Tag: adyashanti

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When In Doubt–Lean Inside

Have you ever pondered a decision, flipped back and forth, written lists of pros and cons, agonized, consulted others on what to do?

Just about all of us have done this at least one time: what will be my major, should I go to that school, is breaking up with him a good idea, should I stay, when is the best time to start that program, is this place or that place better, do I choose the blue one or the pink one?

How can I decide? Yowsers!!

Even if you don’t have much trouble “making” decisions….

…you’ve probably had at least one biggie that took more than five minutes to make.

In one of the sweet and powerful YOI (Year of Inquiry) Groups recently, one of our participants asked if they could bring a new friend to the in-person weekend retreat.

The people of YOI meet for these twice a year, unless someone YOI lives miles and miles away (England, Toronto, Michigan, New York, Hawaii….although one member is traveling from Florida…I think distance may be less important than we THINK).

I had to stop and consider the question.

Can someone in YOI bring a friend to just the retreat?

My process: check in with gut, still uncertain, call the requester and have a conversation, still uncertain, hear from other members of the group, still uncertain, consult a wise and detached mentor, still uncertain.

And then….holding the whole group in mind and deeply feeling what is created here with people committing, joining, investing, and being a part of something for a whole year…

…I knew the answer was No.

But oh! I could disappoint the wonderful inquirer who made the request!

Hand wringing, hand wringing.

If you have known that you needed to say “no” to someone, no matter how incredible they are, then you know it’s not personal.

Saying “no”, deciding not to go for it, taking the left turn not the right turn, saying goodbye, quitting that job, telling them “thank you, and no”….

….these are powerful moments. You may not know what you are moving towards, you simply know you are moving away….

It was a very early spring, almost violently bright sunny morning in February in Colorado. My dorm room was warm, the high mountain air dry. I quietly packed my final clothing into my suitcase under my bed.

My roommate was already gone, working out early before she went to church.

A dear young man, Sean, who had carved a beautiful wooden GRACE by hand for me for my recent 19th birthday, was waiting for me in the parking lot in his mom and dad’s station wagon. The smoke formed clouds from the tail pipe.

I had met Sean at the local church youth group in town, off campus.

For all the months here at school, I had tried hard to have fun.

I had tried to work hard, but I was having a nervous breakdown, or a life-break-down, I didn’t know what. I was at the church youth group every Wednesday and Sunday with people and families who didn’t know me from the college. I couldn’t concentrate on my classes. I was obsessing about food worse and worse.

Now Sean was driving me to the airport.

That day, I knew to leave. I knew to head home, to Seattle. Where the sun wasn’t so blinding. And neither were my thoughts.

That was a very, very hard decision.

I was leaving an excellent, high-level small liberal arts college in one of the most beautiful places in the country.

Sometimes, saying No is life-changing and dramatic, and twists you up in knots.

What a grand place for The Work.

Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say NO? Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say YES? Is it true that I need to decide? Is it true that I could make a mistake?

Help Help Warning Warning!!

(Sound effects: Big Honking Fire Alarms Going With Red Lights Flashing!)

Are you sure this is “difficult” and are you sure you don’t really know which way to move?

No. I do know.

“What you start to get used to, very subtly at first, is almost like an inward leaning. There’s an inward leaning, one way or the other. You just feel that the Infinite is inclining toward one direction. Then your mind wants to know, “I feel it is going in that direction. Is that the right direction? Is that true? Is it all going to work out for me?” The interesting thing about the way the Infinite moves is it never answers those questions, does it?” ~ Adyashanti  

Who would I be without the thought that it’s hard to decide, or it’s difficult to say no (or yes), or that something bad will happen, or that mistakes could be made, or that you have to decide NOW!?

Peaceful, very quiet, hearing in the silence the way to lean.

Willing to pause, be gentle. Feel.

Feeling loving kindness and care arise as a leader, a gatekeeper (in this YOI story).

Turning the thoughts around….there is no past and no future, no need to THINK heavily, with effort, nervousness, anxiety.

No expectations, no analysis here, I am present. I say one thing, I say another the next day. Things unroll the way they need to, gathering the input, all in the right timing, everything unfolding.

You will know when deciding happens, or change, or turning back, or moving forward.

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future.” ~ Byron Katie

Wow. With no future….ahhhhhhh…letting life have you. 

To come join our YOI family, click here. Yes, it’s a whole year, a new topic every month. Telegroups on Fridays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Email grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation and learn more.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Entering A Higher Form Of Intelligence–Together

Only two weeks from today on 3/8: jam session in The Work 1:30-5:30 pm, Seattle. Start from wherever you are. You’ll take a look at something that seems to not be working well, someone you’ve been troubled by, an ongoing problem.

I love that people show up, and go for it.

At least that’s what I love about questioning my thoughts, my feelings, situations that bother me.

In that moment that I take a seat, sit with other inquirers, pull out a pen and paper….I’m going for it.

Being able to be totally and completely honest, with all the anxious, mean, vicious, nasty, terrified, distressed thoughts….even from the distant past….and look at them head on like they are worthy of being addressed is a remarkable feeling.

These are the feelings I used to avoid.

These are the thoughts I used to shove under the rug, or try to distract myself from.

I should just be happy and doing something productive and not thinking negative thoughts and being a good citizen!!

My old mantra when I felt anger, sadness, or fear was “Quick! Look over there instead! Danger Danger! Do Something Else!”

I used binge-eating, running, movies, alcohol, and to-do lists to keep very, very busy.

Last night, I noticed a funny little evening thought.

Outside was a full moon, quiet night air. A friend had come over and she, my husband and I had tea. We ate some chocolate hearts with fortune messages inside. We all wrote letters together.

After hugs and goodbyes, and putting our letters in envelopes, with stamps, she left, and I thought about several other tasks I needed to accomplish for upcoming events.

I could work on them for an hour or so, before going to bed.

But then…seconds later….the thought “let’s watch the next episode of Dexter”.

(Yes, my second television show series in over a decade. It started with getting Six Feet Under from the library two years ago).

Two episodes later it’s almost midnight.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But I’m reminded how the urge to escape and think about nothing that has anything to do with ME; my interests, worries, success, fears, goals, pain, suffering, tasks, thinking, uncomfortable feelings….

….is incredibly appealing.

ESCAPE!!

And so, something moved to watch the story of what happens next in that story, and now on Saturday morning there’s sitting and being here again, with less drama.

I love that a client will be on his way soon for a session this afternoon, and tomorrow there will be two more sessions, and Monday quite a few sessions with incredible people….spending time in their presence, looking at the mind, staying with it.

I love that the mini retreat is coming in two weeks, because that is what brings me to presence. I plan to sit and do inquiry.

Willing to sit, be here right now. With this busy mind. With this human body.

If you’re drawn, if it would feel like going for it, if it is appealing, interesting, exciting, maybe a little scary, yet you are willing to look…perhaps you’ve exhausted all other choices….

….join me in inquiry.

Whether a teleclass, Year of Inquiry, a mini retreat coming soon, the Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend in April in Seattle, I am so touched by what we do together.

Simple as it sounds, placing aside the intention to connect with others and do inquiry is very powerful.

All the big coaching success blah-blah books have this in their directives: SCHEDULE IT.

But they are ON to something.

Go to the retreat. Sign up. Say yes. Join others. Allow yourself to be guided. Show up at the meeting. Sit in the chair. Close your eyes. Start writing.

You may find that as you put your boat in the river of looking, as you enter the flow of inquiry….

….you begin to be directed by an order of intelligence that is far beyond the mind, the personal, the individual.

You’re saying “yes” and you enter the silence. And awe.

And it’s more than just OK, it’s beyond belief.

Give yourself the opportunity to get there. You will anyway, there’s no emergency or rush….

…but why not now?

“In ego-land it’s helpful to have an ego that can discriminate between right and wrong, but at a certain point, that’s not what you are operating by. You are operating by the flow of the Tao, which is a higher order of intelligence. You don’t need to intellectually discriminate anymore because the Tao discriminates without discriminating; it knows without knowing; it moves without moving. There is no sense of being enlightened or unenlightened.” ~ Adyashanti

Sign up for Mini Retreat Jam Session by hitting reply to this email and letting me know you’re coming, or sign up for the next teleclass.

Sign up for Year of Inquiry the same way, or clicking for more information HERE.

Appreciations for Group Gathering in The Work:
“Dear Grace, I so appreciate your teleclass savvy. in my book, you are a model for teleclass giving. This body so appreciates the combined effect of the food teleclass and the work. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“I had no idea I thought I needed money to feel safe and
secure and happy and special and needed and wanted and in control….I appreciate the stress-free but supportive environment you create that allows whatever is up to be welcomed into inquiry.”

“Thank you so much for our group and Grace for such amazing insights and leadership. It’s been a pleasure to let go of so many heavy thought-weights, together.”

Love, Grace

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Heaven Is Putting Your Separateness On Hold

Almost nine years ago, I signed up for the School for The Work of Byron Katie.

Little did I know what a crazy, joyful, astonishing adventure it would be to begin to question what I was thinking.

You mean, I don’t have to believe that everything that runs through my head is true?

All the scary stuff about other people, having big emotions like terror or rage, living successfully, failing, being safe, telling the truth, getting sick or hurt, engaging in addictive behavior, pursuing the meaning of life, or contemplating death itself?

That’s a lot of thinking, over a lot of years. Always in the background.

What’s All This about? What’s going on around Here on planet Earth?

After I left the School which lasted nine days, I knew what to do when I had a feeling of anxiety, worry, sadness, irritation or emotional reaction that didn’t feel good.

Or even curiosity, resistance, confusion.

I knew I could identify what it was I thought in that moment, and spend some time with it to see if it was really true.

I thought “why would I need a facilitator? It’s four simple questions and then finding turnarounds. I can do this with one hand tied behind my back!”

My life continued along, and the thing is….it got a little fast-paced.

Movement was happening. I was faced with divorce, moments of unrest with my kids, money worries, cancer.

It’s not always natural or easy (so it seems) to stop, do a little writing, and take a moment to understand what it is that’s going on in your mind like its your best friend and you have all the time in the world for examining your thoughts.

Your mind does not always feel exactly like a Best Friend, if you know what I mean.

Plus, the mind is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and definitely able to leap tall buildings or even whole countries in a single bound.

(If you’re not so sure about that, quick right now, think about France…now think about Africa….see what I mean?)

As the weeks went by following my 9 day immersion in The Work with Byron Katie herself, I noticed every so often that I hadn’t actually sat down and done The Work for a few days.

Then a few more days.

Then a couple of weeks.

I’m doing The Work in my head in the car! Isn’t that good enough? 

But I’d get interrupted. I’d forget where I was. I’d get lost.

Then…I decided I needed a companion. I needed a friend, a co-facilitator, I needed to anchor this practice into time so that it actually happened.

Because every single time I did it from start to finish, with someone else, or with a small group, there was always a magnificent discovery.

Like I was able to have a genuine, honest conversation with my own mind, after enlisting support.

Gosh. With other people facilitating me, and time set on the calendar…shared investigation, depth, authentic connection.

Up to me on my own with Me, Myself and I running the show, the short-cut version, kind of like fake sugar. Not quite right.

The way things were going all on my own wasn’t exactly reliable.

I knew I didn’t want to mess around.  This was my life. My world was changing.

In some ways, it was falling apart completely.

Everything I had previously thought of as true was up for grabs.

I got a facilitator. Best move I could have made.  Because when I felt just a wee bit better emotionally, in control, relaxed, like “OK, I got it! I’m good!” I would have the urge to take that idea seriously.

But I didn’t.

Thank you for sharing, oh mind that thinks it can do everything by itself thank you very much. I love that you’re so independent and brilliant (which it is, actually).

However, the results are that on my own it kind of looked like the tasmanian devil approach, with slight moments of exhaustion and re-grouping in between.

I wanted peace.

Of course, the great paradox is that everyone must find their own answers….they are actually already there, in the silence within all of us, ready to blossom.

But if like me you find that you just don’t find the time, commitment, clarity or depth on your own at first…you may love signing up for a class with others, or putting yourself in a retreat or structured program, or scheduling time with a facilitator.

It doesn’t have to be anything that costs money, you can call the Help Line on thework.com or you can get a partner to trade sessions with.

I continue to value the peeps I gather with as my stepping stones to true peace.

Just like when I first went to 12 Step Meetings so long ago at age 19. On my own, things weren’t going so well.

In a group….better.

It doesn’t matter if the people you encounter are your new best friends. The group is for you to show up into. It brings a stable structure that you don’t have to question.

You’re just there, scheduling it is handled.

“Mind’s job is to be right, and it can justify itself faster than the speed of light. Stop the portion of your thinking that is the source of your fear, anger, sadness, or resentment by transferring it to paper. Once the mind is stopped on paper, it’s much easier to investigate. Eventually The Work begins to undo you automatically without writing.” ~ Byron Katie 

If you notice that like me, you kinda want the speed-dating, speed-skating, speed-racer path to enlightenment…. ….then you may enjoy entering the Year of Inquiry (YOI) for the Addictive Mind program.

A WHOLE YEAR?!?!

Yes.

Invented for the more brilliant, quick, distracted minds that may find great serenity in having a set time 3 times per month for 90 minutes with others to investigate your deepest judgments, your stressful thinking, your assumptions, your troubling ideas.

We do it on the phone, so you can be anywhere.

Even your car.

And of course, no one needs to do YOI. You can do a shorter class (the one on Parenting starts soon!) or set up a trade with someone in your life.

If I could do it, you can too!

If this was your last year in this lifetime…would you want to be with others in this deeply intimate way?

Would you want to rest in knowing you had the time and space to dial-in, literally, to inquiry?

I would.

Heaven in YOI“I love that I have to EXPERIENCE the Work, have to DO it, to be IN it.  And when I do The Work – surprise! – I am letting go into the moment. I’ve been at it for a few years now, here and there, sometimes frequently/intensely, sometimes not for weeks or even months.  And here we are in this terrific group.  Heaven.” ~ YOI participant

Come join us in un-believing and un-doing your painful thoughts. Losing your world could be a good thing….and you can get support while doing it.

It’s why meditation retreats, groups, classes, communities exist.

Because other people ARE you, of course.  “

Everyone is a mirror image of yourself-your own thinking coming back to you.” ~ Byron Katie  

Reply to this email if you’re ready to sign up for YOI or another class. Let me know how I can be of service to you.  My sincere commitment is joining with others in our true freedom.

As the wise and loving teacher Adya says about signing up for meditation retreats or classes:
“….They are an opportunity to put your separateness on hold and discover the liberating truth of what you are…” ~ Adyashanti  

Love, Grace

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How To Get The To-Do List All Done

The word “whelm” comes from an old English term that meant to overturn a vessel. Totally submerged, turned upside down, drowning, helpless.

Today, I glanced at the clock knowing I had exactly two hours to respond to a bunch of emails, write for 50 minutes on my book proposal (at least that’s my little plan), take a shower, finish my taxes, work with a client, write this blog, fix something on my website, watch a training video, and make a green smoothie.

If I really did all of that, it would take five hours. Depending on the speed needed for the email replies.

The mind kicks in…what can I cut?

Not enough time! Not enough time! Not enough time!

And then there’s a few more personal messages I would actually like to respond to but naturally, not enough time for those, either.

When time appears to be limited, with more things to do in it than what allows….a strange dynamic gets built that believes in TIME and that MORE of it will resolve this state of un-done-ness.

Yesterday, I unexpectedly devoted a lot of time to my wonderful son who is 19. He needed fairly quick medical attention and we had to see an ear, nose and throat surgeon/specialist.

After a fascinating two-hour visit (I got to see a film of his inner ear on a big screen and a bunch of weird stuff inside it) and a procedure, the next step was driving son back to college. Ninety minutes away.

3.5 more hours for me out of my “schedule”.

Now, because I love caring for my kid and have zero trouble with whatever needs to happen there, the whole afternoon and evening I did not consider a waste of time, and I loved spending time with him….

….but I had the thought this morning that I don’t have enough of it to allow for surprises, changes, hitches, cancellations.

Then, in comes the itchy little thoughts. I need more time, and for these reasons (x, y, and z) I am getting held back. I should cancel my dinner date tonight. I should skip my own physical therapy appointment later.

Uh oh. Overwhelm is descending. The boat is getting turned over.

Ahhh….must inquire.

What do I actually need more time for?

Creativity, building and making everything I’m thinking into a reality, connection, success!

And what do I need creativity for? What would I have, if I had my creations manifested into reality? What would it mean if I emailed back, traded communications with people? What would I have if I had success?

I’d feel Happy! Powerful! In Service! Mighty! Joyful! Rooted!

Quite remarkable what I think more time would give me…like it’s an obvious stepping stone to feeling strength, happiness, and joy.

Woah.

If I just had more time, I wouldn’t feel so incomplete, unfinished, unstable, small, limited, insecure, unsafe……

I suddenly picture I’m at the end of my life, still with the thought.

Please….just a little bit more time? God? Source? Reality? Universe?

Like I’m asking something Out There.

More. Now. I personally need it.

I see how I am when my convinced mind that believes that More Time would offer greater happiness.

I get all worked up internally, going fast, speedy. I feel an adrenaline rush. I don’t go to the bathroom until I’m bursting. I don’t ever pick up the phone when it rings. I feel irritable with interruptions.

I think about canceling things I love to do most.

Like I’m running a race and I’ll wait til it’s over before I slow down, or take care of basic needs, or simply enjoy myself, or pay attention to anything except the finish line.

So who would I be without the thought that I need more time and there’s not enough of it right now?

Writing this Grace Note. Taking a long, deep breath.

Without the thought that anything is actually un-done?

An even deeper breath.

Everything good the way it is. Everything brilliant the way it is. I stop and look around the room, hearing the air of the heater, listening to the mail truck drop off mail, feeling my sweater on my arms, relaxing.

Turning the thought around: Everything is completely and entirely Done right now, in this moment, as much as it needs to be for my happiness….I do not need More Time. 

“As soon as your idea of enlightenment becomes time-bound, it’s always about the next moment. You may have a deep spiritual experience and then ask, ‘How long will I sustain this experience?’ As long as you insist on the question, you remain time-bound. If you are still interested in time and the spiritual accumulations you can have in time, you will get a time-bound experience. The mind is acting as if what you are looking for isn’t already present right now….So you miss what’s actually here.” ~ Adyashanti

Here now is a beautiful silver laptop, and a full spectacular mind thinking many thoughts, words spilling out onto the screen, images of meeting a very close friend for dinner later, feeling the joy of creativity in this moment, feeling in service, noticing how very safe I am, connected to the flow of life…

….joyfully unfinished, not done.

No submerged boat. Not whelmed. Not underwater, not drowning.

FLOATING, face up to the gorgeous sky, feeling everything.

Could it be TRUER right now that I am complete, finished, stable, expansive, unlimited, secure, safe……OR happily incomplete, unfinished and never actually DONE?

Into my mind comes the picture of butterfly eggs, caviar, dandelion seeds….the burst of multiple millions of something in nature but only a few actually become fertilized.

The eggs that aren’t fertilized aren’t screaming for more time.

Maybe thoughts and to-do lists are like that, too.

So you just pick the ones you feel joy about getting born, and move into the activity of completing those (or not) and notice what is here, now.

Nothing more is required.  Nothing.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

 

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Telling The Truth To Others Changes Everything

The Year of Inquiry (YOI!) circle begins 3/7/2014 and our in-person live group (optional) retreat in Seattle is only two months away. If you are seriously considering joining this fabulous one-year small group of inquirers, email me soon for a conversation: grace@workwithgrace.com.

A participant shared this with the YOI group, and I feel the same way:“I’d like to say how much I’m enjoying being a part of this group. I thank you all very much for coming together and making it possible. I thank me, too, for this gift to myself.” ~ YOI Circle Participant

Being connected to others in groups and at a deeply intimate level has offered me shifts in my life that have changed…..everything.

But being in a group can be uncomfortable! It can be really freaky scary!It might be boring, stupid, full of annoying people, or depressing!

The first time I went to a twelve step meeting, thirty years ago, I was so shocked that people spoke the way they were speaking. I was quite literally stunned.

I had no idea you could say out loud what was going on inside your mind and heart.

I had no idea you could actually tell the truth.
But I caught the bug of awareness about my own mind by hearing others talk about theirs.
A few years later, I joined a therapy group.
That scared me half to death. I was silent for six months before the therapist actually said “your silence is actually very controlling”.
OMG! Really? But I don’t want anyone, ever, to see anything wrong with ME!
Oh. Right.
When I first encountered The Work of Byron Katie, I felt a memory stir of how I felt when I started that group therapy in my twenties.
I wanted to clam up.
Thanks! Got it! I’ll just go away and handle this BY MYSELF!
See ya! I’m good!
OK then!
Yep, yessirree I’ve done a LOT of personal work so I’ll take it from here!
I wanted to burn my Judge Your Neighbor worksheets. I might even look over my shoulder while I wrote them just to make sure no one was coming.
Once, I even watched myself skip right over one of my sentences written down, one of my stressful concepts, as I read them all out loud to an actual facilitator (that I could hardly believe I had hired).
I couldn’t read that one. Then the facilitator will really hate me.
Maybe some judgments are acceptable, but not that one.
I’ll just work on that one later, by myself in my closet with a flashlight.
The truth is, when you work with a group of people, and get to know them and show up regularly, you have no way to manipulate, direct, appease, lighten, or control what anyone does, says, thinks or feels when you tell the absolute truth.

We may see parts of you that you normally keep hidden. You may not be able to keep that ugly stuff to yourself anymore.

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.” ~ Pema Chodron
 

The thing is, you can only maneuver your life into being closed and careful for so long.At some point, for everyone, their interest in the truth and revealing themselves becomes more important than holding things together.

I find every time I join a collection of people with the intention to learn, grow, incorporate and understand….it’s thrilling. Our joining makes something wonderful happen.

But I’ve got a lot of practice now at self-disclosure. I know from experience that it works WAY better than puttin’ a lid on it.

I speak from careful testing.I would have LOVED to maintain a perfect image and never have to say the yucky stuff, the fears, the anger, the sadness.

But it was killing me not to.

Even if you’re super crazy shy, you know how great it feels to have one of those wonderful, close, connected, honest conversations.

Being with others in a deeply honest way may not only be good, it may change your entire life. Twelve step groups, support groups, one-on-one counseling, group therapy, retreats, prayer circles, study groups, people who do The Work of Byron Katie together.

We the people are somewhere you can reach us…whether on the phone, in your neighborhood, in your city.

You mean….I am going to reveal my stressful, weird, unpleasant, nasty, immature, pissy beliefs?

You mean I’m going to tell about my inadequacies, fears, and anger?

You mean I’m going to write what is inside my head? On paper (not in invisible ink)? And read what I write OUT LOUD?

Yes. You are. You know you want to!

You may feel sick for a little bit, but it rocks. The more I’ve done The Work….the easier its gotten to reveal my innermost crushing thoughts to other humans.

In fact, the cave is no longer dark and musty and smelly….the one filled with all those resistant beliefs.

It’s rather light and treasure-filled now.I see now that this comes from being totally and completely honest, noticing exactly where and what I wanted to hide, and uncovering it…all the way.

“Most people don’t get out of childhood, or adolescence, without being wounded for telling the truth. Someone says ‘you can’t say that’ or ‘you shouldn’t say that’ or ‘that wasn’t appropriate’ so most of us human beings have a very deep underlying conditioning that says that just to be who we are is not OK…….Most human beings have an imprinting that if they’re real, if they’re honest, somebody’s not gonna like it. And they won’t be able to control their environment if they tell the truth.” ~ Adyashanti

Letting go of control, you become very honest.That moment of speaking the truth without trying to get anything or expect anything or look a particular way…of just being you…what an amazing shift.You may notice a freedom beyond belief.

“If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74

If you’re ready to be with a group, supporting you through inquiry with honesty and integrity, then come on down to the One Year Program and join our telegroup, starting 3/7/2014.You will be welcome here…the real you.Love, Grace(This Grace Note went out originally in Sept 2013…it’s modified here since I’m gone celebrating my birthday.)

 

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Fear Loves You To Fight It

Dreams can be really disturbing. The ones you have at night, when you’re sleeping.

Random, chaotic, funny…..or horrifying.

The other night I woke up terrified because I was falling off a cliff. I’ve had this dream before. During a meditation retreat.

The body reacts as if the dream really happened. I woke up with my heart beating wildly, and adrenaline shooting through my veins.

Sometimes people say it’s hard to shake the nightmare when they have one, it may haunt them for awhile during their day.

Movies can bring on the same physical reactions. It’s like we’re on an emotional ride with the characters we’re watching.

We start sobbing when someone dies, or grit our teeth when someone does mean, bullying things.

Often when people have bad dreams, or see unsettling movies, they will they exclaim that they wish they could forget about it.

God, I wish I’d stop feeling so scared, quit picturing that awful scene. I wish I hadn’t ever seen that film! I wish I didn’t ever have that nightmare! What’s wrong with my mind, showing me such rotten, freaky scenarios! Jeez! 

We don’t want to bring up a bad memory, either.

I wish it would GO AWAY. I wish I would forget that ever happened!

The thing is, resisting the dream, being against it, pushing it away, believing that you need to forget about it ASAP….

…often brings on the opposite of what you’re seeking: more fear, anger, worry, dread.

When I used to compulsively eat, my fear was obvious. The eating was frantic, secretive, like a big scream. I ate fast, viciously and feverishly. Like I was starving to death.

Some people eat, or smoke, or drink, or engage in all the tons of other kinds of addictive behaviors like shopping or computer surfing out of a similar fear….dread, worry, nervousness, anxiety.

What if we took a look at that feeling of fear, and questioned our judgments of it, using The Work?

Is it true that the images you see should go away, that you should be calm, not anxious…that you should be relaxed instead of triggered?

Yes! Of course! Who wants to be haunted by a bad dream, or a scary movie?

Are you crazy?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true, without doubt…I mean do you really know that whatever has frightened you should vanish from your mind?

That you should forget it? Like it never happened?

No. Apparently there’s memory, visions, images, remembering over and over, revisiting, looking.

I have no idea if that shouldn’t occur.

Your answer may still be “yes” though. You may feel the dream should stop scaring you, should stop being there in your mind.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that whatever has frightened you should leave? That the fear itself should vanish, ASAP?

For me…I spent a lot of time running.

Quick! Distract yourself! Quick! Find the scary thing and kill it! Quick! Find comfort! Quick! Slam the door and lock it!

I shouldn’t have this feeling! I hate this feeling! I can’t stand this feeling!

But who would you be without the thought? Without the belief that fear, anxiety, nervousness or dread will destroy you and should be avoided?

Strange, right? Without the thought that Fear Is Bad?

I would be a little more open to it. I’d allow it to be as it is. It’s an energy. A wave. It comes and goes.

I’d notice I have no control over this thing called “fear”.

If I wasn’t against fear, I wouldn’t attack the things that produced it, like movies or bad dreams (or people).

I wouldn’t protect myself with such care, making sure I don’t ever feel fear or anxiety.

Without the thought that fear must be gotten rid of…must leave…?

I’d be so much more open, inviting more in, not running away. Standing on solid ground, rooted, willing, letting go.

Without the thought that feeling fear is a terrible thing, I’d take a huge deep breath, and then another.

I turn the thought around:  

This sensation, this image, this mental picture, this feeling….. should stay. This horrible scene in my mind is OK to allow to be there. This wretched memory doesn’t absolutely have to go. 

As odd as it may seem, when I allow everything to stay right here, including the terror of death-by-falling-off-a-cliff it begins to look lighter.

Letting that bad, terrible scene you really experienced be there, instead of fighting to get rid of it, you may finally find your sweet relief.

“This energy of fear loves a good fight. It’s an internal bully. It LOVES for you to try to get rid of it. To try to transcend it. To try to go beyond it. Fear loves it, it feeds on it. The more you try not to be afraid, the more afraid you get. The more you try not to be anxious, the more anxiety you feel….[Instead], grant permission for almost infinite space for fear and anxiety.” ~ Adyashanti

What I notice is, I can’t get rid of fear. Fear happens.

Nightmares or dreams, or vivid memories occur. They fill the mind’s eye.

But letting these pictures be there is honest.

I’m afraid.

When I don’t argue with reality, I feel afraid, and then I feel space, or I feel comfort, or I feel love.

I live through frightening things. I live through feelings of fear.

“In my experience, we don’t make thoughts appear, they just appear. One day, I noticed that their appearance just wasn’t personal. Noticing that really makes it simpler to inquire.” ~ Byron Katie 

Don’t be afraid of your fear, your pictures of fear, your fearful dreams, your fearful memories.

You are here despite them all.

All is well.

With love, Grace

 

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Who’s The Boring One?

Next Saturday: Mini retreat for anyone 1:30-5:30 pm 2/1 Goldilocks Cottage Seattle. Beginners and experienced all welcome to come do The Work…your work. Question your thinking, change your life. Supplies and snacks.

*******

This is boring. 

How many times in your life have you had that thought?

Sometimes it’s got a friendly feel to it, like when a good friend leans over to you at a school lecture and whispers it, and you both smile.

Sometimes it’s got a little more punch to it.

Like when you’re at work in a meeting and fifteen employees stand up to talk about their new department reports one after the other. Yawn.

Sometimes…it’s more like “this is soooooo freakin’ boring, I’m gonna rip my eyes out!” 

Heh heh.

Not that I myself would be so impatient.

But since I notice a little, uh, aggravation accompanying this aggressive thought, let’s do The Work.

First, when does that thought rise up most of all? When does it feel the strongest, the surge of frustration, the wave of irritation?

SOOOOOOOO BORING!!

Is there a person involved?

Because for me, there’s always another person involved.

Some people think it’s boring to be sitting somewhere all alone, waiting for their turn perhaps, waiting to board the train, waiting for the forms to get filled out.

But that’s never really that boring.

In that situation, I’m always staring at all the activity, the people, the room, the furniture with a sort of fascination. I don’t mind waiting.

No, for me….the Boredom Attack comes on when I think Someone Else is extra crazy boring.

  • How can he talk endlessly about how he wants a girlfriend, for so many years?
  • She always has the same problem….her mean neighbor and other rude people
  • Him and his drunkalogues and drinking escapades….so annoying
  • He never stops mentioning his need to lose weight
  • Oh here we go again with her about her husband and how boring HE is

In that moment, the voice inside my head is “bored” with the other person’s story.

So how do I react when I believe that they are telling a boring, repetitive story?

I think they should be quiet, give it a rest, stop complaining, DO something about their “problem” for once.

Is that true that they should do something, quit bellyaching about the same thing over and over again, move on?

I have no idea. It’s not absolutely true.

The way I react is inside, I’m rolling my eyes, I pull away, zone out, tune out, think about how to get outta here, away from their moving lips.

But I don’t say anything I’m thinking.

Wouldn’t want to be rude. Or mean.

Who would I be if I didn’t believe that they should do something, stop repeating their story, and put an end to telling me about it?

Wow.

Without the belief that they are a problem?

I’d listen. I mean….actually really listen, and then move on myself.

I might say “I’ve heard you speak about this before, several times. This is really important to you and it sounds like you have no idea how to sort this out. How can I help?” 

Right in the middle of their sentence I might say “I’m going now”and go to my next interest.

Without the thought, I hear them telling their story and don’t feel serious about it.

I don’t believe their story is absolutely true, even if they think it is.

I notice where I am drawn, what I find appealing and exciting and pleasurable….and I go that way, naturally.

I turn the thoughts around:

They should not quit yakking on and on about the same thing, I should. They are not a problem for me. They are expressing themselves the best they know how. They shouldn’t do something to fix their problem, I should do something to fix MY problem—with THEM. 

If I really lived this turnaround, opened to a new way of being instead of being so positive they are boring….

….I would realize how boring I am.

I say the same thing EVERY TIME about that person.

I behave the SAME way. I go foggy and start figuring out ways to exit the conversation the way I always do.

“The human condition is characterized by a compulsive and obsessive personal relationship to thought……You must become more interested in the Unknown than in that which is known. Otherwise you will remain enslaved by the very narrow and distorted perspective of conceptual thinking. You must go so deeply into the Unknown that you are no longer referencing thought to tell you who and what you are.” ~ Adyashanti 

In that moment when I think someone is boring, who is the boring one?

Because in reality, this is the most fascinating, creative, mysterious, bizarre world, along with everyone I encounter.

When that supposedly boring person is talking, I might simply move towards something else, walk away.

Or suddenly feel like going over to them and giving them a big bear hug.

With love,

Grace

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Addicted To Believing

One space left for Eating Peace starting tomorrow 9 am Pacific time. Hit reply if you want to join or have questions.

Yesterday, as I wrote more for the Eating Peace class curriculum (I’m trying not to go overboard) I remembered the concept that many teachers, including Byron Katie, mention about addiction and recovery.

It’s not the substance or the actual behavior that needs to change in order to feel peaceful.

Although….it WILL change and become more peaceful if you get to the bottom of it all.

But the core root of the “problem”, the actual addiction, the uncomfortable, distressing, out-of-control, compulsive experience that throws us off kilter, is our addiction to stressful thinking.

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process. And there’s no choice; you believe what you think, or you question it.” ~ Byron Katie 

Now, now.

Don’t start thinking that this means you have to question every single thought that ever entered your head that felt difficult or painful, or every thought that ever felt bad, or every imagined fear that could happen in the future.

I saw you going there! Come on back!

THAT is a thought in itself, that you can’t stop thinking (and you should) and you’ll constantly believe your thoughts, forever.

I’ll never stop thinking of uncomfortable or troubling possibilities in the future. I’ll never stop remembering sad or traumatic things that happened in the past. 

My mind is a maniac…I’ll never get away from…..THINKING!

HHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!! 

Is it true?

Well, have you ever noticed the gaps between thinking, or between difficult experiences? Have you ever noticed there’s slow times and fast times and times in-between?

Do you sometimes sleep? Can you look out the window for a sec? Do you take a deep breath?

Have you ever been thinking something, but not really BELIEVED it? Like some part of you really knows all is well, and you can relax?

Maybe it’s not absolutely true that you’ll never stop thinking fearfully, ruminating, repeating things, seeing the same things over and over in your mind.

It may be possible that you have stopped sometimes.

How do you react when you believe that you’ll NEVER stop thinking, you’ll always believe your thoughts?

Deep despair and discouragement. Longing. Not satisfied. Problem-solving.

Hunting down whatever can stop the thoughts, or appease them.

Sometimes, this means drinking, eating, smoking and doing whatever “works” for you to interrupt the pattern.

Seeking teachers, solutions, whatever you can find that help offer lighter thoughts, fun thoughts, loving thoughts.

And who would you be without the thought that you can’t stop thinking, and you can’t stop believing your thoughts?

Seriously. Who or what would you be?

Without the thought that you have to believe what you think?

Holy Moly!!

Can you imagine not believing everything you think?

So very, very exciting! Curious. Spacious. Free. Wild. Mysterious.

Just to enter the state of not automatically believing everything running through your brain is true. Not the images, the words, the pictures, the ideas, the visions of the future or past.

Not Knowing.

“You don’t have to destroy the character called ‘me’ to wake up from it. In fact, trying to destroy the character makes it very hard to wake up. Because what’s trying to destroy the character? The character. What’s judging the character? The character. So you leave the character alone. The character called you, just leave it alone.” ~ Adyashanti

Turn the thought around: I’ll always stop thinking of uncomfortable or troubling possibilities in the future. I’ll alwaysstop remembering sad or traumatic things that happened in the past. 

Oh. This is just as true. It’s truer.

I don’t have to believe what I think?

WOW.

Noticing this is enough.

And if those terrible, worrisome visions aren’t 100% true, if those bad feelings aren’t staying permanently…

…you may be able to wait, to rest, and see what happens.

Your craving may pass.

With love,

Grace

 

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Hiya Hiya! Crack The Whip!

There are 13 books piled on my bed next to me, some open, some closed with bookmarks, the laptop with a document for notes and then a word document for final curriculum both open, plus another pdf I’ve been reading from a different author.

I’ve been working for 3 hours without really moving. I see emails come in a scan them if they’re quick, and reply.

My daughter comes into the house and calls “Hi mom!” and I exit the bedroom, needing a stretch break. She brings in the mail…more items to take care of.

I’m thinking….quick quick quick. I’ll get back there in a few minutes and get somewhere, continue.

Oh, and dishes. And laundry and more Holds to pick up from the library that I NEED (these things I happen to need help with right now due to crutches situation) and some necessary groceries.

The ticker tape spins. Just a little too fast now.

You know that To-Do Voice that sees what needs to get done and then realizes with fury that it can not be done, will not get done. I may have to drop what I’m working on and get to the other thing.

Quick, you only have 1 hour 45 minutes until the next class!!

Hiya! Hiya!!!! (That’s supposed to be the sound of a rider with a whip trying to get his horse to go As Fast As Possible.)

Stop.

Is it true that there is too much, and it will never get done, and that I neeeeeeeeeeed to get it done, and that there’s not enough time, and, and, and….?

No.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

The feeling inside is frantic buzzing across the chest and in the throat. Not breathing deeply. Mad. Ignoring other interests. Sort of irritable with the phone ringing.

Stop.

Who would I be without the thought that something needs to happen here that hasn’t happened yet? That something needs to get done?

Without any thought of this at all. Like I’m visiting from another planet….and my space ship leave in 1 hour 45 minutes. I’m here to look around.

Nothing to Get Done.

Nothing to complete, wrap up, finish, push, force.

I turn the thoughts around: I do NOT need to keep going, or get this done. I have unlimited time.  

Almost unbelievable. But this is playing in duality, leaning over into the opposite of the way my mind is running.

Yes. I can drop whatever task it is that I am attached to. I can move with the flow. Relax.

“There’s no merit gained through wasted effort, through excess struggle. There are no merit points for the people who drove themselves the craziest along the way to self-realization. For most people it’s so obscure that it seems very intuitive to grasp and to struggle instead of relaxing, not grasping, letting something come to you, letting the truth of your being reveal itself to you on its terms, in its way, letting it happen…..It will happen. It’s always happening. It’s always trying to show itself.” ~ Adyashanti

Relaxing, not grasping, letting it come to me?

Letting the day, the pace of all this, this person here now, noticing a clock, and time, and tasks….letting it all be the way it is. Nothing required.

Taking a very deep breath. Hearing my daughter pick up the ukelele and sing.

“There’s a perfect order running. I’m a lover of what is. Who would I be without my story? Without my story, in this very moment, is where God and I are one. There’s no separation, no decision or fear in it. It just knows. And that’s who we are without our plans.” ~ Byron Katie

Love,  Grace

 

 

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Stop Pretending You’re In Bondage

A few days ago, I was studying the state of Anticipation.

(I can’t help but hear that word spoken in my mind like in Rocky Horror Picture Show….”an-tisssah—-pay-shun”).

The state of “now” in that present moment included deeply aching leg, very sore right achilles tendon, thigh muscles ticking independently in little spasms, an aching pelvis bone, my daughter lying on the floor on her stomach writing things in a notebook, the mailman’s little motorized truck making sounds out by the mailbox.

I had told my friends “it feels like a dagger is stuck in my right butt cheek all the way in, with only the handle in view.”

If I held really still, I couldn’t really feel anything. If I moved, just a wee bit, OOOWWWWW.

And then there’s the mind and all its ideas, visions, suggestions. Some are less stressful than others, to put it mildly.

But it occurred to me that this status of anticipating a major upcoming event is a very fascinating human condition.

You’re about to start a new job, get an operation (like me), start treatment for a disease, get divorced, go on a date, move to a new house, buy a refrigerator, run a workshop, have a baby, go on vacation, compete in the race.

The date is in the future. You really don’t know what it will be like. You’ve talked with other people. You have many questions, maybe you’ve gotten tons of questions answered.

You’ve read books. You’ve googled.  You’ve trained.

But there is nothing like actually doing it.

So weird, because there are many other things that happen that we do not know beforehand are going to happen. Unless we have one of those cool intuition thingies go on.

But whether or not you’re psychic, there are the things we KNOW are coming up at some future point, they’re on the calendar….and there are the things we do NOT know are coming, that are NOT on the calendar.

Back to anticipation.

Doing The Work when the mind is very chattery about the frightening upcoming event can make such a huge difference in the present, it’s astonishing.

In other words, I can sit here thinking about the operation, the drive to the hospital, gauze bandages, and lying on the couch at home without being able to move….

….and I can have an uncomfortable, nervous, depressed, or terrified, story about this upcoming situation….OR I can have an open, wondering, connected story about this upcoming situation.

Who would you be, in this moment now, without the thought that it could go wrong? That it could be hard? That you don’t know what will happen, or what it will really feel like?

Who would you be without the thought that it would be upsetting to lose the race, miss the airplane, not have enough money, not be able to control anything about the outcome?

Martin Seligman, famous in the field of psychology for studying learned helplessness and depression, began to study well-being in the 1960s.

Turns out, he created a manual (with the help of other wonderful researchers of human psychology) called Character Strengths and Virtues which is the opposite, or counterpart, to the DSM or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

One focuses on what can go right with human behavior and thinking. One focuses on what can go wrong with human behavior and thinking.

In the most simple, simple, simple way….turning any painful thought around to its opposite and imagining if it’s possible that this be true, is a sliver of what The Work is about.

I anticipate things will go badly, I’m scared, I’m nervous, what if “x”, what if “y”…and these are dreadful, horrifying, sickening, sad.

Turned around: I anticipate things will go wonderfully, I’m excited, I’m full of energy, what if “x”, what if “y”…and these are new, challenging, wild, wondrous, thrilling.

Does it matter whether you know or don’t know what will actually happen?

Who, or what, would you be if you knew that even death, endings, change, something being over, something beginning from the very start, losing, winning, acquiring, emptying, leaving…

…was all going to be absolutely, fundamentally OK?

“Starting right now, this moment, I am asking you to become the Buddha. I am asking you to take your stand, to stand absolutely firm in your intention to awaken to the Truth of your Self……..Stand up! You are the Buddha! You are freedom itself! Stop dreaming your dream! Stop pretending that you are in bondage—stop telling yourself that lie!” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace