Category: Trouble With Food and Eating

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Shame & Guilt: looking closely instead of trying to rip them out

First Friday Inquiry Jam is tomorrow! 7:45-9:00 am Pacific Time. It’s for everyone, it’s free (donation if it feels right). You can listen-only through the Broadcast, or dial-in with phone or WebCall and have the opportunity to do The Work. We’ll start with me guiding you through filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Your sharing out loud, whether you’re in the hot seat doing The Work or listening, asking a question, offering an insight, is a beautiful way to connect us all together with this powerful process called self-inquiry. Join me HERE. If for any reason the dial-in or WebCall is full when you try to connect, join using the Broadcast feature.

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So later this very day, Thursday at 1:00 pm PT I’ll be over on facebook live, on video. I do this to answer questions and share some of the biggest topics we notice come up and create arguments with reality!

Today, I want to talk about shame and guilt, because it’s coming up right and left lately in my Year of Inquiry group, solo sessions with people, and of course in troubles with food and eating or other compulsions.

Shame feels so awful to experience, right?

Must get rid of it….ASAP!!

But like other emotions and feelings (anger, for example) it may be here for an important reason. I mean, feelings, including shame or guilt, exist in reality, right?

So instead of wanting to crush them or freak out if we feel shame, maybe we can wonder about the message it brings.

Shame feels awful, no doubt about it. Nauseated, horrified, self-attacking (Why did I DO that? What’s WRONG with me?) and secretive.

Shame seems to say “hide this and never, ever, ever let anyone know about it”.

But what if we turned towards the thing(s) we feel most ashamed of and looked at them more closely, accepting them as a message or important dynamic we need to understand?

A wonderful exercise offered by Byron Katie in her book “I Need Your Love–Is That True?” is to write down your most shameful experiences.

Ugh. I know. Gross. Do I have to?

Well, no one has to do anything….but to take a look at what you’re ashamed of can grow you up and open your mind in a way you might not have thought possible. So why not do it? It’s crushing and hard and depressing to keep the experience hidden, so bringing it out to the open fresh air may feel horrible to see as it lays there so ugly in the bright sunlight, but better than the alternative of continuing the way you’ve been going.

It doesn’t mean announce it on facebook.

You can find a trusted advisor to work with, someone who you know can work with shame with an open mind, too.

And if the trusted advisor is you (it is) then you can do it on your own–as long as you tap into the part of you willing to be accepting and open, no matter what.

Long ago, even when I stopped binge-eating and vomiting and over-exercising, I would NEVER want anyone to know I had been bulimic. It still feels like there’s an ever-so-slight worried feeling, like an old smell or sound that isn’t pleasant, as I think of sharing how I struggled with a decade of insane eating.

I used to think, at that time, I’d rather be a drug addict or an alcoholic because those sounded more rebellious and wild or Rebel-Without-A-Cause at least, not so ugly as stuffing your face or making yourself throw up in secret. I actually remember thinking I wish I was that kind of addict, because then I’d also fit in completely at AA meetings.

But that was not the way of it.

And the most important thing is not the overeating at all, but instead the inner workings of other events and ways of being I thought of as shameful.

I thought I should never be angry, selfish, rude, boisterous, bossy, grabby. I had so many “rules” about what I should behave like and what other people should also behave like, it was overwhelming to try to be my “best self” all the time.

I just wanted to be offline for once, to live freely without all those rules and regulations.

So a great place to begin your research into what ails you, what brings you to feeling shame, what your shame is telling you, is to simply write a list of what you’re most ashamed of.

I like to suggest writing only five. (Let’s not get carried away, OK?)

Then, you can begin to study these situations not as if you are the problem, but looking at it as if you are a part of a whole. Watching what thoughts you had running. What frightened you most, what upset you, what threatened you, or angered you?

What I know is, when you identify a person, place, thing, event that bothered you or deeply disturbed you in the past….

….and begin to investigate without freaking out….

….you may find a freedom you never thought possible.

It all begins with the question:

Is it true?

1:00 pm PT Facebook Live on shame today, for about 15 minutes. Ask questions (writing), listen, comment. Let’s talk about shame. https://www.facebook.com/WorkWithGrace/ If you can’t make it live, it’ll be there as a recording right afterwards.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: which comes first…hating yourself, or eating?

Many years ago, my eating wars grew so heavy and awful, I dropped out of college.

I actually shifted gears entirely, and began to do what was critical for my own well-being. Researching, attempting to understand, learning how to be honest and intimate with other people and with myself (it took awhile of practice), and questioning my beliefs

One of the most powerful beliefs I had?

I’m a terrible person, worthy of hatred.

I know that sounds strong, but it was that intense. I was horribly self-critical. I could do nothing right, especially when it came to food, eating, exercising and having a worthy body.

Later, I realized, the whole cycle of self-hatred and eating were intimately woven together.

I ate, so I would hate myself, so I would eat to soothe or have a small crumb of relief or pleasure, which would turn into more and more, so I would hate myself and starve and punish myself for the binge.

Nothing ever seemed peaceful or balanced when it came to eating.

Being in a hotel room reminded me of a night with myself long ago, in a hotel room, the night I dropped out of college.

Here’s what it was like for me, along with my biggest suggestion (stop hating yourself and start wondering what’s going on in a more kind, loving way):

M

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Eating Peace: If I Tell the Truth, They’ll Get Upset (So Let’s Eat Instead)!

Long ago, I was given a book called “What You Think of Me Is None of My Business”.

What an cool title.

And what a difficult thing to actually experience.

You mean….even if you knew me and you didn’t like what you saw, or felt, or knew about my thoughts, it’s none of my business? You mean, you can go on doing whatever you’re doing over there, and I don’t need to respond or pay attention to every nuance or tone of your voice? You mean, I don’t have to be hyper-alert to everything you do?

But! I’m worried about hurting your feelings, or you being mean to me, or you abandoning me! I’m worried about doing it wrong, or screwing up, or making a mistake.

In fact, I think it WILL be a mistake if you’re disturbed by something I say, do, feel, show, think.

So I better keep it on the low down! I better be very quiet, hide it, act like I’m nice even if I don’t feel nice.

Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’ll ACT like I’m fine, comfortable, non-judgmental….even if I am NOT fine, uncomfortable and very judgmental.

Ouch.

The thing is, when you try to hide the truth of what you’re honestly feeling and thinking, you will likely begin to feel like over-eating, or eating for comfort or distraction, rather than eating for fuel.

Which isn’t fun.

There may be a bump in the road to learn, and it’s called Being Honest.

Who would you be without the belief that you actually need to hide your true thoughts in order to be safe, secure, comfortable, or happy?

It’s not easy, but you may find, it’s worth it. Because when you tell the truth, without shame, and with the desire for connection and honesty with another….

….you’ll likely find you don’t want to eat for emotional reasons anymore.

THAT makes it worth it.

Watch here for insight on being yourself, in the presence of other people:

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Eating Peace: When you feel deep despair about this eating thing….consider this

Sometimes, we just feel like “death-warmed-over” as one of my grandmother’s used to say about depression, deep despair, discouragement.

Thoughts appear like: I’ve been at this sooooo long, this will never change, there is no solution, I can’t stop overeating, I’ll never be thin.

The sense is that peace is impossible, in this arena. Non-existent.

If you’ve had this kind of disappointment when it comes to finding eating peace, or body peace….or really, thinking peace….then consider this today:

All is not lost.

You are alive, you are still aware, conscious, and able.

Beneath, or behind, or greater than your stressful, emotional, disturbing thoughts about food, eating, weight or appearance….

….there is a realm beyond thought.

Are you sure peace is not possible, today, for you? Are you sure you can’t stop eating, or that you already don’t? Are you sure something’s missing that’s not here and should be? Are you sure peace is someplace in another time, a future, the past…but not here?

Who would you be without this story?

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Eating Peace: You need a plan…but are you sure you need THAT kind of plan?

It can feel like such a relief to know what to expect.

Perhaps you’re about to visit a new country, and you’ve read tons of books and talked to many people about how to navigate and have the best time when you’re there.

Planning can be fun.

But are you planning, organizing, analyzing, gathering data, or mapping things out so you can Not Be Scared?

I used to notice that going on a diet (the plan to do it, at least) would provide some relief for sure. I’ll get this thing under control. I’ll handle, or manage, this situation and no longer be whacko when it comes to food.

This can happen with far more than only food and eating issues.

I’ll get this particular thing together and squared away, and I’ll be OK. I don’t care if I suffer, or if it hurts. I’ll start x and stop y.

But what if you could relax with not knowing what’s next, or what will happen tomorrow, or how this whole thing unfolds? What if you could come back to right now, today, and see if what you’re looking for….or even relief, peace, quiet, gentleness, and love are all here in this moment.

Without having to know anything about what’s going on tomorrow.

Here I share what it’s like to inquire into the stressful thought “I need to know….”

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Eating Peace: Will your eating cause disease or early death? Are you sure?

Lack of eating peace comes along with more places than trying to be thin, have you noticed?

Sometimes, people experience great stress with eating that has nothing to do with thinness….but instead contains anxiety about perfect health, or longevity, or cancer prevention.

It’s no way to live, with such stress about certain foods, and the dictate to eat broccoli constantly, so you’re safe, and healthy!

(Although I do love broccoli, but let’s not get carried away).

Today, I offer you an interesting exercise that you might think is taking things a little too far: looking at the worst that could happen.

What is it (in your opinion)?

What are you most afraid of?

What pictures come to mind when you believe you need to prevent that future dreadful image of The Worst?

Watch here, and let me know how it goes to see who you’d be without your stressful story of eating and health.

By the way, I mention a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet in this video. You can download one for yourself right HERE.

Much love, Grace

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Two weekend workshops + the peace of dropping your schemes

Two quick announcements for this wonderful welcoming spring weekend:

1) East West Bookstore The Work with Grace on Body, Eating, Compulsion 6407 – 12th Avenue NE in Seattle, Washington on Saturday 3-6 pm March 18 (that’s tomorrow) for only $25! Come learn the three biggest underlying beliefs people have that keep them battling with food, eating or their body image and weight….and how to address these very deep beliefs with The Work of Byron Katie.

Anyone is welcome who is interested in addressing mindset, thought, awareness and the psychology of eating or compulsion. This work will actually apply to anyone battling an addictive process, including other substances or behaviors. We’ll be going into the root of the compulsive experience, so please join if you’re curious about freedom from obsessive thinking that leads to compulsion of any kind.

What we will NOT be covering is diet, fitness, nutrition or exercise. This is working from the inside out.

Everyone will get to identify where they sabotage their own desires, efforts and “goals” for eating peacefully, and see what’s really happening in those moments that prevent eating peace.

You’ll then get to do The Work, questioning your negative or stressful beliefs, that lead you to move with confusion or frustration around eating or weight. Everyone will leave with the next steps, so you’ll know how to keep questioning and relaxing your thoughts in your daily life.

Beginners are welcome, but it’s great if you know what The Work of Byron Katie is, so look it up on youtube or at www.thework.com and it really helps to read the Little Book (condensed version of Loving What Is, the manual for doing The Work) by Byron Katie.

2) Living Turnarounds Private Group. Sunday, March 19th we’ll be meeting again from 3-6 pm. This group is limited to 8 participants and everyone should be familiar with The Work to at least an Advanced Beginner level. We get to deep dive into one powerful worksheet on a situation in our lives we want to learn from, take it to inquiry, and share in insights with others.

Always a profound opportunity to share, connect, hear from others, and collaborate in understanding how to take our personal work to out into our lives. We spend some beautiful time considering how we’ll live our turnarounds, if we need to make amends (including to ourselves) and understanding how we want to really feel in our bodies, in our lives, in our relationship in the one area we “work” for this mini-retreat.

Living Turnarounds Group meets at Goldilocks Cottage (Grace’s home) in northeast Seattle ($65). Please send a note to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’ve never attended before and would like to join us. Room for 3 more people this month.

Much love,

Grace

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What if you dropped the thought you need to lose weight (GASP)!?

If you live far away or can’t attend this in-person workshop, I’ve had lots of requests for an online mini-retreat in Eating Peace. These are generally a modest fee, and 3 hours online (audio only). If you’ve never done something online for 3 hours….you’ll probably be amazed at how the time flies. You can set it up for yourself from your own home and create uninterrupted time for yourself.

I’m taking a poll for your favorite option. Head HERE if you’d like to vote.

One of the biggest, grandest, big-behemoth stressful thoughts that lead to stressful eating?

I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!!

This can be a constant thought, returning every time you gain weight or are at your “highest” weight or on the upside of the roller coaster ride, or when you see yourself in the mirror randomly and you normally don’t even think this thought.

It’s very stressful.

The thing is, we think we NEED this thought in order to be inspired or motivated to be thin. We think we have to be aggressive and intense with our minds.

How could we possibly give up this thought? How could we give up the thought we need to fix something, anything…whether weight or some kind of behavior around health and the body. I need to exercise, I need to eat healthy, I need to read every label, I need to do it right, I absolutely must appear “thin”.

It’s true! It’s true!

But what if you allowed that thought to settle down a moment and you didn’t have it?

What many people find, is a little more to look at.

Wow…what if I gave this up? Then what? I notice I still want to be more balanced, more peaceful with eating and food and this body.

What if it’s my thinking that needs to lose weight….especially about this whole weight loss thing?

If I had taken weight loss and thinness less seriously when I was 8 years old (the first time I was alarmed that I might be too fat) I might not have even moved in the direction I moved.

I may not have even developed an eating disorder or a yo-yo eating plan, or starvation vs stuffed. Although, I am now incredibly and deeply grateful for having that disorder because it was so extreme, it brought me to my knees which ultimately was an incredible give of letting go of control.

What a painful story it is to need to lose weight….but if you find yourself thinking it, you might begin to wonder why you have it so strongly?

What would you have, if you had this lower weight? What would it give you? What is your identity saying is required, for happiness?

If you were given the choice to have peaceful, simple, beautiful, loving eating for the rest of your life….with zero weight loss….would you take it?

If you say “no” then you might want to dig a little deeper into why you believe you need to keep this suffering. Just saying.

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace: Violent Thinking Tries to Make You Change, But The Result? More Violence.

Seattle workshop: Eating Peace rare 3 hour mini-retreat on how to question your thinking, to change the way you eat (and think) at East West Books in Seattle, March 18th 3-6 pm only $25. Please pre-register here.

Speaking of the way we think….most people with compulsions and addictive behavior, or self-defeating mannerisms of any kind like overeating, binge-eating, body image criticism, or emotional eating…experience mean thinking towards themselves.

We’ve all got judgmental and harsh voices that comment about what we’re doing.

But when this voice gets really intense, like a dictator ordering you around in a concentration camp, then you’re at war.

It’s understandable. We often believe in violence. It even works a little bit. Violent behavior leads to something happening which forces change. But it’s not permanent, and there’s a ton of loss when there’s war.

The thing is, you don’t have to attack and hate yourself in order to elicit or bring change to your ways with food, eating and your body.

In fact, what I always found, is that it increased my binge-eating or weight gain, it fueled sadness and despair and a feeling of failure, and it made things worse in the long run.

People who stop believing in their violent thinking towards themselves no longer eat violently, or diet violently with deprivation and intense control.

Try letting go of this mean voice instead, by questioning if it’s really true, and turning it around!

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Eating Peace: Ending Crazy with eating can happen any moment, even now…and the timing is not really up to you

Sometimes, when you want it to be another way….not the way it is….the sense of discouragement is awful.

I’ll never get there.

I can’t do this.

Nothing ever works.

I’ll be an overeater or a binge-eater forever.

I’ll never be a thin person.

I give up.

But can you really know that it’s true that you aren’t on a path to peace? To liberation?

You’re here, reading this, aren’t you?

Who would you be without the story that this learning process, or un-learning process, is taking too long? Who would you be without your stressful beliefs about yourself, and what a compulsive person you are, or how difficult your mind or your thoughts are to deal with?

Who would you be, right here in this moment, without the belief this situation is never going to be ideal, or over?

Recently an eating peace inquirer was saying she feels she’s made progress with losing her diet mentality (on the wagon, off the wagon type thinking), but wants to lose more weight.

As she continues investigating her thoughts, and even looking very specifically at what she’s eating and what she might tone down or reduce, without deprivation, I know she’ll find new awareness.

At one point in my journey of healing, I remember thinking I would never ever be over this horrible binge-eating problem. But then, as I connected with mentors, went into group therapy, learned to talk with people very honestly, risked being myself very naturally (the best I could at the time) and committed deeply to a life of peace and freedom….

….I noticed I returned again, even after a binge or turmoiled eating, to feeling open to studying what happened, and a willingness to stop being so terrified of change.

I’d also find calm again. I was never at the peak of horrible stuffing in of food all day, every day. Good to notice.

One day, I realized it had been awhile since my last restriction/self-starvation day and my last binge-eating day. The gaps got bigger between episodes, between the stress or isolation.

They got bigger, and wider, and bigger and wider and then one day, I knew I could promise to myself at the deepest level “I will never binge again” and know it was true. Even if I had the urge, or felt fear, I just knew I wouldn’t.

It was nothing like all the previous promises to stay on the diet or control myself or use willpower to force any cravings underground.

This was more like a knowing, a commitment, a depth of certainty that I didn’t have to follow any craving, or act on it, or be so threatened by anything in my life that the only option was to eat.

Watch today as I speak about this idea of being “done” with the obsession, and share a poem I remembered from just about the time of my very last binge (it was written in 1988).

Seattle workshop: Eating Peace rare 3 hour mini-retreat on How to do The Work of Byron Katie on eating, weight, body image and cravings at East West Books in Seattle, March 18th 3-6 pm only $25. Please pre-register here.

 

Much love,

Grace