Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Crazy And You Know It

I will never forget a time when a man sat down to work with Byron Katie on stage at a public event. Here he was about to expose his innermost painful thinking, a very intimate act, in front of hundreds of people. As he settled himself into his chair he said “I am mentally ill”. Katie replied “we all are, honey.”

Have you ever had the thought that you are crazy?

When any of us say this with awareness, we are of course not generally commenting on a true mental health diagnosis out in this world. We are functional, good, kind, well-meaning people, doing our best.

When we say we are feeling crazy, we are commenting on the chattering inner mind that doesn’t seem to stop. The one that keeps us up at night!

For some people, this mind will lock in on problem-solving with a vengeance. It will list, sort, analyze and assess with a very critical, sort-of non-emotional cutthroat approach. The mind goes into “attack” mode. Take No Prisoners. Destroy! Argue!

For others this same mental activity will be more filled with nervous anxiety, scanning the world to see how to avoid conflict, hide, run and protect itself.

Other minds will focus more on how terrible it all is, how sad, lost, despairing or meaningless.

All these Voices exist inside the mind, producing emotional stress. Even when things seem to be going well, it’s talking 180 miles per hour, saying “good, finally, let’s hold on to this, it could be temporary, it might be too good to be true, must do whatever it takes to keep this good thing going!”

Even that is stressful!!

A thoughtful inquirer and seeker recently recommended Michael Singer’s book to me The Untethered Soul. I love how he describes this inner voice as a completely whacked roommate.

Singer writes: “If somehow that voice managed to manifest in a body outside of you, and you had to take it with you everywhere you went, you wouldn’t last a day. If somebody were to ask you what your new friend is like, you’d say, “this is one seriously disturbed person. Just look up neurosis in the dictionary and you’ll get the picture.”

Another powerful author, Annie Lamott, calls this voice KFCK. It’s like a radio station that is turned to the channel “you are screwed” constantly. It’s mean, vicious, terrified or horrendously grief-stricken.

Even though this inner mental world of thinking appears to be a part of the human condition, there is good news!

The one who notices the voice, ISN’T the voice.

It’s observing. It’s silent. Totally quiet, very mysterious, watching without judgment. It doesn’t know and it doesn’t NEED to know.

As Eckhart Tolle says, this is the first step, simply noticing.

Mr. Crazy Voice may say that this first step is ridiculous, won’t get you anywhere, is inconsequential and stupid. It will say “noticing? HA! whatEVER . That won’t do any good!”

It will think you’re supposed to do something, say something, think something, be something different….and demand change from the people or circumstances around you.

But notice how you sink into that place that watches and accepts. It is quiet, still, but beautiful and open.

It pulls you in like a magnet, if you let it. Beyond any feeling of fighting, arguing, analyzing, debating, wondering, worrying.

“The heavy is the root of the light. The unmoved is the source of all movement. Thus the Master travels all day without leaving home. However splendid the views, she stays serenely in herself. Why should the lord of the country flit about like a fool? If you let yourself be blown to and fro, you lose touch with your root. If you let restlessness move you, you lose touch with who you are. “~Tao Te Ching #26

Don’t be upset with yourself if you have flitted to and fro having hissy fits about this and that. I’ve had at least three in the last 24 hours, all internal. They flare up.

Even if you’ve had 500 fits, are wondering why you are so crazy, even if you have wailed, gnashed your teeth or vowed revenge on someone…the Deeper Bigger You does not care, and is watching it all. It is aware.

In fact, you don’t even have to worry about taking Step One. You’re already doing it. You might be crazy, but since you know it, you’re waking up!

“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” Carl G. Jung

Love, Grace

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I Shouldn’t Have Done That

Dang it, I shouldn’t have done that!

How many times have you thought this? It’s a very common, almost automatic, kind of thought. A part of the evaluation process that the mind runs through when you feel regret, or are scared about the future.

The thought gets bigger, more intense, more serious the greater the risk. The greater the fear.

Five years ago I noticed a bump on my leg. It grew over a year, bigger and bigger until it looked the size of a pencil eraser poking up on my thigh. It turned out to be a cancerous tumor.

One of my thoughts was “I shouldn’t have waited as long as I did to get it biopsied”. I also thought “I shouldn’t have been so nervous about my divorce over the past year”.

Once I was dating someone, got involved for awhile, even after fairly quickly feeling this was a pretty wild, uncomfortable, unhealthy kind of dynamic…not calm and happy.

It seemed hard to end the relationship. I felt scared, angry.

I had the thought “I shouldn’t have done that.” I shouldn’t have even started in that relationship. I should have known better from the beginning.

In just about any moment with people I love when I’ve expressed anger, and felt stuck or trapped, and maybe yelled, or slammed a door….I’ve had the thought “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Anything ever perceived as a “mistake” means I am considering that the event, The Mistake, as an “error”, a problem. I shouldn’t have gone outside, I shouldn’t have changed lanes, I shouldn’t have left, I shouldn’t have stayed, I shouldn’t have been interested, I shouldn’t have encouraged him, I shouldn’t have been so self-critical, I shouldn’t have eaten that, I shouldn’t have purchased that, I shouldn’t have been so unaware….

The great assumption is that if I hadn’t done that, then this terrible CURRENT situation wouldn’t actually be terrible. This present moment, this experience here and now, is Yuck. I could have prevented it back there in the past.

But here we are in the present moment. Now is now, and all those images about how it could have been different, if only I had done it differently, are not real. They are made up. In fact, it’s basically completely insane to think we shouldn’t have done something we did in fact do.

So here, I come back to what is going on now, and I find out by looking very clearly, what I believe I don’t like about it: I don’t like the cancer tumor (I don’t like dying), I don’t like that other person’s anger and intensity, I don’t like that relationship, I don’t like the accident I had, I don’t like that the thing I bought broke, I don’t like my own anger, I don’t like feeling so full, I don’t like being lonely, I don’t like being stuck…

I notice what I am resistant to, the sense of lack, being Against what is happening, thinking this needs to change FEELS TERRIBLE!

My relationship to this current situation is defensive, uncomfortable, unhappy. My mind kicks into gear going over the Replays and pointing out where I should have known better. But that is distracting to just being here, in this present moment, and having to deal directly with what I really believe right here and now (plus, remember how I mentioned that the whole Replay thing is actually insane?).

So what IS so terrible about this, right now?

And a most amazing thing begins, when deeply considering what is truly terrible about THIS right now. I realize I am surviving this moment. It is possible that this moment is not so bad. It is possible that I do not have to DO anything. Maybe I’m not so sure about what is terrible.

Eckhart Tolle suggests that focusing on the past and the future, believing this present moment is not happy, not great, not the best, is what creates suffering.

What’s so great about this present moment?! It’s NOT what I want! Boring! Stupid! Awful! Painful! Agonizing! 

But what if this moment is actually the gateway to freedom? Not only do I see I am surviving it, and that it may not be so bad, but what if being entirely here, right now, is the place that I can finally see. Awareness.

Can you imagine being free of external conditions, including YOU doing something DIFFERENT last week, or last year?

“As long as you regard this moment as undesirable, an enemy, an obstacle, something to reject…then you will experience life the same way…This is what is. You HAVE to start with this.”~Eckhart Tolle 

If you find you repeatedly think that you shouldn’t have done something, turn it around and find advantages to why you SHOULD have done it. This is a readjustment of the path to this present moment.

I should have been there, done that. It didn’t kill me. It helped me enter into an opportunity to wake up. It was part of my evolution. It was the best I could do at the time. It led me to here. It helped me surrender, it’s helping me surrender right now. Something hurts, so I am having to look at all THIS. I am willing to see it differently. It’s allowing me to accept what is, to love what is. Now.

Love, Grace

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What Is A Belief?

What is a belief?

It’s a simple question, but not such a simple answer unless you’ve thought about it a lot.

All this talk about “beliefs” and how great it is to question them….but let’s start from the beginning today. (Enter soundtrack “Let’s Start At The Very Beginning” from A Sound of Music).

In Websters: An acceptance that something is true or that something exists. Something that one accepts as true or real; a firmly held conviction or opinion.

Nowhere does it actually say that it IS true or real. Just accepted as true or real.

Bruce Di Marsico who developed and taught the Option Method of inquiry before he died defined a belief as an assumption that something is true, an assumption that it is fact. He said that a belief is not the proof of truth. A belief about a thing’s existence is not the same as its existence.

I once heard a belief described in an academic lecture as something that is repeatedly thought over and over again.

How interesting! It is just something THOUGHT, over and over and over. It’s like the mind’s eye is scanning the world, the environment, our experience, and it is saying “Is it true now? Yes! Because look at this situation!” And then a year later “And how about now? Yes! This proves it to be true!”

The mind keeps finding evidence and support for what it has assumed, perhaps from a very very young age.

I am a loser. See! I must be–my wife just left me, my bank account just got emptied, I just lost my house, my son hates me, that person doesn’t want me, I can’t make any money, I’m a drunk, I have cancer, I broke my wrist, I am not happy.

Byron Katie offers this question to help us dive into greater awareness of our convictions, opinions and belief systems: WHERE’S YOUR PROOF?

A beginning starting place is to find out why you believe what you believe. Don’t dismiss it, even if it seems childish. See what your proof is….and notice if you don’t have any. That’s OK too. It doesn’t mean you have to change your mind.

You have to see what you believe in order to see other possibilities. You have to see what you believe in order to find out what is hurting you, what is bringing about your unhappiness.

“The tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal Name. The unnamable is the eternally real. Naming is the origin of all particular things. Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations. Yet mystery and manifestations arise from the same source. This source is darkness. Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all understanding.”~Tao Te Ching #1

Naming your beliefs is the doorway to freedom. Start there…

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 Noon – 6 pm.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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Your Mother Won’t Change For You To Be Happy

One of the most important people anyone can do the Work on, it seems, is Mother. Whether our mother was around a lot when we were young, or not, the thoughts about our experience of our own mothers are extensive, repetitive, and often NOT original.

You may notice that even just considering your mother, you feel deflated, bored, or irritated.“Not that topic again, I’ve worked on her enough…I’ve handled that relationship…too late now.”

Perhaps it’s true that you’ve already considered a great deal around your mother, and softened or accepted her presence in your life, and the fact that it’s over.

But whatever is unresolved may also come bite you in the butt, to put it mildly.

Like when I agreed to participate in a project in my community to assist a certain population in need and bring my talents at helping people in addictive cycles to overcome them. This was a few years ago.

Someone else also participating in the project, it turned out, DROVE ME NUTS. She reminded me of my mother. My childhood mother, the mother of my projections (who no longer actually exists). This is not the way I currently experience my actual living mother, but this woman triggered me like no one else had in a long time.

She made me want to SCREAM.

  • she hovers over me like a helicopter
  • she should stop looking at me, focusing on me
  • she should stop being so happy, nicey-nice, and fake Martha Stewart
  • she should stop handing out cards, presents and trinkets to everyone all the time (gag)
  • she should stop peppering me with personal questions
  • she is insecure! fishing for compliments!
  • she is too sensitive
  • she shouldn’t talk about me behind my back
  • SHE SHOULD STOP COMPLAINING

Sometimes when physically approaching a meeting with all the project leaders, I would feel like my face would look like I smelled something bad. And I wasn’t even in the same room with her yet.

Now that is some reaction! Hmmmm, could something interesting be going on, I wonder?

I knew it was time to take out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. And answer every single question, very slowly, very carefully.

First of all, what was actually upsetting me? (See list above to begin with). Why should someone else, behaving in just that way, be so incredibly irritating? What was frightening me? I knew I only got riled up like this when I was scared.

I found I was very frightened of her judgments. I heard her complaints and comments about other people and it made me nervous. I was on alert. I got quiet around her. I felt like she was watching my every move with hyper-critical attention. I could be condemned, advised, ordered, or pushed at any second. I could make a mistake.

Gosh. Who did that sound like, something was so familiar. OH! That would be me. Just part of me, mind you, that VOICE. The mean one.

Next, what did I really WANT from this woman? What did I NEED from her in order to be happy? This is key to the process. What do I really think I want or need from that person TO BE HAPPY?

I needed to be able to trust her. To know she cared about me. I wanted her to like me, to be kind, to stop saying cruel things or mean things about other people (which only meant she could say them about me). I wanted her to stop calling other various people “bad” people or “evil” people. She was saying disparaging things about the people we were trying to help.

The thing is….I clammed up, shut down, started judging her like crazy. It was like a huge alarm was going off with blinking red lights in an office building, huge, crushing, ear-splitting sounds.

But the I did The Work. She should tell me directly what she is concerned or upset about. She should stop complaining. She should tell the truth. Turned around: I should tell her directly what I am concerned or upset about. I should stop complaining about her. I should tell the truth.

With a beating heart and red face and adrenaline coursing through my veins, I asked her if I could talk with her privately one day after a meeting. You would think someone just announced that a war had broken out and we all needed to get to safety ASAP.

I told her how I felt, and I apologized for my part if I had bothered her.

She looked at me with suspicion. She said something like “well, we’ll see”. She appeared disapproving. There was a long uncomfortable silence.

That was when I learned that there can be no expectation of outcome when questioning deeply help beliefs.

She should now be kind and open, since I’ve spilled my guts? No. She should be cool now and chill out? No.

This work is for the love of Truth. And for discovering that NO ONE HAS TO CHANGE ANYTHING in order for YOU to be happy.

Even your mother.

Love, Grace

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Gentle Overcomes Hard

I love all the notes, letters, comments and communication I receive from readers. People are on amazing human journeys, studying themselves and their consciousness. It is incredible to be a part of it.

Recently, I received the following note, and it prompted my own curious thoughts about how we each move and flow in the world, saying “yes, please!” or “no, thank you!”

Grace,  I really appreciate how much of a commitment it is for you to create a blog each day and the intentions for the Blog pieces are beautiful.  I have noticed that I have stopped opening these e-mails because I find the titles “negative” and I do not want to relate to them or they do not relate to my own empowered experience.  I am not sure what you are trying to achieve by your choice of titles but for me I just have a “no~ thank you” to them. 

I was touched by how kind this person’s email was, and honest.

Many people arrive at a place where they are willing to do The Work, or ask for help, or find a new way to be with Reality because they are FILLED with painful, horrific, negative, violent thoughts.

They know there might be another way to look at their predicament…but they don’t know how to do it. They are stuck.

The “negative” and profoundly stressful thoughts are like sirens going off, letting us know that something is wrong.

Usually in life, we humans think the thing that is wrong is that someone has done something terrible to us, we’ve been unlucky, illness has visited us, we have bad karma, there is something wrong with us at a very deep level that needs to be corrected.

We think the universe is unfriendly, we think it’s chaotic and unpredictable and terrifying.

These are very painful but also, very powerful thoughts. They feel true. We assume they are true, we can’t see that there is something different between what we think and who we actually ARE.

I have felt this way so many times! My mind still comes up with doozies….it’s sort of hilarious really. Suddenly it will occur to me “something terrible could happen” and I’m not even sure how it enters. Then I will laugh. It cannot seem to take hold.

I attribute this kind of change in the way I react to stressful beliefs to doing self-inquiry. Questioning my thinking over and over again.

I have thought and believed the lowest, most negative, most horrible, terrible, dreadful thoughts. The ones many people have thought (I have discovered I am not alone in my painful thinking).

This may be why I can hear, without fear, the same kinds of thoughts from others. But this does not mean that I might not experience fear or difficulty staying present with someone and their “negative” thoughts.

I do get to witness and decide for myself, just like the wonderful reader who wrote, who notices she prefers more positive titles.

I have two people I can think of right in this moment who I said “no” to in the past. I have appreciation in my heart for both of them, and a prayer of sorts from my human side, that hopes their individual paths lead them to the end of suffering before death.

But I also knew, deep in my heart, that I was not the person to help them. I knew they could find other help, without ME. I would have been expecting myself to be above and beyond my own evolution to think I should stay engaged with them in the dances we had going.

It is amazing to know what you want, what flavor you like, what color you prefer, what places you enjoy most, what environments delight you, what brings you joy.

As Joseph Campbell said so famously “follow your bliss”.

When you notice you are presented with something that is NOT your bliss, then halleluia! Time to investigate why, look at it from every angle, study it, bring on the curiosity about it, wonder about it.

But it doesn’t mean I have to go intentionally walk into the middle of the gunfire. It doesn’t mean I have to live with someone I don’t want to. It doesn’t have to mean I need to eat food I’m allergic to, stay at my difficult job, talk on the phone when I don’t want to, or stay subscribed to a blog that isn’t fun for me.

What is one thing you notice in your life that you don’t feel drawn to right now? What if you said “no, thank you!” Is there anything stressful that arises by thinking of saying No? Question it!

And….I’d love to know if there is any additional way I can serve you, excite you, inspire you, bug you, or invite you to inquiry. I’d love to hear from you what works and what doesn’t.

And remember, in the end you don’t have to DO anything. Only follow the inner voice that is gentlest and kind, that tells you what you like or don’t like, what is perfect or not for you. Follow the voice that speaks kindly, with no “shoulds”. The universe is guiding and working with you to bring you to just the right place, at the right time, in the right way.

“The gentlest thing in the world overcomes the hardest thing in the world. That which has no substance enters where there is no space. This shows the value of non-action. Teaching without words, performing without actions: that is the Master’s way.”~Tao Te Ching #43

Love, Grace

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Argue With Reality And You Win By Losing

The practice of arguing is interesting to dissect. What is “arguing”?

An argument, it seems, has an analytical feel to it, weighing pros and cons….and yet often, it becomes very full of feeling and passion. An urgency enters the scene, there is a “right” and a “wrong” and we have to break down all the elements and explore.

The definition of “arguing” in Webster’s dictionary is to prove or disprove something, to give evidence for or against, to dispute.

If I am arguing, I may believe that my position is threatened. I need to speak up, to convince, to make a case for what I want and make sure it’s HEARD.

I am worried that I may not get what I want. I may be nervous, frustrated, uncomfortable, anxious. These feelings are not so intellectual. They don’t seem to be objective. They aren’t just “exploring” like when someone is dissecting a frog in biology class.

The outcome is extremely important. It is critical. I must win. Or else I will lose! And losing is TERRIBLE!!

So let’s say I am with my spouse and we are both hungry, and it sounds like a good idea to both of us to eat a meal. I say “let’s go out for dinner” and my partner says “let’s cook at home”.

I want this, the Other wants that.

If I am attached to me getting what I want (and this does NOT mean that I suddenly become Against Attachment in order to get there) I become stressed.

What is your usual experience when this kind of moment happens?

Let’s say the stakes are higher, and someone has robbed you. You’ve lost something, and it’s THEIR fault. You argue for justice. You feel angry, betrayed, wronged.

I once hired someone where I paid $1500 at the beginning for the work that would be done. The communication was poor, the emails few and far between (they didn’t respond when I sent questions) and I was shocked to discover that when I thought we were about 25% along to completion of the project, they considered the project to be done.

When I expressed my unhappiness and confusion, they did not offer money back, they emailed a 2 page single-spaced document of legalese and their language seemed stark, defensive, and final.

I decided to cut my losses, the biggest loss I’ve ever taken in a business transaction, and learned a huge lesson in getting far more information at the beginning about peoples’ expectations. Doh! The exact same work I’ve hired people for since has been far more satisfying and wonderful.

I saw that I myself was a participant in non-communication at the very beginning. I trusted them only because of how I got the referral. I didn’t even ask for a list of what would be included in this work. My bad.

Today in our Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass, we looked at our painful experiences where we believed that we compromised ourselves in an exchange with someone. The other person got what they wanted, and we didn’t.

The belief was “I have to compromise to maintain peace”. I have to acquiesce to keep the peace, to have calm. I have to NOT get what I want for things to go smoothly. I am afraid of what would happen if I am truly honest.

The way most of us described our reactions to this belief was that we felt resentful, deflated, drained, weak, enraged, despairing, hopeless. No peace. The compromise, as it turns out, led to war, internally. And the feeling of being a door mat.

So let’s apply this to the bottom-line invitation that Byron Katie and many other teachers offer us because of their own insights: stop arguing with reality.

There I am with my beloved partner, and we both have stated that we want to eat in completely different places. If I am not arguing with reality, I am feeling what it is like for everyone to have a preference in this moment. I am not against either myself or my partner expressing what is true for ourselves.

If I am not arguing with reality I don’t actually jump ahead into the future, I am not afraid of the outcome, thinking that I won’t get what I want or that there will be no resolve. I am not attacking either the other, or me. I am not hiding my inner feelings in a hole so they can’t see them.

Every possibility of what could happen can be born. I can go to the restaurant by myself with a good book, I can join my partner at home, I can ask very clearly and directly for what I want. I can hear clearly what my partner wants. There is a thread of joy running through the entire dance. My thoughts about what I want can change in 2 seconds. I am not afraid.

I do The Work on that business situation. I can let loose the grip of the “lost” $1500 and see how much I gained by paying that money. I paid for an important lesson that I may not have learned any other way. I now open to conversations with every single one of my own customers or clients when they are not satisfied with what they’ve hired me for. These conversations are incredible. My business has improved and grown from these by leaps and bounds.

Recently, I read something by a famous trial lawyer who won many arguments in his successful career. He said he had on his door “please, argue with me”.

He said he learned the joy of arguing with respect and curiosity. What he explained was that he wanted to hear what we were feeling, say what was our honest truth in the moment.

He said not to compromise or squelch yourself. Enjoy the engagement. No defense, no plan to demolish or “win”. AND no strategy to slink out, clam up, shut yourself down.

Be with me, tell me your preferences, bring all of yourself here! Peace is possible through this process, this conversation! No one has to do anything they don’t want to do in order to “keep the peace”.

It seems that the Universe would say the same thing. Please, argue with me. In fact, it seems like that is the way of it. You will learn, you will see, you will become aware, you will be amazed, you will wake up. I love you, says the universe! BE YOU. Be not afraid. And if you are, it’s OK…say so and stay here with me in the argument.

I am here apparently as some kind of life form (apparently a human), a part of reality, and in my communication with this Friendly Universe (even if it looks like a bad business transaction) I win. In my openness to not minding what happens and really being genuinely myself, I win. In respecting every tiny part of what enters my reality, including my partner’s different desires, I win. In exposing what I am most afraid of, I win.

“When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.” ~Tao Te Ching #69

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 Noon – 6 pm.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here! Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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Disgusting Shameful Despicable Me

The feeling of SHAME in almost every culture is horrendous. When someone feels shame, they believe they have done something worthy of being rejected. They are dishonorable, slimy, dishonest, degraded, banished. And they know it.

When I consider the feeling of shame, feeling humiliation, sorry and unworthy, it feels soooo low. Worthless. Disgusting. Hideous.

This is one of the worst human experiences.

Brene Brown is a speaker and author who has been studying shame in the human experience. Just like the way we begin to understand and question our minds by seeing what we actually are thinking….she also starts with what we mean when we define “shame”.

Long ago, when I was an active bulimic, eating and vomiting and starving and over-exercising and binge-eating again, I not only was in terrible pain about this strange cycle with food, but also I did everything in the world to cover up the fact that I was having this sick relationship with eating.

I pretended to the cashier at the grocery store that I was about to cook for a big dinner party. I smiled happily to my friends and said I already ate because I had just binged and purged a few hours before and couldn’t handle ordering a meal. I turned on the water to the bath tub or shower really loudly while I made myself throw up, so no one would hear. I drove from one fast-food place to the next ordering “normal” amounts at each one.

It was like there were eyes everywhere potentially seeing me and what a disgusting person I was.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.~Brene Brown

It seems that this sense of wanting desperately to avoid rejection, to never fail, to not show unlikable parts, expose our imperfections, or reveal our flaws is all wrapped up in shame.

I know that the MORE I wanted to avoid rejection, the more afraid I was of getting criticized for my flaws, the bigger my shame was. The bigger the need to cover my trail and keep those ugly parts of myself a secret.

Now, I allow myself to think through this process in a slow, meditative, open way. This began with seeing a counselor many, many years ago and discovering how incredible it was to speak my innermost thoughts out loud to another human and not see them turn away in horror.

SHAME is faster than a speeding bullet. When it is triggered there is a feeling in the gut of being punched. It hurts. There is huge resistance to what is and an enormous belief that I am bad, stupid and wrong. Worthy of absolute rejection.

Staying here with what happened…without taking the shame so freakin’ seriously…I get to look at the behavior, the thoughts, the moment of shame, the trigger. I get to ask myself the truth of the situation, and see if it is really true that I am the scum of the earth.

Someone once passed me a note as I shared in a 12 Step meeting. The note said “It is a form of negative grandiosity to hate yourself so much. You are loved and worthy. You are a human being.”

Oh. WOW.

That’s when the adventure begins.

If I am NOT actually a horrid, awful, putrid, bad person….then what could be going on for me when I’m doing those painful things? What am I thinking in those moments? What am I really afraid of?

Byron Katie speaks with great compassion of the people who kill, lie, steal, cheat, and deeply hurt other people in this world. They are simply believing their thoughts. They are not looking with clarity at the whole situation, at their minds.

I love that questioning my thinking means I am moving away from shame, into reality. I am aware that I am allowed to be here. In fact, I belong and am acceptable, because I am here. No other “reason” is necessary.

Everyone else is allowed to be here, too.

“The Work is not about shame or blame. It’s not about proving that you are the one in the wrong or forcing yourself to believe that someone else is in the right. The power of the turnaround lies in the discovery that everything you think you see on the outside is really a projection of your own mind. Everything is a mirror image of your own thinking.”~Byron Katie

Without shame about my history with food and eating….I notice that I began to ask myself what else was going on, what else was I thinking, feeling and believing?

Who would you be without the thought that the way you have been is bad, wrong or evil? Who would you be without the thought that having a flaw MEANS you are unworthy of acceptance or belonging?

Can you not reject yourself, in this situation? That is all that is necessary to change everything.
I know, because it happened to me.

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 Noon – 6 pm.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

 

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You Can’t Help Them

The idea that a human can be “saved” is an ancient and deep story with highs and lows, peaks and valleys, tragedy or joy. We all hope the outcome is good.

There someone is at the bottom of their luck. They are on the street. They have lost the kingdom. Their family has been destroyed. They are bankrupt. Destitute, hopeless, taking their last breath, trapped. They are about to jump off the cliff.

Superman to the rescue! Batman, Spider Man, Wonder Woman, Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Mental Health Counselor, priest, ambulance driver, fireman, guru, the angel Gabriel, Martin Luther King, Beatrice (for those that know Dante’s story).

What a great happy ending when the Rescuer makes contact with the One Needing To Be Rescued. The crowd cheers!

Not so much fun when you’re in the middle of the dance I like to call Rescue Job. For some of us, it’s a sort of auto-pilot reaction founded on VERY unquestioned beliefs. I speak from personal experience:

  • that person needs my help
  • they will die without me (I am very important)
  • they are not doing well in some area of their life (money, romance, addiction) and I could help them do better (I know best)
  • if they would only love themselves (I can love them and they will see)
  • they need my love (so I will constantly give it to them)
  • I will be a superhero/good/right/important if I make a difference in their life

The problem is, in this Rescue Job story, that one person is the Savior and Hero and one person is the Lost and Incapable. I think quite a few people have written books on this, for example “Co-Dependent No More”.

Parents take this approach to children (and the reverse happens, too), siblings towards each other, friends to friends, and in romance….oh boy, people really get twisted up in the Rescue Job story.

Byron Katie has an amazing book entitled “I Need Your Love–Is That True?” but it could include a turnaround that for me, is just as important to question: “You Need My Love–Is That True?”  

Thank goodness gracious it’s not true! I see the arrogance, the desire I have had for being The One to change the course of someone’s life for the better. Ewwww.

But I didn’t always see it this way. In fact, I still relapse into this dynamic. I must be a great and amazing mother! I must be a fabulous and forgiving daughter! I must be a steady and reliable friend! I must be an accepting and caring counselor! I NEED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

Really?

I hear Katie’s voice saying “Who needs God, when we have your opinion?”  That person in your life who appears to be in need, the one who is using drugs, or desperate, or depressed…that person who hates themselves or can’t seem to succeed or is choosing a way that you would not choose.  Who would you be without the thought that you need to help them? Especially when you’ve already tried. Maybe eight times.

This is not about abandoning other humans, or dismissing your children, or backing away when someone actually asks you for help. It’s about letting the universe assist, opening to the idea that it is friendly. Opening to the mysterious and the unknown.

Nowadays, if I notice that I am having the thought that someone needs my love, then I remember the pain of this burden.  I remember that I am not a superhero, or Mother Teresa. I am an ordinary, mediocre, regular human. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus he has nothing to lose. What he desires is non-desire; what he learns is to unlearn. He simply reminds people of who they have always been. He cares about nothing but the Tao. Thus he can care for all things.”~ Tao Te Ching #64 

I know from personal experience that some of the greatest obsessive/addictive you-can’t-make-it-on-your-own moments I’ve had towards others have been awful, painful, and like being in jail. For both of us.

Today I practice caring about nothing but the Tao. I am Being, without knowing what is best for anyone. Even the person lying on the street.

It does not mean I don’t take action….it doesn’t mean this at all, I have found. But there is no fear, no “hope”, no anxious trying, no waiting, no anger, no frustration.  And I am 100% in my own business. Not anyone else’s. My only job to be my own Hero.

“We’re not on our journey to save the world but to save ourselves. But in doing that you save the world.”~Joseph Campbell

Love, Grace

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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That Person Is Too Fat

One of my most painful personal experiences of being judgmental has been around bodies.

Those bodies, the ones that look like THAT (fill in your own image) are beautiful, perfect, exciting, interesting, or attractive.

These other bodies, the ones that look NOT so perfect (fill in your other images) are anywhere from slightly unappealing to repulsive.

Beautiful/Ugly, Attractive/Repulsive, Fat/Thin, Defective/Working, Young/Old.

This area of analysis, judgment, criticism, and studying imperfection often felt compulsive and out-of-control. Even when I was a teenager, I would have not only the thought that something was ugly on a body…but also that I was stupid to be thinking that it was ugly.

I should control my judgmental thoughts about those other peoples’ bodies! And while we’re at it, I should also love my own body! Major Dismal Failure at NOT judging.

So there I was seeing the world and it was jam-packed with images of other bodies. What was ugly was anything too fat or too thin, too round or too sharp or pointy, too bumpy, to heavy, too tall. It was so quick, I could easily tell you what was beautiful and ugly in one-half of a second.

I KNEW UGLY AND I KNEW ATTRACTIVE.

I was learning, or had learned, VERY quickly, very young. As soon as I could hear what adults were saying around me. As soon as I could see what people were drawn to, and how they behaved, and who they rejected or praised. It was in the movies and on TV.

I KNEW already at the age of 8 that when I sat on a table one day, and my thighs spread out in a squished way with my legs hanging over the edge of the desk. I was shocked. “I have fat thighs?! I did not realize this! Terrible! They are ugly!”

“100 percent of your misery is brought on by your dishonest, unconscious thinking. That’s what a lie feels like….if you think you’re too fat, it’s not about your body, it’s about your mind. It’s about imagination running wild…The mind doesn’t have the question IS IT TRUE? to stop it, so that it can reconsider, so that it can bring itself to sanity. Sanity is a word I equate with love, with intelligence and maturity. An immature mind, is a mind that hates itself.” ~Byron Katie

This past week I watched my mind as it looked at bodies. I watched my mind then criticize ME for having these mundane, stupid, shallow, ridiculous thoughts about bodies.

I confess, I had the thought that someone was too fat. That person should lose weight. They should exercise. Something is wrong with how they are taking in food.

And then, more judgments: another person I love I thought of as waaaaaaaay too focused on the body (and it wasn’t me). She should get off this whole get-the-body-perfect thing. What a waste of energy, time, resources, focus! Jeez!

Thank goodness for doing The Work and an absolutely wonderful facilitator walking me through it. Without the facilitator, I might NOT have even stayed with this ridiculous, mean, superficial judgment and brought it out into the open.

Can you call up an image of someone you know who is “fat” and who you think shouldn’t be?

Is it true that they would be better off thinner? Is it true they are actually FAT?

Is it true that they represent everything that fatness means? That they are undisciplined, lazy, that they eat when they are not hungry, that they are unhealthy, scared, angry, pudgy, needy, unhappy, self-centered, or don’t love themselves? Are they really unattractive? Do people reject them, are they lonely? Are they less than spiritual, or unconscious? Really?

Um. I have no idea. In fact, no. It’s actually not true. At all.

I recognize the power of the “ego” or the little me, the one who thinks it knows, the one who is trying so hard, so sure that it is RIGHT, so nervous about rejection or imperfection, so full of striving. This thinking part is so sure bodies matter.

What is really the problem with anyone in this world being fat?

I’ve noticed that the world, the universe, Reality actually contains bodies which are of all different qualities. The variety is enormous, in fact, and actually infinite. Incredible.

I notice that without the thought that anyone’s Body should be different than the way it actually appears to me in this moment, then the creativity and variety is incredible. I am not against anything. No resistance. No need to change anything.

All these bodies everywhere being themselves….

Could it be that any way a body appears here, now, is just right? See how amazing it feels to be with this thought.

Back once again to leaving everything alone.

What was too fat, was my thinking. When I think someone is too fat, or anything about me is too fat, my thoughts are slow, full, repetitive, thick, heavy, extra, big, dark, overflowing, wide, depressing.

Fortunately, my thinking is not ME. Just like my body isn’t ME.

“God, or your essential nature, is not Something. Not Content. Not Form. The best description with words is to say what it is NOT….It can be known in the silent space of stillness which is in everyone…”~ Eckhart Tolle

What if you walked around today, or sat around, or maybe the body you appear to have is lying around…what if you were here and entirely and completely without the thought that what your body looks like or represents IS you?

What if you are much more than that. Or not even that, at all.

Love, Grace

P.S. At Breitenbush, the end of June, we will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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I Need Need Need That

What a fabulous Thursday morning this past week with the Money, Work and Business teleclass group. This particular class, the third session, is the one directly on MONEY.

I have spent hours and hours doing The Work on Money, and it fascinates me as an entity, energy, thing, exchange. Money is wonderful! I love playing with it, having it, spending it, not having it, understanding it. Like life.

There was a time once when I woke up at night quite often, thinking about money with a sick stomach, spinning mind, anxious, nervous, imagining the scenario of losing my house, of packing up my stuff in boxes and driving it to my mother’s house to put in her basement.

Nowhere to live of my own! A failure! A terrible parent! An idiot!

Fear enters in whenever we feel scared, threatened, uncertain. When the images our mind is coming up with are frightening, we get very tense, very stressed…it feels like there is an anvil on our chest and we can’t breathe.

This does not have to be about money. It can be about a person. It can be about your boss, a lover, a child.

Here comes the fear, here comes the obsessive, repetitive thinking.

If all was well, if we really felt it was a friendly universe and we could trust this at a core level, right in the middle of this situation, then we would not wake up at night.

I knew back then already that my own thinking was the actual “thing” that was out of control. My thinking was panicked. The key was identifying what thoughts I was having very specifically that created such fear.

I wrote down what I believed Money would give me, if I had it, if it was mine. You can do this with anything. Substitute your target of desire! Sometimes it’s a person, sometimes it’s a new job, sometimes it’s youth, health.

Ooooh, if I just HAD THAT….then I would be peaceful, happy, content, OK, relaxed.

For some people, the great object of desire is spiritual enlightenment. Once I have that, I’ll be fine.

Are you sure?

“It’s not reality that matters, but what you’re saying to yourself about it.”~Anthony De Mello

I found that I could not be sure that having money would make me happy. In fact, I was quite sure I knew people with lots of money who were not. Could I skip the middleman, as Katie says, and be happy right from here, right now?

If you think you can’t….good. Welcome to exploring the amazing mind. Welcome to seeing where you argue with reality.

So, write down what you believe would make you happy, if you had it. Why would it make you happy? What would you really have, if you had that thing?

If I had money, I would be secure, safe, comfortable, calm, peaceful, generous, entertained, proud. I cannot have these things without the money.

If my father were alive, if my house were bigger, if I drove a better car, if I had a life partner, if my children were successful…THEN I would be excited, ecstatic, spacious, powerful, satisfied, satiated, adventurous. And not before!!

You see that from where you stand, right here in this present moment, you believe it is not good enough, it could be better….later.

Is that absolutely true?

The mind creates these images of how it will be in the future….soon, we hope, when it will be better. Right now, I am reading a book in the evening and then *PING* this imaginary picture enters that suggests eating some food would make things even better.

That little thought can grow into a torrential thunderstorm of longing, hoping, anger, fury, rage, despair. This life right here, right now, is not good enough, not full enough, not big enough, not fun enough, not rich enough.

This moment needs improvement. Something is wrong.

As soon as I stopped believing that I needed more money the minute I had that thought, my mind started to slow down. The images seemed to dissolve away.

The way the fear dissolved? I did the Work, I asked myself if my thinking was real and true. Was the impending disaster that I conjured in a split second of imagining actually going to happen?

Who would I be without the thought that I needed more money in order to be safe, successful, stable, or proud?

And if I turned the thought around to the opposite….in this world of duality….how would that idea fit? I DO NOT NEED MORE MONEY. Can I find ways that this is genuinely, actively true in this moment?

Am I safe, secure, generous, calm, peaceful right now? Could it be that there is enough of anything I thought there was NOT enough of?

Suddenly, or sometimes more slowly, that moment of waking up in the night that felt like a nightmare looked simple, quiet, non-eventful. Yes, I was safe. Yes, I was breathing. Yes, I was secure and stable. Yes, I was up to the challenge of living without lots of stuff (in fact it was incredibly fun).

In fact, there were amazing benefits. I had more free time. No going out for dinners, movies, workshops. I read. I spent whole days alone. I began to love my own company like I never had before.

Trusting in the flow of life….the Universe appeared to be friendly. Wow.

“We’re all looking for love, in our confusion, until we find our way back to the realization that love is what we already are. That’s all. We’re looking for what we already have.”~ Byron Katie

If you don’t get it and this doesn’t make sense….if it just DOES NOT seem like you already have what you’re looking for….write down why you are so unhappy, write down what is missing, and begin to inquire.

This pain you feel may be your gateway to freedom.

Love, Grace