Category: Relationships

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Lower Your Standards

I had the privilege once many years ago, when I could barely appreciate it (and he was not yet famous), to meet Desmond Tutu. He taught me about lowering my standards and not thinking everything should be so much better and SO much more perfect than it seemed.

I was just gaining mileage in my journey of self-hate and self-criticism. I had dropped out of the pretty wonderful little liberal arts college my parents were scraping together money for me to attend, I was depressed, I was despairing about what I was going to do with my life.

My parents raised me in their chosen faith which was very profoundly important to them. It just happened to be the same tradition that Desmond Tutu was from, and he came to my home city to be with members of our congregation. It turned out my father and some people in the church had written him a letter and asked him to come.

Such a simple gesture—they asked for what they wanted! They didn’t question whether they should ask or not, or whether it was too much, or if they were being too selfish.

The only reason I was sitting at the table with Desmond Tutu was because he was staying in my parents house.

I felt entirely alone in the world. I wondered what this life was for, and the world seemed quite crazy. I was very busy questioning every belief I had ever heard about. I felt worthless. And the chaos I was experiencing left me full of dread and unhappiness.

I could see at the time that I did NOT LIKE questioning my beliefs! I didn’t really want to feel so uprooted.

Then there I was sitting next to this happy, happy man who was talking about Reality. I didn’t know at that time that I would run into Byron Katie 25 years later who was also talking about Reality.

Something about him caused me to look up. I was touched, right in the middle of dismissing everything around me and thinking this was all a big joke (and I wasn’t laughing).

Desmond Tutu spoke of how we see our Reality through our own personal history and our beliefs. He suggested that these beliefs were learned by those around us, passed along through the ages, and that we didn’t know any better.

He talked about having faith and what it meant. He trilled the “r” in the word Reality. He said “….the Real Reality”….and pointed to the center of his chest.

I could tell this man practiced questioned his thinking about who he thought was an enemy. I felt a deep spark of hope light very softly inside of me that it might be possible to view my world in a different way than I had been seeing it. I could start with the people I thought of as enemies.

I love it when I drop my condemning thoughts about my “enemies”. It doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them and become their best friend. But my critical mind stops running, I feel more peaceful and no longer afraid.

Who would you be without the thought that those mean, nasty people in the world are enemies? Or that this whole set up here, this life, is ridiculous or stupid.

I noticed when I felt the love that Desmond Tutu shared, even when he had observed terrible things, I found the place in me that matched this openness.

He didn’t give me peace, I found it because I recognized it as already inside me. It’s also why many of us love to sit and listen to Byron Katie work with others. We recognize the wisdom we already have. We recognize what it’s like to be in Heaven, just as we are.

We may be surprised at the people we find in heaven. God has a soft spot for sinners. His standards are quite low.—Desmond Tutu

Much Love, Grace

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They Should Clean The Kitchen

This past week I had minor knee surgery. I injured it several months ago while dancing.

I keep waiting to be irritable or annoyed, or unhappy. I noticed some pain, yes, and I was really, really sleepy for two days mostly because of the anesthesia. Now I limp.

But I just can’t get worked up about the actual knee or not being able to go out biking. I’m kind of liking being home all day.

The only time I experience a bit of stress is when I start thinking I should be doing something or that I ought to be accomplishing something right now.

Or when I tighten up against the pain I feel in my left leg.

Or (this one is good) when I think the rest of the people who live in this house aren’t cleaning up the kitchen! Forget any stress about the knee…why are there dirty dishes on the counter!?!

My mind seems to enjoy generating stories, like putting together endless puzzle pieces for a puzzle that will never be completed. It goes off on all kinds of tangents and wild goose chases!

  • No one else notices when the kitchen needs to be cleaned
  • There is a big dust dirt ball under that chair
  • I see cobwebs in the corner of the windows and SOMEONE should wipe them away
  • Who left their shoes in the middle of the living room?
  • The lawn needs to be mowed
  • Everyone in this family is sooooo dang messy!

So I read a short quote by Katie today and smiled…..as I lay in bed with my knee up on a pillow….“There is no story that is you or that leads to you. Every story leads away from you. You are what exists before all stories”.

Without any story behind what this all means with the knee thing or any story about the cleanliness of the house and what my family members need to be doing about it, I just sit and feel what it’s like to not have any thought of “should” and watch.

Oh look….my 15 year old just put all her dirty dishes in the dishwasher. And my partner then started the dishwasher. Then my son came in from being away overnight and collected all his stuff and took it to his room.

I also said once “could someone take out the garbage” and someone did it right away.

Asking for what I want is easy, especially when I’m not demanding that it happen. I ask, and it might happen and it might not, no big deal.

Same with the pain. It comes, it goes, I completely forget about it, then it’s back. It’s having its own life, no big deal. Loving what is.

“You are love. It hurts to believe you’re other than who you are, to live any story less than love.”–Byron Katie

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They Don’t Appreciate Me

Yesterday in the very first class of the next round of Turning Relationship Hell To Heavenparticipants brought their thoughts to share on the call, those incredible answers to the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Boy, it is amazing to really let it out, say what we’re thinking even though we know it isn’t perfect…it may even be childish, petty, and mean.

This is the first step to freedom. It’s like shining a big light right on the most judgmental thoughts and looking at them closely, carefully.

Then we questioned a very common belief, which I have thought thousands of times, or suspected: “that person does not appreciate me”.

I decided to look up “appreciate” in the dictionary today. It is “to recognize the full worth of something, to be grateful for something”.

Holy Moly! That’s exactly what I would love, every time I’ve ever thought that someone should appreciate me.

What The Work brings me is an open unknowing place where I discover, wow, do I really, really want someone else to recognize my full worth and be grateful for me? Would it really, really matter if they started saying all the time how worthy I am, or how grateful they are for my presence?

It’s like we want it just enough, but not too much….hmmm….could it be possible it’s never quite right. Constant seeking for this recognition from outside of myself.

I’ve been so SURE that if I had this recognition, I would feel so much better. So it really is like if THEY appreciate me and express gratitude, then I’ll be happier.

I love how the Work brings me back to turning things around to see not only how that other person might actually appreciate me already (this was hard for some people in the class yesterday to find) but also how I don’t really appreciate them, and I don’t appreciate myself at all.

These other unappreciative people kind of match what I’m thinking about myself.

I love Katie’s saying “You are the one you’ve been waiting for”. Can you imagine really being your own best friend, your own nurturing parent, your own playful child, your own secret admirer?

Letting go of needing or even wanting appreciation, I discover that sometimes, other people say things to me like “thank you so much” or “you are so wonderful”. Then, I notice that reality is offering appreciation.

How do I know I do NOT need to hear appreciating words from that person who never gives them? I don’t hear them.

How do I know I DO need to hear wonderful appreciating words and compliments about me? Someone says them and I hear them.

Sometimes sitting in question four is an act of imagination. As Katie writes in I Need Your Love, Is It True? You can take an imaginative leap. You imagine what your life would be like without the painful thought; if you weren’t even capable of thinking it. In your imagination, look at the person who you wish would appreciate you without the thought that they don’t.

I begin to see everyone doing the best they can. There is some important reason, and I may never know it, why they are not showing appreciation in the way I thought I wanted it.

But appreciation is still present here, in my life, inside of me…right here.

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Fabulous Uncertainty

This past week I was in an audience of 4000 counselors and therapists listening to an incredible man deliver a keynote speech at an annual conference, Irving Yalom. He is one of my teachers and a human I greatly admire in this world.

Most people have never heard of him! But he is famous in the world of mental health, a beloved psychotherapist who has taught at Stanford and practiced for 40 years.

Irving Yalom writes in one of his many books that the capacity to tolerate uncertainty is a prerequisite for becoming a therapist, and that really we are all in this together. The “problems” people bring to therapy are ALL of our problems.

This reminds me so much of Byron Katie saying “there are no new thoughts!”

We get uncomfortable and life happens, and we have interactions with other humans (often these are humans related to us, or very close) and something is threatened inside of us. We don’t feel safe, we feel loss, we feel needy, we feel misunderstood.

Then, the mind attacks that other person. It does this so innocently, it’s natural for the mind to do it. That person, that event, that situation caused me unhappiness. That thing outside of me hurt me. If only that thing, that person, hadn’t done that or said that, I would be OK right now.

Off with their head!!!!! Or…Run away!!!!!

And what about reality itself…so many things I haven’t agreed with about this world, if God had asked my opinion. I don’t like blood and accidents and cancer, I don’t like death. I don’t like starvation, hatred, wars, tsunamis, or climate change.

When I first read Loving What Is, I realized that I had a TON of things that I could write the book Hating What Is.

I love how Katie says “who needs God when we have you” when someone is particularly opinionated. And that would be me, right? I mean, like I said, I had a very long list of what I found unacceptable and in need of change. I had a few things to say to God, if I had God’s ear.

But then, oh dear, we can start to feel so horrendous about our thoughts, like we’re just the meanest, nastiest, most cutting, vicious, selfish, bossy person. Or the most cold, withdrawing, nervous person. Or the most unforgiving, resentful, closed-minded person.

Beginning to question all the concepts we have about those people who have done even the smallest thing that caused pain has made a huge difference in my life.

Then, questioning my beliefs about death, reality, God, life, pain….then my mind really begins to expand.

One of my most incredible light-bulb moments of my life was in writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on God. Really lettin’ God have it, all my genuine petty, childish, non-spiritual, angry, despairing judgments.

Then doing The Work on these thoughts…..is it really true that all “this” is a big mess, that this world, this life, is painful, stressful? That God didn’t answer my prayers when I was a child, or that God is aloof and distant?

Who would I be without the thought that something is amiss about life, that this is a tough place to be, this world?

Wow, at first I’d be confused. Blank. Then I continue to stay in question four, who would I be without these terrible thoughts about God or Reality?

Who would I be? I’d be excited. Open. Unafraid. Wondering.

Byron Katie says in A Thousand Names For Joy “the only time you suffer is when you believe a thought that argues with reality. You are the cause of your own suffering–but only all of it. There is no suffering in the world; there’s only an uninvestigated story that leads you to believe it. There is no suffering in the world that’s real. Isn’t that amazing!”

I have a big humongous story that there is lots of suffering in the world—I have found proof that it is true! Haven’t I? But can I really know that what I have thought of as bad is really BAD? For sure, the end, no doubt whatsoever? No. I can’t know absolutely.

Isn’t that amazing!!

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Batty 14 Year Olds!

Speaking of batty…

One of my favorite gurus is my 14 year old daughter. Fourteen going on ten. Or…fourteen going on 75.

The comments and moods and behaviors coming from that amazing being, appearing as my daughter, change and swerve right and left, up and down like the way a bat flies.

Hmmm, who does this remind me of? Gosh! It just seems so familiar!

Oh. Yeah. That would be ME.

The mind is incredibly fast, tricky, working hard to solve problems and prevent mishaps.

I have found it to be true, so far, that everything that causes stress ultimately leads to me believing “It’s possible that I’m not safe. I need to live. What matters most is my happiness.”

The absolutely fastest, lazer-speed, cut-to-the-core way to handle anxiety, stress, pain, fear, anger towards this incredible14 year old who I encounter every single day is The Work.

I notice that clients working with children often feel the worst about writing about these young people in their care.

We aren’t supposed to feel rage, fury, grief, horror or shock with children! Then we’re evil like the people in the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang from the town of Vulgaria where children are abhorred by the king and queen!

Here are some of the thoughts I have questioned in the past:

  • She shouldn’t raise her voice at me!
  • She should do what I say!
  • She should notice how messy her room is and clean it up!
  • If I suggest that we do something fun together and she says “I don’t like doing that!” it means she doesn’t want to spend time with me or doesn’t care about me.
  • I want her to like me
  • She should not oppose me!

Even though I see what a dictator I am, I do not shut down and say “I am a terrible mother” because I have these thoughts. Instead, I allow my judgmental mind to have its say. I let it jump around all over the place hissing and spitting out all the mean, vicious, goofy, bossy, controlling thoughts!

NOW, I can really question, with open attention, compassion. No one is wrong, no one is terrible. Let’s look together. All is well. This is just mind, thinking itself into a batty frenzy.

And now this same mind can answer some amazing questions, starting with Is It True?

I have found that answering these four questions on my daughter’s words and actions have made me laugh so hard at myself and my dictatorship…now, life is way funnier and way more fun.

Living with a 14 year old teenager is absolute heaven. I’m in the presence of an incredible spiritual teacher. Showing me true love.

If your child is one of your stressors….write down your Vulgaria Voice judgments and come join us in the telegroup that starts next Tuesday! Laughter may be closer than you think!

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No and Yes Both Good

Very recently I knew I needed to tell someone “no” and although I have done a lot of work on this, some anxiety followed. I even woke up in the morning thinking about how I had said No (I had written a letter) and imagining the response.

That person will be sooooo sad. They will be shocked. They will be surprised to learn that this is my answer. They will wonder why I didn’t say “no” before now. They will be embarrassed. They will discover how I withheld my feelings of “no” before I said it really straight up. They will judge me as unkind.

Oh the list goes on! All these terrible things that can happen for saying “no”!

Before I had this inquiry work, I avoided any situation where I would have to say No to someone. People who said “no” were bossy, mean, selfish, closed-minded, unwilling.
People who said “no” were harsh, powerful, thoughtless, and weren’t thinking of other peoples’ feelings enough. They were like Hitler! Big bossy, destructive and selfish!

Then there are the people who receive the “no”…. they also have a list of judgments!

People who receive a “no” are deflated, disappointed, sad, suicidal, confused, unhappy, angry, depressed, enraged, violent, hurt, hopeless…..or in worst case scenario, they are DEAD!

No wonder saying “no” was so terrible and difficult. I wanted to be a nice, kind, open-minded, thoughtful person. And I didn’t want to “make” someone else unhappy.

What an amazing thing to question that if I say no I’m only thinking of myself, and that this thinking of myself is a BAD THING.

Is it true that if I say “no” to someone and people get hurt, that this makes me BAD?

I find that the “no” comes welling up from inside of me. I have the feeling that it’s not right for me, what the person has requested. I can tell my answer is genuine and honest.
It doesn’t mean that tomorrow, I may have a different answer, but right now, I can tell the answer is “no”. I could have a “maybe” or a “yes” for other requests in my life.

Katie writes in A Thousand Names For Joy “I love the sweet movement and flavor of mind changing. I move as it moves, without an atom of resistance. It shifts like the wind. I say yes, because there is no reason to say no, and I say no very easily, too. No is as effortless as yes. I say whatever I know is true for me. It sometimes confuses people; they misunderstand, and they do what they need to do with it. And I am very clear that a no is as loving as a yes, because I am always saying yes to my integrity.”

Without thinking that someone might have stressful response to my “no” and this would be a bad thing (or mean that I am bad), then I am sooooo free to express what is a true answer for me to any request.

I am so different now as a parent, a partner, a friend than I once was. I used to even think that people shouldn’t even ask me for things if the answer is “no” for me. They shouldn’t even ask, because “they” were “making” me say No! Which was BAD.

Good people say Yes all the time. They are open, willing, smiling, nice, and people like them. Ha! Wow! What a fantastic thing to question.

After inquiry today, I feel so much peace. Saying No is beautiful. I have no idea what the next moment will bring. I just feel peace in the present. All is well.

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I Want To Be One of The Good Mothers

I’m still thinking about Mothers today. What a fantastic topic!

Before I had questioned my concepts about mothering and what it should look like, I was a young mother myself.

Trying to be a “good” mother before you’ve ever questioned any of your beliefs about motherhood can be sooooooooo painful.

Here are some of the standards I expected myself to follow:

  • I should have a low, calm voice at all times with my children (ha ha)
  • They should do what I ask
  • We are late
  • The house is too messy (they should be seeing the mess just as I see it)
  • I should love playing board games, or doing art
  • I need to cook good dinners
  • My children need to know I love them every minute of every hour

It’s so exhausting trying to be a “good” mother all the time.

I want to be one of the good ones! Please Please Please! The way I reacted when I believed this thought is I read every book I could get my hands on about parenting. I thought obsessively. I felt terrible if I did something “wrong”.

But there’s a whole other way of looking at what IS. That this reality of the way your mother was, and the way you are as a mother, is just right for your path in awareness and waking up.

Your mother is the PERFECT mother for you. Your awareness of where you are not measuring up as a mother yourself is your perfect entry point for questioning what a good mother should be.

“The world is perfect. As you question your mind, this becomes more and more obvious.  Mind changes, and as a result, the world changes.  A clear mind heals everything that needs to be healed.  It can never be fooled into believing that there is one speck out of order.”~ Byron Katie ~

This means not one speck is out of order when it comes to your mother. She offers up to you what needs to be healed, in your mind. Not one speck is out of order when it comes to your own mothering. Not one.

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Mothers!

A reader recently wrote me to ask if I could write something about my experience with doing The Work on Mothers.

The idea of MOTHER is so loaded with concepts that are stressful, you may have noticed!

We have such strong, broad ideas about what mothers are supposed to be when they are good mothers: kind, generous, loving, giving, gentle, caring, powerful, protective, playful, patient, resourceful, thoughtful, good communicators, evolving, aware.

Does any mother actually ever live up to the ideal image? I have had the thought that if I did The Work on only my own mother, that is all I would need to reach understanding with all relationships in this world.

Then with mothers who have a lot of the most “beautiful” qualities, there are even more concepts to question if you long for them now that you’re an adult, you want or need her, you miss her if she’s passed on.

Byron Katie has said that she did the Work on her own mother for three years. It doesn’t matter how often or what that looked like to me, somehow I love that she speaks of this time of questioning her beliefs about “mother” for a long time, on-going, continuing until it was done.

Katie says “the teacher you need is the person you’re living with”.  

The most amazing thing for me is realizing how many years I spent in first, adopting the beliefs that my mother innocently also adopted from her own life….and then blaming my mother for being herself.

And surely my life could have been better if my mother had been different!!

  • Mom should be kind and never get angry
  • Mom shouldn’t care too much about my feelings, that’s co-dependent
  • Mom does not communicate clearly
  • Mom gets into my business too often
  • Mom has too many opinions about food and health
  • Mom is too bossy
  • Mom is too apologetic

The list may seem long and endless for what you believe about your mother.

So many thoughts! How will I get through them all!??!

Just start with one. Think of the situation where you really believed the thought was true. Return to this situation over and over in your mind as you answer the four questions. See that scene in your mind, keep returning to it. It’s good to be facilitated so you stay on track.

The mind is tricky and it will love finding proof for your concept in other, different situations. Wait! But that other time, my mom was REALLY bossy, everyone would agree! If you only knew the story, this is what she did….

Stop!!! Go back to the first situation you thought of. Stay with THAT situation.

The mind loves to skip around like a flat pebble on a smooth lake. And mothers are a Big Lake full of concepts! Even if you didn’t have a mother around, there is a whole list of concepts about what’s wrong with her that she wasn’t there.

Just begin with one concept today. One simple concept that feels true and painful. You never know how questioning concepts about “mother” could bring incredible freedom into your present experience.

If your mother was a particularly difficult person and you notice you have a lot of beliefs about her and how that hurt, come along to the next relationships telecourse starting on Tuesdays. Bring your concepts about “mother”.

She is the perfect teacher for you, that mother that you have, whether still in your life or apparently never there—she’s in your mind!

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It’s My Fault

I was upset with myself recently and heard my mind say “you got yourself into this, it’s your fault”.

This can happen with big and small events, short and long conversations, big surprises, small surprises, accidents, the unexpected.

What a fantastic concept to question! “It is my fault”. Is that really true? What does that even mean?

It’s like the mind is getting fired up and it’s main focus is “let’s find out who is to blame…and by the way, this time it’s probably YOU!” And if someone is to blame, then they are BAD.

A fantastic meditation teacher and writer called Cheri Huber wrote a book called “There Is Nothing Wrong With You”. I’ve read it, like, 150 times. Seriously. It has big font and not many words on each page.

Imagine the last time you did or said something and then had the thought “that was my fault”.  Your version might be “I shouldn’t have said it that way, I could have prevented that outcome, I’m just not good at ______.” And some of us also start thinking about the other people involved, and how THEY could use some improvement as well of course. Always scanning for who did worse, who is the biggest jerk.

How does it feel in your body when you think it’s your fault? Heavy, depressing, low, thick, nauseated, jittery, aching, sleepy, crushing.

There you are, sitting in a chair, or walking along, or going about your day, and you keep thinking of that stupid thing you did or that your said. You start to think about how you could prevent it next time. You might think about ways you could “pay” for it and therefore feel better.

This is not a friendly belief. It produces tons of stress. Therefore, it is also not a true thought. Beliefs that are true feel peaceful, calm, simple, open. Notice how it also isn’t true that it’s someone else’s fault. That’s also very stressful.

I love sitting with who I would be, in these moments where I decided I was wrong and worthy of blame, without the belief that it was my fault? I don’t mean the kind of saying “it’s not MY fault!” like little kids say when they’re scared to death and they want it to be someone else’s fault.

Cheri Huber asks “Can you be lovable NOT meeting the standards? Can you stop trying to change into who you wish you were long enough to find out who you really are? You will never improve yourself enough to meet your standards.”

Wow! If I turn the painful belief around and look at this concept “there is no one to blame”!

Wait…what? But what about the pain, the difficulties of the world, the people who are hurting, the mental illness, addiction, cancer, disease, psychopaths, murderers, violence!?!

There has to be a reason for these, it has to be someone’s fault! If we don’t find out whose fault it is then terrible things will happen over and over again. I have to find out the root of the badness and pull it out!

News flash: I can’t find who is to blame. It seems easy if it’s me and I pop over to that idea a lot, but….really, who would I be without the thought that the bad stuff is someone’s fault?

Empty. Silent. Open. Vast. Expansive. Wondering. Free. More relaxed, not tight. Not against anything. Not sure. Not knowing. Mind without a job. Mind at rest.

“Beginning to wake up. Beginning to not take it personally. Beginning to see that life isn’t anyone’s fault. It just is and you jsut are, and it’s all just fine.”–Cheri Huber

Join the teleclass on Relationships starting in only 2 weeks! We’ll look at those people we tend to blame in our lives—we all do it–and question it together!

Love, Grace

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Those #*%$& People!!

When I began to do The Work, to simply question my beliefs using the 4 questions Byron Katie teaches, I couldn’t really get into the judgments and writing everything down.

But Katie says “let them have their voices”.

Boy, howdy! If you let them speak, they can be like the WORST meanest, nastiest, most vindictive, blaming, violent voices you’ve ever heard in your life. Once I began….look out!

Big grand statements, like:

  • that person is such a LOSER!
  • she is is DEVIL INCARNATED!
  • I HATE that guy, he shouldn’t even EXIST!
  • What a @%#^*&!

At first, when I really got into writing down my judgments, it’s almost like they couldn’t be mean, nasty or destructive enough. No words were really all that good to describe the bad other person I was holding in my mind.

But when you have your list in front of you of explicatives, swear words, grand sweeping statements…..you may pause and think a little more thoroughly about what else you really want to say, what else you really believe about this terrible, rotten person.

What do I really want, if I could say it and write it down? What do I really, really need that person to do? What do I need them to say? What would I recommend to them, how would I advise them, so they can improve themselves, or change…..so that I never have to be bothered by my experience with them again?

This is where the real juicy stuff lies. This is where I think “if they just changed their attitude, if they just calmed down, if they just relaxed, if they just had anger-managment training, if they just did The Work themselves….then they’d feel better or behave better”.

And I would benefit!!  I wouldn’t have to go through all this agony with this loser!

Oh. That’s right. If I wait for someone else to improve or change, if I dictate what I think they should do in their lives so that they are better off….I might wait a very long time.

I start back with me. Can I look at what I’m thinking about that mean, nasty person and see what it is I am truly afraid of that is inside of myself.

If I can’t get away from the list of swear words about the person, that’s a wonderful place to begin.

“She is a loser!” Is it true? YES! Can I absolutely know 100% without any doubts that the person I consider to be a loser is truly a loser at the core….with no good winning qualities of any kind. No…and it starts getting kind of ridiculous with the grand sweeping statements, they never really hold up.

Keep going with them anyway. You may discover a really interesting, specific place in the turnarounds, or a really liberating place in thinking about who you would be without the thought.

You are not bad just because you “resort” to swear words about someone else. Start there. It is only part of your mind, one of your voices coming out to the forefront, letting itself be heard.

That voice can do inquiry, too.

We start the journey of diving into these WORST THOUGHTS about other people in the teleclass “Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven” in only 2 weeks on Tuesdays! It’s a wonderful place to be heard, to let out those really nasty judgments, and then inquire. Click the link below to head over to the website if you want to register.

Love, Grace