Category: The Work of Byron Katie

Posted on

Being My Own Perfect Partner

One of the greatest all-time teachings for me, that booted me into maturity (but not before diving into being a total baby) was my divorce.

Ahhhh, the list of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” about relationships was magnificently long. I had a whole book, documented with evidence and case notes from other people’s situations and my own, about what long-term relationships are supposed to look like.

Since this one didn’t look like MY ideal, I thought it was a tragedy.

I also thought that SINCE I didn’t have a “good” relationship, and what I had was ending, I would be going down in terms of money, livelihood, having a home, supporting myself, and having connection, a best friend, and fun.

I believed that none of those things could now happen….now that my marriage appeared over. I was stunned.

I had no idea my sense of myself was so small. That I did not feel I could manage, or support myself, or succeed, or thrive, or take care of my children and my home.

Good thing that marriage ended, because I had to learn the fast and hard way (or maybe it was the quick and easy way, now that I think about it) how to truly love my own company and believe in myself, as someone who didn’t need outside support.

It was in the end, the gift of a lifetime.

If anyone could have given me the most precious, amazing, life-changing event that would require me to become fierce, strong and powerful….it would have been my marriage ending just the way it did.

Relationships are said to be, for many, the heart of where we learn about ourselves and grow up and awaken.

We can clearly see where we grovel for love, approval and appreciation. We can see where we are dependent, or untrustworthy, or fake, or ingratiating. We can see clearly how critical we are, or impatient.

If we use these experiences with someone else to open and learn….there’s no stopping us from growing in deep wisdom. The most important thing is to stay, be present with the strong feelings, and remain connected to ourselves, as imperfect as we are.

Back then, during my divorce, I realized for the first time how strongly I held the belief “I am worthy of being left, I am worthy of being abandoned”.

That’s why it was happening, obviously! Otherwise, it wouldn’t be happening.

But that is the twisty-turvy logic of the little mind that is very critical and doesn’t want to sit with FEAR.

Truly, the turnaround was truer for me. I was worthy of never being left and never being abandoned, because I myself am here, with me, through all of it.

There is something actually beyond this little bitty separate self, that has always been here, watching and observing. Always rooted in love and power. Like a mysterious current, an electromagnetic kind of force field. Presence, aliveness.

This powerful energy seems to know so deeply that all is very, very well, and that some little relationship change is nothing in the great scheme of things.

What-ever, it says. There is simply no problem.

In a couple of weeks on March 29, we’ll start the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven on Fridays 8-9:30 am Pacific time. This certainly does not have to be a romantic or committed partnership…this can be dedicated time for The Work on your mother, father, sibling, co-worker, boss, neighbor, friend.

This work is about looking at the judgments and pain and suffering we feel most acutely, that seems to be coming from OVER THERE, from that other person’s actions, and understanding the meaning we create about ourselves. The meaning that hurts.

“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she needs to do and demands nothing of others.”~Tao Te Ching #79

I question my thinking about myself when someone does or says something surprising in my life. When I am scared, or sad, or angry, or disappointed and I think THEY need to change so that I can be happy, I KNOW there is no end to waiting, and to blame.

Now I am so grateful for the experience of something ending or changing with someone I know, its mind-blowing. That’s what it took for me to find out how powerful, strong and steady I am, how I am the perfect partner for myself.

Now, every relationship in my life is icing on the cake. Until it isn’t, and then I do The Work!

Love, Grace

P.S. The next Horrible Food Wonderful Food begins June 11th.

Posted on

I Have To Diet To Be Thin

I was thinking the other day about Obedience.

This was after reading an article on disordered eating and the quest some individuals have for thinness. The author of the article discovered some sense within herself of being obedient when she tried to be “thin”.

Of course it seems like there are many reasons for the desire to be thin: the collective culture in which we live appears to love it, our mom or dad talked of it as an important goal, it might be healthier, we could look attractive to potential sexual partners, we might appear “powerful” on stage or in front of a crowd, blah blah blah.

These are all quite amazing to question, to see if you really think any of them are absolutely true.

Even if you find they are not true, you may still find the desire smouldering in you to be thinner than you are, to hold on the thinness you’ve achieved, or to be proud of how thin you’ve become.

Good grief! Can you imagine not caring about how thin or fat you actually are?

RING THE ALARM BELLS! This would lead to disaster!!

Sometimes even after we’ve questioned our reasons for being thin, or anything else that seems to be desirable for that matter (money, love, sex, success, enlightenment) it is difficult to find who we would really be without the thought.

We think that without vigilance or commitment, even if its stressful, we will fail. We will be big fatsos, or neglectful parents, or lazy unemployed low-achievers, or single forever.

If I didn’t care about being thin, making money, or having a partner, I would break the rules, move out of the boundaries I’ve always believed in, I would blow up like a blimp, be a loser, and no one would like me.

But can you really know that this is true?

Do you KNOW that you need to believe something stressful, that you don’t REALLY believe in, in order to stay motivated and be happy? Does that even make sense?

Long ago, I canned the diets forever. I knew that feeling like I was in prison was not the way to happiness.

Do you want to obey the commands of others around you, or society, or the rumors you’ve heard that thin is better than fat? Rich is better than poor? Coupled is better than single?

(And of course, they are not commands….it’s all in the perceptions of the one who is looking).

Long ago, I read Fat Is A Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but the title alone was enough. I passed the book on many years ago, but I know that I recognized a possibility that the messages I heard around me were actually very painful, and untrue.

Sometimes a true “diet” is saying “no” to the general accepted norm.

A wonderful client, who does not have eating issues of any kind, reminded me of Susie’s book awhile back, and how it nipped the worry about her food in the bud at an early age.

She didn’t want to feel like she was obeying anything when it came to eating, except her own body’s wisdom, her own mind’s wisdom.

Who would you be without the thought that weighing this number is better than weighing that number? Who would you be without the thought that you should eat vegetables and avoid sugar? Who would you be without the thought that people will not think you’re cool or powerful unless you’re thin?

If you really think you’d eat candy all day long and become a recluse…there is wonderful work to do.

You might question that you are your own worst enemy.

Pema Chodron speaks of renunciation, a term used by many teachers in many religions. Kind and loving renunciation is not passive. It is not a voice that says “great, I am against diets so I will eat and eat all day long, who cares”.

It is a clear, focused way. An awareness of the self. It gathers information from others, from doctors, nutritionists, books, and then waits to see how it lines up internally.

“Even though you’ve dropped your agenda, even though you are trying to work WITH situations instead of struggling AGAINST them, nevertheless you may have to say, ‘You can stay here tonight, but tomorrow you’re going, and if you don’t get out of here, I am calling the police.’ You don’t really know what’s going to benefit somebody, but it doesn’t benefit anybody to allow someone to beat you up, eat all your food, and put you out on the street.”~Pema Chodron

You know already in your heart what is of benefit for you, and what is not, what brings freedom and what brings imprisonment. You may sometimes benefit in questioning those bickering internal voices, and telling them to go by not believing them.

Today I seem to make a green smoothie every single morning for breakfast, with an entire head of raw broccoli and kale leaves of all kinds, or spinach, and ground flax seeds and banana and other ingredients. This has been going on for a long while now, like 5 or 6 months.

I have no agenda. I don’t know why not to do it at this point.

“I’ve heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they’re afraid that without them they wouldn’t be activists for peace. “If I feel peaceful,” they say, “why would I bother taking action at all?” My answer is “Because that’s what love does.”  To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what’s right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become. As if when someone finds freedom, she just sits around all day wiith drool running down her chin. My experience is the opposite. Love is action.” ~ Byron Katie

I say, find out who you are without the thought that you “have to” be an activist or take action or go on a diet or get a job. You could be amazed at the love, energy, and behavior that comes out of you.

And you might wind up thin.

Love, Grace

P.S. The next Horrible Food Wonderful Food begins June 11th.

Posted on

Death, The Greatest Show On Earth

Many of us have spent time thinking about physical pain, illness, trauma, danger, aging or dying. We ALL know someone sick, hurt, injured. We all know people who have died.

Really, Death and Dying seem to be, sometimes The Greatest Show On Earth! 

That’s my own little joke with myself….the greatest mystery of all, though, it seems.

What on earth is going on here in this place? We’re born, and then we will die, no matter what, at least in the body.

Loads of speculation about what happens next, no ability to prove anything. Great effort to find out and explore what happens. Inquiring minds want to KNOW!

Recently, I re-read a wonderful passage of Byron Katie doing The Work with a woman who had cancer. The woman said “my body is in ruins”.

Even if my body is not currently in “ruins”…as I read the script of Katie’s session with the woman, I knew that indeed my own body isn’t getting out of here alive. In some ways, it is already in ruins, too.

Just take a look at this body in 50 years! I’ll bet you a million bucks you’ll see TOTAL RUINS. Maybe even in 10 years, who knows, or next week.

It’s strange how much fear is stimulated with this kind of awareness. Many people have never even questioned the thought that dying is bad, that it’s horrible to have a body that will only end up in ruins.

Is it true that it’s bad news? Really?

I discover that it’s as if there is one part of my mind that is a frightened baby, very terrified, uncertain. It was assurance, doesn’t like the unknown.

But there is another part, that we all have, that is very certain, wise, observing, neutral, peaceful…even deeply joyful.

When I stop and answer the four questions of The Work, my little freaked out mind gets to settle down and answer, and the wise one gets uncovered and comes out to help.

Getting sick, or dying, is bad news. Aiyiyi, look how I react when I think that thought!

Panic, terror, nausea, adrenaline, mind starts finding solutions, the Plan of Attack. (This doesn’t mean NOT to do research. Research can be fun and invigorating when it is without terror).

Who would I be without the thought that getting sick or dying is bad? Even for the people I love?

Well, to be honest, there are many moments in the day when I am not thinking this thought, so it already happens. I am alive, going about my business here and there, sleeping, moving, eating, drinking, bathing, talking, listening, reading…all without the thought that dying or sickness is bad.

What about the second I learn I have cancer, or remember that I will be dying at some point in the next fifty years, give or take?

Who would I be without the thought that dying is bad, right in THAT MOMENT?

I’d be excited. Curious. Willing. Surrendered, relaxed, open. Ready for the adventure. Noticing what TODAY is like. Seeing the clouds that look like cotton balls outside the window right now.

“When it’s no longer at war here [Katie points to her head], it’s no longer at war there-with the body, with cancer, with anybody. When we know we’re going to die, when we really get that, in that moment we realize that we’re not in control. And then we get to watch. We get to watch this beautiful way of it. And love it. And not miss our own death.”~Byron Katie

I don’t know what will happen for the rest of my life and when that day will come that is my last one here, in this lifetime.

But I sure can practice getting ready for it, by questioning my thinking, my fear, my need to be in control, my worries, my angst, my terrors about both life now and impending death.

I don’t really have a choice. I figure it’s suffer, or inquire. That seems to be the case.

“When the fear of death comes up, say yes.”~Adyashanti

A small teleclass is beginning in three hours to address physical pain, sickness and death together…our fears, our imaginings, our worries. We’ll meet for 6 weeks. It is not necessary, of course, to have any current illness or pain…and, you may also have a terminal illness, chronic pain, or someone’s death in your life. Whatever your situation, you are welcome to the group. Click HERE to register or read more about it.

Love, Grace

Posted on

That Look She Gave Me Hurt

Do you remember when your mother, or some other important adult in your life, would give you a “look” that might make your heart sink to the floor?

She doesn’t like me! I did something wrong! I’m cast out of favor!

In my adult life, one interesting place I’ve noticed stressful beliefs multiplying and producing conflict is when someone close to me thinks that I am the one with the “look”, and then they react or look worried, and then I think THEY have a “look”, and then I have a “look” that says “I Didn’t Have A Look–What’s Wrong With You!”

Did you follow that?

It all happens in the split second of an eye blinking.

My daughter who is 15 cares very much what I think, hears what I say, and takes in a great deal of what I do, even when I think she doesn’t notice (and maybe she doesn’t).

This morning I exclaimed “Oh look at the time! You might be late!” and it appears she thought I was critical of her. Then I WAS critical of her because she “over-reacted”. Hilarious! Fortunately we were laughing about it later.

It’s amazing how often we assume, based on small conversation, or a look, or a gesture, or the absence of conversation, or silence, what is going on with someone….and that it’s BAD.

If we don’t like it when other people object to something we’re doing…we have to be very careful NOT to do anything that might cause objection.

I used to walk around with a lot of fear about other peoples’ criticism. It still is something that enters my psyche. Especially with people I admire.

Those people who are “famous” in my mind I might feel shy around. I might be watching, hold back, have an attitude of wanting to take in all they are saying and doing, and not fully engage.

Then, on top of wanting them to approve of me, I also think I shouldn’t be caring about that, so there’s a voice that is instantly criticizing the one who wants approval.

GAWD, stop being so sensitive! Stop caring what others think of you!

“I want them to like me, but I really shouldn’t want that.”

And of course, I sometimes assume that other people want ME to like THEM (and want to hide the fact that they want me to). So I might make sure I’m nice, or draw them out, so theyknow I like them, if I do.

It’s a lot of work and gets very complicated.

But let’s get to the core underlying belief…no matter how much I’ve told myself I shouldn’t care, sometimes I do. So let’s take a look.

Do I really want people to like me? That seems like such an old story, an ancient assumption.

Of course I want that! It would be terrible to be disliked, ignored, shunned, or kicked out! I love having a special, loving, fun, easy connection with someone! I love joking around! I can’t do that unless they like me! Why would I give that up, are you nuts?!

When I have questioned my thinking and done The Work, I realize that I want people to like what they like, and NOT like what they don’t like.

That’s what I want for myself. It’s total freedom. At this moment I like, then the next moment I don’t like. No “have-to” about liking anything.

I notice that “likes” come and go. They change quickly. Preferences shift. Today I like salami, another day it grosses me out.

This person I joke around with, that other person we have serious conversations.

When I relax completely and allow the world to be what it is, with all the personalities within it, life is very easy.

Without the thought that I want anyone to like me, I do not have to be afraid that I’ll be unpleasant, brusk, unlikable and rejected.

In fact, I’m very authentic. I’m deeply happy. I’m like a truly free person, coming and going as I please and allowing other people to come and go as they please.

Someone thinks I don’t like them, and it’s not a big deal. No need to rush in and “fix” or “correct” their perception, unless that’s the kind thing to do and the way it goes.

“How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren’t, and then when they say “I love you,” you can’t believe it, because they’re loving a facade. They’re loving someone who doesn’t even exist, the person you’re pretending to be. It’s difficult to seek other people’s love. It’s deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.” ~ Byron Katie

Even if you do the opposite and instead of being a chameleon, you act defiant all the time, making sure you DON’T CARE if people like you (ha)…you still can’t believe people like the real, honest you, since you haven’t shown them.

My favorite way of breaking down this ancient story of caring what other people think is to find genuine examples of what the advantages are when people haven’t liked me.

  • I don’t have to talk with them, I have more free time
  • I get more alone time to talk with myself (my favorite)!
  • They get what they need or want from someone else
  • I don’t have to “work” at changing their impression of me
  • They show me where I still care or feel “hurt” and I can question my thinking
  • I get to live in a world where not everyone likes, needs, or wants me…phew

“It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine.”~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. Look at all the teleclasses and in-person retreats below! Join me in questioning the amazing mind, I love your presence.

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013.For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Posted on

Upcoming Teleclasses and Retreats

It’s Announcement Day everybody!

Six week teleclass Pain, Sickness and Death begins Thursday evenings 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time, starts this week 3/7. Room for 2 more. Come join a group for inquiry on some of the most difficult situations.

The next Earning Money class begins March 26! I know several people have asked. We’ll have this one in the evenings on Tuesdays 5:15 – 6:45 pm. This is rarely offered in the evening Pacific time, so jump on board if you’re ready to look at Money, Work and Business. If you’re in Australia, it will be noon for you on Wednesdays!

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts Fridays, March 29 8:00 – 9:30 am Pacific for 8 weeks. A profound look at one person who is difficult in your life: partner, sibling, child, parent…anyone.

Sorry for the delay on all the wonderful details for A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind. It’s almost ready! It will be worth the wait—I’m sure we will have a powerful, amazing group to work together all year. So exciting! All the information will be ready by this weekend.

Two Half-Day Mini-Retreat Saturdays: April 6th and May 18th, 2013, 1:30 pm – 5:30 pm. Inquiry at Goldilocks Cottage in Seattle. $125 for both days, $70 for only one. Tea and light snacks provided. Come learn, practice, expand your inquiry. Meet others to join in facilitation. A wonderful way to spend a Saturday afternoon…enlightening yourself.

To register for both or one of these mini-half-days, click HERE and then click on the PayPal button.

And of course, last but not least…Breitenbush Hot Springs Summer Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Love Your Body. What if your body wasn’t a problem?

June 26-30, 2013. Please read all about the Breitenbush Retreat and get the registration details by clicking HERE.

As always, if finances hold you back, write to me at grace@workwithgrace.com to talk about a trade or option that can work for you.

“Don’t believe every thing you think.”~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

Posted on

This Moment Needs To Change

As so many of you already know, I work with people often who have some compulsive behavior(s) they want to quit.

Anyone who has ever had this experience knows it feels very frustrating and frightening. The self-criticism that appears around this is brutal.

The compulsion to Do Something is deep in many humans. It feels overwhelming, almost like there is no choice, like the person engaged in the process is compelled, beyond all reason, to act.

It doesn’t matter if the compulsion is to take drugs, smoke, drink alcohol, take medicine, work, exercise, drink coffee, watch TV, eat ice cream, watch porn, smoke something, play computer games, check your cell phone, go on Facebook, be sexual, gamble, or shop….it all comes from a similar source.

I hate this moment. I MUST do something to change this moment.

It has been one of the most liberating experiences for me in life to look at what I think I hate that drives me to force a change.

  • People are mean, stupid or hurtful
  • Someone abandoned me, I am all alone
  • I need money, pleasure, love, entertainment
  • The world is a dangerous place
  • This is boring
  • I can’t handle this feeling of sadness, anger, grief, or fear
  • Something about me isn’t good enough
  • Life is hard

Every single one of these thoughts can be taken to inquiry. Every one can be examined to find out if they are really 100% true.

The best way that I have found to work with what I am against about life, where I conclude in the flash of a second that this moment is not good, is to slow the whole thing down to sooooo slow that it’s practically at a stand-still (can you hear the slow-motion voice moving like molasses?)

First, why is that moment uncomfortable, bad, annoying, or sad? Make a list (like the one above in bullets).

Then take just one of the thoughts you’ve written and look at it.

Is it true? Can you absolutely know it? Are you positive?

You can see how you react when you believe your thoughts are true. You use some substance or behavior or thinking process to “find relief”. You lash out at other people, or at yourself.

You try to find comfort somewhere, anywhere.

I used to wolf down food when I felt someone was angry with me or disapproved of me. It scared me to death, because I thought they were right. I thought I was inadequate, not good enough. Eat-eat-eat, then starve-starve-starve.

This weekend I decided to not drink coffee and just see what my entertaining little mind would come up with about why it needed the coffee, what coffee was for, and what big disaster would occur if I never drank it again.

I identified what I thought coffee did for me. It’s was a cure for lack of energy and boredom.

Which I don’t actually have, it turns out. I was just anticipating the possibility of not having energy and being bored, or not having enough money. That would be HORRIBLE! OMG!

Who would I be without the thought that coffee helps me push, get pumped up, wake up, turn up the volume, do other activities, work, get things done, and get more energy?

Who would I be without the thought that I need anything to be different in that moment right before the auto-pilot cup of morning coffee?

Free. Not enslaved to “having” to drink it.

Without the thought that life is hard, or boring, or that I can’t handle certain feelings or emotions, or that I need money or love or excitement, or that the world is a dangerous place, or that someone was mean to me, or that I’m not good enough…

This present moment is full, expansive, packed with colors, movement, sound. I am awake. This body feels whatever its feeling and there are no emergencies.

Without these stressful thoughts, the feeling that I need to DO SOMETHING goes away.

No compulsions.

“Suffering is how life tells you that you are resisting or misperceiving what is real and true…Deeper understanding and insight flow forth from a quiet mind.”~Adyashanti

Every time I have ever thought “I need to do _____” some small or large level of suffering has followed.

Now when I stop and inquire, I discover peace and quiet. Nothing lacking.

If I can do it, anyone can. Seriously.

If you’d like to inquire in a group on your biggest fears about life and the world being a dangerous place, come join the Pain, Sickness and Death teleclass that starts Thursday. We’ll meet from 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. All you need is a telephone. All assignments are sent via email. Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to join or have questions.

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.     
Posted on

Thank You Debbie Ford

When I look back over the past ten years when I first put a toe in the pool of inquiry, very tentatively, it seems like the whole idea hit me somewhat slowly.

I had Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is. In paperback (there was no rush to get it in hardback when it first appeared). Her book was in all the bookstores, and I heard about it from other people in the holistic health professions like me.

It’s as if during the course of reading the book, one night I had a dream and woke up and for an instant, for one-one-hundredth of a hair, I thought I was in another unusual place.

Then I realized I was still in my own familiar bedroom, and as my day unfolded I forgot about it, mostly.

Every time I came back for another chapter I got more intrigued.

I would think “Really? She can’t be saying….no, that can’t be possible to question THAT…oh gosh, I think I’ve been believing a bunch of stuff this WHOLE TIME (my whole life) that may not be true…But no, not that, too…”

It was like a seesaw of deep doubt and incredible fascination.

In the course of the next few “early” years my life exploded into finding other authors and teachers. A huge expansion of awareness…and confusion.

My first crisis after meeting The Work, that I’ve shared before with you all, was my primary relationship falling apart.

It felt like I was falling down a gigantic black hole. I had a dream that I was Alice In Wonderland at the time, but a little more creepy.

Fear around many turns and twists. My mind full of images and panic, or its own personal army.

And also at that time…just the right dose of sane.

Someone would say a little sentence that was filled with love and trust.  I got facilitated in The Work every single week on Monday mornings by a dear fellow-journeyer on the path, and I facilitated her back. We did that religiously for two years.

I had three other powerful friends who also facilitated me. They seemed to be available right when I was having an “emergency” of painful feelings.

My top beliefs: I am abandoned, I am betrayed.

Every time they perked up, I would do The Work. It’s what I had found that “worked” the best for my speedy rabbit mind.

Right in the middle of that time, someone said “there is someone called Debbie Ford who has the perspective of turning around Divorce as a spiritual initiation of sorts, an entrance into a whole new world of love.”

I got Debbie’s book immediately “Spiritual Divorce: Divorce As A Catalyst For An Extraordinary Life“.

I now honestly see that that period of time was an evolutionary step for me into ending my stressful, imprisoned beliefs about love relationships.

I had a lot to uncover and un-do. I believed thoughts like this:

  • People shouldn’t leave me
  • If someone is close, they should talk with me and tell me what they’re thinking
  • Men shouldn’t get tired of me (they do)
  • I need to be “nice” every possible minute to other people, even if that’s not honest
  • I need to hide my feelings of disappointment, anger, or hurt
  • I can’t be happy without a primary partner
  • I can’t depend on anyone
  • No one should ever resent me (I try so hard at being GOOD, jeez!)

Boy. I thought I was so mature, advanced and intellectual.

But those childish, desperate, non-politically-correct beliefs were there, loud and clear.

As I did The Work every chance I could, I began to read Debbie’s book. She was a living example of a turnaround, right there in the pages, when I couldn’t find my own turnarounds.

Because I was there, reading her words, I knew this turnaround existed. I could pull it in to myself. I could start finding my own turnarounds.

I could find how this might be the best thing that ever happened to me, given that what I most wanted in my entire life was freedom, understanding, and unconditional love.

I wanted a powerful, brilliant, trusting, willing, ecstatic relationship with The Universe, the world, Reality.

I had no idea how afraid I had been of reality. Pure terror. I hadn’t felt safe in life. It had nothing to do with my partner, or any of the people who I felt had abandoned me.

“One day, while I was pointing my finger at [my estranged husband] Dan and blaming him for my pain, I realized that only the unhealthy, unconscious part of me would blame someone else for my feelings. I saw that from the day we got married I had been blaming Dan for my circumstances. While a neat excuse, this explanation had the unfortunate downside of being a lie. “~ Debbie Ford

I was stunned back then at how wide my illusion spread.

I thought my feelings about fear of being abandoned had to do with other people. I even thought my view of God/Source/Universe was that it/he/she was busy, someplace far away, not all that interested.

What if I questioned, truly questioned, whether or not I was abandoned, or betrayed?

Could I absolutely know that it was true?

No. I was set free.

“The journey of awakening—the classical journey of the mythical hero or heroine—is one of continually coming up against big challenges and then learning how to soften and open….starting to say yes to life, is first of all realizing that you’ve come up against  your edge, that everything in you is saying no, and then at that point, softening.”~ Pema Chodron

Thank you Debbie, for showing me how.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Trust Your Struggle

I will never forget one time when I was at a Byron Katie event, I can’t remember which, and I raised my hand.

“Katie, I am doing The Work on the same person over and over again. I’ve done The Work so many times on this person, and I’m still very angry. I wish I wasn’t angry!”

Katie replied “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry, Grace? You are!”

We may have spoken a bit longer, those conversations with microphones and hundreds of people watching and listening make me blank out a little (sometimes). It’s a bit…public.

But that comment from Katie was so incredibly powerful for me, because in it I recognized what a ginormous goal I had of making myself “not angry”.

Anger, in my opinion, was bad. Anger caused suffering, it caused other people to harm themselves or hit others, it started wars, it caused tension, heart-attacks, violence. It made people break things.

Anger had to be controlled and squelched. Otherwise…..very bad things could happen.

And I was angry. So I had to “work” on my anger until I was a nice person.

If I had stayed in that framework towards anger, I would still be working on it and hating it, and wishing I didn’t have it inside of me. I would still be afraid of people who seemed angry.

Well, loud shouting or screaming, throwing something, rage…that is all still alarming. They are BIG expressions. But I’m not so scared now that I’ve done the work on anger.

I had many thoughts about anger. I felt so upset about anger that when I even had one tiny little speck of a sensation of anger, something in me got scared.

I even realized that in my twenties, when I suffered so terribly from bulimic binge-eating and vomiting, I was filled with rage. I was livid.

And I was determined to smash my anger to the ground and push it down, like holding my hands over the geysers at Yellowstone National Park. It took a lot of work and a lot of running around, just to keep the geysers from spouting.

Of course, they spouted anyway, and then I would feel horribly guilty and filled with self-hate.

But back at that time that I recognized all the anger inside me and how I was judging it, I went to work doing The Work. It was like a lightbulb went off, and it was time to let anger be free to exist, without my condemnation of it.

“Something terrible will happen if I or anyone else is angry”….is that true?

No. Not at all.

There is an energy that is rising up to say NO. There is passion, creativity, determination.

Marshall Rosenberg created non-violent communication, out of his great desire to express anger clearly and cleanly, with respect.

Anger brings on clarity, laser energy, awareness, brilliance, sharp thinking.

Who would I be without the thought that what I am feeling, this energy I am calling “anger,” should be obliterated rather than expressed? Who would I be without the thought that something terrible will happen if I express anger?

What if something wonderful could happen!?

I turned the thought around and began to find examples of amazing expressions of anger, and how wonderful things happened out of these expressions.

Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Aretha Franklin.

And I knew, as a turnaround example for myself, that it was wonderful to be angry with respect to that very person I kept feeling angry about, because my anger was a message that I was believing a bunch of conflicting thoughts that were not true.

I did not need that person to be close with me, I did not have to push myself to like everything about that person, I did not “have” to do anything towards that person I did not feel comfortable doing.

I could have preferences, like allowing myself the same basic respect to eat if hungry and NOT eat if NOT hungry!

I could say yes or no, and attend to the inner answer at the center of myself.

Doing The Work does not always result in peace, flowers, dancing and love songs.

Sometimes the truth is that under the first level of concepts about that awful person you’re doing The Work on, there lies fear about what might happen next.

If I really question this person’s presence in my life, they will leave and I’ll be alone. But I don’t want to be alone, so I will attack that person with my anger and not question my terrifying beliefs about being alone.

Anger is one of the greatest gifts I have ever experienced. An arrow of zinging power that says “hear me now!” Warrior energy. And it is part of reality. I loved discovering that!

The funny thing is, once I didn’t judge my own anger so harshly, and then questioned all my beliefs about that person…I could allow them to be who they were, and I didn’t have to ever talk with them again.

I think of that person now, who I haven’t seen in years, and smile so widely. I absolutely love what I learned in being connected back then. What grand, broad, sweeping learning. Smacking down the walls, breaking apart the beliefs I had about how people are supposed to behave.

Dissolving my angst, rage, and urge to attack what was “out there” (a person).

Dissolving my need to feel division with anyone.

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.”~Eckhart Tolle

Let yourself be as angry as you are, and write it all on paper. Now you have your work, your amazing personal project that anger is helping you understand….and as you look, the anger will not be necessary anymore.

“Trust your struggle.” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 6:15 – 7:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.     
Posted on

Answering The Hard Question (Number Four)

I am planning all the pieces and parts of the wonderful program starting within a few months A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind.

Today, I’d love to ask you a favor if you have any interest in signing up for the program. I got so many people excited to learn more…it would help me to set up the logistics at the best time for everyone.

Please take this very short survey:

Answer two questions here

Meanwhile…back on the ranch (picture tumbleweeds blowing on the wild plains of the inner mind)…

Today the Our Wonderful Sexuality class met for the fifth time and this is the toughest class I often think. People identify the worst thing that involves sexuality that they’ve encountered.

It may be someone they met who grossed them out once, or someone they learned about on television. In any case, the unspeakable happened….the embarrassing, horrifying, sad and painful.

Working with our thoughts about the worst people out there in the world, phew, that can get very serious. It feels heavy, disheartening, hopeless.

Many people said that with these thoughts about those people, they felt livid, paralyzed, and powerless.

Just trying to answer the question “who would you be without the thought?” was difficult.

Who would I be without the thought that people are getting damaged, especially children, and that their innocence is being taken from them?

This is one of those times in Question 4 when we may find it frightening to not have our stressful belief.

The thought that we know what is bad and wrong protects us. If we didn’t know that stuff going on was bad, we’re afraid we wouldn’t help, we wouldn’t fight or rip the bad guy to shreds, or get away from him.

I reflected after the call that sometimes, I have had to return over and over again to that question four when doing The Work on some very frightening, very taboo situations.

I love that every single time I teach the class, I get to return to the images in my head of some worst person out there who has harmed others.

Today I thought about Hannibal Lectures from that movie Silence Of the Lambs.

He’s not real (it was a movie after all) but he was the creepiest of creepy to me.

And every time, with doing The Work, I am unraveling my thoughts, looking at all the characters involved, watching with an open mind.

Who would I really be without the thought that Hannibal is evil, that he is a monster I must never run into, ever, that I am powerless and he is powerful, and that he can hurt others and destroy their lives?

A profound question to answer.

“I notice that if I believe it shouldn’t exist when it does exist, I suffer. Can I just end the war in me? Can I stop raping myself and others with my abusive thoughts and actions? Otherwise I’m continuing through me the very thing I want to end in the world. I start with ending my own suffering, my own war. This is a life’s work.”~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

Posted on

Give Up Being A Good Person

It appears to be the nature of being human to experience trials and difficulties, pain and death and loss.

Even when our troubles are not the WORST that can happen, we get upset.

Someone is short with us, cuts us off in traffic, frowns, or doesn’t say hello. That may be the low end of the scale, if there is an imaginary scale, of stressful experiences.

Higher level stress may happen when then someone we love steals from us, leaves us, or dies…or our lives change with job loss, an accident, moving to a different town, a war breaking out in our country.

Researchers have written Stress Scales giving points to various occurrences. You can score yourself on how much stress you might be experiencing in your life and this can help explain your predicament.

But the thing is, it doesn’t matter what the level is, really. Big, small, grand scale, tiny passing moment….when we’re batted around by life circumstances like a flag flapping in the wind then life is a bit rough.

When we react to situations with stress and we are 100% against certain situations happening, we live our lives a bit on edge.

At least I sure have lived like that.

I have to worry about what COULD happen, and never forget what DID happen, and I have to build a fortress or good sound structure, (as best I can) to help get this ship from point A to point B, birth to death, without much ado.

It’s a lot of work, a lot of being careful.

It dawned on me yet again, while thinking about “identity” recently, that many spiritual teachers and wise mentors speak of this anxiety, this worry about situations, this effort, and this focus as VERY PAINFUL.

To get a good identity built nice and strong, you really have to work hard to keep it intact.

Part of my identity has been The One Who Is Tackling Life, Reducing Anxiety, Becoming Free and Helping Others.

If something looks outside of that definition, like if I look like The One Who Is Lazy, Apathetic, Generating Anxiety, Imprisoned, and Not Caring About Others….oh no!

EMERGENCY! Do whatever it takes to repair and rebuild the “good” identity.

As I sat with this awareness of identity, how I might be seen by others, how I look at other people myself…I had the idea “what if I gave up even this?”

What if I gave up worrying about whether or not I am a good person, who is liked, respected, special?

What if I didn’t hope for any outcome, or EVER wish anything was truly different than it is?

What if I didn’t wish anyone I’ve ever met was different? What if I let go of trying to grab on to good situations, or balance, or happiness?

I always notice that when I am grabbing, or against a situation, then something un-true is happening in my mind.

To put it bluntly, I’m believing a lie.

I have my opinion about how things should be (not this) and I am Something. I have something to say, offer, correct, defend, attack, or write a discourse on.

It’s interesting to watch that little worried mind do its thing. It apparently is a part of this experience, it’s apparently there for a reason. Nothing wrong with any of us for having that part of the mind in operation.

Watching it go off, though, can be incredible when you tap into another part of you, or a different part, that I often ignored in the past….

This is the Observer. It’s the one who stops and watches. The part that has no agenda. The part that knows this little incident that appears unpleasant couldn’t matter less in the big scheme of things (except as a jewel for your own journey).

Who would I be without the thought that I need to build a good identity, to try to be as perfect or helpful as possible? Who would I be without the thought that I need to work at being as healthy, kind, generous, alive, joyful, or enlightened as I could ever be?

A thousand times more relaxed. Not pushing in life, not driven, not forcing myself to be any way. Accepting, easy-going, naturally kind or silent, no expectations.

Letting everything go, letting your situation be the way it is, not grabbing and trying to redefine it or make it fit into your special identity….you may taste a freedom beyond imagination.

“A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher. You’re the one.”~Byron Katie

Today in this moment I notice who I am without stressful thinking.

I relax and stop focusing on building my structure, the definition of ME. I rest and watch, leaving everything alone. WAIT! But…I start to try to change something….but then I stop. I remember not to defend, build up, push, pull, assert.

“You just decide, once and for all, to take the journey by constantly letting go…..if you’re willing to let go, you will fall back and it will open into an ocean of energy. You will become filled with light.”~Michael Singer

Love, Grace