve been over and over again with believing my stories are true.
“If you want to govern the people, you must place yourself below them. If you want to lead the people, you must learn how to follow them.” ~ Tao Te Ching #66
Ahhhhh yes.
I had learned also that sexuality was shameful, and worthy of hiding, and never discussing. I’ve pretended I didn’t have huge desires and passions for ecstatic experience of all kinds. I’ve been pulled into craving and fantasy, and worried it was wrong.
No different.
Thank you inquiry, for leveling out the playing field.
without your stressful story, maybe all you have is a beautiful wishing rock
You might be able to tell, there’s a theme lately going on in Grace Notes or Eating Peace videos on youtube.
Retreat.
On the inside.
But you may not be so happy about that theme if you feel like you’re not doing it right.
If you feel like you’re completely pissed off, agitated, anxious or depressed. Or on attack mode (the opposite of retreat) running forward trying to get it handled, or fixed, or done forever.
I get it.
The other day I thought a stream of thoughts, all of which were along the same vein….
….like the way there are veins in the old granite rock up near Ross Lake in the wilderness, driving distance from my home.
Up near Ross Lake, huge slabs of rock are exposed, with a highway cutting through the edge that winds up through the mountains.
College and high school classes go there for the observation and learning about geology of the region, where the under-layers of earth pushed and cracked to the surface and became exposed.
Huge veins of deep or light color run through the rock.
Like the pebbles you see on beaches that have one line running through the pebble that’s different from the rest of the rock, making the pebble appear to have a ring around it.
Since I was little, the kids all said “pick up this kind of pebble, make a wish, and throw it over your left shoulder into the water….your wish will come true.”
Wishing rocks.
Who said so?
Maybe someone many generations back, or far, far back into so many years ago we don’t even remember.
That one thread running through the rock was so solid, so beautiful, so permanent, so colorful.
As I was noticing a thread of thinking running through my own mind, I suddenly had the vision of one of these pebbles….
….or a whole side of a mountain, like near Ross Lake, that had a thick vein of color running through it in massive proportion.
My thoughts were thick and tight and strong, and repetitive, like this vein.
Sigh.
They went like this:
Life is kind of dull, like the weather. I don’t feel like (fill in the blank). Maybe I should get a different regular normal job (I always love when this thought comes in). How about a cup of coffee? Yeah, that’s it. It’s not possible to be on retreat at all times. It’s too boring, too slow, and not practical. There are too many things I want to do in life, and I need to clean. And pay bills. My cottage is too small. The carpet needs vacuuming. Nothing ever works out perfectly.
Yeah.
It was that self-piteous. Piss. Moan.
It continued.
My clients and students who are angry right now, or having a hard time, especially those who experience a contentious relationship with eating?
There’s no solution. They’re right. Life is hard. Holidays are difficult. Family is troubling. People are complicated. Addiction is not easy to overcome. Compulsion is too strong to address. It’s too hard to change one’s story.
And while we’re at it, can I mention that I hate shopping?
BEEEEEEEPPPPPP.
Did you hear the loud horn?
It was the kind that is built to scare away bears in the wilderness.
You hear it?
It means “stop now”.
Because these kinds of thoughts are strong, compelling and they have babies faster than you can say Jack Robinson.
(Which, by the way, do you know where the saying comes from “faster than you can say Jack Robinson?” From the 1600s in England. Talk about passing along ancient impressive history and old stories through phrases, like the line in the hard rock lasting for generations into the future, even if we no longer know who Jack Robinson is anymore).
Pause.
Even though everything is happening.
Even though you are getting on and off airplanes, or wishing you could and you aren’t.
Even though you are upset with the weather, and worried about global warming, and its not snowing where you live anymore, or snowing too much.
Even though you were fired, or your love of you life divorced you. Even though you lost your hearing, or your health. Even though you can’t read every amazing classic book ever written. Even though you don’t know what to get your kid for Christmas. Even though you’re sick of decorations all around you when you do not even celebrate this holiday. Even though you ate too many cookies at the office party.
Just stop.
Do you notice how you react when you think it’s hopeless?
Do you notice what happens in your body when you believe the world is a dangerous place, or disappointing?
Ow.
When I believe these kinds of thoughts, there’s a crushing weight of self-criticism, responsibility, grief.
So who would you be without these thoughts?
Without beliefs that pack tightly together and create a line inside a rock?
What if you just caught that chatter that says “I’m sick of it” and wonder who you are without the belief?
Because there are already huge parts of you without the belief.
My pinky finger on my right hand, for example, doesn’t have any of these thoughts.
I also didn’t have these thoughts yesterday when curling up in bed to go to sleep after a productive day.
I didn’t have the thought when walking into the gym, or listening to one of my best friend’s messages about her own thoughts with love and acceptance.
Or when I noticed the beauty of red car tail lights filling the night streets. I’m not kidding.
You don’t even really have to work so incredibly hard to wonder what it would be like to not have these kinds of solid, ancient thoughts.
Because there is already a great part of you, far bigger than the energy of this thinking, that doesn’t have any of these thoughts.
Who are YOU anyway, who believes it has stressful thoughts?
Are you sure YOU have them?
Where are they?
I notice they are only an energy, zipping through.
I notice they only come into vein-formation if I begin to follow them, and believe them, and take them seriously.
The other day a student wrote to me “I feel like breaking something!”
“How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!” ~ Byron Katie to me when asking her about my own anger and how to get rid of it.
Just because I think it, I feel it, doesn’t mean I AM IT.
Turning the thoughts around….
Life is full of movement, like the weather. I do feel like (fill in the blank). I am not the one in charge. Nothing is required. There are no solutions to “life”. It IS possible to be on retreat at all times, it’s already actually happening, I don’t have to try. My thoughts are profuse, and that’s fun. Only my mental noise and mind believes them, not the rest of me. I will never be “done”. My mind is too small, my mind needs vacuuming. Everything works out perfectly.
Pause a moment longer, now that you’ve been pausing to consider your thoughts, and not taking them seriously.
Take a very deep breath.
Relax your entire body. Hold still a moment.
Even if your mind yells and makes noise and comments and gestures and demands you get up and do something….
…..notice how you do not have to act like it’s true.
“Practice not doing, and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #3
I love how people enter The Work in all kinds of ways.
The other day someone who came to a meetup for the first time, knowing absolutely nothing about The Work, left with a delighted look in her eyes.
She had never read anything by Byron Katie, or tried The Work, before our meetup.
She simply trusted that her friend, who invited her, might be onto something interesting.
I love that some people dive in and follow the simple directions.
They write down their stressful thoughts about a person who’s bothering them, or a situation they find disturbing.
They take only one of the thoughts they’ve written, and apply the four questions.
There is no major motive to get somewhere else.
There is no vision about where they should be.
They know they feel pain about the relationship or concern, and they’re willing to try answering a few questions about it, slowing down, considering if what they’re assuming is actually true or not.
Today, if you’re not sure which way to go about something (or perhaps many things) that you find upsetting….
….instead of trying to analyze it further, or resolve it right now, or fix it, or feel better about it…..
….just ask these questions and see what happens, without any expectations whatsoever:
Is what you’re thinking actually true?
Is it absolutely true?
What happens, how do you react, when you’re thinking that thought, in that situation?
Who would you be without your thought, in that very same situation?
Then find turnarounds, or opposites, to your thought.
(Sometimes this is the tricky part, but even that’s OK….you’ll catch on).
Byron Katie suggested during an event once that I attended that if you felt stuck, but noticed you were talking to yourself and telling yourself stressful things in your own mind (things that made you sad, scared, or angry)….
….and you were too freaked out to sit down with a pen and paper and do The Work….
….why you could simply ask a stranger on the street to ask you the four questions (while handing them a card with the questions printed on it).
Katie has these little yellow cards called, well, the Little Yellow Card.
What I love about this idea is how simple it is.
It’s the simplest thing in the world to answer (or ask) four questions, and find turnarounds to what you’re thinking.
You don’t need something special to do The Work.
You can find someone nearby, and see if they’ll ask you the questions about something you find painful.
There’s really no right or wrong.
There’s just doing it.
“The future depends on what you do today.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
Much love, Grace
P.S. Two things already filling I better tell you about: 1) Eating Peace 3 Day Retreat Jan 22-24 Seattle and 2) Money Love Story 8 week telecourse Thursdays 1/14-3/10 2-3:30 pm. More about them soon! xo
