When I began to do The Work, to simply question my beliefs using the 4 questions Byron Katie teaches, I couldn’t really get into the judgments and writing everything down.
But Katie says “let them have their voices”.
Boy, howdy! If you let them speak, they can be like the WORST meanest, nastiest, most vindictive, blaming, violent voices you’ve ever heard in your life. Once I began….look out!
Big grand statements, like:
- that person is such a LOSER!
- she is is DEVIL INCARNATED!
- I HATE that guy, he shouldn’t even EXIST!
- What a @%#^*&!
At first, when I really got into writing down my judgments, it’s almost like they couldn’t be mean, nasty or destructive enough. No words were really all that good to describe the bad other person I was holding in my mind.
But when you have your list in front of you of explicatives, swear words, grand sweeping statements…..you may pause and think a little more thoroughly about what else you really want to say, what else you really believe about this terrible, rotten person.
What do I really want, if I could say it and write it down? What do I really, really need that person to do? What do I need them to say? What would I recommend to them, how would I advise them, so they can improve themselves, or change…..so that I never have to be bothered by my experience with them again?
This is where the real juicy stuff lies. This is where I think “if they just changed their attitude, if they just calmed down, if they just relaxed, if they just had anger-managment training, if they just did The Work themselves….then they’d feel better or behave better”.
And I would benefit!! I wouldn’t have to go through all this agony with this loser!
Oh. That’s right. If I wait for someone else to improve or change, if I dictate what I think they should do in their lives so that they are better off….I might wait a very long time.
I start back with me. Can I look at what I’m thinking about that mean, nasty person and see what it is I am truly afraid of that is inside of myself.
If I can’t get away from the list of swear words about the person, that’s a wonderful place to begin.
“She is a loser!” Is it true? YES! Can I absolutely know 100% without any doubts that the person I consider to be a loser is truly a loser at the core….with no good winning qualities of any kind. No…and it starts getting kind of ridiculous with the grand sweeping statements, they never really hold up.
Keep going with them anyway. You may discover a really interesting, specific place in the turnarounds, or a really liberating place in thinking about who you would be without the thought.
You are not bad just because you “resort” to swear words about someone else. Start there. It is only part of your mind, one of your voices coming out to the forefront, letting itself be heard.
That voice can do inquiry, too.
We start the journey of diving into these WORST THOUGHTS about other people in the teleclass “Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven” in only 2 weeks on Tuesdays! It’s a wonderful place to be heard, to let out those really nasty judgments, and then inquire. Click the link below to head over to the website if you want to register.
Love, Grace