I will never forget a time when a man sat down to work with Byron Katie on stage at a public event. Here he was about to expose his innermost painful thinking, a very intimate act, in front of hundreds of people. As he settled himself into his chair he said “I am mentally ill”. Katie replied “we all are, honey.”
Have you ever had the thought that you are crazy?
When any of us say this with awareness, we are of course not generally commenting on a true mental health diagnosis out in this world. We are functional, good, kind, well-meaning people, doing our best.
When we say we are feeling crazy, we are commenting on the chattering inner mind that doesn’t seem to stop. The one that keeps us up at night!
For some people, this mind will lock in on problem-solving with a vengeance. It will list, sort, analyze and assess with a very critical, sort-of non-emotional cutthroat approach. The mind goes into “attack” mode. Take No Prisoners. Destroy! Argue!
For others this same mental activity will be more filled with nervous anxiety, scanning the world to see how to avoid conflict, hide, run and protect itself.
Other minds will focus more on how terrible it all is, how sad, lost, despairing or meaningless.
All these Voices exist inside the mind, producing emotional stress. Even when things seem to be going well, it’s talking 180 miles per hour, saying “good, finally, let’s hold on to this, it could be temporary, it might be too good to be true, must do whatever it takes to keep this good thing going!”
Even that is stressful!!
A thoughtful inquirer and seeker recently recommended Michael Singer’s book to me The Untethered Soul. I love how he describes this inner voice as a completely whacked roommate.
Singer writes: “If somehow that voice managed to manifest in a body outside of you, and you had to take it with you everywhere you went, you wouldn’t last a day. If somebody were to ask you what your new friend is like, you’d say, “this is one seriously disturbed person. Just look up neurosis in the dictionary and you’ll get the picture.”
Another powerful author, Annie Lamott, calls this voice KFCK. It’s like a radio station that is turned to the channel “you are screwed” constantly. It’s mean, vicious, terrified or horrendously grief-stricken.
Even though this inner mental world of thinking appears to be a part of the human condition, there is good news!
The one who notices the voice, ISN’T the voice.
It’s observing. It’s silent. Totally quiet, very mysterious, watching without judgment. It doesn’t know and it doesn’t NEED to know.
As Eckhart Tolle says, this is the first step, simply noticing.
Mr. Crazy Voice may say that this first step is ridiculous, won’t get you anywhere, is inconsequential and stupid. It will say “noticing? HA! whatEVER . That won’t do any good!”
It will think you’re supposed to do something, say something, think something, be something different….and demand change from the people or circumstances around you.
But notice how you sink into that place that watches and accepts. It is quiet, still, but beautiful and open.
It pulls you in like a magnet, if you let it. Beyond any feeling of fighting, arguing, analyzing, debating, wondering, worrying.
“The heavy is the root of the light. The unmoved is the source of all movement. Thus the Master travels all day without leaving home. However splendid the views, she stays serenely in herself. Why should the lord of the country flit about like a fool? If you let yourself be blown to and fro, you lose touch with your root. If you let restlessness move you, you lose touch with who you are. “~Tao Te Ching #26
Don’t be upset with yourself if you have flitted to and fro having hissy fits about this and that. I’ve had at least three in the last 24 hours, all internal. They flare up.
Even if you’ve had 500 fits, are wondering why you are so crazy, even if you have wailed, gnashed your teeth or vowed revenge on someone…the Deeper Bigger You does not care, and is watching it all. It is aware.
In fact, you don’t even have to worry about taking Step One. You’re already doing it. You might be crazy, but since you know it, you’re waking up!
“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” Carl G. Jung
Love, Grace