Events – Page 8 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

April 4, 2016

What to do about the annoying victim on the couch (+ Breitenbush scoop)

Breitenbush Pool — Soak in Inquiry and Hotsprings at Breitenbush June 22-26, 2016

It’s time!

BREITENBUSH time! I just found out today that registration is well underway and we’re filling, including two men already (sometimes I get the question, how many men are attending)? It’s an absolutely lovely group.

Breitenbush is in the lush old-growth forest of Oregon in the most glorious fairyland you’ve ever seen. A place for mind, body, spirit renewal…the dining hall serves three amazing vegetarian organic meals per day, there are mineral hotsprings and sauna for soaking, and you have your choice for accommodations including adorable little warm cabins. June 22-26, 2016.

An incredible time for identifying what’s going on within you that you find disturbing, where your stressful thoughts come from, and learning and practicing the powerful four questions known as The Work of Byron Katie.

Our retreat is called Declare Peace, and my wonderful assistant and friend Susan Beekman brings her big heart, clarity, and long-time experience in facilitation of The Work to our group. Limited to 26 people, and we do sell out. Make your reservations soon to get the best sleeping arrangement. Come soak in inquiry…and peace.

24 Credits for Candidates in Institute for The Work, 26 CEUs for mental health professionals (Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work). Forward this to friends. Would so love to meet you!

(Secret surprise….everyone who comes to Breitenbush gets free access to Summer Camp for The Mind, the follow-up online camp of five calls per week, you can dial-in any time and keep on doing The Work July and August).

*************

What a victim.

Seriously.

Did you hear him say that?

I was having a conversation, on the inside of my own head, about one of my first clients when I first started out.

This client had one complaint after another. My terrible childhood. My horrible ex-wife. That awful accident. That ridiculous family growing up.

All the reasons why he screwed up and failed and can’t get a job, or can’t support his kids, or can’t quit smoking, and why he was an alcoholic for many years.

He’s such a victim.

Yeah, I agree 100%.

Refer him to someone else.

No kidding, he’s outta here. I am never meeting with this guy again!

My mind was already chattering away based on about three hours of being with him (three sessions), declaring that his perception of being alive was like a theater on 1^st avenue downtown….

….All Victim All of The Time! Victims Come On In–Open 24 Hours Day Or Night! Nobody Loves Me! Nobody Cares About Me!

Ew.

Can’t he see how sorry he feels for himself, like he’s missed out when all these other people got the breaks?

I especially love the victim story of how he got accepted to Yale but his parents wouldn’t pay tuition, and he would have been classmates with “x” famous person.

And how his former wife created real war against him.

Such a shame, shame, shame, such a shame.

That’s his trumpet call….or maybe the oboe or the cello is more like it. Oh wait. The violin, that’s right.

But while this energy began to rise, sitting in his presence….listening….I also had another voice.

And I’m not talking about the voice that says what a mean, nasty person I am for being so harsh and presuming to know what’s best for this guy (he should stop being such a victim! duh!) or that I’m so horrible and un-spiritual and holier-than-thou and I should be more forgiving to this person and all sentient beings and stop being such an ass.

No. Not that voice. Not the Spiritual Advisor Voice.

Those two used to fight it out all the time. Getting nowhere, I might add. (You may have noticed this within yourself).

This was a new voice, a new sort of energy.

It had the feel of….

.….“Hey, do you notice how annoyed you’re getting with this man? This is worthy of inquiry. This is one of those places to look. Feel it. Find out what’s going on. Listen, listen. Don’t give up so quick about ever seeing him again.”

I remembered how some people I had thought of as the biggest victims in the world, who had really dreadful stories they could keep beefing up forever, surprised me with their wisdom and insight after doing The Work.

Or, not even that. They didn’t “need” to do The Work….they could be themselves and NEVER do The Work if they didn’t want to, and they showed me something unique and interesting. A wall I hit up against. A closet I needed to open.

So I remembered, for some weird reason that was not planned and not expected and I wasn’t “trying” to be “good” in my thoughts (thank God almighty) to be there with him, without my story.

Like a whisper.

Who would you be without your story right now, as you’re looking into this person’s eyes and sitting with them and watching them try to express how hurt they are, and how disappointed, and how full of despair and how hard it is to have the world done them wrong, and what a mess it all is?

What if I didn’t know why this guy was here, wanting to do The Work with me, but I assumed it was GOOD that he was here, with me…..FOR ME?

Wow. Yikes.

Interesting.

It didn’t mean I have to invite him to stay longer than an hour, or come back next week for that matter. Or ever see him again.

“Let’s slow down, and look at what you’re thinking here” I said.

“Let’s look at one single thought only, in one moment in time, in just one situation you’ve mentioned.”

He looked up, as if out of a trance.

“OK.”

He stopped talking. I suggested he look down at his worksheet and fill it out. He was sitting there with a blank worksheet, and 15 minutes had already passed into the hour-long session.

Now, it was dead quiet for a few minutes, while he scratched away with a pencil.

Later, I filled out my own worksheet on him, going backwards into that moment when I felt like I couldn’t stand another whiney comment.

“He should stop being such a bloody victim.”

Is it true?

Yes. Yes. Yes. I hated that energy, that story. So sticky, so needy, so addictive. Everyone else’s fault.

Can you absolutely know it’s true he should stop being such a victim?

Can you absolutely know he IS a victim?

Oh.

Wait.

You mean….he might not be a victim? Well, that’s crazy. Did you hear his stories?

I took a deep breath.

I suddenly noticed something profound. I had joined in believing almost instantly that he WAS a victim, and he should therefore stop.

I could only assume he should stop being that victim over there if I assumed he actually was.

Was he?

Could I absolutely KNOW it?

Yikes….but did you hear the highlights of his life, his tone, his attitude, his powerlessness, his……

No. Even though he was practically trying to convince me (and it basically worked, I realized, for awhile) I did not KNOW for sure he was a victim.

How do I react when I believe he’s a victim, or anyone is?

Strangely, I want to attack that person. Like I actually want to smack them away from me.

Sitting more deeply with this reaction….it’s a fear. I feel myself getting sucked into the story, I want to resist, I don’t like this dark story, I don’t like the river of They Did It To Me, or Life Is A Bitch.

I want to kill that story, like they say in the newspapers.

So who would I be without this thought that he’s a victim, and he should stop?

Wow.

It feels a little detached. Is this OK?

It feels like a gulp of grief in the throat, but a knowing where this is all going is actually very mysterious and very unknown. I might even hear what he’s saying and know he is a life force sitting here with me, right across from me, sharing this air and space and time and moment, just the way the floor, the carpet, the clock on the wall, the bookcase, and the doorknob are sharing this space in this moment.

Who would I be without the belief he’s had it bad? (And, it’s OK to imagine this thought, I’m not betraying his story or making it wrong that he’s telling it).

I’d be with him the same way I can be with the flower on the table.

Sort of in awe at how strange, how pretty, how unknown this living thing is, and feeling it alive with me fully in this moment….knowing it will also be gone soon, and this is the Way Of It.

Without the belief in Victimhood, and how it should be avoided (ha ha) I notice how we made it this far, both he and I. No idea what’s going on. But we’re sitting together. Here. That’s it.

What’s the opposite? What’s the turnaround?

He’s not a victim, and he shouldn’t stop being what he is, either.

Kinda funny, right?

Let’s look.

He is not a victim. He’s powerful, he’s life, he’s a creature, he’s sitting there making noise called “words” and “talking”. Why not? It’s a free country!

(I see a lightening flash image of a kid in my fourth grade class joking around. His white teeth bright as he smiles and laughs, running away towards the ball….”it’s a free country!!” and we’re all laughing, some kids shouting protests, everyone set loose with the joy of playing).

He should be exactly the way he is, in that moment.

I shouldn’t be a victim, not of his story (thinking I need to brace against his words like they could bother me), and not of my own version of the world and my Bad Stuff Happens view I get into if you give me just a teensy reason to worry (it doesn’t take much).

Why should he be as he is?

Well, it appears people go through rough events, to say the least, in this world. He’s reporting about his experience on the front line.

Grieving about these events is powerful. It helps them be expressed and moved through. We all know the “keep it to yourself” story doesn’t work so good. It often leads to suppression, addiction, ticks.

Why should this man be as he is FOR ME, the one apparently playing the facilitator role in that moment?

Because I got this amazing chance to question Victim-ness, in someone sitting across from me.

The most amazing turnaround is that he shows me….myself.

What I’m against. What I think I can’t handle.

Can I allow him to be just as full of complaints as he is? Why not?

Can I allow myself to be just as full of my complaints as I am?

Doesn’t that feel lighter and easier and less controlled?

Ha ha. Yes!

“What happens when we drop all the labels, all the learned descriptions, and face the raw energy of life, as it is in this moment, without trying to change, escape from, or cling to it? What happens when we drop all descriptions of what this moment is or is not and deeply feel into present sensations? This is where the real adventure of life begins…..It is the falling away of all ideas of how this moment should be.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

This moment (the one back then) should have included a man telling me a long story of his own powerlessness, suffering, and how it wasn’t his fault.

As he reported about his life, I felt my own resistance and instead of attacking it, or him, or me….I did The Work.

Isn’t what I always wanted was to have moments where my ideas would fall away of what someone else (and what I) should be like? Isn’t facing the raw energy of life, this client and the whole scene that went with it, a pretty easy way to drop labels and stories?

Thanks, client, for being just irritating enough that I had to go on the inner adventure I really wanted. It’s called Laughter and Gratitude.

Nice.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Got someone who bugs you? Retreat is an amazing place to turn it around with inquiry, silence, looking, and sharing with others. Come to Breitenbush in Oregon, or the 3 Day spring retreat in Seattle. Breitenbush is on early-bird special until May 1 (an amazing $100 off for $395 for 4 nights plus meals and lodging) andspring retreat is $395 for 3 full days in Seattle (no extra fees). This is a blast. The best kind.

Where the real adventure of life begins. A questioned mind.

February 28, 2016

Leaping Into Heaven…Special Leap Day Ways to Do The Work

leapyearspecial Have you been wanting to enter the deep place within where you can see your stress or anxiety, look at it with eyes open….

….and turn your thinking around?

In honor of LEAP day (my favorite!)….let’s leap into The Work.

What’s your top repetitive stressful scenario you deal with in your life?

Some people answer this question with “my relationship!”

They’re talking about a primary person they’re coupled with in their lives, or the one they’re dating, or the one they divorced!

Other people answer this question with “money!”

Maybe a source of stressful thinking in your life is through other people close to you at work, in your family, your kids, your friends.

One of my greatest sources of suffering was my eating, body image, lack of confidence, feeling undeserving, being addicted to fear and negativity.

All of us sometimes feel anxiety, irritation, anger, sadness, or fear.

Those feelings are our inner compass.

They’re the key that says “Hello? Hello? Tension is here! You might want to slow down, see what’s really going on, and question what you’re thinking!”

Even though all these feelings are so uncomfortable, they’re awesome for pointing to what wants to be investigated.

So….good, if you feel some stress.

You’re not broken. You’re a human being with a Thought Detector (known as Feelings).

There is nothing like doing The Work for doing this investigation, at least for me (and for so many people I’ve worked with).

It’s four questions, followed by finding the “turnarounds”.

They take a little time, maybe 20 minutes.

It’s a practice, like meditation, or relaxation.

Sometimes I’ve said “but I don’t have the time, I don’t want to slow down, I don’t want to answer questions” and yet, every single time I have done so, my life has changed just a wee bit.

Or done a 180.

Complete. Turnaround.

Happy about the divorce, instead of terrified. Curious about the cancer, instead of an anxious wreck. Full of wonder about the new possibilities, instead of angry about getting fired. Relaxed about the person I’m connected to, instead of annoyed.

Safe. Inspired. Open.

In honor of this wonderful Leap Year February 29th which won’t happen for another four years….I’m opening up some options for you for guidance in The Work and this powerful form of self-inquiry that leads to awareness, and peace.

It’s only if you need a kick-starter.

I sure did.

When I first read Loving What Is, I sat down on my couch in my living room while my kids were occupied with blocks and books for awhile.

I leafed through the pages.

OK, I thought. I get it. Now I need to try it.

I answered the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, that first step where you get to identify what you’re actually thinking without it whizzing by so fast, like a speeding bullet.

The worksheet said “Judge Your Neighbor” so I judged my neighbor. She was a little irritating, now that I thought about it.

I look back and I think to myself….really?

That’s all I could come up with?

I had a mountain of past suffering, pain, tension, grief and shock that were all running my life and very un-investigated at the time. Even though I had been in therapy. Even though I had come a long way, and was very stable and no longer suffering from an eating disorder or addictive behaviors like smoking.

It took a lot of guidance, and attending Byron Katie’s 9-Day School for me to actually buckle down and DO The Work. Until then, I was a great avoider.

After I actually questioned my beliefs, I found out it wasn’t so horrible to see them, and take them through the process of The Work.

I wasn’t so afraid of what I thought anymore.

But it took people helping me, facilitating me, for me to get there. I couldn’t have done it alone.

If you find you’re stuck-ish, or not getting to the heart of the matter with your inquiry, or persistently struggling and anxious, then maybe you’d like to try a different approach with The Work and join a class, do some one-on-one sessions, or come to retreat.

So that’s where Day of Leap comes in.

I wanted to do something special just for today, and only for today.

I’m offering a set of options. See if any one of them appeals to you if you’re wanting more clarity around your exploration of what youthink that brings on stress in your life.

This work is about how to turn what you’re thinking around and find peace in its place, new ways of thinking about your difficult situation, and brand new possibilities.

See if something here is right for you.

It’s my honor to serve you in this amazing, lazer-sharp work that has changed so many peoples’ lives for the better, including mine.

Here’s what’s on the menu:

Let’s Do The Work on Not Getting What We Desire:TeleRetreat Sunday March 6 8:30 – 11:00 am PT $37

Intro Foundation of Eating Peace Teleclass: Six Weeks of Exercises and Inquiry to help you question and shift your inner overeater. Fridays, March 4 – April 8, 2-3:30 pm PT $197

One month Eating Peace In-Person Group to identify and question what fuels crazy eating or thinking about food. Seattle Mondays March 21 – April 11 7:00 – 9:00 pm. $197

Four Individual Sessions for $375 Skype, Phone or In-Person

Special Solo Retreat: In person or via skype/phone. We spend three hours together on your work, we have time for questions, reflection, talking about your work, you create a map for your living turnaround. $197.

Spring Retreat May 15-17 Leap Day Special $325. Three Full Days of The Work on Your Stressful Situations and Finding The Living Turnarounds! For people with some experience in The Work. North Seattle Kenmore Lodge.

These special leaping-in rates….in honor of LEAPING….will only be available until tonight at midnight.

Use this unique link to sign up for your choice of leaping in.

Click Here To Leap Into The Work

Click the link above to head over to my website
Click the Buy Now button at the top
Once you’re in the paypal page, enter the amount of your program in the “Item Price” box and click Update
Complete your payment (if you are using a credit card, follow the link that says “Don’t have a paypal account?” even if you do)
Send me a personal email confirming you’ve signed up (so we don’t miss anything!) at grace@workwithgrace.com
I’ll send you all the details including possibilities for scheduling, and instructions for dialing in if you’re joining the Desire Tele-Retreat or the Eating Peace Teleclass.

Can’t wait to spend this powerful and sacred time together.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

February 22, 2016

Meeting together for meetup or retreat….to uncover your suffering and question it

If you're feeling alone, find group support — If you’re feeling alone, find group support

To celebrate leap year, I’m offering an early-bird special fee for the upcoming Spring Retreat in The Work in Seattle on May 13-15 (including all day Friday starting at 9:30 am). If you register by next Monday Leap Day February 29th, it’s $325 (you save $70). Click HERE to register.

Write me separately to reserve a room in the lodge (two left) for only $50 per night.

And, if you’d like to get a sense of this work of self-inquiry and un-raveling stressful thinking in your life, especially the way stress leads to compulsive behavior like eating, then onight I’m opening up my home for a new meetup called Eating Peace (which is a drop-in group for only $10 donation).

We’ll take a look at beliefs that drive compulsive reaching for food (or anything, really) and use self-inquiry to explore what’s going on in that stressful moment.

I had the thought….how can this topic be covered in two hours?

With people who have a full range of experiences, all of which may be completely different?

It’s difficult to hold still, and see what’s happening, when you’re used to popping something in your mouth when you feel bored, confused, angry, nervous, you’re around other people, or you feel uncomfortable in some way and the call of eating (or other behavior) is so strong.

But we’ll dive in, identify some of what we’re thinking, and investigate.

Often the very first place we start, when we’re looking at behavior we don’t like….

….is pretty vicious:

there is something wrong with me
I should be completely different (thin, calm, peaceful, sober)
I can’t stop (compulsively eating sugar, drinking caffeine, spending, watching videos, drinking alcohol)
the thing I repeatedly want will make me feel better

We can take anything through inquiry, exploring what’s actually true, questioning the line of thinking.

Is it true that reaching for that thing will make you feel better?

Is it true you can’t tolerate feeling bad right now (before you take a bite, or do the thing)?

Are you sure there’s something wrong with you?

Are you really not able to stop?

For me….I keep finding the answer to be “no”.

How do you react when you believe any of these thoughts?

Ugh.

Drowning in the movement of compulsion. Trying hard to fix myself. Making plans to change, and this might even include “get enlightened”.

Anything but be here now, in all my imperfections and troubles.

So here’s the profound question that can sometimes be pondered for days:

Who would you be without your story?

Who would you be if there was nothing wrong with you, you shouldn’t be any different than you are? Without thinking you can’t stop doing what you’re doing, or that the thing you reach for makes you feel better?

Wow.

It seems like reading books and spiritual teachings makes me feel better. It seems like drinking coffee makes me feel better. It seems like doing “x” makes me feel better.

But what if you didn’t have that thought?

I notice, anything I’ve ever thought that’s outside of myself that makes me feel better….only does for a temporary amount of time.

It never really supplies a wonderful, fabulous feeling, or a peaceful feeling. Not completely, not permanently, not with full satisfaction.

So what to do?

Notice what you don’t like, right now, that’s happening. Notice what you don’t like feeling. Notice what frightens you, makes you sad.

Take these thoughts (and feelings) as a practice, through self-inquiry.

It’s not easy.

I myself would sometimes like a temporary, short, easy activity to end my boredom, or anxiety, or sadness.

It never does in the long run.

If you’re not sure where to begin, start to write in your journal what you’re upset about in your current condition, situation, life circumstance. Write about what you find disturbing.

Then….you can do The Work!

Join me if you’d like support at a retreat or meetup. There’s nothing like gathering together with others to give you the freedom to inquire, notice, slow down, feel the help available to you, personally.

I couldn’t have started out all alone….and being with others never stopped!

When I can’t seem to do it myself, the presence of others brings it all home, once again.

One week of special early bird sign-up for spring retreat in northeast Seattle. We’ll have an awesome time.

Much love, Grace

February 16, 2016

Money, Abundance, Desire…Your Soul’s Work

Desire and Abundance...Do The Work, Clear The Way (March 18-20 weekend retreat Seattle) — Desire and Abundance…Do The Work, Clear The Way (March 18-20 weekend retreat Seattle)

The other day I got a quick chat message on skype….

….”Hey, you got time to do The Work for a sec?”

It was from someone I didn’t know or recognize.

Just like when I first started out in my business, I paused a moment to double-check if I missed anything in the short communication.

Nope.

Pretty short and sweet.

My thoughts start wondering, though.

Do they know what doing The Work is?

(It seems like not).

Do they know what “for a sec” means, or looks like?

It sounds super casual and friendly, like something someone might say who wants immediate attention, and probably is not looking to set up a session for hire, which is what I do for a living.

It’s a funny business I’m in, I sometimes muse.

That question for me would be the very same as asking a therapist….

….Hey, have you got a sec for me to run a few psychological issues by you and I can get your opinion….real quick? And I don’t want an actual therapy session or anything.

As always, so I don’t assume, I wrote back and asked….did you want to make an appointment? I gave my normal fee amount ($125), and just between you and me, I am an incredibly flexible person when it comes to payment if you truly need my time and energy and attention and you are honoring and respecting this, but you genuinely don’t have the normal fee.

(I’ve been told, too flexible–lesson learned).

Sure enough, this person wrote back: Oh wow! I didn’t know you charged for facilitating! Nevermind.

This is hilarious!

But the part I love about it is, it wasn’t the first person to ever do this.

Some people appear to think I’m simply open for calls, volunteering my time (which I do on the Helpline for The Work, two hours a month) or that I can call them back to have long conversations about how to do The Work.

This is a truly brilliant situation for me for finding small, slightly stressful or irritable thoughts about money and business and making a living and charging or asking for fees.

It will bring out all your true thoughts about money, and your possible love-hate relationship with it.

Uh, that would be MY love-hate relationship with it.

And this is perfect, right now, because I’m in the middle of running the eight week money course I love to teach (I love to learn)!

He shouldn’t assume I work for free or that I’m here only for volunteer service
She shouldn’t always show up late and go over time in our sessions and pay her bill late
Does he think I have no appointment calendar?
What does she think I do all day?
They don’t think my time is precious!
They don’t respect the huge investment made in training in The Work and human behavior (my master’s degree)
REALLY?

Ha ha, I’m laughing already, but let’s take a look.

You might be able to find this, even if you don’t charge money for anything. Maybe you feel this way about what you’re paid at your job and the raise you didn’t get, or what someone offered you once when you sold your car.

I’m not respected! Or there is something seriously OFF about them!

Is this story true?

Yes!

I mean….what are they thinking? How could they assume this?

But can you absolutely know this is true?

No. I really can’t know.

How do you react when you believe they are either insulting you, or they are missing a card in the deck if you know what I mean?

Wow….I start wondering if there’s some kind of vibe I put off that says “will work for anything” like I’m holding a piece of cardboard next to the freeway.

I start thinking I’m too nice….like my 8th grade teacher said. I don’t stick up for myself. I give off “kick me” or “I don’t matter” energy. I’m not good at boundaries. I don’t say “no” well.

I’m a loser. I’m bad with money. This proves it.

I treat that other person like they must be also a loser with money.

They don’t respect an independent professional, or someone running a small business, or the time and commitment of other people (OK, of me).

Oy.

It’s very stressful. It’s embarrassing. I feel childish, on top of it all.

So who would I be without this story of being used, or disrespected, or that someone’s asking too much for too little in exchange?

Who would I be without my story as I read the incoming simple question?

How would I feel? What would I say? What would I do?

I’d do exactly the same thing I already did….

….write a simple email back….

….without all the horrible dark thoughts of angst, self-criticism, attack, upset, disappointment, discouragement, or heavy meaning.

The moment would be soooo efficient, it would be mind-blowingly simple.

Did you want to set up a session? No.

Done.

My niceness, kindness, care, attention doesn’t have to have anything to do with the money exchanging hands.

What’s true is, I charge for my time. I have a business. Apparently, I need to earn money in order to be able to buy food and pay for my house, clothing, transportation.

Seriously, I don’t have other money available for my basic expenses.

In the world of infinite possibilities of what we can do, this is the one I finally have done more than any other profession or job….and I’m not sure “I” went with it, by the way….but it’s the thing I do and I trade this beautiful experience for money.

And yes, I do it for free sometimes, but this would be impossible without careful consideration and blocking aside my volunteer time in a truly caring and respectful way for my own schedule.

I turn the thoughts around….and while I’ve done this work before, I’m realizing something in this moment as I turn them all around to myself. Again.

I shouldn’t assume I work for free or that I’m here only for volunteer service (ouch, yes).
I shouldn’t always speak up late (about showing up late) and go over time in our sessions (without being clear) and NOT ask why the bill isn’t paid?
Do I think I have no appointment calendar?
What do I think I do all day?
I don’t think my time is precious!
I don’t respect the huge investment I’ve made in training in The Work and human behavior (my master’s degree)
REALLY?

These are all true.

I act passively, and don’t speak up for what I want and need, and then call myself a loser for caring about money, or not asking for money, or being unclear about money.

I think I’m supposed to be Mother Teresa and never keep a penny for myself, and yet, I’m a human with needs that cost money.

I notice….these people who ask if I’ll help them, for free, are an echo of my past beliefs coming forward to be seen again, and faced.

Yes, I am still clearly uncomfortable talking about money, asking for money, charging money, running a business, hiring an employee, paying taxes, paying bills, sending bills, caring about money.

Wow.

I do care about money.

I want to care about money, not ignore it and treat it like it’s nothing and of no use, or something dirty that I still happen to need, like a toilet.

But who would I be without the thought I have to get this all perfectly cleared up, squared away, that I have to be awesome and happy and charitable at all times, that I have to avoid looking selfish and greedy, that I have to be carefree, content, giving, saintly, generous and say “yes” to anyone who asks and never ask about money?

I’d be respecting money itself….which I haven’t. Not in my own mind. Not in my actions.

I turn the thoughts around again, but this time….to money.

I shouldn’t assume money works for free or that it’s here only for service (for me)
I shouldn’t always show up late for money (yep, started earning it in my forties) and give it away in our sessions (by going over time) and being so uncaring about it coming late
Do I think money has no appointment calendar? It’s just supposed to show up when I ask?
What do I think money does all day? Nothing?
I don’t think money is precious
I don’t respect the money investment I made (especially when I don’t charge reasonable fees, or ask for payment, or respect my accounting)
REALLY? (says money to me, do you care at all about me?)

“Why is money trouble? A better question to ask is: What happens to us when we are in its presence?…Money itself provides the occasion for finding this kind of deep ambivalence in the self, and money is one place where the soul’s work must be done.” ~ Stephen Jenkinson in Money and The Soul’s Desires, A Meditation

As I inquire today, I whisper thank you to money today. I bow to it’s power to bring out my own ambivalence about myself, about life, about love, service, right, wrong, reality.

I am here for soul’s work.

Turns out….money is involved.

It has a place in All This.

Just like inquiring about people I feel uncomfortable with….let’s make friends with money, too.

Much love, Grace

Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend Retreat: If you have trouble with money, a relationship, a dream you’ve never achieved….this is the place to allow the disappointment to surface, to be felt, to see your stressful thoughts, to inquire, to find out what’s really true for you. Let’s find freedom. Question your thinking, change….your whole world.

January 31, 2016

Peace can be here now….even after this

flowerincrack — Do The Work….what was distorted will become beautiful

If you like to question your stressful thinking….

….then of course, when you get to spend all day with Byron Katie you’re gonna have an awesome day.

Here in Seattle last Saturday we got to have the incredible privilege of Katie and 750 people together, investigating the profound undertaking of human suffering.

It wasn’t exactly what you’d call a “light” day of inquiry.

Although….the opening volunteer who rose to sit on the stage with Katie started us off so beautifully….

….it was like the warm glow of a campfire in the night.

With tears in his eyes, because he was so touched by questioning his criticism of his partner, a man examined closely his thoughts about a dirty kitchen and why his partner never cleaned it.

We’ve all been there with that issue, right?

It’s an irritant, like a persistent mosquito, to hold the belief endlessly that someone else should clean up.

At one point, this man turned into the audience and looked up into the balcony.

He called “I’m sorry, honey!”

Turns out, his partner was right there, and Katie said…”Oh! Your partner is here? Come to the stage!”

Everyone was so touched by the love glowing bright between these two people who had been married for many years.

And then….

….the second person who came up on stage was a amazingly courageous woman who had suffered what sounded like horrible sexual abuse from her father for many years.

Abuse of the innocent seems like some of the sickest, most frightening and dreadful experiences that exists in humanity.

It goes in the category of The Worst That Could Ever Happen.

Murder, war, violence, rage, hatred, rape, earthquakes, prejudice.

The stories that make you want to not be a part of the human race.

The stories that feel too hard to face sometimes.

But that’s what people are doing with The Work.

And this woman did her work, with so many peoples’ support, right there on stage with Katie, helping us all to heal rather than suffer anymore.

Knowing that even the perpetrators are suffering….or they would not do what they do.

The next man who went up on stage to do The Work with Katie had just lost his son to suicide.

Tears welled up in my eyes for so much pain felt by a father, and his three surviving daughters.

I sometimes think….how can people live through all this?

It is so painful.

Such hard things happen….what is wrong with the world??!!??

*Ping*

That’s the deepest source of suffering of all.

Believing there is something dreadfully wrong with the world.

We can see the “proof” in our minds, as we think of all these terrible things that occur to people, everywhere.

We’re so sure it’s true.

See here, and there, and here? Look at all these people. So many tears. So much agony. So many people going crazy. So much unspeakable darkness.

But who would you be without the belief that these difficult experiences are Un-Handle-able?

Who would you be without the belief that it’s not possible to heal?

Who would you be without the belief it’s a hard, dark, difficult world and life is hard, dark and difficult?

What if you couldn’t believe that thought in this moment?

Look around.

Touch the chair you’re sitting in.

Feel the air on your face. Look at the room you’re in. Hear the sounds in your environment. Notice what is still, and quiet, and safe right now in this moment….

….even if you’ve been through rough times in the past.

Who would you be without putting your conditions for happiness on the world?

Seriously, like what if you didn’t know as much as you think you know about suffering?

What if you’re wrong about The Worst?

What if it is possible to be happy again, no matter you’ve experienced, no matter how horrendous?

“Do The Work, and everything that was distorted will become beautiful.” ~ Byron Katie in Seattle Jan 2016

“I try to move from what is to what is not, from what is to my image of what should be–and that is my suffering, that is my frustration, that is my despair….The healing you really long for is the deepest acceptance of pain….the healing you really long for is the healing from your identity as the victim of pain.” ~ Jeff Foster in the Deepest Acceptance

Once again, as I did my own work while listening to others break their hearts open, mine broke open wider, too.

I realized, for another time….

….this work is not about accepting all the terrible things, or condoning any of them, or wishing ill upon anyone, or punishing anyone, or damning others or myself for all time and staying stuck in hatred or fear.

This work is about surrendering to what is and discovering….

….it is never all darkness, it is never all lost forever.

Creativity and new life and love come out of the ashes.

Happiness and peace are here again for you.

Right now.

Except for your thoughts, are you OK?

Much love, Grace

NEW: March weekend retreat on Abundance, Desire, and Wanting. Doing The Work on what keeps us from what we really want: Reality Now! March 25-27. Friday night through Sunday afternoon. $295.

January 19, 2016

There’s Not Enough (participants, time, money, love)!

Question your belief in Not Enough....discover the truth. — Question your belief in Not Enough….discover the truth.

I’m offering the three day Eating Peace retreat this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This is a time to completely unplug from your usual ways with food and eating.

This morning I noticed a funny thought float through.

There aren’t enough people enrolled.

Not Enough.

The Not Enoughs are back, alive and well. The belief in Not Enough of something…..anything.

It’s such a common human idea.

Not enough money, not enough time, not enough love, not enough pleasure, not enough peace, not enough accomplishment.

You might have noticed this thought, even if you’ve never eaten a bite of anything compulsively.

As I sat in meditation on this upcoming retreat, something I always do before I’m about to teach, I felt the sweetness of looking forward to whoever shows up, and feeling the joy and inspiration of investigating thought….and eating very slowly together.

Yes, we practice mindful eating at the retreat.

And people attend this retreat who don’t even have intense “eating” issues, it’s so amazing to slow down in this basic human experience called eating.

In the retreat, I stay with everyone every step of the way, including when you’re eating midday and in the evening. Every bite is eaten together.

Something almost none of us do on a daily basis.

Something I never even imagined I would one day do in a retreat, where I’m the facilitator!!!

Sometimes, when people take this Eating Peace retreat, people report a life-changing HALT, almost like the brakes were put on, around the wild eating cycle of constant compulsive thinking and behavior with food.

Wild cycles of compulsive eating…..

…..that’s certainly what it used to be like for me, thirty years ago.

If someone had offered a live workshop on eating peace at the time, I would have thrown myself into it as soon as possible. I had nothing like that available to me. What was available was therapy (I am grateful and deeply appreciative to all the therapists who worked with me). I also found a group called Beyond Dieting that met weekly about freedom from compulsive thinking about food. There were books to read. There were 12 Step Meetings.

But nothing just for crazed eaters like me that would help stop the insanity for a whole day or more.

I had to go to an inpatient hospital program for that. And I did.

But not before a LOT of suffering.

When I was about 25, I moved. Again.

I had lived in dorm rooms, apartments, house-shares and lots of temporary type housing (interspersed by staying at my parent’s home) since I was 18.

But that year when I was 25 after finally graduating from college, I actually moved a long distance away, going from Washington to Colorado.

I’ll never forget the silent drive for 3 days, camping in my own tent by myself, and feeling the combined fear and excitement of being on the road and entirely free and uncertain.

It’s a wild, strange feeling.

I remember driving through Wyoming and seeing the mountains rise up in sharp, dramatic peaks. I was on small backroads for a certain length of time and I pulled my little car over and stopped and got out and stood in the wind.

A herd of antelope moved off in the distance between me, and the mountains. The wind blew loudly. It was completely silent. Not one other car in sight. Brown grass blowing chaotically like water all around.

I was on my way to Denver. I was on my way into a new life chapter.

For awhile, when I arrived, I had an excited momentum of newness surrounding me. I knew what to do each day.

Project: Get A Job. Get A Place To Live.

Basics like that can keep you very busy and concentrated.

No time for the haunting sense of failure or need to overeat or binge-eat, or smoke or drink (which were low-level things I used occasionally also at the time).

The horrible behavior had been binge-eating. I hated it and fought with it and really did not want to experience it ever again. I had seen therapists for it and learned a lot.

That was OVER now!

But after about six months of things settling down, having a basic job at the University of Denver and my own room in a beautiful Victorian house-share with 4 other people….

….one day my visitor appeared again.

The mean, bored, critical one who was also quite frightened and felt like a victim with a chip on her shoulder and wanted to eat.

She was a part of me. And she was back.

Uh-oh.

I thought I had obliterated her from the face of the earth. And locked the door and thrown away the key.

But here she was returning after my “geographical cure” of moving to a brand new city, starting to make new friends, take new classes, be a new person.

Dang it.

She was kind of angry (wouldn’t you be?) that I had ignored her and put her on hold for so long.

I found myself opening the cupboards of the kitchen in this beautiful house I lived in on Elizabeth Street, and seeing what my roommates had for food.

I stared at their boxes of cereal, or loaves of bread, or chunks of cheese on other peoples’ designated shelves in the refrigerator.

I shaved off a tiny slice, trying to make it so it wasn’t noticed, of banana bread from someone’s package.

My mind started to kick in…..

…..if I just eat a little bite from everyone’s food, they won’t notice.

I did that.

And guess what?

It wasn’t enough.

I wanted more.

I got into my car, in snow 8 inches deep on the ground in my first Denver winter, and started to drive.

I call this, now, the Searching Trance.

I would turn into a fast food restaurant, order something that sounded normal, pay for it through the cold roll down window, and start to eat it the minute I drove away.

Driving and eating and looking for the next place to buy something to eat.

My mind would spin with what sounded good and what I wasn’t allowed and where I could find it.

Is it here? Is it there? Is it around that corner?

Quick, quick, quick, quick.

The adrenaline was pumping and there was a sense of almost being about to get caught, and sneaking everything I wasn’t allowed to eat (to think).

My mind was on an escape mission.

I ate and ate from one end of town to the other, and headed back to my home.

Inside, thankfully, only one of my housemates was home and I managed to smile a big fake smile, say hello, and speed past them to head upstairs to my room. And the bathroom where I would turn on the shower so nobody could hear me, and make myself throw up food I had just eaten.

Then….I could rest.

That’s the thing about that cycle….I could finally rest and I would sleep very deeply almost like I got knocked over the head.

Nowadays I look back at that suffering and realize if only I could have discovered a way to stop, lie down, and relax….

….I could have gotten there without the food.

But I didn’t know how.

I so badly wanted to rest my MIND and my thinking, and it never worked to lock it up or try to control the thoughts by suppressing them and pushing them away or down or out of sight.

Eventually, still in Denver, I checked myself in to the hospital treatment program for addiction and eating disorders and lived there for an entire month.

Fortunately for me, my health insurance through my job at the university paid almost in full for the entire program, although it was crazy expensive.

It was a huge help for me to live my life daily without the binge-eating, and not as a geographical cure…..

…..instead I was surrounded by people who knew how I suffered.

Every hour of every day was filled with exercises, groups, activities, relaxation, therapy, conversations and intense sharing of the deep darkness I held in my heart about life.

I had to face the most sad and frustrating events from my past, and look at ways to handle my thoughts without needing or using eating or any other substances to “help” me get through life.

Now, the honest truth is…..

…..I engaged in every single addictive behavior again after a certain period of time back in “regular” life on the street after my inpatient experience.

But that was when I got really scared again and didn’t know how to be with my own feelings and thoughts.

I had no way to inquire at the time.

I just “believed” and went with it. I thought what I was thinking was true.

However, that immersion into time without binge-eating or using anything, ever, to escape gave me some solid ground to walk on.

I knew I was going to be OK.

I knew I could return to practicing the belief in “enough”.

I got myself into a group, I went to meetings, I found ways to get support and not panic with the deep belief in Not Enough.

Who would you be without your thought in Not Enough of something?

Are you sure you need it?

Are you sure it’s not possible for you to get what you need?

Are you sure you can’t handle this moment easily, without that thing you believe is missing or that you don’t have enough of?

Whether it’s money, time, love, safety or success…..

…..what if you turned the thought around, after you contemplate being without it altogether?

I DO have Enough.

That thing I don’t have enough of?

What if it needs more of ME?

More of my kindness, acceptance, attention, willingness to hang out with it.

That mean nasty one who used to come visit and want to binge-eat?

I notice she still shows up sometimes, although she never cares about eating and hasn’t binged in several decades…..

…..because she doesn’t need to scream that loudly anymore.

She’s softer. She’s not so dark and dreary.

She’s more easily amused, and her mind changes much more quickly.

I let her sit at the table with me for as long as she wants, and she can tell me all about what I’m missing and what she believes isn’t present enough in my life.

I give myself a lot of her……

……because she is me.

Because the ultimate turnaround is:

I need more of myself, in this situation.

I need to attend to me, love me, enjoy me, notice me, care for me, be in love with me, dance with me, eat with me, hug me, feel the enoughness of being alive even as life changes and moves every day.

When I feel this way, I love everyone and everything I come into contact with….

….whether it’s a small workshop full of inquirers, or a big one with 100 participants in it.

I’ve had both, and it’s a marvel either way.

This retreat has room, apparently, for more.

And it is perfectly enough as is.

Can you find it, in your life?

In my world, I can trust that exactly the people who show up are the ones who are supposed to be here, and no more or no less.

If you think you’re possibly supposed to be with me this weekend, hit reply, or join now, or call me 206-650-1230. To register, click HERE.

And meanwhile, no matter who or where you are….

….question your belief that you don’t have enough of something.

It doesn’t mean you SHOULD go without. You don’t know what will happen, with inquiry. It’s just an adventure in exploring beliefs.

You might be amazed at what you find.

“The way out of suffering is to be engaged in the process of ending suffering. The process is the outcome. In Life, the transformation occurs in the process.” ~ Cheri Huber in I Don’t Want To I Don’t Feel Like It

“The Master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7

Much love,

Grace

January 8, 2016

Eating Peace Free Master Class: How to question your thinking on eating troubles

News Flash: Join me for a completely free Eating Peace Master Class Online on Sunday morning 8:30 am Pacific Time. You participate from the comfort of your home with any computer. You’ll receive a link to the webinar in your Inbox if you register. To sign up, click HERE.

Watch my little two minute video about it here:

You can find peace with compulsive eating (thinking). Join me on Sunday!

Why am I offering such a class?

Because I’m committed to supporting people end their misery around food, eating and body image.

To end all misery, in every area, really.

You probably know by now, my worst nightmare was living with terrible thoughts and feelings about eating, food, and how my body looked and performed athletically.

Always falling short, never good enough.

Unable to stop binge-eating and then swinging to total restriction and freaking out on heavy exercise.

You don’t have to have this experience with eating to know the pain of compulsive or “addictive” behavior.

Reaching to grab something.…

….seeking, pushing, striving, wanting, feeling desperate, bored, upset, angry….

….this state of grabbing can precede the urge to smoke, spend money, buy stuff, clean, surf the internet for hours, watch TV, drink, smoke, gamble, obsess, be sexual, think.

Addicts Anonymous….you know what I mean?

Yikes.

It’s really not a happy life in this cycle.

But if we knew what else to do, we’d do it.

The interesting trick I’ve found (and the only one that seems to hold up over time)?

Questioning Thoughts.

Wondering who I would be without them.

Noticing what’s right here, now, in front of my face and in my environment.

What I’m surrounded by that is Not Thinking.

At first, it was just puzzling.

Then….wondering who I was without thought became quite interesting.

Then….fascinating.

And then….just a feeling, a being.

Here. Present. Accounted For.

But don’t worry about all that.

We all think, we all believe, we all take ourselves very seriously, we’ve all fallen into fantasy worlds.

All it takes is practice to relax, just like walking.

As you use your imagination to experience what it’s like to be without your stressful thoughts….

….you get a glimpse of freedom.

If you’re not sure how and you’re especially interested in questioning thoughts about food and eating….

….come join me on Sunday morning for The Work of Byron Katie on food and eating.

We’ll take at least one deeply stressful core belief to inquiry, so you’ll know what to do the next time you’re suffering.

And the next.

You can do this.

Right now….who would you be without your thoughts? What’s going on around you, in you, through you?

Are you laughing yet?

And if you aren’t, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Just do The Work.

Much love, Grace

January 2, 2016

Heal Your Uglies

Do you ever get the uglies?

That’s what my youngest sister once labeled my 10th grade experience of looking at yourself in the mirror before you went to school, and feeling…..well…..

.…ugly.

Here

I have three younger sisters, and we all had our self-critical moments when we were young.

But one day, I was telling my little sister how the day before on my way in to school I felt awful and I didn’t want people to see me, but by the afternoon, after I had a blast at band practice and some fun joking around in the hallways, my favorite teacher commended me on a project I had done, and I pretty much forgot about it.

She nodded.

Oh I know what that’s like, she said.

“It’s just the uglies.”

She was 12.

How’d she get so smart?

Instead of actually focusing in on the details like they were true….

….like that your face was blotchy, your hair was oily and flat, your thighs were too big, you had a zit on the edge of your nose where it meets the cheek, your clothes weren’t cute, your jacket was dirty, your eyebrows were too thick, your stomach was gross…..

…..it was a way of describing a whole way of thinking.

The Uglies.

She was identifying a mood, a way of looking that made everything appear ugly, rather than believing something really WAS ugly.

Which is what happens to us sometimes, even as adults.

I’m sure you’ve noticed.

You’ve got your Uglies glasses on.

When you feel self-conscious, self-critical and dismissive towards yourself, there may be something else going on besides just a tendency to be self-critical.

Self-hate and self-criticism doesn’t just pop out of the sky into you.

You weren’t born with it.

I always find, if I get the uglies, I can ask myself…..

…..what’s going on?

What am I believing to be true right now?

What’s the inside of my head like in the moment, my perception of the world?

I know it’s a big question, but it sure is better than attacking yourself for a huge list of faults….

….and far more fruitful for digging out the root of the suffering.

When I see me as ugly, I’m almost always seeing something else as frightening, sad, confusing, or irritating.

Ugliness is in the mind.

Here’s a powerful question that I never dreamed of asking consciously when I was in tenth grade:

What am I afraid of?

You can make a list, if you like, of people you feel nervous around.

These are people you feel might be making decisions about whether you’re an attractive person, or an unattractive person.

Romantic partners, colleagues, co-workers, students, boys, men, girls, women, mom, grandpa, brother, aunt, boss.

What’s the worst that could happen, if they find you ugly?

(You might also consider what’s the worst that could happen, if they find you beautiful, if this fits for you).

When you start writing about what can happen if someone thinks you’re ugly, you might be amazed if you really allow your mind to go there.

they’ll reject me
I’ll be all alone
they’ll win, I’ll lose
she’ll fire me
I’ll never be happy, or loved
I won’t be part of the inner circle

Now you have a threat you’re more clearly aware of.

The suffering you believe occurs when you’re rejected, left, abandoned, fired, cast out, dismissed, hated.

From this point…..

…..with a clearly stressful belief about what it means if someone thinks you’re unattractive…..

…..you can inquire, and do The Work.

Guess what I noticed as I did The Work over time on everyone I was afraid of, all the people I thought were judging me and criticizing me, or abandoning me?

After doing The Work for awhile, when I glanced at myself in the mirror at the beginning of my day in the morning….

….I smiled.

I automatically saw someone cute, and supportive more of the time.

I saw an image looking at me that said “Oh Hi! There you are you absolutely adorable person!”

Seriously, I actually started thinking that, almost every time I saw myself.

I did not try to make myself see myself as kind and loving, it just happened.

It was the result of questioning my thoughts and seeing through eyes that those other harsh people in my life had not rejected, abandoned, hated, dismissed, abused, hurt, or betrayed me.

They may have said some pretty mean things, and taken some pretty dreadful actions….

….but I understand now….

….they had The Uglies.

In the Eating Peace retreat, one exercise we do is fill out the Judge Your Body worksheet.

We get to look at the parts of our bodies that we just can’t see as beautiful, and put the nastiest thoughts in our minds about the body on paper.

Some of us try so hard to be thin, have the right clothes, have the right gestures, put on the best makeup and dream of the perfect non-rejectable image.

But calming your worries and fears down by trying to make the body look right is so difficult.

And besides…..we get old, we decline, we get sick or hurt, we have imperfections.

Why not start relaxing all that effort right now….

….and put the intense energy of the Uglies into questioning your stressful beliefs, into questioning the stressful way you actually SEE?

You can do this.

Come join me January 22-24 for the next 3 Day Eating PeaceRetreat in Seattle area.

The more you question, the more you can take off those Ugly glasses.

Your natural eyes see beauty, love, kindness and acceptance.

I say this because if I can see the beauty now, anyone can.

Yes, even you.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. I am sending this note today to those of you on the Eating Peace mailing list as well as Grace Notes, as I know many people suffer from eating issues and body image concerns. The upcoming retreat is filling and I’d love to have you there, to support you healing your Uglies.

If you want to update your subscription to drop or add any Work With Grace mail, just click the tiny print below that reads Update Profile and feel free to make changes.

November 12, 2015

Eating Peace: How do you end eating battles?

I received a powerful question the other day about ending eating arguments.

These would be those ones inside your own head.

Eat it! Don’t eat it! I’ll eat it! You shouldn’t eat it! Stop eating it! You ate it! You’re wrong! This sucks! You’re fat! You’ll GET fat! You’ll die of a disease! I can’t! I can! I need more! I need less! Too much! Not enough!

Those eating wars, fights, arguments, concerns, worries that happen on the inside of you.

The person asked me….

….”If I’ve tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING under the sun known to humankind, to stop being out of balance with eating, food, my weight, my obsessive thoughts….

….what could I possibly have missed?

Why would I want to take any of your programs?”

She went on to tell me she is 52 years old, and spent a lifetime working on this issue.

She began at age 8 when her mom and a doctor put her on a diet (taking a pill and restricting her food).

Like so many of us smart, educated, well-read people, she also knew practically enough to have a degree in nutritional science (no offense to those who actually have it, I know it’s expert work).

She had been to Overeater’s Anonymous and Weight Watchers, and Jenny Craig, and Fat Camps, and done low carb and raw diet (she actually enjoyed it quite a bit, but went off it one day).

She had studied the 12 steps deeply enough to attend AA meetings without feeling like an outsider even though she didn’t think of herself as an alcoholic. She could relate to “addict”.

She had also engaged in therapy with someone she trusted, to study her own emotional experience around eating.

But she still ate too much, and ate the “wrong” things.

She always failed.

What else was there left to do?

She asked me.

So.

What’s my honest answer?

Just Stop…..and get mega tons of support as you do it.

Stop trying to know, or find the answer, or do it all alone….and make THAT a practice in itself.

Then I shared with her a turning point for me that occurred with two things colliding together around the same time.

A commitment to no longer hurt myself. And if I did, I would keep walking the path of Not Hurting Myself. This was stoppingfor me.
If I thought I couldn’t stand it, or my love for myself was threatened (by over-eating, or under-eating) I would be absolutely and completely vulnerable and honest. I would reveal my humanness. I would reveal my shame (if I had it). I would ask for help, if that’s what was required. I would do my part. I would hold still, all alone, and wait for someone to come help, if that was required.

I know these are two pretty huge and gigantic, profound stands.

But they aren’t really.

The short versions could look like this:

Stop before you break the dish
Cry out for help (knowing it’s there) and shout, “I’m wanting to break the dish, help me!”

Notice.

There is no plan for what the outcome is, in either one of these energies.

No set idea for which way it will go.

No ideal weight, no special result, no serious rules to follow.

Except:

Stop hurting yourself,
See what’s really true.

To get to that inner place of what I like to call Open Hands (no fighting) feels very hard.

At least it appears to be hard.

It appears to require some kind of intention, or ability to achieve it.

But is that true?

Are you sure?

Are you sure you need to find these things, and you’ve lost them? Or you came into this world with them missing?

Are you sure you’ve tried absolutely everything, and it’s completely hopeless?

Because I felt that way hundreds of times, as I look back on my experience of raging eating pain…..

…..but I’m still here.

I’m not only here, I’m writing about healing from eating. I’m living in my 25^th year since the last binge-eating episode. I am not destroying anything with eating, or trying to destroy or change something.

My life, however, looks very normal and not that exciting or unusual, when it comes to food and eating.

For example, the other day, I felt like eating ice cream and it was pretty late at night.

We had some kind of chocolate chip flavor in our freezer. I took a bite after dishing it out in a pretty little crystal bowl.

I tasted it.

Not that good.

I opened up the fridge and found chocolate syrup in a container on the door, I didn’t even know we had it in there.

I put it on the ice cream, remembering childhood days of this same canned syrup and ice cream and peanut butter.

But it still didn’t taste that great.

So I ate another bite, as if checking, but then rinsed it into the sink.

Slowly.

It wasn’t a sudden smack of “NO! I won’t! OMG!”

It was just….oh. Ha ha.

Almost like a little mini attempt for something, then discovery of the truth.

It’s not even good. I don’t like the taste in my mouth. Maybe I like the texture and the coolness and gooey-ness, but not the actual taste.

There was no willpower or controlling the ice cream necessary.

I realized I was quite thirsty, and very tired.

What I really wanted, was to drink a big huge glass of water, put away the project I had been working on, and go to sleep.

What I really wanted was to feel the absolute quiet of this moment, at 11:00 at night, at the end of a huge day with many clients and creativity and plans for an upcoming retreat on December 12th.

What I really knew was true, was that nothing was required, and I could have what I wanted instantly….now.

Silence.

Rest.

So how do we do it?

What would that even look like, in a program of study like Eating Peace?

What it looks like is practicing together, which is amazing, and enlightening, and supportive.

Just like people in the medical field practice first aid, or emergency procedures, by repeatedly having fire drills and role-playing.

Rehearsing.

When we’re joined in a group together we practice:

stopping what we’re doing that doesn’t work and loving ourselves as we already are, and
asking for help if we think we can’t, hearing what others think, sharing

I find, when gathered with one or more people other than myself who are intent upon understanding the joy of silence, of knowing the mystery of oneself (like on a meditation retreat)….

….then I can return to the “regular” world of life and I’m more aware than ever of the silence and peace in doing the laundry, working with others, typing, answering phone calls, shopping at the grocery store, playing music, picking up kids from school.

Or eating.

That’s what Eating Peace is all about.

It’s really Thinking Peace, Feeling Peace, Living Peace.

I know….we aren’t always in the middle of whatever this idea of pure “peace” actually looks like, right?

(Except we are).

So we’re making friends with every feeling, every thought, every encounter we have that doesn’t seem friendly and peaceful.

The ones where food becomes an enemy, or our own minds become our foes.

We’re practicing the feelings of safety, the thoughts of openness, the activities of gentleness and love, the awareness of feeling powerful and clear.

We’re wondering and practicing and rehearsing and feeling what it might be like to be people who are capable of landing and being at peace.

Even with eating.

Because we are capable of it.

Not all of us realize it yet.

We get to really see clearly what the barriers are to peace in our heads, the blocks to freely acting on our own behalf, or to opening up to the help from the universe on this topic.

I do not know how long it will take for anyone to truly discover eating peace.

But what I do know, is that anyone can.

I created Eating Peace as a 3 month program (and then a 3 day retreat as well) to support people who want to investigate eating wars once and for all, and see what’s happening internally that makes eating so troubling.

How do we end eating arguments?

You stop believing your thoughts, and your feelings that drive you to be weird with food.

How do we do that?

Love yourself enough to take a look at what is.

Stop eating out of emotions, feelings, desperation, anger, or sadness.

Share, be honest, tell the truth, slow down.

Amazingly…..it works.

Next week, we begin the very thorough Eating Peace Online program again.

As always, it’s updated and improved (how could it not be updated, as life continues to unfold).

It’s my deepest intention to inspire both myself and you as we remember how to return to experience peace with food.

If you’re wondering how the program actually works, here are the basics:

Tuesdays are Live Presentation Days. You listen, you watch a slide show I’ve put together on all the ways I’ve discovered to interrupt the pattern of thinking and feeling that leads to eating out of balance.

Presentations are 9-10:30 am Pacific Time, and you can just as easily watch the recording. If you participate live, there is no talking-you do it all via your computer and write to me during the live 90 minutes to share your responses, discoveries and feedback. You can ask questions, too.

Wednesdays are inquiry days. We do The Work of Byron Katie, a magnificent way to clearly identify the weird things we’ve learned about the religion of eating, and we dissolve these beliefs through questioning them.

Wednesday inquiry sessions are also 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. For these sessions, you CAN talk if you like (I love it if you do) but you can also listen without speaking.

The exact dates of this exploration of the world of eating are below.

We move through four powerful modules: Thoughts, Feelings, Body, Spirit.

Three sessions for every module, three weeks for every module.

Twelve weeks in total. It’s more than three whole months of support, learning, sharing, watching.

You’ll have exercises and practices that are fun, fascinating and full of curiosity as you live your days noticing and accessing your imagination around eating, food and your body image.

You can do them all, or not. Your choice.

You’ll also be invited to Stop.

Stop overeating, stop undereating, stop believing your thinking (question it instead), stop trying to change your feelings into something better all the time.

If you falter or fail, you’ll still be loved, included, accepted and congratulated for coming back. The only requirement for participating is your desire to participate, your desire for eating peace.

I’m sending out this email today because I realized something the other day, when the wonderful woman asked me why she should sign up for Eating Peace?

I have not shared what it’s really all about.

So now I’m sharing with you, so you get the opportunity at least to decide if you want to investigate in a deeper, more profound way than perhaps you ever have before, and to see what it’s like if you Just Stop.

(No matter how much that freaks you out).

If you don’t stop, you’re still welcome.

I’m in Seattle and I can’t keep you from eating, or not eating, but I can offer you the stepping stones through the darks woods, and what I found worked most beautifully.

Module One: Thinking. (We start with the mind).

ALWAYS 9-10:30 am Pacific Time (check your time zone HERE).

11/17 (Weds 11/18 The Work of Byron Katie)
11/24 (Weds 11/25 The Work of Byron Katie)
12/1 (Weds 12/2 The Work)

Module Two: Feelings (the power of feeling bad, or good)

12/15 (12/16 The Work)
12/22 (12/23 The Work)
12/28 Monday Presentation instead of Tuesday

Module Three: Body (loving this body, tending this body)

1/12 (1/13 The Work)
1/19 (1/20 The Work)
1/26 (1/27 The Work)

Module Four: Spirit (practicing being with your mystery)

2/2 (2/4 The Work)
2/9 (2/10 The Work)
2/16 (2/17 The Work)

Everyone in the program has my text, my email, and a 9-1-1 solo session to use any time between now and June 1, 2016. Plus a secret private facebook group for sharing insights.

Even if you do NOT join this program, or any future program, you can begin to watch, take in, notice when you do NOT want to stop and when you do NOT want to share (and keep secrets).

You can try, just a wee little bit, to turn this around.

You can do it.

You have what it takes.

To sign up for the entire 12 week journey, including your choice between one of two Eating Peace in-person retreats (optional) then please click HERE.

“The real thing that we renounce is the tenacious hope that we could be saved from being who we are. Renunciation is a teaching to inspire us to investigate what’s happening every time we grab something because we can’t stand to face what’s coming.” ~ Pema Chodron

I’m here to help inspire you to investigate, and share with you how I do it.

Join me, let’s do it together.

And by the way, anyone who joins, gets access for life. Yes.

Grace, you have a REMARKABLE ability to embrace anything that comes into our Work, and weave it in. I love your light-hearted but serious style, and that you can tell your own stories. Looking back at what I wanted to get out of the program, I can say that I got a lot more than I imagined. Thanks, so much. ~ Florida

Peace, Grace

P.S. This is probably the only time this year I will teach this 3 month course. There’s something amazing about doing it over the holiday season, no matter what your practice or religion.

September 22, 2015

Violent Thinking=Violent Feeling=Violent Acting

When you're afraid, and you believe it's all true, you may try to escape — When you’re afraid, and you believe it’s all true, you may try to escape

Eating Peace in-person 3 Day Immersion Retreat is coming October 9-11 in north Seattle or November 13-15 in Newark area outside San Francisco. (And I’ll teach it a third time Jan 22-24 here in Seattle again). Mental health counselors earn 32 CEUs.

This Grace Note isn’t just for people with eating issues….

….it’s for those of us who do weird things that don’t make sense, that seem out of integrity to our truest nature.

Things that hurt, or hinder, or damage, or diminish something in our experience.

After many years of eating wars and studying how to stop the insanity I experienced….

….and then working with clients one on one for over a decade….

….I discovered some very common themes and deep-seated fears people experience who don’t know how to eat in peace.

Many of these things are true for people who eat without trouble, but do OTHER things without peace.

I started with myself, of course.

When it comes to the way I ate, I remember it well.

It was a *horrible* way to live.

Overeating, binge-eating, emotional eating, over-exercising, getting up at 5 am, avoiding meals with friends and family, pushing, pushing, pushing…..

…..ugh, what a nut-case.

What a painful life.

I didn’t know how to solve my problem of war-like activity. Constantly, my solution was to find a special or perfect way to do different activity. A different diet, a different exercise routine.

What I didn’t know was that the way I ate was not really my problem.

It was a symptom (you’ve all heard this before, I know).

My actual problem was war-like hateful thinking and feeling.

But I couldn’t see it at the time. I always thought something was wrong with me.

Thank goodness for the teachers, helpers, and healers I encountered along the way.

And thank goodness for my extreme, horrendous, life-threatening behavior…..because it made me HAVE to look, instead of avoid looking year after year.

Eating is NOT the only way war manifests in peoples’ lives.

Which is why I’m talking about it in Grace Notes (rather than only on Eating Peace news or videos, and if you want to see Eating Peace videos, just update your subscription at the very end fine print).

But you may have noticed, people have so many other very agonizing activities they engage in regularly that they don’t really want to be doing…..definitely not just food and eating.

So let’s take a look at how to work with difficult feelings (that lead to such difficult behaviors).

My thoughts and feelings in the past were violent.

When you believe violent thoughts about yourself, about your past, about other people…..you’re scared.

You feel powerless. You feel angry. You feel hateful.

Sometimes you feel like you wish you were dead.

Sometimes you ream on other people and categorize others as evil and dangerous (you’re violent in your mind towards them).

Even if you NEVER have taken a bite of food in your life that was emotional rather than based on physical need…..

…..you probably have done something in your life that you really wish you hadn’t, later.

You may have experienced the feeling of self-criticism, sadness, discouragement, depression or shame.

Have you ever noticed that even when you know a ton of stuff about some topic it doesn’t matter sometimes how much you know?

You study about diet, or money, physical fitness, communication, relationships, business, health, success….

….but nothing really changes.

You still tank on the action becoming different.

You still yell at your kid, you’re still late, you still get super anxious, you still drink too much, you still spend a huge chunk of money outside of your budget, you still surf the internet for an extra two hours, you still worry, you still cheat on taxes, you’re out of integrity.

In Eating Peace we dive into the process of exploring how it happens that even with all the knowledge in the world about nutrition, diet, glucose levels, good-feeling foods, foods for your body type, cave-man diet, or mindful eating, or a getting a degree in medicine…..

…..you still eat when you aren’t hungry, or eat the foods you know don’t work well with your body.

I’m sharing this with you all (not just people interested in Eating Peace) because looking at stressful behaviors when you think you know better is seriously interesting.

And seriously disturbing and discouraging.

Doing something you’ve vowed not to do is also fairly common.

Why do I eat when I already know it ends in physical pain and I’m clearly not hungry?
Why do I spend money when I already decided I’m trying to save for that special thing and I want to do?
Why do I rip that woman to shreds in my head and decide to fire her without explanation?
Why do I fantasize regularly about my old boyfriend?
Why do I get all freaked out about the next steps in my career that are pretty obvious?
Why do I never sit down and finish that book proposal?
Why do I race from spiritual teacher to spiritual teacher and fifty retreats a year trying to find enlightenment?

When is enough, enough?

Why is it NEVER enough? (And like I said, this is not about only food and eating).

Well….heck…..

…..if I may be so bold to say: fear.

I think something, I am frightened, I believe it is true, I react.

There is no other possibility when I think what I believe is the truth.

But what if there was another way?

Another option?

“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind–you are the one who hears it.” ~ Michael Singer

Answer this question. Use your imagination for good (not to terrify yourself).

Who would you be without believing your fearful thoughts?

Who would you be if you captured what you were thinking before you overate, or bought something you don’t even really care about, or broke up with your partner, or got together with your old boyfriend, or drank wine, or smoked a cigarette, or started worrying?

Who would you be without your thoughts about life, other people, success, God, you, money, other people….or other people?

(Notice how I have other people in there a few times? I did that on purpose).

Get yourself in a place where you can take the time to question what you think.

It helps to get facilitated. It helps to have a mentor, or a guide, or a teacher.

Who would you actually be, what would you DO, how would you behave, if you knew you could somehow be with fear without DOING something about it (like eat) or believing it to be 100% true?

Question your thinking, change your life.

That’s not a small thing.

It’s huge.

If you notice you have difficult thoughts about food (and you don’t have to have an eating disorder, or be overweight, or obsess about diets all the time) then come to Eating Peace.

Mental health counselors earn 32 CEUs. Yes, that isn’t a typo. We stick together and stay engaged for many hours each day for a Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Even if we *think* it’s a big fat bummer and we need alone time and we have to go eat something ASAP or die.

You get to see if it’s really true.

Join me in this work I love.

Whether Eating Peace or another retreat–they’re all about the mind and feelings.

Question your thinking, and watch how you act and behave in the world simply change.

Without the violence of trying.

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. One person cancelled yesterday, and one person signed up, so there’s ONE spot open in the 3 day weekend for ANYONE starting this Friday in simple Self-Inquiry and The Work of Byron Katie. Dive into what scares, angers or saddens you the most about your life….and find freedom. Reply to this email if you want to join us in Seattle.