Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Quitting Doesn’t Work

The thought to QUIT something is a common and understandable human strategy for managing difficult situations. Since that experience was bad…I’m never going to have it again!! I quit!

  • You want me to do WHAT on this job?! I quit!!
  • Constantly bending over backwards for money? I quit!
  • Uncomfortable with eating, smoking, drinking, using? I quit!
  • Feeling very annoyed or unhappy in this relationship? I quit!
  • Angry, hurt, afraid of “x”? I quit!
  • Despairing with the state of this world, of life? I quit!

In many situations, people decide to take the path of renunciation. It feels easiest, most clear, most precise, perhaps the most powerful.

Renunciates, in many religious traditions, are those who have made vows to give up many things; wealth, possessions, and passion (sexuality). People can often see the benefit in what it would be like to never have lust, longing, desire, wanting.

In both Christian and Buddhist, and many other religious paths, the freedom offered by renunciating the world and our needs in it are considered holy. More spiritual. I can get down to the business of communing with God, Spirit, Source, Universe.

I was very drawn to this approach to problem-solving. Instead of being so frustrated with not getting what I want, I would just quit asking, quit looking for it. I would QUIT WANTING!

Boy, that approach sure didn’t work. I could suppress, smash down, abandon, reject, deny, yield, veto myself, and give up and it would feel 100% forever! Never again will I speak to that person! Never again will I binge-eat!

In a matter of time…the struggle would reappear. I would need more resolve or a bigger will.

When I was 19 I decided I was going to be detached from now on (I quit!) from my past. I was going to be in the present moment. My past did not matter. I was going to stop repeating patterns.

I became fascinated with monks and renunciates, with devotees who stepped away from normal life. I became a Comparative Religion major in college (before I quit!)

In this world but NOT of it! Screw this world!

I packed everything I owned into my car. I went to the dump. I watched like a pure observer as all my school yearbooks, my photo albums, my journals, my favorite books, most of my clothes, my special childhood toys, my keepsakes fell from my hands into the enormous and deep hole that would then be trucked off into the garbage pits.

A grand purge of anything from my past history. Ready to start fresh and new.

Unfortunately, to my deepest despair, I found that it did not work. Just like diets, berating myself, being harsh, hating myself, or making plans to “get rid” of things. Rats.

There had to be another way.

I began to realize, even back then before I had encountered Byron Katie, that inquiry actually comes alive in all of us, in whatever way it can—-it is waiting. The mind begins to question itself. It wonders. It asks. It believes. It repeats itself, it is very persistent.

So I stopped renunciating, I stopped quitting. I stopped all “New Years Resolutions”. I stopped big grand sweeping Rejections. Only because they didn’t ever seem to work. They didn’t actually feel good, and I couldn’t stick with them.

It is such a strange and great paradox, because even though I quit quitting…I knew that I could live lovingly and peacefully, without the pain of wanting something to be different. I just KNEW it was possible.

It may seem counter-intuitive, a little crazy perhaps, somewhat confusing….but the way beyond “quitting” is to study the very thing I want to quit.

I open to this situation and allow it to be here. In fact, I know that since this situation brings up a lot of feelings, and thoughts, it is full of teaching. It is full of the possibility of discovery, of enlightenment.

So that thing, that person, that behavior, those thoughts, those feelings, that job, that relationship, that substance that you imagine “quitting”….write them down. Write down everything you hate about it and love about it. Use the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Then begin to inquire. Study and investigate your most painful thoughts and feelings. It’s like taking inventory (this is done in the 12 Step programs). Don’t quit it! Study it all!

Here is the amazing thing that can come from this simple process: The things that you wanted to quit? They will quit you.

Ram Tzu knows this…

You are perfect.
Your every defect
Is perfectly defined.
Your every blemish
Is perfectly placed.
Your every absurd action
Is perfectly timed.
Only God could make
Something this ridiculous
Work.
Ram Tzu , NO WAY for the Spiritually “Advanced”

Love, Grace

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Is Loving What Is Doing Nothing?

We all know Byron Katie’s famous quote “argue with reality and you’ll lose…but only 100% of the time”. What does arguing with reality actually mean?

What does loving or accepting reality mean?

On the most simple level, it’s easy to see when there is an argument. That shouldn’t be that way! I hate her! He drives me crazy! They should change! There is something wrong with me! There’s not enough!

The feeling of an argument is probably familiar for most humans—angry energy, furious or irritated words, silence with tight body language, terror, sadness, hardness. One big “NOOOOOOOO!”

It doesn’t matter how loud or how quiet the experience, it is gripping, against, resisting, hating, running…people feel like punching, sobbing, panicking, escaping, judging, attacking internally or out loud.

Recently, several people have asked me something I’ve arrived at quite a few years ago after doing The Work for awhile: Does loving reality make you passive?

Why would I do anything if I was happy with what is? Why would I try to leave someone, move, take action, create, lose weight, quit drinking, research my disease, learn about my child’s disability, earn more money?

What I found, and continue to find with amazement really, is that loving powerfully is very active. Love is what is left after questioning stressful beliefs.

There is no need to “force” yourself to do anything, to “discipline” yourself to accomplish, to “push” yourself or others to get them to improve.

Love is actually always moving joyfully towards a magical kind of unfolding feeling, never static, always changing.

“Arguing with reality means arguing with the story of a past. It’s already over, and no thinking in the world can change it….The point is, how can you be most effective in this moment, given that what is, is? Seeing reality doesn’t mean you’re going to be passive. Why would you be passive when you can be clear and have a wonderful, sane life?…Seeing reality means that you can act in the kindest, most appropriate and most effective way.”~Byron Katie in Loving What Is

So in my past money situation, I had the belief that I MUST PUSH MYSELF to earn more money, ASAP. I noticed that was a very stressful belief.

I also believed in the past I needed to “set boundaries” with people or “go on a diet/food plan” and GET TOUGH, get disciplined, take out the whip….or nothing would happen.

I DID believe that if I didn’t PUSH….I wouldn’t do anything to change, grow, evolve, get unstuck. I’d stay the same….which by the way wasn’t good enough.

But now, after questioning stressful and painful thoughts, I notice that I follow the flow so much more. I do what I can, I have a spark of light energy….it’s just there. I think it always was.

When things are tough, difficult, painful, unhappy, these are the tricky places. Like learning you have cancer, or finding out your bank account was just cleaned out….but when you DO NOT HATE it, you start moving from that spot, right here in the present, with clarity, aliveness, passion.

You don’t have to LOVE it. That may be a bit much. But how Upset we are does not take over our whole experience.

You’ll notice you do things like call the police, consult a colleague, hire a lawyer, take medicine.

The most wonderful turnaround to practice, to find examples for, is “I have to relax to succeed”. I have to relax to make more money, lose weight, stop drinking, get healthy, end the war. You can’t relax and participate in a war, I notice.

Right in this scary, worrisome, awful, irritating, or uncomfortable situation…you will stay present with a sense of opening to What Is, right in the moment, under the surface.

I notice I write down what I hope to do this week, I schedule appointments and plans for the future, I write, I create new curriculums, I plan an awesome body workshop next summer, I pay all my bills, I open the mail, I sweep the kitchen floor, I work with clients.

I watch my thoughts rise and fall, I notice them when they are troubling, I write them down when they repeat themselves. If this was my last day on earth, it’s a good day. No worries about the future, and yet plans on the calendar. Fun.

“When I want what I have, thought and action aren’t separate; they move as one, without conflict. If you find anything lacking, ever, write down your thought and inquire. I find that life never falls short and doesn’t require a future. Everything I need is always supplied, and I don’t have to do anything for it…..There is nothing more exciting than loving what is.”~Byron Katie

Imagine what it would be like to not think you have to push yourself to achieve something? Imagine not thinking that if you loved what is, you would be passive, unloving, boring, stuck, inactive, unmoving, or crazy?

Who would you be without that thought?

Love, Grace

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Being Sick Happens

Being sick or having pain in the body is typically difficult for most humans.

This hurts. It should stop. I need help. This is a problem.

Here is this body, which normally we think of as “ours”, which we’re inhabiting.  It’s making noise right now. It’s bringing attention to itself, or part of itself, it seems.

So what do we mean by “this is a problem”?

I just had a fever for about 30 hours, sleeping from 7:00 pm until dawn two nights in a row. Very unusual. It appears to be gone this morning, although my stomach still hurts and is very tender to the touch.

Part of the mind kicks into high gear “What did I eat? What could this be? Am I reacting to that flu shot? Where’s the Tylenol? I must do everything I can to get rid of this.”

The mind is interested in the past and the future. What happened (so I can understand it and prevent it) and what can I do to get rid of it in the future. Hopefully the NEAR future.

But with inquiry, something else also arises with sickness or pain, I’ve noticed. I feel all the sensations and strangely, without really trying, I begin to find advantages. I’m not kidding, this happens almost as quickly as the resistance to the pain. Weird.

So what is good about this fever state over the past couple of days? What is useful? Even just a drop of usefulness…it doesn’t have to be amazing, life-changing, or fantastic.

  • I happen to be traveling, on my way to a meditation retreat, so with this stomach pain increasing I notice how well I still move from point A to point B, just at a slower pace.
  • I don’t have to worry about finding something good to eat for lunch when I get off the plane.
  • I go straight to a hotel room instead of exploring the area, I spend the day by myself quietly, I go to sleep for 12 hours.
  • I participate in the meditation retreat even though my whole body is pulsing with fever and all my bones ache, I know being right here is fabulous and better than anywhere else.
  • I notice that I completely forget about my body for sections of time, because my mind gets very interested in the teaching, the conversation, the questions raised by participants in this retreat.
  • I don’t think about where or how to exercise, run or move the body in the usual daily practice I have of doing that.
  • I remember how this body is not all of me, it is some kind of vehicle, it will die and dissolve one day, it has a limited life span, this physical thing is all temporary…for me and for everyone. That’s the way of it.
  • I realize how vulnerable this body is, and get the chance once again to contemplate this vulnerability as NOT being terrible. Could it even be beautiful? Vulnerability, after all, is open, sensitive, delicate, gentle and without defense. Quiet and fearless.

Then suddenly I am amazed. Feeling ill has brought this reflection on the temporary nature of this body. I could die this weekend (although probably not, chuckle).

I see how this one part of my mind doesn’t like that idea. It feels afraid of dying. It is against pain and accidents and sickness. It demands wellness at all times.

I laugh, though, because that Dictator Defender part of the mind, I see, is only afraid.

It thinks that “I” am this body…that I am important as this body. It thinks that if this body dies, then “I” will end and that is BAD.

The Dictator Defender thinks there is danger lurking here.

I need to LIVE!!!

Really? Is it true? What for?

The world will continue to revolve, life will spring up everywhere, in fact right now in the present moment, life and death are happening all over the place.

The people I love and who love me will go on and have amazing adventures…that would happen whether I was alive or dead actually.

Reality, the Universe, All This…seems to be changing constantly; unstable, morphing, moving, undulating, alive, transforming.

I discover here, with sickness, that I imagined that I would miss something if I were ill. That it would be better if I were not ill. I absolutely cannot know that this is true.

In fact, I’m pretty dang sure in this moment that it is incredible to have been feverish for a day and a half. I just learned or re-learned that what I truly am is not this body.

I am a part of a great Consciousness that continues, exists, and contains everything, where things within it come and go. This body doesn’t matter, really.

“In the beginning was the Tao. All things issue from it; all things return to it….Seeing into darkness is clarity. Knowing how to yield is strength. Use your own light and return to the source of light. This is called practicing eternity.”~Tao Te Ching #52

Maybe it is not sad that this body doesn’t matter. Just imagine if it wasn’t. Maybe it is not frightening, or depressing, or shocking.

Who would you be without that thought that you need this body, you need this body to be healthy, you need to live, or you need to defend against vulnerability, sickness or death?

Wow. I would be observing. Noticing. Amazed. Watching. Here Now. Not Afraid. Not Against.

I would also take Tylenol and drink lots of water. Which I did.

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The Secret Hush Hush Topic

The topic of sexuality and sexual expression fills a lot of the human race with resistance, anxiety, repulsion or anger.

So much so, that I almost don’t want to write about it, even though it’s one of my favorite topics and I love assisting people through their beliefs about it in individual sessions and teleclasses. I love where I’ve landed after doing The Work on tons of concepts around sexuality.

Some people will actually think “I prefer not to think about sex, talk about sex, be aware of sex, or be concerned about sex! Ever!”

It’s like we’re talking about something very painful, or sick, or confusing. So let’s just sweep it under the rug .

Or more like, bury it 20 feet under the ground with no markers for where it is, just in case we get the wild thought to dig it up some day.

Many people grow up in families that felt both interested in sexuality and its expression, and confused or against sexuality in varying degrees.

There are many revolving rules, attempts to control sex, do’s and don’t’s:

  • only have sex with one person and don’t ever switch or change your mind
  • focus on pleasing the other not yourself
  • don’t talk about sex too much, don’t use “crude” sex words
  • don’t even think or fantasize about others if you’re in a committed relationship
  • if you really, really want sex with someone, you won’t feel satisfied until you have it!
  • there’s something wrong with you if you don’t know what you really want
  • there’s something wrong with you if you’re SURE you know what you want
  • keep doing it even if you don’t get that much out of it, because your partner wants it, and they may not stay with you if you don’t!
  • stay away from those nasty, sicko, creepy people who are violent, who use porn, who are attracted to children
  • don’t say No because that might hurt someone
  • don’t say Yes because that might hurt someone
  • have sex with strangers or people you don’t have to talk with much
  • you must make sure you are attractive if you want sex
  • it is possible to be unattractive
  • only have sex with people you “love” (whatever that means)
  • get sex from the internet or pictures or paid venues—no strings attached that way, no need to care about anyone but yourself
  • banish sex from your interests because its too complicated
  • be very careful when it comes to anything having to do with sex…careful careful careful!
  • control yourself!!!

Not only do we have all kinds of alarm about our own sexual feelings, but we’re often terrified of other people’s sexual feelings, or their LACK of sexual feelings.

Good/Bad…Right/Wrong…Yes/No…Turned On/Turned Off…Passionate/Bored

Just a small gesture, a tiny comment, a look or raised eyebrow can set our minds off into thinking “WHAT DID THAT MEAN?!”

We think we know what it means. Or we don’t want to risk finding out what it means—too scary (which is the same as thinking we know what it means).

Even though sexuality seems so fraught with nerve-wracking thoughts and feelings…..really, this amazing topic is about communicating, just like talking.

Humans making contact with other humans.

Just like every other situation, our thoughts that feel uncomfortable, fearful or disgusted about sex are temple bells ringing, saying “ding-a-ling! This is bothering you! Time for inquiry!”

When I was younger, I absolutely believed that if I felt sexual, I was playing with fire. Dangerous territory. Gross. Yet I continued to feel sexual. It would just appear. Like most people!

I didn’t even ask more thoroughly WHY this might be dangerous….the explanation that you can get pregnant (horrifying) or get diseases or have a bad reputation were the obvious repeated reasons. Those things were all assumed to be BAD BAD BAD.

Basically, my parents wouldn’t approve. Or my grandparents. And probably not their grandparents either. Or my family religion. Or my neighbors, friends, or their parents.

One little problem was that my grandfather appeared to be interested in sex. Most kids notice SOMEONE who is more blatant about sexuality. Or they see a sign on a building that says GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS and they learn not to ask about it.

So, apparently sex is allowed, but only over there for those people, hidden away.

Something was DEFINITELY wrong with my grandpa, that was obvious. He had Playboy magazines and a baseball hat that had written on it “dirty old men need love too”.

Jeez, didn’t he get it? Was he stupid or something? Why would he subject himself to ridicule or admit he was interested in THAT?

I was already filled with moral judgment about the wrongness of his behavior.

When someone is particularly forceful…when they do very intense things like rape, molest, abuse, spend tons of money in the sex industry, chase, manipulate, or physically control others, we often cast them into hell in our minds.

There is nothing wrong with staying away from people who scare you, this is not a weird test of learning to handle everything, but every area of pain offers amazing opportunity for expansion of the mind. Freedom from fear, attack, judgment, condemnation. Genuine acceptance. Including sexuality.

“To exclude anything that appears in your universe is not love. Love joins with everything. It doesn’t exclude the monster. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare—it looks forward to it.~ Byron Katie

I have found that to question my rules about others and about sex, I find great peace with my own experiences; my feelings, what happened to me (which is now over), what I invited, what I thought I wanted, how I live now.

It is absolutely incredible to not have to reject, rebel, fight against, feel enraged, push, long for, control, or suppress what I’m thinking or feeling.

It seems that what has occurred, by having troubling experiences and then bringing them to inquiry and dropping the rules and judgments, is that sexual expression for me is entirely clear, fun, happy, passionate, awake and wonderful.

Anyone can do it. All you need is a pen and paper and then to start writing down all your beliefs that produce anger, resentment, dischord, or fear in you.

Go ahead and pull back the rug and let’s clean it up under there. Let’s dig up the beliefs that have been buried underground so deep.

This is just inquiry, it doesn’t mean to take action, or do anything at all for that matter. This is about watching, observing, noticing and staying with yourself, to find out the truth, for you, before anyone taught you anything.

In fact, it may be most peaceful NOT to do anything, except inquiry.

“When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. Therefore the Master acts without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.”~Tao Te Ching #2

If you’re ready to do this in a group setting, with guidance, then join Our Wonderful Sexuality this week, there is one space left for the Thursday evening group.

If you’re not ready for a group….go for it on your own. You can free yourself with your own answers…and potentially change your entire life.

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Are You Sure You Want That?

Have you ever noticed that anticipation can be very exciting and fun…..or very nauseating and difficult? The exciting kind reminds me of when child has waited for a birthday party for weeks and now is the day!

Yippee! Hands clapping! Can’t wait! I’m right on the edge of happiness, relief, fun, celebration, satisfaction!

Baited breath! I’m about to get what I REALLY WANT!

I remember starting to date a man at one time….well, OK, this happened with several (I confess!) and noticing that I was waiting for the next time I would see him, or hear from him, or receive a phone call from him.

I wonder if he’ll call today, I wonder if he’s thinking of me like I am thinking of him, I wonder if we’ll get together this weekend, I wonder if this will continue for awhile, I wonder if he’s a good match for me overall, I wonder wonder wonder.

There was a moment when I needed to go to the bathroom and I turned back as I left my bedroom to get my cell phone, to take it with me to the bathroom! What if he called while I stepped away for 5 minutes! OMG!

I couldn’t miss that call! I wanted that call! I’m about to get what I want, I hope!!

As I looked at the bathroom floor where I put my cell phone while there, it dawned on me that this moment, here now, I was not relaxed, happy, enjoying my own company. I was filled with the thought “I NEED HIM TO CALL ME”.

This was not the way I wanted to live my life, not the way I wanted to live this moment.

I saw myself and how attached I was to hope for this thing happening. What the heck was I doing?

When this moment, the one right here now, is less than perfect, anticipation has a little more “weight” to it. Pun intended.

The anticipation has a “wait” to it that is full of feeling: hope, anxiety, frustration, intensity, demand.

And when THIS moment is VERY imperfect. Like excruciating, uncomfortable, disappointing, boring or harsh….then the anticipation might be more desperate.

Everyone has experienced having to wait for something and having the thought “I can’t wait! I hate this!” Waiting for this bad feeling to be eliminated, waiting for relief, waiting for a once-in-a-lifetime event, waiting for end of the work day, waiting for the bottle of alcohol.

Waiting for whatever you think will take you out of Now, that will be better than Now.

It’s going to be better later, once I have the information, glass of wine, free time, sex, happy feelings, extra cash, new house, different job, phone call.

I knew I needed to do The Work, in that moment of awareness. I needed to question the thought “I need him to call me.”

Right here, right now, under the influence of Waiting, something within us is absent.

Eckhart Tolle and many other spiritual teachers talk about our peace being in this present moment. Now. So simple, but when thinking the thought of the future…there is NO peace in this present moment.

So what is happening when Now is full of images of me almost getting what I want, when Now is not as good as it will be later?

First, I notice that this Now (that is not as good as it will be) feels small. I’m not aware of everything that is happening here. It’s hard to pay attention to this moment, actually, I’m very distracted about the future possibilities.

I find one of my favorite questions is “what is making me feel this way?”

It can be hard to find out. A wonderful doorway in to reaching this awareness is to identify what we’re thinking, believing or repeating to ourselves over and over.

HOLY COW we can be thinking volumes of stressful thoughts, beliefs, ideas. How can we possibly narrow it all down?

By slowing down, sifting and and sorting. Trusting that you will know. Identifying the most obvious stressful belief…the one on top.

This is one of my favorite parts of the one-to-one counseling relationship, by the way, when a therapeutic relationship can be so incredibly useful. A counselor or therapist can help ask the most effective questions, can help capture them, make them known.

Those years ago, when I took the phone into the bathroom with me and saw myself suddenly and the discomfort of that moment, the next thing I did was go to my couch with a pen and paper.

I wrote down “I need him to call me”.

I asked myself if it was true. Really? Do I really need that? No, chuckle…of course not! I’m fine! Breathing, alive.

Do I need him to call me for my emotional happiness? Is that what I need? Absolutely not true. Wow.

How I react when I think I need or want something that is NOT happening right now is not very peaceful, that’s for sure.

Without the thought that I need this thing, that I want it (you fill in the blank) then what would your experience be instead? What do you notice?

Without the thought that I want something or need something to be happy (or happier) then his moment is bigger, richer, fuller. I see much more right here. I am so much more aware. I hear sounds, see colors, notice the furniture in the room. I feel my own body, I am more alive.

I turn the thought around “I do not need him to call me”. I sit with that concept and find examples of how this is true.

Could it be true that you do not need, or even want, what you thought you wanted? Is it possible that what you want is present here, now? Or that it’s fine if the things you think you want are NOT here right now?

What did I want, for example, back in that moment so long ago? Connection, attention, love, laughter, flirtation, fun, happiness, adventure.

Do I have to have these things RIGHT NOW in order to have a good life?

No. In fact, things go up and down, life is not static. It flows. In and out, life and death, here and gone, back and forth.

Not always trying to get to the “good” parts or “high” parts or away from the “bad” parts of the journey is such a relief. So much less pressure, no pushing or pulling. Less waiting. Maybe no waiting at all. Here, now.

“Hoping for something in the future disconnects you from who you really are. The orientation of expectation or of having a goal to accomplish does the same thing. For example, you may be thinking that one of these days, you are going to be enlightened, so you are working at it now. Light would never think that way; it doesn’t posit an end state in which everything is going to be wonderful, and it doesn’t say that we have to practice now in order to get to that goal. For light, that is completely nonsensical; there is just now. Now is just wonderful the way it is, and now is all that we have.”~A. H. Almaas in The Unfolding Now

After that day noticing my phone in the bathroom with me…I stopped taking my phone everywhere. I discovered that what I really wanted was to be here, with me, in my own company, not waiting.

What I notice I really want is awareness of what is present here with me RIGHT NOW. This feels like what I can do, I can’t wait for all that other stuff to change so that I can be happier. I notice something is off when I am waiting for someone to call.

“I need me to call myself right now.” Yes, that turnaround is the most true.

Ring Ring Ring—Hello Grace? This is Grace! WOW! I’ve been meaning to sit with you and have a really good talk.…

Love, Grace

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Wanting To Be The Boss Of Everything

I was reflecting this morning in quiet meditation before getting out of bed about how frequently I’ve heard others speak about their belief of not being enough.

They come to me to work on their terribly uncomfortable experiences of being abandoned by another human being, they come to work on not having enough money, on having too many conflicts with other people at work, on sadness around their children.

Everyone has stressful beliefs, it seems. And many, many of their beliefs point back to this underlying feeling: I am just not big enough, loveable enough, kind enough, fun enough, good enough.

Just so irksome, because I would prefer to be enough, and to be the boss of the universe.

Me, all by my little self is just such a tiny miniscule drop in the big ocean of the universe, and this is NOT a good thing. It’s weird at best, horrendous at worst. I have no power to change “THIS” stuff that I don’t like.

I began to feel this way about life during my first memories. I remember discovering with shock at age five that I was expected to go to school every day. When school first started, I thought it was a superbly fun idea and that my parents somehow were involved in getting me there….but as soon as I didn’t want to go anymore I was AMAZED that what I wanted didn’t matter in that moment.

I was going whether I wanted to or not, it turned out.

When I was about 8 years old my mother went to something called Weight Watchers. I learned that sometimes people on this planet have a problem with their bodies. They don’t like how they look! OR, they are thinking about food all the time (or other substances) and also thinking, at the same time practically, that they DON’T want to think about them.

When I was 10 years old I was swimming with my dad. My dad dove off the diving board into the pool and a few seconds later came to the surface with red blood coming out into the water from his head. Lots of activity happened, people were talking loudly with big sounds, rushing around, my dad was holding his head and getting slowly out of the pool in the shallow end, it looked like he was stumbling.

There is a flurry of images, activity, then fear. Then watching or acting, just movement happening. Things comes back to center, they calm down. People go to the hospital, healing occurs.

Things break apart, then come together. That appears to be the way of it.

But this feeling inside that I WANT TO FIX IT starts to grow, for some more than others. THIS IS AWFUL, I CAN’T STAND IT, IT WILL NOT BE OK, I HAVE NO POWER TO HELP.

Not enough, not enough, not enough. This thing that just happened is really not good, it should never happen again. I’m afraid.

When I was about 15 I started believing more acutely than ever that I was not good enough. I was selfish, I wanted stuff for myself, I wanted to be supported and secure. I wanted people to like me, I cared about other peoples’ opinions. I didn’t think there was enough love to go around.

I started hating my body. I started noticing that I wanted to eat like a pig, to stuff food in, to eat voraciously.

The more self-hating I got, the more critical, mean and nasty, the more I looked at myself and said “God, you could do so much better…” the more I wanted to eat.

And then, of course, the voice only got louder. So I started to seek for answers to this terrible problem called “Me”.

Then, something happened. The voice got so loud, the pain got so severe, and I felt so defeated and beaten to a pulp, that I became willing to open myself to other ways of thinking. It was either that or die, it seemed.

I was introduced to the idea that I could love myself just the way I am. And that meant, also, loving the world just the way IT is.

To those of us self-haters….this is a very foreign concept. If I love myself here, now, and the world around me….then how will I improve?

Oops….wait. To love myself means I need no improvement.

It means the WORLD needs no improvement.

Mothers don’t like their bodies, fathers get their heads cut, children have to go to school. These things seem to happen.

It is thinking that something actually needs to change that creates the feeling “I am not enough”.

I am powerless over the way the planet is run, it turns out. That is the reality of all this.

Doh! Gosh….and I thought I wanted to be the boss of everything!

Could it be that you’re enough, just as you are, in this moment, right in this situation, with things happening around you that feel uncomfortable?

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old”~Tao Te Ching #55

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Cravings Revisited Over and Over and Over

Cravings can come in the form of many kinds of wanting. As many of you know, one of my favorite portals into a relationship with my deepest self was studying my cravings for food and overeating.

Recently, I re-read one of my own posts from last spring about cravings. I’m including it here today a little modified.

Cravings can come in so many forms….not only food, but other things we ingest, and then also in the form of thinking. Like a huge thirst to KNOW and seek, get, hope-to-find.

The pain enters when we have the thought “I crave it uncontrollably” as many Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass participants discovered. They found this to be a very stressful belief. The assumption being, of course, that the craving shouldn’t be there, and that I myself should stop it if it is.

The feeling of craving anything uncontrollably can be extremely painful and desperate. Whether a substance, or a person, or money, or for someone to be with you again who is not longer here.

I’ve thought about craving and all it means many times in my life. Even though I don’t seem to get overwhelming urges or cravings for much in my life I still LOVE to look at the amazing sensation called craving.

Especially when people say it’s UNCONTROLLABLE!!!

Our teleclass group inquire into the concept “I crave it uncontrollably” and I was amazed by the process. As participants answered the simple question “how do you react
when you believe this thought that you crave something uncontrollably?” I noticed once again the way so many of us criticize, condemn, blame, and attack ourselves.

I am the one who craves things uncontrollably, and it’s really terrible. There’s something wrong with me.

Sometimes I still glimpse the feeling of craving, of wanting with a panic, an extremely deep ache. I can imagine something like…“if only my father were still alive” or “if only I had enough money to pay for everyone in my family” or “if only I had more time“….and what these thoughts might be like if they grew. Then it might feel like uncontrollable craving.

Because I found the Work it feels like such a relief to have spent lots of time questioning these things of life that I wish would get satisfied, the things I seem to want.

One of the most amazing experiences is the feeling of being with a craving and studying it, and not acting right away. What color is it? Where does it live? Where did it come from? What is it saying? What am I most afraid of in this moment? What’s the worst that could happen, if I stay here and if I don’t do anything to solve this craving?

OMG, not solve the craving??! But! I will….die!!  

Pema Chodron says “Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.” 

See if you really are out of control when you have that craving that seems so big.

Who would you be without that thought that you are out of control, that something is wrong with you, that your craving is altogether wrong, or that you shouldn’t have it in the first place?

What if this is a moment where you are meeting your edge. Maybe it has nothing to do with the thing you’re craving. See if you can sit still for 30 seconds. That may be all it takes to make a discovery.

What if nothing is wrong with you, even when you have a craving? What if it’s a voice, saying something, being the energy of craving….and you don’t have to hurt yourself to fulfill it, or even believe that you are unsatisfied right now, or desperate.

“If a country is governed with tolerance, the people are comfortable and honest. If a country is governed with repression, the people are depressed and crafty.”~Tao Te Ching #58

Govern your mind, the place where cravings arise, with tolerance today. Watch yourself feel more comfortable and honest. So much more pleasant than repression. No need for craftiness or depression. Just love. 

Much Love,

Grace
P.S. If your craving is for peace around sexuality and all kinds of sexual expression, then come join the teleclass that starts either Oct. 11th or Oct. 12th.

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Judging Those Creeper People

I love how self-inquiry, answering questions internally, or with a companion or facilitator, or in an amazing group of inquirers….is entirely and completely SAFE.

You are sitting, or lying, or standing or walking, and you are talking, thinking, remembering, imagining, and answering questions.

This present moment, for anyone who is actually “doing” inquiry, is simple, pretty gentle, meditative, connecting. You are breathing, having emotions, your heart is beating. You are alive.

The only thing happening that is difficult….and I’m not dismissing how difficult it can be…is thinking and feeling. Having thoughts, followed by or preceded by feelings.

It feels so painful to believe in pain. To know, on auto-pilot, without questioning it, that you were hurt back then, that you were capable of hurting someone else. It feels painful to know it happened. Painful to imagine the possibility of it happening once again.

Here comes the memory. You see it, even if you don’t want to see it! And your stomach contracts, you feel nauseated, angry, terrified, you have images of your family dying, or you dying, or the world ending, of awful things happening that you are certain you couldn’t stand.

I forget sometimes when I am having a big, heavy, enormous feeling that it is just a feeling. I forget to look around and see that I am OK in this present moment.

Today I re-read one of the most profound stories, for me, that is in the book Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It is the story of a woman remembering the horrors she experienced being sexually abused as a child.

One of the worst, most hellish stories of humanity. This is right up there with war, violence, people doing things to other people with force.

Doing The Work is about looking profoundly at even this kind of experience.

Especially this kind.

When I first read the story in Katie’s book and thought about serious childhood abuse of this kind, I was pretty horrified. How could anyone ever get over that? How could someone stop walking around in their present life without wanting to protect themselves from ever having that kind of thing happen ever again?

There are a lot of distractions offered on the planet to manage these kinds of memories. Drugs, alcohol, tobacco, food, shopping, moving, taking and quitting jobs, gambling, watching movies, getting into high-drama relationships with others, never getting into intimate relationships with anyone, working super crazy hard.

One of the biggest distractions, that keeps us from being with these terrible memories….is JUDGING.

At least this has been my greatest attempt of all to control “bad” people and “bad” situations from repeating themselves. I judge. I blame. I analyze. I collect information on that bad person and list their faults.

Often even in therapy, where I spent many hours with counselors, as I spoke about my painful experiences, I was listing, proving, making a good case that would explain my current behaviors, worries, and pain.

The mind’s job is to sort and figure out and protect. Have you noticed how much it loves to repeat the scenes you are most nervous about? It’s like it is saying “come on, let’s find the solution, let’s resolve this”!!

Amazing to sit in our judgments, then, and actually ask ourselves if they are 100% absolutely hands-down true?

  • People can’t get over sexual abuse—is that true?
  • If someone is really scary and creepy, you alone need to do everything in your power to stay away from them—really?
  • That person, or those people, could hurt you permanently—is that absolutely true?
  • How that person acted is unacceptable to you, and you could never ever interact with them or anyone like them again—how do you react when you believe this thought?
  • I do not have enough patience, maturity, sanity, power, energy, or enough love to overcome these memories or this situation—who would you be WITHOUT this thought?

What I have seen in hundreds of hours of working with clients now, in having my own journey with violence, cancer, hate or abandonment, is that we humans are absolutely amazing. We heal from the most incredible experiences.

People are walking around everywhere finding happiness, joy and beauty in the world despite very painful experiences in the past.

So right in the present, as you question your beliefs, notice how you think you could be hurt, over-powered, controlled, abused, or neglected by someone else out there in the world. And notice that right now, abuse is not actually happening.

“After you’ve been doing inquiry for awhile, if you have the thought “she doesn’t love me,” you just get the immediate turnaround with a smile: “oh, I’m not loving myself in this moment.” “She doesn’t care about me”: “Oh, I’m not caring about myself in the moment I think that thought.” Feel it, feel what it’s like to think that thought, how unkind you’re being to yourself when you believe it. “~Byron Katie

I know for myself I am not free when I am thinking that something someone has done, or the way someone has behaved, is unforgivable. I am being a dictator.

I can also gently rock myself in my own arms, remembering that I am only having these painful thoughts because I am NOT REMEMBERING that I am a beautiful, loving, kind and powerful person that I get to hang around all the time, 24/7. Nothing could be better than this!

Thank you people who have apparently “hurt” me….for you have only shown me where I wasn’t believing that my own love was enough, where I was believing I was too small for all this, where I was believing I was damaged permanently.

These troubling people showed me where I might have done things I didn’t even want to do, just because I thought I was getting love, approval or appreciation. I didn’t say “no” because I thought I needed to be polite. I wanted something from them that I thought I didn’t have. I liked being adored, I liked getting attention. I mistakenly thought they had something that would benefit me.

The turnarounds are so much truer: I am not damaged permanently, I am not too small, my love is enough for me and for the world. I AM SAFE RIGHT NOW.

“Isn’t it marvelous to discover that you’re the one you’ve been waiting for? That you are your own freedom? You go with inquiry into the darkness and find only light.”~ Byron Katie

Now here’s the thing: If you’re not sure you can find that YOU are the best thing that ever happened to YOU, if you feel you’ve done it wrong, or that other person has been wrong, there is nothing wrong with even that. It’s OK.

You are sitting here right now, safe, watching your thoughts and reading this. That alone is enough.

Love, Grace

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Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)

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Drama! Memories! Agony! Inquiry!

Not long ago I heard from an old flame, a relationship that was extremely brief and burned like newspaper: fast, furious, ashes all over the place, not as much heat as expected, quickly over.

Hearing from people with whom we’ve interacted in the past can bring memories to the surface. Sometimes very unpleasant. Sometimes sweet and kind.

The images surfacing in my own mind were entirely unpleasant! I was surprised by the anger. And reminded and amazed once again at how thoughts create an emotional response instantly…in fact it’s almost simultaneous, the speed-of-thought.

Byron Katie suggests that you know when you’ve resolved a difficult relationship when you remember someone and simply smile with appreciation. No big reaction.

So what was going on in my mind at this re-visitation of the past?

I let every part of me, from my inner five year old to my fifteen year old do the talking, since it felt like I was the full range on the timeline of immaturity around this:

  • That relationship was horrible, tangled, twisted and sick
  • I hate the way I wanted to rescue that person (who definitely needed rescuing by the way-ha ha)
  • My ego is as big as Montana when it comes to how much I wanted to make a difference in that person’s life
  • That person could hurt me again, even now! Danger! Beware!
  • That human being is unhappy, sick, defiant, self-hating, caught in childhood drama
  • I need to “work” on forgiveness (I’m not OK the way I am)
  • I don’t ever want to be with anyone even remotely like that person again
  • *$^%@!!!

Well. As you can see, the inner turmoil is acute, upsetting, stressful. It is not actually wonderful to think these thoughts…they arise because something in me is afraid, I feel resistance to what is inside of me around this memory.

Hooray. Another relationship that disturbs me. I think learning is in the air….but NO! IT ISN’T ME! IT WAS THAT OTHER PERSON’S FAULT!

Sometimes we just need to have a little tantrum. The important thing about tantrums, if they arise, is noticing them…and not doing anything out of your own integrity when you have them.

You can punch a pillow on your bed first, if you like. Or jump around doing ninja moves, karate kicking and pretending you have super powers. You can also tear a phone book apart with all your might, or smash an old dish on the cement for the sound effect. But then you will need to get some paper and a pen….and write your thoughts down.

Body and Mind together, working. Both your friends.

I work through the steps of inquiry. Who would I be, remembering this relationship, having all those images flash by, remembering and re-feeling the feelings of fear, anger, confusion…if I no longer had the belief that the person in question was evil, sick, wrong, dangerous?

Who would I be without the thought that it was a waste of time, that something was wrong with me, that something was wrong with that other person?

Can I begin to find some examples of turning these big feelings around? Am I safe right now? Am I supported? Have I learned something?

Joan Tollifson, a wonderful teacher and author writes “I find the roots of Hitler-consciousness in my own mind whenever I think I know who is wrong, or who needs to be gotten rid of. And I also find the roots of Christ-consciousness in my own heart, at least occasionally. And I know which one of these two feels like poison, and which one feels like the deepest truth.”~ Awake In The Heartland

Self-inquiry is not about forcing yourself into Christ-consciousness of course, it is about looking deeply at the judgments, fears, pain and fury you experience. Making yourself wrong and trying to get ‘somewhere else’ is just the same energy, more subtle perhaps. Pushing, driving, demanding change.

As I move into my inquiry, I remember how I don’t know anything. I don’t know why all relationships went as they did. Why there was so much trouble and agony or weirdness.

I remember that I am the one creating drama, here in this moment, and I was there in that past dramatic production as well. I am the one who has been critical of myself, sick, angry, fearful.

“If there is anything-any person, any behavior any circumstance, any situation, any place, anything that you do not see as God, that’s where the work is.”~ Byron Katie

No, you don’t have to talk, live, contact, write, or in any way communicate with that person who triggered this thing in you. In fact, often, it’s wise not to, it is being kind to you.

But I hope you give yourself the gift of remembering that troubled relationship with some acceptance and peace, the gift of using the uncomfortable feelings to open your mind and heart. If I can do it, so can you.

Love, Grace

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Cell Phone Hissy Fit

I will never forget several years ago when I was at The New Year’s Cleanse, where Byron Katie does the work with people up on stage, one after the other, all day long.

A man sat in the chair and read his stressful concepts out loud about his COMPUTER.

I remember thinking…seriously? Not death, cancer, losing everything, addiction, war, or abuse? You’re stressed about your computer?

Cut to 2 days ago at midnight, when I am refusing to go to bed until I figure out how to use my new iphone. Who cares about sleeping! It’s more important to get my voicemails on this dangum phone!!

Like the way a dog holds on to a bone.

Many of us have these kinds of thoughts about the devices we use and encounter in our daily lives:

  • IT SHOULD WORK!!!
  • I HATE learning about this
  • looking at screens is boring, stupid and a waste of time
  • this should be easy
  • maybe there is something wrong with me since I am a) not interested, b) not going as fast as other humans, c) too interested
  • I need to read my email, Facebook, texts
  • I need to respond to my email, Facebook, texts
  • something is wrong, I have to adjust this/fix this/change this

Even in a moment like this, with a new technical device, a broken refrigerator, a different software program, a computer problem…..even this moment offers a chance to question your beliefs.

You get the opportunity, right there in that moment when someone cuts you off in traffic, when your toilet overflows, when your car breaks down….to observe yourself and your thinking.

In the big scheme of things, it may not be that getting a phone to work is that big of a deal. It’s not a huge threat.

I get to see in that moment that I am resisting what is, not loving what is…I am ARGUING WITH A PHONE!

“Use anger as your spiritual practice….you may only have 2 or 5 seconds to catch it. Here it comes. You don’t suppress it. Witness it…..Be thankful for your anger, because through it, awareness can grow….You have to recognize that these are thought-forms that arise in your mind, but you do not have to believe in them. It’s not the truth, it’s a distortion.”~Eckhart Tolle

I turn around all my thinking about this situation: this phone should NOT work right now, I don’t need to respond to email, this shouldn’t be easy, and it might be fun to learn more.

There is nothing wrong. Nothing wrong with me, the phone, or what time it is.

This place of experiencing nothing as being “wrong” or of NOT being AGAINST what is happening can come forward from anywhere. Even arguments with technology.

“If you pay attention, you’ll notice that you think thoughts like this dozens of times a day. “People should be kinder.” “Children should be well-behaved.” “My neighbors should take better care of their lawn.” “The line at the grocery store should move faster.” “My husband (or wife) should agree with me.” “I should be thinner (or prettier or more successful).” These thoughts are ways of wanting reality to be different than it is. If you think that this sounds depressing, you’re right. All the stress that we feel is caused by arguing with what is.”~Byron Katie

Today I notice, I hardly think about the phone. I work with clients, I’m on the phone with all the wonderful people in a teleclass, I feel the sun on my arm through the window.

I love this new addition to my life. A phone with a purple case that I’m learning how to use. And if it goes away, that will be OK too.

Just like other things that have entered my life, required me to learn something new. Like people. Or other “bigger” more stressful situations.

Here in this situation, I get to practice allowing reality to be the way it is. Here in this one, I know I can.

What is your most recent “cell phone hissy fit?” Question your thinking….you never know…it could bring you peace, joy, and laughter. Enlightenment.

Love, Grace