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Do You Know The Difference Between Ghost Hunger And Real Hunger?

One of the first places I experienced deep, horrible, shameful suffering was in the way I ate.

It all started pretty young for me.

I remember “knowing” that people were “good” when they ate salad, broccoli and apples, and “bad” when they ate half a pizza, candy, or big bowls of ice cream.

I was eight.

Slowly the building blocks of beliefs came together to make a perfect storm of being freaked out around eating.

The culture and society praising thin, parents having wildly high expectations of themselves and of me, the beliefs that big feelings were to be shoved under the carpet or you’d make a fool outta yourself, and the incredible comfort of eating food.

Put that all together and you’ve got fear, anger, sadness, and more fear.

It took some heavy work and amazing encounters with wise teachers, and learning to be really honest, to find my freedom.

After a few years went by, people began to ask me about my recovery, how it happened, what it was like….and could I help.

I was hesitant.

It was trickier than I thought.

Fast forward after many years of insight, awareness, reading, learning, a master’s degree, group therapy, individual therapy, family therapy, and finding The Work of Byron Katie….

….and I loved the simplicity of identifying all those beliefs I had as an eight year old kid and a teenager, and questioning if they were really true.

My first telecourse to help break apart the pattern of eating too much or too little, of dieting or obsessing or freaking out about food, was in 2010.

I kept updating it, noticing what worked, what didn’t work, what helped, what didn’t help.

I’ve taught the course 21 times.

The last time I offered Eating Peace was nine months ago.

I’ve been waiting to roll it out again, because I’ve been researching, writing, and compiling piles of information about what’s been missing in supporting people to get to freedom around food.

I surveyed and interviewed almost everyone who participated in the last group…

…and some who participated in classes even before that one…

…and I learned some very important things.

People understood how to question their thinking, they learned how to relax more with food, they felt more self-acceptance in their bodies, they could question some of those big weird beliefs like “I should be thin to be loved” or “I have a problem with food” and turn these thoughts around…

BUT…

…only a few participants felt permanent change in their daily relationship to food and eating, or their bodies.

Sometimes, participants felt enormous relief and flooded with peace. They wouldn’t feel like eating so much, they might not even start a binge.

Then a few days would go by, or a few weeks or months…and the urge to eat would appear again with a vengeance.

Here’s what I found, if you are someone who’s experienced ANY kind of ongoing addictive pattern where you use SOMETHING to alter your mood, whether food, sex, shopping, smoking, drinking, facebooking, whatever…..

….This is all about your beliefs about you, and your conflicted feelings about safety, power, rest, love, sadness, satisfaction, hunger, fullness, independence, aloneness and who you really are.

What I have found by studying myself and other people is, the only way to get to the bottom of the compulsion for food when you are not actually hungry, or the compulsion to starve yourself when you are…

…is to catch that very moment–it speeds by so fast it’s like a flicker of something on a movie screen–before you feel like consuming or exercising or DOING something.

It’s whatever is there that says “I cannot stand being in this moment, I have to do SOMETHING, I don’t feel good.”

There are simple ways to begin to find out how to identify ghost hunger from real hunger, and to stop mistrusting yourself and treating yourself so meanly.

I’m going to dive in again with a group to not only investigate the mind, but also to investigate feelings….maybe even feel them.

It does take practice and it’s a process, not an instant fix.

One thing I learned about the teleclass was that 8 weeks is a great introduction, but it’s not enough time.

We’re going to meet for twice that time. For four months, I’m going to help you get clear about this Food Thing, and practice relaxation.

We’ll practice Being….and Doing Nothing….when it comes to this “problem” with food, this problem you may have had for almost all your life, give or take a day or two.

Here’s the good news:

The mind can be your friend to investigate food, eating, craving, compulsion, powerlessness, discouragement, emptiness, and fear.

If you would like to be on the early-bird list to learn about this new program for making friends with food, eating and your body…

…then click here.

If you have a friend or a family member or colleague who you think would like to be on the list for the upcoming news for Eat In Peace, please click here to forward this Grace Note to them: Blue.

I can’t wait to work with everyone who signs up.

Freedom from thinking and feeling bad about food is possible for everyone.

Even you. Especially you.

“Imagine not being frightened by any feeling. Imagine knowing that nothing will destroy you. That you are beyond any feeling, any state. Bigger than. Vaster than. That there is no reason to use drugs because anything a drug could do would pale in comparison to knowing who you are.” ~ Geneen Roth

Much love, Grace

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They Should Stop Telling That Bad Story

WhatToDoWithComplainers
Ever think someone should stop telling that troubling story?

People write to me sometimes to ask if I’ll write on a specific topic: parenting, love, jealousy, divorce, sibling rivalry.

Just yesterday an inquirer wrote asking me to write about other people who go on and on telling sad, difficult or terrible stories.

What to do?

I loved the image that came to my mind that she described of her having to listen to a woman in her classroom, while kids were on a PE break, telling “her whole life story of difficulty.”

We’ve all had that kind of moment.

There you are, listening to someone speak. They are telling you how awful it’s been for them, how unfortunate, how they were hurt and never could recover, how hard their lives.

I hear many people speak of difficulties, and it’s actually easy and touching for me. But what’s the difference when you get that sensation of never-ending darkness, difficulty, victimhood and your ears and eyes start to glaze over.

I suddenly remembered a co-worker from many, many years ago.

Here she would come, around the corner holding her coffee mug. At first, it had been fun to connect and talk about what seemed to be deep issues, important ideas, personal topics, difficult or sticky encounters at home, with neighbors, in childhood.

But now, inside….I wasn’t feeling so compassionate, connected and interested.

Oh no. Here she comes. Here comes the sob story.

If you’ve had this kind of encounter…..what are the thoughts really saying, what is your resistance saying, what are you trying to do when you have this urge to put up a shield and Not Hear One More Word?

Here’s what I found was under the surface when I wanted to push a button and have the Cone of Silence come down over my head when I saw that co-worker walking down the hall towards my cubicle:

  • I wish she felt better, because then I would feel better
  • I can’t be honest with her or I’ll make it worse and hurt her more
  • I’m very sad she’s had such trouble, and it’s difficult to hear about because I don’t know how to help and I SHOULD know
  • I’m terrified of victims, their story seems so hopeless
  • When I hear this sad story, I feel sad because people should have happy lives
  • The world is a cruel place
  • Some people here on planet earth become weak, lost, tragic failures….and I’m afraid to be near them because it scares me
I once had a very good friend who was in graduate school for psychology. She told me about a lecture she heard that day.

A professor said that depression, fear, rage and negativity are contagious….just like happiness, optimism, joy and love.

Well, duh, I thought.
You can see or feel that when you walk in any room! If everyone in the room has just been told frightening or horrible news, then someone who doesn’t know who walks in the room will feel the energy like an electric current. If everyone has just learned incredible exciting and joyful news, the room will be alive with that energy!
But what if you questioned your beliefs about what you believe it means, when people receive difficult news? What if you question your thoughts about those victims out there who you encounter?
You may find another option altogether.
Let’s find out.
Is it true that if someone else feels good, I also feel good….or if someone feels bad, I also feel bad? Is it true that I’d feel better if everyone else felt better? Does that mean I want everyone to feel happy, powerful and strong all the time? Do I really need to know what to do when super crazy horrible things happen to people? Is there little hope for a happy future, when people have awful tragedies in their lives?
Hmmm. It seems to be the case. It seems like being around joyful people is easier, more fun, and that it lights me up. When I’m talking with a sad, upset, disappointed, grief-stricken person how I used to feel was afraid, nervous.
Kinda like I wanted to ditch out.
As this inquirer confessed, she said she wanted the woman with the sad story to Shut Up!!
Maybe your answer is YES, they should STOP TELLING THAT STORY! Or maybe you answered no, because you’re really not so sure they should.
Who would you be without that thought, no matter what your answer? What if you couldn’t even have the thought that they should stop being that way?
What if it was OK for them to have whatever story they have, whatever complaint they have, whatever tone, idea, or beliefs they have about their lives?
Sort of strange, right?
“I do The Work with you because you think you need it. I don’t have any such thought; I love you just the way you are. That’s what I am to myself. You are my internal life. So your asking is my asking. It’s just me asking myself for my own freedom. This is self-love. It’s perfectly greedy, always.” ~ Byron Katie

How do I know I’m supposed to be hearing the story I’m hearing?

Because I’m hearing it. That’s reality.

  • I feel connected, whole, here, supported…even when someone else feels bad
  • I can be honest with her and say “when I listen to you, part of me is scared or sad because I want everyone to overcome difficulties and I know it’s possible for anyone.”
  • I don’t know how to help, but I can be honest and I can listen
  • She is not a victim, she is hopeful
  • I can feel love and peace, no matter what I hear
  • The world is a wonderful place
  • No one here on planet earth is a weak, lost, tragic failures….including me. It’s only a story we sometimes tell.

How is it a good thing, that this person crosses my path, who feels pain and has a troubling story?

Find out.

That’s the way to not feel like a victim….of those people who are being victims.

“I will always listen deeply to you, but I will never try to fix you, mend you, stop you feeling what you are feeling or give you second-hand, memorized answers. I will never pretend to be the one who knows, the enlightened one. I will not get into drama with you, I will not indulge and feed your stories and mental conclusions and fears, I will not mistake who you are for my story about you, my dream of who you are. But friend, I will meet you in the fires of hell, I will hold your hand there, I will walk with you as far as you need to walk, and not turn away, for you are myself, and in the deepest recesses of our experience we are intimately each other, and we cannot pretend otherwise.” ~ Jeff Foster

Much love, Grace

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What If Everyone Loves You?

Yesterday morning Relationship Hell To Heaven started off with a wonderful bang! (There’s still space for one person, by the way, to join us–you could catch up by listening to the first class recording).

Someone offered the thought “he doesn’t get me”.

It occurred to me throughout the rest of the day what a common thought this can be.

That person doesn’t understand me, doesn’t grok me, doesn’t vibrate the same as me.

And the general crowd version of this thought: These Aren’t My People!!

Long ago when I was only 19, I saw a public service ad for Overeaters Anonymous on TV. I felt desperate. Although I had only had a handful of binge-purge episodes, I was haunted day and night by the problem of food and eating.

I called the number.

A sweet woman, who must have been a lot older than me and had kids, started talking about stuff I had never dared or even imagined people could speak about out loud.

She said before going to OA, she would eat everything in sight in the kitchen as she prepared food for her family. She ate a whole pie once, before dinner.

I still remember the feeling during that phone call, feeling like Dorothy when she enters the land of Oz, and the movie becomes sparkling, brilliant, in full living color.

You mean…people can talk about this?

WOW. I thought you were supposed to hide this kind of information from others.

I showed up at the next Overeaters Anonymous meeting I could find and went for several months. I stopped binge-eating. The rooms were full of interesting people. I was making friends who really got me.

And then, I went off to a college study program in Europe, with my newfound knowledge called “talking to other people honestly” and the Big Book of the Twelve Steps.

They didn’t have OA in Italy. They had AA.

I found the English speaking meetings and went. I felt so terrified of losing my new “food” sobriety. I wasn’t bingeing and purging. I was intensely rigid with food. I wouldn’t let one bite, or sniff, of anything with sugar, flour…I can’t remember what other limitations I had, but I learned it from a “diet” plan they offered at OA at the time.

One bite, I was told, could set me off. I must be very careful.

The people in AA of course were different. They quit drinking, or were interested in quitting. I didn’t drink because that was also a part of the OA program of no sugar.

But the AA people would tell stories about hitting their bottom with drinking, going to jail, helping other alcoholics.

I was afraid to talk.

What should I say…that my name is Grace and I’m a food addict? Should I just say I’m an alcoholic, even though that sounds weird and I don’t think I am? What about those couple of times I drank a lot?

Should I say I’m an addict? That would be true…except they might think I’m a drug addict, which would be even farther from the truth since I smoked pot exactly once and detested it.

I don’t fit in! I’m not like the AA people! Oh no! I have to stay on the program!

I would read the AA stories of recovery in the Big Book and actually change the words in someone’s story from “alcohol” and “alcoholic” to something about food.

I didn’t realize it’s all the same. It doesn’t matter. But oh the agony at the time.

They don’t get me.

They’ll think I’m gross, they’ll think I’m sick, they’ll reject me, they’ll be repulsed, they’ll kick me out when they find out I’m not an alcoholic. If only I WAS an alcoholic…that’d be better than bulimic and food-obsessed anyway. Jeez.

Hilarious, really.

Many people in the Relationships group yesterday felt alone, isolated, separated, frightened when they believed that thought.

But who would you be without it?

Without any belief that someone doesn’t get you, it’s sad that they don’t, it’s not possible that they could, you don’t fit in…without that whole story going on who would you be?

So connected, open, joyful it’s hard to describe.

Relating to everyone. Feeling contact with the air, the chair, my body, voices, people, the flow of energy changing and morphing every second, every moment.

I would feel like I could just sit with others, or with one other person, and hum near them, like a little machine, with joy…without even speaking.

Last year I got to go to an AA meeting again after many years.

I loved everyone in that room.

I still had the thoughts that they are looking at me and wondering if I’m OK and who I am and if I need to talk or need their support or if I just drank myself blind the other day or if I’m an old-timer….chattering of stories of wondering what THEY must be thinking about ME.

But that was in the background.

I knew we were all the same.

Humans.

“All things–all beings and all activities, no matter how ordinary–are equal expressions of the Infinite. There is no more or less Infinite, no higher or lower Infinite…..If you could all at once stop believing your dreaming mind and be completely still right in the midst of your present state, the Infinite would effortlessly present itself.

Turn that thought around: they DO get me, everyone gets me…it was me who didn’t get myself before, when I thought they didn’t get me.

I was worried about being different, rejected, unloved, alone, weird, unacceptable.

I forgot I belonged, anywhere. Because that’s where I was.

“When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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De-fense! De-fense! Are You Hurting You?

If you’re wanting to take the last spot for the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven, which runs for 8 sessions, we start today at 9 am Pacific Time! Reply to this email if this is for you. We meet 9/22 – 11/17 (no class 10/20).

And speaking of relationships from hell.

Have you ever said “no” to someone, or not met their expectations in some way….maybe you disappointed them, or didn’t return their call soon enough, or you weren’t as excited about something as they were.

They sent you a cold email, or a short text, or a brief note that’s not like their usual friendly self.

They are not pleased. You did it wrong.

During this past weekend I got to sit with a wonderful group of inquirers all investigating their thinking about important close relationships, their imperfect bodies, their spiritual practice.

What a spectacular way to spend the weekend, exploring ancient thoughts that hurt.

As another inquirer investigated her thought about feeling a divide between her and one of her best friends, I remembered my good friend Carrie from a really long time ago.

And how it went bad.

Carrie was about six years younger than me, and the difference between age 18 and 24 seemed huge. I felt like her way bigger sister. I worked in the music department of a university where she was a music major.

She started coming in more and more often to the main office. My desk was one of the first ones anybody saw when they walked through the door.

We had fantastic conversations about parents, college, jobs, what happened to her when she was little, her survival of her childhood. It was sweet and intimate, and she could trust me to keep her stories private, and to honor them.

I could.

She graduated and went off to play her saxophone in gigs around town and work as a nanny.

She wrote me a letter. I smiled a big wide smile, very pleased to hear from her.

She sent me a card. I was touched and placed it on my desk.

Then she sent me cute silver carved turtle earrings (I still have them and wear them occasionally).

Wow, what a sweetheart! I called her and left her a message saying Thank You. This was before cell phones. We had answering machines.

In my own personal life, I was pretty miserable. I was frightened. In the middle of receiving Carrie’s communications, I went into inpatient eating disorders treatment. I was there for four weeks. When I came out, I quit my job, and moved back to the city where I grew up.

Then….after quite a few weeks….a not-so-friendly letter arrives at my parent’s house.

You never write back, you never try to contact me, you’ve always got better things to do. You’re not the caring person I thought.  

Carrie felt pissed. Dismissed. Not cared for. Unimportant. Small. Not special.

I felt sad reading that letter.

Too bad I didn’t have the work at the time…it would be many years before I found it.

Because I could have questioned my troubled thinking, and gotten free.

She shouldn’t have impossible expectations. She shouldn’t believe I’m a dismissive person. She shouldn’t be hurt and disappointed. She pressured me. If this is how needy she is, then good riddance. 

De-fense! De-fense! Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap! (Like the cheers at football games, right?)

Is it true she shouldn’t have written that to me?

Is it true she shouldn’t feel pain, be hurt, be upset, see me as a horrible friend and a rotten person?

Yes! She’s expecting too much!

Are you sure?

Who would you be without that belief?

Oh.

You mean without the thought that I was neglectful? Without the belief that she’s wrong about me? Without the belief that she’s too needy? Without the thought I shouldn’t ever disappoint anyone?

Without any of those thoughts, I notice a huge empty space, and relaxation.

I notice a simple inner appreciation for her. I notice sending her love, and then I notice my surroundings. I notice my freedom.

No need to stop everything and rush to anxiously apologize. No need to believe I did it wrong or it went badly. No fear of her anger, her dislike, her disgust or disappointment, her view of me.

“It’s not what people say that upsets us, it’s what we hear that upsets us….The tone of their voice, right? If you really want to know the truth, step in front of a screamer. When someone does that thing with their voice, what’s going in your head about that is the pain you’re feeling, the suffering you’re feeling. An open mind is someone who is hearing, rather than imagining what you’re hearing.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn my thoughts around: I shouldn’t have impossible expectations of her, or of myself. I shouldn’t believe she’s a dismissive person. I shouldn’t be hurt and disappointed. I pressured me. If this is how needy I am, then she’s better off without me. 

Phew.

I realize how much Carrie loved me, how caring and giving she was, how interested she was in me, how much she wanted to be in my life, how close she wanted to be, how honest, strong, passionate she was.

She was more present and proactive towards me, more loving and attentive, than I was about myself!

“Give up defining yourself – to yourself or to others. You won’t die. You will come to life. And don’t be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it’s their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don’t be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

If you feel unresolved, upset, confused, sad, irritated, stressed, in pain about any relationship….begin to question your beliefs about that person.

You may be surprised at how that person you are upset with is a person in your imagination, not the one you think they are.

If you need support in this….join us tomorrow in the relationship hell to heaven class.

“When you judge another person unkindly, you hurt you.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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When Future Plans Shift, Dance The Shuffle

My hands are clapping because last night was the first evening of retreat with the Year of Inquiry group. We just started our year together this month. I love everyone in the group so much!

Even the people who can’t travel to Seattle for a weekend because they live far away or had other plans.

Just yesterday, last minute shuffles started happening.

Someone emailed with the news “my mother is not feeling good, and her job was taking care of my kids this weekend…I can’t make it.”

A few hours later, another inquirer sent me her email “My ride fell through”. Another inquirer said “can I come last minute?” even though she’s flying from Nevada.

Yes to everything. Yes.

(By the way, there will be an opening starting next month for one person in Year of Inquiry. We mostly meet on the phone, and there is one optional retreat next spring for everyone who’s ever been in YOI–current participants and alumni–May 15-17, 2015. Write me by hitting reply to this email if you’re interested).

Have you ever had a party, planned a vacation, led a retreat, given a talk, performed on stage, organized a family event….

….and noticed your thoughts along the way are sometimes….

….a little like getting a piece of dust in your eye?

Kind of hurts, but if you just blink enough, it will go away? Sort of irritating and concerning but you just keep going? A little anxiety arising? Perhaps a wave of anxiety grows bigger as the date approaches?

You might know its going the way its going, and its all OK….but if you inquire, you may not even experience that little piece of dust, or any stress whatsoever.

Let’s look at the kinds of thoughts that can be agonizing sometimes about plans to gather people together for anything:

  • not enough people can make it
  • there should be more people
  • there should be fewer people
  • I need to know who is coming
  • if someone cancels, it means it’s not important enough
  • if someone comes last minute, it means they don’t have anything better to do
  • I need everyone to have a fabulous time
  • everything needs to go as I planned…perfectly
I’ve facilitated inquirers through wedding plans, friends frequently canceling for dates, people not showing up, worries about workshops not filling or going wrong.

How do you react when you believe you need to know what will happen? When you believe it needs to look like “x” in order to be really good?

When you think everyone needs to have a perfect, amazing, fantabulous time? When you think people should do everything they can to attend barring natural disasters?

I get up thinking about what I’ll do in the morning. I make lists. I picture what it will look like. I think, with some anxiety, about what I could be missing or what I haven’t included or if I’ve remembered everything, bought everything, printed out everything…THOUGHT of EVERYTHING?

Worry, worry, worry.

Who would you be without the belief that you have to know anything about what your upcoming plans will really look like? Without that thought that you have to do anything MORE than you want to do? Without the belief that you could miss something, or that everyone has to have an amazing time?
Oooooh it’s so much fun!!
Absolutely thrilling really!
No idea what it will look like, but very open, ready, happy, anticipating with joy.
I get on the airplane with my suitcase (and maybe not even that!), I park my car and gather my things and walk into the hall, I prepare food in my kitchen and put out chairs and set out name tags and tea, I send emails to relatives across the country, I click “buy” on the retreat page.
When even one knock comes at the door, I know something wonderful is about to happen.
  • the perfect number of people can make it
  • there should be the exact number of people present
  • I do not need to know who is coming
  • if someone cancels, it means they are supposed to cancel
  • if someone comes last minute, it means they are supposed to come last minute
  • I need only me to have a fabulous time
  • everything needs to go as it goes, and whatever I think or anything thinks, it is just right for this moment, even this moment right now

“The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

In this moment now…I notice there is a most beautiful space in the air around me.
There are voices and smiling people everywhere, people reading, relaxing, looking at their phones. I am sitting in a Starbucks. I just counted 24 people in this room here with me, and I didn’t invite anyone or expect to see any of these people this morning.
A gorgeous song is playing with a guitar through the speakers overhead. The room is bursting with light from floor-to-ceiling windows. The trees outside wave happily in the overcast breeze.
What a spectacular world. I am almost moved to tears with the beauty of it all.
Can you see it?
There is really nothing else to do now, except dance my favorite last-minute shuffle dance.  With people coming and going, people moving in and out and to the left and to the right.
A shuffle to the grocery store and a shuffle to the office depot and a shuffle to make copies and a shuffle to the gym and a shuffle to my kitchen and a shuffle to all the people who show up tonight to do The Work together all weekend.
Click this link now and get up and dance, in your living room, wherever you are. Dance right now.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. For another Grace Note on planning events, click here to read.

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Trying To Control Your Thoughts Is Like Trying To Control The Wind

So many people responded to my little survey asking what my podcast should be named, and what topics you’d like to see addressed.

Thank you! Thank you!

(The name will probably be Peace Talk).

And wow.

There are a lot of topics to address.

Anxiety, fear, depression, pain, money, self-worth, disrespect, misery, wanting appreciation, eating too much, feeling addicted, nervous about the future, not having enough time, wanting to stop all these miserable thoughts!

It’s interesting to notice what we think about thoughts themselves, when they’re difficult.

Not only am I having a rough time here with what happened….but now, even as I sit quietly in a chair, or drive home in an empty car on my commute after a long day at work, or walk to the store for groceries, or lie in my bed at night….

….I’m thinking uncomfortable thoughts.

Arrgh. So annoying.

Why can’t I just be positive? Why do I have to scare myself, or think of worse case scenarios, or obsessively repeat the issue over and over again?

Why can’t I give it a rest?

Interesting thought to questions.

I should stop thinking this way.

Is it true?

Yes. My life would be totally different if only I had stopped thinking depressive, anxious or negative thoughts long, long ago. I should be more positive.

What’s wrong with me?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you should stop thinking the way you’re thinking?

Um. Yeah. I will never get enlightened this way. My mind is too anxious too fast too childish.

How do you react when you believe your thoughts are your enemy? When you think you should stop thinking the way you think?

Sour. Angry. Full of self-criticism. Depressed. Tired.

Who would you be, though, if you couldn’t believe you should stop negative or anxious thinking? Has it worked so far to try to stop?

Can you stop thinking, when you yell at yourself for all your crazy thinking?

Notice what happens when you really don’t believe you should stop thinking the way you think.

Something opens up.

Like it’s asking for attention, for you to hold this thought-machine with care, kindness, acceptance, and compassion.

“How can you NOT think about something? It’s thinking you. Thought appears. How can not thinking [or thinking] about it be irresponsible? You either think about it or you don’t. Thought either appears or it doesn’t. It’s just amazing that, after how many years, you think you can control your thinking. Can you control the wind too?” ~ Byron Katie

When I turn the belief around I find “I should keep thinking this way.”

Woah, seriously?

Yes…check it out. Explore this. How could it be of benefit to think the way you’ve thought so far? Even the dark, disturbing thoughts?

It appears to be the way of it.

Even if I don’t know why.

Allowing this mind, these thoughts, this path to be as it is….

without demanding, pushing, striving for these thoughts to be different….

….I notice they are not so intense. They are not so loud. They are almost, suddenly, very funny.

“Our wisdom is all mixed up with what we call our neurosis. Our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness, is all mixed up with our craziness and our confusion, and therefore it doesn’t do any good to try to get rid of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also get rid of our basic wonderfulness. We can lead our life so as to become more awake to who we are and what we’re doing rather than trying to improve or change or get rid of what we are or what we’re doing.” ~ Pema Chodron

Not being against my own thoughts, the beliefs that float through, the anxiety that creates images, or vice versa, the repetitive thinking…

…I notice letting it be here is soooo restful. Puzzling maybe, but very, very relaxing and restful.

That’s always here, even when thinking is happening.

A great, silent resting place.

And if you can’t feel it, don’t worry. Just notice the thoughts, one by one, and inquire into if they are really true, and who you’d be without them.

There are 2 spots left in the 8 session teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Click HERE for more information. If you need a payment plan, hit reply.

Much love, Grace

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When You Have To Make A Good Impression

There is a store called Archie McPhee’s in Seattle that sells only what is silly, goofy, funny and often bizarre gizmos and toys.

Things like bacon flavored gum, rubber finger insect puppets, and mad libs.

I try to go there once a year on my birthday. My kids know this trip is a part of my birthday event.

Several years ago, they were selling these ornate, plastic framed pictures of saints that were decorated in the style of 15th century Italy. I bought one that looked like the Madonna.

She’s delicately exposing with both hands a red heart in the middle of her chest with light rays beaming out of it. She has a saintly blue shroud over her hair that falls over her shoulders.

I put it up on my wall in the living room in this high space that normally wouldn’t hold paintings or artwork. I thought it was funny, but also loved the drama of it, in a good way.

Love…beaming out of her heart to everyone and everything around.

One day, I realized that when clients come to do The Work in my cottage, they see that Madonna right up on the wall.

Someone asked me once “Are you Catholic?” and I said “No, why?”

They pointed at the plastic painting.

Then…someone else gave me a nicely framed little copy of a Madonna and Child also from the Renaissance period that sits near the entryway to my home.

Hmmm. Maybe I should move one of them, take them down.

What will people think?

I smiled. I had a stressful belief that people might be assuming something that is not true about me. I’ll give them the wrong idea. Oh no!

You may have this as well….about something.

I was once working with a man who had a lot of thoughts about his appearance. He said he couldn’t go out of his house wearing sweats or casual clothing. He had to be dressed well, even if it was jeans he had to look together, with a nice shirt, shoes, socks.

It’s interesting to notice when we think we know what other people are thinking, or what they MIGHT think….and try to hide it, change it, avoid showing it, just so we won’t be rejected, misunderstood, or judged wrongly.

I have to make the right impression!

Is that true?

No. Not really. People can ask if they have questions or need to clear up something or aren’t sure what something means about the way I’m appearing, just like that client did.

How do you react when you believe you have to make the right impression?

Oh man. This can be really stressful. More stressful than you might think.

What if it’s a person you’re interested in romantically, or a colleague you admire, or an audience, or your family and friends?

You think they might not like what you’re doing, what you’re saying, how you’re saying it, what you look like, how you’re coming off…and you feel anxious.

You change what you like, just to make sure it doesn’t come off the “wrong” way.

Embarrassed, ashamed, hiding, sneaking.

I used to say things to the cashier when in line with a bunch of food at the grocery store like this….”gosh, I wonder if I have enough for 12 people, that’s how many people are coming over.”

But only when I knew I was going to binge on the food.

It’s horrible, trying to cover up things about you, because you’re afraid of what people will really think. Very stressful.

So who would you be without these thoughts?

Without the belief, at all, that you need to make any impression whatsoever? That you have to do, say, act, be a certain way so that folks like you, or aren’t mistaken about you?

“You can get really good at this game of creating someone. And if the person you created is not receiving the popularity and success you expected, you can adjust your thoughts accordingly. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with this. Obviously everybody does it. But who are you that’s doing this, and why are you doing it? Why do we let this happen to us? Why do we care so much whether other people accept the facade we put out there?” ~ Michael Singer

Without the belief, things may be weird and strange. You’re not attached to what you thought was necessary. You may lose your bearings.

Without the thought that I need to say, understand, do, think, feel or appear a certain way…to make a good impression…it’s total wide open infinite space.

“I noticed that things happen with or without me, people approve of me of they don’t. It has nothing to do with me.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought I need to be somebody, and make it a good impression, I discover something vast…a little frightening possibly.

But it’s very, very free and present. There is no concern, in a very gentle way, for what other people think. There is only noticing, seeing, connecting, wondering, laughing.

I turn the thoughts around: I don’t have to make the right impression, I have to make the wrong impression, it’s not possible to make any true impression, I only have to make the right impression to myself, (and even that is unknown).

“You have put so much energy into building a prison for yourself. Now spend as much on demolishing it. In fact, demolition is easy, for the false dissolves when it is discovered.” ~ Nisargaddata

Much Love, Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

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When You Question Your Thoughts About Sexuality…

Today is the last day of the 8 week teleclass I’ve been facilitating called Our Wonderful Sexuality.

It was a small class this time. It’s a funny class that way. People really want to investigate their thoughts about sex and sexuality, but then they hesitate, decide….nevermind.

A couple of people dropped out early on to go to individual sessions instead. They always do in this particular class.

“It’s too hard to do The Work on sexual stuff with other people…too embarrassing, I’ll do it by myself. I can’t talk about situations where people were naked, especially ME!”

But I love what is revealed for the brave souls who dare to do The Work on sex, moments involving attraction or encounters with others, whether uncomfortable or boring or frustrating or disgusting.

There is so much in the moments where sexual expression was possible, or actually happened, or is remembered…you can almost spend months and months just on looking at feelings of attraction, sexual encounters, your experience of sexuality…

….and learn a huge amount about yourself and your thoughts about relationships.

Even relationships that have nothing to do with sexual expression.

Really, in the end, the same kinds of objections appear in these moments as in many other moments with humans.

That person is coming on too strong, they don’t care about me, they aren’t interesting to me, they’re trying to control me, I want to feel good in that person’s presence but I don’t because they are too “x”, they are too pushy, they should ask me what I want, they should back off, they are too passive, I’ll get hurt, someone else will get hurt, we already got hurt.

These kinds of evaluations seem to be going on constantly in the middle of regular conversations and meetings with others, and then they also drone on in even the relationships with our beloved partners.

As we were all on the phone together at some point during the past two months, I remembered several moments where there were sparks happening between me and another person….

….and then the awareness of how often I had thought it was too much or not enough.

Hardly ever just right.

Kind of the same thoughts I had about food and eating that I mentioned in another Grace Note very recently.

So many objections! And never getting to the “just right”.

But who would you be, without the the belief that someone in the world who you felt sensual or sexual interest in should have been more or less of something?

Keep that situation in your mind, and put the pause button on it, and really sit with that image.

Who would you be without your story?

WITH the story, I’ve heard many inquirers do things like bolt, break off the relationship, chase after the relationship, ask for change, feel disappointed, try to change themselves.

Whew, it’s a ton of work!

Without the thought, there’s a natural and easy movement. The very first thing I find happening, is a return to being inside myself, to being with me. I’m connected completely with myself and enjoying the energy and joy of this other person with no expectations.

You may move away, you may stay present and keep the conversation going, you may get closer.

Without thought in that situation where something happens and you have a response, without judgment or criticism or “it should be different” you naturally move a certain direction….only you know which way is right for you.

I love the turnarounds most of all in these inquiries.

I am coming on too strong with my objections or my hesitations, I don’t care about myself, I am not interesting to ME, I’m trying to control them or control myself, it’s really OK to notice if I feel good or bad in someone’s presence and move where I need to, I am too “x”, they aren’t too pushy, I am too pushy, I should ask myself what I want, I should back off from all these judgments, I am too passive, I won’t get hurt unless I hurt myself, I’m getting healed (not hurt). 

I love not believing my thoughts about the people I see in my memories, in my mind, where I thought difficult encounters happened.

And I notice those scenes I’m replaying in my head are….movies.

They aren’t actually happening right now. They happened a long time ago.

As Byron Katie asks regularly…”are those people you are seeing in your mind images, or the actual people?”

Images of course. Never the actual people.

“When I hear people say that they love someone and want to be loved in return, I know they’re not talking about love. They’re talking about something else….Love joins everything, without condition. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare; it looks forward to it and then inquires. There is no way to join except to get free of your belief that you want something from your partner. That’s true joining.” ~ Byron Katie

This doesn’t mean I don’t ask for what I want, I am free to ask!

The answer is yes, or no, I move from there.

Now, after an enormous amount of wonderful work on wonderful sexuality, I notice I am in a beautiful, loving, exciting, fun, playful, joyful relationship with a man who I’m married to and we’ve been together six years, and it keeps getting better and better.

I never would have thought that possible.

Sure, there are moments of the old thoughts coming in, patterns, ideas, expectations….they simply can’t be taken very seriously.

They can’t be believed.

Thank God! Thank inquiry!

What

Would

Happen if God leaned down

And gave you a full wet

Kiss?

Hafiz

Doesn’t mind answering astronomical questions

Like that:

You would surely start

Reciting all day, inebriated,

Rogue-poems

Like

This.

~ Hafiz

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

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Mindfulness: Doing Nothing Is Easier Than You Think

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Martin Luther Kind and Thich Nhat Hahn: Peacemakers

Thich Nhat Hanh is a rather famous meditation teacher and spiritual leader in the Buddhist tradition.

Not long ago, I was listening to him talk about being mindful in every moment.

He said he enjoyed breathing mindfully, pouring and drinking his tea mindfully, walking mindfully, bringing his mind home to the present, using concentration.

Ahhhh. Good. Yes, cool.

But wait. THEN, he said something about sitting on your computer for three hours and forgetting you have a body.

Or walking very fast to get from here to there. Or eating quickly because you’re super hungry but you can’t be bothered to stop to enjoy the taste. Or holding it when you have to pee because you’re absorbed in something.

These are not mindful.

Um. Oh.

Mindfulness. It’s sooooo slow, though. It’s not exactly “exciting”. It can’t be that easy!

I mean, I have work to do. Programs to create, service to provide, money to make, success to achieve.

A great teacher and mentor of mine asked me “What do you want? If you could have one thing, what would it be…the thing you want the most?”

Really, really. What. Do. You. Want?

And then I realized…I don’t even know.

Awakening? Success? Ecstasy?

Suddenly I remembered….this allowing the mind to rest here in the body, including every sense, aware of everything here in the present, is pretty easy.

Like, crazy ridiculous easy. You don’t have to do anything.

Literally…nothing. You can stop trying. Stop looking for what is wanted.

It is not only easy…it is joyful.

“When you breathe in, you know you are alive. Because someone who is dead doesn’t breathe anymore. Breathing in, I know I am alive. I have a body. I can get in touch with the many wonders of life. Sunshine. Rain. Flowers. River. People. Joy, right away. Joy is born from mindfulness, concentration, insight.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Even if something difficult is happening. Sickness, loss, break-ups, destruction, suffering.

Even if I *think* this is not enough, just couldn’t be good enough, best enough, fine enough, big enough….

….I stop, anyway.

Who would you be without the thought that your present moment, this moment, is not quite enough, or missing something? That you have to get somewhere else, besides here right now?

I’d relax so deeply, it would be amazing.

Instead of “I WOULD relax so deeply, it WOULD be amazing” the whole experience suddenly becomes “I AM relaxed so deeply, this IS amazing.”

Turning the thoughts around: right here, right now, is enough, is plenty, is more than enough. 

It is overflowing, full, moving, alive.

Even if I’m crying, or afraid, or disappointed…these emotions are not all that is happening in this moment, there is much more.

Who are you right now without any belief that you need more than mindfulness, awareness, being still? That you need more than imagining who you would be without thought?

It’s a fun mystery.

“Each separate being returns to the common source. Returning to the source is serenity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #16

Much Love,  Grace

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Thank You, Critical People

I love what I’ve learned from Byron Katie about criticism.

I thought about it today when the Year of Inquiry group took a deep dive into investigating the belief “my dad shouldn’t have been so critical.”

Dang.

This thought has been one I’ve thought MANY times about people.

That rude, mean woman…she is so judgmental! That snobbish guy, he is so critical! My grandpa…he was so controlling! That boyfriend was so demanding, so condemning! That teacher was so belittling!

I love doing this exercise: write down the words that critical person said, or implied, and see what is so difficult about them.

For example.

There was a woman I worked on a project with quite some time ago. We were on a board together. She apparently had been talking about my behavior to another leader, without my knowing about it.

I had the thought she was super hyper critical and it wasn’t fair.

Years later, doing this exercise, I wrote down what I could remember her actually saying, and how her face looked, that frightened and angered me.

Here was the list: Grace makes mistakes, she’s not paying close attention, she’s not being a team player, she doesn’t volunteer for parts of the work we need to get done, she never copies me on emails, it doesn’t seem like she cares.

This person talked to me a whole lot. I would think to myself “I wish she’d stop talking” but I never said anything. It felt like she chattered away without taking a breath.

And then on top of all that running off of her mouth, she was criticizing me behind my back.

But I did this exercise, after questioning my thoughts about her being so critical. Why did I think of these things as critical? Why did her saying these things to me creating a feeling of defense or justification inside me?

Could these things be true?

Did I make mistakes? Yes. I flubbed up months and days and put in the wrong time on reports. I accidentally made computer data entry errors. I wasn’t paying close attention.

I also wasn’t a team player. I was sitting there thinking she was blabbing on all the time and never stepped in and tried to connect with her, I just wrote her off. I decided I didn’t like her. Not very teamish.

It was absolutely true that I didn’t volunteer for parts of the project that had to get done. I’d think when we went over the to-do list “ew, I’m not doing that drudgery thing, I want the good jobs”.

I was afraid I couldn’t even do some of the jobs, and never even asked for help. I felt intimidated.

And it was also totally true that I didn’t copy this woman on emails that she might have found interesting. I was fearful of her criticism, so I avoided letting her know what was going on.

I didn’t care enough to speak up, tell the truth, bare my soul, say how uncomfortable and unhappy I was in my relationship to her.

She was right.

Here’s the interesting thing that happened….

I did this work internally. I had very little contact with that person anymore, so it was all something I was doing at a quiet internal level, on my own.

I began to see benefits for her behavior. I saw how she was brave to speak up about me, even if it wasn’t to my face. I never spoke up to her face either, so she was one step more brave than me who kept it all inside. I saw how she was willing to tell her truth. I saw how much she valued connection and honesty.

Plus, after it all came out, and I learned she was talking about me and criticizing me, I snapped out of my passive insecure never-speaking-up behavior.

I pulled it together and started doing a really excellent job. I checked my work so I didn’t make stupid clerical mistakes that would mess people up later. I took more ownership. I connected. I got more honest.

I was still fuming half the time, but I also did The Work constantly, regularly, on this person….and I still did The Work later on this person when I didn’t see her anymore.

And one day, I ran into her and another person who had also worked on the same project.

This mean, critical, bitchy woman turned to the other person who had been connected to our project and said “Grace really did great things back then, she made fabulous contributions, she became really accomplished and made a big difference.”

I walked away thinking….

….wow.

Because I knew what she said, she meant.

She doesn’t make up fake nice stuff.

And I had to see the turnaround was more true. She wasn’t critical, she was appreciative, generous with her honesty.

She called me out to be bigger than I was being. She called me into being greater than I thought I could be.

Come to think of it, every single person who has ever criticized me has done that.

EVERY ONE.

“Criticism is an immense gift for those who are interested in self-realization. For those who aren’t, welcome to hell, welcome to being at war with your partner, your neighbors, your children, your boss. When you open your arms to criticism, you are your own direct path to freedom, because you can’t change us or what we think about you. You are your only way to stand with a friend as a friend, even when she perceives you as an enemy. And until you can be intimate with us however badly we think of you, your Work isn’t done.” ~ Byron Katie

 

Much Love,  Grace