Holy Moly my dearest inquirers…I’m organizing a lot right now for Year of Inquiry, which doesn’t start until September.
I’m also off on retreat and am driving perhaps as you read this, into the Oregon Cascades in the Pacific Northwest for five days of retreat.
Let’s pause and laugh. Remember humor?
Ahhh, that’s better.
Before Grace Note inquiry today, there’s a few lovely changes coming for Year of Inquiry. If you’ve been thinking about diving in to a regular practice with a small group for an entire year (our first calls are Sept 10th and 12th).
Here’s a summary of what’s involved in Year of Inquiry for you if you’ve been wondering or already sent me emails about it:
- two zoom calls a week (Tuesdays 5:30 pm PT and/or Thursdays 9 am PT–most people pick one but you’re welcome to either one, any time)
- new topic every month with a pre-recorded video presentation specifically geared to the topic (family of origin, relationships, fear, hurt, body, money, turnarounds, more)
- private forum where we all share, write our work, get support, find each other when we need it (called slack)
- facilitation training and feedback if you want to get more practice in supporting others (and yourself) with a monthly consult doing The Work on facilitating The Work. It doesn’t matter if you do this professionally, facilitating is a manner of being with other humans in a deeply supportive, trusting way
- pairing every month with someone else in YOI, and (new) accountability and support in your partnering process (pairing is optional, but when you do it…oh boy what a learning treat).
And, a new important addition by request: anyone who has ever been a part of YOI can join month-to-month for a simple monthly fee. In other words, join for a period of time when you’re seeking extra inquiry support, and stop coming when you’re ready to take a break. ($145 a month). You’ll be rotated into the partnering pairs if you choose.
If you want to see what it’s like to be a part of a group traveling together in inquiry….a fantastic time to sample small group in inquiry is to participate in Summer Camp For The Mind.
Summer Camp begins July 8th and meets Monday through Friday until August 16th (no camp the week of July 15 though).
What cool thing about Summer Camp is you join by sliding scale.
OK, enough of these upcoming ways to connect with others in self-inquiry.
Let’s do The Work.
Have you ever thought there’s actually something wrong with you, and you need to fix it?
Fix your mind, fix your feelings, fix your urges (I raise my hand for all those binge-eating episodes), fix your propensities, dreams, fix your choices, fix your entire way of life?
Yikes.
This is a little grand and expansive, but the other day our Eating Peace Immersion group did The Work on the belief “there is something wrong with me”. Year of Inquiry has sat in the very same belief.
Actually, someone even said the other day “there HAS to be something wrong with me!”
Wow, what a profoundly upsetting thought, but is it really?
It’s worth taking a look from the most detached, observant place you possibly can, as if you are an honest, truthful investigator of this belief.
Let’s look.
I have my situations that “prove” this must be true that something is wrong with me.
It’s almost always around “not enough” of something or “too much” of something.
Not enough love, rest, calm, food, detachment, safety, kindness, money, success, whatever…Too much worry, doubt, fear, anger, frustration, dealing with people, responsibility.
But let’s look at the simple moment when you think this is true?
The question “where’s your proof?”
(I picture myself with head over toilet throwing up on purpose by sticking fingers down my throat, sorry for the graphic detail, but that’s where my mind goes).
Yeah. That’s wrong. And it’s all about me.
So looking closely at the movie of yourself doing that horrible “wrong” thing….
….is it true that something’s wrong with you?
Many people feel “yes, it’s true”.
If only I didn’t feel so much, believe my thinking, follow my impulses.
Who are you when you believe it?
People doing The Work, and me too, notice a very vicious bitter cruel voice arising with this thought.
It’s the voice that believes violence makes change.
It also believes in taking credit for everything, whether damaging or successful. It’s entirely focused on owning all responsibility, and blame.
It’s partially right about violence enforcing change. Violence does make change. It breaks things, kills things, destroys things.
But who would you be without that belief that this is the “truth” and the only way to change, or that your problems are all about you being wrong and the culprit?
I notice when I think this way, I begin to wonder what else or who else was wrong, almost hand-in-hand with me being a problem, I’m aware of everything that’s a problem. I blame my family of origin, I hear my parents’ voices and their opinions, I see myself tiny and innocent getting walked over, I see myself freaking out about getting it right, becoming thin (that’s “right”..right?), I’m upset with school, religion, humanity.
Lots of proof.
I notice the list of right and wrong, almost like a religious thing.
I don’t trust whatever this deal is called “true nature”. What’s my true nature? It must be wrong. It must be cruelty and desperation and violence.
I jump to extremes and think all humanity is just….mean, self-centered, small-minded, willing to step on people to get theirs.
It’s very stressful. It can be a living hell.
How I react with all these thoughts about reality, and myself being “wrong” is very angry with life, or God (if I use that word) or reality.
Hopeless, useless. Eat. Drink. Smoke. Avoid. Escape. Attack. Consider life worthless. Why are we all here? Sob.
Well who would you be without this belief that there’s something wrong with you?
Who would you be without the belief there’s anything wrong?
I know it’s completely weird.
It feels like passivity, but is that true?
Or is that swinging to some other place where I’m still believing my conclusions about life, about myself, about humanity….and they feel depressing, or frustrating, or very confusing?
When I slow it way down, though, and pause completely (or imagine pausing) then I notice a lot of energy flailing about, trying, moving, doing, not-doing, pushing, pulling, holding still.
Lots of energy waves moving.
I notice a Don’t-Know place.
This startling question “who would you be WITHOUT THOUGHT?”
That thought about wrongness, then that thought too, then the next one.
Like a little machine running that’s dead set on survival and Must Change….the mind is working over-time very busy with many ideas including keeping you in check with the belief “there’s something wrong here”.
And it must be righted.
But it’s not about you and how all-wrong you are.
Without the thought there’s something wrong with you….and you really just didn’t know….
….you might feel willing. Just a little open. Just a tiny bit willing to not know a single thing about where this is going or what this all is for, or what your obsessive thinking is all about.
I find it to be a stepping stone into something different, for a change.
Turning the thought around: there is something right with me.
And I mean in the very act of doing something “wrong”. I know it’s weird, but see if you can find one thing.
I can find that my crazed eating led to seeking help and peace. It led to throwing out everything I thought I knew about being thin, being fat, or being greedy.
It led me to dropping my religion called “there’s surely something wrong with me” and endlessly making a game plan to fix myself.
Warning.
It may not be comfortable to give up your belief that there’s something wrong.
You might think “well, then how would I ever change?”
Tricky little rabbit.
You need to change, is it true? You need something that isn’t here, or to fix something….and I’m not saying you wouldn’t want to stop eating-smoking-drinking-drugging-spending-freaking out.
But is it true you don’t have what it takes to “right” your sail boat (a different kind of “right” like when a sail boat keels over, and then comes back to center).
No.
You weren’t born with something missing, or damaged so badly along the way you can’t find peace.
Sometimes, weirdly enough, you just have to notice you’re tired of looking elsewhere and you’re going to stop believing there’s something wrong with you.
People I work with around compulsions, and working with myself, I notice I can have a thought about doing that obsessive escapist thing….and not follow it.
Turning the thought around: My thinking believes something is wrong, only my thinking.
“My” thinking. Which is not even “mine”.
What do I want to notice here, in the big wide open field of this moment?
Perhaps it’s just a matter of noticing “I” have no idea what’s going on, and not even sure what “I” is, and there’s something of a witness here so curious, so very curious, so happy to be here, so aware of pain and suffering and also love and joy.
Which one feels more like truth, or what is natural?
The Tao doesn’t take sides;
it gives birth to both good and evil.
The Master doesn’t take sides;
she welcomes both saints and sinners.
The Tao is like a bellows:
it is empty yet infinitely capable.
The more you use it, the more it produces;
the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
Hold on to the center.
~ Tao Te Ching #5
Maybe there’s simply a choice, in all this freedom, of deciding which way I’ll see it. I don’t know.
I do know, welcoming it all feels easier, smoother, less painful, less of a problem, non-dual. Not harsh, not violent, not perfect, not grabbing.
Centered, here, mysterious, wondering.
There’s sweetness in it. Maybe even humor.
“I don’t think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.” ~ Anne Frank
Much love,
Grace
Great stuff. Thank you!
While reading your note, this popped:
Who would I be without the thought “I have a mind?” Is it true?
Wow!
Merci beaucoup Grace!
Love this, Richie!! Circling back after being away for a bit (on retreat).Love this “I have a mind”–is it true? LOL. Great question. And answer!–Much love, Grace