The Work of Byron Katie – Page 70 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

January 17, 2013

Fearing Desire

Sexuality is a pretty sensitive topic, in most cultures. There are delicate nuances to become aware of, from quite young, about what is right or wrong, acceptable, or condemned.

We learn through flashes of conversation, or words, or gestures what people might be doing or not doing. Some of us have more exposure than others. It seems the adults are involved in something that children aren’t quite in tune with yet.

Many of us learn in a more direct manner about the biology and physiology of human sexuality in school, or from books.

The dictionary defines sexuality as the capacity to have responses or feelings that are filled with desire.

And yet so many people grapple with conflict around their own desires or other peoples’ desires.

We think “I don’t WANT to be capable of having desires! I want to STOP all feelings of desire! And while we’re at it….I want those disgusting other people to stop THEIR feelings of desire! Someone could get hurt!”

DESIRE. There is either too much or not enough of it. Plus it’s dangerous to even mention.

We think bad things happen when there is too much desire, like overeating. Like there is a phantom or ghost who wants to eat and eat and doesn’t get satiated. It’s obsessive, over-heated, crazed, powerful.

Bad things happen when there is too little desire, like numbness, lack of feeling, lack of fun, like loss of appetite, carefulness, fear, solitude.

Socrates said, “Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart’s desire; the other is to get it.”

This study of desire and attraction grows the awareness of the flashlight beam pointing towards THAT THING OVER THERE. The feelings surrounding it all can be incredibly fascinating when we look, without so much judgment.

The first time I wrote a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on someone with whom I was in a love relationship including physical contact, I edited myself the whole way through. I skipped the specific moments that brought out the most rage because those moments happened in intimate situations.

Then I realized that I had done this, and I wrote it freely, with all my petty, mean, vicious, angry judgments pouring forth. I thought to myself, I will just keep this to myself and do The Work on these thoughts ALL BY MYSELF. I will NEVER get facilitated on this.

But then I heard Byron Katie working with people on moments of physical or sexual contact with other people that were very troubling, and I remembered that when I first read Loving What Is, I almost gasped out loud when reading about a woman who was sexually abused as a child with an adult.

I thought, “Wait….you mean Katie is talking about even looking at THIS when it comes to our relationship with reality? But this IS terrible and horrifying and damaging for life, I could NEVER accept it!”

I wrote down my most foul, caustic, violent thoughts about those terrible abusers that mixed sexuality up with power and fear. I wanted to know the truth, for myself.

One day, I was driving by the strip club that is about a mile from my little cottage. I wrote down my thoughts later on this horrible place, that I hoped my children didn’t notice, even though there is a gigantic pair of women’s legs flashing in neon light 24 hours a day.

Then it occurred to me that I had never actually been inside the place, or any place like it, and I was scared of it. My ideas were all based on movies, hearsay and fear. I was mad at the sign…but what was that about?

A couple of weeks later, I went inside.

I looked, with open eyes, and had a very wide range of thoughts and feelings about all of it. I noted my most stressful thoughts. I had thoughts about the dancers, the men, the people who worked there, the person taking tickets…I mean, everyone there had so many problems!

Wow. I also saw beauty, and I saw that I didn’t really know what was going on.

By doing The Work this experience, I got the opportunity to ask more people about their experiences of attraction, romance, lust, and the differences between all of them. I asked people, if I could find them, why they liked going to such places, what they got out of it. It was so fascinating.

I got to facilitate many people through their beliefs about situations they felt disturbed by in their own lives that were similar.

I went for it and got facilitated by actual people on my own interests, attractions, lust, desires…by questioning awkward moments, scary moments, uncomfortable weird moments with other humans, I have grown beyond any boundaries I ever had around this topic.

To get that everyone is doing the best they can, is truly amazing. To get how fear brings on this huge wall of resistance and pain is such a relief.

I’ve never been interested in returning to the strip club, but I also notice, I’ve never thought the sign shouldn’t be there flashing itself anymore. Right now in this moment as I write, I discover I forgot all about it.

Next week there is still space in the teleclass Our Wonderful Sexuality class starting on Tuesday evenings 1/22 Pacific time (6:30-8:00 pm). If you’ve had the thought that you would never want to expose, or write about, or do the work “publicly” on this topic relating to sexuality or anything like it….this is a super safe, open container for questioning your most painful beliefs about it.

We have eight sessions and eight different exercises designed to help you write about those uncomfortable or disturbing situations that you want to investigate. Then we take the stressful thoughts to inquiry!

“We do not know what is outside the walls of the prison of our mind, because we have never ventured there. While our fear projects what is there, it cannot know. Fear cannot leave the prison because it must always guard its inmates. But, if the self collapses, if the walls come down, is it fear that remains, or is it freedom?” ~ Steven Harrison in Doing Nothing.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

January 16, 2013

The Path of Least Resistance Is For Losers

Many of us have heard of the phrase to take or avoid the path of least resistance. I think my father used it when I was quite young, reading it out of a book. He seemed thoughtful about it, and that it was good news.

It sounds easy. It sounds comfortable.

But some people think it’s a dangerous way to live.

H.G. Wells said “the path of least resistance is the path of the loser!”

Henry David Thoreau said “the path of least resistance leads to crooked roads and crooked men.”

GOSH! Those lazy, crooked, lying, LOSERS! I better go for the path with the MOST resistance, to be on the safe side. If it’s too easy, it could be bad news!

The other day I worked with a client on her young adult son who is expressing new defiance towards her in his life.

Often, people will say “if I do The Work, if I question all my beliefs…I’ll just accept and love everything and lie down on the floor like a bump and express nothing, do nothing, offer nothing, resist nothing.”

Truly allowing what is? NEVER! I need to resist, I need to push, I need to force, I need to BAM-POW-WHAM like Batman!

In physics, the path of least resistance is a natural phenomena. It’s the law, actually. Water always takes this path. All objects take the easiest path when they move through a system.

I love the martial arts directive “mind like water”. It’s written on my car steering wheel.

I notice thoughts appear. Thoughts within us rise. Here they are. You can’t stop them. They have energy. You can’t stop “thinking”.

I figure The Work, or the capacity to slow down and be with something and not know precisely and with hell-bent opinion that it’s true, is like the hill, the landscape, the way of it.

Yes, the thinking starts to run in grooves when you repeat them over and over and over again, starting at a very early age perhaps. The grooves, when unquestioned, can become as big as the Grand Canyon.

At the bottom of the Grand Canyon, you might have thoughts like:

it will take years to get out of here
I made a mistake
this sucks
this is hopeless, boring, frustrating, agonizing
I should have been questioning my thinking before this, then I wouldn’t be HERE
I should have resisted more
I didn’t resist, and now I’m a loser

Is this actually true? Can you know there is no next step, nothing now, and now, and change, and now?

Can we know that if we don’t resist something or someone, like our defiant son, that he will be lost, ruined, at the bottom of the canyon too?

Can we really know that the path of MOST resistance is the best path, the winner path, the successful path?

The mind loves to warn you about the bad stuff and bad people that could start appearing, have you noticed?

Who would you be without the thought that right now, in this moment, it will take years to get out of here, to change, that you made a mistake, that this sucks and is frustrating, that you should have gotten this earlier, you should have been more resistant, that you shouldn’t be here now?

Free. Excited. Joyful!

I might even do a little dance, I might jump for joy, I might feel like running up a hill! I might notice something new. I might have a wild, creative idea.

I might hug that defiant child of mine and tell him how amazing he is! I might ask him for more of his opinions, to tell me EVERYTHING he’s thinking about me.

Without resistance.

You might scan the landscape of your life with new eyes:

it will take less than a second to get out of here, it will certainly not take years
I did not make a mistake
this is exciting, awesome, fun, fascinating, an interesting predicament
I am here at just the right moment, just the right time
I should have resisted less
I didn’t resist, and now I’m a winner

“Whoever relies on the Tao in governing men doesn’t try to force issues or defeat enemies by force of arms. For every force there is a counterforce. Violence, even well intentioned, always rebounds upon oneself. The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”~ Tao Te Ching # 30

Feeling the need to force myself, to resist something, to resist someone else, I notice I am not believing in myself. I am not believing in the other.

I do not lie down, in my acceptance, for that would not really be fun, or easy.

I notice the path of least resistance is relaxing, waiting, sweet, non-violent, open, courageous, willing, peaceful. I notice the path of least resistance is full of love, like a little kid running towards its mom or dad.

I notice the path of least resistance accepts that the universe is out of control….like thinking.

Love, Grace

P.S. Last call, a spot left for Friday’s teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food, Noon – 1:30 Pacific time. Click below to register or send email with questions to grace@workwithgrace.com.

My Relationship With Food Changed After Your Class

“Dear Grace, I wanted to tell you that after I took your class for two months, I have never had the same difficult relationship with food again. That is a miracle. It’s been six months now, and I still can hardly believe it. I am simply not worried any more about my food, and this changed everything. I recommend it to anyone I know with eating troubles.”~EK Horrible Food Wonderful Food class participant

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

January 12, 2013

I Won’t Change Unless I Loathe Myself

This week I’ve talked with three wonderful people of very different ages and walks of life, all of whom wanted to do a session around their food, eating and body image troubles.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve had one year of unhappy eating, or a lifetime of unhappy eating…it’s painful, and that word “painful” doesn’t really sum it up.

I remember my battle with food. It was violent, crushing, despairing. I wanted to kill myself rather than live with such agony about what was “right” or “wrong” or “good” or “bad” about food.

One angel that I found to help me was author Geneen Roth. She had experienced similar violence and despair in this basic necessity of life: eating. She had been an 80 pound anorexic and a very heavy compulsive over-eater.

To the “normal” eater, being compulsive about food and eating can look extremely strange. Heck, it even looks strange to those of us with so-called abnormal relationships with food.

One of my favorite beliefs to question, way back when I first read Geneen’s book on recovering from emotional eating in the 1980s, was that I needed to control what I ate.

She wrote that if she continued to believe that she needed to control her weight, control her eating, control the content of her food…that she would, in fact, kill herself.

She said “Give up dieting. Period.”

I knew what she was saying was right for me. Because I hated with a passion all the diets anyway. I hated the fear and anxiety, the hunger, the attempt at perfection, and I hated weighing myself. I hated caring so much about what I weighed.

I knew that being thin did not offer happiness. I held onto that for a couple of years, almost anorexic, running cross-country competitively in college (briefly). I KNEW that forcing or controlling the food I ate was not joy. Over-eating was not joy, under-eating was not joy.

Recently I was remembering with a very good friend a time within the last decade when I threw myself more passionately into exercise, dance, biking, moving. My clothes got loose. I got compliments from people.

It was a kind of giddy, changing time. Divorce, rapid change, awareness, opening mind. I could eat snacks all day long and never cook and do whatever I wanted. I got extra light and airy.

But anything out of balance does not last. That body was not perfectly at peace at that time. It didn’t breathe deeply. And the energy shifted and slowly my clothes fit just right again. Who knows what the weight difference was, I don’t really know.

This kind of freedom to be whatever I am in the moment was unheard of in my past. Oh no. Always Something Wrong. Always Something To Improve. Always Thinner Is Better.

But I got a little whiff of freedom when reading Geneen Roth so many years ago. I knew this whole entire eating business was deeper than I thought.

I knew I could question “there is something WRONG with me” because I go on these frantic binges.

With a binge, I would believe: I loathe myself, I am worthless, I am immature, I am ridiculous, I am sick, I am pointless, I’m a freak.

I imagined that if I really believed I was OK, then I would keep binge-eating like a maniac out of control forever. All that self-hate was necessary for me to CHANGE.

If I didn’t hate myself, I wouldn’t even TRY to change, right?

Love myself? Impossible!

“Not wanting to change what is becomes a state of mind that is literally unimaginable. There’s no sacrifice in it, no deprivation–quite the opposite, in fact. It means to gain everything, the everything that is already yours, and the effect is peace. People who use The Work at home as a practice tell me that they find their own freedom. There is such joy in that, such peace, and it’s a story that can’t be told.”~Byron Katie

Can you imagine NOT wanting to change anything about food? Just let it be there?

Can you imagine closing your eyes and asking yourself, as if you are a little beautiful gorgeous precious being, if you are hungry or not, and exactly what you feel like eating?

Can you imagine waiting, taking a deep breath, slowing everything down, and giving up the idea that you better control yourself, or else?

Can you imagine not being surrounded by rules about food, or thinness, or fatness, and just seeing what is actually true for you only?

“The infinite is not somewhere else waiting for us to become worthy”. ~Tony Parsons

If you want to come explore your beliefs that you’ve repeated to yourself about foods, eating, your weight, thinness, and fatness, hunger and fullness….then join the teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food that starts next Friday Jan. 18th at noon Pacific time. 8 weeks (no class 2/22).

I Haven’t Enjoyed A Meal For Twenty Years, Until Now: Dear Grace, I had nice Thai food yesterday and caught myself thinking afterwards: I REALLY enjoyed this meal. Nothing more, nothing less. I can’t recall any time in the past 20 years when I had a thought like that. Thank you.~LP, teleclass participant

Opening Up By Looking At Food: So grateful for this whole process…the group…other people’s stories, friends, experiences, learning, so curious, relieved as I see food/eating opening up before my very eyes…~JB teleclass participant

Love, Grace

January 11, 2013

Money Is None Of Your Business

Last May after writing these Grace Notes for about 6 months, I received a paypal donation of $10. A month later someone sent $100. A couple months after that I got $25 and then another $10. And then $100 again.

Now that is a weird thing, when your beliefs about money and how you get it is supposed to be hard work, and you’re supposed to be selling something or doing something that feels work-ish.

When it first happened, I thought “what is this? is there some mistake?”

This person out in the world who had sent me that first $10 also sent me an email saying she was tithing to what supports her in her personal inner journey. And that would be these posts.

You mean, just by being myself and having this practice of writing…which actually feels like it’s for me, people express their appreciation by sending money?

Holy Moly. I was so moved. And I saw with more clarity some of my own assumptions about money, because receiving these donations turned some of my beliefs upside down.

This is what I thought before:

People pay you if you work very hard and give them a lot of energy, relief, attention, or time
You have to push, drive, be disciplined to make money
Money is NOT easy to get
I have to hide my true feelings if I’m going to get paid
The harder I work and the more time I work, the more money I will get
If I am enjoying myself or doing what I would do right now anyway, for fun, then it’s weird to get paid for it
If I wasn’t getting paid for something, I wouldn’t do it
If I had all the money in the world that I needed, I would do NOTHING and I would be FREE to go the SPA

Really?

One of the most fascinating insights I ever had around money was when I did The Work with Katie on those rich people out there. Those greedy, jet-ski-using consumers who cared about nothing but themselves and their money!

Those people who went to fancy restaurants, spas, tropical islands, and who drove big ridiculous cars.

I think someone called them the 1%. Like they are Someone Different, in a different category, living in a different world, than me.

Mother Teresa was OK, because she was putting all her millions towards suffering people, but that guy who bought himself a 2 hour massage, a Four Seasons Buffet lunch, and a fancy suit from Nordstroms…now THAT guy was a selfish, greedy prick.

When you have all these rules about what is good or bad or selfish or generous about money, then you have to be so careful all the time. You have to watch out for your own inner greedy self that wants to win the lottery and go to the spa.

Who would I be without the thought that if I had a lot of money I would turn into the hoarding, sneaking-to-the-spa rich person who offered nothing of value to the world?

I mean really….it’s like my evaluation of human nature (when having these thoughts of money), including my own, is that everyone would prefer to have fun and do nothing and never exchange energy for money in the form of “work”.

Is it true? Can I absolutely KNOW that this is TRUE?

No. I see tons of people with great amounts of money flowing through their hands who are very involved and interested in giving, changing, making a difference, creating.

No. I notice that I myself don’t really like to sit around. I like writing and creating. I love teaching. I love working with people. I’ve done it a lot for free. I’ve PAID for workshops myself!

What if the turnarounds are just as true or truer?

Money is easy to get, it is easy to receive, it just shows up, like air
People pay me if I work very easy and give myself a lot of energy, relief, attention and time
I have to relax, wait, and be undisciplined to make money–I have to allow my wild, chaotic, creative self to come forward and play
I have to expose my true feelings to get paid
The easier I play and the more time I play, the more money I will get
If I am enjoying myself and doing what I would do for fun, why not get paid for it
I do many things all day, every day, which don’t involved getting paid for it but I do it anyway….do I really have to get paid to do something?
Have you ever been in a spa all day? It gets boring. I would want to do more, very soon, beyond this.

I found out, too, that when I had only $10 left in my bank account, and a mortgage due, and a first late payment which is the first step on the road to foreclosure, and not enough money to get gas to drive my car somewhere….I was still breathing and thinking and warm, and comfortable.

Who would you be without the thought that you are greedy or that going to the spa is a waste of resources, or that luxury is not cool?

What if even all this was not true? What if money was not my business? What if I didn’t believe the thought that there is not enough money somewhere?

Free to find out who I really am. Free to relax. Free to have or not have and enjoy both states and question what fears present themselves.

“Abundance has nothing to do with money. Money is not your business; truth is your business. I am not going to get wealth on the other side of the truth; I am going to get something much more important than that, something so powerful that everything else looks like nothing. But as long as I think it should look like money, I am cheating myself.”~Byron Katie

How is it the most fun ever, the most wonderful, the most interesting, the most perfect that you have exactly as much money as you have….and those other people have the amount of money they apparently have?

Who would you be without your story of money?

Someone who is sent money by strangers, out of the “blue”.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.

January 9, 2013

MUST Get It Done To Succeed

Uh oh. I woke up the other day thinking I HAD to get something done that supported a new program I want to offer in this business.

It’s like a fiery feeling in the gut….determined, tight fists, almost angry. This WILL happen. I MUST not fail. I WILL get that finished. I was BORN to OFFER this.

Dang, that voice just will not let up sometimes! It begins to drown out other voices when I feel a bit fearful that the thing I need or want to accomplish is urgent, that there is danger in NOT accomplishing. The greater the fear, the louder the voice.

I MUST CREATE THIS, AND MAKE IT SUCCESSFUL. In some circumstances, this could be an exciting thought, but sometimes for me, it is stressful.

So I take it to inquiry, thank goodness.

My situation is not uncommon. I am a small business owner, so I’m the boss. It’s my responsibility (so it seems) to bring in the money. I cannot believe how much I love what I do, in the actual moment interacting with a person or a group, but the thinking about putting it together feels stressful.

The calendar, the scheduling, the promotion, the announcements. SO ANNOYING.

At the recent Cleanse event, where Byron Katie worked with so many people questioning their thoughts, someone did The Work on business.

She was angry with the head of her company. He was so pushy, he went so fast, he didn’t listen, she felt slighted. “He is making the company grow too fast!”

Jeez, I sure would like to have the stressful belief that my little miniscule one-man-show company is growing too fast! I’ll NEVER have THAT thought.

I’m almost embarrassed to even write about my “company” which has this focus on offering inquiry to whomever wants it. I have thoughts like “people should get this for free” and“making money isn’t spiritual” and “other people are doing it better than me”.

I mean, my penchant for the life of noble poverty, or thinking in that particular way, is very strong. The life of the monk sounds fine to me, much of the time.

But I am also interested in freedom.

I notice that money seems to be a means of exchange here on planet earth. I use it to enroll my child in a special school. I use it to buy food. I use it to fix my leaking roof, to buy the computer I write on, to drive a car, to learn from others, to attend the Byron Katie workshop.

This all might seem ridiculously obvious, but it has been amazing and wonderful to question whether or not I actually need money for all those things. I don’t, really.

But trying to get something faster than it is being gotten is *very* stressful in a subtle, little pinchey way. Like a little pin being stuck in my rib cage while I’m trying to run fast.

OW!

Is it really true that I have to get it done? That I have to move faster? That I need to work-work-work!? I notice that this is when I think I need some coffee. All by myself is not enough.

Not enough time, energy, skill, focus. I must push harder. Faster. Bigger.

Really?

Who would I be without the thought that every waking moment must be devoted to production and promotion, unless I’m taking a shower or at the gym?

I might get to breath for a moment. I might feel the emptiness all around me, and notice the beauty of This Here Now.

What is it I really want to GET if I do all the stuff on my list, anyway? What would I have, if I had all that success? If I had that project finished? If I had that outline completed? If I had more money?

Relaxation?

Byron Katie says, skip the middle man and relax right now. Skip the money and notice what is secure here. Skip the project being “done” and enjoy the incredible creativity that springs forth right now, in fits and starts, on its own timeline.

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way.”~Tao Te Ching #59

Without the thought that I need to DO something, faster, bigger, better….I am relaxing. I am smiling. I am resting. I am not interested in coffee. I do not push. I do not pull.

I am what I was looking for in the first place. Happy.

Much love, Grace

P.S. New teleclass times below!

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy.Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. OR Fridays, January 25 – March 22, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

January 8, 2013

Emergency! I Have A Big Feeling!

One of my experiences when I first encountered The Work was that I knew I felt bad in certain situations but I had no reference for what I was thinking. I had no thoughts! I just FELT TERRIBLE!!

The way I felt fairly often was….VERY uncomfortable: anxious, nervous, nauseated, angry, pessimistic, furious, desperate, sad, choked up, depressed.

When I felt that way, I noticed that I wanted to eat, smoke, or drink either alcohol or coffee, depending on the feeling. Or all of those at once.

I really wanted to change the feeling, I wanted to GET OUT of that terrible feeling, ASAP!

One thing that really helps when you feel panicked or very angry, any strong emotion, is to question the belief “I have to do something about this feeling”.

You have to do something….is that true?

DAMN RIGHT IT’S TRUE, I AM NOT PUTTIN’ UP WITH THIS!

It would feel like an emergency, like a big feeling-cloud coming over me, taking over.

Help! Quick! Something or someone come to the rescue! Where’s the mind-altering substance or experience that can distract and switch this feeling!? EMERGENCY!

But can you absolutely know that your Big Feeling is really something you have to do something with? Are you sure? What if you just waited, watched, and did NOT do anything?

I found out I was SAFE having a big feeling. It sounds kind of funny now, right? OMG! Horror movie! Anything but have a BIG FEELING!!

But that is really what I believed. I expected myself to be steady, have small, manageable feelings at all times. No fast heart beating, no crying, no despair, no rage.

Funny, but once I discovered it was safe to have a Big Terrible Feeling then I could much more easily become aware of what I was thinking.

Who would you be without the thought that feeling bad IS bad…and that you will keep feeling that way unless you DO something?

Things will slow down. Empty space will be a possibility. Waiting will be interesting.

In just a wee tad of willingness to stay with the feeling, the thoughts appear, and I can write them down.

I am angry because….I am frightened because…I am upset because….

Now we’re talkin! Feeling and Thinking are mixing it up, communicating with each other.

Close your eyes and wait 10 seconds before moving towards relieving your feeling. Write 3 sentences down about what is upsetting you. Ask yourself if you are SAFE right now, in this moment? I always notice that I am.

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”

This seems like a small thing. This seems like a very little thing to do. But it is not.

Taking one extra second before running away, squishing, destroying, or changing your feeling may change the course of your entire day, your entire week…your entire life.

You may not want to eat anything, or smoke, or drink coffee or alcohol, or do that other thing or take a drug or go on auto-pilot the way you often do. You may notice just a little something different inside, an openness to be with exactly what is, in that moment. All your reactions. All your feelings.

It is not a small thing to notice that you don’t want to do self-destructive or compulsive behavior anymore.

“Everything supports you whether or not you even notice it, whether or not you think about it or understand it, whether you love it or hate it, whether you’re happy or sad, asleep or awake, motivated or unmotivated.”~Byron Katie

Even Big Feelings support you. They are part of reality.

If you want the last spot open for this coming Saturday/Sunday workshop Horrible Food Wonderful Food then email me right away. We come together to look at feelings and what they are expressing, and get to the thoughts that we believe that produce them.

By questioning our painful thoughts…we may no longer feel like over-eating or obsessing about food, weight and diet. How amazing is that!

Much love, Grace

January 4, 2013

Resenting What Is

Welcome to all the new subscribers. Really…so very humbled that you come along on this journey and I am so touched and happy that you are HERE. I love company.

This wasn’t always the case. I was always trying to get away from people.

And then when I was alone, I was trying to get away from my own mind.

What a dilemma! You were irritating and so was I. Kind of a bummer, right?

No situation is good, in this scenario. Every situation could be improved. No satisfaction, no true comfort, no peace.

Eckhart Tolle says the ego LOVES its resentment of reality. Isn’t that amazing?

I ask myself….why? Why would I get off on this resentment of what is? This is not a trick question. It is an actual question. Like, pretend you came from another planet and you find out this is what people do here….they resent what is. Now, see if as an observer you can discover why they would do that.

I am RIGHT, not wrong. I am brilliant, the One-Who-Knows-All.
I am more brilliant than God/Source/Whomever Set This Up/Reality.
If people are suffering here…well, that wasn’t MY idea.
I am so powerful, with all this brilliance, to see what is WRONG.
It is not my fault…I am innocent. I am not to blame for this mess.
It’s their fault. Those people are schmucks. Not me.
I can’t help being here. This was an accident. I didn’t ask to be born.
I can remember, daily, what is wrong with this planet and through that, be reminded of what an innocent victim I am.
I’m off the hook. Not Guilty!

So much fear!

OMG what if I don’t resent what is? Could it then be all up to me? My fault, my problem? But, but, but….I don’t know what to do! I am actually nothing! I’m powerless! A tiny speck in the middle of a gigantic universe!

Exactly.

It’s like if I stop resenting what is, then I’ll have to be faced with the Unknown. I’ll have to admit that I don’t get all THIS. That the little details and resistances of this tiny life are not important. At all.

It will be revealed that I have no idea what’s going on. Which I don’t.

Good News.

“The moment you become aware of a negative state within yourself, it does not mean you have failed. It means that you have succeeded.”~ Eckhart Tolle

I used to think that if I gave up resenting things, people, places, events, weather, life, death, and being “stuck” here….that I would see how meaningless it all is, that it would be even worse, that I would see how pointless, that I would feel absolute despair.

Despair is just another form of resentment, of doubting that THIS is OK.

What if this world is wonderful, friendly, beautiful? What if it is all a big misunderstanding? What if what you are most afraid of is not actually true? What if death, losing an arm, someone getting killed, scary people, or being alone are actually not a problem?

But I will be a traitor if I give up my resentment of reality! Everyone will think I’m crazy!

Aren’t you crazy already? As Byron Katie says, you do what you’re doing, and you either love it or hate it, but you’re still doing “it”. Living.

What if Reality is doing its thing and you’re in this soup and there’s nothing you can do about it, and that is actually NOT A PROBLEM?

“You are the light of Presence, the awareness that is prior to and deeper than any thoughts and emotions.”~Eckhart Tolle

Much love, Grace

NEW! 2013 January Teleclasses! As always, please write if you need financial assistance. Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, January 14-March 11, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class February 25th.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy.Tuesdays, January 8 – February 26, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, January 11 – March 1, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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January 3, 2013

No One Does Anything Around Here Except ME!

This morning I had the thought “everyone in this house is sooooo lazy!”

No one puts their dishes in the dishwasher! No one vaccuums! No one cleans the bathroom! No one takes out the garbage! No one cleans their room! No one goes to bed early! No one hangs up their wet towels after showering! No one accomplishes ANYTHING! EXCEPT ME!!

Yup.

Sigh.

I started believing these thoughts…and could feel the energy of frustration surround me. I heard this mouth say “no one has done anything around here since I’ve been gone!” And I heard one absolutely dear and sweet person who lives here say he was working six hours yesterday on house upkeep (my husband).

I felt the attack towards what these eyes were seeing. MESS. And then how fast this voice moves towards blaming ALL THESE LAZY PEOPLE! (Not me).

Even if I don’t speak while believing these thoughts….the people I live with get that something is going on called “she is not pleased”.

And then, about as quickly as the stream of thoughts that are against the mess rise up, there is another viewpoint that is saying “are you sure this is unpleasant? are you sure this is bad? are you sure you don’t like what you see?”

How is it a good thing that this particular body and eyeballs take a look at the house and sees a mess that was made when I was away?

Who would I be without the thought that no one accomplishes anything around here, except me?

I would see the stunning accomplishment of each and every person who lives in this house. They are all alive, pulsing with life around me! Where did they come from? A husband, a daughter, a son.

Other humans, breathing, moving, talking, making sounds, laughing…Amazing!

I would see the miraculous abundance of things and stuff and furniture, dishes, laptop, computer wires, towels, glasses, dishwasher, sink, the new cherry red vacuum I bought two weeks ago.

Then very suddenly the house is empty and all those other humans have left for school and work and the place is silent, and this body moves around touching and wiping and vacuuming and sweeping and taking this item from here, and putting it there.

And then this mind, suddenly it seems, knows it was believing un-true thoughts for a minute. It knows there was resistance, fighting, anger, frustration. This mind that can question itself remembers, almost as instantly as the resistant feelings came in, that THIS moment is a teacher.

Why is it a good thing that I return home after being away, and notice that what needs to happen is cleaning?

Then this mind feels so grateful. And I begin to cry and sob, and I sit down on the couch and I write this for my daily Grace Notes inquiry, right now.

Tears streaming down my cheeks for being able to question that attacking mind that is so vicious, commanding, brutal. That mind that says NO ONE else does ANYTHING around this house! ONLY ME!!

This was war in a tiny eensy little moment….about dirty dishes and wet towels, apparently. That Mean Voice can turn housework into World War III.

And Inquiry then comes forward, on the tails of the Mean Voice that wants everything it’s own way and thinks it is the Ruler of the Universe….

“There’s something out of order on planet earth….and it’s NOT ME!” ~Byron Katie at The Mental Cleanse 2012

The amazing thing is that all of us are able to watch ourselves. We see ourselves do that critical thing, or get angry, or get sad, or terrified.

I wanted everything to be “in order” today so I could “have time” to do fifty thousand things I wanted to do….none of which were housecleaning, so I thought. Anxiousness was there before I ever got upset with mess. My MIND was messy before I even SAW the house mess.

Cluttered thoughts, busy, busy, great expectations, plans, speediness, hope, dreams, wanting to sit and finish my curriculum for a one-year program for the Addictive Mind that I’ve been working on for quite a long while now (as defined by the Big Boss Mind). Wanting to finalize the plans for the Pain, Sickness and Death class. Wanting to go to the gym. Faster, faster, faster, faster screams the mind!

I turnaround everything in this moment. The speed and pace that is happening in my life is just right. The plans I have are unfolding in just the right order.

The most important thing new is housework, de-cluttering on the physical level. Using this moment to de-clutter the mind.

I surrender.

“Just decide that no matter what the mind says, you aren’t getting involved.”~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

I surrender.

“Seeing into the darkness is clarity. Knowing how to yield is strength. Use your own light and return to the source of light. This is called practicing eternity.”~ Tao Te Ching #52

Everything that was ever truly important is being accomplished around here, just for me.

My sanity. My awakening.

Thank you, family, for leaving the dishes and vacuuming in just that perfect state so that I could watch myself trying to be the Boss of the Universe, and choose peace instead of war.

Who knows what can come next….in such a friendly universe.

Much love, Grace

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, January 14-March 11, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class February 25th.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 8 – February 26, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, January 11 – March 1, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

December 30, 2012

Live From The Cleanse!

WOW. Today several hundreds of people from all over the world came to gather in a big hotel conference room in Los Angeles, California, to listen to Byron Katie the woman who discovered and practices The Work, a way to question your beliefs that feel painful.

I love how we are all here at the Mental Cleanse, as it’s called, to question our answers.

These are the answers we came up with long ago. These are the answers that landed inside us without even thinking they might not be true….we just thought automatically they were.

Byron Katie suggests that when we have difficult thoughts about someone or something, some event, some entity, ANYTHING, then we are remaining blind to what the truth really is.

We are closing ourselves off, somehow, for some reason. We are centered in fear, in thinking things could be better. We are not relaxed, we have an opinion that it should go another way than it did.

Several incredible people stepped up onto the stage to sit in the empty chair next to Katie. In their hands, they held their worksheets. These are their painful thoughts, written down, on that one person or situation that was deeply disturbing.

To find your painful thoughts, the simple directions are to hold that person or situation in your mind, as clear as you can even if it happened fifty years ago, and write down what you believe you needed, what you wanted, what that person should or should NOT have done, said, or thought.

These are our objections. They come in swarms like flies. They sometimes feel overwhelmingly full of bad yucky feelings….gut-wrenching, deep, horrifying feelings. The kinds many of us want to avoid.

We remember that thing that happened and we say “I don’t ever want to think about it again, I don’t even want anything even remotely close to it to ever, ever happen again.”

Everyone in the room wrote one of these sheets (or maybe two) full of their thoughts about one difficult situation.

They are so brave, so willing, so filled with a desire to stop believing their painful thoughts!

A man spoke of his greatest desire that his own mother would be happy. She seemed to complain constantly. The food is not right, the weather is not right, the amount of time in the car is uncomfortable, the surroundings are not right.

The audience laughed….and it is a laugh of relating to this man, who was wanting his mother to CHANGE.

A woman spoke of her recent cancer, and the terrifying thought that it could be coursing through her whole body, RIGHT NOW!

A mother spoke of her terrible angst with her son who doesn’t pay his bills or his rent on time, so she needs to step in to take care of it.

As we all listened to these brave individuals on stage, or sharing with the microphone to the whole group, honesty is seeping out into the room. We aren’t trying to be spiritual anymore. We’re being REAL.

Rage, despair, fear, sadness is described, with these upsetting people in our lives…brothers, sons, parents, friends…

As I heard other peoples’ thoughts and they brought them into inquiry and began to not take them so seriously, it struck me once again how the people who hurt us are the ones who teach us the most, if we let ourselves be taught.

These people who hurt us? They LOVE us. They are being themselves, full of love, living their lives, and bumping into us in this way that challenges our basic core beliefs.

We have to grow up, or suffer. No other choice.

The suffering begins to stop when conversation happens, when the truth is told, when people move towards and face their most terrible beliefs…the ones they wish they didn’t even think were true.

This cancer needs to leave me alone
She should be happy
He lied to me
He needs to pay his rent
She is stupid
He criticizes me
I hate her voice

With just one thought written on paper, you have one of your “conclusions” or your “answers” right there in front of you, stopped and caught red-handed.

And then you can start to question your answers. Because, as Katie herself says, the Don’t Know Mind is the most fun and wonderful place to be.

I keep finding out that what she says is accurate.

When I turn around my stressful beliefs, and un-do my thought-system, I get goose bumps. I actually feel excited. I don’t need as much sleep. I am thrilled….for no reason.

Because I didn’t find any set answer. I only found that the person WASN’T critical, and I was just as critical by the way, and there’s no one to blame.

Nothing to do, nothing to get, nothing to say, nothing to be…just UN-believing all these thoughts I repeat and repeat, over and over.

“As long as we think there is something to get (or something we’ve gotten that we need to hold onto, or identify with, or remain ever-mindful of), we will suffer. When it is recognized that there is literally nothing to get and no one to get it, that is freedom.“~Joan Tollifson

So I am here at the Cleanse, listening, being, noticing…knowing there are no answers here, but more and more beautiful, holy, open, unknown, mysterious questions.

Everything is good, everything is good.

My life project is, can I see this?

Best. Project. Ever.

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.“~Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, January 14-March 4, 2013, 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 8 – February 26, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, January 11 – March 1, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

December 29, 2012

Quick Glance New Classes Starting Soon!

This morning just a quick look below at the fun, powerful, and truly wonderful teleclasses that start this next month. I can’t wait!!

Plus the in-person Seattle weekend on food, eating and your body on January 12 – 13, which is filling up, known affectionately as Horrible Food Wonderful Food: The Live Intensive Version.

I hope you can join us for one of these fabulous groups.

Meanwhile…I just realized this is my anniversary of beginning this Grace Notes blog (thank you to the amazing people, especially Jack, who were so encouraging about this….I love that you couldn’t stop nagging me to WRITE).

I will send my “Live From The Cleanse” updates, as I spend my time with Byron Katie!

If you’re at the Cleanse event in Los Angeles yourself, please come find me and say hello. I love meeting and hearing from you readers. Thanks for all your emails!

Much love, Grace

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, January 14-March 4, 2013, 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 8 – February 26, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, January 11 – March 1, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.