Tag: overeating

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I am not home–how do YOU react?

Something about fall. Crisp. Fresh. Orange.

The beginning of the end. Nature is decaying and going dark for the winter. Leaves fall, the sky looks gray, the sun shines far less (where I live).

I love going on retreat at this time of year, and taking the precious time to sink into inquiry.

I’ve experienced very deeply and sincerely that when my relationship to reality actually changes through this work, my movement in the world changes, and the outcomes I experience actually wind up changing, naturally.

  • half-day Living Turnarounds Deep Divers retreat October 14th from 2-6 pm ($50)
  • October 17th evening through October 21st morning, autumn retreat. We have one room left for anyone wanting to stay at a reduced fee onsite at the beautiful retreat house, but commuters also welcome.
  • December 6-9 a winter retreat in the woods of Breitenbush Thursday evening through Sunday morning.

The other day, I was reflecting on one of my first most terrible, dreadful “loneliness” stories.

I was going to share this story with only the Eating Peace mailing list, but I had the thought you might like to reflect on the very same story….even if you have never had a single moment of trouble with food, eating or weight.

The “I Am Lonely” story.

I am not connected, I am abandoned, I am alone, I am not safe.

I AM NOT HOME.

This story is incredibly stressful.

When I believed it was the truth, what did I do?

I isolated, I tried to hold back tears, I slept a lot or lay in my bed…and I ate.

This is a truly powerful story to question. So let’s do it today (and you’re welcome to watch my live youtube on this right here).

I am not home.

Is it true?

No.

When I think about this right now, today, I can still find the voice that wonders where home is….that isn’t so sure it’s here, now. But I really can’t know that voice is accurate.

The thought comes in “where else would home be, if not here?”

I can really see it’s not True.

But how do you react when you think it is?

Doubt enters my heart, and I feel it in my body. I believe I won’t be safe quite soon, and I’m not emotionally safe now. I can’t relax. I want to go home, like a little kid saying “where’s my mommy?”

And if you watch my story I shared on youtube, you’ll know that the way I reacted to this belief “I am not home” is that I ate.

I ate and ate and ate and stuffed and filled myself. I remember I knew how to say in French, “J’ai manger trop”.

“I ate too much!”

I said this many times to my student leader on my foreign exchange program who was probably about 24 and seemed so old and wise and capable. I remember her saying back to me “you’ve said that a lot!”

Ugh.

I’ve sat with many people in this stressful belief. Some people react by hunting for the perfect mate. Some people buy clothes and go shopping and try to enhance their environment with a feeling of “home”. Some people watch TV or movies, or join a ton of groups, or fill their time with way too many tasks.

Just watch, if you’ve held this belief that you are not ultimately at home, how stressful it can be.

I notice that I’ve felt source, reality, universe, God, were very far away somewhere and not listening to me. (I notice it makes no sense at all, really, but the images are of distance, outer space, being cut-off, feeling desperately sad).

Now….who would you be without this belief you aren’t home?

I instantly notice a sense of relief or wonder about this moment. It’s quiet, yet I can hear a lot of sounds–crows and eagles outside, a group passing by on bikes calling to each other, wind chimes on the front porch, a loud motor from the busy street in the distance.

But I suppose it would be fine if suddenly I was deaf.

And what would this moment be like without sight, without the belief you aren’t home?

I find there’s a trust present that I didn’t feel before. Something kind. I’m not assuming darkness or blackness means aloneness or separation.

Turning the thought around: what if you are connected? What if you are home?

I am connected, I am found, I am surrounded, I am safe.

Was that actually true for me at that time so long ago when I shared my story of being so far away in another country?

Yes.

I had a group leader, I had adults who had welcomed me into their home to spend time with their family for the entire summer, I sang all summer with my friends in 3-part harmony during our bike ride adventure through France, I felt joy at the beauty I witnessed of landscapes and castles and camping in barns on hay, I learned that I didn’t need my parents or family around in order to be happy.

I also learned that something in me felt terrified and reached for food for relief, escape and comfort. I lost some of my innocence of childhood and discovered I had something vital to contend with—my inner soul’s desire to connect with other humans honestly (instead of food).

It was not easy.

I am still practicing and learning the living turnaround: I am home.

But what I can see is when I do not believe that I’m not home and there’s no hope in returning home, I do not eat wildly and desperately.

I notice a need to articulate my feelings and speak them. I ask for support and put myself in environments where I will receive it. I connect with other people–including all the clients and people who appear for groups–and we do this work, together.

I feel in this body, and in my consciousness, a sense of now, here, being, open.

Gratitude may appear. Thankful for this chair. Thankful for this tree. Thankful for this mind, these thoughts, these feelings even.

This. Nothing more required.

Geese appear high over us,
pass, and the sky closes. Abandon,
as in love or sleep, holds
them to their way, clear
in the ancient faith: what we need
is here. And we pray, not
for new earth or heaven, but to be
quiet in heart, and in eye,
clear. What we need is here.
~ Wendell Berry

Much love,
Grace
P.S. A few spots left in autumn retreat and half-day living turnarounds group has room for 4 more.

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What would be TERRIBLE about doing the opposite of the usual thing you do with food or eating?

It’s funny the way we’ll say all the time “I did it again”.

Ugh. I repeated the pattern of eating too much, eating off-balance, binge-eating, eating the foods that make me feel sick later on.

I overate at the company dinner. I stuffed myself all night at home alone and went to bed full. I ordered the same thing as my friends when we went out. I ignored my fullness when my aunt offered me seconds.

What if we studied that moment, instead of being AGAINST it?

What if instead of shame, horror, disappointment, and calling yourself names….you were kind?

Here’s how: You can ask yourself what’s going on, that would create such havoc in your eating?

“What’s bothering you, sweetheart?” you could said to yourself.

If it feels like you can’t possibly drum up such a compassionate, loving voice towards yourself, don’t worry. I never could much either when I had my compulsive tendencies with food and eating and self-criticism.

But the following exercise may offer something that heads at least in the same direction of curiosity about what’s off, when our eating is off.

Imagine you in that situation where you wind up eating every time.

(It’s OK if it’s the moment you wake up, because you think about food all day long).

Now ponder this question: What if you didn’t have food available as a thing you liked? What if food wasn’t interesting? What if food or eating wasn’t a possibility?

Don’t just say “that would be fantastic”.

This is about wondering what’s going on deep within that tends to move towards eating in a way that ultimately doesn’t really work, because you don’t know what else to do.

There’s something within that moves to food as a solution. What’s the problem? What needs to be solved?

Who would you be without eating as an action, choice, pattern, experience?

When I first really sat with this question, it frightened me. I thought if I didn’t have food and eating as a THING….I might go crazy with all the conflict I felt inside.

But who would I be without my Go To eating reaction?

A powerful question.

What’s this invitation, at a much deeper level, that eating off-balance is bringing you to see?

You can find your answers. I know you can.

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace: Two physical sensations worth questioning, for your eating freedom

Have you ever noticed the deep self-criticism (or self-pride) you might feel because you’re full, or you’re hungry?

Fullness and hunger are two states of physical sensation when it comes to eating and the body.

Some of us who have pushed the boundaries super far on these conditions have felt the pain….of both extremely stuffed with food, or extremely hungry for food.

We all know we’d like to avoid either extreme. It’s natural to want to be somewhere more in the middle, and more relaxed. If it was easy to simply remain in the middle, without swinging to extremes, we would.

Something about this isn’t easy, when it gets thrown off balance.

One way you can find some insights on your own beliefs about these states of sensation, is to judge them relentlessly. See what you really believe about yourself when you’re super hungry, or super full (or about anyone else when they are).

What does fullness mean about you, as a person? (It’s often really horrible, but sometimes good, I know).

What does hunger mean about you, as a person? (Also horrible, but sometimes good, for other reasons).

When you identify your most painful thoughts about either one of these conditions, you might find some surprising beliefs come forward into awareness.

The good news, is you can then question these thoughts using The Work of Byron Katie.

Is it true, for example, that you’re “good” when you’re hungry, and “bad” when you’re full?

Really consider it. I used to “know” it wasn’t true, but I’d act completely like it was, and something believed it at a very deep level.

Who would you be without your story, your judgment, your assessment, your belief?

There’s great freedom in wondering who you’d be without your story of hunger and fullness. You might get to experience these sensations like you’re feeling them for the very first time. Like they are sacred, interesting messages, worthy of paying attention to….over the mind’s thoughts to ignore them.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Who would you be without the story of fat?

Eating Peace Process has just begun. If you want to join, you still can. You’d watch the first presentation (one-hour) and begin the powerful written exercises. You’d start the practices that provide structure, like a diet and exercise program but for the MIND (not for the usual yada yada eat this, weigh that). The first practice is to sit in silence 5 minutes day. Then, those who can will jump on the first Thursday inquiry call which is tomorrow 1/19 at 8:30 am Pacific Time.

The cornerstone of the program is….self-inquiry. We do The Work of Byron Katie, questioning painful beliefs about eating, food, your body, all bodies….and following the breadcrumbs (literally) to OTHER stressful beliefs we have about life, thinking, feelings, satisfaction, fulfillment, power, and control.

Such an adventure. Read about it here and join soon, before we’re too far underway for you to catch up.

And even if you never, ever join a formal group program like Eating Peace Process….you can use you own imagination to do the following exercise, which is part of The Work.

It goes like this.

Imagine….who would you be, right in any situation where you’ve typically had trouble with food and eating, with friends, alone, at home, at work, at a restaurant…

….Who would you be without your beliefs about being fat? Without your negative or stressful beliefs about eating? Without your thoughts about what you can’t do in your life? Without your fearful thoughts about why you need to be careful?

Who would you be if you loved every feeling you had, and didn’t fight your thoughts, but allowed everything, including you, to be as it is?

The key is to only wonder who you’d be without ONE thought at a time, otherwise it’s too much to hold in the mind all together, at least I find.

What would you be like, in the presence of food, if you let yourself be honest, powerful, clear?

You can use your imagination and find it, feel it. See what happens.

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace: the direct tie between NOT saying no….and eating

We all know it’s preferable to be assertive and say what you mean, and mean what you say….

….but for some of us, it was pretty scary to say “no” all the way back to childhood.

But here’s the good news: you’re grown up now.

You can rehearse and practice saying no to other people, and watch with amazement how it affects your relationship to eating and food.

When you learn to say “no”, you stop overeating. Really.

 

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Eating Peace: Is your vulnerable, weak spot causing your craving?

Most of us who eat or do compulsive things for emotional reasons are trying very hard to adapt to difficult situations.

Maybe there’s a particular experience you feel really, really vulnerable about.

Like….please, I don’t ever want this to happen.

For me, one of my vulnerable spots was that I don’t want to be rejected. I don’t someone to feel complete lack of forgiveness towards me. I don’t want to have no recourse, or be unable to make it up to them, if I do something “wrong”.

Very, very stressful.

It went back a long, long way into my history.

It felt like a core, gut feeling I had for my entire life.

If you give yourself the attention, the care, the compassion to look at your own places of vulnerability….

….maybe even the “special” two or three you repeat over and over….

….you may find something amazing happen.

You stop craving food. You stop feeling so compulsive.

Ask this one question when you feel like overeating, or doing something to soothe yourself emotionally that isn’t really that good for you (drinking, smoking, hooking up, spending).

Peace,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Helpless, Helpless….the fuel for compulsion and how to stop it

One of the most difficult, painful places in life is to feel completely helpless about something….and deeply upset.

When you feel like there’s NOTHING you can do about your feelings, or to relax, or to feel safe….and you can’t even question your thinking….

….then often the place humans go is a desperate attempt for comfort.

In my case, eating.

Today I’m sharing some of my crazed story of helplessness, and what I couldn’t see because of it.

You might be missing a way out, another option you don’t see as possible.

You might be frightened to try another way, but believe me….it’s worth it.

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Eating Peace: how do you travel and remain peaceful with food?

In the Eating Peace Core Teleclass, we explore how the mind takes over our experience of eating and our relationship to food becomes eating war, not eating peace.

But when you travel and leave home or are faced with something different and unusual with eating, anxiety and war-like thoughts might become even MORE difficult.

When you leave home, or change something familiar….even going out to eat at a new restaurant or attending a meal at someone’s home….

….many people with eating concerns think “Oh no, what will they serve? What will I eat? Will it be OK? I might overeat! I might not get enough! I’ll probably gain weight!” and on and ond with fearful anxious thoughts.

First, take a deep breath.

(What I always love to call the “first course” of any meal….a deep breath).

Then, do this (watch the video). Nothing else required.

If you’re ready to join the next Eating Peace Core teleclass, the next one is 8 weeks (instead of 6) and we’ll meet on Mondays 5:30-7:00 pm Pacific time starting May 9th. (Yes, you can listen to the recordings if you can’t make it live….and I will also offer this course on a morning hour in the future as well Pacific Time if this works better with your schedule).

Module One: (weeks one and two) Underlying Beliefs that fuel eating off-balance and the Food Plan. Should you follow a food plan, or not? I’ll share when it’s a good idea, and when not. I’ll also share the most common underlying beliefs I’ve found that create eating havoc. You’ll send me your peaceful food plan and I’ll share mine with you.

Module Two: (weeks three and four) Judging Bodies. What are your thoughts about how you should look, or what those other people look like? What do you think of other perfect bodies? We’ll explore why we

Module Three: (weeks five and six) Who Taught You? Here we look at what we innocently learned from those around us, whether family of origin or society or both. We learn to disconnect our actions from what we thought was “truth” about eating.

Module Four: (weeks seven and eight) Peace Beyond Beliefs. We look even deeper at the underlying beliefs, including what we’re thinking there’s Not Enough or Too Much of in our lives that isn’t food.

If you’d like to come along on this journey, the core eating peace teleclass is a wonderful way to look closely at your relationship with food and what thoughts and feelings take you away from the natural peace within.

All you need to join the course is a phone, or skype, or any way to dial the number or connect to the event via computer. The course is audio only (not video). We will have only a small handful of people so I can give you personal attention on this journey.

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace Talk

Teaching Eating Peace Retreat recently in California was magnificent.

I always love who appears to share the freedom of slowing down, stopping, holding still on a moment and identifying the thoughts that come alive in the presence of food.

Memories from the past, the people who raised us, the experience of being with food and eating it can all be present in this moment now, when we’re eating.

Together, we went back and looked at situations and our history, and at what we projected into the future that might happen that seemed scary.

If you’re wondering how to do this….today I’m sharing my January Eating Peace talk from the Institute for The Work convention (Byron Katie and certified facilitators in the audience). I didn’t know it would be filmed when I was there, but so honored it was and so happy to share it with you now.

This is the way to begin to understand and end your experience of eating off-balance.

Knowing you can discover peace with everything, including food and your body.

https://youtu.be/eqXBGK78Dk0

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Eating Peace: Talking To The Voice That Makes You Want To Eat

There's another way to approach eating peace that climbing on and falling off the wagon
There’s another way to approach eating peace that climbing on and falling off the wagon

I really loved sharing how to move off the Control Wagon yesterday….that is, the tendency we have to always think we need to control or change or manage our food or ourselves in order to feel happy with eating (or any compulsion, for that matter).

It is possible for everyone to find freedom in eating.

But granted, it does take some time. And it’s a different approach when we throw out the old yo-yo methods of being “on” or “off” a plan.

Listen and watch the slide show here to find out the four steps I shared to enter peace rather than the torment of looking for the right way to eat and not finding it.

Feeling like you can’t stop something you yourself engage in, is so weird, right?

But instead of feeling angry with this part of you that wants to eat, what if it was a voice with a very important message?

Awareness of the message changes everything.

“Wisdom comes with the ability to be still. Just look and just listen. No more is needed. Being still, looking, and listening activates the non-conceptual intelligence within you. Let stillness direct your words and actions.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

If you want to set aside a 3 hour mini-retreat to explore and meet the voices that want to eat….I’ll be offering a rare session this Saturday afternoon (Pacific Time) from 2-5 pm. For a small group, we’ll be taking a deep dive into the experience of emotional eating or graze eating….the kind of eating we later feel so unhappy about and wish we’d stop doing.

We’ll visit this compulsive voice, this mindless urge, through writing and inquiry exercises that will help us speak directly with the parts of us that seem to want to eat so badly.

We’ll take a look at what’s really going on, more than just the desire to eat.

This is my favorite exploration in life….to investigate the impulse to grab, ingest, think, eat….

….and end the battle through understanding and awareness.

I hope you’ll join me! If this is something you’d like to try, sign uphere (it’s $47 for the 3 hour online retreat). You’ll need a computer or phone with a speaker phone or headphones and a quiet space for yourself. You can choose to just participate without speaking for the entire time, or do The Work out loud, either way. The program will NOT be recorded.

I hope it will make a huge difference for you on your journey to eating peace.

Big peace,

Grace