Grace, Author at Question with Grace

December 18, 2015

Is it a stressful story, or a wishing rock?

without your stressful story, maybe all you have is a beautiful wishing rock

You might be able to tell, there’s a theme lately going on in Grace Notes or Eating Peace videos on youtube.

Retreat.

On the inside.

But you may not be so happy about that theme if you feel like you’re not doing it right.

If you feel like you’re completely pissed off, agitated, anxious or depressed. Or on attack mode (the opposite of retreat) running forward trying to get it handled, or fixed, or done forever.

I get it.

The other day I thought a stream of thoughts, all of which were along the same vein….

….like the way there are veins in the old granite rock up near Ross Lake in the wilderness, driving distance from my home.

Up near Ross Lake, huge slabs of rock are exposed, with a highway cutting through the edge that winds up through the mountains.

College and high school classes go there for the observation and learning about geology of the region, where the under-layers of earth pushed and cracked to the surface and became exposed.

Huge veins of deep or light color run through the rock.

Like the pebbles you see on beaches that have one line running through the pebble that’s different from the rest of the rock, making the pebble appear to have a ring around it.

Since I was little, the kids all said “pick up this kind of pebble, make a wish, and throw it over your left shoulder into the water….your wish will come true.”

Wishing rocks.

Who said so?

Maybe someone many generations back, or far, far back into so many years ago we don’t even remember.

That one thread running through the rock was so solid, so beautiful, so permanent, so colorful.

As I was noticing a thread of thinking running through my own mind, I suddenly had the vision of one of these pebbles….

….or a whole side of a mountain, like near Ross Lake, that had a thick vein of color running through it in massive proportion.

My thoughts were thick and tight and strong, and repetitive, like this vein.

Sigh.

They went like this:

Life is kind of dull, like the weather. I don’t feel like (fill in the blank). Maybe I should get a different regular normal job (I always love when this thought comes in). How about a cup of coffee? Yeah, that’s it. It’s not possible to be on retreat at all times. It’s too boring, too slow, and not practical. There are too many things I want to do in life, and I need to clean. And pay bills. My cottage is too small. The carpet needs vacuuming. Nothing ever works out perfectly.

Yeah.

It was that self-piteous. Piss. Moan.

It continued.

My clients and students who are angry right now, or having a hard time, especially those who experience a contentious relationship with eating?

There’s no solution. They’re right. Life is hard. Holidays are difficult. Family is troubling. People are complicated. Addiction is not easy to overcome. Compulsion is too strong to address. It’s too hard to change one’s story.

And while we’re at it, can I mention that I hate shopping?

BEEEEEEEPPPPPP.

Did you hear the loud horn?

It was the kind that is built to scare away bears in the wilderness.

You hear it?

It means “stop now”.

Because these kinds of thoughts are strong, compelling and they have babies faster than you can say Jack Robinson.

(Which, by the way, do you know where the saying comes from “faster than you can say Jack Robinson?” From the 1600s in England. Talk about passing along ancient impressive history and old stories through phrases, like the line in the hard rock lasting for generations into the future, even if we no longer know who Jack Robinson is anymore).

Pause.

Even though everything is happening.

Even though you are getting on and off airplanes, or wishing you could and you aren’t.

Even though you are upset with the weather, and worried about global warming, and its not snowing where you live anymore, or snowing too much.

Even though you were fired, or your love of you life divorced you. Even though you lost your hearing, or your health. Even though you can’t read every amazing classic book ever written. Even though you don’t know what to get your kid for Christmas. Even though you’re sick of decorations all around you when you do not even celebrate this holiday. Even though you ate too many cookies at the office party.

Just stop.

Do you notice how you react when you think it’s hopeless?

Do you notice what happens in your body when you believe the world is a dangerous place, or disappointing?

Ow.

When I believe these kinds of thoughts, there’s a crushing weight of self-criticism, responsibility, grief.

So who would you be without these thoughts?

Without beliefs that pack tightly together and create a line inside a rock?

What if you just caught that chatter that says “I’m sick of it” and wonder who you are without the belief?

Because there are already huge parts of you without the belief.

My pinky finger on my right hand, for example, doesn’t have any of these thoughts.

I also didn’t have these thoughts yesterday when curling up in bed to go to sleep after a productive day.

I didn’t have the thought when walking into the gym, or listening to one of my best friend’s messages about her own thoughts with love and acceptance.

Or when I noticed the beauty of red car tail lights filling the night streets. I’m not kidding.

You don’t even really have to work so incredibly hard to wonder what it would be like to not have these kinds of solid, ancient thoughts.

Because there is already a great part of you, far bigger than the energy of this thinking, that doesn’t have any of these thoughts.

Who are YOU anyway, who believes it has stressful thoughts?

Are you sure YOU have them?

Where are they?

I notice they are only an energy, zipping through.

I notice they only come into vein-formation if I begin to follow them, and believe them, and take them seriously.

The other day a student wrote to me “I feel like breaking something!”

“How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!” ~ Byron Katie to me when asking her about my own anger and how to get rid of it.

Just because I think it, I feel it, doesn’t mean I AM IT.

Turning the thoughts around….

Life is full of movement, like the weather. I do feel like (fill in the blank). I am not the one in charge. Nothing is required. There are no solutions to “life”. It IS possible to be on retreat at all times, it’s already actually happening, I don’t have to try. My thoughts are profuse, and that’s fun. Only my mental noise and mind believes them, not the rest of me. I will never be “done”. My mind is too small, my mind needs vacuuming. Everything works out perfectly.

Pause a moment longer, now that you’ve been pausing to consider your thoughts, and not taking them seriously.

Take a very deep breath.

Relax your entire body. Hold still a moment.

Even if your mind yells and makes noise and comments and gestures and demands you get up and do something….

…..notice how you do not have to act like it’s true.

“Practice not doing, and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #3

Much love,

Grace

December 16, 2015

The beautiful thing about the truth about money….it’s free

moneyblossome — have a love affair with money

As I walk through life (and sometimes run, I admit) in the past couple of years, one thing has been very, very, very transformative and awe-inspiring for me.

The way I relate to money.

The way money appears to relate to me.

As in, we’re having more fun together than we used to. Almost a love affair….but let’s not get carried away.

Now many people might think….

…..oh. What? She’s making money now? That’s what’s happening?

That MUST be what she means by having a love affair with money, if that’s what’s going on!

But check your assumptions about what a “love affair” actually is.

Is it all I-get-what-I-want-and-I-am-comfortable-at-all-times easy-peasy non-confrontational never-asking-you-to-grow kinda deal?

If that’s what you want with a love affair, there’s nothing wrong with that.

And, that’s not what I’m talking about.

Somewhere along the way in my life, I discovered through extreme fear and suffering (it took some yelling to wake me up) that what a truly deep, wild, fantastical, growth-inspiring love affair looked like with money….

….was to lose my need for it to go MY way.

(Secret hint: this is true about romantic love, other people, your family, and everything else in your entire life).

My way involved money always directing its attention towards ME.

Staying with me, giving to me, calling on me at all the right moments, showering me with appreciation, bringing me gifts, making it fun-fun-fun pleasure ALL the time, growing before my eyes, asking nothing or very little of me.

How did I react when I believed the thoughts that money doesn’t care about me personally when it was not acting the way I wanted, and it should, that money should stay with me and never challenge me, ever?

Twisted up in knots.

Terrified.

Angry.

With those thoughts, I felt small, tiny, and inconsequential. Unloved. Left behind. Less than others who had more money than me.

Who would I be without the belief that when money moves away….

….it means I’m abandoned, or unloved by money, or incompatible, or undeserving, or bad?

Without the belief that money is acting unacceptable, frightening?

That money is not doing as I wish, that it’s leaving me unhappy and all alone?

Who would I really be without these beliefs?

Holy smokes.

That’s an amazing feeling.

The lightness of allowing money to be as it is, moving the way it does!

To not “need” anyone, including money, to do it the way I want in order to be happy…..laughter-inducing.

The freedom to not have to depend on money to come to me in times of trouble…..incredible.

Turning the belief system around about money:

I do not need it to survive. Never have.

Money needs more of me, pouring myself into the world and meeting the world with joy, instead of the other way around.

Turning thoughts about needing more money around to the opposite (I don’t need more of it than I ever have) I notice I have abundance all around me, and its free for the noticing.

Grass, trees, sidewalks, parking places, bicycles at the gym, daylight hours, conversations, videos, furniture, long slabs of wood creating a floor, pieces of furniture, art, air to breathe.

Abundance everywhere I look.

Including the direction “in”.

“The Tao never does anything, yet through it all things are done. If powerful men and women could center themselves in it, the whole world would be transformed by itself, in its natural rhythms. People would be content with their simple, everyday lives, in harmony, and free of desire. When there is no desire, all things are at peace.” ~ Tao Te Ching

Now don’t go off thinking this means you’re supposed to not have any desire for money, if you do.

That’d be pretending stuff that isn’t really true.

Just investigate the stress.

I keep seeing there’s nothing to fear, and money keeps asking me to grow. It invites me to create, to bring service and have a ball doing it.

And this is what I always so deeply wanted anyway.

So thank you, money, for being soooo challenging, and such an exciting, brilliant, wise, ingenious energy.

You’ve loved me so much that you want me to come out of my cave of introversion, shame and being small and insignificant….

….and turn up the volume on being here, on being myself, and connecting very honestly and intimately with the world.

“This is the beautiful thing about the truth: ever-present, always here, totally free, given freely.” ~ Adyashanti

Truth is free.

Truth about money is free.

All you need to do is inquire within.

Money Love Story 8 week telecourse Thursdays 2-3:30 pm beginning on January 14th. So much fun to watch it fill up with awesome people. We will have a great time investigating money with exercises, questions and prompts that allow you to see what you think, that’s hurting, and change your relationship with money.

Much love,

Grace

December 14, 2015

The Little Yellow Card

I love how people enter The Work in all kinds of ways.

The other day someone who came to a meetup for the first time, knowing absolutely nothing about The Work, left with a delighted look in her eyes.

She had never read anything by Byron Katie, or tried The Work, before our meetup.

She simply trusted that her friend, who invited her, might be onto something interesting.

I love that some people dive in and follow the simple directions.

They write down their stressful thoughts about a person who’s bothering them, or a situation they find disturbing.

They take only one of the thoughts they’ve written, and apply the four questions.

There is no major motive to get somewhere else.

There is no vision about where they should be.

They know they feel pain about the relationship or concern, and they’re willing to try answering a few questions about it, slowing down, considering if what they’re assuming is actually true or not.

Today, if you’re not sure which way to go about something (or perhaps many things) that you find upsetting….

….instead of trying to analyze it further, or resolve it right now, or fix it, or feel better about it…..

….just ask these questions and see what happens, without any expectations whatsoever:

Is what you’re thinking actually true?

Is it absolutely true?

What happens, how do you react, when you’re thinking that thought, in that situation?

Who would you be without your thought, in that very same situation?

Then find turnarounds, or opposites, to your thought.

(Sometimes this is the tricky part, but even that’s OK….you’ll catch on).

Byron Katie suggested during an event once that I attended that if you felt stuck, but noticed you were talking to yourself and telling yourself stressful things in your own mind (things that made you sad, scared, or angry)….

….and you were too freaked out to sit down with a pen and paper and do The Work….

….why you could simply ask a stranger on the street to ask you the four questions (while handing them a card with the questions printed on it).

Katie has these little yellow cards called, well, the Little Yellow Card.

What I love about this idea is how simple it is.

It’s the simplest thing in the world to answer (or ask) four questions, and find turnarounds to what you’re thinking.

You don’t need something special to do The Work.

You can find someone nearby, and see if they’ll ask you the questions about something you find painful.

There’s really no right or wrong.

There’s just doing it.

“The future depends on what you do today.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Much love, Grace

P.S. Two things already filling I better tell you about: 1) Eating Peace 3 Day Retreat Jan 22-24 Seattle and 2) Money Love Story 8 week telecourse Thursdays 1/14-3/10 2-3:30 pm. More about them soon! xo

December 13, 2015

Sweet and tart….the deliciousness of all thinking and tasting

meditation The other day I shared with you that I just came from a week-long retreat on the wild, rocky, cold northern California coast.

Every day we had almost exactly the same schedule, starting with silent sitting meditation, a silent meal of breakfast, then a talk by the remarkable and wise Adyashanti, silent lunch, silent break, followed by three silent sitting meditations, silent dinner, and the fabulous Q and A in the evening (called “satsang” in Eastern religious traditions) and finally one more silent sitting meditation followed by….

….you guessed it, silent sleeping.

I loved every part.

Except.

Even if all this was called “silent” (no talking, no unnecessary sounds or rustlings in the meditation hall, no gestures or trying to catch someone’s eye)….

….its not exactly silent on the inside.

Have you noticed?

That mind just chatters away like a committee of monkeys or chickens, doesn’t it?

Many of us are deeply aware of this “problem”.

We especially want the negative, irritable, scary, depressed thoughts to be quiet.

But what if we inquired into this belief, this troubling thought, about our thinking itself?

What kinds of thoughts do you have about your own mind?

I know…..it can get pretty vicious the way we sometimes attack our own minds, our process of this thing called “thinking”.

My thoughts are driving me crazy. I want them to leave me alone. They should shut up! They are destroying my peace. My thoughts are brutal, insane, ridiculous, stupid, repetitive, boring and self-centered.

Can someone give me a lobotomy on my disturbing, totally confused thoughts?

Ha ha.

But let’s inquire.

Let’s give even this grand gesture of Attack of Thought Itself a good look.

My thoughts destroy my peace and drive me mad.

Is this true?

Yes.

And I know from doing The Work that when they dissolve, I become more free.

I know my thinking creates my stress. I want an attitude adjustment! I can’t seem to get it all squared away and done with, once and for all.

But are you absolutely sure your thinking destroys your peace, drives you mad, and that you want to them all to go away?

No. Not at all, really.

How do you react when you believe you must get rid of your “negative” thoughts?

How do you treat yourself when you believe “your” thinking is destroying your peace?

Caught in a loop of judgment.

“I” am doing this wrong.

“I” need to fix this thinking.

Thoughts must die.

(Have you ever had this kind of thinking about people, by the way, who have upset you, or other difficult situations in the world like war, or anything you may find frightening?)

Destroy it! Bring out the posse! Grab your pitchforks and firearms! Attack!

How about truly inquiring instead?

They are YOUR thoughts, are you sure?

Thinking is never-ending….and that’s bad because why?

Peace is wiped out if you THINK something….have you checked?

(Check right now, if you want).

What would you be, without being against your own mind?

What if thinking, and thoughts, and mind, was all here to serve you, to serve life?

What if even this process of repeating ideas, returning to the same thoughts over and over, thinking frightening things….

….was actually happening for good purpose?

An invitation.

Maybe your poor little mind just wants to do its job.

Work!

Might as well give it some great questions it can answer, instead of wishing it would die.

Fortunately, The Work is just that.

It’s called The Work, Katie jokes, because it is actually…. ….well….work.

She also suggests that we have only two choices: question your thinking, or believe it.

Notice there isn’t a choice: wipe out all your negative thoughts from the face of the earth (from the mind) WITHOUT work.

I notice, I don’t want that anyway.

Turning the thoughts around: My thoughts are driving me sane. I do not ever want them to leave me alone. They should shout as loud as they need to shout, continuously, until I pay attention! They are creating my peace. My thoughts are gentle, sane, normal, smart, patterned (not repetitive), exciting and other-centered.

Wow.

It makes me chuckle out loud!

And I notice, my brain is running just like everyone else’s brain.

I don’t yell at my heart or my lungs or my organs to stop doing their job. So what if I welcomed all my painful thinking?

What if I opened my arms to all the little compulsive automated evolutionary function of this built-in energy called “thinking”?

What if I accepted that this mind is a little micro chip of awareness, created especially for this life to form memory, to warn for danger, to help operate the actions of this body, to support a return to peace.

I don’t know how, but starting with this first step of being willing to allow all thoughts to be feels like a huge relief, an awesome gift, and a way out.

Just like all the people you ever got upset with.

Or all the situations you ever hated.

Letting them be here.

Ahhhhhhh.

No more control.

Gosh.

That felt so juicy, and delicious, and sparkling, and open….

….I suddenly realized I forgot was “I” was thinking.

Relax, by Ellen Bass

“Bad things are going to happen.

Your tomatoes will grow a fungus

and your cat will get run over.

Someone will leave the bag with the ice cream

melting in the car and throw

your blue cashmere sweater in the drier.

Your husband will sleep

with a girl your daughter’s age, her breasts spilling

out of her blouse. Or your wife

will remember she’s a lesbian

and leave you for the woman next door. The other cat–

the one you never really liked–will contract a disease

that requires you to pry open its feverish mouth

every four hours. Your parents will die.

No matter how many vitamins you take,

how much Pilates, you’ll lose your keys,

your hair and your memory. If your daughter

doesn’t plug her heart

into every live socket she passes,

you’ll come home to find your son has emptied

the refrigerator, dragged it to the curb,

and called the used appliance store for a pick up-drug money.

There’s a Buddhist story of a woman chased by a tiger.

When she comes to a cliff, she sees a sturdy vine

and climbs half way down. But there’s also a tiger below.

And two mice–one white, one black–scurry out

and begin to gnaw at the vine. At this point

she notices a wild strawberry growing from a crevice.

She looks up, down, at the mice.

Then she eats the strawberry.

So here’s the view, the breeze, the pulse

in your throat. Your wallet will be stolen, you’ll get fat,

slip on the bathroom tiles of a foreign hotel

and crack your hip. You’ll be lonely.

Oh taste how sweet and tart

the red juice is, how the tiny seeds

crunch between your teeth.”

Thinking happens.

So does peace and delight.

Endless, endless.

Can you taste it?

Much love, Grace

P.S. Upcoming inquiry events with Grace for 2016:

Eating Peace Retreat January 22-24, 2016 north Seattle, WA $347

Half Day Mini Retreat April 2, 2016 Seattle

Eating Peace Retreat April 15-17, 2016 Newark, CA $347 (last time at this fee)

Money 8 Week Telecourse Jan 14-March 3, 2016 Thursdays 2-3:30 pm Pacific Time (By donation–suggestion $150-$395)

Question Money 3 Day Retreat March 25-27, 2016 Seattle $395

The Work of Byron Katie with Grace: Delete Your Suffering May 13-15, 2016 $395

Breitenbush Annual Deep Dive The Work June 24-28, 2016 $395 plus food and lodging through Breitenbush

Summer Camp For The Mind Immersion TeleJams in The Work July-August 2016

Being With Byron Katie Silent Streamed Retreat July 9-12, 2016 Kenmore, WA $165 (accommodation available for a few at inexpensive fee)

December 11, 2015

Good news….you could be wrong (and one spot in tomorrow’s Seattle retreat)

Wide open wild ocean at Asilomar, where I’ve been retreating. And now…..more retreating in daily life!

I have missed you this week, I love sharing with you so much, and hearing from those who write.

I have just come away from a primarily silent retreat with the inspiring and loving teacher Adyashanti for seven days.

The only time there was speaking, was if you raised your hand, Adya called on you, and you came to the microphone (in front of 300 people) to ask him a question or have a conversation about this thing called life.

I asked Adya a question.

How do I bring this profound silence and joy that I receive here on retreat into my daily life, and stay connected to serving and being peace?

It was such a good answer.

He is always very kind and generous, and not judgey.

But if I could sum up the answer in one fell swoop, although it was much longer and sweeter than this, it would be:

Don’t be afraid of getting disturbed.

Oh.

Right.

Questioning what’s going on.

I can do that.

We all can do that.

And not just questioning what’s going on when we feel unhappy, or upset, or sad, or mixed up about things….

….but even telling an uncomfortable situation to come on in.

It’s welcome.

When I wish for my life to be one big long retreat, and a retreat has to look like lots of silence and open time, and space and gentleness, good simple meals, lack of work….

….then I will be disappointed.

And very, very confused.

Because really? That’s not what I want at all.

I want life to be exciting, and challenging, and fascinating, and full of wonder and miracles, and change and destruction, and rebirth and passion.

I want what Life wants.

When I don’t, it hurts real bad.

So today, as I have a day of travel and writing and getting ready for a half day retreat tomorrow in inquiry, I can remember about how every single time I thought I knew how life should go and could not find flexibility in my thinking….

….things got a bit worse.

Every time I have stopped, questioned what I believed to be the truth about any situation….

….things got better.

Eventually.

Today, I am so grateful for every harsh, difficult thing I’ve ever gone through, because of what it’s given me along the way.

Today, I am so grateful for laundry, children, cleaning the bathroom, making copies of retreat materials for participants tomorrow, doing the dishes, and cleaning out the Inbox of emails.

Do I really want my daily life to be like a silent retreat with non-stop spiritual guidance?

Who had the idea that it isn’t?

Oh yeah!

That was me!

The good news….if that was little me who had that thought, I could be wrong!

Much love, Grace

P.S. Last minute shuffling looks like one spot has opened up for tomorrow’s December 12 mini retreat 1:30-5:30 pm. Question your mind, change your life. Really.

December 3, 2015

One of us can be more aware…..and it’s not them

heartoffire — question violence, rise up with peace

In the fourth month of Year of Inquiry, we look at our complaints.

We use an awesome exercise that I first did at Byron Katie’s School for The Work, a 9 day program with Katie where everyone gets to question their thoughts every day, all day long, about the world.

I’ve been to three schools, either as participant or staff.

The first time I did this exercise, it felt like I would never stop writing.

I actually didn’t.

Stop writing, that is.

The group process needed to move on, even though some us felt like our lists were unfinished.

The prompt?

What do you complain about, and why?

I complain about _____ because _____.

You can give it five minutes right now, in your journal.

It’s a little overwhelming, once you get started, right?

At least this was my experience.

(And still is, by the way….if that mind gets started on complaints, they are never-ending: war, greed, betrayal, disparity, overpopulation, climate change, partners, disease, dandelions, addiction, complainers, garbage, chores, marriage, time, divorce, money, laundry. OK I will actually stop now).

But there are always some people who have very few complaints.

Which is really sweet.

And you only need one.

You don’t have to get all hyper aware of all the troubles of the world, life, my life, your life, everyone’s life, the entire history of everything….

….like I sometimes do.

But my favorite part is wondering WHY I have any complaint in particular.

It’s the part where you say….

….I complain about ____ BECAUSE.…

That complainer voice wants to say “I have my reasons!”

It’s pretty defensive, full of grief, or despair.

But one day, I noticed that really, all my reasons for why I complained were because of one thing.

Fear.

I was scared, if I thought about whatever it was I was complaining about.

If I encountered it live in living color (as opposed to on the news or in the movies) even worse.

It was like I was running around as if being chased…..like a cartoon character.

Help! Help! The Sky Is Falling! The Sky! Help! See Over There? See Over Here? Help! Sky! Falling! HHHHEEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!

OK. Shhhhh.

Really?

(That’s my very wise very funny fairy godmother talkin’. Come here child, she says, with her big arms open wide. Stop your fussing.)

The other day our Year of Inquiry group looked at the thought “he’s getting violent” after spending a short time writing our answers to the prompt above.

One of our members noticed someone she loved (her brother) escalating his voice, his words, his volume recently when she was present.

We could all find our own situations, even if the violence we pictured was in far away places in the world, where we really believed “this situation is getting violent”.

It IS violent.

(Shivering with fear, deciding I will never go there again, angry at the threat).

But who would you be without the belief that it is absolutely violent, all of it is violence, all of it destructive and devastating and all leading to nothing good?

This is NOT ABOUT DENIAL.

It is simply noticing what happens when you imagine NOT labeling things as severely dangerous (or mildly dangerous for that matter).

With the label “violent”….

…I avoid, I close and shut down, I don’t make the phone call, I do not act, I hide, I feel small, I act small, I swear, I call people names, I don’t trust.

It’s a kind of fake prison space, like purgatory, an in-between zone of non-action and closing the world off.

This place feels small and trapped, and suffocating.

Time to take a breath.

A deep one.

And ask “who would I be without the belief that it is violent and therefore must be avoided or shut down/destroyed?”

What if I simply could not tell a horrible story about what I see here, in this situation, where intense energy is bursting forth?

What if I couldn’t believe that life was absolutely dangerous in a fearful way?

Wow.

I almost don’t know how to describe it, it’s so weird and unusual and off the map and not of the mind….

….to consider being in this moment, let alone being around something loud (like shouting or guns) without the thought “this is dangerous, violent, fearsome, wrong.”

But I do notice a relaxing within, as the inquirer did who questioned the thought about her brother.

Without the belief, she could see her brother, terrified about what he was perceiving.

He was scared.

Without her own conclusions and label called “violent”, she would see his fear but not join it.

Without knowing what to do next, without needing to know.

Turning the thought around:

My thinking is violent, towards these other people, towards the news, towards this person I love (when I think they are the violent one).

My thoughts rip the entire world to shreds and use events to prove my point….

….”this world is dangerous, sad, lost, horrible, a disaster.”

(Shhhh, Says Godmother).

I am violent to myself, never feeling satisfied with who I am, never thinking I am enough.

I am violent to myself in the very situation when I think another person is violent….

…..because right in the middle of it, I consider myself too small to make a difference, too small to stay there, too impossible to connect with the ones acting out, too insignificant to speak up, to stand up, to rise up.

Without the belief that they are violent….

….you might be a voice for peace, rather than hatred, anger, apathy, giving up or depression.

This does not mean you should walk directly into an angry mob, or not move away from someone who starts yelling in a cafe, or feel the heartbreak of learning about people killing other people.

But without the labeling, the black-and-white thinking….

….I might work to help change the roots of the violence. I may think of more interesting and creative possibilities. I may start a movement.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

“No one can be more aware than they are in the moment. If I have the thoughts someone should be more aware….in that moment I’m asleep. I’m unaware. One of us can be more aware, and it’s not them.” ~ Byron Katie

What can you do, today, to help bring peace into your life?

Not with a “should” (which would be violent) but with the powerful energy of activated love, not fear.

Love can be intense and passionate and wild, too.

Let’s do it!

Much love, Grace

December 2, 2015

Eating Peace: Ending shame is maybe the greatest key to ending compulsion…here’s how

When I was a kid, I felt ashamed and embarrassed to feel just about anything.

Ecstasy and attraction (wanting) something, anger or fury, sadness or self-pity.

The shame of feeling these, and wanting to cover up that I felt them, I took with me into adulthood.

The problem is, if you feel ashamed to feel, you have a MAJOR BLOCKADE going on with reality.

Because you are a feeling person.

Watch here to find out how to allow all feelings to be present and come into the light.

December 2, 2015

You should do The Work on yourself

My 100th Podcast Episode. Peace Talk is a short (less than 10 minutes) talk about inner peace, in every situation. Thanks for listening. Keep writing with your topics and questions, I love hearing from you.

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thank you everyone for sharing your stressful thoughts, for they are mine, too, it turns out

“This is a LOT of work”said the handsome young man sitting on my couch.

Our session had just come to an end, after going into overtime.

He said it with a sigh and a slightly dejected sense of disappointment in his voice.

Like….dang it.

I was hoping for a change of heart after this.

Immediately, I thought about how I could have used the session more productively by saying a little more about The Work in the first place, by explaining it better (not true).

What I had not known was he knew just about nothing about The Work, but was still somehow drawn to come see me.

He knew I once had a food thing of some kind.

He had a drinking and smoking thing.

I could see the pack of Camel Straights in his shirt pocket, the kind I used to smoke myself so many years ago.

He wanted it to be over.

He wanted it to be a thing that was No Longer A Thing.

Like that old terrible relationship you remember you once had, and it was violent and troubling, and now it’s been 20 years, or 2 years, and you actually kind of smile when you think of that person.

Addictive compulsive behavior is like this.

It’s so painful, so full of suffering and angst and self-hatred, that anyone experiencing even a little tiny bit of trancing into something addictive, whether a substance or a behavior, would think “this has to stop” when you snap out of the trance.

It doesn’t just stop though, right?

Nope.

Not if you want to skip over the part in which you discover what you’re thinking, believing and feeling that causes the unrest in the first place, that fuels the reaching for the thing that will help you forget awhile about your thoughts.

It also won’t stop if you persistently think you are alone AND you should be able to figure this out by yourself.

It won’t stop if you think you should pull it together and feel gratitude for how much you have (whats-wrong-with-you-anyway).

And it won’t stop if you HATE uncomfortable feelings, or feelings of terror and failure and vulnerability.

Because those feelings are what often happen right before you reach for the thing, so you’ll have to be with them.

This sweet man had emailed me before our first session and asked if he should fill out any forms beforehand, to save time, or do anything to prepare.

I sent him a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and said he could spend time filling it out and to pick something other than himself.

Guess what he said as he sat down on my couch to begin the session?

“I couldn’t find anyone at all in my life I have trouble with, thank God. I have such an amazing life. I have so many people I love and who love me. I have it pretty good.”

Oh boy, here it comes I thought….

“It is me I have a problem with. Just me. So I answered the questions on this sheet about myself.”

So now today, instead of talking about how I found it so much easier to do The Work on the world, which turned out to Be Me anyway, and give you a suggestion on Not Doing It On Yourself…..

…..I’m going to do my own work.

Which is really the quickest, easiest, most productive, direct way.

And yes, it’s called The Work because it appears to require some time and attention and care.

But I really have no choice, because it’s either do this, or fuss internally and get irritated.

Maybe I stay irritated, maybe I fuss, but at least one way there’s a chance of rain.

Without questioning my thoughts….it’s a drought and maybe rain comes eventually, but who knows.

I’m in a hurry.

So here we go.

People should stop doing The Work on themselves!!

They should stop being so harsh and critical of themselves. They should join the human race and be normal mediocre humans. They shouldn’t think they owe a debt or are extra privileged and guilty, they shouldn’t try so hard, they should relax and enjoy this amazing life while they’re here.

If they’re addicted and they don’t want to be, they should f*%&ing stop using the thing they’re addicted to and WRITE DOWN THEIR THOUGHTS when they think “I have to smoke”.

They should understand that their thoughts and feelings are driving them crazy, not the substance. They should stop being so frightened, so discouraged, and so hard on themselves.

Let’s do The Work.

These people should stop insisting on doing The Work on themselves.

Is that true?

No.

How do I know?

It’s not happening.

Plus, I’ve watched concepts I’ve had about ME float through my consciousness, and been aware of questioning them, and how powerful it’s been.

I should have explained the process of self-inquiry using The Work much better to that new client…..is that true?

No. I didn’t.

How do I react when I believe people should stop doing The Work on themselves?

Irritated. Wanting to explain. Thinking that explanations would solve the problem.

Remembering my own life when I thought all it would take to be happy was me being different, doing therapy, me being strong, disciplined, full of willpower, determined, intentional, driven, clear.

With the thought, pictures of another friend pass through my mind.

A friend very, very determined to become enlightened.

I feel angry at her effort and her pushing, her bossy ways, her spouting off her opinions about other people and who is awake or not awake (ugh).

That same friend, I realize suddenly, sees herself in the same way this young man sees himself.

Not There Yet.

“I just need someone to kick my ass…” he said.

Really?

Pause.

Deep breath.

I got a little worked up there for a minute, reacting to the thought “people should stop doing The Work on themselves.”

So who would I be without the thought?

Without any thought that they should be any different than they are, that they should think any differently about themselves, or stop being so harsh and critical and controlling.

Without the thought they should stop thinking they need their ass to be kicked?

What would that feel like, as I sit picturing them in this moment?

I see myself over there, in their shoes.

I see someone with a huge enormous heart, so big they don’t want to judge others or hurt others.

I see someone full of passion, someone wanting to give to the world, someone understandably tired of their own fears, worries, doubts and false stories.

I think of this young man, and my friend, and sense their discouragement.

I feel compassion without the belief they should be any different than they are, including self-critical.

I feel lightness, too.

If I just got here from another planet, without any thought that these humans should be less critical of themselves….

….I would notice that’s not reality here.

Without these thoughts….

….I’d facilitate this man on his belief that he just needs to get organized.

I turn it around: people should keep doing The Work on themselves.

I should not be so harsh and critical of them, or of me. I should join them, being a normal mediocre human rather than a know-it-all.

They should think they owe, and I owe them and others and myself as well. I should keep trying hard, and so should my friend. I should relax and enjoy this amazing life, and these amazing people who are so brilliant, while they’re here.

I should stop using what I’m addicted to (My Brilliant Stories) and write them down and question them instead.

DOH!

I should understand how my thoughts are the things that hurt….and not even really those. I should stop being so hard on them, on me, on her, on him.

I shouldn’t do The Work on myself, as I’ve learned how it’s got this underlying motive that I need to change.

Or what the heck, maybe I SHOULD do The Work on myself, and see what happens with the critical voice that sees things so imperfectly sometimes, including me. See what’s left of it.

“The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is, is what we want…….There is only one mind, and people are going to tell us what we haven’t dealt with yet in their own thinking.” ~ Byron Katie

People are so dear, so adorable.

Aren’t we amazing, aren’t we all incredible in how sincerely we desire to be the best version of ourselves possible?

And I love and appreciate, bowing to the ground in gratitude, that this improvement is not all up to me.

Thank God, Thank God.

Much love, Grace

November 30, 2015

Stories. They won’t go away, or change, until you tell them.

People in my Eating Peace class are invited to keep a journal during the 3 months course together online.

Whenever I’ve taught this course, I suggest writing at least once a day, for five minutes if you can’t do anything more.

But it’s almost embarrassing….

I myself have been practically rebelling against journaling.

Again.

Even though, when I do it, it brings such clarity. As if I see the story I’m telling in vivid formation.

It has to come out into the open, when you write it down.

And sometimes….

….OK, maybe often….

….we humans hate this.

Can’t the thing that happened, or the meaning we’ve put to it, or the difficult incident, or the truly awful experience and the terrible accompanying thoughts….

….just GO AWAY?

I really do know better than to think something can “just go away”.

It doesn’t.

Even if it’s forgotten, it’s only buried and ready to crawl out of the grave at the perfect trigger moment, if you don’t look at it, share it (with yourself, with others) and question the story you’ve made from what you experienced.

Like, for example, holiday season.

People getting together, the weather and sky very dark, memories, hopes to gather, disappointments.

I suddenly realized the other day….

….after waking up with a terrible nightmare about being stuck in a weekend business mastermind conference that cost 5 million dollars….

….I not only need to slow down, I also need to go ahead and talk with myself.

By writing.

So even though part of me is complaining about it, I’m writing.

It’s astonishing the list of things I can find that feel upsetting.

I miss my mom who is traveling in Mexico with my aunt
I miss my dad who died 25 years ago and who would have been busy cooking for all the expected and invited guests
clients I’m working with feel the same awareness of holidays past and I hear their sadness and despair
I’m taking two trips in December and I’m nervous about both
my neck and hamstring injury site are hurting
I haven’t had a super close transformative conversation with my husband in quite awhile
I have two friends I feel distant towards and I notice I don’t write to them, or call them, because it might be hard or stir up feelings

In Brene Brown’s book Rising Strong, she talks about the arc of a story when someone “rises strong” and faces hurt in a way that brings more wisdom to life.

The Reckoning: get curious about your feelings, see how they connect to how you’re thinking and acting

The Rumble: own your story: get honest, then challenge your assumptions (gosh….that would be doing The Work!)

The Revolution: experience a new, braver story to change how we engage with the world and to ultimately transform the way we live

The act of simple writing of all your judgments, complaints, whining, stressful feelings allows you, allows me, to step on the path of this journey.

Without even starting there….

….I’m just a mish-mash of memories, pictures, sensations, feelings and disturbances.

Everything is unconscious, without having some way to look at it more slowly.

Writing seems to be the easiest way.

So today….

….give yourself the immense gift of journaling what’s going on inside that head of yours.

Yes, I know….it would be really fantastic if it would all just go away.

It would be great if we didn’t really have to feel the agony or pain of our stories, our memories, and drag through them again.

But it’s the only way I have ever found that they can get challenged, questioned, seen, digested.

It’s the only way I ever stopped “eating” over something, was to actually spend time with the “something”.

Then eating (or drinking, smoking, doing that escape thing) to shove it back underwater is of course no longer required, or even cared about, or in any way interesting.

Right after this, tonight, I’m going to write about the things I mentioned above that feel upsetting.

Will you join me?

Because only then can we begin to look, investigate, and have a rumble.

And only then can we experience the revolution that follows.

And THAT is a story I love.

Much love, Grace

November 29, 2015

If Money Breaks Your Heart

Just after the new year, I’ll begin offering time to do The Work on one of my favorite topics ever….

….Money.

Because it is rare that any of us, no matter what the quantity of money is in our lives, has NOT had a stressful thought about money.

We’ll embark on the latest newest version of an 8 week journey into investigating stressful thoughts when it comes to money. January 14-March 3, 2016 Thursdays 2-3:30 pm Pacific Time. $395 usual telesession fee, but for this class, you pick what you can pay.

Because, it’s about….money.

And deep inside, thoughts and beliefs about money are really about feeling safe, feeling supported, feeling like you’re not enough, feeling controlled, feeling guilty, feeling urgency, feeling scared, feeling worthy, feeling comfortable with surrender.

Register HERE. Let’s investigate money together and feel the joy possible when you question your stressful thinking, no matter how much money you have!

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Wanting anything, loving anything, thinking you need anything, can sometimes be very stressful.

Have you noticed?

If you think you want it, but you can’t have it….Uh oh.

Money, or a lover, fame, success, the big house you saw in that neighborhood, recognition, health….rest, peace.

The mind can take even a lovely, rather holy kind of idea…..

…..like achieving enlightenment…..

…..and make a project out of it, so it’s no longer joyful, genuine, or accessible.

You may believe what you want is good and sacred, or you may believe what you want is gross and wrong.

Either way, there can be deep stress in the wanting.

When something is desired that does NOT seem noble, or moral, or “good”….

….we often think we need to get rid of that desire.

Like, NOW.

Money often fits into this category, at least it did for me.

I wanted it, but at the same time I viewed it as a pain-in-the-ass, and like giving it away or not caring about it was more cool than keeping it.

I also looked at other people, the ones who wanted lots of money or made lots of money, and thought they were sometimes jerks.

Other desires I hate to admit are “bad” too.

If you are super attracted to Someone Else, and you are also married (the person to whom you are attracted is not your mate), Uh Oh.

If you are super attracted to fame and recognition and you secretly don’t care who you step on or step over as you climb the ladder up, Uh Oh.

If you are super attracted to money and you don’t stop to think about why but just push ahead for gaining more of it OR you dismiss your desire as BAD, Uh Oh.

All I know is, every time I tried to resist wanting something, without investigating all the interesting voices that wanted it, Uh Oh.

What I mean by Uh Oh is:

I’m in a dilemma, I’m torn between two things, I’m going to hurt someone or something no matter what I do, there’s no easy way, a battle must be fought, I have to strive, I have to force myself to stay on track or do the “right” thing, I am surrounded with unease or distrust.

What to do?

You know what I’m gonna say.

Do The Work!

But where should you begin?

Because there may be some very helpful ways to access what is really true for you, and feel more free.

First step….notice where you’ve felt irritated, or a slight hesitation, or worried about anything having to do with what you desire.

Let’s say you want more money (but you can do this with lovers, achievements, goals, what-you-wish-for).

Take a moment right now, take out a pen and paper, and consider Money.

When have you felt upset, even slightly, when it comes to hearing about money, being with money, going without money, focused on money in any way?

Immediately even right now, as I think about this, I see a few visions arise where my feeling was irritation, or anxiety, or confusion….

….and MONEY (that dastardly thing) was involved:

a client who doesn’t pay their invoice on time, repeatedly

a friend saying to me “everyone’s mindset towards money is pretty much the same from birth to death” (are you saying I’m trapped where I am? Eeek!)

another acquaintance saying to me “you’re going to have to do some serious work on money internally if you want to become wealthy” (why did you just say that, do I look poor?)

a very close friend sharing about her stock investments, but she still complains about needing to work hard (you have no idea how good you have it you whiner)

a good friend commenting on how her husband makes $350K per year and that’s why she doesn’t work (I wish I had someone supporting ME with that kind of income, you lucky beoch)

rage at my own tax bill, when I finally started to make a profit (the government is so greedy, selfish, and piggish)

fear because my husband, the man I picked to marry, was from a family who took a vow of poverty (what was I thinking, I will never get any bling, or surprise vacations to Hawaii)

hearing about people who are upset with spiritual teachers for charging so much money (only the privileged can get access to freedom I guess)

Ooooh, just watching the different scenes flow through my head, in pictures and visions, makes me MAD!!!!

I HATE money!

Ha ha.

Just kidding.

This is the key, in fact, to your own freedom when it comes to money, or anything.

Noticing where you feel intensity of feelings.

It has been for me.

Anger, jealousy, sadness, despair, fury, envy, irritation, pushiness, worry, anxiety, comparison.

Where any of these feelings arise, and the scenes that cause them to arise….

….is gold.

Write down these situations, these scenes you see in your mind.

What are your difficult moments, where money was involved, and you didn’t like what was going on, or you felt upset in any way?

Don’t edit yourself, or override your feelings with the thoughts “I shouldn’t think about this” because suppressing what you think is definitely not going to work.

The memories or scenes or situations or moments or conversations that come to mind, as you make a list of what has been upsetting when it comes to money…..

…..will be the situations that offer and teach you, personally, how to discover freedom with money.

When you identify what bothers you, THEN you can find true freedom, no matter what money is doing or where it is or who has it or doesn’t have it.

It all starts with you and your own personal experience of money.

What you were taught.

What you believe (repeatedly think).

Because only then, when you’ve got what you think is the “proof” that money is a problem….

….can you imagine what it would be like to not have that thought in the very same situation.

That’s when I’ve noticed, for me, the magic happens.

Can’t wait to continue the fun this January with Money: I Love This Story for 8 weeks.

It’s gonna be awesome.

“Spiritually inclined people and seekers of all kinds must contend well with other peoples’ money and with other peoples’ poverty. They must, more importantly, befriend their own uneasiness about their own money, or lack of it….Your breaking heart makes room for your soul’s work to be done.” ~ Stephen Jenkinson in Money And The Soul’s Desires

For everyone who enrolls in the telecourse in January, the 3 day Money Love retreat March 25-27, 2016 in Seattle is only $147 (materials and costs only). And you can donate more if you choose.

Much love, Grace

P.S. 12/12 afternoon mini retreat 1:30-5:30 a few spots available. Sign up HERE to join me in doing The Work from start to finish.