Grace, Author at Question with Grace

January 2, 2016

Heal Your Uglies

Do you ever get the uglies?

That’s what my youngest sister once labeled my 10th grade experience of looking at yourself in the mirror before you went to school, and feeling…..well…..

.…ugly.

Here

I have three younger sisters, and we all had our self-critical moments when we were young.

But one day, I was telling my little sister how the day before on my way in to school I felt awful and I didn’t want people to see me, but by the afternoon, after I had a blast at band practice and some fun joking around in the hallways, my favorite teacher commended me on a project I had done, and I pretty much forgot about it.

She nodded.

Oh I know what that’s like, she said.

“It’s just the uglies.”

She was 12.

How’d she get so smart?

Instead of actually focusing in on the details like they were true….

….like that your face was blotchy, your hair was oily and flat, your thighs were too big, you had a zit on the edge of your nose where it meets the cheek, your clothes weren’t cute, your jacket was dirty, your eyebrows were too thick, your stomach was gross…..

…..it was a way of describing a whole way of thinking.

The Uglies.

She was identifying a mood, a way of looking that made everything appear ugly, rather than believing something really WAS ugly.

Which is what happens to us sometimes, even as adults.

I’m sure you’ve noticed.

You’ve got your Uglies glasses on.

When you feel self-conscious, self-critical and dismissive towards yourself, there may be something else going on besides just a tendency to be self-critical.

Self-hate and self-criticism doesn’t just pop out of the sky into you.

You weren’t born with it.

I always find, if I get the uglies, I can ask myself…..

…..what’s going on?

What am I believing to be true right now?

What’s the inside of my head like in the moment, my perception of the world?

I know it’s a big question, but it sure is better than attacking yourself for a huge list of faults….

….and far more fruitful for digging out the root of the suffering.

When I see me as ugly, I’m almost always seeing something else as frightening, sad, confusing, or irritating.

Ugliness is in the mind.

Here’s a powerful question that I never dreamed of asking consciously when I was in tenth grade:

What am I afraid of?

You can make a list, if you like, of people you feel nervous around.

These are people you feel might be making decisions about whether you’re an attractive person, or an unattractive person.

Romantic partners, colleagues, co-workers, students, boys, men, girls, women, mom, grandpa, brother, aunt, boss.

What’s the worst that could happen, if they find you ugly?

(You might also consider what’s the worst that could happen, if they find you beautiful, if this fits for you).

When you start writing about what can happen if someone thinks you’re ugly, you might be amazed if you really allow your mind to go there.

they’ll reject me
I’ll be all alone
they’ll win, I’ll lose
she’ll fire me
I’ll never be happy, or loved
I won’t be part of the inner circle

Now you have a threat you’re more clearly aware of.

The suffering you believe occurs when you’re rejected, left, abandoned, fired, cast out, dismissed, hated.

From this point…..

…..with a clearly stressful belief about what it means if someone thinks you’re unattractive…..

…..you can inquire, and do The Work.

Guess what I noticed as I did The Work over time on everyone I was afraid of, all the people I thought were judging me and criticizing me, or abandoning me?

After doing The Work for awhile, when I glanced at myself in the mirror at the beginning of my day in the morning….

….I smiled.

I automatically saw someone cute, and supportive more of the time.

I saw an image looking at me that said “Oh Hi! There you are you absolutely adorable person!”

Seriously, I actually started thinking that, almost every time I saw myself.

I did not try to make myself see myself as kind and loving, it just happened.

It was the result of questioning my thoughts and seeing through eyes that those other harsh people in my life had not rejected, abandoned, hated, dismissed, abused, hurt, or betrayed me.

They may have said some pretty mean things, and taken some pretty dreadful actions….

….but I understand now….

….they had The Uglies.

In the Eating Peace retreat, one exercise we do is fill out the Judge Your Body worksheet.

We get to look at the parts of our bodies that we just can’t see as beautiful, and put the nastiest thoughts in our minds about the body on paper.

Some of us try so hard to be thin, have the right clothes, have the right gestures, put on the best makeup and dream of the perfect non-rejectable image.

But calming your worries and fears down by trying to make the body look right is so difficult.

And besides…..we get old, we decline, we get sick or hurt, we have imperfections.

Why not start relaxing all that effort right now….

….and put the intense energy of the Uglies into questioning your stressful beliefs, into questioning the stressful way you actually SEE?

You can do this.

Come join me January 22-24 for the next 3 Day Eating PeaceRetreat in Seattle area.

The more you question, the more you can take off those Ugly glasses.

Your natural eyes see beauty, love, kindness and acceptance.

I say this because if I can see the beauty now, anyone can.

Yes, even you.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. I am sending this note today to those of you on the Eating Peace mailing list as well as Grace Notes, as I know many people suffer from eating issues and body image concerns. The upcoming retreat is filling and I’d love to have you there, to support you healing your Uglies.

If you want to update your subscription to drop or add any Work With Grace mail, just click the tiny print below that reads Update Profile and feel free to make changes.

January 1, 2016

Live From The Mental Cleanse Last Day–Looking Forward to Being Abandoned

cleanse3 — From the Cleanse….wishing you a happy new mind 2016–thank you so much for joining me on this amazing journey of inquiry

The very last day of the Cleanse only lasts until 11:30 am.

Except Katie kept answer questions to the rapt audience until 12:39 when one of her staff crouched on the floor in front of her and said “Time!”

That morning, only one final courageous inquirer got up in the chair to do her work on her lost relationship, the one that got away, the heartbreak she still felt when she was reminded of that guy.

You could tell, she had already done a whole lot of work on this relationship.

She had made it past the sad and desperate part, past the time of finding stable ground again, past the part where she cried every night, past the part where she felt she couldn’t go on.

But she had heard a song on the airplane on her way to the Cleanse, this event.

A song she used to sing to her man about love….

….and boom.

The pain was back.

The most powerful part of this inquiry, for me, was at the very, very end when the woman in the chair had completed most of her worksheet, and already found great insight into living daily with the awareness that she alone was her one true partner.

Yes, that’s pretty amazing to sink into the sense of you being your truest partner.

Your best partner, your best friend, your greatest romance, your most exciting lover….you.

Amazing, in fact.

But that’s not where my heart had a twang of awareness for myself, and a movement of bitter-sweetness.

At the very end of this woman’s worksheet, she wrote on statement number six her stressful belief “I don’t ever want to be abandoned again.”

Now if you’re super familiar with The Work, you know that statement # 6 is a little different than all the previous concepts and thoughts and judgments you write down about the situation you find stressful.

This is the grand statement of them all.

What do you never, ever want to experience again in that situation?

She didn’t want to be abandoned again.

She had already found how this former partner had given her one of the greatest life lessons she could have ever dreamed of: strength, love for herself, standing on her own two feet, a sense of being rooted and and open heart to herself.

We were all right there with her, every step of the way through the inquiry process as Katie asked her the four questions.

But after you read that big final grand finale statement, instead of asking the four questions and turning it around, you do something different to open your mind up to other options.

At the end, you turn that big grand statement around.

Like this:

I am willing to be abandoned again.

I look forward to being abandoned again.

As this woman made these statements to hold them considerately, to find peace inside these possibilities….

….a different woman began to wail from the audience.

I couldn’t see who, because I was lying on the floor on my stomach taking notes, listening intently.

The cry and sobbing was so loud, Katie and the woman in the chair had to stop speaking a moment.

The sobbing softened, and Katie resumed.

And Katie turned towards the weeping woman and said “thank you for your authentic, honest tears.”

In that moment, I felt the incredible suffering I’ve experienced myself…..

…..and the love fire that comes out of a broken heart when you really find your own love for yourself rather than needing a partner to fulfill, help, save, or protect you.

I remember that pain of abandonment, and another old chunk of please-don’t-abandon-me plaster dropped away, hearing the wailing cries of a woman in the audience.

It was OK with me that she was crying.

I didn’t wish she would stop.

I didn’t need to know the details of what was going on.

I just knew how unbelievably magnificently heart-breaking it is to be aware of what it means to really say: I am willing to be abandoned again. I look forward to being abandoned again.

And I know that between a totally free me, and the thought that I’m being abandoned, are four questions called The Work.

Much love,

Grace

January 1, 2016

Bring the truth home about love–The Cleanse day #3

the freedom of questioning love….it grows

On a third day anywhere new, most people begin to feel more at home.

The basics are handled.

If I’m staying someplace for 3 days, by then I know where the bathrooms are, the closest places to get food or water, the quiet areas, where I can run or walk or exercise, what the neighborhood is like where I’m staying.

Being at the Cleanse, I’ve also found that my own mind after three days listening to The Work relaxes, opens, becomes comfortable with unraveling itself.

Willing to slow down, to stop.

To love what is.

Yesterday we heard from a woman whose daughter was murdered, a man who believed his wife kicks him when he’s down, and an incredible restaurant owner who has felt agony because of factory farms for meat, GMOs and corporations.

Another woman also investigated the belief that her son hates school, and a daughter did The Work on her needy elderly mother.

In the middle of all this powerful inquiry….

….Katie gave us all an exercise.

Do a positive worksheet, rather than the customary “negative” worksheet where you capture negative and stressful thoughts about a situation on paper.

Wow, how fascinating!

I have found, over the years, that ultimately what self-inquiry offers is the freedom to question all thought. Even thoughts that seem positive.

Anything the mind perceives can be questioned. It’s a more fluid, wild, magical world this way.

But I had never done Katie’s exercise.

She guided everyone through:

Remember a moment in time when you felt love for someone.

You said “I love you”.

Picture that moment vividly.

I pictured a sweet moment with my daughter. I saw images flashing through of my husband, my son, my mom, my sisters, my friends.

I tell a lot of people I love them. I feel my heart surge and I am deeply touched. I also hear “I love you” from a lot of people, too.

I felt no stress with thinking of this kind of moment, at least that’s what I thought initially.

But I love that Katie made the suggestion. She wanted us to consider the freedom of not having to know what’s going on, or to label something “love”.

The idea of love certainly does seem to cause a lot of turmoil in peoples’ lives. I felt very willing to go along with the exercise.

So….let’s take a closer look right now.

Is it true that you loved that person?

Simply notice. If you said “yes” can you absolutely know it’s true?

Are you sure you loved that person?

It’s totally OK to still say “yes”.

I found as I sat slowly with the inquiry…..I’m not even sure. Do I even know what love is? How do I know to say it? Why do I say it to some people, and not others? What is it I have to know about someone, or feel about them, in order to say it?

How do you react when you believe “I love you!”

People called out from the audience how they reacted. They said what they pictured, what they hoped for, what they expected, what they dreamed of when they said “I love you”.

Maybe you want to hear “I love you” back. Maybe you’re expressing your pleasure and approval of that person. Maybe you’re hoping this moment will last forever. Maybe you want that person to know they are loved, so they feel good (and you feel good).

Amazing to consider what love actually means.

Huh.

Imagine not knowing exactly what “love” is?

I suddenly became aware of love being a deep warmth, an energy, something present all the time, with everyone, and everything….and inexplicable. Not definable. Mysterious. Not attached to specific people.

Woah.

Wow.

So who would you be without the belief “I love you” in that situation?

People called out from the audience again.

Free. Expansive. Full of joy. Not obligated. No expectations. Satisfied. Grounded.

At peace.

Turning the thought around: I love myself. I do not love you. I love everyone. I love. I.

For some reason, this was the way my turnarounds unfolded.

I considered them all, wondering about them, saying them out loud. Finding examples of them. Feeling how they could be just as true, or truer, in this world of duality.

It’s been very true that I don’t love you when you say something mean or frightening, or act crazy or troubling. I don’t love you when you leave me. I don’t love you when you criticize me. I don’t love you when I feel pain in our relationship.

Was it really love, then?

It had conditions….is that love?

“Personalities don’t love-they want something.” ~ Byron Katie

Katie’s said it before, but she said it again yesterday during the exercise.

Turning it around again: I love myself, in that situation when I say I love you to someone.

I’m always supporting (or trying to) what’s best for me, and my relationship to the universe, and this is all I can do really.

Everywhere I go, I’m there. I’m always there!

I am my best companion–there’s nothing I can actually do about it!

Another turnaround: I love everyone. I love life. I love humanity. I love this incredible world, this astonishing journey.

And then….there is no “you” and no “me” and no specific thing called “love” that is special in only that moment with me being the one doing it and saying it’s true.

Love is.

Everywhere. Any time.

With everyone.

And when it’s not….The Work.

“Bring the truth home to yourself and begin to set yourself free. It’s no longer necessary to wait for people or situations to change in order to experience peace and harmony. The Work is the direct way to orchestrate your own happiness.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

December 31, 2015

Un-doing 1000 Years of Suffering–Day #2 at the Cleanse.

Sitting at an event, listening, drinking in what’s going on is so incredibly sweet.

Day 2 of the Mental Cleanse in Los Angeles.

The day is mapped out and scheduled, there’s a huge conference room with many chairs all lined up for the audience, and on stage two big comfy chairs for Byron Katie and whomever is sitting with her investigating something troubling about the human condition.

Yesterday, five different people shared, and some were the kind of situations I thought, when I first encountered The Work….

….you can’t really question THAT situation and find peace….

….can you?

A teenager hearing horrible voices, a drunk husband who peed in the hallway, a young woman who had been sexually molested by a step father, terror of the huge earthquake coming to the west coast of the US, and the impending death of aging parents.

These are some of what we think of as the greatest difficulties of life.

At least I’ve thought it.

Relationships are maybe one thing, or being annoyed at your job, or not having enough money, or running out of gas in your car, or missing a flight, or a family feud….

….but death? Earthquakes? Abuse?

Is it possible to come to peace with very frightening events?

Yes.

That’s what I know and remember as I sit listening, hearing these brave people do their work, and doing my own.

Every time someone goes up into the chair to work on stage, it’s really an investigation for all of us. We’re all here sharing the questioning of these stories that appears tragic in the human condition.

We’re doing it together.

Katie said to the audience….

….“you can un-do 1000 years of suffering this morning.”

By getting very still and inquiring.

By asking, is it true, that thought you’re thinking? That image you’re seeing?

Isn’t it just a memory? Is a memory reality?

Can you be in this present moment, looking around, feeling what is here, seeing, hearing….

….without being so sure bad stuff could happen any minute?

Are you sure those things are as insurmountable, impossible, sick, violent, horrible, and debilitating as you’ve believed?

Are you OK in this moment? Did you make it through?

I keep noticing…..yes.

I’m right here.

What is this that’s right here? Who is this? What is this life I’m living? What is suffering? What is peace?

“Every time we do this work, we’re answering the question: who am I?” ~ Byron Katie yesterday at the Cleanse

And that’s the most exciting thing to wonder about, ever.

Much love,

Grace

December 30, 2015

Live From The Mental Cleanse

I’m in Los Angeles for the annual event called the Mental Cleanse with Byron Katie.

Once again, I am touched deeply by what it’s like to do The Work in a group.

And this is a big group–several hundred people in a giant convention room in a hotel near the airport.

There’s an empty chair up on the stage next to Katie, and who knows who will be the next person in the chair.

We get to hear that person’s situation they’re wanting to investigate, the moment in their lives when they felt irritation, sadness, anxiety, or immense frustration.

Yesterday we listened to four brave peeps.

The thing I absolutely love about doing The Work in a huge group like this, is that after the process of inquiry–taking each concept through the four questions and turnarounds–Katie turns out to everyone else and asks….

….what’s your takeaway? Your feedback?

What did you learn from your own life situation?

I love that as I listen, I don’t have to even try to find situations to work on or look at. The other people in the chair are doing it for me!

I can simply trust the process of sitting, being present in the room, hearing a human situation that brings stress, or agony, and suffering through the way it has been perceived.

A woman did The Work on a psychic who told her she would die at age 72.

Another woman did The Work on her boyfriend who keeps suggesting she get a job rather than try to run a private practice.

A man did The Work on a friend who argues too much about dumb things like which app is better, or which car model.

As the people describe their situations, we picture the scenario.

It’s like I’m right there….and I don’t even know these people!

The mind is amazing like that. It creates a movie instantly and fills in the details the more it hears the scene described.

The problem enters when we begin to believe what we see is absolutely true. Taking it very seriously. Holding it as threatening. Chalking it up to a moment on earth that’s dangerous.

Isn’t it amazing, I thought yesterday, that in any of these situations we’ve experienced in life, whether we’re thinking about death or an annoying loved one….

….it’s because we’re threatened in some small or big way.

What is threatened?

Our sense of “me” being here, in tact, living it’s own life.

My identity.

Me, me, me and my survival and success here.

Katie chuckled, looked down a moment, and commented on something so simple, so automatic, so universal, and the source of our anxiety, fear, suffering, emotional pain.

Our thoughts.

The ego mind tries so hard to protect its identity, she said, to keep the identity of the self in place….

….and it will work so very hard to do it, maybe extra hard when it’s particularly threatened, because secretly it knows….

….it doesn’t actually exist.

All that work for nothing!

Ha ha.

The mind is so funny.

So today, I’m enjoying watching the images, memories, and thoughts float by of what I’ve thought to be “bad” or “good” about “my” life….

….seeing how it’s only a movie.

Right now, what’s happening in “my” world is a quiet and beautiful expansive hotel lobby with swirly feathery greenish carpet, screens playing in the distance with people talking about the news and football players running, music on the speakers, murmurs of voices of people in the distance in clumps, and this writing coming out.

And of course, none of it is “mine”.

It was just a flash of life from this perspective for a moment in time.

Much love,

Grace

December 28, 2015

If I had six figures….I’d be more successful….are you sure?

If I had more money....I'd be successful....are you sure? — If I had six figures….I’d be successful….are you sure?

I’m sending this out as I take off from the Seattle airport to Los Angeles, heading for my first New Year’s Mental Cleanse event in a few years with Byron Katie.

I can’t wait to hear the people who get up on stage and so bravely share themselves vulnerably with a room full of about 300-500 people.

Wow.

That’s a lot!

And many of these folks who get to do The Work with Katie will be filmed and recorded, and the conversations they have with Katie will go on youtube and head out onto the internet, inspiring others to also investigate suffering.

It’s a pretty courageous act to be willing to expose oneself in this way.

A very long time ago, when I was in the hospital inpatient treatment program for eating disorders, I got to write my autobiography.

At first, I was soooooo grossed out.

Write down the horrible details of my addictive and painful process?

For other people to read?

Please no. Not that.

The eating, bingeing, drinking, smoking, shop-lifting, boyfriends, scarcity, quitting jobs, frequent moving, dropping out of college, vicious judgments towards myself and others.

I had what they call a huge in-to-me-see problem.

An intimacy problem.

Which I’ve heard said is the root of all addictive processes.

Nowadays, I appear to write about whatever comes to mind about myself and share what it is like to both believe, and un-believe, these thoughts.

It’s pretty intimate, I guess.

And sometimes, I still feel shame, or the urge to keep something to myself.

Like about money, for example.

Not long ago, I received a one-time individual mentoring session for being a part of a class (I love learning all kinds of things, and often sign up for classes–one at a time is my only rule).

This class was for small business owners and learning how to connect with other people to support business growth.

Only a handful of people “won” the opportunity to have a one-on-one session with the teacher, who had an MBA and was successful at starting several businesses, even though she was a bit younger than me.

I wasn’t sure what to ask her, we only had 30 minutes.

When I sat still and wondered what my biggest question was about running my little business, the answer came to mind “What is my next step to make more money?”

Another part of me immediately responded with…..

…..“OH COME ON!! Still? Can’t you get over the whole I-Am-Not-There-Yet thing when it comes to MONEY??!!”

When we got on the phone together, I blurted out the shameful truth.

“I haven’t made 6 figures yet!”

Honestly, it’s almost embarrassing to write this in Grace Notes, because of all the “six figure” rhetoric.

I was embarrassed to tell her I had not yet made six figures in my business, and embarrassed to tell you I cared.

Six figures means, in case you don’t know, that in Canadian or US dollars you are making 100,000 (count the digits–it is SIX) per year. Maybe for euros this little saying also works. But you get the picture.

It’s a milestone marker in business growth. Six figures kinda means you’re cruising along, getting to a basic operational stage with running a successful small business.

Except.

I thought “I have to keep it a secret that I don’t make six figures”….

AND at the very same time….

….with this business mentor, I felt embarrassed about not making six figures.

Jeez.

What inquiry to even investigate?

I should have more money / I shouldn’t / I want more money / I don’t want / I need more money / I don’t need / I care about money / I don’t care.

This would require a more subtle examination of the stories present.

The world could judge me!

My business mentor could judge me!

Oh….one at a time!

Right!!

In This Situation (with the business mentor and our session)….

….she’ll think I’m a loser, small potatoes, insignificant, unorganized, bag-lady potential, and a dork when she learns I make less than six figures.

And this would be bad because……why?

Because I want her to like me, to believe in me, to help me, to teach me, to support me into riches.

Is that true?

Well, yes!

Such an impulse to say “yes” if I’m looking at money, money, money, just money.

And yet….let’s get more specific.

She is more successful than I am, she makes more money. She knows now (because of my confession) what I make. I am not as good as she is, because of this number.

Is that absolutely true?

No.

How do I react when I believe in comparing numbers, in amounts of money, in this woman being more successful than me because she makes more money than me?

Yikes, it’s a bummer.

Images flash through my head of people and the amount of money they “make”.

Even though, I actually do not know how much they make. (Interesting point).

I’m sure they make a lot, because of their excitement, the way they speak, what they do, what they buy, the clothes they wear….

….that they are totally making a ton of money.

I read my mentor’s words if she writes, I hear what she says if she speaks, I deduct that if she has four full-time employees she’s rocking it, she’s inventing a ten-year plan, she’s succeeding, she’s successful, she’s already succeeded.

Who would I be without this comparison?

Without this belief that she is more successful than I am since she makes more money?

Wow.

Without the belief that the amount of money someone makes means they are succeeding, or succeeded, or will succeed in the future?

Holy smokes.

It’s hilarious.

Huh. Pause. Wait. (Silence).

Turning the thought around: she is NOT more successful than I am.

I’m far more successful at being Grace, at being the person who struggled massively with self-hate and addiction and depression and confusion and quitting jobs and treating money rudely….

…..and then found balance, and steadiness, and contact with reality, and money, in just the right way for me.

I have enough money.

I know nothing about her daily life, really.

Examples also float through of all the very wealthy people I’ve known who report that they are unhappy, who are the same as me only with a lot of money, or who spend money but feel no grounding or peace or joy or rest.

Turning it around again: I am more successful than her (with money). How could this be just as true?

Well, I’ve lived about 15 years longer, so my hands may have touched more money over time. I’ve known what it’s like to live with nothing and be eligible for food stamps and survive. It’s kind of a fun, dramatic story.

I have NO IDEA what she considers. I am more successful at being myself than her. That’s 100% truer.

Turning it around one more time: I am more successful than my thinking, especially when it comes to money.

Ha ha ha!

When I even start to think about money, I enter comparisons, I judge, I analyze, I wonder, I get scared, I see other people as better or worse off, I’m like a Comparison Machine with money flying hither and yon in all directions.

I see riches, and wealth, and poverty, and lack….

….just like we all do.

And what is here, right now, without a thought about money?

Air. Space. Quiet. Images. Stories. Fantasies. Joy. Laughter. Not Knowing. Fun. Truth.

Intimacy.

If you notice your mind getting turned on by money and comparing who makes what and who doesn’t make what and who has it and who doesn’t have it and who uses it best and who doesn’t use it well and who makes it easily and who doesn’t make it easily and who is lucky and who is unlucky and who is successful and who is failing…..

…..no matter how much money you have…..

…..you might want to join the 8 week MONEY teleclass coming up on Thursdays starting January 14th from 2-3:30 pm Pacific Time.

We deeply look at situations, and share ourselves honestly, and grow up into greater wisdom about money.

And get this.

It’s by donation (suggested $150 – $395).

Only 4 spaces left.

What have you got to lose?

(Ooooh, great question. We’ll be looking at that one).

Special retreat to do The Work and inquiry on Everything Money is March 25-27, 2016 in Seattle. Come celebrate the exploration of money, making it, losing it, keeping it, playing with it here on planet earth. We will have so much fun.

“Isn’t it for safety, or you would be beyond pain, beyond suffering [if you got more money]? Isn’t it about finally being safe? Finally being secure? But aren’t you safe right now? Skip the trip! Everything you ever wanted is here, safe, now. Is money really hard to make? God is everything….but not THAT. Except for my beliefs, it’s a very simple thing. I know where to go, what to do, when to do it. It can look like a billion dollars, or ten dollars, I’m wealthy. I had something to do with making the money….is that true? That’s why we have people born in poverty, in wealth, so we can see that we have nothing to do with it.”

~ Byron Katie in 1990s during weekend on money and business.

Much love,

Grace

December 26, 2015

I have to stretch right now…..a story of suffering.

Meetup today! 2-4 pm at Goldilocks Cottage in northeast Seattle.

**************

fear — But I really have to do that RIGHT NOW….are you sure?

I was pregnant with my son (he is now 21 years old).

It was the beginning of the sixth month.

I looked down in amazement, for the hundredth time, at the way the belly stretched out in a round smooth balloon shape.

I was observing the process of a life coming into form, and simply….

….move itself along.

I still frequently remember this moment vividly.

Because, even though I continuously was fascinated, almost in awe of having this experience…..

….something that day was different.

Suddenly, I realized it was not “my” belly.

I was looking at “a” human belly that was doing it’s own thing and was being run by the universe, or God, or Life (whatever you like calling the great mystery of it all).

It was like there was something watching the whole thing, being stunned and amazed at having no idea how this all happens, or why, or wherefore, and awareness of not being in charge whatsoever.

And then a voice inside said to me like hearing someone talk out loud practically…..

…..remember how great it is to stretch?

The feeling of stretching like a cat to the ceiling and sucking in as the stomach flattens.

The sensation of languidly reaching.

The sensation of breathing deeply, then raising arms over a head, and feeling the back bone and stomach come much closer together, all the organs and guts and everything inside the torso moving with a slight back bend and a melting in and up.

I used to do gymnastics, but it had been a long time since a back bend or a walkover.

Except right NOW….

….I can’t do that. I’m pregnant.

Then, an inner voice, yelling.

DON’T THINK ABOUT WANTING THAT!!

You can’t have it!!!!!

A little wave of fear coursed through me.

This body can’t do that move in this condition. It will be a long time, many many weeks, until stretching like that is possible.

I know this sounds really melodramatic, right?

Oh My God what a TERRIBLE thought……

……to want to stretch and not be able to!

But it was weirdly serious, strangely full of warning. Do not go beyond this point.

You are in a course of events that are unknown, and all you can do is go along for the ride.

Do NOT wish for something right now that is not possible in reality.

Including the simple act of stretching.

That would be painful.

Now, when I think about how vivid and clear that moment was, it’s like a foggy window got completely wiped free, or a round circle got popped out with those fancy and brilliant glass cutters.

But it’s kind of weird to talk about it, because who has such a moment of insight about not being able to stretch during pregnancy!

Not being able to stretch is so no big deal. What a weirdo.

But I STILL remember that moment, and some unexplained wisdom appearing from within that KNEW that spending anything more than the split second I did of longing for something different….

….was a way to create suffering for myself.

Actually to create it out of thin air.

Wanting something that wasn’t possible.

Wow.

I could wait until later.

I would HAVE to, in fact.

I knew right then that going with the flow of what was happening was far, far, far easier than complaining internally about what was happening in my body and what I couldn’t do at the moment.

What I didn’t see at the time, was the wisdom of how this applied to absolutely everything about reality.

I had no idea.

If I argue with what is going on in my life, the natural trajectory I am not controlling….

….then I will lose the argument.

The arguing itself will give me nothing but angst and suffering, frustration, wishing, longing, sadness, annoyance.

“Am I better off making up an alternate reality in my mind and then fighting with reality to make it be my way, or am I better off letting go of what I want and serving the same forces of reality that managed to create the entire perfection of the universe around me?” ~ Michael Singer in The Surrender Experiment

Today, I love that right in this moment (I just did it) I stood up and stretched to the ceiling.

Now, it turns out, is good for stretching in this body.

But that hasn’t always been the case, and there will be a time again in the future when it isn’t again.

If you find your mind is upset about what you can’t do, have, achieve, accomplish….

….question your need to do that right NOW.

It’s not about giving up dreams or visions, or falling into an uncaring depressed apathy.

Just noticing who you would be without the belief you need to stretch, when you absolutely can’t in this moment?

“Perfection is another name for reality. The only way you can see anything as imperfect is if you believe a thought about it. ‘It’s inadequate, it’s ugly, it’s unfair, it’s flawed’—is that true? This chipped coffee cup on the table: how beautiful it is when you simply look at it, without any thought of what it should be.” ~ Byron Katie

Are you truly interested in ending my way of thinking that results in suffering?

Yes, Yes, Yes.

Much love,

Grace

December 24, 2015

It shouldn’t be dangerous

I enter a coffee shop with my laptop in my bag, ready to write.

Ready to inquire into something interesting, and commonly stressful.

Not sure what will come to mind to investigate, I buy my Rooibos tea and find a seat in the long, fairly full cafe.

There are empty tables spotted throughout the large space.

I do that thing where I place myself just about evenly between other groups, or tables where people are sitting, glancing slightly at the environment, placing my laptop facing away from a guy in the corner who has a….busy….energy, for want of a better word.

I take off my coat and place it on the opposite chair to the one I’ll be taking, and sit with my back to that guy.

I open my laptop, and I hear the guy say something.

“Can I open my mouth? Hey! I’m talking to you. Can I open my mouth? You! The one with the hat. Can I open my mouth?”

It’s an angry, haunted kind of question that doesn’t make sense.

I don’t have on a hat.

I don’t think he’s talking to me.

Although I did just have a hat on as I came in, and I placed it inside my bag. Was he looking at me before, when I entered the cafe?

Wait, is he on the phone maybe?

I look carefully.

“Can I open my mouth? Can I?”

He’s got weird eyes, rather intense.

I get up for a glass of water before starting to write in earnest, and he’s staring straight at me and still saying the same words. Like super sarcastic and creepy.

I get the water. My phone lights up as my good friend is calling me and I pretend to answer her call even though I know she’s just leaving me an important message and it’s not necessary for me to pick up.

I actually fake that I’m saying “hello” while gathering my stuff and I move to the front of the cafe, the opposite end from this quiet back area. I carry my full cup of tea in one hand, and the phone in the other, with coat and laptop and sweater tucked under my arms.

I sit by the big street window near the very front of the cafe instead.

No big deal.

But I notice a pretty stressful belief come through.

I stop the other writing I’m doing, on something completely different, and decide to write on this instead.

I’m creeped out.

Inside I’m saying “this place always is weird. It’s a strange coffee shop. There are weirdos in it every time, or just a weird feeling. It’s too dark. The music is sort of horror movie-ish. I shouldn’t come in here alone. This place is like the Devil’s Triangle.”

I kind of chuckle, though.

Not true.

Who would I be without these thoughts?

I’m being a little extreme, right?

I just happen to look up at movement out on the sidewalk after someone has left the cafe and I felt the cold air from several feet away from the door opening and closing. A person is walking by right outside the window I’m sitting next to now.

I catch the eyes of the same man, directly through the glass, looking in at me.

The guy who kept saying “Can I open my mouth?” like he was furious, and insane.

I look down and start to type, looking in a nonchalant way at the screen of my laptop.

I can see him standing there out of the corner of my eyes, maybe staring back at me. Not moving. Body still there.

Still there.

All of this through my peripheral vision.

I’m typing this.

Then I see him turn, and head down the dark, night time, wet street in the rain.

I don’t look up for a long time.

A moment like this can happen to anyone, anywhere.

What actually occurred?

Nothing much.

A man was acting angry, and sarcastic, and talking to someone, or himself out loud. Maybe talking to me.

I guess I knew to move away, to not engage.

But I want to inquire into the creeper energy, the one that says “it’s ALWAYS like this in this coffee shop. It’s dangerous.”

It shouldn’t be dangerous. He shouldn’t have been in here. He was too weird. Typical, for this coffee shop.

Is that true?

Yes.

I’d like to be able to come up here, buy tea, and not be worried about who or what is in this place! Jeez!!

I want to come and go as I please…..everywhere I please.

No weirdos!

Really?

Well.

No.

Something seems very unrealistic and a little off about that idea.

It really does not appear to be true.

How do you react when you think the thought that this place shouldn’t be dangerous, and I shouldn’t encounter a man talking angrily out loud or staring at me through the window?

Deciding I am never coming here again.

Freaked out.

Writing this.

Cold. Shivering even.

Checking the time until the dance class down the street begins.

Who would I be without the belief this place shouldn’t be dangerous and creepy?

I look up at a painting on the wall. It’s the body of a bride in a white satin dress, holding pale purple flowers, with a completely black body and black face full of dots of stars, no face at all, and geometric black hexagon shapes for hair that blend into a fully black background.

I notice, for some people, this might not be creepy at all. Lots of people are here, in fact.

But what if it is creepy, for me?

No need to fight anything.

Am I safe in this moment?

Very.

Without the thought, I notice I’m physically very, very safe….and I may not come hang out here any time soon.

Without the thought that it shouldn’t be dangerous, I notice I have fun noticing when something is, but not in a furious, deep, or defiant way.

It’s like the way I also know not to cross the freeway on foot, or jump out of an airplane, or contact that one friend right now, or climb Mt. Everest. People can do those things, and I find I’m not interested or drawn.

Maybe I don’t like when really angry-sounding people are talking around me, or staring at me. It’s OK not to like that.

Turning the thoughts around: it should be dangerous.

Well, it’s bringing this kind of “creeped out” feeling to my attention and giving me this wonderful opportunity to inquire into when these kinds of movements happen, without malice or anger or big fear myself.

In fact, I hardly feel any fear at all in my body.

I’m sitting, enjoying the typing flow, listening to the murmur of other voices, seeing the lights are on and people are drinking coffee and tea. I notice I’m not leaving yet and I’ll be a little late for the dance class and it’s fine with me.

Turning it around again: my thinking shouldn’t be dangerous, I shouldn’t be dangerous, especially in this situation.

For all I know, that guy thought I was.

I have no idea what he was concerned about, but it was important to him.

My thinking began to remember proof of moments being creeped out here before, but honestly, I can’t really remember anything specifically that ever happened.

I just notice, I don’t like the atmosphere. It’s dark and eerie and the art and music creates an ambiance of the macabre.

So maybe I’ll go dance class now.

And I’ll be on alert as I walk down the street, noticing movements and people and shadows. It’s the wise, interesting thing to do.

Nothing wrong with it.

My mind is a great story-teller. Creating images, and nervousness and spooky ideas about the man in the corner.

Turn Around: it shouldn’t be safe.

Oh. Got it.

With this whole situation, I have no idea what any of it really was. I may have misunderstood (probably).

I have no idea of that man’s orientation, who he saw as he looked, who he was talking to, what he was meaning, or if he was crazy.

I’ve experienced that same confusion, about myself!

Maybe he was me, looking at me through a window, telling the story about a dark and stormy night and creepiness and the vital question about if he can open his mouth.

I notice nothing actually happened.

I was completely, absolutely “safe”.

It should be dangerous. He should have been in here and I shouldn’t have been. I was too weird. Typical, for this mind.

And it doesn’t mean that’s now my favorite coffee shop.

I don’t think so.

Much love,

Grace

December 21, 2015

In the middle of the gym, the sound of “shhhhhhh”

Upset with the noise? Listen to the sound of "shhhhh". — Upset with the noise? Listen to the sound of “shhhhh”.

A moment at the gym.

The guy in front of me answers his cell phone.

His voice is very loud. I can hear everything he says. He’s talking about finishing a deal of some kind, and it’s definitely work-ish-related.

“We need to get them to the table as soon as possible….blah blah blah…”

My eyes burrow into the back of his head.

Will. You. Be. Quiet.

What a disturbing, inconsiderate man.

He hangs up.

*Finally*

I can go back to my reading of the Tao Te Ching while pouring with sweat.

Two minutes pass.

Another man comes down the aisle-way behind me VACUUMING.

SOAB, doesn’t anyone know how to hush up around here?!!

He is actually vacuuming around the wheels of the machine I am riding.

Seriously?

My eyes bore into the page.

But somehow, at the very same time (that’s the amazing part) another place within is basically entirely undisturbed.

Rolling Stones are playing “I Miss You” on the gym speakers.

Who would I be without this thought that everything needs to be quiet?

Including my own mind?

I close my eyes.

I hear feet plopping on a running treadmill, to the beat of the song. I feel air from a nearby fan blowing gently across my right forearm. I feel the fabulous pounding of my heart, steady, happy. I hear these thoughts come and go. I hear a squeak from a machine needing WD40.

I open my eyes.

I see rain pattering in a puddle on the black asphalt through the window, and yellow lines someone painted “NO”….”LANE”.

I see a gray car wish windshield wipers going, turning right while facing my direction. I see cars 100 yards away moving back and forth along an arterial, navy blue, light blue, red, brown. Woman’s white coat in square shapes. Red stop sign. Green trees, unmoving, always in the same place just past the Jiffy Lube. Gray speckled carpet. Round speckled speaker in the ceiling.

Who am I without these thoughts?

What is it that needs to have everything get quiet?

Who actually needs to shut up?

I could say “I do”.

I could move into thoughts about what I need to do, where I should be, how I shouldn’t condemn what is around me, and how I need more practice.

But then….

….even that thought splashes down into the earth and fades away.

No improvement necessary.

Who wants the improvement?

Who demands something different?

What else is here, besides the noise outside and inside?

Right there on the bike, I stretch both arms out wide as wide can be and feel ecstasy of the space all around this body, and how far it extends.

In my mind I see an image of the green wicked witch of the west riding her bike in the middle of a Kansas tornado, cackling with glee in Dorothy’s dream.

Hear the music?

Everything pulsing in this magnificence of a moment on earth in apparently the Pacific Northwest, inside a gym, watching repetitive movement everywhere. Legs pumping, clock hand sweeping, other legs running, light shining through a window, rain pattering, music playing, heat generating, up and down, in and out, dark and light, hearing and silence.

Nothing wrong with this brain doing its thinking, joining in on the clamor and orchestra of the moment.

He should not be quiet. It should not be quiet. They should not be quiet. I should not be quiet.

But something holds it all.

Something is already quiet.

Glory, glory.

Oh, without thinking something needs to be done, or something is missing, or something is too big and loud…..

….I just noticed the sound of “shhhhhhh”.

Hear it?

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Grace at the gym: puppetji.

December 20, 2015

Who do you think is gross? Inquiry to the rescue!

Thoughts about someone else doing unmentionable addictive things? Do The Work for freedom!

Do you have someone in your life who repeatedly acts a certain way, and you find it disturbing?

Almost funny to ask the question….because if you give yourself even a few minutes to consider it….you can probably find it.

Yeah, now that you mentioned it….

Amazing, though, how frightening it is for people to see this part of the mind that objects to someone else and what they’re doing, or saying, or feeling.

But give yourself the amazing gift of inquiry today, if you’ve noticed some small (or large) behavior in someone else you don’t appreciate or like.

It doesn’t mean you are a bad person, if you have something like this you notice, if you have something about another person that bothers you.

Not at all.

It means you’re a human being, with a brain.

Long ago I was dating someone who was very caustic, opinionated, intense, and hilarious, and in a great deal of pain–in both my opinion and his opinion.

I had The Work, so I knew to question my thoughts.

I did quite a few worksheets on this guy!

Because of the number of worksheets and stressful thoughts about him, there were a few times when I thought “I should give up!”

What good was this to repeat the same complaints over and over again about this individual?

The thing is, that’s a nice thought to have, EXCEPT….

….giving up doesn’t really work either.

“You either question your thoughts, or you believe them….there is no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie

Your thoughts don’t just decide to dissolve, diminish or go away never to reappear again if you think “it’s no use, I can’t get rid of these thoughts.”

Because you’re trying to get rid of them!

How do you feel when someone tries to get rid of you?

So let’s take a look at a situation when someone is doing that super irritating thing again, or that discouraging thing, and you feel upset about it.

The place I found it repeating itself for me?

He shouldn’t be addicted.

I know other humans suffer deeply with this belief about people they love.

She shouldn’t drink. He shouldn’t smoke. They shouldn’t use drugs. He shouldn’t engage in that activity. She should stop cleaning,trying to be perfect, exercising, working. He should stop watching TV, gambling, having affairs.

The person I thought of over and over again who should not be addicted was troubled by his pornography use. He paid a lot of money for it, he went on binges with it, he swung from zero sexual contact to compulsive sexual contact with other people.

He was incredibly unhappy, he reported.

Yet, he couldn’t stop signing up for membership porn sites, and paying for sexual encounters, or even masturbating.

I know this may seem shameful to speak of, but replace this obsessive activity with eating, or drinking, or smoking. Just notice anything you feel the urge to hide.

It’s the same kind of shame.

Having the judgments feels shameful, too. I shouldn’t be judging him for this. I shouldn’t bring it up. Ew.

But there I was, dating someone with this kind of compulsion to do things that felt sexually stimulating.

I had a few thoughts.

He should control himself. He’s disgusting. He should have real relationships with people (with me) instead of using people to get off all the time. He should quit pushing for peak experiences and become interested in the valleys as-where most of us live. He should quit participating in the sick sex industry. He is immature, gross, inaccessible, unable to be intimate. I don’t ever want to date a man who uses porn again.

Phew.

See, I can still find the thoughts all right there, as I remember this relationship and how I saw him even though it was many, many years ago. The situation is still accessible to me.

Step #1: get all the vicious, mean, nasty, discouraged thoughts out on paper. Write it all down. All of it.

Step #2: One concept at a time, have someone walk you through inquiry–the four questions.

Like this.

Is it true that he should stop doing that behavior?

Yes. Dear God, yes.

Some mothers and fathers feel this way about their addicted kids. So much terror and angst, they might walk the streets at 2 am trying to find their kid. So much sadness.

Are you sure, are you absolutely positive this is true?

If you say yes again, no problem.

I understand.

I do see, from doing this work, that Reality appears to have addictive people living in it.

Reality includes a mind that believes, and gets so upset it thinks to escape with some activity or substance.

So for me, personally, I’m not really sure it’s absolutely true anymore. I also see how addiction brought me to my knees, and then to God/Reality/Source/Freedom.

How do you react when you believe he or she should not be operating the way they are operating, in the throes of addiction?

Screaming on the inside.

One huge “noooooo!”

Frightened half to death, enraged, wanting to hit something.

Who would you be without these thoughts?

Who would you be without the belief that this person you care about should stop that activity?

Who would you be in that same situation when they are doing it, or you learn about them doing it, and you aren’t hating it, or against it with all your might?

What if it was not personal?

Sometimes in this question, people think…..but….

….I would walk away, if I didn’t have this belief, and this would be terrible and even worse, and very sad.

I would quit fighting, and if I quit fighting I wouldn’t be there for them, or help them, and I’d be all alone. I would be the one who abandoned them. Oh no, I couldn’t do that, I have to keep the thought “they should stop” or else they (and I) will go to hell in a hand basket!

But are you sure THAT is true?

Do you really think everything is on YOU to be The One to turn that person around?

Are you the one in charge here?

I noticed, I wasn’t.

When I did this work in earnest, I suddenly realized, in this question four, that I had no idea how to be with my friend without the thought that he needed my help.

Wow.

Some might call that a big ego. Heh heh.

But I was willing to find out what it was like without being a “helper” or being someone who thought this other person needed to change.

Because, as mentioned, the way I was when I believed the thought also did not work. At all.

Instead of listening to long explanations of what, why or how this man I cared about entered his addictive behavior, I let it all rest.

(All those conversations were really incredible, by the way, and enlightening, and I saw how much I shared with him around wanting to escape the world).

Instead of having an End Goal to have this behavior stop, I stopped.

The relationship completely changed.

And then, ended in its current format.

No need for further communication.

No talking, no phone calls, no seeing each other….as it turned out.

Turning the thoughts around about this man and his pornography use:

I should control myself from being so addicted to helping him. He’s not disgusting. I should have real relationships with people (and with myself) instead of using helping people to get off all the time.

Wow.

I should quit pushing for peak experiences (bliss and happiness) and become interested in the valleys–where I usually live. I should quit participating in his sick sex industry by getting all freaked out about it.

I am immature, gross, inaccessible, unable to be intimate with him, or with myself (especially when I have a constant agenda of him not using).

And finally, I am willing to be in contact with people who are using porn again. I look forward to being in contact with them.

That’s 100% true.

Because I learned so much about compulsive sexual behavior from that amazing man, I have the ability to support people through inquiry and exploring their addictive process, without judgment.

I know it’s exactly the same as I was with food.

And it’s not like I haven’t had thoughts about sexuality and sexual experience–everyone has thoughts about this, all worthy of questioning if what you’re thinking is stressful.

It’s exactly the same as I’ve been over and over again with believing my stories are true.

“If you want to govern the people, you must place yourself below them. If you want to lead the people, you must learn how to follow them.” ~ Tao Te Ching #66

Ahhhhh yes.

I had learned also that sexuality was shameful, and worthy of hiding, and never discussing. I’ve pretended I didn’t have huge desires and passions for ecstatic experience of all kinds. I’ve been pulled into craving and fantasy, and worried it was wrong.

No different.

Thank you inquiry, for leveling out the playing field.

Much love,

Grace