In the fourth month of Year of Inquiry, we look at our complaints.
We use an awesome exercise that I first did at Byron Katie’s School for The Work, a 9 day program with Katie where everyone gets to question their thoughts every day, all day long, about the world.
I’ve been to three schools, either as participant or staff.
The first time I did this exercise, it felt like I would never stop writing.
I actually didn’t.
Stop writing, that is.
The group process needed to move on, even though some us felt like our lists were unfinished.
The prompt?
What do you complain about, and why?
I complain about _____ because _____.
You can give it five minutes right now, in your journal.
It’s a little overwhelming, once you get started, right?
At least this was my experience.
(And still is, by the way….if that mind gets started on complaints, they are never-ending: war, greed, betrayal, disparity, overpopulation, climate change, partners, disease, dandelions, addiction, complainers, garbage, chores, marriage, time, divorce, money, laundry. OK I will actually stop now).
But there are always some people who have very few complaints.
Which is really sweet.
And you only need one.
You don’t have to get all hyper aware of all the troubles of the world, life, my life, your life, everyone’s life, the entire history of everything….
….like I sometimes do.
But my favorite part is wondering WHY I have any complaint in particular.
It’s the part where you say….
….I complain about ____ BECAUSE.…
That complainer voice wants to say “I have my reasons!”
It’s pretty defensive, full of grief, or despair.
But one day, I noticed that really, all my reasons for why I complained were because of one thing.
Fear.
I was scared, if I thought about whatever it was I was complaining about.
If I encountered it live in living color (as opposed to on the news or in the movies) even worse.
It was like I was running around as if being chased…..like a cartoon character.
Help! Help! The Sky Is Falling! The Sky! Help! See Over There? See Over Here? Help! Sky! Falling! HHHHEEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!
OK. Shhhhh.
Really?
(That’s my very wise very funny fairy godmother talkin’. Come here child, she says, with her big arms open wide. Stop your fussing.)
The other day our Year of Inquiry group looked at the thought “he’s getting violent” after spending a short time writing our answers to the prompt above.
One of our members noticed someone she loved (her brother) escalating his voice, his words, his volume recently when she was present.
We could all find our own situations, even if the violence we pictured was in far away places in the world, where we really believed “this situation is getting violent”.
It IS violent.
(Shivering with fear, deciding I will never go there again, angry at the threat).
But who would you be without the belief that it is absolutely violent, all of it is violence, all of it destructive and devastating and all leading to nothing good?
This is NOT ABOUT DENIAL.
It is simply noticing what happens when you imagine NOT labeling things as severely dangerous (or mildly dangerous for that matter).
With the label “violent”….
…I avoid, I close and shut down, I don’t make the phone call, I do not act, I hide, I feel small, I act small, I swear, I call people names, I don’t trust.
It’s a kind of fake prison space, like purgatory, an in-between zone of non-action and closing the world off.
This place feels small and trapped, and suffocating.
Time to take a breath.
“No one can be more aware than they are in the moment. If I have the thoughts someone should be more aware….in that moment I’m asleep. I’m unaware. One of us can be more aware, and it’s not them.” ~ Byron Katie
What can you do, today, to help bring peace into your life?
Not with a “should” (which would be violent) but with the powerful energy of activated love, not fear.
Love can be intense and passionate and wild, too.
Let’s do it!
Much love, Grace