Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
Sure, most of us have had that feeling or experience.
Someone did something, or appeared dangerous. Someone freaked us out in the past.
We feel stress, so we think “I need to do The Work on that person” and we do The Work on them…..and maybe feel lighter, more comfortable, and more aware of all that went down back then in that relationship.
But then what?
Should you call them up and explain your insights? Should you reconnect and share your part?
What if you’re not all that excited about getting together with that ex, or what if it’s not really appropriate to make contact, or what if they did something so crazy and confusing it would be weird or risky for you?
I had someone very, very close to me once make an anonymous secretive false legal complaint about me, reporting me to my state Department of Health.
It was magnificent for The Work. Such stress, pain, betrayal, fear, shock, worry.
As I questioned my mind, I understood she was doing the best she could with the information she had. It was so shocking, I never guessed it was her until several puzzle pieces came together and I practically gasped out loud and put my hand over my mouth when I realized who had done it.
I went deeply into The Work.
After working many of my thoughts like “she’s insane, she’s mentally ill, she betrayed me, she hurt me, she is dangerous” and many more…..
….I could see with crystal clarity that it was no one’s fault, and what a strange way for life to unfold, but not so bad truly. I learned so much, and came out better after the whole affair than before I went in. The whole thing was dismissed as it should have been, and nothing more was required.
But I had a letter prepared to send, even before it was all over.
Something felt off, though, as I read and re-read what I wrote.
I sent the letter to two of my closest friends, and my mother. And then, an important mentor I consulted about the situation said “do not contact her, this is not someone to approach, and there’s no reason to do so.”
I just knew he was right. And I still had one important leftover, raw, burdensome belief to question, underneath the anger and confusion towards this woman:
I need her to love me again.
It’s like some part of me just hated a person being out there thinking poorly of me.
Very sneaky little ego-ish thought.
Because, is it true? Do I need everyone to love me?
No.
How do I react when I believe that thought?
I reach out, I act very very kind or nice in an effort to manipulate someone’s perception of me, I bend over backwards, I twist myself into a pretzel, I pretend I care, I pretend I’m more loving than I actually am.
I write amends letters that aren’t genuine and shouldn’t be sent, trying to find resolve and forgiveness through begging, sharing, praising. I am not detached from the outcome.
Who would I be without this story, that she needs to love me again, and I could make that happen?
Phew. So relieved.
Knowing I will be open if she ever contacts me. Remembering and finding examples of how much I loved her, and our time together, and finding even now respect for her courage and passion to set that whole process in motion.
Turning the belief around: I do not need her love. I need my own, for myself, for the world and for reality (which included a friend sending a legal complaint). I really do see how safe I was the entire time, and supported, and encouraged like a little bird getting pushed out of the nest to grow. For this, I am actually grateful to that friend. Amazing.
Turning it around again: she needs my love. I see how true that was, when we were friends. I withheld, I wasn’t completely honest, I put the brakes on meeting times with my extreme introversion. It wasn’t the best match in the world for friendship.
Maybe I’ll send a letter, it feels like it’s getting closer to being a very clear, sincere act of integrity without an underlying need for love—but for now the greatest right action in this situation is peace and quiet.
“Let’s say I do The Work on someone, and then I’m invited by [them] and it’s authentic. I read the invitation and I feel the love for them…but if I know I don’t want to be with them, I say no. I have a right to live my life more productively than with people I don’t want to be with. I just simply prefer vanilla over chocolate. I’m so clear with it. No guilt. I feel a connection with the people in my world. But I’m free to say yes-no-yes-yes-no. I answer out of my own authentic experience. I’m clear.” ~ Byron Katie
Lack of eating peace comes along with more places than trying to be thin, have you noticed?
Sometimes, people experience great stress with eating that has nothing to do with thinness….but instead contains anxiety about perfect health, or longevity, or cancer prevention.
It’s no way to live, with such stress about certain foods, and the dictate to eat broccoli constantly, so you’re safe, and healthy!
(Although I do love broccoli, but let’s not get carried away).
Today, I offer you an interesting exercise that you might think is taking things a little too far: looking at the worst that could happen.
What is it (in your opinion)?
What are you most afraid of?
What pictures come to mind when you believe you need to prevent that future dreadful image of The Worst?
Watch here, and let me know how it goes to see who you’d be without your stressful story of eating and health.
By the way, I mention a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet in this video. You can download one for yourself right HERE.
Someone recently asked if I could write about abundance, money and prosperity.
My favorite!
The thing is, it’s such a gigantic topic, fraught with peaks and valleys and swamps and dark forests, and wide open vistas….
….who knows where to begin?
Except, you do.
First, you can begin by writing down, almost in list form (in other words, you don’t need a lot of details), what you dislike about money, or what people do with it.
Then….get personal.
In relationship to ME, what do I find disturbing about money? Where don’t I feel prosperous? Where don’t I feel abundant, thriving, unfettered?
This can be in the past, or in the present (or even in the future, for that matter).
Then notice the simple, stressful thoughts arise:
I need more money
I should have more money
I want extra money
I want money enough to live here, go there, do this, buy that
he/she should give me money
I don’t want to work for money (or do x for money)
I HAVE TO do “x” because I need the money
It can feel like being in a prison camp.
That’s what a lovely inquirer shared with me recently, when it came to her job. She felt stuck, forced, and at her wit’s end. They wanted her to do certain things she hated doing. Ugh.
How do you react when you think you need the money, and it’s not here?
You do things you hate.
When I believed I needed more money, I felt such anxiety, I couldn’t sleep. I watched my bank account drain, without a job. I frantically applied for work, I went to interviews, I felt desperate.
But I also did The Work. I relaxed in between panic-stricken moments. I did the best I could, and then remembered, over and over again, that this was going to go as it did….that I was not personally in charge.
What I WAS in charge of, was my thinking. I could panic about my bank account draining, or I could do The Work.
Who would you be without the thought you need more money?
Any kind of more money, whether a little, or a lot? Even just a little more for that thing you’ve always wanted? Or enough extra to attend the School or a program you’ve always longed for?
Who would you be without the belief you need more money to do that, money that isn’t here?
Are you sure?
Woah.
You mean, if I think of something really amazing that I’d love to do, have, see, participate in….and it costs money….I do NOT need more money in order to do it?
Could that be just as true, or truer?
Isn’t that a little more fun, to imagine ways to find it, obtain it, move towards it? Do you have all the facts? Have you asked for support, or information? How could you get that money you believe you want, or need? And are you sure you even really need to do that thing? LOL.
Who would you be without your story that NOW you need more money to drop on your head, this instant (the mind gets so impatient, doesn’t it)?
What if you turned all your thoughts around, about money?
money needs more of me (come out, come out, and play says money!)
money should have more of me (have you been hiding something?)
money wants extra of me (yes, bring out your gifts!)
I already have money enough to live here, go there, do this, buy that and, I don’t need money to do any of those things
I should give myself money, and they shouldn’t give me any (unless they do). I should give THEM money (that sounds kind, I love giving)
I WANT to work for money, it’s exciting! Work is play, I’ll play for money, and I sure don’t want to lie on the floor all day doing nothing–I like activity
I don’t HAVE to do anything, because I don’t need the money I can choose.
The thing I notice? This is a choice. I’m not a victim here. I’ve always been OK, never lying on the street with nothing. It’s only always been in my mind that I’ve been a victim.
Not in reality.
I notice the turnaround is truer, so much truer: I have everything I need. My life is full of abundance, love, people, kindness, sharing, support, shelter and food and clothing, adventure in the mind.
Not having much money, or enough to do those other things….
….best experience ever.
Being at peace and feeling the security and love in my own heart, right where I am, no matter where I am. It was unbelievable to not have any money. An incredible scary part of the adventure, and amazing to see where it went. No money was required. I lived.
Any extra money, is only a bonus of icing on the cake of life. I LOVE knowing I don’t need any more money. (And sometimes I forget and start imagining I do, but that’s OK little mind, it likes to make up stories).
“How do I know I don’t need money? It’s gone.” ~ Byron Katie
Everyone in the Institute for The Work: I’m about to teach Basics, a 5 week pre-requisite for telecourses at the Institute. Enroll quick, we begin on Monday at 4 pm PT. Sign up here.
And if you’re not in the Institute for The Work (training to be Certified Facilitator)…..FEAR NOT!
I’ll be offering a two hour course online soon, on filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, which is really what this Basics class is all about.
Isn’t this amazing that five whole weeks, 90 minutes each class, is dedicated to deeply learning how to fill out a JYN? It’s only the first, primary step of The Work, but as a first step, it’s so important.
Filling out the JYN is the way you identify your stressful thoughts.
Sometimes, you feel disturbed and awkward filling it out. It’s asking a lot. It’s asking you to be absolutely fundamentally honest about what mean, critical, angry, frightened or sad thoughts you had about a situation in your life.
We’re usually taught to do the very opposite!
I was told Not to say what I was really thinking, to hide my rude comments or judgments, to keep them to myself. When I heard things said about me that sounded judgmental, I was hurt and troubled.
This hurt feeling PROVED you should keep critical or judgey thoughts to yourself. They make people feel bad. Who wants to know what you’re thinking? Not me! I won’t tell you what I really think, either, and we’ll all be happy!
But. Suppressing and hiding thoughts don’t make them go away, unfortunately.
In fact, they often make them fester and grow. They turn into resentments, desperation, and addictive behavior.
So getting your judgements out onto paper, in writing, is a magnificent even if quite scary thing.
But it’s sooooo worth it. Because once you have everything written out in the open, you’ve got some amazing concepts to work with and take through this profound process called The Work.
There’s nothing like writing it down, slowing it down, going through each step one-by-one….not doing The Work in your head or trying to find shortcuts.
So today, if you’re concerned, anxious, furious or hurt by anyone in your life….first step?
Fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and DON’T HOLD BACK. Be blunt, direct, say it like it really is on the inside of your head. Be childish, petty, ridiculous, nasty, vicious. Dump it out. Download it through your pen onto paper.
Be real.
You will NOT get stuck there with a fuming, exploding JYN on your hands, because the next steps are to answer four questions and find turnarounds on each and every concept you write down.
Which leads to insights, ah-ha’s, awareness, possibility, freedom, clarity, rest, peace, neutrality, a lighter experience of something that seemed so very serious:
Imagining who you’d be without this story.
Heaven on earth.
“Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love….If you begin by pointing the finger of blame outward, then the focus isn’t on you. You can just let loose and be uncensored. You are the storyteller, the projector of all stories, and the world is the projected image of your thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
It all sounds lovely, but it sure does often bring up angst, anger, frustration, grief, disappointment, rage and fear. Just a few stressful feelings!
Recently two different inquirers did The Work on opposite sides of the same coin. Both of these lovely inquirers felt unhappy and unresolved when it came to a romantic relationship they cared about.
One side of the coin: Say yes to what your partner wants. Be agreeable. If your partner asks you for something or begs you to stay….you stay. And you feel massively stuck and frustrated.
Other side of the coin: Shut that partner down. Ditch them. Leave them in the dust. Say no to what they want. And feel massively sorry, guilty and worried.
Neither option feels good, and maybe not even right.
So how do you work with this dratted “relationship” coin that has two options, and neither option feels relaxed or loving or peaceful?
The thing that will bring the most relief, and clarity?
The Work.
Situation one: You say yes. You feel compliant and like you’ve made your partner happy. But you lied, because you meant No.
What would be the worst that could happen in this situation, if you had said “no”? See the worst image (maybe it already happened in the past) and write a worksheet on that situation.
In the case of the inquirer I was facilitating, her fears were that her partner would freak out, demand long conversations, beg, manipulate, cajole, stalk.That dreadful thought….I have no choice. I have to say yes, otherwise, horror.
And what about the other situation number two: She said no, and felt furious.
What’s the worst that could happen, if she had said “yes”? She would have felt disrespected. She felt her boundaries were violated. He wasn’t safe, because he pushed. He asked too much.
Many of us have experienced BOTH of these scenarios, and felt distraught about it.
But who would we be without the stories that we might wind up somewhere dangerous, if we said yes or said no?
Wait….WHAT???!!!
I thought saying yes = avoiding pain, sorrow, guilt, conflict.
I thought saying no = keeping safe, not giving in, maintaining clear boundaries.
In relationship and romance stories, we have many ideas about what yes or no mean about love. If you care about me, you’ll say YES. If you say NO, you don’t care.
Uh, hmmmm, is that actually true?
How do you react when you think someone’s request…and your answer….means you’re loved, or not, or they’re loved, or not?
It’s easy to see with parent-child relationships. If my kids were super upset or sad about not getting something in the past before I had The Work, I’d feel torment inside, and maybe change my mind about my NO.
Thank God for The Work entering my life when they were quite young. I started saying NO and YES with so much more clarity, and it had nothing to do with whether I loved them or not–and we all knew it.
Who would you be without the belief you have to be careful with your YES, careful with your NO….and that these answers within have anything to do with love?
WOWSER!
You mean….I can simply feel what’s right for me, and either stay or go, in any situation, in any moment, with any request?
Yes.
Even if a person is saying they’ll DIE without you by their side, you can love them so much, and say “no” to their request.
Even if a person is saying you HAVE TO do it their way and you won’t or can’t, you can love them so much while saying “no” to their request.
Turning this around: I will NOT wind up somewhere dangerous, if I say YES, or if I say NO.
Could this be just as true, or truer, that I’m free to speak what feels most deeply honest in the moment, with any request set before me?
“I don’t walk around being careful about what I say. I stop for myself. I am responsible for my own heaven or hell. On the other hand, if you ask me point-blank for the truth, then I’m going to tell you. I want to give you everything I see, if you ask. The way you hear my answer is what determines whether it hurts you or helps you. So every person is responsible for himself, in the giving and receiving. I could say the most loving thing, and someone’s feelings could be hurt. The story they tell about what they think I said is how they hurt their own feelings. Nothing else is possible. If I ask you a question point-blank and you dance around it, thinking your truth will hurt me, then you’re not honoring yourself or me. To not answer honestly could leave you feeling incomplete. Can you really know that you can hurt or disappoint another person with your words?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?
Phew, it’s almost inconceivable.
I thought people’s words, and my words, could hurt and disappoint like crazy.
But I realize, that’s only when I think my words, my YES or my NO, have something to do with inherently loving that other person, or feeling love for myself.
The love is here, however, no matter what. Yes or No are just honest answers, matching an inner sense of truth in the moment. They even sometimes change and a YES becomes a NO, or vice versa.
Love doesn’t change. It doesn’t need someone to stay, or leave. It doesn’t need something to change, or stay the same.
I don’t need to say yes (or no) to love either that other person, or myself.
Love is here now. And now.
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation [or relationship] but your thoughts about it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
So let’s question our unhappy thoughts.
Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the worst situation you ever had with that person when they didn’t like your answer, or you didn’t like theirs.
Take the thoughts through the four questions.
Now that’s something to say YES to.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. three commuter spots available for Spring Cleaning Retreat. Stay nearby in your own cozy AirBnB or hotel room, or commute from your home. May 11-14. Let’s do The Work.
Two quick announcements for this wonderful welcoming spring weekend:
1) East West Bookstore The Work with Grace on Body, Eating, Compulsion 6407 – 12th Avenue NE in Seattle, Washington on Saturday 3-6 pm March 18 (that’s tomorrow) for only $25! Come learn the three biggest underlying beliefs people have that keep them battling with food, eating or their body image and weight….and how to address these very deep beliefs with The Work of Byron Katie.
Anyone is welcome who is interested in addressing mindset, thought, awareness and the psychology of eating or compulsion. This work will actually apply to anyone battling an addictive process, including other substances or behaviors. We’ll be going into the root of the compulsive experience, so please join if you’re curious about freedom from obsessive thinking that leads to compulsion of any kind.
What we will NOT be covering is diet, fitness, nutrition or exercise. This is working from the inside out.
Everyone will get to identify where they sabotage their own desires, efforts and “goals” for eating peacefully, and see what’s really happening in those moments that prevent eating peace.
You’ll then get to do The Work, questioning your negative or stressful beliefs, that lead you to move with confusion or frustration around eating or weight. Everyone will leave with the next steps, so you’ll know how to keep questioning and relaxing your thoughts in your daily life.
Beginners are welcome, but it’s great if you know what The Work of Byron Katie is, so look it up on youtube or at www.thework.com and it really helps to read the Little Book (condensed version of Loving What Is, the manual for doing The Work) by Byron Katie.
2) Living Turnarounds Private Group. Sunday, March 19th we’ll be meeting again from 3-6 pm. This group is limited to 8 participants and everyone should be familiar with The Work to at least an Advanced Beginner level. We get to deep dive into one powerful worksheet on a situation in our lives we want to learn from, take it to inquiry, and share in insights with others.
Always a profound opportunity to share, connect, hear from others, and collaborate in understanding how to take our personal work to out into our lives. We spend some beautiful time considering how we’ll live our turnarounds, if we need to make amends (including to ourselves) and understanding how we want to really feel in our bodies, in our lives, in our relationship in the one area we “work” for this mini-retreat.
Living Turnarounds Group meets at Goldilocks Cottage (Grace’s home) in northeast Seattle ($65). Please send a note to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’ve never attended before and would like to join us. Room for 3 more people this month.
If you live far away or can’t attend this in-person workshop, I’ve had lots of requests for an online mini-retreat in Eating Peace. These are generally a modest fee, and 3 hours online (audio only). If you’ve never done something online for 3 hours….you’ll probably be amazed at how the time flies. You can set it up for yourself from your own home and create uninterrupted time for yourself.
I’m taking a poll for your favorite option. Head HERE if you’d like to vote.
One of the biggest, grandest, big-behemoth stressful thoughts that lead to stressful eating?
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!!
This can be a constant thought, returning every time you gain weight or are at your “highest” weight or on the upside of the roller coaster ride, or when you see yourself in the mirror randomly and you normally don’t even think this thought.
It’s very stressful.
The thing is, we think we NEED this thought in order to be inspired or motivated to be thin. We think we have to be aggressive and intense with our minds.
How could we possibly give up this thought? How could we give up the thought we need to fix something, anything…whether weight or some kind of behavior around health and the body. I need to exercise, I need to eat healthy, I need to read every label, I need to do it right, I absolutely must appear “thin”.
It’s true! It’s true!
But what if you allowed that thought to settle down a moment and you didn’t have it?
What many people find, is a little more to look at.
Wow…what if I gave this up? Then what? I notice I still want to be more balanced, more peaceful with eating and food and this body.
What if it’s my thinking that needs to lose weight….especially about this whole weight loss thing?
If I had taken weight loss and thinness less seriously when I was 8 years old (the first time I was alarmed that I might be too fat) I might not have even moved in the direction I moved.
I may not have even developed an eating disorder or a yo-yo eating plan, or starvation vs stuffed. Although, I am now incredibly and deeply grateful for having that disorder because it was so extreme, it brought me to my knees which ultimately was an incredible give of letting go of control.
What a painful story it is to need to lose weight….but if you find yourself thinking it, you might begin to wonder why you have it so strongly?
What would you have, if you had this lower weight? What would it give you? What is your identity saying is required, for happiness?
If you were given the choice to have peaceful, simple, beautiful, loving eating for the rest of your life….with zero weight loss….would you take it?
If you say “no” then you might want to dig a little deeper into why you believe you need to keep this suffering. Just saying.
You have to, must, ought to, should. Who would you be without this violent story?
Well for some reason beyond me a new Peace Talk podcast has just emerged. Peace Talk is a short (10ish mins) podcast on inquiry, and the joy of questioning pain and suffering.
The thought I’m sharing, so very worth questioning?
I HAVE TO…(work, be nice, give, say yes, leave, stay, lose weight)!!
Such a difficult belief!
People think this all the time and it fills them with dread, anxiety, fury, even rage.
I have to go to my stupid job, I have to lose weight, I have to quit smoking, I have to clean this mess, I have to figure out my relationship status, I have to go away, I have to take care of him, I have to find my keys.
Is it actually true, that you have to do this in order to be happy?
Yesterday in Year of Inquiry we were looking closely. One of our group members was answering the four questions (although everyone is always doing The Work right alongside whoever’s talking, it’s a shared group call in inquiry).
Her feeling was that she HAD to lose weight and get to the weight she has in her mind that she knows will make her happy. She was happy once before at that weight.
You might have this about something else having to do with the body. If only I looked younger, didn’t have this illness, didn’t have this injury.
Or what about working? I used to think non-stop about career, job and money that the only way to make it happen was to suffer and get to the office every day. No creativity, no power, no contribution…just do what they say.
You have to.
But are you sure?
Do you really absolutely have to, to achieve happiness? Are you being forced? Are you like a prisoner, trapped in this dynamic?
No.
How do you react when you think you HAVE TO?
I resent. I fume. I feel I will need to sacrifice in order to get happiness. I can’t be relaxed, peaceful, clear and totally free. Freedom is nowhere in sight. I’m stuck.
Who would you be if you really did not have this thought?
This is an incredible thought to question. What if you never thought “I have to…..” with any stress, concern, anxiety, or resentment?
I notice I don’t ever have the thought “I have to breathe” during any day. Yet I do have to, in order to stay alive. But I’m not concerned.
Only if I feel a threat to getting air and breathing would I ever have the idea that I HAVE TO breathe (and I could question that).
So it feels to me like this have-to thought enters the mind when there’s concern for survival. I am threatened in some way, so I think I have to do something, because otherwise….no safety. I’ll lose something, I’ll suffer, I’ll hurt, I’ll die.
But what if we really didn’t have the thought in a backdrop of needing to survive, or be protected or safe?
What if it wasn’t a HAVE TO like someone yelling at you in an emergency?
I look around in this moment, listening, feeling this room, feeling the life force living me. No need to do anything, even though I am noticing the clock and realize I will leave in a car soon to go dance. I don’t have to, though.
I notice with my body, I don’t have to eat the “correct” way OR eat an off-balance way. I don’t have to smoke, or ingest something. I don’t have to get up out of the chair.
I can wait.
I can take the easy way, the way where “I” do not have to do anything all by myself but instead the universe/reality and I are together in this deal.
‘I have to go to the bathroom’ is not a stressful thought if I’m happy about where this bathroom thing might lead. Do I ask someone where the bathrooms are? Will I walk several blocks to find a bathroom? Will I feel the sensation of bladder filling up and follow the simple directions?
What if going to work, losing weight, responding to someone’s request, being free is a matter of following the simple directions? No making this so stressful and complicated, or feeling like a victim in the middle of a huge oppressive world?
I do not HAVE TO.
My thinking “has to”….work, lose weight, stop smoking, leave, stay (fill in the blank of the thing you believe you have to do).
“If it hurts, it’s your thinking that’s hurting you. Nothing else is possible. In my experience, there’s no exception to this. I am responsible for my own freedom, totally.” ~ Byron Katie
Those thoughts you’re thinking? Not good enough! (But is it true?)
This month my world is full of inquiry about body, diseases, conditions, ailments.
Year of Inquiry is looking at body, Eating Peace Process is looking at body.
And yesterday morning, a powerful stressful worksheet appeared. On the mind itself.
We’ve all probably had those kinds of thoughts about the mind itself. It’s not to be trusted, it’s over-thinking, it’s freaking out, it should stop believing.
The thought brought forward for inquiry?
“My mind is sabotaging what I want.”
Suddenly I remembered working with someone a long time ago who made an appointment to do The Work because she wasn’t doing the law of attraction right. She thoughts was supposed to be thinking positively at all times, apparently, and feeling peaceful or excited despite not having such peaceful thoughts. She felt she was failing at getting what she wanted, because of her own brain.
This is a truly amazing story to question. I’ve been there myself.
If I just question my thinking enough….I’ll get somewhere different.
Now, it’s weird, because you WILL probably get somewhere different, at least I’ve found this to be deeply true, and yet “trying” to get somewhere different can be exceptionally stressful–and it means, inherently, that here, now, is NOT the place to be.
So let’s question this powerful and subtle little idea that this mind is screwing things up, and making it so you aren’t happy, you aren’t getting what you want, and your life isn’t as good as it could be.
Is it true?
Well….yeah! Right? I’ve heard Katie and other thought leaders say that all problems are in the mind. So this brain is a problem! It should be different!!
Are you sure? Can you absolutely know this to be true?
Wow. No.
Apparently thinking happens, and it’s sometimes stressful, and sometimes exciting. It doesn’t appear to go away just because we tell it to.
Thinking happens, I notice. Stressful thinking.
I really can’t know it’s true it should be otherwise.
How do you react when you believe your mind isn’t working well enough, or you can’t achieve what you want because of YOUR thinking, or abilities to work with thought?
Frustrated! Depressed!
The woman who did The Work with me on everything that was wrong with her mind and her thoughts was disappointed when she believed her mind should be different. She felt hopeless, unhappy, not as happy as those other people with better minds
This thought, about thought, is a tricky little thought, isn’t it?
But who would you be without this belief, or this assessment, that the mind is screwing things up, sabotaging what you want, making it so you’re unsuccessful?
LOL!
I’d look around this present moment, little twinkling lantern lights out through the window, and experience the flash of no mind for a second. Not Knowing. Not necessary to know.
I’d watch those wild thoughts careening around, swinging in the wind, giving orders and suggestions and having images and ideas….
….and not take the whole condition seriously.
Or, there goes the mind again, taking another lap.
Woman on couch with a thinking brain with activity happening in it, not being against “thought”.
What if All This is not up to me?
What if fixing, contorting, changing, updating, improving the mind is not possible as a project? What if this mind is somehow the way it is, and there’s nothing I can actually do about it?
(And, I notice I can question the thoughts it produces).
Kind of amazing, right?
Turning the thought around: my mind is NOT sabotaging what I want. What I want is what’s happening. What I want is here, now….not in the future, later (which I’m aware does not yet exist).
Could this be just as true, or truer?
So exciting to think there’s nothing missing, and no enemy sabotaging me, and nothing dangerous about my mind.
How is this true?
Why, I’m alive now at this perfect moment able to look around, breathe, see, take in this environment. What if nothing was wrong?
What if this mind was just right, doing a brilliant job at inventing, imagining, believing, questioning….and it’s not ultimately up to “me” (whatever “me” is)?
“Mediocrity, that’s the place to be. Balance. There’s something wrong? There’s something right! But the ego is in opposition to that everything-is-right nature. It gets very invested.” ~ Byron Katie in Being With Byron Katie Ojai Feb 2017
It’s perfect to be this way, brain that gets set off. And who knows if the mind has anything to do with getting what’s wanted, or not.
But I do know, when I question my thinking, right now is pretty dang good. Nice that I get to notice that reality, including my “mind”, is doing a fabulous job being itself.
Could that other person be so upsetting…because a part of you is just like them? Are you sure they aren’t spiritual?
The other day, while driving along in silence, I suddenly remembered an old conversation with an acquaintance.
Funny how that happens sometimes in your car, or perhaps when you’re somehow required to wait or on the road traveling and getting the body from Point A to Point B. Your mind gets to wander and travel a little, too. You have free-floating memories and images ticker-tape by.
This old friend had said, in response to a conversation about being on a journey of awakening “I’ve been at this a long time.” He implied he knows a LOT. He sounded like he thought of himself as further along than other folks asking questions in satsang (group gatherings in meditation practice with a teacher). He didn’t really need to be there, he said, it was just amusing to him to get new material from the words the teacher used.
As I recalled the conversation, the thought went through my head “what a big ego that guy had!”
Have you ever thought someone had a big fat ego?
Let’s do The Work today on someone you’ve known, ever in your life (yes, THAT person) who was so full of themselves, thought they were such a genius at some topic.
Maybe a boss, or a leader you encountered. Perhaps a family member. I remember students sharing this thought about certain professors. I’ve heard this quite a bit from people in the political scene lately. Ahem.
In my case of remembering, how funny that I could find someone was an egotistical know-it-all on Spiritual Enlightenment.
Hmmm, now that I think about it, I’ve had this exact same thought on more than one person.
Interesting. Because when I discover I’ve judged more than one person for the same type of displeasing quality (according to me) then I know I definitely need to do The Work.
And ONE person with a disturbing quality is enough.
So let’s go.
He is such an egomaniac. He thinks he’s so ultra-spiritual. He should have some humility, instead of thinking he’s better than others. Jeez! He should quit advising people on spiritual or mental-health related topics. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. What a loser.
Yes, my thoughts running through were that mean.
And no, don’t start turning it around immediately to yourself and thinking you know where this is going. That’s such a good ploy for the mind to use to get you off track. It’s not The Work.
We need to break it down, slowly.
(Even slower than this Grace Note. To really dig into this thought that someone else is too full of themselves, you’d do The Work thoroughly one thought at a time!)
So, is it true they’re over-the-top big ego, when it comes to this topic (in my case, spiritual awareness)?
Yes!
I mean, look at him. He used to be a drug addict. Now, he’s all Mr. Peaceful trying to start a business as a spiritual advisor. Seriously?? He doesn’t listen to anyone (including me)….He’s way too needy. He acts like a jerk, he….
Um, just a sec. When you start justifying, explaining, pointing things out, telling stories about this person, you aren’t actually answering the question. The question is: “Is it true, what you believe about this person and their ego?”
Sigh.
No.
I don’t even know him very well.
Even if you say “yes” to this question, notice, and keep going.
Next question: How do you react when you think this is true about this person, that they’re an egomaniac?
Terrified! Angry! Enraged! Planning how to avoid them, or hoping something happens to them to take them down a notch. Yikes. it’s mean, vengeful, victim-y. I’m definitely disgusted, and At War with this person and their apparent “ego” and their words and mannerisms. I complain about them in my head, or talk about them to other people.
So who would you be without this very stressful story? Seriously, what if you couldn’t even have the thought that this person is a jerkish loser who has worthless advice for everyone and isn’t as smart or right as he says he is?
Huh.
Hold still and think about it for a minute.
This person, who you’ve raved about because they’ve got such a gigantic ego….what if you couldn’t have such thoughts about them? How would it feel?
More relaxed, for sure.
Suddenly, I’m aware at all the intense raging energy I put on that person. Like he’s soooo bad, it ruined my day. And how, without that energy and that feeling, my experience of him would be much kinder, less serious, more can-do, to be honest.
I see he’s just talking. He’s participating. He’s having a conversation. He’s saying what feels right to him in the moment. He’s very, very interested in this topic. He’s done a lot to get to the place he’s gotten.
Have I?
I don’t have to agree with him, but I can regard him without my thoughts of vicious judgment towards him. I can notice that here in my car, all is quiet, and quite spacious, and my life is not very impacted by this other guy’s commentary or activities.
But even if your life IS impacted by someone you think of as having a massively huge ego the size of Montana….what would it be like to be in their presence without thinking you’re in a war against them? Without the belief they’re SO WRONG you’re ready to have a fit like a Tazmanian Devil?
Wow, I’d be lighter. I’d feel more excited about taking true action. I might make a few phone calls.
Turning the thoughts around: He is NOT an egomaniac, he’s humble, maybe even insecure. He does NOT think he’s ultra-spiritual. He never said anything about being better than others. He should advise people on spiritual or mental-health related topics. He knows what he’s talking about. What a winner.
Hmmm. How could this be just as true, or truer?
Well, all he really said in that conversation long ago was that he couldn’t relate to most of the other people attending the retreat we were on. He actually said he’d like to go to another retreat, so he didn’t say he was no longer interested in this topic and had no need for outside information. He didn’t say he knew everything, or MORE than others. He never used those words.
He got completely clean from drugs (winner). He helped out his family when his mom got sick. He gave free labor to the mother of his kid when he couldn’t give her money. He’s slowly pulled himself back on his feet. He probably SHOULD advise people on mental health issues, especially those about addiction recovery.
Can you find evidence for this turnaround for the person you’re thinking of? This is a powerful exercise. Because….how would you really know all the details to be able to make a perfect, full, complete assessment of this person’s behavior? I sure didn’t at the time.
“Argue with reality, and you lose. But only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie
Turning the thought around again, all to myself (instead of this person I’m projecting all over): I am an egomaniac. I think I am ultra-spiritual. I should have some humility, instead of thinking I’m better than this guy, or better than myself. Jeez! I should quit advising people (including him) on spiritual or mental-health related topics. I don’t know what I’m talking about. What a loser.
Now, I know you’re aware these turnarounds to the self should be a kiss, not a slap. This is important! Otherwise, you start getting into a sort of negative egomania, which is just as troubling (maybe worse) than the positive egomania.
So what are some examples? How could this turnaround be true?
For one thing, in the moment I’m flashing about this man and his inadequacy, I’m getting worked up into a frenzy that’s neither necessary, or helpful. I’m in favor of non-violence. Including in my mind. And yet, seem to be thinking violently.
I could adopt a little humility. Here I am trying to be ultra-spiritual and all-accepting, acting nicey-nice when actually at the time, I might have had a more honest real conversation with the man, asking him questions, finding out about what makes him tick, being curious about what he meant when he said certain things.
And it’s completely true that I shouldn’t advise anyone on matters of spirituality or mental health. They can find their own answers. I especially shouldn’t advise this guy–why can I tell him to stop giving advice when it’s OK for me to give it to him?
I should stop advising myself, too, while I’m at it. I’ve always got ideas like “meditate for an extra hour!” or “go to India!” and thinking God is going to be louder or more present if I do MORE or go somewhere or add something, later. Not here, now.
Why not try a little openness, and acceptance, about this person in the world? What if I tried a little openness, acceptance and humility about myself?
Doesn’t that feel a little sweeter than gripping the steering wheel with fury as I drive and think “JERK!” about someone?
Yes.
“Some people think that silence is more spiritual than speech, that meditation or prayer brings you closer to God than watching television or taking out the garbage. That’s the story of separation. Silence is a beautiful thing, but it’s no more beautiful than the sound of people talking. I love it when thoughts pass through my mind, and I love it when there are no thoughts. Thoughts can’t be a problem for me, because I have questioned them and seen that no thought is true.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 180
That guy with the Big Mondo Ego? How is it just as beautiful as the next thing, like television, or taking out the garbage, or meditating or learning to love what is? What if I’m not really the authority–for myself most of all–on spirituality around here, and what people should or should not be doing, thinking, believing or saying around me?
They should be saying what they say.
And it’s sooooo good they said it, because I’m invited then to jump into the pool of love, all-of-life and spirituality in everything, and swim, too….rather than staring down from the high dive, full of anger and fear with arms folded across my chest.
Welcome to the end of separation.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you have agonizing thoughts about anyone else in this world, (alive or dead) then your experience is perfect for The Work. You can do this during retreat for great benefit. Questioning your thoughts doesn’t mean you’ll become a tiny passive potato. You’ll probably be more clear, and more alive, whatever this may look like for you. Connected.
Have you ever been super scared of someone?
I love when people ask me to write about topics.
Everyone in the Institute for The Work: I’m about to teach Basics, a 5 week pre-requisite for telecourses at the Institute. Enroll quick, we begin on Monday at 4 pm PT. Sign up 
Love, attraction, romance.
Two quick announcements for this wonderful welcoming spring weekend:
