Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Something terrible is going to happen in two weeks (+4 wonderful events that are going to happen)

I’ve just returned from five days deep in the woods of Breitenbush Hotsprings, Oregon. Tom Compton and I had the best time together sharing The Work. We loved the collaboration so much, we’re doing it again next year. Stay tuned for updates for Breitenbush June 2020.

One week from today on Thurs June 27th 7-9 pm, in Seattle at East West Books, a wonderful evening with The Work. $30, please register here. Can’t wait to meet you in person if you’re able.

Summer Camp for The Mind, an online group for doing The Work (beginners to experienced–everyone welcome) starts July 8th.Come to one, or all, live sessions. We meet online on a forum, we share a session live Monday-Friday (pick the days that work best for your time zone) and everything’s recorded so members can listen to any session as their own meditation in The Work. Read about the schedule and how Summer Camp works here.

Divorce is Hell: Is It True? begins again for 8 weeks starting Sunday August 18th 11 am PT. My friend and colleague Nadine facilitates this enlightening course with me, and we did sell out last time we taught it. Course ends 10/13. Register here.

And….my favorite. A Virtual Year of Inquiry. What a wonderful experience of getting to know others so deeply through sharing The Work together for an entire year online (retreats are an optional add-on). Just. Wow. Right now this month YOI is in our last month together before we all enter Summer Camp For The Mind in July, and I secretly hope every single person re-joins as a repeater, LOL. Read about Year of Inquiry which begins Sept 10th or 12th here.

Sometimes, I begin to get super excited just thinking about the summer unfolding, the activity and joy of camping, travel, weddings, outdoor concerts, evenings where its light until 10 pm….

….and the preparation for a new fall inquiry group who will share an adventure together for an entire year.

This has become the norm in my summer.

It didn’t feel that way at first.

Something terrible is going to happen….How do you react when you think that thought?

I was anxious, looking on the calendar, feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things I needed to do: learn the technology, make the announcement, promote (ugh), share, offer, set up all the links and buttons so people could find out how to join and learn how to be in the forum.

The other day, I sat with an inquirer who was wanting to make something happen (get a job) and it reminded me of the dreadful feeling of responsibility for our survival, or our success, or what we believe is needed for happiness or comfort.

In my case several years ago, my list looked like this for the summer “plan”:

  • I need participants
  • I have a deadline
  • I need to create a great webinar that helps people ‘get’ The Work and Year of Inquiry
  • I must offer as much as possible every day, so people understand the value of doing The Work (virtual summer camp was born)
  • this is a huge project
  • this has to work
  • I need to support myself and my kids (and the way it will happen is with the programs I offer)
  • I need the money
The pressure to acquire money, as you know, sent me through the roof in anxiety in the past (especially by 2009) after the shock of divorce, believing I couldn’t make it, losing most of my possessions, not having a job, and feeling I had no one and nothing to support me.
There was a day when I might lose my last asset: my little 690 square foot cottage.
If I didn’t get income within 2 weeks, the foreclosure process would begin.
Have you ever had something like that become dire? Like a time bomb is ticking or the fuse has been lit, and it’s only a matter of minutes or days before “KABOOM!”
Funny that the word we use is the word “dead-line”.
A little dramatic, right?
Apparently a Civil War term, when someone in prison crossed a particular boundary line, they were shot. Dead.
But it feels like I will die, unless….
Let’s do The Work on this.
What’s your great fear that if you don’t do “x” you’ll be up sheit- creek without a paddle, as they say? You’ll be in dire straits. You’ll be dead.
It will be terrible, soon. Doomsday is coming.
Is that true?

 

Yes.

When I sat on my couch with a mortgage bill, and $10.16 left in my bank account, I felt sheer terror. I could hardly breathe. I mentally attacked the people who I believed was responsible for putting me into this position.

It was true. Bad things are coming, and soon.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that a crap result is right around the corner? Are you absolutely positive you’re in big trouble, or that your very life is threatened?

No.

I knew that not making enough money or having enough money to pay for my housing wouldn’t kill me. I knew that not having clients or customers, and taking the time to sleep, rest, do The Work, relax had to be OK.

I was aware I could relax WHILE looking for work. I could do the very best I could, and see where this went. I couldn’t guarantee any outcome, but I could know I did my best.

And I couldn’t in any way know what would happen in 2 weeks, or in the next Year of Inquiry group. No way to know any of this at all.

How do you react when you believe if you don’t do x, then something terrible will happen? How do you react when you think bad things are coming, and soon?

TERRIFIED!!

Images of lying on the sidewalk cold, shivering, dying, starving, homeless, lost, abandoned, needy.

For me, images of lying depressed in my mother’s basement, unable to stand up again on my own two feet. Images of never regaining the lifestyle I used to enjoy, the things, the opportunities, all the fun learning, the home, the creativity, the joy with my kids, the adventure, the social connections, the reasons to live.

Seeing myself as an elderly person who in the entire second half of her life never succeeded, who went on welfare and had to be supported by the state. Total failure. Bad mother.

A horribly depressing picture of the nearing future. Doomed.

But who was I without the thought that bad things are coming?

This is not about being in denial, like fake affirmations where I’m pretending a deadline doesn’t exist.

Without the belief “bad things are coming, and soon”….

….I notice this moment on the couch with $10.16 is very quiet, peaceful and supportive. I have a couch. I have a cottage. I’m breathing. I’m OK in that very moment. I even have two apples in the fridge and some canned food in the cupboards.

Without the thought of doom and gloom, I actually sit for awhile, and then I move. I’m listening to ideas in my mind that feel interesting or positive. I’m asking people for their ideas. I’m connecting, wondering out loud. I’m reaching out.

Without the belief in Impending Doom, I am very alive. Something kicks in like in the movie Apollo 13  “Houston….we’ve got a problem”. I look for my think-tank and my friends. I pool my resources. I go out.

All is not lost right now. This is not two weeks from now. This is today.

Not in denial. Responding to the circumstances. No complaints, just moving. Go.

Turning the thought around:

It will be wonderful, soon. Joyday is coming. (It is wonderful right now, happiness is here). 

Why couldn’t this be just as true, or truer?

Without my thoughts about the future, this moment is actually brilliant. Peaceful, supportive, non-threatening. I can use determination and fired up energy to respond to what’s happening.

I hear Byron Katie’s voice saying, about a dire, threatening situation in the past; “Were you OK?”

I notice I’m here now, despite going through threatening and hard situations.

Turning my thoughts around again: my thinking will be terrible soon, only in my thinking is doomsday coming. 

My thinking is actually terrible now. 

But only my thoughts. I can live with terrible thoughts–so far they’ve never killed me. They are invisible, they are only inventions of imagined future. I can notice that right here what I see, touch, feel, sit with is much more peaceful than my thinking.

“Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it. But only, always.” ~ Byron Katie

On my facebook live “show” this past Monday, I offered inquiry on nearly the same thought. Something terrible impending. Watch it here.

Love to hear about your adventures in believing something might very well go wrong, and noticing….

….it didn’t.

Share your experience with me, either on facebook or as a comment on Grace Notes on my website right here.

Inspiring to hear of The Work and freedom, and your share might help someone else who’s really scared right now.

Much love,

Grace

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I’m sure there’s something wrong, with me, with the world

Holy Moly my dearest inquirers…I’m organizing a lot right now for Year of Inquiry, which doesn’t start until September.

I’m also off on retreat and am driving perhaps as you read this, into the Oregon Cascades in the Pacific Northwest for five days of retreat.

Let’s pause and laugh. Remember humor?

Ahhh, that’s better.

Before Grace Note inquiry today, there’s a few lovely changes coming for Year of Inquiry. If you’ve been thinking about diving in to a regular practice with a small group for an entire year (our first calls are Sept 10th and 12th).

Here’s a summary of what’s involved in Year of Inquiry for you if you’ve been wondering or already sent me emails about it:

  • two zoom calls a week (Tuesdays 5:30 pm PT and/or Thursdays 9 am PT–most people pick one but you’re welcome to either one, any time)
  • new topic every month with a pre-recorded video presentation specifically geared to the topic (family of origin, relationships, fear, hurt, body, money, turnarounds, more)
  • private forum where we all share, write our work, get support, find each other when we need it (called slack)
  • facilitation training and feedback if you want to get more practice in supporting others (and yourself) with a monthly consult doing The Work on facilitating The Work. It doesn’t matter if you do this professionally, facilitating is a manner of being with other humans in a deeply supportive, trusting way
  • pairing every month with someone else in YOI, and (new) accountability and support in your partnering process (pairing is optional, but when you do it…oh boy what a learning treat).

And, a new important addition by request: anyone who has ever been a part of YOI can join month-to-month for a simple monthly fee. In other words, join for a period of time when you’re seeking extra inquiry support, and stop coming when you’re ready to take a break. ($145 a month). You’ll be rotated into the partnering pairs if you choose.

If you want to see what it’s like to be a part of a group traveling together in inquiry….a fantastic time to sample small group in inquiry is to participate in Summer Camp For The Mind.

Summer Camp begins July 8th and meets Monday through Friday until August 16th (no camp the week of July 15 though).

What cool thing about Summer Camp is you join by sliding scale.

OK, enough of these upcoming ways to connect with others in self-inquiry.

Let’s do The Work.

Have you ever thought there’s actually something wrong with you, and you need to fix it?

 

Fix your mind, fix your feelings, fix your urges (I raise my hand for all those binge-eating episodes), fix your propensities, dreams, fix your choices, fix your entire way of life?

Yikes.

This is a little grand and expansive, but the other day our Eating Peace Immersion group did The Work on the belief “there is something wrong with me”. Year of Inquiry has sat in the very same belief.

Actually, someone even said the other day “there HAS to be something wrong with me!”

Wow, what a profoundly upsetting thought, but is it really?

It’s worth taking a look from the most detached, observant place you possibly can, as if you are an honest, truthful investigator of this belief.

Let’s look.

I have my situations that “prove” this must be true that something is wrong with me.

It’s almost always around “not enough” of something or “too much” of something.

Not enough love, rest, calm, food, detachment, safety, kindness, money, success, whatever…Too much worry, doubt, fear, anger, frustration, dealing with people, responsibility.

But let’s look at the simple moment when you think this is true?

The question “where’s your proof?”

(I picture myself with head over toilet throwing up on purpose by sticking fingers down my throat, sorry for the graphic detail, but that’s where my mind goes).

Yeah. That’s wrong. And it’s all about me.

So looking closely at the movie of yourself doing that horrible “wrong” thing….

….is it true that something’s wrong with you?

Many people feel “yes, it’s true”.

If only I didn’t feel so much, believe my thinking, follow my impulses. 

Who are you when you believe it?

People doing The Work, and me too, notice a very vicious bitter cruel voice arising with this thought.

It’s the voice that believes violence makes change.

It also believes in taking credit for everything, whether damaging or successful. It’s entirely focused on owning all responsibility, and blame.

It’s partially right about violence enforcing change. Violence does make change. It breaks things, kills things, destroys things.

But who would you be without that belief that this is the “truth” and the only way to change, or that your problems are all about you being wrong and the culprit?

I notice when I think this way, I begin to wonder what else or who else was wrong, almost hand-in-hand with me being a problem, I’m aware of everything that’s a problem. I blame my family of origin, I hear my parents’ voices and their opinions, I see myself tiny and innocent getting walked over, I see myself freaking out about getting it right, becoming thin (that’s “right”..right?), I’m upset with school, religion, humanity.

Lots of proof.

I notice the list of right and wrong, almost like a religious thing.

I don’t trust whatever this deal is called “true nature”. What’s my true nature? It must be wrong. It must be cruelty and desperation and violence.

I jump to extremes and think all humanity is just….mean, self-centered, small-minded, willing to step on people to get theirs.

It’s very stressful. It can be a living hell. 

How I react with all these thoughts about reality, and myself being “wrong” is very angry with life, or God (if I use that word) or reality.

Hopeless, useless. Eat. Drink. Smoke. Avoid. Escape. Attack. Consider life worthless. Why are we all here? Sob.

Well who would you be without this belief that there’s something wrong with you?

Who would you be without the belief there’s anything wrong?

I know it’s completely weird.

It feels like passivity, but is that true?

Or is that swinging to some other place where I’m still believing my conclusions about life, about myself, about humanity….and they feel depressing, or frustrating, or very confusing?

When I slow it way down, though, and pause completely (or imagine pausing) then I notice a lot of energy flailing about, trying, moving, doing, not-doing, pushing, pulling, holding still.

Lots of energy waves moving.

I notice a Don’t-Know place.

This startling question “who would you be WITHOUT THOUGHT?”

That thought about wrongness, then that thought too, then the next one.

Like a little machine running that’s dead set on survival and Must Change….the mind is working over-time very busy with many ideas including keeping you in check with the belief “there’s something wrong here”.

And it must be righted.

But it’s not about you and how all-wrong you are.

Without the thought there’s something wrong with you….and you really just didn’t know….

….you might feel willing. Just a little open. Just a tiny bit willing to not know a single thing about where this is going or what this all is for, or what your obsessive thinking is all about.

I find it to be a stepping stone into something different, for a change.

Turning the thought around: there is something right with me. 

And I mean in the very act of doing something “wrong”. I know it’s weird, but see if you can find one thing.

I can find that my crazed eating led to seeking help and peace. It led to throwing out everything I thought I knew about being thin, being fat, or being greedy.

It led me to dropping my religion called “there’s surely something wrong with me” and endlessly making a game plan to fix myself.

Warning.

It may not be comfortable to give up your belief that there’s something wrong.

You might think “well, then how would I ever change?”

Tricky little rabbit.

You need to change, is it true? You need something that isn’t here, or to fix something….and I’m not saying you wouldn’t want to stop eating-smoking-drinking-drugging-spending-freaking out.

But is it true you don’t have what it takes to “right” your sail boat (a different kind of “right” like when a sail boat keels over, and then comes back to center).

No.

You weren’t born with something missing, or damaged so badly along the way you can’t find peace.

Sometimes, weirdly enough, you just have to notice you’re tired of looking elsewhere and you’re going to stop believing there’s something wrong with you.

People I work with around compulsions, and working with myself, I notice I can have a thought about doing that obsessive escapist thing….and not follow it.

Turning the thought around: My thinking believes something is wrong, only my thinking.

“My” thinking. Which is not even “mine”.

What do I want to notice here, in the big wide open field of this moment?

Perhaps it’s just a matter of noticing “I” have no idea what’s going on, and not even sure what “I” is, and there’s something of a witness here so curious, so very curious, so happy to be here, so aware of pain and suffering and also love and joy.

Which one feels more like truth, or what is natural?

The Tao doesn’t take sides;

it gives birth to both good and evil.

The Master doesn’t take sides;

she welcomes both saints and sinners.

The Tao is like a bellows:

it is empty yet infinitely capable.

The more you use it, the more it produces;

the more you talk of it, the less you understand.

Hold on to the center.

~ Tao Te Ching #5

Maybe there’s simply a choice, in all this freedom, of deciding which way I’ll see it. I don’t know. 

I do know, welcoming it all feels easier, smoother, less painful, less of a problem, non-dual. Not harsh, not violent, not perfect, not grabbing.

Centered, here, mysterious, wondering.

There’s sweetness in it. Maybe even humor.

“I don’t think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.” ~ Anne Frank

Much love,

Grace

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Body image honesty–I don’t like the way it looks

Most of us know the pain of body image angst.

The other day I had an interesting moment when someone said they’d be filming me from behind as I walked and ran.

Ummmm.

That doesn’t sound so good.

My thighs won’t look good. 

I look ugly, I look terrible, people will think x, people will reject me because of y, people will judge, they’ll know I eat x, they’ll think I do y, I’m reject-able because of this appearance.

It boils down to this body being wrong, off, unworthy, imperfect….

….and very, very, very important.

Who would we be without this terrifying story?

Who would we be without the stories and meaning we place upon “fat” or “thin” or “just right”?

Much love,

Grace

 

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Ewwww. Gross. Is it true? (+ First Friday 15 hours away, join me).

Tomorrow morning is First Friday! Which means open inquiry for anyone and everyone–listen or participate, you get to choose–from 7:45-9:15 am PT. (Also, for July, it will be SECOND Friday, same time…July 12th).

If you do NOT want to speak or be called on, and you want to listen-only, then pick Broadcast for the way you’re joining if you’re on your computer. You can also use your phone and remain on mute (you can let me know you can’t share if you want). I love how people join this call from their offices and headphones everywhere.

To be heard and to share, give feedback, or do The Work, use phone or WebCall.

We always start Monthly Friday with filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet as a meditation. Bring your pen and paper, or your device where you write….and we’ll begin right on time.

Join me here. Or dial 425-440-5010 pin code 305799# at 7:45 am PT.

If you like First Fridays….then you may also love Summer Camp for The Mind. Some wonderful inquirers join every year. It’s sliding scale donation, Monday through Friday daily inquiry sessions from July 8-August 17th. This is the best way ever to get the hang of group online inquiry. Simple telesessions in The Work. Come and go as you wish.

Read about Summer Camp here.

So where does our inquiry go right now, as I sit with laptop?

I just gazed out my cottage living room window into the trees I seem to look at daily when writing. It’s the very same chair I use when I meditate, or do zoom calls or facebook videos.

Something in the thoughts landed on relationships, since I’ve heard about them a lot lately with individual clients.

Those people. 

The ones we’re troubled by. Mild concerns or bitter despair in every interaction, or one past incident, doesn’t matter.

Especially those people we’ve had a hard time with in romance. 

Those people.

Three people came to inquire on trouble with romance in the past ten days or so. And I got a text from someone I briefly dated over a decade ago, who I did a lot of worksheets on back when.

The inquirers with their romance pain: I shouldn’t be reacting, I should let it go, they shouldn’t be so intense, they should support me more, they shouldn’t have been like that with me, I’m heart-broken. 

Funny, the minute I saw the text I received, my thoughts careened a bit off the road: WHAT?! Why is he saying he hopes I had a happy Mother’s Day and asking if I got any nice gifts? What a materialistic ridiculous person. 

In the extremely short exchange (I had said basically something like “surprised to hear from you!” in response back)….

….he let me know he’s had the same girlfriend for seven years.

Inside my mind: “Why are you telling me that? Is that why you wrote to me, to brag about something you’ve never done before in your life until your 50s? Do you think I give a rat’s ass?”

Heh.

Yah, it was that mean and it was there almost instantly. All the pictures in my head of dealing with him, almost wanting to wipe the phone off, like it got smudged. Eww.

Sigh.

I had a wonderful exploration on why the intense response to a simple text after over a decade. That’s how long the time period was between the last time I’ve ever spoken with him or texted or emailed or even heard about him from anyone else.

Yet this disgusted response was still there.

It’s almost like the inquiry was on this thought: “Ew”. 

Eeww.

Is it true?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know “Eew” is true?

(How do you spell “ew”)?

And, no. I can’t know a thing about the truth in this situation. I’m having an emotional mini-seizure. I see letters making words on a phone. And a bazillion images from the past and wonderings about who would ever date him and an urge to lash out. Past fear, hurt, confusion.

This is what happened when I saw his text and thought “ew”.

Imaginings and pictures about what is so, or guesses about his life and having the shivers, ten years older, and what it looks like–which is all based on thin air and mental creativity. Based on nothing but a feeling of “ew” in the past.

So who would I be without this repulsed and repulsive story of “ew”?

Noticing I have no idea who is writing those words as I read his text. There’s something incoming, I look, I notice, I write some letters and words (spells) back, there’s an exchange and a wave of remembering….

….there’s slowness and waiting and noticing.

“All life is imagined, without exception”. ~ Byron Katie

There’s even an honoring of the “ew” that appeared, like a teenager, and the memory of acting like one and considering him to be one as well at the time all those years ago.

No one doing it wrong, including me.

Turning the thought around: to myself. Ew.

Could this be just as true?

Yes. I could experience disgust and playful teenish angst towards me-myself-and-I and wonder what the heck I was even doing there in that relationship back then? Distracting myself from the heart-breaking pain I had just been moving through during divorce. Doing the best I could.

And what about the moment of reading the text? Am I not conjuring up old memories of being grossed out?

I notice them, I notice I’m not even trying to conjure, its just happening, and I can stop and not follow the trail of disgust.

Turning it around again: Welcome. (What’s the opposite of “ew”? It feels like “welcome”–you can be here, memories, response, reaction, texted words….it’s OK).

How is that just as true, it’s OK the words appeared there on my phone, as a text?

That’s all they were. Maybe 8 sentences total. Noticing waves of feeling about that whole era long ago, and that person’s name. Aware of how valuable our exchanges were for my growth, maturity, clarity.

Later on the same day as reading the text, I had the thought “I should have texted back that I’ve been married for seven years.”

Noticing the bizarreness of my wanting to one-up him, or annihilate his share, or brag myself.

Wow.

“Defense is the first act of war.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning it all around: thank you. 

Thank you for the crushing honesty, the cruelty, the desperate neediness, the grabbing, the pushing away, the attempting to control, the trying hard, the disappointment, the sadness and loneliness….the surrender.

From others, from myself. All of it.

Thank you all the romantic interests and exchanges and dramas for bringing me back to myself, and back to nothing. To surrender.

Can there be freedom after feeling so hurt by love?

Yes. Freedom beyond belief.

Freedom to have no idea what’s going to happen next. Freedom to have nothing else to say to Mr. Texter. Freedom to see there is no more texting, or communication, and it only took the tiniest reminder (a few sentences on my phone) to find the wind lets out of the sail quickly and a little more peace comes alive about the tortuous dramatic story over a decade ago, where it seemed I lost everything as I knew it.

I found everything as I didn’t know it. 

Turned around: Love. Roses. Yum.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Love to have you bring any of your judgey, stressful, painful, mixed up, frightened thoughts to the call tomorrow. Free Friday Inquiry, right here.

Other upcoming events:

  • June 27th East West Books evening 7-9 pm.
  • June 12-16, 2019 Breitenbush Retreat with Tom Compton
  • Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
  • Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
  • Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together
  • always free: First Friday inquiry power hour (90 mins) 7:45am PT
  • Eating Peace Annual Retreat Jan 15-20, 2020

 

 

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Closed mind about a closed drawer, Cancerous thinking about cancer…let’s do The Work

At Breitenbush Hotsprings, they hold a few extra spots for us for lodging and meals for the last-minute panic I-really-need-to-be-there sign-ups. Since it’s a big conference center with many little cabins, tent platform options, a campground, and dorm rooms in the great lodge (or cabin style dorms), they hold back just a few in case we have people dying to come to our retreat last minute.

Those secret hold-out spots (in beautiful cabins with all linens and towels included, some on the tent platforms where you bring your sleeping bags, or camping spots)….are about to be released to the public. This will happen in 2 days.

After that, the whole place will be sold out in the shake of a lamb’s tail. Call Breitenbush to find out the full cost for yourself based on your sleeping options. Three amazing organic meals provided each day, no cell or internet service, fresh pristine air and old growth woods, gorgeous hikes, a wild ice cold river, The Work of Byron Katie, companionship in inquiry, and silence. Call 503.854.3320.

I know Tom Compton and I are both so excited to welcome you to a true retreat from daily life, to investigate our minds and perspectives that feel troubling, worrisome, stressful, or very painful. No issue too great, or small, for The Work.

Really, you might say?

No issue too great, or small, for The Work?

Yes.

I once did The Work with one of my ongoing partners in inquiry for several years. Her “work” was on her kitchen drawer.

“It should open”.

It was a fairly new remodel. The drawer was supposed to open.

We laughed, she brushed it off almost, saying “what a ridiculous thing to do The Work on, I’m not even that upset!”

It was a profound hour in The Work, for both of us.

With the thought….images of poor contractors, hassles, making people come back and fix things, money honesty, hissy fits about design, irritability.

Without the thought….laughter, handling the issue, making a quick call, enjoying the contractor’s assistant who came to fix it, being clear about the charges and money exchanges.

Turned around: my mind won’t open in that very split second when the drawer won’t open

Another TurnAround: the drawer SHOULD NOT open (she found some interesting reasons why not, one of them learning how to adjust drawers, and how fascinating drawers actually are)

TA: the drawer shouldn’t open! How fun! How interesting! What do I get to turn towards, since it won’t open?

TA: I don’t open to myself, I sometimes flare up at myself when something doesn’t go “right”, I hit myself with critical thinking and rattle and jam and pull at myself….especially when I believe drawers (or anything) should behave differently. I think of myself as disabled, or unable, like the drawer.

Laughter followed this inquiry, which lasted an hour. I never saw the drawer myself (except in my own mind), but it made a huge impression on my own inquiry work.

I could understand the knife the mind slashes with, when one smallish thing happens that I think shouldn’t be happening.

And no issue is also “too big” for The Work.

This also continues over and over again to be true.

What do we see as the “big” stressful experiences of our lives?

Someone has died tragically, you are sick with a terminal illness, your house has burned down, you’ve lost all your possessions, you’ve been abandoned, you’re hurt.

We can still sit with a profoundly difficult situation in this present moment, and wonder.

Is what I think and believe entirely true about this?

Who would I be without this story?

Just one concept at a time.

This shouldn’t be happening, or shouldn’t have happened….

Turned Around: my thinking about this situation shouldn’t be happening (all the believing and images and panic I’m having isn’t based on absolute reality in this moment)

TA: What is OK, even though this is happening? Am I breathing? Yes. I am surviving, I am still alive, I am here right now.

TA: This situation SHOULD BE happening. There are advantages. Have I missed them? Can I find one, two, three?

I’ll never forget sitting in the audience of a man doing The Work on cancer, after I myself had a cancerous tumor on my leg removed. His tumor, in the brain, was still there despite surgery and treatment.

HE could find advantages for having cancer.

I sat and cried while I listened to him. He found that everything had dropped away that he previously thought of as important, and only love and connection with others, and with himself, remaining.

He found courage where he never thought it existed.

He found appreciation for cancer, instead of battling it endlessly with self-pity and aggression.

He had awareness of the temporariness of life, which we ALL have, cancer or not.

If you find you can’t seem to make the time, or you don’t do The Work unless you’re with other people….you might love dipping your toe in the water of inquiry through Summer Camp for The Mind.

We meet online, Monday through Friday starting Friday, July 5th with Opening Day (2 hours for this first Opening Day call). Every call is 60 minutes, and at different times so something fits your schedule. Come to one call, or all of them.

This program is the offering I do each year by donation (suggested donation $150-$400 depending on how many calls you plan on attending–and all the calls are also recorded).

We share in an online slack forum, no one has to talk, and you learn so much by listening. I can’t believe it, but we start in only a month. A great way to see if Year of Inquiry is also for you, or not.

Sign up here: Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry. Together we question.

“In so far as one denies what is, one is possessed by what is not; the compulsions, the fantasies, the terrors that flock to fill the void.” ~ Ursula K.LeGuin

Let’s not deny what is and scare ourselves, or irritate ourselves, with closed drawers and cancerous thinking.

Let’s do The Work, for peace which passes beyond all understanding.

Exciting.

Much love,
Grace

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The Work on doing, debt, and divorce….it should be different, can you know that’s true?

Breitenbush Hotsprings retreat with Tom Compton and me here. Only 12 days away. There are actually just a couple of spaces (it’s often sold out by about now, so maybe there’s a spot because it’s for YOU). We begin the evening of Weds 6/12 at 7 pm and end Sunday 6/16 at lunch. Call Breitenbush to register 503.854.3320.

Have you ever felt like you have so many things going on, you begin to fantasize about quitting it all?

Dramatic pictures of leaving it all behind and living in a hut somewhere.

Except I know someone who did that and it wasn’t fun. At all. Mind came with her. And suffering. And hardship.

Really….what helps is inquiry and noticing “overwhelm” and the expectations the mind has for what must be accomplished.

  • I should watch that learning video
  • I should complete my homework
  • I should finish watching the Pema Chodron meditation course
  • I should re-watch the Michael Singer course and re-read Surrender Experiment (that was soooo good)
  • I should be working on fall retreat location
  • I should finish that spreadsheet
  • I should be updating the website
  • I should be getting things ready for Summer Camp and Year of Inquiry

This is only a tiny slight beginning that veered off into business-like tasks. There are so many other things I should be doing too.

Like dusting the house, cleaning out the fridge, and ordering the trigger balls I’m supposed to get for physical therapy (which is WORKING).

OK, just ordered those. It was something I could do in five minutes, right in the middle of this inquiry.

I love how we humans like small, tiny, incremental changes. We like what’s manageable, what we believe we CAN handle. Order those trigger balls? OK. Done.

There’s something sweet about it really. Something realistic, normal, middle way, simple.

But I should do all those things I think I should do.

Is it true?

Those things are required if I want success.

Is it true?

How do you react when you believe you should do all that stuff. You know the list. The endless list. If you accomplish one thing, the next thing appears.

When I believe I should…I scare myself.

And when I’m scared, I either give up/give in, I quit, or I attack something or someone and feel like a rebel.

In the Eating Peace Program that’s running right now, several participants have the belief “I should do all the lessons, homework, journaling, calls, absorb all that’s offered here.”

Others aren’t thinking this, they are sitting steady with it, doing what they can. Taking one bite at a time, chewing, digesting, and then moving on. Or not.

A balanced way of it.

I’ve had the endless thought I need to x, y, z in order to be truly successful with money. Right now I’m failing. I’m building a mother-in-law apartment for my actual mother in my back yard, and turns out I need to borrow money for it that I didn’t want to borrow.

Drama enters the vision of the future. I’ve ruined my debt-free existence, I’ve broken my promise to never borrow anything or go into debt again, I’ve added years and years of work or worry to my life, I’ll never retire, I’m a poor planner with money and projects.

My divorce changed my entire trajectory of life with money and that was such a shame it ever happened twelve years ago. Ugh.

I should, I should have, I shouldn’t, I should. 

Me and money. A drama forever.

Is that actually true?

Sigh.

No.

How do you react when you believe you should or even in the past you should HAVE already?

Good lord.

We not only think we should be behaving, thinking, doing, accomplishing something NOW….but we also should be in the past, when it’s actually completely over.

How do I react?

Depressed, discouraged. Terrible images of the future. I’m 80 years old and working, and forgetting things because I have memory problems so I’m not helpful to clients and I’m on food stamps or a burden to others. I never saved for retirement, never achieved that success. I have images of a half-built MIL in the back yard, plywood, ugly eyesore reminding me of failure on a daily basis.

Cry.

I have images of what I expected with my life when I first had kids and got married, and how things have gone terribly downhill since then.

(Don’t worry, I know that is complete bull. These are the images though).

So who would I be without this story in the moment that I am not succeeding, and things are going wrong….and most importantly that I SHOULD be doing (or have done something) I am not? 

Ha ha!

I’m just here, noticing.

The humor I have at such a deep abiding place of child-like joy suddenly appears again.

But even if you don’t have ANY humor (not yet) about your situation, just notice this moment now, without a belief that failure is happening, or the list should be ticked off.

Imagine.

This is the art of imagination.

So is believing your thoughts.

Mind imagines, that’s what it does. So let’s give it a more open, expansive, wondering story, a surrendered story.

Why not? In this world of duality, it’s just as possible to dream of not having a belief be true than to find proof it is true.

What are the turnarounds?

I don’t have to do anything. I even SHOULD NOT do anything on the list. I should do at all.

Perhaps just being, which I notice I am already.

Nothing missing. Breathing in this moment, even when money is taking a nose dive, even when my feelings are challenging, even when failure appears to be happening.

Being. Here.

Are there good reasons for not doing anything on the list? What are they?

I need to borrow more money than anticipated, and it’s a good things because….

….it keeps me in this amazing business of inquiry, where it’s my job to inquire and share and question. It keeps me connecting to others honestly about money issues (like the architect and the builder).

It brings me awareness of how what happened in the past, including divorce, was brilliant. So many endlessly good reasons for that to have occurred in my life. I wouldn’t be writing this note, nor have thousands of people reading this (which is shocking) if I had not gotten divorced. My world expanded times 10,000.

So did my capacity to earn money and work with money, and it’s still a work in progress, which is AH-MAZING! It feels limitless, slow, steady, just right…which is peaceful, supported.

I love the dear ones in Eating Peace program who are a part of the revolution of not dieting, not forcing, and inquiring for freedom–the new friends/clients/students sticking it out in the exploration of the unknown.

All of us finding our way together. A mystery of love, support, truth.

And each one who feels too overwhelmed, good for me for assisting in my improvements, my refining, my openness to sharing and shifting whatever needs to happen to support everyone’s freedom.

I also love the one who divorced me for giving me such an incredible gift of strength and finding how to stand on my own two feet, and be with others genuinely in ways I never thought possible.

What do you find today that you thought you should or shouldn’t be doing….that is not fundamentally true?

Who would you be without your story?

And if all you can do is notice….that’s enough. That’s plenty.

To listen or watch Peace Talk podcast, my guest this time is Nadine Ferris-France. One thing we both went through and applied The Work like gangbusters?

DIVORCE.

She and I will be teaching an 8 week course called Divorce/Break-Up is HELL: Is It True?

We love working with those who show up. Such an amazing opportunity for wild, unexpected change….really.

Listen to Nadine’s journey, on far more than transforming beliefs about divorce right here:

To read about our upcoming course starting Sunday, August 18th online, visit here.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Turns out I should not do any of the things on the bullet list above. That’s the reality. Hooray!
Other upcoming events:
  • June 27th East West Books evening 7-9 pm.
  • June 12-16, 2019 Breitenbush Retreat with Tom Compton
  • Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
  • Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
  • Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together
  • always free: First Friday inquiry power hour (90 mins) 7:45am PT
  • Eating Peace Annual Retreat Jan 15-20, 2020

 

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Are you absolutely sure you want it?

We’ve all had the thought “I want it”.

Accompanied by the belief “I don’t care if I’m full and if it will make me sick, I’m eating anyways”.

But is that what you really want?

Are you absolutely sure?

How do you react when you believe you want it (food, or anything, honestly)….

….AND notice whether or not you also have the belief “I should not eat it”. (Often these two beliefs come in a pair).

Notice if you are thirsty and you want water….do you battle within yourself about acquiring the water, or stopping when full? Usually not.

What else happens when you believe you want it (and you shouldn’t)?

Who would you be without the belief you want that food?

Especially when you keep eating it–interesting to acknowledge the first bite when you’re hungry is relaxing and pleasurable, but several bites in, the belief has naturally changed.

“You want it” when you are no longer hungry–is that really true?

Who would you be without this belief? You might notice you actually DO NOT BELIEVE this thought already!

You’re overriding your own truth.

You want something else, you want to stop, you don’t want to feel sick, you want to release anxiety….but you don’t want “it” (eating this item, in this moment).

Turn the thought around: I do NOT want it.

Is this truer?

I want my thoughts about it, not the actual eating of it.

What feels true about that?

Why would you want to tell yourself you want something that you don’t actually want? Is there something frightening about noticing you don’t want it? Do you think you might be left with other wants that can’t be resolved, or are too scary to be resolved, or require discomfort?

Sit with this inquiry, using your imagination to wonder who you are without this thought.
Ahhhhhh. The end of war.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Retreat at Breitenbush Hotsprings June 12-16 has a few spots left. Come join me and the wonderful Tom Compton to soak in inquiry and peace. Call Breitenbush to make reservations 503-854-3320.
Other upcoming events:
  • June 27th East West Books evening 7-9 pm.
  • June 12-16, 2019 Breitenbush Retreat with Tom Compton
  • Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
  • Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
  • Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together
  • always free: First Friday inquiry power hour (90 mins) 7:45am PT
Posted on

I trust you to kill me

Breitenbush Hotsprings retreat with Tom Compton and me here. June 12 evening-June 16 morning. 26 CEUs, 24 ITW credits. Call Breitenbush with any questions (if your Q’s are about curriculum, hit reply and I’ll answer). 503.854.3320.

I’m having a moment.

I think I must be the luckiest person in the world to have such a job as sitting with people sharing this process called The Work.

I just hugged goodbye on Sunday all the fascinating people who came to spring retreat in Seattle.

Honestly, I never know how exactly any retreat will turn out. I have an inner collection of exercises to bring out inquiry, and we move into them if and when it feels right.

It’s like taking the temperature of this unique group, in this place and time, and digging into the medicine of self-inquiry.

And all that’s ever truly needed is The Work. Identifying our thoughts, writing them down, answering four questions, finding turnarounds.

In this past spring retreat, we considered a profound question we can ask (it’s written about in Loving What Is) that helps identify our beliefs about the world:

What’s the worst that could happen?

Everyone began where they were: writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on that stressful moment rising to the surface–the one yelling “look at me! look at me!”

Then, once we had investigated some of our thinking about our situations, we looked at worse case scenarios that rose to the surface.

These are the conditions the inquirers found painful in the particular work they were doing….The Worst:

  • the election goes a certain way, and my candidate loses and the other candidate wins
  • all my co-workers think I’m weird
  • I live in my childhood home for the rest of my life and never marry or have children
  • I die alone in an apartment at an old age, and no one notices
  • I can’t pay my bills
  • The disease never goes away
  • My partner leaves me for someone else
  • I’m married but living a separate life across the country from my spouse
What is one “worse case scenario” you notice appears in your mind?

 

I’ve probably had them all.

 

But so as not to be overwhelming, this question asking “what’s the worst that could happen?” can be placed on whatever is in front of you right now….the situation of concern in the moment.

 

It doesn’t have to be about the entire world or what you think of as the worst grand huge thing that could ever happen, like the planet blowing up or all humans being attacked by zombies.

 

We don’t have to get that dramatic.

 

In fact, I love noticing the fearful situations and images we have running in the background are often about being alone, having no support, needing something that isn’t here, suffering.

 

I’m losing something, I won’t get something I want (something’s missing). 
 

As I sat taking in everyone’s images during retreat of those difficult outcomes they feared, in popped an idea of my own:

I’ll never be successful like that. 

(Fill in the blank for yourself. Partner, Body, Paycheck, Income, Job, Business, Stage Presence, Creativity, Leadership, Patience, Enlightenment, Speech-Giver).

I see that other option, the one where someone has “made it” in show biz, they’ve invented something brilliant, they’re a famous surgeon, they have a partner who’s amazing, they have a way with people that is unique and genius, they’ve found truth, peace, love, abundance….

….Not me.

I don’t have that (whatever it is).

Not successful. Didn’t make it. Picture of me having some gigantic bill due and no more capacity to work to earn any money.

This is terrible that it turned out this way.

Is it true?

Well, it’s true I didn’t do it THAT way (success image in my head).

But can you absolutely know it’s true that this terrible situation is All Horrible All The Time?

No.

How do you react when you think THIS is not good….THAT is much better, more successful.

Very disappointed. So sad. Like the air is let out of my sail, or out of the balloon. I’ll never have THAT, oh sad day. Pity for myself. Self-criticism or self-abuse: I never, I should have, I didn’t….

And I treat this moment, and me inside it, as if it’s not good enough.

A complaint.

Who would you be without your thought that this is terrible (that worse case scenario)?

Hmmm.

I’d notice, in my situation (end of life, no money, big bill) that things are extremely simple. Simple room, simple chair, not too many gizmos and gadgets around. Sweet quiet.

The bill will soon not be much of a problem (I’ll be dead). But right now, it’s not one either.

It doesn’t mean I don’t care, or that I’m ignoring it. I have a CAN-DO feeling about it. I’m asking for help from experts. I have a phone.

Turning the thought around:

This situation–yes, the same one we just pictured (the worst)–is actually the BEST way it could ever go.

THIS is success, for me.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

I love how during the retreat as I suggested “why would this situation be the BEST thing that happened?”….

….one woman gasped out loud and said “Oh Grace! No!”

Chuckle.

And then, she began to find examples.

One, then two, then three.

People are amazing.

Who would you be if you were not afraid that life might not go the way you like?

Open. Strong. Joyful.

Now, that sounds like success to me, especially when things look a little dire and we’re not sure what’s going to happen.

Breitenbush Hotsprings, Oregon retreat June 12-16th still has a few spots, but it’s almost full. It’s 3 weeks away from last night.

What if you could leave the weight of worry about worse-case-scenarios in the river at Breitenbush?

Join us. 503.854.3320

And even if you never, ever go on a retreat, you can do this work.

You can question your thinking about “terrible” and “worse” and turn your thinking around….to “wonderful” and “best”.

I’d love to hear what you find, if you can find examples.

….If you can’t do this work yourself, don’t worry.
You don’t even have to make a decision,
one way or another. The Friend, who knows
a lot more than you do, will bring difficulties,
and grief, and sickness,
as medicine, as happiness,
as the essence of the moment when you’re beaten,
when you hear Checkmate, and can finally say,
with Hallaj’s voice,
I trust you to kill me.
~ From Checkmate
by Jalaluddin Rumi

 

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

The one thing that must happen to shift your eating permanently

If questioning our mind is also known as meditation, then identifying our thoughts and asking four questions–especially when they are stressful–is a process of developing a deep, unconditional friendship with ourselves.

Opening up to looking at this mind, and seeing what it’s saying (and taking it to inquiry) is not so easy.

But noticing what takes you away from simply eating when hungry, and stopping when full….those are thoughts in the mind. Those are feelings that have followed thoughts.

The good news is, we can question them. We can actually meditate.

We can practice, just a little bit, each day.

We can notice what we feel is “too much” about life or “not enough” about life.

Go easy on yourself with this.

Identify one thought only at a time, when you feel like eating when not hungry or starving yourself when your body needs some food.

Just one thought (the one on top, as Byron Katie says) and question it using The Work.

1) Is it true?

2) Can I absolutely know it’s true?

3) How do I react when I believe this thought? (I get scared, lonely, angry, sad…and I eat)

4) Who would I be without this thought?

Can I find turnarounds? The complete opposite of the thought?

Bottom line: if you have stressful eating, then you are thinking in a stressful way, and feeling in stressful ways, and these beliefs are based on lies.

Lies make you eat too much, or not enough.

Question them, and the eating will shift.

Much love,
Grace
Other upcoming events:
  • June 27th East West Books evening 7-9 pm.
  • June 12-16, 2019 Breitenbush Retreat with Tom Compton
  • Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
  • Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
  • Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together
  • always free: First Friday inquiry power hour (90 mins) 7:45am PT
Posted on

You can’t have anything (like the future perfect version of what you think you want). So let’s slow down.

Have you ever yelled at yourself the word HURRY?! 
On the inside of your head without actual sound coming out of your mouth?
I was gathering things together for retreat: copies, folders, little notebooks (new ones arrived in the mail), little books, tea.
 
Wow, can it be incredibly stressful.
I once heard a wise person comment about the current culture of both education and business: “we have hurry sickness”. 
 
I caught myself feeling it.
Hurry up and get the copies made, hurry and sort through the name tags.
Hurry and announce it one more time because 3 people have cancelled fairly last minute, and I’ve got a surprising amount of space I haven’t had in several years.
And then, I noticed no one from the Seattle area is attending.
People are flying from Mexico, California, Chicago, Oregon, driving from British Columbia Canada, across the state coming from Eastern Washington….who is attending from Seattle?
Wait. No one? Why aren’t they?
Where are the locals? What’s going on?
I must have completely forgotten to spread the word right in my own back yard.
Hurry, hurry, spread it now. Maybe there will be someone last minute who is a therapist who could use 26 CEUs….let’s GO GO GO!
(Can you hear the cheerleading bootcamp director voice yelling?)
Sigh.
Is it true it needs to be different? (Watch my facebook live I always do Mondays at 2 pm PT on thoughts people share with me and meditations in The Work. I talked this inquiry through right out loud–scroll down to the video to see the post).
Can you absolutely know it’s true it needs to be that other way?
That “better” way?
Are you sure?
No.
People will have this thought about finding partners, making money, having a perfect wedding, landing a job…doing all the things we do that appear to be labeled “success”.
How do you react when you believe it needs to go differently than it’s going? Better than it’s going? More, or Less, than it’s going?
Arggggghhhh. Growl. Fume. HURRY.
Maybe you bang into the table on the speedy way around the corner and you cuss.
So who would you be without the thought “HURRRRRRYYYYYY!!” (Because, it needs to be different so you have quick work to do)?
Ahhhhhhh.
Thrilled about this lovely spring afternoon moment. Joyful with the unemployed situation that looks a bit dire, but noticing I’ve got food shelter and clothing and all I need. Laughing at the thunderstorm of biblical proportions on the wedding day and the fun of everyone’s sharing it together.
Clapping excitedly at the adventure of Not Knowing where this is going, and how fascinating it truly is along the way.
Turning it around: This is good here, the way it is. The way it is going is actually better than the vision or picture in my head. My thinking is in a hurry–it’s the one that wants to jump into the future and then careen wildly into the past.
Except for my thoughts, nothing is really “hurrying” and there’s no future at all in this moment right now, and no need to do a thing.
Yippee!
And here’s another Peace Talk podcast. My guest today is Jerry Mac who is a certified facilitator of The Work and he shares his fascinating story of how he came to be interested, then committed, to doing his work. The Work.
Listen here on itunes. Download it directly here.
“You can’t have anything. You can’t have any truth. Inquiry takes all that away. The only thing that exists for me is the thought that just arose. Prior to that there was no existence at all. There’s nothing to create. There’s no one, creating nothing. So again and again, we return to the space between thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie
And all together now, let’s yell (or maybe we should sing? Or whisper?) “SLOOOOWWWWW!!” 
 
Much love,
Grace
Other upcoming events:
  • June 27th East West Books evening 7-9 pm.
  • June 12-16, 2019 Breitenbush Retreat with Tom Compton
  • Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
  • Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
  • Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together
  • always free: First Friday inquiry power hour (90 mins) 7:45am PT