The Work of Byron Katie – Page 71 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

December 28, 2012

I Shouldn’t Have Known Better

Most people have felt at some point in their lives that they have been accused of something they didn’t do. At least not 100%, not intentionally, not with meanness or calculation in their hearts.

You might have rear-ended someone once, or dropped something precious that belonged to someone else, or told a secret you didn’t know you weren’t supposed to tell, or done something that caused someone great fear or rage.

Once I was driving on the freeway with windows rolled down and music playing and it finally occurred to me someone in the lane next to me was honking. When I looked over at her, she flipped me the finger.

I will never know exactly what I did, but whatever it was, she was furious.

It stung in my heart, even though it was a stranger.

I remember another moment when I waited in a very crowded parking lot with my newborn baby in his car seat for a space near the entrance, since my back hurt and I had no stroller. I circled the lot.

Finally someone pulled out and I turned on my blinker, waited, and took the empty parking place left behind. Ten minutes later inside the store a man with fury in his eyes approached me and said “THAT was VERY discourteous of you!!”

Did he have the right person? Who was he? My face got red and flustered. I saw he was indeed looking straight at me and shaking with anger. I asked “What was?”

“YOU TOOK MY PARKING PLACE!”

Hilarious, really.

But at that time, I, too, was then shaking with the man….and I wanted to cry.

If someone is extremely angry with me, I could still have the initial gut-wrenching fearful reaction. But THANK GOD now I have The Work.

I’ve done something unforgivable
Things will never be the same
I deserve to be punished
I am worthy of being hated, left, scorned
I should get out of here

Is it true that you are a piece of dirt, worthy of punishment, a bad person, a thoughtless person? Should you have known better?

No, I can’t know that this is true. Really think about it. Can you know if it’s absolutely true beyond a shadow of a doubt? Given everything you knew right at that exact moment?

Are you sure you could have known better? Are you the ruler of the universe?

Many people will say “YES YES YES! I did know better! I could have paid closer attention! I was doubtful! I had lots of information! I am smart than that! I should have done it differently!”

You see how you are when you believe these thoughts: There is no way out, no way to freedom, no gentleness, no love, no peace….only regret and a sick feeling in your gut.

But who would you be WITHOUT the thoughts that you should have done it differently? Without the thought that you did something wrong, or that you shouldn’t have caused someone pain?

Free. Curious. Excited. Ready to listen. Compassionate towards that other hurting human. Trusting. Willing to relax in the face of all this. Willing to have a DON’T KNOW mind…not jumping to the conclusion that you yourself are a piece of junk.

“True words aren’t eloquent; eloquent words aren’t true. Wise men don’t need to prove their point; men who need to prove their point aren’t wise. The Master has no possessions. The more he does for others, the happier he is. The more he gives to others, the wealthier he is. The Tao nourishes by not forcing. By not dominating, the Master leads.”~Tao Te Ching #81

When someone is impacted by you and your words, your actions, your behavior, your life and they appear MAD or SAD…instead of imploding into yourself and believing you are BAD BAD BAD…nourish yourself, give love. Take a deep breath. Time out.

No forcing necessary, no need to dominate your negative thoughts, no need to do anything.

The opposite of what you were thinking, the turn-arounds to everything, are all as true as your terribly painful stressful thoughts:

I’ve done something important, something forgivable
It’s wonderful that things are changing and no longer the same
I deserve to live, to be accepted, loved, happy
I am worthy of being loved, connected to, set free
I should stay

Love, Grace

NEW! 2013 January Teleclasses! As always, please write if you need financial assistance. Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, January 14-March 4, 2013, 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy.Tuesdays, January 8 – February 26, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, January 11 – March 1, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

December 27, 2012

Live As You Know Yourself To Be

This year starting last fall, I have been studying with a very small group and a kind, loving leader, Stephan Bodian (author of Wake Up Now).

He sent out a short email to those of us in his school recently and signed it “Live As You Know Yourself To Be”.

The real, genuine, authentic, alive YOU.

I found the idea so sweet and comforting, all in the instant of reading it.

It reminded me that sometimes we live as we know ourselves NOT to be: telling a painful story, worried, living in scarcity, nervous that the sky is falling, upset with someone we know who did something uncomfortable for us, pushing against things that happen, pulling against other things that don’t happen.

Not that any of these things are wrong. Something occurs that sets us off into being afraid and we react. We get images filling our minds of fearful possibilities, or something that happened in the past repeating itself.

So how do I know myself to BE? What is this me that is here, that I’m aware of?

I know, I know…we can’t get a straight answer. There’s a lot of mystery in the “me”.

There are all the ways we might describe ourselves to others….I am a woman almost age 52, with two teenagers, recently married to a fabulous husband, and I live in Seattle, used to be bulimic and smoked, teach The Work of Byron Katie, meditator. Blah blah blah.

This is not who I know myself to be, though. All those things are changeable, dynamic, shifting. None of that will stay the same. It’s just a description of a body or demographic.

Who I know myself to be? What is the answer when I ask “who am I?”

REALLY, who are you?

Gawd, the question can be soooooo annoying!

At least it used to annoy me. Until I realized it’s always hanging in the background, so might as well get used to it. Even if there doesn’t seem to be a clear answer.

If I live the way I know myself to be, then I land on what I do know that brings me freedom, that is not stressful.

What I am is alive, loving, thrilled, joyful, empty, mysterious, a temporary body, energy, openness, happy, an entity of some kind with different emotions and expressions.

If you aren’t sure you like what you are, who you are, and how you are, then doing The Work is amazing as a way to inquire.

I love one exercise that I’ll share with you today that I often like to include in some of my teleclasses or workshops. It is from Byron Katie’s book “I Need Your Love–Is That True?”

Step One. Make a list of what you think you don’t want a particular person (your wife, your mother, your children) or even all of humanity, to know about you.

Step Two. Turn it all around. Read you list again but begin it with “What I DO want you to know about me is…” (You don’t have to tell it out loud to anyone). Experience this internally, for yourself. Discover if any of it is as true as or truer than your original list. If possible, read your list to someone out loud, without defense or justification.

Everyone always says to be yourself, but it takes much inquiry sometimes and great courage to even find out what you are.

“There are two ways of being me: One is to hate it and one is to love it. Which will it be (since I don’t have a choice but to be me?) Okay, I’ll be me, and question my thoughts about ME until I see me as perfect in every way, even sweeter than perfect. Someone has got to be happy in this world. Good that it’s me. I definitely volunteer.”~Byron Katie

If you’d like to join other courageous and thoughtful people, who always appear to do The Work, then look over the list below of the new teleclasses starting in January and JOIN us.

You’ll be learning to slow down and question your experiences and your relationships in your life…with money, food, your body, an important person, sexuality.

We’re all in this together, and doing The Work in a small group is a beautiful way to learn to love who you are, without shame, embarrassment, angst, or hiding.

I received this note today from a participant who took the Money, Work and Business course last year (the class is called Earning Money: Is There A Problem?):

Dear Grace,
Thank you.
A year ago you gave me a discounted place on one of your business courses.
I went into it open minded but not exactly sure what (if any) impact it would have.
At the very outset of the course I remember you saying that we should deal with whatever will stop us from fully participating in the course.

That simple challenge meant it was the first course that I have taken that I completely participated in (and I have taken a lot of courses).

I am still working with my issues around money however in terms of my business…
… it doubled within a year of taking the course.

Working with you was a major consciousness shift.
It was a brilliant and worthwhile investment on many levels.
Thank you for your valuable work – and very welcome grace notes.
–Class participant from Kenya

Love,
Grace

**Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, January 14-March 4, 2013, 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

**Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 8 – February 26, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

**Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

**Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, January 11 – March 1, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go towww.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

December 23, 2012

You Are Not Your Monkey Mind

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Many of us have heard the term Monkey Mind these days. It’s used to describe the thought pattern that seems busy, nervous, compulsive and illogical (even though we pretend its logical) and totally reactive to whatever is going on, like it’s the end of the world or something.

(DOH!)

The Tibetan Buddhists call it “sem”. It’s the part of the mind that acts like a candle flickering in an open doorway, moving wildly and chaotically around with every passing puff of air.

The Monkey Mind will blow in the breeze on any topic. You KNOW what I’m talkin’ about, right?!

The bigger the anxiety or possibility for Not Knowing what will happen….or actually fearing something BAD could happen…the busier that Monkey gets.

Big topics are Losing Money, Troubling Relationships, Rejection, Health Declining, Death of Someone Close.

Anything that feels threatening really, to the Monkey Mind, will get it to rise up and chatter. Sometimes it will chatter so loud it wakes you up at night.

I thought you’d be more successful by now!
You only have “x” amount of years left on this planet, get moving!
I can’t: lose weight, stop drinking, stop smoking, take care of myself
If this pace keeps up, I’ll never reach enlightenment
I give up
She/he/they shouldn’t have said that, acted like that, done that
I need more or better: money, food, house, car, body, partner, sex
Thank you for sharing, Monkey Mind! (JEEZ!)

Have you noticed how mean that thing can be? So rude! So critical! It will attack everyone around; your best friend, the people closest to you, and then YOU too!

The great spiritual teachers and philosophers who have lived and written throughout the ages generally say the same thing about this aspect of the human experience of thinking…

They say that this voice, this busy bee hive colony, is not really YOU. It’s not your true nature, it’s not the whole of you, it’s not your genuine self, not all of your Mind.

The thing is, while it’s helpful to hear what those teachers say, it’s not so hard to find out for yourself that this Monkey within is not you.

You can question the thoughts it is throwing out. Then the thoughts begin to feel not so serious, or 100% true, or absolute, or important.

When you ANSWER questions like the ones offered in The Work (below) then some bigger part of you gets to have a look. The Observer.

How do you know where to begin? How do you know which thoughts you are thinking that you might want to question?

The thoughts that scare you or make you mad, sad, or unhappy.

And in the middle of the Monkey Mind screaming forest of sounds, you have to grab just ONE of the thoughts and look at it in depth…investigate it.

I need to figure this out, I must calm down, I have to have an answer, I need to know, I need help….

Is it true? Even if you think it IS true, can you absolutely know that it’s true?

How do you react when you’re believing the Monkey Thought? The one that seems so serious and important and real? Do you notice how stressful it is?

Who would you be or WHAT would you be if you didn’t even believe what that Monkey Mind was saying?

Who would you be if you were watching, but not in the middle of the tornado swirling, the cacophony of insane ideas and sounds, or if there was 85 kinds of music playing at once and you didn’t freak out?

Who would you be if you didn’t have to figure it out, or try to calm down, or interpret the situation, or find THE answer, or fix it, or get away from that person, or get more, or do more, or be different than you are?

This exercise of asking oneself who you would be without the stressful thoughts is what it is like to allow the whole situation, the whole predicament, the whole story…to be as it is without trying to change it anymore, mentally.

“The ego thinks we would become indifferent to everything and uncaring in the face of this nonresistance. But actually something different happens. Instead of being uncaring, we actually come into a deeper and more intimate relationship with what’s happening. We become very deeply connected….This opens up a door within us for an entirely different response—a response that’s not based in opposition.”~Adyashanti

What if all your stressful thoughts are not really YOU? What if all your worries don’t really matter? What if you let go?

What if there’s no perfect solution to the problem? What if you can’t fix it? What if there’s nothing you can do about it and it’s OK? More than OK?

“Having been reduced to nothing, nothing may then express itself. This expression of nothingness is love. Love is without a source and without an object, it has always been present.”~ Steven Harrison

Love,
Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

December 21, 2012

That Mean Nasty Person Cut Me Off

A most sweet client recently came to me with concern for the way someone really close to her had cut her off.

Oh boy…one of my favorite repetitive beliefs. I could relate! I may have mentioned this once or twice before. But there was an interesting new little piece of the puzzle that I noticed more clearly.

The belief that SINCE that person was CAPABLE of distancing, getting mad, cutting me off, going silent, running away, ending the relationship, banishing me…..IT MEANS THAT:

he is mean and nasty
they are stupid, immature, vindictive, wrong, ill, crazy, harsh, hard
he is not loving
she is a terrible person
she is too much of a scaredy cat
she must not have really loved me
I can’t forgive that person
good riddance!

Oopsy Daisy. Unfortunately, this kind of attack-mode can use up a lot of energy mentally and emotionally.

And no one likes being mad at someone else. Just about EVERYONE, if given a choice between hating someone and feeling love and forgiveness towards them will always choose love and forgiveness.

People really are amazing at the core.

So as we looked at the whole set up together, this honest woman and I, she could find how even though the person in question no longer has cut her off (always good to notice) she thinks of how he was capable of it before. How all that time passed without contact.

And she feels sad, and angry, and maybe other feelings as well. Not exactly happy, relaxed, gentle feelings. Not stress-free.

When we get hurt, sometimes it stings for awhile. Sometimes it stings for YEARS. That’s the way of the mind when we don’t investigate the situation.

Is it really, actually 100% true that the person who cut you off is unloving? Are they really too harsh? Given who they are, and what their whole life experience has been….can you know it’s true that they should be different?

Are you sure it would be better if they stuck around?

What if this is like “It’s A Wonderful Life” only in reverse? The thing that is wanted is for the person to be close, connected, around, present. But what happened in reality is the person is distant, absent, gone, bye-bye.

Maybe the way the movie would play out, if the person STAYED, is NOT SO GOOD. Maybe all kinds of totally and completely unforeseen things would play out, if they were present.

Maybe they needed to be gone, for that period of time. Maybe that was just what the doctor ordered, for you. Your path. Your freedom.

How is it OK that this person acted like that? How was it actually, dare I say it, LOVING that they exited out, cut you off, said *NO CONTACT* in that tone of voice?

When my former husband moved out….I started doing The Work as if my life depended on it.

It did.

Because being able to feel trust, acceptance and love was what I wanted most. What all of us want most.

When he left, I could ask myself how this might be a friendly situation? How could this bring me new possibilities? What if this is my ticket to God? What if THIS was my path to peace?

Would I take it away?

Sometimes you don’t know right away what the positive is. Sometimes you don’t know why that person is gone, how that could be good for you.

Or why that job is gone, the money is gone, the time has run out, your health is not good, the day is over, or the birds flew away.

But you don’t have to know.

Examples of how it is true that it is a good thing that the person left when they did (and maybe returned again later) will come to you, if you’re open to it.

“Every single human being is trying his best. We’re all doing the best we can. But when we believe what we think, we have to live out those thoughts. When there’s chaos in our heads, there’s chaos in our lives. when there’s hurt in our thinking, there’s hurt in our lives. Love thy neighbor as thyself? I always have. When I hated me, I hated you. That’s how it works. If I hate someone, I’m mistaking them for me, and solutions remain hidden.”~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

December 20, 2012

I Gotta Quit But I Can’t

Yesterday I spoke with a gentle man who wanted to quit smoking. He started when he was a teenager. He’s been smoking for forty years. He might now have lung cancer.

He had tried to quit many times, more than ten. Sometimes he stopped for a couple of days, sometimes a week, sometimes 3 weeks.

And he said, with sadness in his eyes, “I don’t know why I start again…but I do, every time.”

I asked him about that moment when he has an urge to smoke.

The mind moves so fast, it likes to cover up or run past things that are uncomfortable, brush them under the rug. If it can’t brush them away or put it in a closet, then the way thoughts usually go, it seems, is that they get louder, angrier, more stressful, enraged.

The first step the Worried Mind thinks it needs to do, is to silence that tiny uncomfortable moment, thought, or experience…the second step is to try to crush it and destroy it and make sure it never happens again.

But that uncomfortable moment will happen again when this dear man quits smoking.

He has been so amazing to choose to smoke really, to bring himself to these moments of life/death and uncertainty.

There are many thoughts and beliefs that feel true that swirl around for people when they have something going on like smoking….and one of the most wonderful discoveries is finding out what is there, really, below the surface.

To get down under the situation and drill down into the core feelings and thoughts…you often have to start up on the surface.

For me, this is what the surface thoughts up on the outer crust are like:

I need a cigarette
Screw it, I want to be free to do whatever I please
I gotta get outta here
I hate (fill in the blank…that person, traffic, the rain)
I don’t fit in here
I need to calm down

These kinds of thoughts will surface and BOOM, right after they appear…you’re smoking.

Problem solved, situation over…NEXT. You escaped that moment and now, you can move on to the next one.

It feels a little safer to stay up here on the surface, dancing along with starting, quitting, relapsing, not even trying anymore, then trying, then quitting again.

Because under the surface is a bit scarier. At least it was for me. Digging down, there were more dangerous and frightening thoughts:

Life is hard
I don’t know how to deal with people
Everyone abandons me
I just want a little comfort in this difficult world
I will die
I can’t stand being here
I’m a terrible person
The world is a dangerous place, bad things have happened here

NOOO! I can’t admit that I think thoughts like this sometimes! What a pessimist! What a nervous wreck!

Have you noticed that the mind will turn on you just to have a target of its angst? It really seems to be compelled to ATTACK. Busy busy busy.

But to stop, and slow the difficult moment down into slow motion, or even if it’s speedy and screaming “RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!”

STOP and ask…..”is it true, that I need to do something, eat something, smoke something, ingest something, get outta here, get away from that person, quit feeling this feeling, quit thinking this way?”

I can’t stand this. Is it true? Are you absolutely sure? What is it specifically that you can’t stand? Living this whole life in a world that is dangerous and unpredictable?

Whew.

Who would I be without this thought that the world is a dangerous and unpredictable place? That I can’t take it? That I’d rather not be here?

I’d enter a place where I don’t know for sure what this all is. I’d be aware of how I don’t get it. Not knowing. Open. Empty. Wondering. Waiting. Not so scared. Feeling disturbed but not deciding anything, not doing anything.

Silence. Patience. Willingness. Falling and letting myself fall.

Curious to see what happens without smoking or eating something, without watching TV or seeking distraction. You mean, I COULD stand it? Maybe?

If you turned this thought all the way around and found examples of how this world is safe, this moment is ultimately safe, that you are safe right now…can you look at your life this way? Can you find genuine examples?

So far, I’ve noticed that I have been able to stay alive even though I am terrified. Without me even trying. I have been able to feel feelings, and question thoughts about this world and find that I’m not 100% sure it’s 100% terrible.

Yes, the world is completely and entirely unpredictable, it seems…but perhaps this is not a bad thing. Perhaps it is the way of it. OK. Not a problem.

The less afraid I have become, the less need for smoking, drinking, eating, distracting, thinking, ruminating…

I am willing to be afraid again today, I am willing to be terrified, I am willing to feel hurt or nervous, I am willing to live in an unpredictable world, I am willing to Not Know what is going on around here.

Because so far, I have been living in an unpredictable world, as it turns out…whether or not I gave it permission to be unpredictable.

“This unknowing has no limits. It extends beyond what we perceive to all we feel and think and do. It is ceasing to know how to cope with life, where we are going, what to do after the immediate task is done, what’s going to happen to us tomorrow, next week, next year. It’s walking one step at a time and blindfolded, in the assurance that the Space here–which is nothing and knows nothing but Itself–will nevertheless come up, moment by moment, with what’s needed.”~D.E. Harding from On Having No Head

You can handle any moment, anything that happens, anything you feel. You’ll handle it, even if you think you can’t. That’s the good news.

Today I have no urge to smoke, binge, drink heavily, and escape intensely with activity because I found out I couldn’t crush the uncomfortable moment, no matter what…

Reality won.

Love, Grace
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

December 18, 2012

Once Upon A Time – When Is It OK To Tell A Story?

Today I received a voice message. The person was a stranger, and she left a very long message, expressing gratitude for the wonderful care her relative was receiving from me.

But I never heard of this relative. She had the wrong person. She had done a google search and landed on the wrong counselor/coach/facilitator and called me, instead of the correct person.

So I called her back to tell her she had been mistaken, and I told her she should continue her search so she could find the right person.

She said “Oh, I am so glad you called because I have been confused, and really wanted to say thank you because this is what happened, and then this other thing happened, and then I was sad, and then yet another thing happened, and this is how it was handled, and I was surprised, and then someone else did something, and another person said something else, and then another thing changed, and then more people did these things and said other things, and then I was happy…”

I reminded her that I was actually the wrong number…so she might want to try to find the right number so she could call THAT person, who might like to hear the story.

In my mind, the fun thing I noticed with this sweet woman, who was probably elderly although I can’t be sure….is that she had her story.

This story was a true story for her, and a very important story, and a very up-and-down story with many twists and characters, and it didn’t matter who was listening really.

Just like me.

Boy howdy, in the past could I ever tell you the tale of what happened and who did it, and who said what, and you could listen for a few days and I probably wouldn’t be done.

Maybe the not-so-distant past!

Byron Katie often speaks of the benefit for someone doing The Work of not “going into story”.

This is a diving into and going under water with explaining and justifying and asking for advice and finding out who is right and who is wrong and hashing out the details.

This is very different from watching events unfold, and telling them in a most clear, powerful way, so that someone hears you….maybe for the first time.

I find that when I tell a story, when the core of it is for my own awareness, to find out what I was believing and replay it in order to wake up, then this is the place the story can exist.

I hold that story in my mind. I look at it from every angle. I feel the emotions, the sensations. I note the ideas.

This is the way I make discoveries….I see my story for what it is. A story.

Anthony De Mello, the wonderful Jesuit priest who died in 1986, loved to use a wonderful technique of telling a story about himself (and he had his clients do this) in third person. “He had breakfast, he took a walk, she talked with him and he said…”

For awareness, for entering the zone of the observer, you watch and tell the story that you feel concern about.

Then, you write out your stressful thoughts. The thoughts or judgments or ideas that you think about this story that bring discomfort, anger, fear, terror, irritation, sadness.

Then, as you question your responses, your thinking, your beliefs…..then your story will be telling a story on yourself. It will not be a story of proving that what happened to you was truly terrible. It will not be the story of a poor victim, or of a bad person you know, or how you’ve been wronged.

It will be a holy story, a sacred story, a beautiful story. You will not want to change the story. In fact, you will leave that story alone, and it will be the way it is.

Even that person telling a really, really long story that “seems” unimportant or unrelated to you will be OK.

“Not wanting to change what is becomes a state of mind that is literally unimaginable. There’s no sacrifice in it, no deprivation– quite the opposite, in fact. It means to gain everything, the everything that is already yours, and the effect is peace. People who use The Work at home as a practice tell me that they find their own freedom. There is such joy in that, such peace, and it’s a story that can’t be told.” ~ Byron Katie

Love,

Grace

December 17, 2012

At Home In Foreign Countries

Recently I was traveling, visiting a very dear friend in Vancouver, Canada. I imagined running into Eckhart Tolle, but no.

Entering another country, even if so many things are the same, is rather funny. Suddenly we’re lifted out of the usual scene of our story. The surroundings are different. Every store has a brand new name (well, mostly), all the shops have a different appearance, the money is completely different, the street names are unfamiliar.

On the scale of what is different and what is the same, this city that I don’t know well is mostly the same as life where I live most of my days.

Same climate, same language, same evergreen trees, same accent (a few different words).

Still…there is something so fun and exciting and mysterious about believing “I am in another country!” That moment crossing the border.

I drive or step across a “line” and now this place has a new name, new officials, new traditions, new rules, new money, new economy, new food.

Doing The Work, inquiring into our thinking and what we deeply believe, can sometimes feel like crossing a border into a new land.

Before, we couldn’t seem to get across. We may not have even known the other country existed. We may have been planning a trip here for years.

Being somewhere new brings a wonder to the experience of the world, a reminder of how different, how strange, how wild, how unusual it all is.

To be somewhere “foreign” reminded me again that in the end, whatever HOME is, is some place, some feeling, some experience of a landing spot. Home is in the center, where there is no wild variety, no overwhelming newness, it just IS.

This world, whatever country you live in, is not really quite home when you attach to the place being the thing that brings home-ness to you…at least that’s what I have noticed over time.

Everything changes and moves here; things turn to ruins, buildings are torn down, places have new borders, families members come and go.

The only place that stays intact is like a humming, constant, alive, buzzing, empty, spacious center in the middle of “me”. Whatever exactly me is…not entirely sure (isn’t that hilarious?)

Home. Here. Now.

There is no “best” place to live or “worst” place to live when you are in touch with your own borderless center. You are drawn to what matches your home already. You may move, you may be surprised, you may feel like you “have to” move and its not your preference, you may sleep in many different places in your lifetime.

Home is with you everywhere, even in times of trouble, even in times of celebration. Right in the middle of your amazing journey here.

No one has to go looking for it. No one has to be somewhere and think they’ve lost it.

The mind will start chattering away: why don’t they have good cream here, I don’t like the toilets, there is too much garbage, the exhaust smells funny, I miss my bed, I want sunny weather, the food sucks, I need a good internet connection, it’s too cold, I don’t understand the map, that man is trying to rip me off, I don’t understand what they’re saying.

Many of the thoughts in a new place come down to “I am scared” and “I could get uncomfortable” or “I could get hurt!”

Oh horrors! An uncomfortable moment could occur? GOSH!

When I question my chatterbox thinking, I can see that I am very safe, I am alive and breathing, I am aware, I am not in denial, I am free, I say NO, I say YES, I take care of myself, I find the bathroom, I find a restaurant, I watch the most beautiful theatrical show unfold before my eyes…perhaps with a little drama thrown in for excitement.

“The truly open mind doesn’t have a goal or a purpose other than to be what it is. It’s not attached to concepts of self or other. It realizes that ultimately there are no humans, there is no mind. When the mind opens, you lose everything, gratefully. I’m sitting here as a woman, and in the next realization I’m a galaxy or an ant. It doesn’t matter.”~Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

As I look around at the country or place I happen to be in on any given earth day, I am amazed at the variety, and amazed at the incomprehensible, open crazy mystery of this world.

“Colors blind the eye. Sounds deafen the ear. Flavors numb the taste. Thoughts weaken the mind. Desires wither the heart. The Master observes the world but trusts his inner vision. He allows things to come and go. His heart is open as the sky.” ~ Tao Te Ching #12

December 15, 2012

Reality Is Always Kind

Reality is a huge concept. In fact, it’s so huge, how could this mind grasp all of it?

I leave out huge parts of reality all the time. Have you noticed how the mind does this?

I’m thinking about something, and I’m very sad or upset or angry; thinking about how it should or shouldn’t be, repeating it (even though it happened in the past).

I’m thinking about some problem I perceive in this big soup of a story, and I focus in on that problem and ruminate.

I miss the joy and life and incredible activity that is in my presence, I miss the air and the rain, my old couch, this room entirely filled with things. I miss myself, the aliveness in me.

Today, let’s remember the vastness of reality…and how much it includes, and how infinite it is, and how full of EVERYTHING.

“Reality–the way that it is, exactly as it is, in every moment–is always kind. It’s our STORY about reality that blurs our vision, obscures what’s true, and leads us to believe that there is injustice in the world. I sometimes say that you move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer. When you believe that any suffering is legitimate, you become the champion of suffering, the perpetuator of it in yourself. It’s insane to believe that suffering is cause by anything outside the mind. A clear mind doesn’t suffer.”~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

We think “oh no! If I am NOT upset by reality, then I will be weird, uncaring, unpopular, too detached, selfish…”

We think “oh no! If I am TOO upset then I am allowing my feelings to overwhelm me, I’m unenlightened, I am believing terrible thoughts!”

No win.

What to do when you can’t win? Surrender. And then watch what happens with an open, surrendered mind.

When something terrible happens, reality is that you may feel the horror, the sadness, the pain of it.

And reality will move and change. That’s the way of it.

“The heart is right to cry
Even when the smallest drop of light,
Of love,
Is taken away.
Perhaps you may kick, moan, scream,
In a dignified
Silence,
but you are so right
To do so in any fashion
Until God returns
To
You.”
~Hafiz

Love,
Grace

December 14, 2012

People Should Lie

letters yesterday from readers saying they’d like help with their thoughts about someone else lying.

Arrggh! Yes! Those lying, cheating, deceptive people!!!

OK, so after the tantrum…(you can hit a few pillows, it sometimes helps)…write down what you think it means when someone lies.

They have either withheld important information, or acted in a way that was different than you expected, or kept a secret from you, or tricked you into taking some kind of action you felt uncomfortable about…or actually said “I did not take your cookie” when there are crumbs on their lips that look exactly like your cookie.

What does this actually mean about this whole situation, that they did this LYING?

Get really close to it…what does it mean for YOU that they did this lying?

Your mind is already busy telling you what it means about THEM when they lie. You have a whole list of unpleasant traits to describe them. Conniving, selfish, thoughtless, immature, hateful, sad, mentally ill, cruel.

But what does this really mean for you, that this has occurred? What is dangerous about it? Or aggravating?

If someone else lies, then I could be hurt. I could lose something important. I could be a victim. They don’t care about me. I could have a terrible life.

I have found that the greatest stress occurs when I’m afraid. And to understand it, I have to first understand what it is I am actually afraid of, really, really, really.

Because when you think about it, the person two blocks away who is in the middle of lying right now, who you don’t even know….or the ten year old who is hiding something she took under her bed….you aren’t really upset about THOSE people lying.

No, but THIS person lying. That is REALLY UPSETTING.

I once had the thought “he shouldn’t have lied”. I was embarrassed, I felt like crying, then I felt furious, then like crying again.

When I really thought through all the pieces that were most painful, I found that the thing I feared was that I was not worth telling the truth to. Them lying meant that I was too hard, difficult, irritating, spacey, gullible, stupid, or needy.

That really hurts. And it wasn’t really that other person that created my thoughts of self-hate and self-doubt. I just started believing them. I started believing instantly that I was a victim, that I was robbed, that I was diminished.

Who would you be without the thought that that person shouldn’t have lied?

I would suddenly notice how much space was around me, how free I was, how I was standing there alone with an entire universe ready to explore.

When someone stole money from me, I discovered that I had no need for that money, and it was incredible! Another time when I got “tricked” by a stranger who pretended to be out of gas on the side of the road, I had such appreciation for learning a lesson like that in a very easy way (it only cost me $20 for that lesson).

Another time when someone lied, I discovered total and absolute appreciation for their timing, and for the sweetness of me having no idea of the truth (until I did).

When I question my thinking, I begin to see not only what it is like to be without the thought “they shouldn’t lie” but also the advantages of them lying at just the exact time, in just the way that they did, for me.

Can you really know that when someone lies, it means that you were mistaken, gullible, ignorant, needy, stupid, or that something is wrong with you?

“The Tao doesn’t take sides; it gives birth to both good and evil. The Master doesn’t take sides; she welcomes both saints and sinners. The Tao is like a bellows: it is empty yet infinitely capable. The more you use it, the more it produces; the more you talk of it, the less you understand. Hold on to the center.” ~ Tao Te Ching #5

I notice when I question my thoughts of anger and rage and those mean, nasty, lying, sneaky people…I get to let go of running the universe. I trust.

I thought them lying took away my feeling of trust….but it didn’t take it away at all. It made it bigger. Because they lied, I get to see what’s really true.

Those people SHOULD lie. Because first of all, they did. That is reality. They were scared, they were confused, they didn’t know how to do it differently.

Maybe YOU were a little scary to tell the truth to, eh?

And look at all the amazing learning that comes from them lying. I learned that I did not need them.

You also should have lied in the past, too, if you did.

My lies brought me the most incredible lessons. I became aware of how much I preferred not to lie, and how freaked out and confused I got at the time. They showed me how afraid I was of hurting other peoples’ feelings or hurting my own feelings. They helped me know even more that truth is like heaven, and I only have to worry about my own.

“To be honest is to live closer to your true nature. The way I know that it is, is that when you’re not living it, it hurts. That hurt is an opportunity to notice what stressful thought you’re believing in the moment, to question it and turn it around. That’s what all pain is about. Sanity doesn’t suffer—ever.”~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

December 12, 2012

There Is Not Enough

One of the top stressful thoughts of the whole year that people have shared with me has been “I am not good enough.”

There may be slight variations, like just “I am not enough” or “I don’t have enough” of something.

Or the big dramatic way to put it “I WILL NEVER, NEVER, EVER BE ENOUGH!”

Enough is an interesting word. I’ve used it a lot myself.

Not being or having enough of something can be so, so stressful. And usually, the stress comes right alongside the thought…practically instantly. Without the thought being questioned.

There I am, living my life, and someone I care about sees me, or hears me say something, or watches me, or encounters me, and something happens, and it seems like they are not pleased.

Something went wrong! Things naturally are supposed to be easy, sweet and kind…right?

Or I myself have images in my head of how grand life would be if only I got it together, stopped doing “x”, started doing “y”, changed some things about myself. In other words, some improvements could definitely be made in the department of ME.

Or I notice that I want something, or someone close to me wants something, and the thing that is wanted is in short supply (money, time, attention, love, connection).

With all these things, there is something MISSING. Not enough of something.

It is good to spend some time in inquiry, asking yourself, when you have these “not enough” thoughts just what exactly you believe is absent. Like what are the qualities, the feelings, you think aren’t here?

What would you have, if you had enough of that thing, or that person, or that substance?

If I really had “enough” money, I would relax, kick back, read more than I already do, watch more good movies, not get up quite as early, travel more, go to more workshops and lectures, fix parts of my house, do more no-fee work with the community, take a writing break to finish my book, contribute to the scholarship fund.

And what would I have, if I had THAT? Awareness, knowledge, fun, connection, security, meaning, rest.

If you were good enough, what would you actually be? How would you feel?

I love when Byron Katie responded to a woman who said “I’m not good enough”. She asked “Good enough for what?!”

Excellent question.

It’s like there are our own images floating around showing us pictures of what it COULD be like, how things COULD be better, how it COULD have gone much more smoothly, how we COULD have not made that mistake or blunder.

Images of better versions of life, of me, of the people I know, of the world.

And a big chasm between the two. Oh that gap! So annoying! Why can’t we just get over THERE in that beautiful better scene? JEEZ!

“Let’s suppose that rain washes out a picnic. Who is feeling negative? The rain? Or YOU? What’s causing the negative feeling? The rain, or your reaction? When you bump your knee against a table, the table’s fine. It’s busy being what it was made to be–a table. The pain is in your knee, not the table. The mystics keep trying to tell us that reality is all right. Reality is not problematic. Problems exist only in the human mind.” ~Anthony De Mello.

When I bump up against the image of a more perfect, better version of myself that would be “enough”, or I bump up against the idea that this reality, with this much money, is not adequate…when I bump up against some vision of what I want and I believe I can’t have it, or I can’t feel peaceful without it…whenever I think there is not enough of something…Good News.

It’s in my own fearful thinking. I am only believing that without this thing or essence or person that I want, I am not happy. Without some improvement, I am not happy.

So, my mind is doing this: I am not quite good enough….I need more goodness or skill or awareness, I need to be better at “x” than I already am, I need to fix myself or there will be a long drawn-out life of suffering and unhappiness and never becoming enough.

Is that true? Are you sure?

“True personal growth is about transcending the part of you that is not okay and needs protection. This is done by constantly remembering that you are the one inside that notices the voice talking. That is the way out.”~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

That voice that considers everything and comments on it not being enough, including YOU…it is only a voice. We all have it.

But we can also all take a look at it. It’s such a drama queen, have you noticed? So serious!

Who would I be without the thought that there’s not enough? This is REALLY imagining that it’s not possible to not have enough, if you couldn’t even have that idea.

I would feel so excited, aware, relaxed. I would feel secure, joyful, peaceful. Open to whatever is next. Silent. Pleased. Waiting. WOW.

Who knows what could happen with this state of mind.

Love, Grace