Tag: inquiry

Posted on

They Should Clean The Kitchen

This past week I had minor knee surgery. I injured it several months ago while dancing.

I keep waiting to be irritable or annoyed, or unhappy. I noticed some pain, yes, and I was really, really sleepy for two days mostly because of the anesthesia. Now I limp.

But I just can’t get worked up about the actual knee or not being able to go out biking. I’m kind of liking being home all day.

The only time I experience a bit of stress is when I start thinking I should be doing something or that I ought to be accomplishing something right now.

Or when I tighten up against the pain I feel in my left leg.

Or (this one is good) when I think the rest of the people who live in this house aren’t cleaning up the kitchen! Forget any stress about the knee…why are there dirty dishes on the counter!?!

My mind seems to enjoy generating stories, like putting together endless puzzle pieces for a puzzle that will never be completed. It goes off on all kinds of tangents and wild goose chases!

  • No one else notices when the kitchen needs to be cleaned
  • There is a big dust dirt ball under that chair
  • I see cobwebs in the corner of the windows and SOMEONE should wipe them away
  • Who left their shoes in the middle of the living room?
  • The lawn needs to be mowed
  • Everyone in this family is sooooo dang messy!

So I read a short quote by Katie today and smiled…..as I lay in bed with my knee up on a pillow….“There is no story that is you or that leads to you. Every story leads away from you. You are what exists before all stories”.

Without any story behind what this all means with the knee thing or any story about the cleanliness of the house and what my family members need to be doing about it, I just sit and feel what it’s like to not have any thought of “should” and watch.

Oh look….my 15 year old just put all her dirty dishes in the dishwasher. And my partner then started the dishwasher. Then my son came in from being away overnight and collected all his stuff and took it to his room.

I also said once “could someone take out the garbage” and someone did it right away.

Asking for what I want is easy, especially when I’m not demanding that it happen. I ask, and it might happen and it might not, no big deal.

Same with the pain. It comes, it goes, I completely forget about it, then it’s back. It’s having its own life, no big deal. Loving what is.

“You are love. It hurts to believe you’re other than who you are, to live any story less than love.”–Byron Katie

Posted on

Writing Slows The Mind

I was reading about a woman in AA, Laura S she goes by, who also became a Buddhist after she got sober and stayed sober. She writes “…my life was unmanageable because my mind was unmanageable.”

At the heart of addiction, no matter what we are “addicted” to, lies unmanageable thoughts and feelings.

My particular addictive process presented itself around food and eating. I always felt like there was either too much food or not enough food, I had no idea what was just right. And then to top it off, I hated myself for having such a weird, violent relationship with food at all.

I also didn’t even get what I was thinking, I just knew I FELT horrific, terrified, desperately sad, angry, and awful. My belief about life itself was bleak, I saw lots of suffering going on “out there”. This world didn’t make sense.

The thing is, when I was stuck in an addictive pattern (in my case it was eating) then I had almost all FEELINGS and no THINKING, or so it seemed.

The thoughts were so covered up by my huge reactive feelings that I couldn’t even detect them.

Using the Work helped me stop and question and see what I was really believing when I had huge big feelings. I had to write.

Byron Katie says “the mind can justify itself faster than the speed of light, but it can be stopped through the act of writing. Once the mind is stopped on paper, thoughts remain stable, and inquiry can easily be applied.”

If you notice big patterns that feel addictive, like you can’t stop thinking about something or someone repeatedly, and you’re confused, then point the finger of blame on everything that is causing you pain.

Write about everyone and everything that has hurt you. Even if you think it’s petty or mean, or that you’re over it (or should be) by now.

One thing I love about the teleclass on Food and Eating is that after sitting so many times, slowing down what is happening for me in this world of eating, food, and my body…I have lots of ways I’ve drawn out my thinking, drawing it out from underneath all the big feelings.

Then we can really do inquiry, because we know what we’re working with!

Now the world still doesn’t make sense, but it’s actually hilarious that it makes no sense, it’s one big mysterious adventure, most fascinating and wonderful.

If you find you’re ready to look at painful thinking around food and eating, the next teleclass starts on Thursday next week, 8 – 9:30 am Pacific time.  We meet for 8 sessions and it’s a fabulous way to uncover what’s behind the difficult relationship with food.

I’d love it if you’d forward this e-mail to a friend or loved one. I appreciate you spreading the word about what I do…and…you never know how you may be changing someone’s life. You may even end up with a partner to do The Work with!

 

Posted on

They Don’t Appreciate Me

Yesterday in the very first class of the next round of Turning Relationship Hell To Heavenparticipants brought their thoughts to share on the call, those incredible answers to the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Boy, it is amazing to really let it out, say what we’re thinking even though we know it isn’t perfect…it may even be childish, petty, and mean.

This is the first step to freedom. It’s like shining a big light right on the most judgmental thoughts and looking at them closely, carefully.

Then we questioned a very common belief, which I have thought thousands of times, or suspected: “that person does not appreciate me”.

I decided to look up “appreciate” in the dictionary today. It is “to recognize the full worth of something, to be grateful for something”.

Holy Moly! That’s exactly what I would love, every time I’ve ever thought that someone should appreciate me.

What The Work brings me is an open unknowing place where I discover, wow, do I really, really want someone else to recognize my full worth and be grateful for me? Would it really, really matter if they started saying all the time how worthy I am, or how grateful they are for my presence?

It’s like we want it just enough, but not too much….hmmm….could it be possible it’s never quite right. Constant seeking for this recognition from outside of myself.

I’ve been so SURE that if I had this recognition, I would feel so much better. So it really is like if THEY appreciate me and express gratitude, then I’ll be happier.

I love how the Work brings me back to turning things around to see not only how that other person might actually appreciate me already (this was hard for some people in the class yesterday to find) but also how I don’t really appreciate them, and I don’t appreciate myself at all.

These other unappreciative people kind of match what I’m thinking about myself.

I love Katie’s saying “You are the one you’ve been waiting for”. Can you imagine really being your own best friend, your own nurturing parent, your own playful child, your own secret admirer?

Letting go of needing or even wanting appreciation, I discover that sometimes, other people say things to me like “thank you so much” or “you are so wonderful”. Then, I notice that reality is offering appreciation.

How do I know I do NOT need to hear appreciating words from that person who never gives them? I don’t hear them.

How do I know I DO need to hear wonderful appreciating words and compliments about me? Someone says them and I hear them.

Sometimes sitting in question four is an act of imagination. As Katie writes in I Need Your Love, Is It True? You can take an imaginative leap. You imagine what your life would be like without the painful thought; if you weren’t even capable of thinking it. In your imagination, look at the person who you wish would appreciate you without the thought that they don’t.

I begin to see everyone doing the best they can. There is some important reason, and I may never know it, why they are not showing appreciation in the way I thought I wanted it.

But appreciation is still present here, in my life, inside of me…right here.

Posted on

Fabulous Uncertainty

This past week I was in an audience of 4000 counselors and therapists listening to an incredible man deliver a keynote speech at an annual conference, Irving Yalom. He is one of my teachers and a human I greatly admire in this world.

Most people have never heard of him! But he is famous in the world of mental health, a beloved psychotherapist who has taught at Stanford and practiced for 40 years.

Irving Yalom writes in one of his many books that the capacity to tolerate uncertainty is a prerequisite for becoming a therapist, and that really we are all in this together. The “problems” people bring to therapy are ALL of our problems.

This reminds me so much of Byron Katie saying “there are no new thoughts!”

We get uncomfortable and life happens, and we have interactions with other humans (often these are humans related to us, or very close) and something is threatened inside of us. We don’t feel safe, we feel loss, we feel needy, we feel misunderstood.

Then, the mind attacks that other person. It does this so innocently, it’s natural for the mind to do it. That person, that event, that situation caused me unhappiness. That thing outside of me hurt me. If only that thing, that person, hadn’t done that or said that, I would be OK right now.

Off with their head!!!!! Or…Run away!!!!!

And what about reality itself…so many things I haven’t agreed with about this world, if God had asked my opinion. I don’t like blood and accidents and cancer, I don’t like death. I don’t like starvation, hatred, wars, tsunamis, or climate change.

When I first read Loving What Is, I realized that I had a TON of things that I could write the book Hating What Is.

I love how Katie says “who needs God when we have you” when someone is particularly opinionated. And that would be me, right? I mean, like I said, I had a very long list of what I found unacceptable and in need of change. I had a few things to say to God, if I had God’s ear.

But then, oh dear, we can start to feel so horrendous about our thoughts, like we’re just the meanest, nastiest, most cutting, vicious, selfish, bossy person. Or the most cold, withdrawing, nervous person. Or the most unforgiving, resentful, closed-minded person.

Beginning to question all the concepts we have about those people who have done even the smallest thing that caused pain has made a huge difference in my life.

Then, questioning my beliefs about death, reality, God, life, pain….then my mind really begins to expand.

One of my most incredible light-bulb moments of my life was in writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on God. Really lettin’ God have it, all my genuine petty, childish, non-spiritual, angry, despairing judgments.

Then doing The Work on these thoughts…..is it really true that all “this” is a big mess, that this world, this life, is painful, stressful? That God didn’t answer my prayers when I was a child, or that God is aloof and distant?

Who would I be without the thought that something is amiss about life, that this is a tough place to be, this world?

Wow, at first I’d be confused. Blank. Then I continue to stay in question four, who would I be without these terrible thoughts about God or Reality?

Who would I be? I’d be excited. Open. Unafraid. Wondering.

Byron Katie says in A Thousand Names For Joy “the only time you suffer is when you believe a thought that argues with reality. You are the cause of your own suffering–but only all of it. There is no suffering in the world; there’s only an uninvestigated story that leads you to believe it. There is no suffering in the world that’s real. Isn’t that amazing!”

I have a big humongous story that there is lots of suffering in the world—I have found proof that it is true! Haven’t I? But can I really know that what I have thought of as bad is really BAD? For sure, the end, no doubt whatsoever? No. I can’t know absolutely.

Isn’t that amazing!!

Posted on

What Is Success, Really?

If you were really, truly successful…..what would that look like?

Oooh boy, that is such a fine question for the busy busy little mind. It starts the ball rolling on what could be better.

Now, don’t get me wrong! Considering the future is part of life when you have a mind. This is actually a really fun, creative exercise. People use it all the time in trainings and counseling or coaching sessions to allow inspiring visions to appear, to build exciting scenes in the imagination!

And for those of us who tend to picture frightening visions of the future, it can be a new and different idea to envision images that are peaceful, calm and supportive.

But oh what a trickster the mind can be. So many possibilities, it can be overwhelming. So many paths to take.

And the difference between NOW and THEN (that future successful image) gets more and more clear, pronounced, real, distant, far away…..oh dear, here comes the awareness that right NOW is not quite as good as LATER might be.

So what would success look like? I’ve had so many pictures, but it kind of looks like this:

  • If I were really really successful I would be in great physical shape, like I’d decide to run a half-marathon or mountain bike race and it would be no big deal
  • I would have love, joy and laughter in all my interactions with my children—they would adore me and I would adore them
  • I wouldn’t get terrified, enraged, or depressed…..Call me Yoda.
  • All my relationships would be really clear, clean, intimate, honest
  • I would make decisions with speed and sharpness
  • My house and possessions would be elegant, comfortable, and anything needing to be fixed would be fixed IMMEDIATELY
  • I would have plenty of money to travel, pay for my childrens’ education, get massages, do good in the world
  • I would never get sick, I definitely wouldn’t get cancer
  • I would have a fabulous, amazing life partner that was also successful
  • I would be a published author and have a waiting list of clients wanting to work with me
  • I would make a difference in the world, maybe even become famous in my field

Notice how this list is all centered around something called “I”. It’s all about ME. I have found that when the underlying motive is to get “there” to “success” so I can be happy, then I forget that I am actually happy right now.

If I think I’m NOT happy right now, I write down why. I take these concepts to inquiry. I find there is nothing lacking, nothing needed. Success is actually here, right now. No searching necessary, no exercises are necessary even to “picture” what success will be in the future.

From the Tao Te Ching 74: “If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, chances are that you’ll cut your hand.”

Once you inquire into what you believe success is, you may find you feel freer, that there is a wonderful place of knowing you can’t hold onto anything. Now it is fun, creative, child-like, and stress-free to play with imagining the future. But it’s not necessary for having a happy life.

The strangest thing is, the more I let go of pushing for success, the more successful I’ve become. Even though, as it turns out, I’ve had cancer, been depressed and pissed off, sometimes have to postpone a class because of low enrollment, and have never published anything. Unless you count this!

Join the next Money and Your Business teleclass on Saturdays starting April 7th! We look deeply at success, fears, how we feel about marketing, money, and what’s the worst that could happen in our working life!

Posted on

Batty 14 Year Olds!

Speaking of batty…

One of my favorite gurus is my 14 year old daughter. Fourteen going on ten. Or…fourteen going on 75.

The comments and moods and behaviors coming from that amazing being, appearing as my daughter, change and swerve right and left, up and down like the way a bat flies.

Hmmm, who does this remind me of? Gosh! It just seems so familiar!

Oh. Yeah. That would be ME.

The mind is incredibly fast, tricky, working hard to solve problems and prevent mishaps.

I have found it to be true, so far, that everything that causes stress ultimately leads to me believing “It’s possible that I’m not safe. I need to live. What matters most is my happiness.”

The absolutely fastest, lazer-speed, cut-to-the-core way to handle anxiety, stress, pain, fear, anger towards this incredible14 year old who I encounter every single day is The Work.

I notice that clients working with children often feel the worst about writing about these young people in their care.

We aren’t supposed to feel rage, fury, grief, horror or shock with children! Then we’re evil like the people in the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang from the town of Vulgaria where children are abhorred by the king and queen!

Here are some of the thoughts I have questioned in the past:

  • She shouldn’t raise her voice at me!
  • She should do what I say!
  • She should notice how messy her room is and clean it up!
  • If I suggest that we do something fun together and she says “I don’t like doing that!” it means she doesn’t want to spend time with me or doesn’t care about me.
  • I want her to like me
  • She should not oppose me!

Even though I see what a dictator I am, I do not shut down and say “I am a terrible mother” because I have these thoughts. Instead, I allow my judgmental mind to have its say. I let it jump around all over the place hissing and spitting out all the mean, vicious, goofy, bossy, controlling thoughts!

NOW, I can really question, with open attention, compassion. No one is wrong, no one is terrible. Let’s look together. All is well. This is just mind, thinking itself into a batty frenzy.

And now this same mind can answer some amazing questions, starting with Is It True?

I have found that answering these four questions on my daughter’s words and actions have made me laugh so hard at myself and my dictatorship…now, life is way funnier and way more fun.

Living with a 14 year old teenager is absolute heaven. I’m in the presence of an incredible spiritual teacher. Showing me true love.

If your child is one of your stressors….write down your Vulgaria Voice judgments and come join us in the telegroup that starts next Tuesday! Laughter may be closer than you think!

Posted on

No and Yes Both Good

Very recently I knew I needed to tell someone “no” and although I have done a lot of work on this, some anxiety followed. I even woke up in the morning thinking about how I had said No (I had written a letter) and imagining the response.

That person will be sooooo sad. They will be shocked. They will be surprised to learn that this is my answer. They will wonder why I didn’t say “no” before now. They will be embarrassed. They will discover how I withheld my feelings of “no” before I said it really straight up. They will judge me as unkind.

Oh the list goes on! All these terrible things that can happen for saying “no”!

Before I had this inquiry work, I avoided any situation where I would have to say No to someone. People who said “no” were bossy, mean, selfish, closed-minded, unwilling.
People who said “no” were harsh, powerful, thoughtless, and weren’t thinking of other peoples’ feelings enough. They were like Hitler! Big bossy, destructive and selfish!

Then there are the people who receive the “no”…. they also have a list of judgments!

People who receive a “no” are deflated, disappointed, sad, suicidal, confused, unhappy, angry, depressed, enraged, violent, hurt, hopeless…..or in worst case scenario, they are DEAD!

No wonder saying “no” was so terrible and difficult. I wanted to be a nice, kind, open-minded, thoughtful person. And I didn’t want to “make” someone else unhappy.

What an amazing thing to question that if I say no I’m only thinking of myself, and that this thinking of myself is a BAD THING.

Is it true that if I say “no” to someone and people get hurt, that this makes me BAD?

I find that the “no” comes welling up from inside of me. I have the feeling that it’s not right for me, what the person has requested. I can tell my answer is genuine and honest.
It doesn’t mean that tomorrow, I may have a different answer, but right now, I can tell the answer is “no”. I could have a “maybe” or a “yes” for other requests in my life.

Katie writes in A Thousand Names For Joy “I love the sweet movement and flavor of mind changing. I move as it moves, without an atom of resistance. It shifts like the wind. I say yes, because there is no reason to say no, and I say no very easily, too. No is as effortless as yes. I say whatever I know is true for me. It sometimes confuses people; they misunderstand, and they do what they need to do with it. And I am very clear that a no is as loving as a yes, because I am always saying yes to my integrity.”

Without thinking that someone might have stressful response to my “no” and this would be a bad thing (or mean that I am bad), then I am sooooo free to express what is a true answer for me to any request.

I am so different now as a parent, a partner, a friend than I once was. I used to even think that people shouldn’t even ask me for things if the answer is “no” for me. They shouldn’t even ask, because “they” were “making” me say No! Which was BAD.

Good people say Yes all the time. They are open, willing, smiling, nice, and people like them. Ha! Wow! What a fantastic thing to question.

After inquiry today, I feel so much peace. Saying No is beautiful. I have no idea what the next moment will bring. I just feel peace in the present. All is well.

Posted on

It’s My Fault

I was upset with myself recently and heard my mind say “you got yourself into this, it’s your fault”.

This can happen with big and small events, short and long conversations, big surprises, small surprises, accidents, the unexpected.

What a fantastic concept to question! “It is my fault”. Is that really true? What does that even mean?

It’s like the mind is getting fired up and it’s main focus is “let’s find out who is to blame…and by the way, this time it’s probably YOU!” And if someone is to blame, then they are BAD.

A fantastic meditation teacher and writer called Cheri Huber wrote a book called “There Is Nothing Wrong With You”. I’ve read it, like, 150 times. Seriously. It has big font and not many words on each page.

Imagine the last time you did or said something and then had the thought “that was my fault”.  Your version might be “I shouldn’t have said it that way, I could have prevented that outcome, I’m just not good at ______.” And some of us also start thinking about the other people involved, and how THEY could use some improvement as well of course. Always scanning for who did worse, who is the biggest jerk.

How does it feel in your body when you think it’s your fault? Heavy, depressing, low, thick, nauseated, jittery, aching, sleepy, crushing.

There you are, sitting in a chair, or walking along, or going about your day, and you keep thinking of that stupid thing you did or that your said. You start to think about how you could prevent it next time. You might think about ways you could “pay” for it and therefore feel better.

This is not a friendly belief. It produces tons of stress. Therefore, it is also not a true thought. Beliefs that are true feel peaceful, calm, simple, open. Notice how it also isn’t true that it’s someone else’s fault. That’s also very stressful.

I love sitting with who I would be, in these moments where I decided I was wrong and worthy of blame, without the belief that it was my fault? I don’t mean the kind of saying “it’s not MY fault!” like little kids say when they’re scared to death and they want it to be someone else’s fault.

Cheri Huber asks “Can you be lovable NOT meeting the standards? Can you stop trying to change into who you wish you were long enough to find out who you really are? You will never improve yourself enough to meet your standards.”

Wow! If I turn the painful belief around and look at this concept “there is no one to blame”!

Wait…what? But what about the pain, the difficulties of the world, the people who are hurting, the mental illness, addiction, cancer, disease, psychopaths, murderers, violence!?!

There has to be a reason for these, it has to be someone’s fault! If we don’t find out whose fault it is then terrible things will happen over and over again. I have to find out the root of the badness and pull it out!

News flash: I can’t find who is to blame. It seems easy if it’s me and I pop over to that idea a lot, but….really, who would I be without the thought that the bad stuff is someone’s fault?

Empty. Silent. Open. Vast. Expansive. Wondering. Free. More relaxed, not tight. Not against anything. Not sure. Not knowing. Mind without a job. Mind at rest.

“Beginning to wake up. Beginning to not take it personally. Beginning to see that life isn’t anyone’s fault. It just is and you jsut are, and it’s all just fine.”–Cheri Huber

Join the teleclass on Relationships starting in only 2 weeks! We’ll look at those people we tend to blame in our lives—we all do it–and question it together!

Love, Grace

Posted on

Trying To Be Detached

Most of us these days have thought about the term “Enlightenment”. In one of the online dictionaries it is defined as transcending suffering and desire.

That about sums up my determination in my late teens and throughout my twenties. The way I would handle not feeling confident, not having lots of money, not feeling happy, and constantly feeling empty and hungry and like actually eating tons of food or smoking and drinking a lot was that I would chase after every teacher, idea, book and philosophy that could teach me how to NOT WANT ANYTHING.

It seemed like being totally unattached would feel so free, painless, and easy.

Wouldn’t it be great to be detached and just be able to say honestly “uh, yeah, I don’t really care about eating anything right now. Whatever.”

Or, “I don’t care about having a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it doesn’t matter one way or the other.”

Or, “Who cares about my job, we’re all rats in the rat-race so I’ll just walk away from it or never get anything where I really have to do what the Man says”.

I like when the detachment chase becomes a little possible in some areas, and it seems like we’re conquering it. It feels so transcendent. “I’m beyond all this! It’s working! Hooray, I don’t care!”

The tricky part about this search for detachment is that it is just another strategy created by my mind. When something doesn’t work, the mind gets a bigger plan, says Katie. The new plan: Attain Enlightenment!!!!

The problem is, I was always there with my imperfect little self, making mistakes and having emotional ups and downs, sad then happy, angry then calm. Worried then not worried.

I think it’s called being a Regular Human.

It can feel like a weight is lifted off your entire world if you stop trying to “work” on your attachments. If you feel beyond them and like you get some distance, it feels so wonderful to not react.

But those of us who are drawn to detachment….like me….it’s good to be really honest and still find out what I care about, what I love, what I miss. Doing the Work doesn’t mean being passive and being detached and “loving what is” absolutely all the time without passion. It feels alive, aware, present, excited.

If you’ve been interested in Enlightenment and seeking it, write down all your concepts on what is good about it and what is wrong with you now, if you believe you’re not there yet.

I love what Adyashanti writes about seeking and trying to get to that state that we think is better than whatever is happening right now, whether it’s being detached like I used to want all the time, or feeling blissful:

“What does awakening mean for you? Do you want it because it sounds good? Then you’ve borrowed someone else’s idea of it. What is it that’s intrinsic to you? What’s been important to you your whole life? If you touch upon that, you are in touch with a force that no teacher or teaching could ever give you. You are quite on your own in finding it. No one can tell you what that is.”—Adyashanti

Love, Grace

Posted on

Torture Chamber Silence NOT!

Today I’m sitting in meditation retreat. I absolutely love the silence.

Before I learned how to question my thinking and get some little space
or distance from it, I had more of a love-hate relationship with silence.

Now it seems that my experience of silence and emptiness matches
my willingness to be with my own thinking, to welcome every little
petty or mean thought “like it’s a little child” as Katie says.

The first time I decided to try to meditate I was about 18 years old. I
could hardly stand sitting there for five minutes. My mind really did
NOT feel like a friendly universe.

Now, it feels like the world is downright magical. And because I am
not so tortured with my thoughts (now the torture chamber is only
open on Mondays in the winter rather than a year-round resort) I look forward
to meditation with joy and anticipation. Like I’m going on an adventure.

Truly amazing!

I share with you all this poem by Rumi today, with no more of my own words:

There is a community of the spirit.
Join it, and feel the delight.
of walking in the noisy street,
and being the noise.

Drink all your passion,
and be a disgrace.

Open your hands,
if you want to be held.

Sit down in this circle.

Quit acting like a wolf, and feel
the shepherd’s love filling you.

At night, your beloved wanders.
Don’t accept consolations.

Close your mouth against food,
Taste the lover’s mouth in yours.

You moan, “She left me.” “He left me.”
Twenty more will come.

Be empty of worrying.
Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison
when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always
widening rings of being.

——Rumi

Love, Grace