Month: July 2016

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What she said really, really hurt

depressed1
When someone called you a name, did you believe them?

I receive a lot of emails but one of my favorites came in yesterday.

Subject line: the work works

“I sat down and wrote a Trash Your Neighbor. By the time I had written, fumed, and done The Work, the whole dynamic shifted. The part that surprised me was the change in [other person]. We had a lovely evening. With love and gratitude to you, Mom.”

First of all, my heart bursts with how cute my own mom is and the way she does The Work. She even took one of my classes on doing The Work When You Work For Yourself (back before it became the class on Money). She’s had her own business for 25 years.

But my favorite part was the way Judge Your Neighbor has become Trash Your Neighbor.

Isn’t that hilarious?

And it really is the spirit of the thing.

Childlike, adolescent, mean, nasty, feisty, unedited, judgey, critical, rude, name-calling.

Many people can hardly write this way at the beginning. They feel so bad about their thoughts. So embarrassed!

When people DO go ahead and write their worksheet, they think, “If this person ever read these words I’ve written about them, or found this Judge Your Neighbor (er, or is that Trash Your Neighbor) Worksheet, or heard me say this…..they would be mortified. I would be mortified. They would be wounded to the core.

People have asked me to shred their worksheet when we’re done with a mini retreat, or a session. I even have a dark brown unmarked envelope where I keep JYNs for people in storage, in between the times they visit to do The Work.

A memory.

I’m hiding under one of my sister’s beds, the one I’m closest to in age. I dove there when we heard footsteps coming up from the ground floor, most likely one of our other sisters (there are four of us girls altogether).

I whisper “if it’s E, ask her what she thinks about me and DON’T SAY I’M HERE!”

E enters the room. I can feel it, from under the bed. I can see her shoes moving towards the middle of the floor, closer to my other sister.

My other sister, the one I feel closer to, says a little awkwardly….”so, hey, um, I have a question for you, um, so what do you think of Grace?”

Pause. Silence hangs in the air.

“I think she’s a bitch.”

A huge sweep of shame rises from my gut through my chest into my face and while E says….

….”Wait, is she in here?”….

….I fly like lightening from under the bed and race out of the room in less than one second, skipping stairs two or three at a time down, through the kitchen, out the door, running through the alley and in the street. Just, running. Tears coming out of my eyes.

After awhile, I slow down, pause, I turn around, and I start to walk slowly back home.

It’s almost dinner time when I return.

My mom rings the cow bell and everyone is supposed to come right away who hasn’t been assigned table-setting duty.

I go to the table, and fake like nothing happened. Conversation, eating, passing the salt, quiet. E and I never look at each other. She’s across the table and one seat over. I pretend she doesn’t exist. My cheeks are hot.

Now, I’m doing my work on that moment, so aware it felt like a horror show, the feelings were so immense of hurt. And guilt.

She trashed me! And I heard it!

I do this work from my 11 year old self, right in that vivid moment.

She shouldn’t think I’m a bitch. I need her to love me.

Is it true?

Yes. This is horrible. I can’t take the crushing criticism. I should have known. She hates me.

Are you absolutely sure she shouldn’t think you’re a bitch? Are you sure you need her to love you?

Are you sure they’re saying that MEANS it’s TRUE? Is it really something to be ashamed of?

No.

How do I react when one of my sisters says about me that I’m a bitch?

Devastated. Shocked. Wall goes up between me and this person, like a 4 foot cement barrier, never to come down.

She even used a swear word.

So who would I be without this thought that she shouldn’t have thought what she thought, said what she said, and shouldn’t have called me a bitch?

Well. My first thought, from my 11 year old self, is “it’s a free country”!

In other words, people can think what they think, feel what they feel. I mean, jeez.

Without the thought that I’m destroyed by it, or should be ashamed, or that I need her to not have ever said, or thought, I’m a bitch….

….I might wake up to how angry she is with me.

Gosh, I wonder why.

Maybe it’s because I ignore, manipulate, hide under beds and play tricks on her. Maybe it’s because I never ask her a single question about herself or her life.

Maybe she’s right! Gasp!

I turn the thought around: she should think I’m a bitch, and she definitely shouldn’t love me….Now that I’ve seen how I treat her, I might think the same thing.

I shouldn’t think she’s a bitch. I shouldn’t think she’s someone awful, or boring, or worthy of ignoring or mocking (I’ve done it) or teasing or tricking.

And finally, I shouldn’t think I am a bitch. The minute she said it, my whole body froze and went into panic mode with shame and fear.

Truth be told, I needed that ice cold bucket of water over my oldest-sister oldest-daughter boss-of-everyone attitude. It was probably about time.

I didn’t have The Work back then.

But I did have connection, and the ability to have a broken heart. Like other humans, I had feelings. So did my sisters. It was a wake-up call to respecting them, and to not taking everything so incredibly personally.

A growing up moment. A moment I can revisit, over 40 years later, and notice how the universe supported me by hearing those words.

I see now, in moments like this, what Byron Katie means when she says “love kills”.

I knew there was something cracked open there, in that moment age eleven…..and it came from lack of love.

“Love is the power, and it won’t be distracted.” ~ Byron Katie

Thank you to everyone who called me names. Those brave souls breathed some significant life into my inner growth, acceptance, kindness, gentleness and capacity to love. It raised the fire up, I felt the passion of the “cut” and knew who to move towards and connect with.

Me. Them. Us.

That same sister, ten years later, I adored and respected…..and still do.

She really, really hurt me? More like, she really, really helped me.

Maybe even healed me by slowing down a huge 11 year old ego-fire, or a huge 11 year old ultra-sensitive scaredy cat.

Actually, she’s the one who suggested the School for The Work.

Need I say more?

Much love,

Grace

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Are you sure it’s disappointing?

if you're disappointed....time to question your thoughts
if you’re disappointed….time to question your thoughts

In the past year, I’ve received a few questions from people connected to the Institute for The Work (ITW) about credits for programs I offer, but especially Year of Inquiry.

(In case you’re not familiar with ITW, it’s a very thorough in-depth training and certification program in Facilitation of The Work created by Byron Katie and many others in 2008).

I finally decided to write to the institute friends and ask about whether or not Year of Inquiry could offer more credits for these folks training to become certified facilitators.

Just the other day, I found out….not yet.

First, I need to offer some of their teleclasses inside the Institute, and teach their curriculum.

It makes sense. They need to see me in action as a teacher, get evaluations from people taking the courses, get super familiar with the curriculum inside ITW.

I had this little let-down though.

I had gotten all excited. They ran it by Katie. It sounded like I might very well be able to call my one year program the equivalent to a 9 day School for The Work plus 80 more hours of partner training in facilitation.

That would have been a lot of credits people could get, for taking Year of Inquiry!

Have you ever found out some exciting, maybe unexpected news….and thought Oh Cool! That sounds great!

You get excited and have visions of the way it will be.

It was like a little journey inside the head….I might be able to offer ALL THOSE CREDITS to people….wowwee!

Imagination goes off on thrilled tangent at how awesome it is because more people will like this and sign up, it will help them, this is an acknowledgement of the beauty of the program.

Then….wait. No, it turns out. Not gonna happen.

Imagination goes off on a disappointed tangent. Too bad because now no one will sign up, people like credits so they won’t like this, I’m doing it wrong.

It is HILARIOUS how the mind runs rampant with one new idea, and what it thinks it means, all in a course of literally a few days.

Now, here’s the great, great, great and I mean great news about all this.

There was a strong part of me, a place I was looking from the whole time, that was unmoved and completely undisturbed.

It had no idea what would be best here. It watched with a neutral eye.

It’s like there was a twinkle of fun in the whole thing.

And I notice plans for Year of Inquiry moving forward, with joy, with or without credits.

How do I know I’m supposed to carry on, and for now it doesn’t matter? It feels right. It feels brilliant and exciting.

It feels like the perfect format for some people, those who don’t care about certification credits (just like it’s always been so far) who want to keep returning to The Work over and over, week after week, every month, all year.

Year of Inquiry is for those who want to answer the four questions deeply without giving up or quitting, or dreaming of doing The Work without DOING it.

I organized it because I needed it, and I still love it.

The most remarkable people tend to show up. This is not surprising. People who know they want to quiet themselves down, slow their minds down, and become more loving and kind with the world and with themselves.

Who would I be without the story that having mega-credits to offer participants in Year of Inquiry would have been the better outcome?

Trusting. Happy. Laughing.

Thrilled to implement the newer format I have planned, and the longer 4 day retreats for both autumn and spring, and the new webinar that’ll be at the beginning of each month on the topic with guidance through a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and the more in-depth partner work for those who want it, and the monthly in-person group again.

Who would you be, right in this moment, without the belief that it should have gone that other way? The way you were hoping it might go, even if just for awhile?

Who would you be without the belief that you should have been with that other partner, or it would have been better in the other job or position, or it would have been better if you got the second house instead of the first, or it would be better if you had a possible $25 instead of the $10 in your hand right now, or you had gotten the green one instead of the red one?

Turning the thought around: the way it’s going is perfect. Everything unfolding in just the right timing, in just the right way, for the highest good for all.

Can you find this feeling within, for your situation?

How could this be as true, or truer, for the Year of Inquiry program?

Well, I don’t have to evaluate others on their facilitation skills or their awareness, or for any reason at all. I don’t need to “grade” anyone. Or myself. I’m learning from everyone there.

People can come to Year of Inquiry to immerse themselves in however much inquiry they want, it’s all optional, there’s nothing mandatory or required. It’s sooooo easy for me (and what I’ve been learning is true about life–that nothing’s required–even when I think something is).

I get to relax and see who shows up, and notice how quiet, peaceful and silent this moment is right now….no matter what’s going on in the mind.

I can do whatever I want, make changes whenever I want, take suggestions and new ideas whenever I want. Last year we started an in-person group because someone in YOI wanted more face-to-face contact. Bam. It was created.

How would I ever possibly be able to know that the other alternative I was dreaming of for a few days….would have been better?

How do I know it wasn’t supposed to happen? It didn’t.

That goes for everything that didn’t happen.

Wow.

“The past is an illusion (over). The future is an illusion (not happened yet) so any time you’re worried, you’re worried over….Nothing. That’s how friendly the Universe is.” ~ Byron Katie in Being With Byron Katie 2016

“Return is the movement of the Tao. Yielding is the way of the Tao.” ~ Tao Te Ching #40

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you have the idea you might love doing The Work for a year with other marvelous and interesting people….and you wonder if The Work could really be helpful for you….I’ll be offering two live masterclass webinars in August on how to dissolve barriers to your process in The Work, when Year of Inquiry is still open for early-bird registration. August 4 or August 9. More soon. Just a little heads-up special for Grace Note readers.

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When the ego wants to be right….even about very negative things (including you)

lightincave
When something is frightening, ask ‘is it true?’ in the silence, and wait

A young woman in the audience of Byron Katie raised her hand because she didn’t know how to write her worksheet.

Her thoughts were about herself.

She was worried about what other people were telling her she was like: prone to self-destruction. A suicide risk perhaps.

As I’ve heard Katie do so many times with others, Katie guided this beautiful young student to find a situation where she was most worried about suicide, or self-destructive behavior.

Katie asked available staff to help this girl write a clear worksheet about someone else, or other people, related to these feelings. And not make it all about her.

Because this first step….writing a worksheet….is so deeply, profoundly helpful for sitting with a stressful situation and allowing yourself to see what you really believed in the middle of it.

Especially when it’s not all about you.

The part of you hell bent on proving you can change (or can NOT change), or fixing yourself, or getting out of a difficult situation….

….has to step aside for awhile, and you get to be unedited about the world, about reality (those people). Your childish thoughts come out.

This is good. No more hiding.

To my surprise, later when the girl returned and sat on stage with Katie to do The Work, her worksheet was on a good friend of hers texting to say he was going to kill himself.

I was surprised, because I thought she was going to find a situation where her parents, or a teacher, or a psychiatrist was telling her she’d have to be careful or worry about her introverted, depressive nature or something.

My mind had already raced off, wondering about what interesting situation she might find in her life that would be great “proof” of her need to worry about suicidal feelings.

What? You mean what my mind pictured wasn’t even close to what she shared?

Ha ha.

I loved her simple worksheet, and the brand new picture that sprang into my mind as she read her stressful thoughts out loud.

He shouldn’t put his problems on me. He is needy. He shouldn’t burden me with this. He should get professional help. 

Have you ever thought this about someone?

It doesn’t even matter if they’re suicidal or not. I’ve had these kinds of thoughts with friends or family or strangers on the train.

Is it true, they shouldn’t be telling you their problems? Is it true they’re burdening you? Are you sure they need professional help (whatever that is)?

Hmmm. No.

Something feels uncomfortable about it, though.

I love Katie’s question she asks sometimes to allow what really scares you to come into focus….”what’s the worst that could happen? What are you afraid of?”

Of course, the thing I was most afraid of when someone was seriously distressed, freaking out, suicidal and/or drinking? (OK, I admit it now, I’ve had a few boyfriends with these dark-cloud angst-ridden personalities….in the past).

They kill themselves. They succeed!

This is what the girl on stage feared, too.

I noticed the vision would come to mind of them being found, or me learning they succeeded this time. I’d feel my heart jump, and not want to picture such a terrible thing.

That’s how I reacted with the belief they could kill themselves.

Seeing it. Frightened. Thinking I should do something, like go find them and make sure they’re OK, be a “good friend”.

I had to do something! Right?

Suddenly I have a vivid image come to mind. I’m in a 12 Step Meeting about 30 years ago now, miserable, sick, hopeless.

I actually speak, which is a shocker to me now considering how awful I felt and full of despair. I cried and said into the still, listening air of the room, that I couldn’t “do” this (referring to life). I couldn’t seem to stop binge-eating, I couldn’t quit, I was a total failure and I wished I were dead.

There was a silent pause in the room.

Then after a few moments, someone else went next, and my turn was over. No rescuing, no response. The way it always is in a 12 step meeting. It works well this way. No cross talk.

But near the end of the meeting, a note was pressed into my hand that came down the line of people sitting in the chairs in the row I was in.

I never knew who this note was from.

In a delicate sort of old, ball-point pen elegant, and slightly wobbly, cursive writing, someone wrote….”there is a quality of negative grandiosity in suicidal despair.”

I don’t remember all the words after those. The mysterious person went on to write that my life was important, and worthy of living. I saved that note for years and years in my wallet.

What I always remember, though, is the phrase “negative grandiosity”. 

It hit a home run. It clunked in as true.

My ego gigantic. Grandiose with negativity and depression. With challenging the universe and shaking my fist at God or Reality or whatever you want to call it. I was one big grandiose walking egomaniac, only it was the opposite flavor of what I had been taught someone with a big ego looked like–that was someone with personal authority, bossy-ness, prestige, force, power, drive, who wanted to rule other peoples’ lives.

Me? I just wanted to rule my own, it appeared (although, not really, I had plenty of judgments about others and they all became brilliantly useful when I let them come out more clearly).

But who would I be without this whole story of terror that someone else I care about might commit suicide, and that something needs to be done to prevent it?

Wow. So much freer.

Noticing what’s true is….no one who I ever personally feared would do it, actually did it. Other people I knew, who DID do it, I hadn’t realize wanted to. I really had no idea what was going on when it came to suicide. I notice even though I felt like doing it, and thought about ways to do it (long ago) I never even took one step towards making it happen. Not one. I escaped with addiction instead.

Turning the thoughts around about that person you worry about, who seems suicidal:

I shouldn’t put my problems on myself, or him. I am needy, he’s not needy at all. I shouldn’t burden myself with this. He shouldn’t get professional help, I should. 
 
Each turnaround of course, is a meditation all by itself. This is not the get-work-done-in-a-packaged-lump plan.
To really look, you would take one thought at a time, and turn it around all the ways you can, so you see every angle of looking rather than seeing from only your personal point of view.
But as this girl did her work with Byron Katie, I loved allowing the turnarounds to flow like a river of water over me, through my mind, discovering some of the following examples very clearly, for these turnarounds.
Yes, I shouldn’t believe this is all up to me and I’m the one who must “do” something. I notice the people I’ve worried about feeling suicidal are not here in this room. I have no idea what they’re doing or will do. The images in my head are not real. They’re images.
This is even true for the one friend I’ve known who did commit suicide. I wasn’t there. I heard the story. I have no idea what it actually looked like.
Yes, I appear needy. I am needy for these other people to live. Please live the rest of your life, happy. Like I would somehow generate some kind of guilt if they died….unless I….what? (I consider the idea again that “I” have something to do with their life, that some fault could be committed by me).
 

Yes, I shouldn’t burden myself with all this thinking, feeling panic, despair, urgency. I notice people in this world die, sometimes at their own hand. We have a word for it (suicide). They’re taking the best route they can see at the time. How would I know it’s wrong for them?

Yes, I can consult “professional help”, or not (thank goodness it was available when I felt suicidal so long ago. It was so lovingly helpful and life-changing).

Doing The Work itself is the ultimate professional help. It requires no other person, only me, answering questions.

“We’re not ever really dealing with people, we’re dealing with concepts. Take care of what you’re thinking and believing….Pain is produced by ego. The ego wants to be right. The ego has you want to do The Work on yourself. The ego compares. And every time–you lose….There’s nothing more fun than stillness. It’s where all the action is. I love the guidance of inquiry. The ego is powerful but it’s never more powerful than the truth.” ~ Byron Katie during Being With Byron Katie 2016

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: the one true cause of compulsion

Have you often wondered why you’re eating, or why you ate the food you ate, or why you ate the way you ate?

If you’ve experienced compulsion with food, you’ve certainly wondered these things many times.

The answer to this question, for me, has really become quite simple.

The reason I’m eating (or doing anything compulsive that I really don’t want to do, or isn’t healthy for me) is because I am AFRAID!

I’ve felt threatened by something.

I’m nervous.

This might have happened many years ago, or very recently.

But my view of a relationship, a task, a request, an activity, a dynamic about life and the world….

….is fearful.

Here’s an amazing question to ask that can really help uncover the truth of what you’re thinking and believing when you feel like doing something (in this case eating).

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Fear is a trance. Inquiry wakes you up. Join others to support your trip Home.

koalagrouphug
doing the work with others brings connection, sharing, love, the end of fear….freedom

Tuesday night, at the closing of a beautiful four day retreat, all the people assembled gathered in a circle to share their take-aways from the time together.

We had just completed four full days of watching Byron Katie, and the awesome people in her live audience, streamed from Switzerland. Eighteen people from our local community in the Pacific Northwest joined me.

We copied the pace and structure of the event in Switzerland, and held complete silence in between all the video sessions with Katie.

There is no comparison to watching this online retreat with the group who gathered here in my neighborhood….

….vs watching by myself at home and attempting (not) to remain in silence in between sessions, and do my own inquiry work on disturbing situations I’ve encountered in life.

My mind is a bit tricky to hold silence for 4 days, relax, listen, and do in-depth work on my own.

(Although, I could question that).

But here’s one of the coolest things that happened. It’s not the first time, but oh so sweet to feel and see it occur again.

Everyone felt close, felt loving, and felt connected even though some people didn’t even know other peoples’ names until our closing circle. 

People drove from Canada, from Oregon, from all around Washington state. People have flown before from California. All to share the silence, and drinking in Katie’s words AND the words of all the beautiful people who share live at the retreat.

I already can’t wait until next year.

So here’s the thing.

Sharing the time together is incredibly helpful if you get stuck in thought-loops when you’re on your own. If you feel isolated, or introverted about your inner world. Or shame about what you’ve been feeling and thinking.

The way my mind used to work.

(Well, it still races off in this direction, it’s just I’m totally getting what Katie talks about, that I don’t believe what it’s saying! Halleluia!)

But this is the way it went before:

1) Something happened that felt a little uncomfortable, or really awful. Shocking. Or mildly irritating. Doesn’t matter. I don’t like it. It’s a bother. I’d rather it was different.

In other words, Reality is not perfect, in this situation.

2) KABAM. Mind is crunching down around the “problem” trying to fix it, adjust it, change it, get away from it, destroy it, rip it to shreds, complain about it, run away from it, avoid it, solve it, erase it.

Never questioning for One Minute that there’s a problem. It assumes there IS one. And it’s here! No doubt whatsoever.

3) Huge amounts of energy, fear and terror, lack of sleep, isolation, loneliness, depression, anger, waiting, sadness and suffering follow.

4) Things cools off (but they aren’t really forgotten, they’re in the files).

5) Something happens. Go back to #1.

When I first learned to do The Work, I inserted a step between 3 and 4.

It went like this:

3a) Consider I might be wrong about this terrible situation. It woudl be good if I was mistaken about this. It would potentially mean less stress and fear, less worry and upset. I might feel better. But my mind can’t actually be WRONG! Wait! That would be terrible! Go back to #4 and continue.

But then I got together with other people.

Other people also interested in questioning their thoughts and beliefs.

Instead of pausing for 5 seconds at 3a and moving to #4, my thought process began to add 3b.

3b) Take out a piece of paper and start writing down a few thoughts, wildly, with passion, with nervousness. Maybe get all the way to questioning a stressful belief using The Work, starting with the first question “is it true?”

Ditch this process. Too boring. Too slow. Too cumbersome. Too ridiculous. It doesn’t work, and it’s not going to work in the future.

Go back to #4.

Ahhhhhh, but then came The School for The Work.

Sitting slowly with a whole group of people, and Katie facilitating. There, together, we sat for 9 days over and over again questioning stressful situations. Seeing what I had objected to, in some cases since childhood. Going through all four questions of The Work, and finding turnarounds.

If it hadn’t been for being in a group program, I would have left for a movie.

The kind where you eat popcorn and it’s about someone else’s life, not mine. Preferably with a happy ending.

After The School, I really got that connecting with other people, sharing in the discoveries, telling the truth about my thinking, does something so deep. It created intimacy and dissolved shame, fear and embarrassment at what I had been calling “my” thoughts.

Wow! I thought. There aren’t new thoughts, and I’m not a Special Case (like the only person The Work doesn’t work for, or the only person who had “x” happen and can’t get over it).

After seeing and experiencing the power of the group spending time together to question and BE in inquiry, I noticed something interesting had happened.

2a) The paper comes out, and a pen is fetched, and I remember and consider doing The Work after #2. I get some insight. I feel relief. I step back from my “problem”. I maybe even get excited. I do not necessarily move on to #3!

Then….after more practice and more time spent partnering with other people, sharing The Work, facilitating and receiving facilitation from other human beings….something VERY interesting happened.

#1 occurs. Something troubling happens.

1a) The paper comes out, I get a pen (or open my laptop) and I’m writing down my judgments and answering all the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet RIGHT AFTER #1.

I realize I might have been over-reacting. A new way to handle the situation pops in my head. I feel calmer. I get the sense in not such a scary way that I might not know what’s really going on. I might laugh.

And then…..

….I bet you can guess what happened next.

I began to sit down with pen and paper, before anything appears to have happened (#1) and actually go through memories ON PURPOSE to find events, disturbances, situations I thought I forgot all about after #4.

I no longer wished I had forgotten about those things.

I notice I hadn’t, even when I wanted to. Not really.

This unraveling and uncovering all the dark corners of my past, and diving into inquiry to address these memories, have mostly happened during retreats and partner work with others.

Now I’m not saying it’s impossible to do on your own.

I have LOVED sitting now, and doing The Work all by myself.

But hands down….the best is when I am supported by the energy of other human beings (or just one other partner) sharing the inquiry together.

Sometimes you just want someone to hold your hand, or give you a hand up, or take your arm as you’re walking along the path, or laugh with you. It allows you to notice you’re not mad.

It’s made all the difference in the world to me.

Who would I be without my stressful thoughts?

Grateful beyond measure to everyone (and to Katie) for coming along for the ride, and noticing….

….I’ve had support, connection, others and life sharing All This with me the whole time.

I just didn’t see it.

If you feel isolated and stuck, or lost when you try to inquire, or you get obsessive and aggravated with your own thinking, or you think you’re the only one not getting this….

….then you may be ready to join the next and newest brilliant version of Year of Inquiry.

I am so touched and excited by each and every person who says “yes” to this adventure.

There are several new components to Year of Inquiry, but one primary thread: doing The Work together. Not leaving you on Planet Mars to fend for yourself in outer space without the four questions or without your own answers.

The most amazing people show up for inquiry together for a year.

You may make a friend you’ll know when you’re 85 years old. People in Year of Inquiry from previous years continue to partner and share with people they met in their first YOI. I get notes all the time from participants. Some people return over and over to YOI, as this work has become part of their transformational life practice and they know they want community for it over time.

Registration is open for early bird Year of Inquiry 2016-2017. If you’re curious about what it’s like, read on:

We meet three times a week via telesession (free for anyone from all over the world through the internet). You come to one session a week, or all three–you get to choose.

We’ll do immersion into deep partner work, especially for everyone interested in credit with Institute for The Work of Byron Katie. while this is optional, it’s an amazing process for people who want to learn the one-for-one way of partnering taught in the Institute for The Work (ITW).

We meet twice in Seattle, Washington (optional) for 4 days for two retreats. People fly from all over to be together. We also have a monthly webinar (new) on our topic and to review best practices for The Work and going deep into Q &A.

While we have ten powerful topics for inquiry during our year together, everyone in YOI also has access for free to at least 2 other teleclasses I teach on some of the same topics (money, eating, relationships, sexuality, pain/sickness, parenting) for no charge. Local YOI folks enrolled in the FULL program can also come to my monthly Deep Divers Sunday closed group that meets October through June.

It’s quite simply, a HUGE INCLUSIVE WELCOME to everyone who wants to stay connected throughout the entire year to all the brilliant people who show up to do The Work together under the apparent umbrella organization of Work With Grace.

I do this because I love The Work and I love exploring the truth and I love waking up.

I couldn’t do it without you.

If you’d like all the information about Year of Inquiry, please visit and read this page. You can scroll down for the logistical details to the bottom of the page including dates, times, and the fee schedule.

You can choose the Whole Shebang (everything including retreats) or Everything Except Retreats (for those more available online via phone/computer).

So excited to see who joins the new YOI. You are already part of my heart and soul. Everyone who has gone before you, all the other participants, have helped make this a better and better program over time, with improvements and sharp clarity, and a brilliant awareness of what works.

I can’t wait. This is gonna be better than ever.

And I’m talking about what we’ll discover about Reality.

If you’re not up for this huge commitment of an entire year, or you don’t have the funding….look for a meetup in your area, find a partner, go over to my facebook page Work With Grace and share that you’re looking to trade The Work with someone (I might be able to pair you up), call the Help Line, come to a retreat.

This work doesn’t require anything, except a willing, open mind….and I know if you’re here, you’ve got one!

“Take thoughts in as if you were a lover. Thoughts are the Beloved. If you don’t love them, you’re at war. Invite them in, put them on paper, make love….Fear is a trance. Inquiry wakes you up.” ~ Byron Katie during Being With Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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thank you people who bug me

thankyou
thank you to every person who ever bugged me….with self-inquiry they show me the way to freedom

Mind Officially Blown.

Listening to Byron Katie answer questions about life, suffering, and what it means when anyone says they are “doing” The Work….

….is nothing short of the stressed-out busy mind getting blown into tiny bits and scattered about like seeds in the wind.

In a really good way.

What I mean by this is, I feel the joy of recognizing once again how I’ve been chattering away with some scary stories, and not cleaning them up, not getting around to listening to them to see what’s really frightening me.

Not really thinking these stories of other people, or fearful events, are very important to question.

Why sit down for this meditation, this in-depth contemplation of my mental noise, when it really hasn’t been very noisy, especially compared to how loud it used to be!?!?

Isn’t this good enough?

It’s sooooo much work. Jeeeeeeeeez.

And then there are the thoughts, too, that people have sometimes (not me, to be honest) like “maybe The Work doesn’t work for me.”

But who knows.

The more important thing, is what has worked so far, for me.

What has worked, has been answering the four questions as I look steadily at a situation full of pain, fear or sadness. What I’ve found in all my love for reading, writing, wondering and exploring, is that The Work makes realization wildly simple.

You write down your thoughts.

You question them.

So during this past weekend, while in the middle of watching the Being With Byron Katie retreat, I wrote.

There’s an old friend who’s been bugging me.

So much so, I said I needed a break from communication. I made excuses and said I and used these reasons to ask for less messaging, less interaction.

The real truth was I was sick of his advice-giving and pissed off at him still for how he acted five years ago.

Yep.

Kind of embarrassing.

But sitting in the presence of Byron Katie, who invited us to carefully and deeply contemplate an uncomfortable moment with another person, I had to admit I felt sudden fury at my friend.

I’ve written worksheets on him before.

You know what, though?

I have not gone through all the thoughts I’ve written down, one by one, and taken them through the inquiry process, finding my true answers, without expectation of anything except wanting to understand my mind and my heart, and open them.

I. Have. Not. Done. Thorough. Work.

Instead, apparently I have preferred to do a little work, call it good, and move on.

Fast.

So as others did their work, and people asked questions of Katie, and I remembered my great intention, and joy, in questioning stressful beliefs instead of holding on to them for weeks, months, years, decades….

….I brought my real thoughts about this friend to inquiry.

The starting point is, of course, actually seeing what you think in the first place.

I might have been skirting these true, deeper, frightened thoughts.

Well, OK, I definitely was.

As I wrote down what I really thought of this guy, I had an image of us both flailing around in the deep ocean. He is drowning and can’t swim at all. I can swim, I’m a good swimmer in fact, but he’s bigger and heavier, and he’s putting me down underwater in his own panic.

Wow, I thought.

My thoughts about this friend are that he’ll kill me with his fear or intensity or wild creativity. He’ll pull me under with him. He’s completely screwed up, depressive, has been suicidal, an addict, incredibly passionate, and if I keep in touch with him….

…..WE are goin’ down. Drowning!!!

Yowser. I haven’t wanted to look at how dramatic my mind has been about this friendship. It’s loserville. It’s a mess. It’s sick. He’s a wreck. He’s a threat. I better watch out. He’s volatile, homeless, obsessive, mentally ill, needy, overpowering, desperate.

As I wrote my true un-edited thoughts down on paper, they felt so intense and ridiculous. Childish. I would never, ever want him to see these thoughts (OMG).

But I really want to know what’s going on here, instead of have it come back for little visits as a pattern of thought all over again. And again.

This is step #1.

Writing down these horrible thoughts. The scariest ones.

And then, during breaks in between listening to other peoples’ work, and listening to Katie, I began to inquire.

If I’m his friend, I’ll be drowned. He’ll pull me down with him.

Is this true?

I’ve never been near any water with this man. I’ve never been pulled down, in any water, by anyone. I’ve had nightmares of drowning, and done The Work on drowning, but I have never even begun to drown in this physical life.

Except emotionally, in my own stressful thinking, in my own chaotic feelings.

The closest I ever came to a real drowning incident was watching my grandpa wade into 3 feet of water with his work suit on to grab my little sister who apparently had just gone into the deeper segment of the pool by accident, whose head was underwater without coming up. I didn’t actually even see her. I saw him racing through water in his doctor’s office clothes.

Is it true my friend would pull me down with him, with his addiction and sadness and longing and neediness (judge, judge, judge)?

No. Total fantasy. Me making up a story. A scary one.

How do I react?

I cut off contact. My heart races. I feel confused after some communication. I don’t know what to do. I conclude I’m unable to help. I say goodbye. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m annoyed.

So who would I be without this whole entire story that he’ll drown me?

Communicating. Listening. Saying “no” easily, without panic or caution under the surface. Asking him clarifying questions when he’s said wild things. Noticing how dear he is, how hard he tries, how creative and persistent.

Turning this first thought around (and I have more thoughts to question, after this one from the start):

If I’m his friend, I will not be drowned. He will not pull me down with him. If I’m my own friend, I will not be drowned (ever). Good awareness. Be your own friend, Grace! I’ll pull myself down with my stories of how terrible it could be (physically drowning, for God’s sake).

If he’s my friend, I’ll drown him! I’ll pull him down underwater. Yikes.

Who’s the one pulling people under water, drowning them in crazy overwhelming emotions, playing games with stories in my head?

That would be me.

I sat with this awareness a long while today, silently.

I realize, I have no idea truly who my friend is. I’ve judged him with all those descriptive words: intense, addictive, needy.

I am the one who has been very intense, especially when it comes to this friend. I have been addictive in my thinking very obsessively about his health and his ability to thrive. I have been needy for knowledge that he’s OK.

I have been almost demanding he act a certain way, so I can be happy.

Gulp.

Tears.

Awareness.

Who would you be without the belief that someone has to do, act, be, say, feel, think a certain way so that YOU can be happy?

Free.

Back here, letting reality be as it is. Hands open.

On my knees.

Grateful.

Much love, Grace

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Are you telling (and questioning) the same story over and over again?

samestory
are you questioning the same story over and over again?

I am stunned by the brilliant and thoughtful questions people are asking on Summer Camp calls (we have Q & A time at the beginning, before we do The Work).

Yesterday someone asked a question I’ve heard many times.

I’ve asked it myself, directly to Katie.

What do I do if I’m doing The Work on the very same thing over and over again? What if the same thing comes up, just when I think it’s settled, or resolved?

Partner. Money. Kid. Mother. Boss.

There they go again, driving me NUTS!

I do The Work and feel lighter, more at ease with this person or thing….

….and BAM….

….the next time I’m with this person, or the next time it happens again, I’m right back where I was before. Seething, anxious, upset, worried, sad.

First, I like to say as an answer to this question….to remember, this is a process. Sometimes we learn in tiny increments. Sometimes we’re revisiting, or returning to a habitual way of thinking we’ve gone into for years—like walking the same rutted pathway again.

You should have another viewpoint of this person by now, or this entity (like money) or this activity, or place! You shouldn’t have to do The Work again on this. You should be over it.

Is that actually true? What’s going on here, anyway, that might be making the process tricky?

Later after our Summer Camp call, someone emailed me a great little synopsis of words taken right out of Byron Katie’s wonderful book Loving What Is.

This is really the manual for The Work. The How-To.

In Loving What Is, at the very back of the book, there’s a section called Q & A. Katie offers some thoughts to these exact same questions.

What does it mean if I keep needing to do The Work on the same thing over and over? I’ve done The Work many times on the same judgment, and I don’t think it’s working.

Here are Katie’s replies, summarized:

  • It doesn’t matter how often you need to do it…The issue may come back a dozen times, a hundred times. It’s always a wonderful opportunity to see what attachments are left and how much deeper you can go.
  • You’ve done The Work many times—is that true? Could it be that if the answer you think you’re looking for doesn’t appear, you simply block anything else? Are you frightened of the answer that might be underneath what you think you know? Is it possible that there’s another answer within you that could be as true or truer?
  • Do you really want to know? It could be that you’d rather stay with your statement than dive into the unknown. Blocking means rushing the process and answering with your conscious mind before the gentler polarity of min (I call it “the heart”) can answer. If you prefer to stay with what you think you know, the question is blocked and can’t have its life inside you.
  • Do you move into a story too quickly? Notice if you move into a story before letting yourself fully experience the answer and the feelings that come with it. If your answers begin with “Well, yes, but….” you’re shifting away from inquiry. Do you really want to know the truth?
  • Are you inquiring with a motive? Are you asking the questions to prove that the answer you already have is valid, even though it’s painful? Do  you want to be right more than you want to know the truth? It’s the truth that set me free. Acceptance, peace, and less attachment to a world of suffering are all effects of doing The Work. They’re not goals. Do The Work for the love of freedom, for the love of truth. If you’re inquiring with other motives, such as healing the body or solving a problem, your answer may be arising from old motives that never worked for you, and you’ll miss the wonder and grace of inquiry.
  • Are you doing the turnarounds too quickly? If you really want to know the truth, wait for the new answers to surface. Give yourself enough time to let the turnarounds find you. If you choose, make a written list of all the ways that the turnaround applies to you. The turnaround is the re-entry into life, as the truth points you to who you are without your story. It’s all done for you.
  • Are you letting the realizations you experience through inquiry life in you? Live the turnarounds, report your part to others so that you can hear it again, and make amends, for the sake of your own freedom. This will certainly speed up the process and bring freedom into your life, now.
  • Finally, can you really know that inquiry is not working?When the thing you were afraid of happens and you notice that there is little or no stress or fear–that’s when you know it’s working.

I once asked, “Katie….what should I do? I’ve done so many worksheets on this one guy I’ve been dating. I seem to remain angry, though. Anger, over and over again.”

Katie replied to me: “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry, Grace? YOU ARE!”

Oh.

Doh!

(See “are you inquiring with a motive” bullet point above).

I was thinking that if I was angry, I needed to fix that, by hook or by crook. There must be something wrong with me.

With Katie’s words, I felt the relief of permission, acceptance, awareness of this feeling called “angry” instead of having an inner plan or drive to Get Un-Angry as soon as humanly possible.

And low and behold, what I noticed later on that day, after my exchange with Katie….

….I felt like laughing at the absurdity of the way that particular relationship danced.

And it was over.

Ever since, anger has been “allowed” to visit, to come in an give me it’s amazing passionate message. With zero expectations or demands that it leave.

Strange, I don’t experience it so much anymore these days.

Much love,

Grace

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Do I have to keep trying to like someone or something….I don’t?

powerful
Feeling love for that person doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them, or like them, or say “yes” to them, or invite them to dinner. Love is an internal experience.

Something came up in Summer Camp just yesterday.

One of my most favorite discoveries within about The Work.

It’s this: The Work is not a passive experience. It’s not a way to try to force yourself to feel peace, or love, when you don’t.

In other words, doing The Work doesn’t mean you lie down on the floor, figuratively or in real life, and go mute or say nothing or hide your feelings or become despondent in the presence of people, places, incidents or things you find uncomfortable.

Doing The Work doesn’t mean….

…”it’s fine. I don’t care what happens. I am completely at peace all the time 24/7. That’s enlightenment, right?”

This is what people object to when they do The Work on very stressful beliefs and turn it around without close reflection and attention.

For example.

Original belief or thought passes through your mind, whenever you think of this person: he abused me. 

You turn it around, flipping it to the opposite in two shakes of a lamb’s tail: “he did NOT abuse me” AND “I abused him” AND “I abused myself”.

YEAH, that’s right. I’m the loser culprit who can’t calm down and *think* without violence. I attracted it to me. I brought it on.

It must be me.

YEAH, I’m wrong. I’ve been mistaken. He did NOT abuse me.

It must be me.

YEAH, I’m wrong again. I abused him. My brain is full of voodoo lazer-sharp thoughts aimed in his direction. I wasn’t kind, or loving, or gentle enough from the start. I thought he could be something other than what he could be. I had too high expectations.

It must be me.

HONNNNNKKKKKK!!!!! Did you hear the loud bear-scaring emergency alert horn?

The Work is not about swinging the pendulum to the opposite side of your reactions, and finding fault with yourself, or feeling despair.

You were probably doing that already. Fault with them, fault with you. Trying to find blame.

The Work, I find, is much deeper than this.

But let’s start at the very beginning.

You have a thought someone is “x” and it feels stressful (abusive, obsessive, demanding, mean, dismissive, cruel).

You’re afraid, when you think of this person. Something inside feels threatened.

(I notice I do not feel overwhelming stress, or stress that fills my view, if I do not personally feel threatened, even in very difficult situations involving anger, grief, sadness or violence. Just saying.)

The very first question in The Work is “is your thought true?”

You get to answer the question for yourself. No one else answers it.

There is no “supposed to” about the answer being “no”. You are not better off or more spiritual if you answer “yes” or if you answer “no”.

I once read Byron Katie commenting about this question “is it true”?

She said nothing is true and everything is true.
Because so much appears untrue, once we stop for 5 seconds and think about it, people sometimes begin to lump together this awareness of truth the answer into ALL ANSWERS for ALL TIME.
“Everything is not true! I know nothing is true!”

Well. Let’s say you don’t. LOL.

I like leaving that answer open, for myself, so I can look gently and see what’s really accurate for me in any situation, at any time, during my lifetime.

I wouldn’t want to bypass or abort the process of inquiring with this amazing mind. I want to actually sit with what I notice my inner answer is, for me.

So is your thought true? (Like from my example “he abused me”).

Maybe your answer is “YES”.

Maybe it’s just not efficient communication when you’re with that person, or you always feel weird and scared, and you get confused, and they seem confused, and no one is really happy when you’re in each other’s presence.

What an excellent person to do The Work on, since they’re bringing you an objection with reality. And you don’t have to be in their presence to do it.

I once had someone come to me to do The Work.

He had seven (yes, seven) second-opinions of his mental health diagnosis of bi-polar and manic-depression. (A little manic with the second opinions).

Back then, I tried just a little too long. I wanted to “help”.

If I was completely honest instead of trying to rescue and make it look perfect and right on the outside (in my opinion) then I would have referred him to a psychologist or psychiatrist. It had been recommended he take anti-anxiety meds. He was refusing. I was not the expert who knew how to handle it. He couldn’t really follow along with The Work. He even said The Work made him more anxious.

It was simply true, at that time, that he needed some kind of other help that wasn’t mine.

Because that’s what happened, no matter what I was thinking or doing.

“You’re supposed to feel peaceful all the time, in every situation, with every person.”

Is it true?

No!

Some places, people and situations might give you the creeps! Or not be your job!

If someone said “here’s an airplane, time to get in the pilot’s seat and fly!” I’d look at them like they were a little off, because I have no idea how to fly an airplane.

It would not be true that I need to get in the pilot’s seat and start the engine!

Doing The Work, I find, is for my own sake. It’s to come to clarity, joy, peace, acceptance, forgiveness, calm, surrender….in situations that are actually almost always OVER.

(Well….always over….drop the “almost”).

So my mind is just catching up with reality.

Reality, it turns out, has already made it clear, joyful, peaceful, accepting, forgiving, calm, surrendered and silent.

Am I able to notice this, and go in that direction?

That direction may mean packing your bags, and leaving a house where you notice fights break out and you get physically hurt over and over again. That direction may mean saying “no, I won’t get together with you” with someone who is very insistent, and appears panicked. That direction may look like breaking up with a partner, or getting together with one. It may look like quitting a job.

Who would you be right now in this moment without your story of the past, noticing what you notice with your senses and your body and your mind and your heart?

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Money problems? Thinking problems!

Thinking problems? Money problems.
Thinking problems? Money problems.

Last night I went to test out the gorgeous big-screen at the lodge where we’ll be watching Being With Byron Katie and moving into silence in between all sessions starting on Saturday.

Wow.

The internet connection worked beautifully, and I felt thrilled to be one of the people about to enter listening-only-mode with Byron Katie as she teaches from Switzerland.

I feel so lucky.

This retreat has space for 2 more people. I operate this one at a non-profit level, which sometimes brings up a few thoughts about MONEY.

ARRGGG, will it never end?!

(You’ll see in a sec what I’m talking about, when it comes to the “arrggg” part around money).

What the non-profit deal means, is everyone attending pays the small rate of $165 for attending one, two, three or all four days with Katie. If you have to leave, or miss any days, then included in your registration is free access to the recordings through August 31st.

Everyone who attends gets to sign up for viewing time, on their own, from their own home, using my log-in. It takes some scheduling prowess because we can only have one person logged in at a time, but we have full permission and an awesome scheduler. It worked fabulously last year.

So back to the money part I mentioned.

As in non-profit.

Now, as of today, I am sooooooo OK with this retreat with the money part.

Because why?

Because I am not losing money, so reality is going my way (ha ha).

All my expenses have now been reimbursed. I’ve put many hours into arranging it, planning it, organizing people, answering questions….and not put any financial expectation on the working hours required to pull the event together. As in, no money expected for the organizing of this retreat.

However, when I put the payment down on the lodge I rent for retreats here in Seattle, for 5 nights, it felt like a pretty major kaplunk of moolah. Almost $2000 for the lodge rental alone.

There’s a streaming fee of course ($250). Then there are Judge Your Neighbor worksheet copies, a white board and pens, post-it notes, and other small expenses. A few internet fees. Some posting fees for the event announcements.

Even though I know by now, events happen, people show up, it always works out (especially when I have The Work)….

….it’s still scary for that part of me that cares so much about money and prefers more coming in than going out.

Ugh. So much thinking, worrying, wondering about money.

These thoughts move like a stuck tape loop. Needing more money, losing money, not having enough money.

(Will these kinds of thoughts never end during my lifetime?)

How they show up this time, in this situation around this event, are like an old set of flies buzzing around, softening sometimes, rising up again.

They sound like this:

If I charged more, I’d at least pay myself back for all the work. This isn’t fruitful to offer this as a volunteer project. Just because I’m not teaching, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t make money for my time involved. Oh no….if this keeps up, I’ll lose money on this retreat! I am NOT doing this next year. No one understands how awesome this is. People shouldn’t write me to ask for scholarships. I should have more confidence about this retreat. People don’t understand how cool this event is or how insanely cheap compared to live events with Byron Katie. Maybe its so cheap it reduces the awareness of the value. No one realizes they can watch what they miss after the event, without extra cost. I’ve done all this work for nothing. It’s too much work. See #1, loop back. Repeat.

Over and over again, the same kinds of thoughts.

Why not take a look, see what’s left of these annoying beliefs?

More money should come in. I should be paid for effort (I’m somehow NOT being paid).

Is this true?

Yes. Yes. It really would be better to feel compensated for everything. It would be better to earn something, have money coming in. Not breaking even. Breaking even is not good enough!

Are you absolutely sure?

No. No idea. Ha ha.

I look around and notice, I’m absolutely fine. Thriving, enjoying myself, enough to eat, place to live, good business, people coming and excited for this amazing retreat.

How do I react when I think I should have some kind of pay back? That the money isn’t “worth” it, not enough, too low?

Pissy. Annoyed.

Bad attitude. Treating money like I know better, bossing it around.

Nervous. Thinking about NEXT YEAR of all things, when this soon-to-be event hasn’t even happened yet THIS year.

Wildly flailing in the future. Thinking about my bank account. So concerned with enough-ness and deciding this isn’t it.

So who would I be without this belief, though? What if I had no idea, no argument with what is, when it comes to money?

Huh.

You mean….money can do whatever it does, and I don’t mind? Like, I don’t even KNOW it’s doing something uncomfortable, or not good enough?

Yes.

Woah.

I guess I would be noticing how excited I am for this retreat, to spend 4 days listening, instead of talking or teaching or facilitating or expected to lead one single session.

Noticing how relaxed I am right now, in the beautiful summer weather. Breathing deeply. Feeling the amount of money I have and thinking “enough”. Stopping the comparison, pushing, wondering, wishing, wanting….altogether.

No wanting something different.

An amazing relaxed, curious, sweet feeling of being with this present moment. Noticing how fun money is, and it’s enough the way it is. Like this moment.

Turning the thoughts around….

No charging more is required. I am already paid back for my work with joy, connection with others. Plus all the money I’ve spent is reimbursed. This IS fruitful as a volunteer project. Because I’m not teaching, it’s OK to not make money. Oh no….if this keeps up, I’ll gain sanity on this retreat! I have no idea about next year, I’m open to it. All the right and perfect people understand how awesome this is. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t. People should write me to ask for scholarships, it’s wonderful and gives me ideas for doing this in the future. I already have great confidence about this retreat, and I’m feeling more. I could make a scholarship fund for this event. People totally understand how cool this event is and how cheap compared to live events with Byron Katie. I have reduced my own awareness of the value here by being concerned with money. People realize just what they need to realize, and so do I. I’ve done all this work for so much. I am rewarded with love, insights from Katie. I’ll get to enjoy the retreat. It is NOT too much work. For all I know, I’ll become aware of an incredible realization in these four days ahead. 

How could the money be doing exactly the right thing, in the right amount, for me….for others….for Seattle….for the world?

Why not?

This could be the most perfect, brilliant, lovely four days for me, and I don’t have to buy any plane tickets or spend anything more than I have, or go to Europe to see Byron Katie in person. I get to be with all these amazing people coming to attend to their minds….with a passionate interest in freedom.

I get to hear one of the world’s gifted teachers of peace, and hardly have to leave my own home.

Wow. Such a deal.

“I’ve never seen a work or money problem that didn’t turn out to be a thinking problem. I used to believe that I needed money to be happy. Even when I had a lot, I was often sick with the fear that something terrible would happen and I would lose it. I realize now that no amount of money is worth that kind of stress.” ~ Byron Katie

No LACK of money is worth that kind of stress either.

I notice right now, in this moment, I’d rather be free than right about money, profit, income, being paid, being compensated.

How do I know I shouldn’t be making MORE in this event?

I’m not.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. It’s been a few years, but I created a full webinar on money, and questioning what I call a “Belief Cluster” of thoughts about money we commonly believe, all of which bring terrible stress. If you’d like to watch it, click here.