In these strange times when a lot is happening in the world in extra intense ways, you may notice that thoughts you’ve had that feel stressful (or OK, terrifying) are even bigger and more pronounced.
I’ve been working with people all week doing The Work who report that some situation or relationship they previously had found insight on…..is BACK.
Kinda like those horror movies.
Ugh.
Arguing too much, feeling too much, eating too much, spending too much, worrying too much. Seeing images of a difficult or catastrophic or torturous future.
An excruciating belief can be this little ditty (a ditty is a little song, by the way…a little song or song snippet that keeps repeating in your head that you can’t stop hearing, can’t stop singing).
Maybe it feels like a full symphony orchestral piece. With strings, horns and percussion sections.
I won’t have enough.
To hold this belief, I notice I need to have experienced not-enough-ness, heard about other people not having enough, been terrified of Not Enough in the past.
I need to believe in this thing called Not Enough and that it means something terrible.
Like suffering, rejection, abandonment, pain, or death.
Who are we when we believe there isn’t enough, or won’t be later?
Freaking out. Worried. Planning incessantly. Busy. Sitting in our quiet little homes in silence, imagining a torturous future.
With your phone if not connected to internet dial +1 408 638 0968 US.)
I know things are intense for some of you, and you may even feel afraid of being afraid.
I have a friend of a friend who was fighting for his life with the virus in ICU in California. Fifties, great athletic condition, non-smoker. Now recovering.
A couple who owned a popular restaurant here where I live (near Seattle) both died of the virus last week. I didn’t know them, it’s in the local news.
I just received the written work of one of the amazing Year of Inquiry members.
(Year of Inquiry as you probably know is a group that gathers together for an entire year online to practice and deepen The Work in live zoom calls, writing on a forum, sharing a different topic each month, pairing up)….
…..but this YOI member….she’s got it.
The Virus.
Hospitalized, frightened.
And what did she do?
She noticed her fear. She noticed her mind going insane with anxiety and pain about what was happening. And then….she did The Work.
She sent her work in writing to me, she shared on our forum, people in the group were so moved.
Her thought?
“I’m going to die this week”.
A terrifying thought. The body fills with adrenaline. Images are rapid fire of dying, not being able to breath, seeing children living without a mother, a partner living without a mate, ventilators getting removed and a dead body left.
I personally don’t like imagining not being able to breath either. I can see the picture of it, being the one unable to take a breath. Terrified. Freaking out about what will happen next.
What is your worst fear about this virus, or really, about anything in life?
It seems like this virus thing is kicking up the muck, the greatest fears, on the bottom of our consciousness: I won’t survive. This is dangerous. I have to work hard to be safe. There’s no way out.
Don’t we all think this about life sometimes (or maybe…often)?
I won’t have/I don’t have enough: money, love, connection, time, safety, contact, attention, friends, purpose, clarity, freedom, support, life.
I notice when having this orientation of sheer terror or upset thinking about a threat….the reaction is MORE fear.
The mind says “Let’s shut this down! Don’t think about it! Think of something positive, quick! Run away! Play dead!”
Fight, Flight, or Freeze. Maybe a combo of all three. You may already know your usual defensive patterns.
You need to stop thinking about the terrifying events possible in the future. You need to fix your mind ASAP. You shouldn’t be having this experience, even of thinking.
Is it true?
Oh. Right.
The Work! I almost forgot. Heh heh.
Is it absolutely true, it shouldn’t be happening–even in the mind?
Is it true I shouldn’t notice and sit with my thoughts? Is it true I shouldn’t be having such desperate thoughts in the first place?
No. Not true.
I’ve had a ton of thoughts that never manifested, and horrifying thoughts and images, throughout my life…and I’m still here, sitting in a chair at the moment.
Oh, you too?
Nothing actually came true. Not even from movies I saw about a story that WAS true (and is no longer happening, and I can’t know it was true to be honest).
And believe me, I’m not saying it’s easy to notice this, or trying to diminish your sense of no safety. I’m not saying terrifying things didn’t happen that set you off. They did.
This is about the thinking and imagining that happens after the “horrible” event. The thing that labeled it as horrible, without question.
For example the movie Apocalypse Now which scared me half to death and then made me cry with the grief of it when I first saw it long ago.
Or Bambi. When I saw that movie when I was about seven it was the first time I realized mother’s can die. Seriously, it was awful.
But not true that seeing these movies was a bad idea. Or that recognizing fearful thoughts meant I shouldn’t have them.
I also notice my worst thinking was the subject of The Work, and sitting with it brought immense unexpected freedom. A brilliance I can’t describe.
Definitely not true I shouldn’t even think about the worst that could happen, let alone experience it.
What happens when I believe: “This threat shouldn’t be happening! This is unsafe! I’m dying! They’re dying! I won’t have enough!!!” And then on top of it, I should also NOT be thinking fearful thoughts?
Fear. Anxiety. Images. Horror. Worry. Sleeplessness. Hate. Anger at This Mind. Freaking Out.
I notice what I believe a fearful thought means. It means it’s true and it’s possible. It means something worse, something more terrible will happen in “real” life. You know, later on, in the future. That “real” place. (Ahem).
Feeling fear means agonizing suffering, for me and/or for other people. It means non-enlightenment, wrong-ness, abandonment. It means the universe and reality is very, very unfriendly. God does NOT have my back or anyone’s back.
Yikes.
It really is a horror show and crushingly terrifying.
So. Deep breath.
Who would I be without the belief “I don’t have enough, I won’t have enough, this is totally dangerous?! AND I shouldn’t be thinking this in the first place!”?
Wow. Holy Moly.
Just the willingness to pause for a second and set that thought down that there is no way out and it’s a devastating horror show?
Yes. Pausing. Letting the thought be here.
Something expands. Something is underneath all that fear, dread, disgust, terror. Something surrounds it.
Like it is there, the horror, but it’s inside something greater. The boundaries aren’t so harsh and hard.
Thinking is happening.
Something other than thinking is also happening.
Noticing there’s air in the room right now, and I’m not having trouble breathing in any way whatsoever in the moment.
Now, noticing wind chimes and the sun beckoning to come outside.
Without the belief that thinking a fearful thought is bad, and so not having enough later on in the imagined future is bad, and feeling fear is bad….
….I notice a little dance of humor.
Maybe for you this is going a little too far. Humor?
What? Seriously?
Maybe it’s heartbreak you notice.
What Is doesn’t seem like your preference.
You’re not in favor of the thought….but it’s OK for it to be here. Because it is here.
Something feels lighter without the belief I need to be against fear, and jump into defense mode, reaction mode, terror mode.
I’m willing.
I’m willing to sit here for a moment without the belief I have to get rid of my thinking.
I’m willing to sit here.
I’m willing to apply the four questions, but not with a motive. Not with a plan that it will get rid of my thinking….although it might.
I just notice self-inquiry is the only thing I really can do that offers true peace without force or control.
Turning It Around:
I will have/I do have enough: money, love, connection, time, safety, contact, attention, friends, purpose, clarity, freedom, support, life.
It’s enough. I’m surviving. I’ve always survived so far. I’m alive. I can relax.
It’s OK that I am thinking a dreadful thought. It’s just a thought, after all.
Can I notice how safe I am, even while I think of the future in terrifying ways? I’m breathing. I’m surviving. My mind is active and interesting. I’ve got the four questions. I’m willing.
I am willing to think terrible thoughts. I am willing to be afraid. I am willing to notice.
I look forward to thinking terrible thoughts. I look forward to being afraid. I look forward to noticing.
Being human. Nothing more, nothing less.
“Every time you try to change someone, you’re trying to change someone who doesn’t exist. They only exist in your own head. People can only be who you believe them to be, never more.” ~ Byron Katie
This includes ourselves.
Finally, this amazing inquirer shared her inquiry a few weeks ago. She didn’t get “enough” of something….and notice how she discovered what was really true for her.
You can also listen to this episode on itunes and most audio apps or download it here.
These sessions are offered as open no-charge sessions for people wanting to do The Work in exchange for public sharing. While all the sessions filled immediately when I first opened them up to scheduling, some people have needed to switch their time. Take a look here if you’d like to do The Work and be a part of the peace movement for others to benefit. Thank you.
First of all, I’m sending thoughts of rest and connection and peace. I really do hope you’re faring well enough in these strange times.
The Work is a way through grinding, repetitive, terrifying thinking patterns. That’s what I found and still regularly find. I’m constantly surprised at the new discoveries working with others, listening, being with my own mind.
First Friday, always free to anyone, is next week on Friday, April 3rd. Mark your calendar for 7:45am Pacific Time. We use zoom, and you can turn off your camera and sound if you wish.
(I should have bought zoom stock when I first thought of it…and apparently that is not true because I didn’t).
Second, thank you to everyone who’s written about whether or not there will be an ONLINE version of the Spring Retreat this year.
YES!! May 14-17, 2020.
In fact, careful consideration is underway to make a pretty cool event.
Here’s how it will work (more details to come):
There will be six segments total, each 3.5 hours long. You can come to one, or all of them. It doesn’t matter what your time zone, if you can make it…you can attend.
It will also be recorded, for those who want to join but not attend everything “live”.
Segment One Thursday, May 14th: 9am-12:30pm PT/ Noon-3:30pm ET/ 6pm-9:30pm Europe
Segment Two Thursday, May 14th: 2pm-5:30pm PT/ 5pm-8:30pm ET/ Sidney AUST 7am-10:30am on May 15th
Segment Three Friday, May 15th: 9am-12:30pm PT/ Noon-3:30pm ET/ 6pm-9:30pm Europe
Segment Four Friday, May 15th: 2pm-5:30pm PT/ 5pm-8:30pm ET/ Sidney AUST 7am-10:30am on May 16th
Segment Five Saturday, May 16th: 2pm-5:30pm PT/ 5pm-8:30pm ET/ Sidney AUST 7am-10:30am on May 17th
Segment Six Sunday, May 17th: 9am-12:30pm PT/ Noon-3:30pm ET/ 6pm-9:30pm Europe
Topics for each Segment will be shared soon on the retreat page. Head here to learn more or register.
This is going to be a wonderful new experiment and I can’t wait.
Everyone will get to pair up with others in zoom rooms, do some wonderful active exercises with The Work, and connect with people from all over.
I like to think of Spring Retreat as spring cleaning. A mental cleanse to make everything fresh and sparkling, a feeling of being cleaned out.
This spring it’s looking like this is the way of a bit of cleaning like no other. Even my daughter was in her college apartment “social distancing” going through her clothing to take half to Goodwill. Later of course.
Speaking of the peace of doing The Work; a new Peace Talk podcast is released.
It’s my privilege to welcome Edie Thomajan, Facilitator of The Work, who’s been practicing this self-inquiry and sharing it with others for many years.
Our bodies feel it. The nervous system is activated.
Some of us think: “I need to stop thinking” or “I need to avoid the news” or “they should stop thinking” or maybe “they should be thinking MORE about this, just like I am”.
But this is just another set of thoughts from the mind’s Thought and Feeling Management Department.
I love that we get to notice feelings, and actually respect and honor them.
I used to hate them.
If I started to feel in a big way upset, angry, afraid, terrified, worried….I’d basically immediately begin to think about ways to divert these feelings, or shut them down, or find the “true” answer out there so I could rest assured all was well and I was safe.
Other people don’t like big feelings, right? We need to suppress them. They are terrible, we think.
How do we react when we believe “SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS HAPPENING!!!?”
We may be used to believing this, even about our very feelings and emotions, from very young.
A few different strategies the mind will come up with (at least I always did) for handling any Terrible Thing:
A) Let’s try not to think about it. Distract. Focus on peace. Do your mantra. Get upset with people who are talking and posting about the virus. Eat. Drink. Smoke. Clean. Avoid.
B) Worry about what you will FEEL if/when that image you’ve read about or seen (or remembered) happens….most of all death. Or perhaps, suffering. Pain. Not breathing.
Example 1: if someone in my family dies, it’ll probably be me, and my kids will suffer for the rest of their lives. Example 2: if someone in my close circle dies like my mom or my husband or my child, I will suffer for the rest of my life.
Example 3: anything else I’ve heard about suffering, pain, death and dying and imagining it or remembering it.
C) Plan or prepare what you will DO if/when that threatening thing happens.
Example 1: Buy lots of stuff right now.
Example 2: Plan what you’ll do today, or this week, that helps manage the anxiety (See A above)
What I’m really struck by today is noticing the endless habit the mind has to figure it out, make a good plan, be ready, KNOW.
It’s not like I haven’t had the thought before;“something terrible is happening”.
Loss, worry, emptiness, death, attack, absence of what was hoped for, failure….all of this has occurred in my perceptions of What Is over and over again.
These are the topics of my worksheets. These are the experiences I’ve brought to The Work.
So who am I without the belief “Something TERRIBLE is happening?!”
A brilliant moment to notice this profound work is not about denial or pretending something is NOT happening that actually is happening (although in my quiet little cottage I haven’t seen any virus yet, just saying).
Who or what are we without this story?
Last week a wonderful inquirer in the Year of Inquiry group shared a fabulous question in our monthly discussion about The Work and questions or concerns or thoughts about doing The Work:
What if we do The Work and we’re just whistling in the dark?
But as we all shared and contemplated our experiences in questioning our stress, we noticed doing The Work is about accessing reality in a clearer way, aware there’s a pandemic and being with What Is without panic or rage.
We don’t even wish our fear would subside. There’s value in this energy called “fear”. Or perhaps we could call it alertness, awareness.
I notice “fear” changes.
Who am I without my belief “something terrible happened”or “something terrible is happening right now” or “something terrible will happen later”?
Having an honest conversation with Reality.
Without the thought, I’m not against other people and what THEY are doing, I’m enjoying my own mind and my own company, I’m amazed by the beauty of the rug on the floor.
Seriously.
Without the thought I feel a sense of falling but it’s like flying. So beautiful, and fun. Loving All This. Resting somehow, noticing the peace right here now. Following the simple directions, without panic.
Without the belief, I have a broader, wider, kinder, unconditional perspective. My conversation with reality is one of trust, like with a good mentor I adore and respect.
Turning the thought around: Something Wonderful Is Happening.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
As someone said in this morning’s Year of Inquiry group call: I’m sitting with awareness of my own death, how I’m here temporarily. Feeling the closeness of others who have died (the inquirer spoke of her own son).
Other examples of the belief that something wonderful is happening, (never meaning to be harsh, this is only about noticing):
a) people are at work studying viruses and immunizations
b) nature is clearing things out, pressing the control-alt-delete button (which has great advantages)
c) I get to study the human experience of death, my own mortality, and feel it without fear–which is incredibly empowering
d) the drawers and closets and outdoor shed beckon for spring cleaning–it’s uncanny how many people are suddenly aware of their “stuff” and interested in sorting through it
e) I get to see all my usual clients at their usual times instead of being on silent retreat for 10 days as I had originally scheduled at this time–on zoom of course
The most powerful turnaround is: something terrible is happening in my mind.
My thoughts fill with images of the devastating future, a sick world, torn apart families, inability to breath, fear, ruin, failure, comparison, greed.
The mind forgets to notice what’s outside my window, the whirr of the heater still pouring out heat on a windy spring chilly afternoon, the sound of birds chirping, the wonder of what is right now, today.
This moment, how would God or All of Reality look at whatever we think of as Terrible?
“As we question a stressful thought, we see for ourselves that it’s untrue; we get to look at the cause and effect of it, to observe in sobering detail exactly what modes of pain and confusion result from believing it; then we get a glimpse into the empty mirror, the world beyond our story of the world, and see what our life would be like without the thought; and finally we get to experience the opposite of what we have so firmly believed and to find specific examples of how these opposites are true. Once we deeply question a thought, it loses its power to make us suffer, and eventually it ceases even to arise.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names for Joy
This whole virus mayhem is pretty intense. Around here, a friend of mine was referring to it as the zombie apocalypse.
Which totally cracks me up.
But this doesn’t mean I’m not in here with you, aware of the actual reality unfolding around us, watching with deep interest.
As someone in Year of Inquiry said last week….“shit’s gettin’ real”.
So for Facebook Live Mondays (usually at 2:30pm PT) on my regular Work With Grace page I walked through a belief that came up in Year of Inquiry group:
“Death is coming”.
Just a little light music for your inquiry listening pleasure.
LOL.
Is it true the D word is coming?
Yes it is.
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
Not in the way I’m believing and thinking “death” is, when I say “death is coming”. I feel foreboding, sadness, grief, anxiety…but can I know it’s true that “death” means what I think it means…and that what I think it means is coming?
No.
So what happens when I think “death is coming” and I’m listening to news about The Virus?
I really, really start to wonder what it’s like for people with this virus. Like, are they ALL insanely sick? Would I be a good candidate for death? Is my immune system good, and what about my family? What about the neighbors?
Will I be bored, with all this Not Leaving The House stuff?
Did I leave the house all that much already?
Will I be going to France in June to teach retreat, or maybe not after all?
And what about May Retreat in Seattle? That one already seems like it’s a no brainer as in Not Gonna Happen.
Although, someone asked for it online and that idea sounds fun and very possible. (More on this below).
What happens when I believe the thought that things are going to END? FOREVER?! (Isn’t that what death is)?
Images of what it might feel like to die, to suffer, to have a fever, to not be able to breath, to run out of food, to use grass from the front yard for toilet paper.
So who would you be without the thought “death is coming”?
What if it was more like using the tone you’d use when an old friend is coming by who you haven’t seen in years….
….Wow! Death is coming! OMG this is so exciting!
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Question four is simply who I’d be without the belief that it’s coming?
Hmmm.
Silence.
Unknown.
In that blank moment, I look out the window on this sunny spring afternoon in between clients and groups I run on zoom, and the facebook LIVE a few hours ago, and wonder what that actually means at all, to say “death is coming”?
Families walk by with kids on scooters. A group of teenagers, everyone laughing, speed past on skateboards. Bikers pass. A crow lands in the cherry tree. Four adults with dogs on leashes, meander by, talking loudly with smiles. Wind chimes wave in the breeze.
Back here now, without the thought. Aware of this temporary life, this temporary moment, unique, passing through, already changed.
Quiet, spacious. Jet plane sound (someone’s still flying apparently).
Not in denial, aware, and seeing all of this. All This. Like a sweeping hand in a moment of gesturing at everything in every direction.
All This.
Beautiful for a moment. So beautiful. So very quiet without thought.
Turning it around: My thinking is coming….especially about death.
It’s actually already here, I notice.
All the news and circumstances and imaginings of the future, and images in my head of photos I’ve seen at the top of articles about The Virus.
Breathing tubes and hazmat suits and weird round purple balls with pointy dots sticking out of them floating amongst pictures of cells.
Plus about 50 thousand emails from every list I’ve ever been on about their policies about the virus.
Turned around again: Life is coming. Death is NOT coming.
Could be that is just as true or true, or just as frightening (or more frightening). Chuckle.
What is death anyway, and why am I ever afraid of it coming? What is death? Nothingness? Unknown? Darkness? Forever gone? Infinity? Over? Done?
Could this be a most amazing adventure?
Nothing is coming. Mystery is coming. Emptiness is coming. Unknown is coming. Space is coming. Silence is coming. Forever is coming.
All of this not even coming….but already here. Unknown. Wild. Strange. Unusual. Mysterious. Wonderful. Brilliant. Dark. Light. Over.
One more day, never to happen ever again. Life ever morphing and evolving into something different.
If I were not against death, not against a virus, not against anyone and how they are, not against anything, not against What Is….who or what am I?
All I know is, that question makes me smile wide. And take a deep breath.
P.S. Spring Retreat online May 14-17, 2020 Pacific Time zone. Come for one half day or the whole thing. This is gonna be fun. Thursday 5/14 and Friday 5/15 9am – 6pm with meal break midday, Saturday afternoon 2:00-6:00pm (optional morning dancing–we will see if online or in-person), Sunday 9am-11:45am. How to sign up? Stay tuned.
My right thumb was hurt (you get to see in this video–just the bandaids, don’t worry).
I just can barely type.
But I made you a video on a powerful topic, called WORRYING.
The mind will say “you need to worry about this!” (food, eating, meals, plans, body image, weight, size, shape, feelings, conditions….and much much more).
You might think “Well, duh. Of course I have to worry. Are you kidding me?”
A beautiful group of inquirers came to First Friday Open Inquiry sessions last Friday morning 7:45am Pacific Time.
After filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, we got to sit in two different inquiries of the brave people who shared their internal world with us:
First, a moment in childhood where a woman remembers herself at nine years old when her mother displays disgust at her daughter’s rounder body in a bathing suit.
The thought we all sat with: I have to be skinny to be accepted. (I have to be x to be accepted).
The second situation we heard was also a scene with mother and daughter. Mother is crying and sad, daughter was about eight years old….and her belief “My mother is upset and it means that I’m bad”.
How wonderful to notice how anxious we can be (as children, as adults too) if someone we care about is upset. Is it our fault? We notice how we believe it.
I love all the inquirers who come to sit in The Work on First Fridays. There’s a slowing down, a meditative attitude adopted, a quietness.
Some might call it very slow, perhaps too slow….but not if we’re honestly engaged in self-inquiry.
If you’ve had any of these stressful thoughts mentioned at all, or for any reason you’d like to follow along with the session–which can be so very helpful for reflection–then please enjoy the recording.
It was a beautiful mother-child theme for the day.
Who would you be without the story that you need that other person (mother in this case, or yourself) to be different in order to be happy?
If you want to pass the word along to a friend that these First Friday fabulous meetings occur, then send them the link here so they can get the zoom link to join in their Inbox and get on the mailing list:
P.S. Spring Cleaning Retreat in May is remaining on the schedule even though Seattle has a Covid-19 Virus scare running through it. We’ll meet at my cottage, if we’re all still alive (little joke). Learn more here. I’ll be sure to keep you completely updated if there’s a need to cancel. So far, so good. Can’t wait to do The Work with you.
One of the newer things we’re doing on Peace Talk podcast is Sessions in The Work. These are solo sessions where someone walks through their dilemma on a topic with me and takes one concept through the inquiry process.
My next guest brings a very common dilemma to awareness; the great question of whether I should stay or I should go in a primary love relationship?
You may find it very familiar, and the story-telling and analysis we do around this dilemma, and the stress of the belief “I made a mistake by marrying this person”.
The thoughts about relationship and communicating and being with someone else (or not being with someone else) carry on like an old record playing in an abandoned city.
Maybe something very dramatic like Chernobyl.
Thoughts like:
he abandoned me
if only…
I wonder where so-and-so is now (accompanied by googling or facebooking the name)
she has a better life financially because of who she’s partnered with
we aren’t compatible
I work with people all the time on relationship dilemmas and they have all these thoughts, and more.
Just in the past couple of weeks I’ve heard the following thoughts:
being partnered is sooooo much better than being single–and since I’m single I’m sad
it’s important to find someone to take care of you or to have fun with who lives with you all the time
finances are much easier when you’re married
I’m doomed to live a life of boredom and lovelessness in my current relationship
I’ve lost the love of my life
my life is over since I’m divorced
Tremendous agony is felt with all this thinking and imagining about love. Love lost, love found, love desired, love unwanted.
But is the story we’re telling actually true?
Can we absolutely know it’s true?
What happens when you think that same old thought about relationship?
For example.
I have a thing about spaces looking neat and tidy and fairly empty-ish.
This past weekend, with the help of my mom and a hired worker, there was a lot of clean-up happening in my back yard where there’s been a small building project: a studio apartment for my mother’s future home.
During the weekend, my mind erupted in a little memory of a house project two summers ago with my husband: cleaning out the shed, which also sits in the back yard.
Those two summers ago, I had put on the weekend calendar in August “Clean Out Shed” and told our young adult kids about it. It was scheduled.
Boxes and boxes and old tools and filing cabinets and bicycles and equipment and camping items all get stored in this shed in the back yard. Many boxes were unlabeled and only 1/3 full of stuff, like old papers or my husband’s stamp collection.
No one joined me that long ago August weekend. I rearranged the boxes basically, and got some stuff removed to the dump or donation.
Now, with current painting and upkeep needed for this same shed, I circled back to the desire to get it cleaned out and organized.
Yesterday, I asked my husband if we could plan that again for this upcoming summer….five or six months away.
He wasn’t ready to make the plan. I suddenly had pictures appear in my head of tubs and boxes and disappointment from the previous attempt.
It’s happening again! GASP!
The shed will never, ever, ever get cleaned out! It will always be hard to get the bicycles out! This will never be fixed in life!
Now….this is a tiny minor thing in the big scheme of relationship conversations. And it still felt like literally a momentary internal seizure, an eruption, a punch of frustration.
I demand this gets done!!
My husband said I eye-rolled him.
Oh. Sigh.
Shoot.
The jolt of believing a stressful thought, and then aware I need to inquire.
With inquiry, I pause the forward motion of the dreadful story. I notice the picture in my mind is of the past, not the future.
Image of the past drops.
I apologize. He was right.
Real conversation about expectations happen.
Who would I be without my story?
A normal, calm, kind person making a suggestion and a request and waiting for the response.
I heard that he thought “clean out the shed” meant he was supposed to throw everything he owned in the shed away.
My words have been confusing the whole time. I didn’t mean “clean out”…I meant “organize”.
The image of the future became completely and entirely different: having fun removing boxes, spreading them out on the lawn and deck. Seeing what’s inside. Deciding with delight to save it, or to give it away, or to throw it away.
Noticing the joy of sorting through stuff, that it takes as long as it takes.
Noticing the fun of making a plan for a future month when the weather is better, and that’s OK.
Noticing right now is peaceful, and images of the future are all made up–whether positive images or negative images–and I have no idea really what will happen.
All is well.
Feeling right now the present moment, with unfinished and finished all here when it comes to tasks, and nothing actually required at the moment.
Could this be also true about any decisions about the future that are more drastic or dramatic when it comes to being connected with a partner?
TurnAround: My thinking needs to be cleaned out and organized right now, we do not need to make a full plan to clean out and organize the shed (or the whole relationship) right now, today is OK just the way it is. I did not make a mistake. I made a correction. My thinking made a mistake.
Listen HERE to Peace Talk Podcast Episode 156 to explore the a key belief about relationship investigation “I made a mistake in marrying this person”.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Spring Cleaning Retreat in May is for any thinking that feels, well, dirty. Cluttered, messy, sloppy. We will have an amazing time un-cluttering, tidying up, relaxing, understanding, clarifying. Learn more here. (Check out the new not-quite-fully-released website of all things Work With Grace and Eating Peace while you’re at it)!
I’m already looking forward to the next in-person event to gather with others to question our stressful thinking (there are 3 coming up: one in May and two in June):
May 13-17, 2020 Spring Cleaning Retreat, Lake Forest Park WA near or in my own little cottage in northeast Seattle
June 26-July 1st, 2020 Eating Peace Retreat in France near Lyons: Margot Diskin Retreat Manager. Write to margotdiskin@gmail.com to book your spot.
Spring Cleaning retreat is only 12 weeks away. The blossoms will be bursting, the air will smell of sweetness and the sunlight will be cutting through rainclouds and showers.
Well, OK. Maybe there will be sun. This is Seattle, Washington. There will be lots of colors, green and fresh.
Coming to retreat is a powerful time of immersion in self-inquiry. We start at the very beginning. (I hear Maria in the Sound of Music singing her song “let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start….”)
Whether you’re experienced or brand new to The Work of Byron Katie and self-inquiry in any form….all are welcome here.
Our mission?
Spring Cleaning. The mental kind.
There is nothing so wonderful as a clear, calm, spacious patterns of thinking–especially about “problems” or dilemmas in your life.
Instead of chewing on these potent situations, obsessing over them, worrying about them, ruminating, perseverating, feeling despair or upset, wondering what will happen, trying to over-plan…..
…..we can clear the path through worry and find our own inner answers. No “right” or “wrong”.
This work is highly experiential, meaning the way we learn it is by doing it.
Sure, we can watch it done on youtube videos, we can watch someone else inquiring with a facilitator, we can read Loving What Is or I Need Your Love–Is That True? by Byron Katie.
We can even wonder about the four questions and try to answer them while we’re driving our car or sitting on the bus going to work thinking about it, LOL.
When on retreat, however, or sitting with someone else virtually or in person….we get to actually walk through The Work.
I have no idea why this often appears so difficult to set aside dedicated time to immerse ourselves in this brilliant self-inquiry–me included.
The mind wants to argue.
Can’t I just read the right book or meet the right teacher, and get “fixed” or “enlightened”?
Sigh.
I love how Byron Katie herself says it’s called The Work because, well, it’s “work”.
Too bad there isn’t a short cut, right?
But at this point in practicing The Work, I’m in love with it and the insights offered. The Work is the shortest short-cut or the nearest thing to a short-cut to peace you will ever find.
It is the only thing that has brought deep peace to my aggravated mind. No smoking, alcohol, binge-eating, TV watching, spending, signing up for trainings, doing, achieving or succeeding ever brought any abiding peace.
So let’s cleanse this thing together! (Pointing to head with forefinger). What do you want or need to work on in your life? What could use a little clean-up?
Join me on retreat in May. Can’t wait.
“Life is good. Life is flawless. Life is the push. It’s a school that allows us to play in the apparent physical. And when our mind can match the physical, and love what is, there’s no separation between mind and world. It’s like realizing over and over and over our true nature. It never moves….Anything that you see as out of order, no matter how cruel; do The Work with it. It’s never too much for us. Ever. ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Spring Cleaning of the Mind. Holy Smokes what a relief, a joy, a rest. We do have fun. Read more HERE.
First Friday of the Month (free for anyone on zoom) has been running for about five years. I love the group and the variety of people who appear. Everyone is welcome, any time. We record it and I share it with Grace Notes and Eating Peace readers. There is no fee. You can listen, or participate, as you wish.
This month of February we did some brilliant work on relationship conflict. First Friday from February 7th listen here.
Because I love the First Friday groups so much, I’m inspired to offer something valuable for people one-on-one that also has no charge but instead, another service that can help other people.
Here’s the brilliant idea (and it won’t be for everyone):
You come do The Work in a solo session on anything you find stressful in your life, and in exchange for no fees and no requirements of any kind (except coming with your open mind ready for self-inquiry) your session is recorded for Peace Talk podcast.
It’s OK to leave your name out, and to not use other peoples’ names either.
I know not everyone is willing to be recorded for public sharing….but for those who are willing and able, your work, shared, is service. You can choose audio-only or zoom conference call.
Currently the time slot set for this free session in The Work is Fridays at noon Pacific Time. If you feel enthusiastic about this and want to do this work and you can’t meet Fridays, hit reply and we’ll find another hour that works better. I hope to offer one every week.
Sometimes, the inquiry appearing before me through clients in solo sessions and the groups I facilitate have themes-of-the-week, and they are all for me.
Well, only all of the time.
But there has been a theme recently. A sense of failure, terror, lack of safety. People felt very triggered and lost about an incident or situation in their lives. Deep regret, or a crushing sense of despair rose up–many times, one session after another.
People with many different stories. But with the very same thoughts. Brutal ones. (For my facebook live inquiry on “that person betrayed me” visit Work With Grace facebook here).
Someone’s friend died within two months from first learning about cancer to death, someone else had to give up a huge travel dream because of a husband’s Parkinson’s disease, someone else discovered a business partner was embezzling money, someone else lost a job.
I myself learned a very close loved one had an untold secret.
Shock. Surprise. Devastation.
What happens when you discover a terminal diagnosis, get sacked, find out someone stole money from you, learn something that shocks you?
A huge NO rises up. Panic.
I got to sit in inquiry with these amazing, courageous people and listen, be there with them, follow the simple directions of asking and answering four questions.
First of all, is that story true?
Entirely, absolutely true?
When we believe the terrible story, what happens?
In one of our Eating Peace inquiry sessions, we worked the belief “I can’t bear it.”
This can be about an emotion, that horrible situation we’ve encountered, but also a craving, this body weight, the belief we need to diet or work harder.
When we’re shocked, or even mildly worried, we suffer.
Sleepless, our thoughts buzz all night.
In the situation where I learned of a troubling secret….I felt adrenaline run through me and later, tears.
In a Year of Inquiry a brilliant thought again arose “all the work I’ve done is for nothing!”
Wow. More discouragement. I could find it.
So who would we be without this terrible, shocking story?
Just for a moment, we pause the belief and look, feel, ponder, sit still.
As I imagine that person with the secret revealed, without my story of a future or a past or the I-KNOW mind….
….I gaze with a sort of open wonder. Looking, puzzling.
Fascinated.
Noticing my own so called “shock” relax. Noticing an inner self or identity dissolve.
The identity that says “it should be different, NOT like this, for me to be happy.”
Is that really true?
No.
World does what it does. People do what they do, the best they can in that moment. Here in the center of this being is silence, space, patience, curiosity.
Curiosity always feels better than “NO!”
“The mind is prior to whatever it perceives. It is pure and lucid and completely open to everything: the apparent ugly just as much as the apparently beautiful, rejection as much as acceptance, disaster as much as success. It knows it’s always safe. It experiences life as an uninterrupted flow. It doesn’t land anywhere, because it doesn’t need to; besides, it sees that landing somewhere would be a limitation. It notices each thought it thinks, but it doesn’t believe any of them. It realizes that there is never any solid ground to stand on. What flows out of its realization is freedom. ‘No place to stand’ is where it stands; there’s where its delight is. When inquiry is alive inside you, every thought you think ends with a question mark, not a period. And that is the end of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie
Could it be that this experience is FOR me, not happening TO me, like a victim?
Could I be perfectly safe, despite not knowing what’s next, or where this is all going, or how things will unfold?
What’s the reality?
I don’t know. Not really.
What if not knowing is safer than knowing?
Wow. I notice the feeling is lighter. The dread disappears. The need for plans dissolves. The resignation diminishes.
The moment is spacious, empty, mysterious.
Turning the terrible horror story, unbearable story, secret story, betrayal story, all-for-nothing story, hurt story around:
My thinking is horrible.
This situation is NOT horrible.
This situation is OK, the way of it, even serves me.
I find examples, whatever I can genuinely find. I don’t guess or make it more positive than I believe it really is, I notice the truth.
I’m breathing, I’ve survived, the sun rose this morning, I slept a few hours, I reached out to friends, inquiry was available to me over and over again and bubbled and popped in the background, I detached, I let an expectation go, I trust.
Are you OK? Have you noticed how you could bear it? How you made it through?
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you’d love to sit in inquiry for four days in May, I’m having retreat at my home in Seattle May 13-17, 2020. Come gather with me for Spring Cleaning of the Mind. A relief, a joy, a rest. Read more HERE. Limited to 12.
