Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
Seattle workshop: Eating Peace rare 3 hour mini-retreat on how to question your thinking, to change the way you eat (and think) at East West Books in Seattle, March 18th 3-6 pm only $25. Please pre-register here.
Speaking of the way we think….most people with compulsions and addictive behavior, or self-defeating mannerisms of any kind like overeating, binge-eating, body image criticism, or emotional eating…experience mean thinking towards themselves.
We’ve all got judgmental and harsh voices that comment about what we’re doing.
But when this voice gets really intense, like a dictator ordering you around in a concentration camp, then you’re at war.
It’s understandable. We often believe in violence. It even works a little bit. Violent behavior leads to something happening which forces change. But it’s not permanent, and there’s a ton of loss when there’s war.
The thing is, you don’t have to attack and hate yourself in order to elicit or bring change to your ways with food, eating and your body.
In fact, what I always found, is that it increased my binge-eating or weight gain, it fueled sadness and despair and a feeling of failure, and it made things worse in the long run.
People who stop believing in their violent thinking towards themselves no longer eat violently, or diet violently with deprivation and intense control.
Try letting go of this mean voice instead, by questioning if it’s really true, and turning it around!
Time to bask in the warming sun of self-inquiry? Tis the season of spring mental cleaning and summer change….with several in-person opportunities for reflection, unraveling stressful thinking in a clear step-by-step way (The Work of course) and living your turnarounds. Question your thinking, change your world.
Spring Cleaning Retreat Kenmore, WA (a few spots left, 26 CEUs for mental health professionals) May 11-14
Breitenbush Hotsprings Oregon (26 CEUs) An entirely off-line immersion (no cell phone, no internet) in pristine old-growth forest, fabulous organic vegetarian food, optional soaks in natural springs outside of retreat sessions. June 21-25
Being With Byron Katie Pacific Northwest heart of Seattle retreat house (Portage Bay) 4 days with Katie and Silence via streaming from Switzerland. A profound experience, commuters welcome, four private bedrooms at reduced fees for travelers who choose to add lodging. July 8-12
Putting on the boxing gloves, when it comes to that person’s behavior? Who would you be without your belief they should stop?
I’m so excited just thinking about all these in-person retreats, all quite different.
Almost jumping up and down actually.
There is simply nothing like catching that stressful, repetitive, honking thought, like a noise that won’t stop beeping, and looking at it with very open eyes. And listen to others doing the same, getting the support of the wisdom of the group.
One thought at a time.
The Work allows this to happen so beautifully. Rather than feel bad and start thinking and “brain-storming” (perfect word) about how to solve the problem in our lives, we get to actually wonder how we got the idea we have a genuine, or serious, problem?
The first step is identifying the problem.
It’s not so hard.
What are you thinking about the future, or the past, that’s troubling?
Oh My! But there are SO MANY PROBLEMS!
Where could I even begin? I mean….there’s my friend who betrayed me, my fierce boss, my boring job, my poor career choice, money being less than perfect, my relationship not going smoothly, my health, global warming, too much traffic, my parents’ personalities, my grandparents unhappiness, aging, kids, what’s in the news, the broken fridge, and by the way I haven’t become enlightened yet.
And this is just the beginning. I could go on. (LOL).
But entering only one situation, and sitting with it slowly, one thought at a time, is so magnificent. Can it really be that simple and easy? And narrowed down to only one?
Yes.
A few months ago I wrote a worksheet on an old relationship that when I thought about it, still felt sour and unfinished. It was sparked by running into the person serendipitously at a coffee shop.
(Brilliant universe, thanks for the awareness reminder)!
I’ve been looking at the thoughts, one thought at a time, and allowing them to percolate and dance and sink in very slowly. One thought for an entire week sometimes, noticing the belief trying to find a foothold.
I love going very slowly. Not letting a concept slip through the cracks unquestioned (unless it does, and then, knowing it will reappear when necessary).
The next thought on my worksheet: he should stop wanting more from me.
This doesn’t have to be in a romance or any kind of dating relationship, this could be a boss, a parent, anyone who asks more of you….ever. And you felt oppositional to the request or the feel of it.
WAIT! You might shout. If I don’t think this thought, I’ll HAVE TO put up with MORE from that person, right? I’ll have to say yes, do the job, accept the task.
But no, you can’t fast-forward to where this might be going, later. You have no idea, even with only 4 questions and finding turnarounds. This never means you will have to put up with anything, or do something you don’t like, or compromise, or escape, or Not Be Yourself in a natural way.
In fact, you’ll be more naturally you, after inquiry.
So let’s look together at this one I mentioned today. Find a moment in your life where someone, anyone, anything (it could even be a pet) asked more from you, and you had the thought they shouldn’t.
Picture the situation.
For me, I’m reading an email.
Is it true, they shouldn’t want more from you?
Yes! This is never-ending. What I give NEVER seems to be enough. They take, and they take, and they take and never give up and it’s always grab, grab, grab, ask, ask, ask for more. Arrrgh.
(Little dramatization for you).
The question is, however, can you be sure this thought is true that someone, anyone, anything, shouldn’t ask for so much?
Can you absolutely know what that person should or shouldn’t want? Are you in charge of their level of wanting over there? Who’s running the show here? YOU?
LOL.
Um, yeah. I can’t even for the tiniest bit that someone else, or something else, or anyone in this world should stop wanting more from me.
How do you react when you think he shouldn’t want more from you? She shouldn’t want more from you?
Angry! Quit being such a pest! Stop begging! Stop pushing me! I act like a dictator in my own mind about what needs to happen here! I attack that person in my mind, I give them advice without even saying it out loud. I say “this is one needy soul” and I cut them off. I look for a new job. I don’t answer their emails. I un-friend them.
I call them an addict. I’m disgusted. I feel very separate. And I sort of secretly feel guilty and unhappy within.
So who would you be without the belief they should stop wanting what they want?
There they are, being themselves, being honest. Without me thinking they should be in any way different. Without me running for the hills to hide in a cave out of sight.
What’s that like? How does it feel?
This is something to contemplate. I like wondering what it’s like to be without my stressful thoughts all day long, for several days in a row.
What would it be like without the thought that x person (or all those people) shouldn’t want what they want, as I drive my car, as I write, as I go to the gym, as I do yoga, as I take a walk, as I shop for food, as I put my clothes in the washing machine?
And how about now? Or how about in that situation where they’re asking you for something big, or attention, or love, or to get a job done, or for your time, or your answer? What if they persist and you really felt what it’s like without being opposed to their wants and desires?
I once spoke with a mom whose kid was 40 and wouldn’t move out.
She discovered that it would be really nice and easy (she thought) if he had a revelation and suddenly wanted to move into his own place and get a good job….
….but without her beliefs about what he should want, she noticed what SHE wanted.
Him. Out.
Who would you be without your beliefs about others?
I might notice I also love time with myself, so I understand them…AND, I like making arrangements to get alone time!
Turning the thought around: he should want more from me. I shouldn’t want more from him. I shouldn’t want more from myself.
Wow, these are all just as true or truer.
He SHOULD want more from me because: a) I’m awesome, b) he’s very talkative and adores connecting with people and sharing with others and, c) he’s not expecting me to be a passive, quiet, dishonest person who’s not be straight up with him. He wants more, which is honesty (i.e. “I don’t want to hang out”).
I shouldn’t want more from him. Yes, I’ve expected him to get a grip and realize without me saying anything that he should stop being so grabby. He should read my mind. I’m expecting a lot. And I shouldn’t.
I shouldn’t want more from myself. Well, I’ve really expected myself to be the nicest person in the world and say yes, yes, yes constantly so I don’t disappoint people….so who’s the one with high and false expectations of me? I am!
Maybe that person who’s asking a lot of you in your life is there for a very good reason. So you’ll say “no”. Or so you’ll show up even bigger and more powerful than you already do. Or so you’ll learn to be exceptionally and squeaky clean clear.
I don’t know why they’re there for you, but one thing I do know, there’s some kind of benefit.
How could it be otherwise?
“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie
Have you ever been plagued by a dilemma of choosing between two things?
You could go with this, or you could go with that, or you could go with this, or you could go with that. (That’s by Black Sheep in case you aren’t a 90s hip-hop fan).
But I can’t decide!!
If I say YES, I feel nervous about the hard work (for a new job for example) or I’m very anxious I’ll be trapped (like in a committed relationship) or I’m terrified I won’t survive financially (leaving a long-term marriage) or I’m worried I can’t learn the new language and I’ll be homesick (moving to another country).
Whatever happens, it COULD BE BAD!
That’s the fear, right?
I’ll have a moment where I’m uncomfortable, disappointed, angry, irritated, furious, frightened, sad, regretful.
A couple of years ago, I applied with my new husband to refinance our home, and take my former husband’s name off the loan (even though former husband and I were divorced for almost a decade, he was forever listed on the loan).
My current husband and I were turned down. Not enough income. Not enough equity.
Secretly, I thought….”good”. Don’t tell anyone.
Because isn’t it dangerous to own property with some other human? I mean, they aren’t reliable. Did you see what happened last time? Even the most steadfast, kind, loving people go ape-sh*% sometimes, do they not? One has to be careful. I’ve been directly burned, after all.
Then time went by, and the housing prices started to rise, even for this tiny cottage I live in with my husband. It seemed like the right thing to do to try to refinance again and take care of that loan–update it, get the right people responsible for it who actually live here, get the former husband off the note (he really wanted that done), make plans for my mom to move here in her aging years.
This time, the loan refinance went through. After many months of waiting and me having thoughts like “Well, if it never refinances, who cares? Not me! I’ll eventually pay it off, if possible, and it will be mine, all mine!” (Horror movie laugh of glee).
Worry, fret, anxiety.
Have you noticed, whether you’re afraid your new roommate at college will be weird, or you’re nervous your new boss will do something difficult…..there’s really only two possibilities going on here with the fretting.
the thing you’re afraid of happening in the future is actually already happening (or did)
the thing you’re afraid of happening in the future has not yet happened
The first thing to do in a dilemma around choosing, is to notice if it’s #1 or #2 above.
If it’s #1, then you’ve got a current worksheet to look at deeply and maybe some beautiful clear action to take, once you’ve identified and inquired into what happened, or is currently underway.
For example, let’s say you’re worried about this new project at your job and that you’ll get all the dirty grunt work assigned to you and your boss won’t respect your time limits and you’re trying to figure out if you should say something or refuse the project or what.
If you believe this will happen….how on earth did you ever come to that conclusion? Oh. Did something ALREADY occur, or maybe a whole series of things, where you’ve felt your boundaries were disrespected, and you were the one who had to do the worst part of the project?
WORKSHEET!!
Questioning your story about what already happened will probably bring you immense clarity, and your medicine for how to relax, and move forward (or even make amends to yourself, or to others) and act in a way that holds deep integrity for you and for everyone involved.
Now, as for #2 above.
You’re faced with a decision or a choice or you’re fretting about something occurring that’s never happened. Like, this new project at work will go horribly and you’ll be worked to the bone with no breaks, without recognition. And you’ve never done a project like this in your life.
Where DID you get this idea, my little grasshopper?
Someone else’s story? Hearsay? Pictures in your head of what it will look like because you read a book, or saw a movie? A friend or family member telling you their own terrible tale?
You HAD to get it from somewhere, even if you put together composites of many other stories and cut and pasted them into a brilliant future terror scene. Right?
But the most important thing to notice with #2 is….
….IT HASN’T HAPPENED.
The future has Not Yet Occurred.
So in the most basic way, we can start this kind of agonizing choice-making with this simple inquiry:
Something terrible will happen.
(And I strongly suggest finding out what you think is terrible, and identifying it clearly).
But is this true?
Are you completely sure something terrible will happen?
How about something terrible MIGHT happen?
Are you absolutely and completely sure, without a doubt, that something terrible might happen?
No. I could never absolutely “know” this. I can know nothing about the future, and what’s more is….I notice the past is not only over, it’s never precisely repeatable.
How do I react when I believe something terrible could happen?
Doubled over in anxiety, not sleeping, worried, frantic. I see pictures of other already-happened images, or pictures of scenes I invented in my head through imagination, and other peoples’ stories.
So who would you be without this thought that something terrible could happen, in the future….whether in the dilemma you’re contemplating, or anywhere at all?
What if you just could not conceive of that thought? What if you could not believe this thought was the truth? What if you forgot about this thought, for a minute?
Who would you actually be? WHAT would you be?
Huh.
What would I be. Hmmm.
I’d be sitting here. I’d be….I have no idea. I’d be a person, looking around, flashing images in my head without believing a single one. I’d be noticing this Big Decision is maybe not all that important, to be honest.
I’d be feeling sweet, right now, right here. Quiet fan blowing heat into the room. Darkness outside the window. Wind chimes tinkling on the porch.
No urgency. No emergency. No freaking out, or depression. Just contentedly here. No serious worry about loss, or gain.
Nothing required.
Turning the thought around to the opposite: something wonderful will happen.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
Wow.
“Just notice when things are out of balance. You don’t have to figure it out. There’s a built-in signal that will always let you know: it’s called stress. Your unquestioned thoughts about life lead you to believe that there’s something out of order, and that can never be true.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
You were lured, manipulated, hooked, seduced…..What happens when you believe this is possible? A scary story. But remember, it’s a story.
The first Friday inquiry jam, where people can connect via phone or internet from anywhere in the world, was so powerful just a few days ago (mark your calendar for First Friday of April 7:45 am PT, we’ll do it again).
We began as always with everyone filling out their own Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a stressful situation, some exchange or moment in time where something happened unpleasant. Something disturbed us. Something felt off, or scary, or sad.
Someone raised their hand (you get to push *2 and I see the alert on my computer). This lovely inquirer said she has so many moments where she felt anxious or upset….where should she begin?
Great question.
I’ve had a few of those people or moments in my life (OK, more than a few) where it felt like the same “problem” was reoccurring over and over. Or the same dilemma, or same uncomfortable conversation.
The best thing I know to do is to really freeze frame only one of those moments in time, and hold very still with it as you write down your judgments about that situation, without one single ounce of editing yourself. Be childish, critical, petty, ridiculous.
What moment should you choose, you ask?
Why, the one where you felt the most fear, intensity, sadness, rage, fury, irritation, or hurt. That one. Where the scene of the crime was The Worst.
I found, if I go back to that one, and write everything I believe that’s stressful down, about that one moment….
….then the following or other moments that “weren’t so bad by comparison” will also fall into place. (And if they don’t, you can still do The Work on them).
This movement into The Worst moment takes some courage sometimes. Because you might remember a moment that’s really, really painful. It can stir you up.
So take a very deep breath, and remember first that you’re past that moment, now. You’re safe in your chair, as you write down the thoughts. Even if the event happened yesterday, you’ve got a little break. You can give yourself this quiet space for a moment.
Not long ago I had an old flame who reappeared in my life after many years away. The relationship had spanned maybe four months grand total when it happened in real life, but I actually thought of that relationship while watching the movie LaLa Land.
Oh no, not him again. Really?
So much work on that person, a long time ago. I thought it was all squared away. But just running into him at a coffee shop made me feel sort of nauseated, and nervous. I felt jumpy, like I needed to get out of there and like I also wanted to connect and find out all about his life.
Intrigue. Mystery. Drama.
Danger Danger! (Did you hear the back-up sound of loud beeping and the red lights flashing? That’s a huge truck. Heading backwards. Meaning, the driver probably doesn’t know you’re standing right there in the middle of the alley. MOVE!!!!!)
I went home feeling kind of shaken and sad, remembering the feeling of almost being run over. Seeing pictures of being very frightened many times in that relationship, feeling nervous and pushed and chaotically excited (like when you’re on a roller coaster) and confused and never relaxed.
And then annoyed. Because I received an email from him asking to get together like it would be the easiest and most normal thing to do in the world. Not a hey, would you want to get together to have a truly honest talk about your perspective of what happened in that very tumultuous, difficult, awful time back then….but an invitation to go to a show and hang out.
What?
Somehow, I’m thinking we weren’t in the same relationship. He had his idea of what it was like. I had mine.
And here came the stressful thoughts: He should see how crazy-time the interactions were between us in the long-distant past. He should wake up. He should quit acting like an addict….someone who blacks-out the bad times and screams it-was-the-best-thing-ever about the good times. He should stop being so grabby. Desperate. He should stop thinking that relationship was fun. Or desirable. It wasn’t.
Oh man.
Dang it.
I have to do The Work on this? Again? After all these years? Seriously?
But I knew not to start in with the criticism of myself about it all.
Because self-criticism, guilt, or shame is a cover-up and a dark alley you can easily get stuck in (if you’re like me) and fogs out deeper understanding of the actual situation. It’s like a distraction to a different shiny object, a very painful shiny object. But a distraction nevertheless.
“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie
OK. Fine.
So here’s where the invitation comes in to go back to a very troubling moment, The Worst troubling moment, rather than this recent coincidental meeting which stirred things up.
I sat down, closed my eyes, and opened up to revisiting the difficult details, and seeing what still lived within my mind about it.
I was shocked.
Judge Your Neighbor worksheet:
I am enraged with him because he sucked me into his life, and lied about the dark truth, mental illness, alcoholism and neediness behind his fake captivating personality.
I want him to apologize, instead of saying he did nothing wrong.
He should grow up, get professional help, do The Work, understand how much he terrified me.
In order to be happy, I need him to confess he almost ruined my life because of his selfish and false desires, because of his desperation for attention and love.
He is an addict, a liar, sick, dangerous, stalker, angry, disgusting.
I don’t ever want to fall prey to a love con game again. I don’t ever want to be involved with someone who attempts suicide and is mentally ill.
OK then.
Sigh.
Just your run-of-the-mill everyday worksheet on a light chance encounter at a coffee shop. (Not).
The wonderful thing is now, I can take every single one of these concepts through the four questions and turnarounds. It doesn’t matter if it takes several months, or if I really go for it and do one a day. (I’m not the all-in-one-sitting type. Too much effort, too much to digest all at once. But nothing wrong with it if you DO like doing a whole worksheet in one sitting. Go for it!)
If you have a person you’ve thought of as needing to be rescued from themselves or their own thinking, or someone who manipulated or overwhelmed you….then join me now.
Let’s do The Work!
Starting from the top. Picture that person who drew you in, demanded a response, forced you to react, made you feel “x”. You’re a victim of their behavior. They neeeeeeeeeed you. They don’t let up. They’re high maintenance.
I’ve had sales pitches that felt this way. Organizations. Groups. Programs. Religions.
He sucked me into his life.
Is it true?
Yes. I was just innocently being me, standing there, and….
Answer the question.
He sucked you in, can you ABSOLUTELY KNOW this is true?
No.
I saw no vacuum cleaner. No one had a knife. All that happened is conversations, time spent together, then time ending together, honestly.
No one forced me to do it.
How do you react when you believe you were sucked in, to anything?
Angry! Furious! Fist shaking! They did it to me! I was an innocent bystander! Mad at myself for not saying “no” 1000 times sooner!
So who would you be without this very painful story that you got sucked in?
You could apply the very same thought to a compulsive addictive behavior. The food compulsion sucked you in. The drugs, the alcohol, those people. You didn’t know what hit you.
Who would I be without the belief this guy sucked me in to his agony, mental illness, his need for rescuing, his sick world?
Oh. Hmmm.
I’d notice I’m separate from him. Very. I have a world that doesn’t intersect much with this other person’s world. This is one small encounter, out of my whole life. I am not “sucked” into anything terrible.
Without the thought, I feel safer, calmer, relaxed. I’m back in my own business, feet solidly on the ground, feeling the earth and noticing how in that situation, I knew when to no longer engage.
There was no emergency.
Without the thought, I’m noticing how nothing truly terrible happened. No one died. I even went to work, went about my own life. The worst that happened, honestly, were my thoughts. No gigantic octopi descended upon me, I definitely wasn’t “sucked”.
Turning the thought around: he didn’t suck me in. I sucked him in. I sucked myself in.
Oh. Wow. Yikes.
How could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?
I sucked him in, by telling him of my worries about life (which weren’t really true) and my love dreams (which were unrealistic) and by answering every question he asked, and by writing long involved emails to him early on. I sucked him in by asking him tons of questions about his childhood.
I sucked myself in by believing I could help, even when things began to get revealed and the true (not fake) stories started getting uncovered. I sucked myself in with worry, anxiety and feeling torn. I sucked myself in by closing my eyes to some weird behavior and pretending it was OK with me. I sucked myself in by not speaking up, or telling my own inner truth.
I even sucked myself in by swinging from bubbly attraction, to disgust, rather than feeling the solid awareness of a centered, sane, kind approach to seeing the truth. I sucked myself in to my own story of what I hoped would happen….and then sucked myself in to extreme and deep disappointment that it didn’t. I forgot my own clarity, and strength.
I sucked myself in to his agony, mental illness, his need for rescuing, his sick world…I sucked myself into my own agony, my own mental illness, my need to rescue, my sick world of believing in sick worlds.
“You are alive only in your own imagination as the thing you think you are. The story we have of ourselves is so seductive….Don’t be waiting for “next”. There is no “next”. It is enough that you are here. The more you are able to bring your attention to that which is, you will find your silence, your peace. You will discover your inherent harmony, your natural joy.” ~ Mooji
I sucked myself into a dramatic vortex of believing there was a hook. A dangerous hook, in this world. Called another human with a “big” needy personality. Who was a fish that bit the hook? That would be me.
Only, that’s not what really happened.
He did not suck me in to anything. He delivered me. He set me free from believing in emergencies, from thinking it would be awful to say “no”. From tantalizing, enmeshed relationship where I believe I’m far more important than necessary. He showed me that even when someone attempts suicide, they can live, and so can I. He showed me how wonderful my own company is, how peaceful and quiet, all by myself. How glorious.
I told a story.
And it’s completely over right now.
I see what is. Thank you.
“The thing about the past? It’s over.” ~ Byron Katie
Sometimes, when you want it to be another way….not the way it is….the sense of discouragement is awful.
I’ll never get there.
I can’t do this.
Nothing ever works.
I’ll be an overeater or a binge-eater forever.
I’ll never be a thin person.
I give up.
But can you really know that it’s true that you aren’t on a path to peace? To liberation?
You’re here, reading this, aren’t you?
Who would you be without the story that this learning process, or un-learning process, is taking too long? Who would you be without your stressful beliefs about yourself, and what a compulsive person you are, or how difficult your mind or your thoughts are to deal with?
Who would you be, right here in this moment, without the belief this situation is never going to be ideal, or over?
Recently an eating peace inquirer was saying she feels she’s made progress with losing her diet mentality (on the wagon, off the wagon type thinking), but wants to lose more weight.
As she continues investigating her thoughts, and even looking very specifically at what she’s eating and what she might tone down or reduce, without deprivation, I know she’ll find new awareness.
At one point in my journey of healing, I remember thinking I would never ever be over this horrible binge-eating problem. But then, as I connected with mentors, went into group therapy, learned to talk with people very honestly, risked being myself very naturally (the best I could at the time) and committed deeply to a life of peace and freedom….
….I noticed I returned again, even after a binge or turmoiled eating, to feeling open to studying what happened, and a willingness to stop being so terrified of change.
I’d also find calm again. I was never at the peak of horrible stuffing in of food all day, every day. Good to notice.
One day, I realized it had been awhile since my last restriction/self-starvation day and my last binge-eating day. The gaps got bigger between episodes, between the stress or isolation.
They got bigger, and wider, and bigger and wider and then one day, I knew I could promise to myself at the deepest level “I will never binge again” and know it was true. Even if I had the urge, or felt fear, I just knew I wouldn’t.
It was nothing like all the previous promises to stay on the diet or control myself or use willpower to force any cravings underground.
This was more like a knowing, a commitment, a depth of certainty that I didn’t have to follow any craving, or act on it, or be so threatened by anything in my life that the only option was to eat.
Watch today as I speak about this idea of being “done” with the obsession, and share a poem I remembered from just about the time of my very last binge (it was written in 1988).
Seattle workshop: Eating Peace rare 3 hour mini-retreat on How to do The Work of Byron Katie on eating, weight, body image and cravings at East West Books in Seattle, March 18th 3-6 pm only $25. Please pre-register here.
View your situation, without the thought I should look or be different, when it comes to the body.
This week in Year of Inquiry, we started our Month #7 together on a very profound topic: the body.
The body brings so much stress and painful thinking, it seems.
It gets sick, gets hurt, gets old. We have thoughts and beliefs about what it can give us (a partner, love, pleasure, attraction). We have beliefs about what could be taken away, or what we might lose.
In many ways, the body gives us every single kind of stressful possibility we could ever believe in about the universe and about life (and death). The body can be threatened, harmed, or gone.
There seems to be a really clear list of pros and cons about the body, right?
I’m in favor of the Pro List! I hate the Con List!
The thing is, when you believe these without a single question about whether they’re true….you can live an entire life on planet earth trying to manipulate, push, press on, get, grab and demand the Pro List.
Anti-aging programs, special fitness regimes, the right fashion, face-lifts, surgery, gym workouts, control, willpower, diets, money spent, fear, exhaustion, fighting.
I need to have the “Pro” list of things at all times, or at least die trying.
How do you react, though, when you believe you must do everything you possibly can to remain….healthy and alive and attractive?
Oy.
Very anxious.
Upset when looking in the mirror and seeing wrinkles, or flab, or cellulite, or pimples, or the “wrong” hair, race, age, gender.
Horribly frightened when getting a diagnosis of cancer, or another disease, or when I have an accident and lose an arm, or break an ankle.
These things happen constantly in the world, in life, and yet we freak out like they aren’t supposed to happen, like we’re SHOCKED.
I’ll never forget the moment when I came back to the doctor to get my biopsy stitches removed. Only four. It was a small weird looking bump on my thigh. I hardly thought about it for the week I had to wait for results.
But the doctor came in and removed the stitches and said “looks like it’s healing well. How about we talk about this after you get dressed again? I’ll come back in just a few minutes.”
Wait.
We have to “talk” about this?
A massive shot of adrenaline coursed through my system. Could this be cancer or something? What’s going on? Brain kicked into gear, pulling on pants very fast, opening the door to say “OK, I’m ready!” Heart racing as I hear the doctor’s steps return down the hall and the sound of the clunk of her grabbing my chart out of the wall-holder again.
The bump we biopsied was actually a cancerous tumor. A sarcoma. You’ll need to get the whole thing removed.
Now, this wasn’t that big of a deal in so many ways. I had surgery during only 2 hours, in a day clinic not a hospital, and had 50 stitches this time. But it was the kind of cancer, they reported, that rarely if ever moves through the rest of the body. In other words, the whole thing got chopped out, and it was over. I told people I had a fight with a pirate.
Except…..in the mind, of course.
In the mind, I went through the surgery about 148 times, give or take a few. Scenes would flash in my head: smoke rising from the devices they use to stop the bleeding, feeling the stings of many numbing injections with huge needles into the thigh, hearing the voices of the surgeon and nurses, looking up at the dotted ceiling, my mom coming in to help me walk out at the end with a completely numb leg.
Flash, flash, flash. Like lightbulbs going off repeating the events, over and over.
How did I react with the belief I need the PRO List in order to be happy, when this is not on the Pro List….this is on the Con List?
Angry. Frightened. Wondering how much more time I have. Wondering what age I’ll die at. Wondering if I’ll get cancer again, only worse. Thinking I should eat more broccoli.
Some people report when they get “bad” news of any kind in this body department, they prefer to hide. Not only do I need to survive, but I need to do it looking good, so if I can’t look good or calm or easy-going or peaceful, I’ll stay home!
So who would you actually be, without the belief you need it to be any kind of way in this body, in order to be happy?
Wait. What the….? You mean….?
Yes.
What if you really did not need it to be any other way that it is, in order to be happy?
What if….and this is really getting into wild uncharted territory….what if what was happening, was actually offering something incredible for my development, or my awareness?
What if what was happening was….interesting, good, had a benefit, or an advantage?
I’ve had the privilege of doing The Work with people from time to time on cancer or other terminal or difficult diseases.
They are incredible people. They can sit with their bodies, as they are, and open themselves up to wondering who they’d be without their stressful thoughts, their war, against cancer.
What if no war was necessary?
I noticed I still had the tumor cut out. Bye bye.
But there’s this strange feeling of excitement about watching this body and this life handle it. Not collapse, or remain terrified every moment of the day. Even with 148 reviews of the operation. Those reviews faded away, and vanished, with The Work.
As the Year of Inquiry group started this month of work on The Body, people had such magnificent worksheets to begin their investigations: Men don’t like women who are fat, They are threatening me because of race, The crick in my neck ALWAYS hurts.
Wow.
Turning the thought around: Having the body be like the PRO list is not required for happiness, or peace.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Well, I’ve had many happy moments since my tumor got cut off. LOL. And my skin is getting more wrinkling every day, and I injured myself badly several years ago, my back aches sometimes, and my right toe is going hammerhead….but I can find how wonderful this all is. I barely think about any of this.
I don’t have to stay here on planet earth forever. This is temporary. I’ll move along at some point, like everyone else.
I’ve slowed down. I don’t feel the need to go running for miles everyday like I once did. I have time for meditation.
These challenges gave me the invitation to surrender, to shift something at a profoundly deep level.
As one inquirer recently shared with me, who has stage 4 cancer, there is nothing in this world or lifetime that would be more perfect for her for teaching her to open her hands in gratitude, and letting go of control, than having cancer.
Amazing. Amazing.
“Use your imagination to give yourself a glimpse of who or what you would be without this thought. Don’t look for a better thought to substitute for the painful one. Just live for awhile in the space that opens up when you view your situation without the old thought. What would that be like?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need You Love–Is That True?
Question daily. Discover the truth. (And ask for what you want)!
And now for some more mental spring cleaning.
Yesterday the Money Inquirers met for the last time to listen, share and inquire into troubling money situations.
These can seem almost infinite.
Everyone got to fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a stressful moment with money, and then we heard three wonderfully different and common, powerful stressful situations with money.
1) I just got hired, ready to start my first day of training….and they email me to say oops, the previous employee is taking the position, sorry!
2) I’ve started a business, I have tons of training and experience, and I’m anxious about my hourly rate. I want it low to make it work for everyone. (But will people think it’s TOO LOW and not trust my expertise?)
3) My neighbor knows I’ve got money and don’t have to work at a job….but I resent her sending a donation envelope for her charity without ever getting to know me personally! She shouldn’t ask!
Aren’t these fantastic??!
Do they help you think about your own moments with money, and other people, and other people’s money or needs….or work, career, savings accounts, hopes and dreams?
The thing is, your money story can be so stressful you’re freaking out about it, and not even sleeping at night. And this goes for people who have a ton of money, or people who have very little.
So let’s take just one, through the process of inquiry.
Because an inquiry per day, keeps the freak-out away! (Kinda like an apple a day keeps the doctor away).
I’ve had every single one of these thoughts above….and many that these brave inquirers found on their fully written worksheets on their stressful situations.
Here’s the one that bubbled to the surface for me: he shouldn’t ask me for money.
Oh boy.
We were in a restaurant, and a whole bunch of people ordered different things, with separate checks for all. But my husband and I have been to that restaurant many times before, with the same awesome friends even, and we always combine our bill.
I ordered quite a bit more. He wasn’t eating a full meal.
Later, he asked if I could contribute for my share. He had kindly pulled out his card and paid the whole thing, including whatever I ordered.
I felt a little embarrassed for not thinking of it. And OK, I’ll admit it, a little disappointed. Like a little secret hope that this person, called husband, will pick up the tab.
Not long ago, a beautiful inquirer had a worksheet on HER partner, and how he asked for her to pay two-thirds of the grocery expenses since she had a kid from her previous marriage who was a 19 year old young man….who let’s face it, probably eats a whole lot.
These requests are completely fair, no question.
But this inquiry is for that little part that wants Someone Else to pick up the extra, or Not Mind about paying a little more. Someone Else shouldn’t care about that money. There should be a financial special benefit for sharing in partnership…..called they chip in more-than-whats-fair sometimes.
Yeah, that’s it…..Someone should want to treat me. He shouldn’t ask for money. She shouldn’t ask for money.
You can find your own situation where you’ve had this thought. Maybe it’s with a tattered person with a cardboard sign being a little aggressive on the corner.
Is it true?
Yes! Waaaaaah! I don’t like them asking! They really shouldn’t!
LOL.
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No. Not at all. I’ve wanted independence, freedom, clarity, and not to have any expectations about financial support….but to find my own strength and connection with money, and my own answers.
Who would you be without this story of wanting Someone to Not Ask?
I’d notice them asking.
I’d consider their question, freely, openly.
If I have a “no” for the answer and it seems fair (like someone asking for charity for example) then I tell the truth…..”NO”.
Byron Katie, talking with an inquirer upset about her grown young adult son asking her for money: “Let’s role play. You be your son, and I’ll be you, OK?”
Inquirer: Mom, can you give me some money? I want to buy some killer sunglasses.
Katie: No.
(Laughter).
Inquirer: But MOM! You’ve always given me money!
Katie: Honey, that’s absolutely true. I always have so far. And today, I’m not. I was lying in the past.
Inquirer: Dad gives me money, and more than you.
Katie: Isn’t that wonderful?
Inquirer: You’re selfish!
Katie: I know! I finally realized I’m very, very selfish! I haven’t been telling the truth, I’ve been all twisted up about saying “no” and I’ve said “yes” instead. From now on, I want to be fully honest. I love you very much, and I’m not giving you any money.
*PING*!
My mind has an Ah-Ha moment listening to this conversation (all paraphrased by the way, by me).
I become aware that it’s beautiful, and normal, and REALITY to be selfish and to ask for what I want.
It doesn’t even have to be fair, or equal, or just.
Anyone’s allowed to ask for whatever they want to ask for.
Anyone’s also allowed to say “no” to anyone asking. And if I feel worried about saying “no” I can question why it’s scary, or what I think it means about me that’s painful.
Turning the thought around: He should ask me for money. She should ask for money. I shouldn’t ask ME for money (expecting me to say yes when I don’t mean it). I shouldn’t ask them for money.
This doesn’t mean none of this should ever happen, it’s just seeing the advantages or examples of when they do.
If there really is no “should” or “shouldn’t” about what’s happening with money….who knows what is possible.
Now, here’s the actual truth of this situation with husband.
Several years ago when we met and into our dating (second marriage for both), I asked him if he would be willing to be the one to pay when we went to restaurants. I said I would pay him back, and pay for my part equally if he wanted it later, but I really would love him to pick up the tab and take out the credit card and be the one to have a wallet on him and make the actual payment on location.
I loved not having to remember to bring my purse. I loved someone else saying “I got it”. Maybe a little goofy, and old-fashioned. Or a lot.
But he agreed. This recent situation was one of the few times he said “I could use a contribution”. And honestly, he didn’t even ask me for exactly all of my portion of the bill.
So yeah.
Reality is kinder than my thoughts about it. Way.
“Everything turns out to be a gift–that’s the point. Everything that you saw as a handicap turns out to be the extreme opposite. But you can only know this by staying in your integrity, by going inside and finding out what your own truth is–not the world’s truth. And then it is all revealed to you. There isn’t anything you have to do. The only thing you’re responsible for is your own truth in the moment, and inquiry brings you to that.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
No longer a will of your own: Good news. No war required. No tugging.
The Living Turnarounds group just met yesterday afternoon and oh my, what a delicious inquiry delight.
Three people couldn’t make it last minute, for various reasons, so we had only five.
Which was rich, amazing and full.
Worksheet topics were the following:
interim minister at the church isn’t allowing announcements the way we’ve always done it
husband at the dinner table isn’t eating the food
I should know where I’ll live and work in my future…or else I’ll get stuck in a soul-sucking job
the worst that could happen when driving is passing out at the wheel
I voted for Trump, and am afraid everyone hates me
So brilliant.
I love everyone’s depth of honesty.
These people have the hang of The Work by being involved in this in-depth group. Some are in Year of Inquiry, or were in previous years, so have a ton of experience questioning their thoughts steadily over time. Some have attended the School for The Work with Katie.
They know not to immediately begin to try and solve other people’s worksheets, offer a ton of advice, or go on and on telling their story and justifying or explaining their pain from their own worksheets.
But I have to admit.
I especially loved the worksheet presented by the participant who was upset by all the Trump-haters.
Everyone got to do The Work on a key stressful belief from their upsetting situation….but this Trump voter was the very last. We took only 15 minutes to begin the process of questioning her first belief “these intolerant people are impossible for me to deal with!”
(She was referring to all the people ranting and raving about Trump on facebook, and the current political scene in the US. She felt surrounded, all her friends on the “other side”. If they only knew her thoughts….)
As a facilitator, I’ve had people many times now do The Work on the election, Trump, those who voted in Trump, and other related thoughts. I’ve heard Katie doing The Work up on stage with people with similar sentiments.
I love hearing a worksheet from someone standing in the other camp.
Someone in the group said “that worksheet could have been mine exactly” only she voted for Clinton.
How do humans react when they believe the thought that someone should be doing it That Other Way?
WAR! FIGHT! KILL! RUN!
Who would you be without your beliefs about that dreadful situation, those people against you, that difficult outcome, the scary picture in your mind?
What if you just simply couldn’t have the awareness of that thing, that group, that situation you’re against?
Who would you be without that belief?
I love that you don’t have to BE there, to answer that question. It’s using the imagination to wonder who you WOULD be, without your thought?
It’s an exciting thing to wonder about, to ask, to ponder. It turns your mind to other alternatives. You’re not all upset with What Is, you’re interested in What You Don’t Know.
Imagination kicks in, and it’s exciting instead of horrifying.
Turning the thought around: They should be doing it exactly the way they’re doing it. I shouldn’t be doing it like that (the way I oppose).
How could this be just as true, or truer?
How could it be an advantage, or interesting, or helpful…..even the BEST thing that could happen?
Woah. You mean? Are you serious?
Trump should be in office? My husband should be eating nothing at the dinner table? My sister should be giving me the silent treatment? My boyfriend should have turned out to be a loser? I shouldn’t know where I’m going to live? My minister should be shaking up the church? I should be experiencing panic attacks?
Well, why not?
That’s what this work is truly, madly, deeply about. It’s about questioning what we think is true that brings PAIN and SUFFERING and WAR into our minds and hearts.
Doesn’t it sound great to question these things?
Yes.
“Don’t settle for scratching the surface of things. Everything happens as it should; that’s just the way of it….I follow the way of it, which is always revealed in the moment. It’s God’s will, and it’s always crystal clear.” ~ Byron Katie
If you’re interested in hearing The Work from someone who voted for Trump, who has thoughts about those against her….stay tuned for a live inquiry jam session very soon, where I’ll facilitate her on this amazing worksheet. It will likely be a Sunday morning Pacific Time. Everyone welcome to listen in live, and share or ask questions after inquiry.
If you notice you also are needy…..no need to pretend it isn’t true. Pause, see, notice….The Work.
OMG that person is soooooo gushing, over-the-top full of praise, way too complimentary, ingratiating, very needy. They must want something.
Have you ever had that inner feeling about someone, like they’re Pepe Le Pew?
I have. Then I did The Work on them.
And guess what?
Perhaps even worse….have you ever had the feeling YOU were being too clingy, needy, desperate, grabby about someone, or about a relationship you were attracted to?
The thing is, compensating for your own needy feelings, your own wants and desires, or trying to suppress them….
….doesn’t really work.
This is what it’s like.
OMG I really want to hang out with that person. He’s awesome. Uh oh. I better not ever be needy. Being needy is gross. He said he doesn’t like dependency in others. I did The Work on that other guys neediness, which was gross. I’ll act nonchalant. I’ll be easy-going.
They want to cancel last-minute plans? No problem. They want to go to that restaurant, even though I don’t like the big screen TVs inside? No problem. They chose that movie with lots of scenes of blowing things to smithereens? OK with me. They want to see the play with the crying, sad ending? Sure thing.
I just won’t appear to need their love.
I’ve read the book.
Cool as a cucumber over here.
This is called skipping over the next step in The Work and avoiding the feelings of grief, sadness, dread, loss, or heart-wrenching disappointment.
I understand it. I’ve done it.
In one love interest, I already had The Work in my life, but I would “do” The Work over and over again on the man being totally uninterested in me (who I felt interested in) so I could be MORE detached, laissez-faire, and relaxed in his presence….
….all with the secret inside hope that therefor he’d propose, be more attracted, or want to betogetherforeverfortherestofourlives.
(No spaces between the words on purpose).
So if you notice yourself doing ANYTHING to try to be NOT what you are, or what you feel….
….good little hiding place for self-inquiry.
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
In this case: NEEDINESS!
Here’s how it unfolded for me.
First, with a quality (like “neediness”) you’ll probably already have noticed how someone else has it, and you found it repulsive.
The next thing that happened is you maybe did The Work, and discovered YOU had this quality, and found it repulsive (ahem, like my example, “neediness”, just saying).
You vowed without even knowing it that you would start working immediately (or continue “working” on yourself) on this quality. I will never, ever, ever be needy.
Oh, rats.
I realize something.
I am still totally 100% against neediness. I did The Work on that other person being needy, it pointed back to me, and now I’m determined not to be needy myself.
Important bulletin: I’m still against neediness.
This work is about the Truth. Noticing reality. Noticing what I’m at war with. Noticing my own pain, stress, suffering.
I myself shouldn’t ever be needy, make requests, ask for help, for food, for attention, for love.
Is that true?
Sigh. Yes! Aren’t enlightened people Non-Needy?
But can you absolutely know it’s true you shouldn’t ever be needy?
No. Because sometimes, I have been.
How do you react when you believe you shouldn’t act needy, detached, clingy or have any agenda whatsoever?
See above. I do things I don’t even like to do. I don’t hang up the phone.
Who would you be without the belief you shouldn’t be needy?
I’d just be here, with myself, noticing the desire for attention or support or security, and relax a little.
I’d maybe even….giggle.
I’d observe how brilliantly everything goes, even relationships, without my knowing a thing. I’d be so very aware of the part of me, as a beautiful inquirer said yesterday in the Eating Peace Process group, that’s very grounded.
Like a tree the way it blows wildly about, maybe loses a branch or two, but is rooted in the ground no matter what it’s winding up thinking or believing.
“You’re working at a deeper level. You’re not working with your psychology, to suppress, hold together, do affirmations, get the energy nicer. You’re going deep. You’re working with the blockages themselves, rather than the result of the blockages. Deep is the only place a solution exists. All the energy, attention, consciousness can now go to seeing the rock, on seeing, seeing, seeing…..If you center the energy back in the witness, in yourself, all these things will fall off like a snake, they will shed. You’ll start feeling peace where you felt disturbance. You are an extremely beautiful being, who needs nothing from anyone. The flower when it blossoms and opens in the morning naturally opens. It doesn’t need to receive, or to give. You are like this.” ~ Michael Singer
My very first stress when it came to food, eating, weight, body, fitness…..all started with believing I should look better, different, perfect, strong, and fit.
Before that, I was a little nervous about food and eating, and aware as a kid that being overweight wasn’t good according to the world of grown ups….
….but I didn’t really care about having a “good” body until teenage years.
But you can get stuck in that teenage mode of striving for the perfect “look” forever, if you don’t sink deeper into a more honest look at weight, body image, or your looks and what it means.
In this video, I make one suggestion on how to work with comparing your body with some other more perfect body out there in the world, on the TV screen, in the movies, at the gym.
Wouldn’t you rather find acceptance, appreciation and joyful laughter about having a body versus that crazed drive for looking your best?
