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Simply Be, Be Simple (Video)

I’m deep into a conference with hundreds of people in Arizona, and seem to be occupied from early morning until late at night.

At least, up until now.

Now, I am remembering coming home to me, writing, resting, riding out on the bike all morning in the most gorgeous canyon, writing again.

I noticed an over-doing, an overwhelmed, done, spilling over the brim, too much feeling happening yesterday. Food didn’t sit well with my stomach last night.

You may have this feeling sometimes…”I can’t take it anymore! I need to get away! I don’t belong! I need peace and quiet!”

However you say it to yourself, if something pushes over the top for you….

….TOO MUCH….

….then stop.

Wait. Listen.

No more thinking. No more believing what you’re thinking.

Don’t fight the mind, just let it prattle away, with words and pictures and images and ideas floating through.

But remember who you are without believing them.

It applies to us all, in any moment (not just when you’ve over-indulged). It’s for any moment when you find your mind firing at 150 kilometers per hour (or miles). When you feel “off”. When you have dread, uncertainty, separation.

Allowing it to be there, just stop. Be still. Rest.

Here’s a video that a friend sent me just this morning. It came at the perfect time. I needed to get still. Perfect for Being Simple.

Simply Be, Be Simple.

Click Here for A Few Minutes To Be Light And Free (from Mooji).  

Much love,

Grace

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Changing Your Mind Is Loving

Have you ever wanted to change your mind about something, and felt anxious?

You buy a brand new sweater, maybe its expensive for you.

You take it home….but then, rats.

I’m not sure I love this as much as I thought. Now that I have it here at home, it doesn’t look as great as I thought in the store. 

You think “maybe I’ll take it back”.

Later on, when you look at it again, you decide yes, you are taking it back, and you rummage through the garbage can for the receipt.

This is such a hassle, I wish I hadn’t bought the sweater in the first place…I KNEW I didn’t love it 100%. Now I have to go all the way back to that store downtown and fight with parking.

Or maybe you’re invited to a big party. When you first got the invitation, it sounded really exciting. You sent an RSVP of “YES! I’ll be there with a +1 GUEST!”

The day of the event comes and you’re heavy into doing a major closet-cleaning project, you feel so good about finally doing it and you’re on a roll…and you start thinking “maybe I won’t go after all, I could really use this time to finish this project!”

But you’re worried you’re going to miss an epic gathering, miss seeing some great people, disappoint the host.

You go anyway, and as you walk in you realize your favorite people aren’t there, it’s boring, and your house project seems so much more appealing.

You got it. You know what you want to do.

Not this.

A good friend of mine told me once when she was dating mid-life after twenty years of marriage, at first she was crazy nervous.

After getting over the jitters of “will the person like me?” she discovered….what about if I’m not feeling it, and I have no further interest in them?

Could she actually say to this new person….

….thanks for meeting, and I’m now done….

….even if it was only 15 minutes into the date?

It would be so rude to change her mind!!

Right?

Always some level of hassle about the change. You’re saying you don’t want it, when before you said you did.

Rude.

Are you sure, though?

Where did that “don’t be rude” rule come from anyway?

Why is it considered “rude”?

Because of the meaning that might be assumed to be true behind this change-of-mind.

Liking something means you’re connected, happy, fun, encouraging, appreciative, gracious, like-able.

Not liking something means you’re closed, picky, disconnected, ungrateful, judgmental, standoffish, unwilling, separate.

But is any of that really true?

No.

Funny how the feeling inside persists that saying yes to something is easier than saying no.

So this inquiry is for that part that still wants to say yes, instead of no, the part that still thinks yes is being easy-going and fun, and no is being rude.

How do you react when you think as something enters your life, saying yes to it with open arms is easier, happier, more fun, more exciting, more like-able? And saying no is colder, more unfriendly, more resistant or ungrateful?

I say yes. All the time.

If I feel a “no” inside, I analyze it, mull it over, question it, wonder what others will think of me, worry about their feelings. ANXIETY!

Thinking overload. I may talk to others about it, get their opinion.

What do YOU think of this sweater? Are you going to the party? Are you enjoying yourself?

If THEY say yes, you add it to the points in your own “yes” category, boost them up a bit (notice it may seem to help, but it really doesn’t).

Who would you be without the belief that saying yes is better than saying no? In any situation?

Sooooo much more relaxed. Allowing things to unfold and roll along as they do. Noticing my “no” and feeling joyful and happy about it. Loving what I take in about other people’s opinions, valuing them and hearing them, and knowing when consulting others is done.

Turning these thoughts around: changing my mind is beautiful, sweet, loving, kind, surprising, interesting, fascinating.

I notice that the more I relax with the present moment “yes” or “no” that’s inside my heart, the less decision-agony I have in my life.

In fact, it’s like night and day.

I used to get sick to my stomach when I thought about changing my mind. Or trying to over-consider what other people would think, how they would react, what they might say, do, or feel if I did. Or what I might miss out on, how I might fail.

I wound up being more rude when I agonized about changing my mind in the past, than I ever am nowadays.

I was rude to myself, I was rude to the present-moment experience, trying to make the perfect un-rude choice.

What if NOT liking something means you’re connected, happy, fun, encouraging, appreciative, gracious, like-able?

WOOHOO!

“I have to go inside myself and find genuine answers, answer that are true for me. When I find what is true for me, there are no obstacles anymore. There are no barriers between me and my partner, or between me and anyone in the world.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

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Change The World By Answering Good Questions

Someone asked me yesterday why I do what I do.

Why do I write Grace Notes, why do I love to work with people in self-inquiry in this particular way–identifying thoughts and questioning them–why am I creating Eating Peace, and why am I so passionate about inquiry?

I loved considering my answer.

Why do I do it?

It’s easy.

Because I’ve watched self-inquiry changing my life, every day, andthe lives of people I work with. I love swimming in the great question of what is real, true, what’s happening here in this thing called life, what the mind is, how things work most easily here.

I love experiencing liberation and being surrounded by others who do the same…and watching the numbers of people finding freedom build.

This isn’t just a little thing, a little life change.

It’s a massive, completely different change of how I’m walking through life, of how life is unfolding itself right in front of me.

Others feel the same who stop, inquire, examine their minds, feel what’s happening.

I didn’t even know, when I was a teenager and feeling very angry, disturbed and frightened, with my head hanging over the toilet throwing up food, or having a food binge, that I would no longer feel that way one day in the future.

But I was determined to figure it out, whatever it took to end the violence.

When I began my search for peace so long ago, I just wanted the pain to stop. My reason for doing what I did was to calm down, and get through this thing called life. Being successful would be a bonus.

I’d settle for no terrible pain and suffering.

Slowly but surely, something began to change. Like the world very, very slowly becoming living color instead of black and white.

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” ~ Dorothy

Since that time of hoping for the thorn to be removed from my brain (the painful and untrue thinking) I’ve been moved to pursue many things.

Some things started out passionately, and then I dropped them. Some activities fizzled out.

 

Classes, activities, houses I lived in, places I moved, school programs, training programs, hobbies, self-improvement plans, therapy, even some relationships.

My inquiry started long before I heard of many of the teachers I know of now, like Byron Katie.

My life took a turn, for what I now know was the better. Dropping out of college, focusing on my own personal stability, recovery, and therapy.

I was lucky that way.

But once I reached solid ground, and appeared to stay there, why did I keep going?

Because that person asked me yesterday, I thought about it.

I realized with a wave of tingling warmth moving through me that the reason I do what I do, today, is because I absolutely LOVE people.

I love helping people get from horror to hope to laughter to peace.

I love sharing their journeys, this crazy journey called a life. The intimacy and kindness is stunning, the joy is so very happy.

It’s like the way I love dancing!

Everyone joining together on the dance floor, no matter what shape you’re in, no matter what kind of physical condition, and moving to the music.

Everyone together. No depression, no violence, no prison.

Most of all, the reason I do what I do is the love I see opening everyone up, as they inquire into reality.

People stop feeling so afraid, they stop being so critical, they stop hating themselves, stop acting out addictions, they stop overeating (one of my personal favorites), they stop drinking, they stop obsessing and panicking, they let go of their very prison-like beliefs that hurt so much.

Why do I do what I do?

I love participating in a world that’s waking up all around me, in every direction I look, and being a part of this astonishing process.

And I want every person who has ever hated themselves (especially for eating, either too much, too little, too imperfectly, or some other complaint) to love themselves unconditionally instead.

Why are you doing what you do?

I always love a great question. Great questions change the world.

“We are each made for goodness, love and compassion. Our lives are transformed as much as the world is when we live with these truths.” ~ Desmond Tutu
 

Much love,

Grace

 

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You Are Supposed To Be Thinking That Thought–Again

Have you ever mulled over, re-thought, re-hashed a difficult situation with someone in your life in an effort to find a good solution, to get it squared away once and for all so it’s all tied up nicely, it’s over and done, and you never have to think about it again?

That business deal that went sour several years ago, wow that was rough. That really good friend who got some kind of twisted information or who was misinformed who hurt you so badly. That lover or partner who dazzled you but it was all a sham. That uncle who led you astray in career advice. That class you spent all that money on that didn’t really pay off.

I’ve got it!

I know what I need to do to fix my problem with that person, place or thing who bugged me!

With that whole situation….I’ve got a plan.

I’ll write them a letter, explaining myself. I’ll send them a nice card. I’ll email them and say hello and ask about their family. I’ll call them up and say how sorry I am and follow the script on making amends and making it right. I’ll practice forgiveness work and repeat my mantras over and over.

So you do your program.

But you’re still thinking about that irritating, horrible, upsetting situation with that disturbing person yet again, in the middle of the night.

When it seems there’s nothing more to say that’s really useful, when you’ve already written an honest letter, when you’ve attempted to make it right, but it still bothers you….

….thank goodness for self-inquiry.

You can dig deeper and find out what’s left, for you to learn, on the inside of you.

Without ever making contact, reaching out, fixing anything, trying to make it all rosy and shiny with effort.

You can just stop all those other efforts at getting it resolved, and trust that it appears for inquiry inside your heart and mind, because it’s important somehow.

So there you are, going about your day (or you wake up in the night after a dream, perhaps with that person in it) and you think DAMN, why the hell did that happen back then? What was going on with her or him? Why can’t I know what really went on? How could I have let that occur in my life?

Why? How? What?

Pause.

Instead of trying to understand the entire story from start to finish, journal on it, analyze it half to death all over again….

….maybe just see what one of the simple, stressful thoughts is that popped into your mind?

Did something scare you in the present, as you remember that situation and that relationship?

She could hurt me again. He’s still out there. I’m in danger. Something terrible could happen, like before. 

I don’t want to be thinking about this person!!!!

Is that true?

Yes! I’ve done my work! I’ve tried everything, I’ve made amends, I’ve done counseling, I’ve done grief and letting go rituals, I’ve talked with friends and family, I’ve taken responsibility for my part.

Are you sure you don’t want to think of them? Ever, ever? Cuz too bad, you are.

Yes, it feels like I should be totally over this. It seems like it’s absolutely true.

Done. Over. Bye Bye. Forever.

How do you react when you think you’ve done everything, and it still reappears as a problem?

Angry. Irritated. Very sad. Pictures flash of the same scenes I’ve thought about 500 times.

I get upset with my own thoughts. We’ve gone over this before, can’t you remember?

But who would you be without the belief that you shouldn’t think about someone, or some troubling situation, ever again, even though there you are thinking of it?

…”Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably…” ~ from Rumi’s The Guest House

Ahhhh.

Without the belief that I shouldn’t be thinking, or don’t want to be thinking about so-and-so or such-and-such….I allow the pictures, the memories, the feeling to rise and be as they are.

Here.

And here’s what I’ve noticed, every time: when I relax with the thoughts as they are, when I let them be there….when I treat them honorably….they always bring me something precious.

You should be thinking, yet again, about that unresolved thing from the past.

How do you know?

Because you are.

“No one has ever been able to control his thinking, although people may tell the story of how they have. I don’t let go of my thoughts–I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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It’s Not You, It’s Me

Yesterday I spent time contemplating a moment when I’ve felt I’m not enough.

It’s called Morning.

Don’t get me wrong….I LOVE the morning. I’m such a morning person, always have been. I love waking up with a big open wide day ahead of me. I usually sleep really well. I sleep deeply. I wake up feeling good physically, sometimes kind of excited.

And yet, often, within literally 60 seconds of eyes open, still lying down in bed, the lists appear.

I wrote about this thoroughly in my Eating Peace note, and I know some of you get both Grace Notes and Eating Peace notes in your inbox, so don’t worry, I’m not going to talk about the same exact thing today.

But those lists. Holy Smokes. If you take them seriously, it can be stressful.

And here is one very painful idea that might be on your list, that is something kind of subtly twisted that the mind spouts off sometimes, and can make you feel sad and resigned.

It’s the belief that YOU are the problem.

Not other people. YOU.

You don’t feel light and happy because of this knowledge. It’s not like “oh goody, I only have to worry about myself, not those other jerks, whew what a relief.”

This is more like “it always comes back to me, I am completely f*&%ed up, I’m a loser, I never get it, I never change, I’m stupid, I can see this is all me, not other people, I know I need to grok something here but I keep missing it.”

Awhile back I had the sweetest client who was working on his relationship with his elderly mom.

He had done mega self-help programs. He was a therapist. He had spent 40+ years researching human behavior and happiness. He had a lot to say about his mother, her childhood, his childhood. He had great understanding of how everyone was hooked up in personality, what was going on in this difficult relationship.

When he went to write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, he said something I hear again and again from inquirers….

….I already know this worksheet isn’t about my mother, it’s about me. I already know I need to change. I can hear the turnarounds in my head as I write them all down on paper. If I write down that she’s a bitch, I already know that I act the same way and that I’m an ass.

Ouch.

This is not doing The Work.

Not if you think all this and feel self-criticism, discouragement, anger, resentment towards yourself, or self-hate.

Not if you’re SURE you know what the problem is, and it’s You.

“Explore being open to possibilities beyond what you think you know. There’s nothing more exciting than discovering the don’t-know mind. It’s like diving. Keep asking the quesion and wait. Let the answer find you…..When the mind asks sincerely, the heart will respond. You may begin to experience revelations about yourself and your world, revelations that can transform your whole life, forever.” ~ Byron Katie

What if you stopped being so sure it’s YOU all the time?

Who would you be without that belief that when you feel stress, something is wrong with you, and you should fix it (with The Work or whatever else you know about)?

What if you stopped thinking you need to change….at all?

What if you just relaxed about all of it, without giving up in disgust?

What if you turned your thought around that it’s always YOU that’s the problem, in any situation where you’re having trouble with other people….

….what if you tried on the crazy idea that it’s NEVER you that’s the problem when you have troubles with other people in your life, like your mother?

How could this be as true, or truer?

Here are my examples:

1) This mind is running like a little machine, busy with spewing out thoughts that it learned when old enough to think. Did “I” do that? No.

2) This experience with another person who bugs me or incites anger, fear or sadness inside me is magnetic, I get pulled to looking at it, thinking about it, ruminating over it, fascinated by it over and over again…maybe that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me, but instead that there’s something important here to investigate.

3) I am not ‘letting’ something bother me when I should not let it bother me. If I could control that, I would. Maybe it’s supposed to bother me, since it does.

Maybe I am sensitive, loving, caring, and tender on the inside. That’s why I care about this tricky and disturbing relationship, because I’m not being real and loving with ME when it comes to that person.

I’m believing I hate that person, or I think they hate me….which is a lie.

I love that person, I’m connected to her. We’re humans in this soup called planet earth, together.

“If you’re not trying to make people fit into your preconceived notions of what you like and dislike, you will find that relationships are not really that difficult. If you’re not so busy judging and resisting people based upon what is blocked inside of you, you will find that they are much easier to get along with–and so are you. Letting go of yourself is the simplest way to get closer to others.” ~ Michael Singer

This includes letting go of your own thoughts about things being your fault. Letting go of your preconceived notions about YOU and that you don’t like “x” about you and you do like “y” about you.

What if your relationship with yourself were not really that difficult? What if you didn’t have to resist who you are, especially when it comes to other people?

What if how you’re reacting is OK?

Welcome to The Work.

Much love, Grace

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What Isn’t True About Feedback

Have you ever really wanted to know what someone thought of you, or what they thought of something you did, or something you said, or something you created?

Or have you noticed….maybe you’re afraid to find out?

Long ago when I was in a therapy support group, one of the principles for how everyone interacted was that you were supposed to tell the truth, give feedback, and if you had something that bugged you with someone else in the group…you had to clear it up before anything else happened in the group that session.

Woah. It was soooo scary to me.

We were even offered a script to follow when you had a “clearing”.

You began by saying “when you said/did/looked like x, what I thought it meant about me was ______.”

You then went on to find out if what you were thinking had any truth to it at all. You spoke from the heart, without demanding that anyone change. The other person listened, then got to respond.

It was like clouds had parted over a very dark sky.

If you’re disturbed by someone, you can SAY something!? Wow!!

Recently, I asked all the people who had ever taken my teleclasses or programs on food and eating to answer a few questions anonymously and tell me their thoughts.

Even though I knew about clearings from way back then in those groups, I wouldn’t have been able to ask for feedback in quite the same way only a few years ago….especially not before The Work.

I got to read the most amazing feedback.

There was a huge, big range of comments and experiences!

(Funny how it’s called “feedback” by the way…speaking of food issues).

Quite a few people felt a class or program changed their experience of food, eating, their body image, and gave them new ways to look at their relationship with food, or their appearance, that was never the same again….and they’ve been growing in this awareness ever since, doing inquiry and seeing what it’s like to question thought.

Some people said they can’t remember what the class content was like, but they know it made a positive difference and they continue to watch what they think and feel to see what’s really true.

Some people said they understood some new principles for themselves and get self-inquiry, but it hadn’t really sunk in, they still struggled on a daily basis with eating or self-criticism around their body.

And one person said it was a huge disappointment and nothingchanged for them.

Yikes!

This is so powerful, especially for this thing in life called honest contact with others.

But here’s what is different about reading all the feedback than how it used to be:

It inspired me!

For the participants who didn’t get everything they wanted, I knew that only 8 weeks of investigating thoughts and practicing inquiry wouldn’t really blow the lid off a whole lifetime of using food to feel better or alter feelings, and stop the insanity.

I knew I needed to offer more, to somehow get what I’ve learned out of my head and my heart into a format that works for everyone, or a big major percentage of the people for sure, not just for some.

Plus, I already know everyone’s got their own path to peace. I may or may not have anything to do with it.

Here’s a way you can use feedback to help you, rather than scare you, if you’ve gotten some that feels a little (or a lot) painful.

Identify what hurts the most. For me, the thing that popped out most was “huge disappointment”.

Then begin to see and feel what the inner voice has to say about this comment, what feels painful, what’s terrible about what you’ve heard.

I let someone down, I should have made a difference, I should have offered more, I can’t deliver the answers well enough, I don’t have answers for other people (and I should), I’ll never be successful in serving, my approach wasn’t good enough, it’s too hard to relay healing in this area, people are still suffering, my service is pointless, we’re all alone….

If you’ve ever failed, or had difficult feedback, notice what your mind says about it.

Is it true?

Yes. Failure. Over. Didn’t do well. Missed the mark.

People feel this way about so many relationships, not even just feedback that isn’t “good”.

Can you really know it’s true, though? Are you positively sure?

No.

Who would you be without the thought that you did it wrong, you were a huge disappointment, you weren’t good enough, what you’re doing is pointless, you aren’t successful, and you should have done it differently?

Eager to create more. Excited to see what happens next.

Noticing life went THAT way, not THIS way.

Watching people come and go, for all kinds of reasons.

What if the turnarounds were just as true, or even truer than the original thoughts the mind comes up with, about what feedback means?

I let myself down, I am making a difference, I should have offered more for my sake, I can deliver the answers (and questions) that I have, I shouldn’t have answers for other people, I am successful in serving, my approach was good enough, it’s easy to relay healing in this area, people are no longer suffering, my service is meaningful for me….

I love that it’s all a process and a journey. There is learning, growth, and a unique timeline for everyone.

“Surrender has been part of all forms of spirituality because it is a means and invitation to do something that almost everything in us is hooked up to NOT do…which is to let go. Failure is the means to success. That place where nothing works is the place where everything works….But as long as you’re running towards or away from something, you’re in the game of illusion.” ~ Adyashanti

Without the belief that I should have, I shouldn’t have, I can’t, I can, or anything else I think something means….I don’t know what anything means.

I look around at this beautiful day, I hear a low hum of silence, a small airplane in the distance, a mailbox opening in the neighborhood, I feel my feet against the floor, my lungs take a huge deep breath.

Anyone can have this. Right now. Anyone can stop, feel, wait, slow down.

Anyone can see what took them out of the present and into feeling hurt…and perhaps into eating or drinking or smoking or whatever it was.

Anyone can do the work.

Much love, Grace

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What If You Had Nothing To Complain About?

The definition of a complaint in the dictionary is an ailment, disease, affliction, protest, objection, grievance, grouse, sickness.

It comes from the word lament. Grief. Sorrow.

We’re told we should never complain and that people who complain are irritating.

It seems true.

And yet…I noticed once that I was complaining about complainers. I had objections to these folks. But I was doing the same thing as them….

….wishing they would stop so I could be happy.

One fantastic way to dive deeper into understanding the whole process of complaining, whether you do it internally or say it out loud, is to write down every complaint you can think of in five minutes.

You might be surprised at how many you can think up.

I wish it wasn’t so late, I wish I had more time, there’s a pen mark on the couch, someone should have emptied the dishwasher, I wish the chicken was hot, I don’t want to go buy bananas, I thought there was gas in my car already, I don’t have time to book my tickets to the retreat, I didn’t write that other email very clearly…

I mean, it can go on and on and on.

What I’ve observed over time is that I have some of the very same complaints over and over. They’re like a broken record, playing repetitively.

Those are juicy ones for inquiry.

But after you look at these in more detail…you might have fun taking a look at the overall big picture…and seeing what happens if you inquire.

Let’s do it!

There are things that are wrong, and I object to them! They’re irritating, annoying, frightening, infuriating! 

Is that true?

Yes. There are things everywhere that are upsetting, imperfect, unfortunate and worthy of complaint!

I mean…EVERYWHERE!

Can you absolutely know this is true? Are you sure?

I almost don’t know how to answer that question. It seems true. Even considering it not to be true is sort of….unusual. I’ve never heard of such a thing.

Nothing to complain about? Impossible!!!

How do you react when you believe there are so many things worthy of complaint? When you really believe its true that things are imperfect and wrong around here?

I spout off complaints. I try to find solutions. I “work” on solving problems. I try to fix the complaints and get them handled.

It’s a big project. It’s never-ending.

Well…who would you be without the thought that there’s something to complain about?

Pause.

I’m almost silenced. Without the belief that there’s a lot to be upset about here on planet earth, in my life, I’d be….I’d be….

….wow. I’m not even sure who or what I’d be.

“To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I wouldn’t be a victim. I’d be here. Now.

I’d be looking around the space I’m in, noticing the air, the feeling of this place. I’d have eyes taking in the scenery, I’d have a body doing what it does, I’d hear a dog bark and a car motor somewhere nearby, I’d smell the lotion on my hands, I’d have a mind drinking everything in.

Turning the thought around….

….there is nothing to complain about. Nothing.

“Not even knowing what’s true–just knowing what’s not true is enough, because what that leaves is the great surprise. And all you can know about it is its nature. And so you begin to live a fearless existence.” ~ Byron Katie

Just to see what its like to not believe you have something to complain about….woah.

Empty. Quiet.

“Often, the pursuit of happiness leads to sorrow…Really happy people aren’t pursuing happiness, have you noticed? But you think they got it because they pursued it! What’s not told to you is that the pursuit of happiness leads to sorrow. Even if we attain something that gives us some happiness, we know that whatever we’ve grasped won’t last forever. Even a great spiritual experience!….In the midst of all this is the sacred. Causeless happiness.” ~ Adyashanti

What if your complaints are innocent, but also…unnecessary?

What if you could decide to simply relax, rest, and not take your complaining seriously?

Now that’s exciting!

Much love, Grace

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How Do You Know You Don’t Need To Know Why?

whywhywhyOne of the most common questions people have when looking at something very troubling (or even mildly disturbing) in life is WHY?

Why did that happen?

What was the cause?

Why did I act the way I acted, why did he/she do what they did? Why did she feel that way? Why did I feel that way? Where did this come from? Why is it going the way it’s going? What’d I do?

It’s like there’s this huge thirst to understand, to comprehend our nature, or other people’s reasons for doing what they do….

….but can we really find peace in knowing why?

Today in the Relationships Hell To Heaven class, that’s what we were investigating.

I need to know why “x” happened.

Yeah! It’s absolutely true!

If I knew why she dropped our friendship, if I knew why he was so mean, if I knew why he didn’t think our relationship was enough for him, if I knew why that happened to me, if I knew why life has turned out like this, if I knew why I got cancer, if I knew why I had so little money, if I knew why she said that….

....I’d be happier.

Are you sure?

Oh.

Not really.

How do you react when you believe you need to know why…and you don’t know 100% why something is the way it is?

I HATE NOT KNOWING! Argggh!

Participants in the group inquiry yesterday looked closely at how they felt when they believed they needed to know why something went the way it did:

Angry, frustrated, ruminating on the problem, driving their car in silence and rehashing what went on in the past, analyzing.

Who would you be, though, if you couldn’t believe you need to know why, order to be truly happy?

It’s one of those bizarre ideas, noticing who I’d be without the belief that I need to know why anything is the way it is.

Like my mind tries to go down an alley, or an interesting coldesac, or down a hole, or on a journey into space, but there’s no answer….

….and it’s OK that there’s no answer.

Full stop. No need to know why in order to be happy?

Yes.

I notice I have no idea why this world is the way it actually seems, why life is like *this*, why I am alive, why I was born, why the wind blows.

In my family growing up, my parents used to play music all the time. One album they put on regularly was by the singer Odetta who was popular in the 1960s and beyond. She had a fabulous song, a variation on a tune written by Woody Guthrie, I loved since I was about five called “Why Oh Why?”

The song is the sweetest moment of a child’s bedtime.

The child asks in the song….Why is the sky so blue? Why oh why oh why?

The parent answers “…because, because, because, because… goodnight, goodnight.”

“While there is nothing to fear about our natural state of infinite Being, such a state is beyond the ego’s ability to understand, and as always, egos fear whatever they do not understand and cannot control. As soon as our identity leaves the ego realm and assumes its rightful place as the infinite no-thing-ness/every-thing-ness of awareness, all fear vanishes in the same manner as when we awaken from a bad dream.” ~ Adyashanti

Deep breath.

I turn the thought around: I don’t need to know why, if I don’t.

Isn’t that lighter, more free, rather funny even?

“How do I know that I don’t need what I want? I don’t have it.” ~ Byron Katie

I don’t have the answer.

Turns out, I don’t need an answer.

Wow! Can you find it?

Much love, Grace

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Cast Out Your Fear, With Inquiry

Before inquiry…a few very quick announcements:
  • Tomorrow in Seattle 9/28 at my cottage 4-6 pm meetup doing The Work. Beginners to experienced, all welcome. I supply materials and handouts, $10 but if you don’t have it, come anyway. Hit reply for more information. You must RSVP.
  • Mini retreat Seattle 10/4 1:30-5:30 pm learning The Work from start to finish, with the chance to learn facilitation too. 4 CEUs for mental health professionals. $70 includes snacks, tea and materials.
  • Last chance to get on the special Eat In Peace mailing list for the coming new program beginning at the end of October, a deep look at how to transform food and eating from mean to friendly. Click here to get on the early bird list.
*******

Yesterday in Year of Inquiry we wrapped up our month of September topic on Family of Origin. Those people who influenced us early on.

Hi Mom! Hi Dad!

Sometimes inquirers in the group have another person in theircurrent lives who bugs them instead. I always encourage them to follow their feelings and do The Work on that other person…you never know when the troubling person might actually be like mom, or dad, or brother, or sister.

We looked at the thought “that person shouldn’t scare me”.

Holy smokes…how many times have I thought this?

When I really think about it, I’ve been extremely upset with being scared.

Not only should people not scare me, but the weather shouldn’t scare me, dogs shouldn’t scare me, the future shouldn’t scare me, the past shouldn’t scare me, loud noises shouldn’t scare me, dreams shouldn’t scare me, other peoples’ stories shouldn’t scare me….

…..this entire world shouldn’t ever, ever scare me!!

I hate being scared. Who doesn’t?

But.

Let’s pause a moment, shall we?

What if fear, apparently, exists…and you allowed it to be here?

Who would you be, or what would that be like for you, if you didn’t feel afraid of feeling afraid?

It seems tiny, like a little thing.

You’d still be afraid, just not afraid of being afraid. So what’s the big deal? It’s all still hard, terrible, difficult, sad, and….well….frightening!

No….I don’t want to imagine not being afraid of being afraid. I want to have NO FEAR WHATSOEVER.

That’s what the mind will think about fear. It will try to help you find safety, to find solid ground. It’s doing its best.

Trouble is when I’ve been afraid of feeling afraid….things don’t exactly go smoothly.

Who would you be without the thought that the thing or person or place or incident shouldn’t scare you?

Weird.

But then, a little compassion for myself enters. I feel tender towards myself, like it’s OK to be afraid. Gentle to myself. Soothing.

As I turn the thought around…how could it be true or truer that the person in question should scare me?

Well….they were suggesting images of a terrible, worrisome future. They were frightened themselves, and I was connected to them. They wanted me to be careful, to not get hurt. They cared about me. They cared about themselves. They felt threatened.

“To depend on another psychologically–to depend on another emotionally–what does that imply? It means to depend on another human being for my happiness. Think about that. Because if you do, the next thing you will be doing, whether you’re aware of it or not, is demanding that other people contribute to your happiness. Then there will be a next step–fear, fear of loss, fear of alienation, fear of rejection, mutual control. Perfect love casts out fear. Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency.” ~ Anthony DeMello

What if I was not crushed, terrified, destroyed by feeling fear?

I notice I haven’t been so far. I’m still alive.

Right?

Maybe the biggest turnaround is….

…I shouldn’t scare myself, and use other people to do it!

I shouldn’t take them so seriously. I should notice how I’ve made it so far (I haven’t died from too much fear). I’ve learned a lot in fearful situations.

“Reality is always kinder than the stories we tell about it.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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The Crack Is Where The Light Gets In

eruption_mount_st_helens_05-18-80When I was in my late teens, I discovered that people wrote books about recovering from suffering, finding peace, faith, understanding why we’re here, the meaning of life.

Before that, I thought all books were stories!

(Ha ha, you could say they all ARE stories, no matter what they’re about!)

One of the first authors who came across my world when I discovered people sharing their knowledge about life was M. Scott Peck who wrote The Road Less Traveled in 1978. I came across it when everyone was talking about it, maybe two years later.

Perfect timing for me….I just dropped out of college because of having a huge existential crisis about why I was there, what college was for, where I was going, and how to get rid of my horrible anxiety about it all.

And Mt. St. Helens had just blown up in my home state, too.

My way of handling all the stress was to think and plan and panic, kind of like somebody flailing about as they fall through open sky off a cliff.

The way I would relieve myself was to eat, eat, eat excess amounts of food. Then I’d relieve that activity by running and biking for miles and miles, or throwing up. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by sleeping and feeling depressed. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by thinking, analyzing and feeling anxious about something. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by eating….

….go back to jail, do not collect $200 (like the game of monopoly, without winning).

It got bad enough that I couldn’t concentrate on my classes anymore, or the text books we were reading. I didn’t like being graded, either. Too skittish about other peoples’ opinions, including my professors.

Oh, to have had more clear self-inquiry back then….

….but I also see it went the way it needed to go, in just the right order and timing.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeing deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” ~ M. Scott Peck

Who would you be without the belief that the time you remember in the past that was horrible and rotten, unfair and difficult…was all for nothing?

When Scott Peck spoke at the University of Colorado at Boulder when I lived near there, I immediately signed up to see him.

He may have been one of the first speakers I ever saw who was not playing music or acting on stage. He was just sharing his wisdom, over years of having conversations with people about their deepest woes.

I remember sitting in the audience and thinking “Wait. He’s a regular person! He has cigarettes in his front shirt pocket! What’s that all about!?”

Right then, I discovered that I had no idea what wisdom looked like. I had no idea what freedom really meant. I didn’t know what was really good or bad, right or wrong…all of it was all mixed up together and my thinking couldn’t sort it all out with firm answers.

I knew that Scott Peck was very imperfect, but he was a brilliant author and he helped many people, including me.

Who would you be without the belief that you have to have it all together, do it “right”, be good, even eat a certain way in order to be acceptable and worthy, in order to feel peace?

Whew.

I notice that what happened for me is…I stopped smoking cigarettes in my twenties because they made me feel like crap and being dominated by something like tobacco pissed me off (my own mind was bad enough, and I had a rebellious streak).

I stopped binge-eating because it slowly fell away as I studied my own anxiety and became as honest as possible about who I really was in any given moment, with or without food.

Slowly but surely, it seems my thoughts are less and less important because when I look at them directly, it’s hard to believe they are true.

But even when I believe them….and even if you believe yours….

….there is something OK, unknown, mysterious and beyond-you about it.

Keep going.

You don’t have to be perfect to be wise.

Neither do the people around you.

“Ring the bells that still can ring 
Forget your perfect offering 
There is a crack in everything 
That’s how the light gets in.” 

~ Leonard Cohen

If you’re interested in the upcoming Eat In Peace program, a 12 week journey of understanding our relationship to eating, food and our bodies….click HERE to get on the early-bird list for more information which is coming very soon.

Much love, Grace