Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Asking For Money Is Tacky?

Many people have written to me with questions about the One Year Program starting in June. One of the most important logistical questions has been “can I make payments, instead of pay all at once?” I just got that figured out, and it’s at the bottom of the webpage all about the program if you click HERE. If you’re eager and you know this is right for you, I’ll make every effort to make it work.

Finances and money and business and earning can bring a whole WORLD of stressful thoughts. Signing up for things that cost something, paying for services, providing services!

Oh man! It’s rough!

I used to think “YIKES! I hate asking for money!! I would do this for free (with my work)!”

Now I certainly don’t hate it, but it’s not always exactly easy-peasy. Isn’t that strange? So many underlying and rather oppositional beliefs about asking, waiting, charging, stating what you want or need.

  • it’s not classy to ask for money, even if you need it
  • people think you’re a loser, or selfish, or greedy, if you want money
  • people think you did something stupid or wrong in your past if you need money now
  • asking is too vulnerable, people might criticize you
  • people think you’re untrustworthy or disorganized or dumb if you can’t pay your bills
  • getting into debt is for people with very bad planning–they should have known better
  • spending money on things you don’t need is wasteful
  • it’s more altruistic to give without asking
  • you better give something of big fat value if someone gives you money
  • if you do something “luxurious” people can get jealous
  • rich people are having more fun than poor people

Just remember, stressful thoughts are NOT LOGICAL. But they still can sit there in the back of the shadows and run your behavior in surprising ways.

About five years ago I was in a workshop about my relationship with money. After several days of writing, looking, examining beliefs about money (like the ones above) we had an exercise assigned to us:

Go out into the street and do what it takes, by asking, to receive six dollars, and then give away six dollars. No explaining to people that this is an exercise. Just “get” six dollars from total strangers.

I just about threw up on the spot. I was NOT going to do that very unpleasant totally tacky exercise. I already felt low about money…this would make it worse.

What would people think?

But I knew that I was experiencing something strong for a very important reason: VERY STRESSFUL THOUGHTS ABOUT ASKING FOR MONEY (see above list).

You know what I was like because of those thoughts about money? Shut down, quiet, secluded, undemanding, not very generous, careful, worried, passive, anxious, never standing up for myself, low passion about work, low-income jobs, not very creative, powerless, hidden, soft-spoken, nervous, bad feelings about myself, and thinking I had little to offer.

I was like a twisted knot of stress. I just wanted money to go away. I wanted to never encounter it or need it at all. In fact, I treated money like a nasty, crazy uncle who needed to stay in the basement.

One of the most powerful life-changing exercises for me has been to question this kind of thinking about money, and my relationship to it.

What if it’s my friend? What if it comes to me like breathing in and out? What if it is beautiful and exciting to ask for it, like asking someone you find very attractive to have tea, or dinner?

Those are the kinds of ideas that began to occur to me when I considered who I would be without the thought that wanting money is bad.

How would you live your life if you turned these thoughts around? What are examples of them being true for you in your life?

  • it is very classy, wonderful and eye-opening to ask for money when you need it
  • people think you’re a winner, self-less, generous, if you want money
  • needing money in the present moment has no meaning about the past or something going wrong…things are adjusting perfectly, you are creative, and you are safe
  • asking is neutral, or a sign of strength, and people might accept you even more
  • people think you’re trustworthy, organized, or smart if you see truthfully that you can’t pay your bills and you’re authentic and realistic about it
  • getting into debt is for people with very good planning, and you can plan your way back out
  • spending money on things you don’t “need” is joyful, celebratory, fun
  • it’s more altruistic to ask, you are caring for your life
  • you better give something of big fat value FOR YOU if someone gives you money
  • if you do something “luxurious” people can get inspired
  • you can have fun no matter how much money you have…even with nothing

What if you lived this kind of relationship with money for the rest of today?

Freedom, joy, happiness, dancing, resting, relaxing, connecting all can happen, even with an empty wallet. Even with a full wallet and a business to run and help to offer other people who are looking for your services.

Nowadays, money lives up here in my house, not in the basement. Money is a delightful, fun, friendly relationship.

It is fun living the turnaround that money is wonderful to ask for. I see how wonderful it was to ask for it when I almost lost my house and had no money left…and then I gained so much confidence watching myself pay back my debts.

If you need time to achieve something, it must be false. The real is always with you; you need not wait to be what you are. Only you must not allow your mind to go out of yourself in search.”~Nisargadatta

“Many of us are motivated by a desire for success. But what is success? What do we want to achieve? We do only three things in life: We stand, we sit, we lie horizontal. Once we’ve found success, we’ll still be sitting somewhere, until we stand, and we’ll stand until we lie down or sit again. Success is a concept, an illusion. Do you want the $3900 chair instead of the $39 one? Well, sitting is sitting. Without a story, we’re successful wherever we are.”—Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Love, Grace

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Your Stressful Thoughts Are Knocking–Open The Door

One spot left for Saturday’s mini-retreat doing The Work. Two days away! This is doing The Work starting from scratch. You don’t need to know anything about self-inquiry….just bring yourself and your amazing MIND.

I will walk you through the steps one-by-one. No experience needed. (Write grace@workwithgrace.com if that last spot is yours).

If you are NOT new to The Work, then you’ll know that this process of doing The Work is a contemplative, focused practice that gives your busy mind time the chance to be heard…and questioned.

No issue is too big or too small for The Work. Kinda like an ad in the newspaper for odd-jobs or handy-work.

Who knows….you may think all you have is a small leak in the roof when it rains hard, and it turns out the whole attic is saturated, once you open up the area that looks slightly damaged.

It’s like when I work with someone who comes to me because they feel a little dowdy or overweight, a little unhappy about their body…even though it’s also not a big deal in the big scheme of things.

We may look at all the beliefs they have about why it would be “better” to have a different body, a more improved body, or what is going on in the moment they eat too much or reach for food. Those are interesting to question.

And THEN I might ask “so…what else brings on stress in your life? What else feels disappointing or uncomfortable?”

Oh. You mean, my unpleasant relationship with my body or eating might be related to stressful thinking, doubt, grief, sadness, rage, or terror?

The process of thinking is so fast, speedy, busy, winding and semi-logical (ha) that it’s hard to even KNOW what thoughts we have that we believe that we’re running on.

All we know is, we feel anxious, nervous, angry, irritated, sad, depressed….a whole slew of stressful feelings.

The Work is a ticket, if you like to “think” and work with this fast, brilliant mind, into how to address these feelings.

I find that feelings and thoughts line up every time. If I’m afraid, or upset, or angry, I’m believing something unpleasant, I’m worried about the future, I’m imagining bad thing occurring, I’m replaying a distant (or not-so-distant) memory.

But it moves so fast, almost like those subliminal messages we once heard about in advertising, flashing on our consciousness. We don’t register our thoughts clearly.

They’re there, then gone.

Suddenly, we feel like overeating, or drinking, or we make a caustic remark, or we tell a lie or gossip about someone, or we decide its time to move to another town, or another job, or we can’t sleep, or we feel jealous.

With The Work, we enter at the place that hurts, even if it’s only a sunburn, or a hang nail, or a pulled muscle, or a feeling of total annoyance at the traffic, or some doubt or worry about our childhood, or money, or our business, or being chronically late, or wanting endlessly to lose ten pounds.

We enter at the doorway that’s offered to us that says “YOUR STRESSFUL THOUGHTS” on it.

When we open that door, we may find quite a few thoughts inside. That may be an understatement of the century!

With The Work, or any powerful self-inquiry method of looking, watching, observing and relaxing….those stressful beliefs become very questionable.

And when you don’t believe those thoughts anymore….amazing things can occur.

You may see the beauty in that person who bugs you, you may find your body is quite lovely the way it is, you may not be compelled to eat or drink so much, you may remember your childhood with compassion, you may not be afraid of not having money, or getting sick.

You may find you begin to sleep well, or lose weight without trying, or start liking your job again, or open up a flow of money. You may be filled with a deep gratitude.

All things are possible.

Love, Grace

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They Might Reject Me

Close, connected, real, honest conversation is one of the most joyful or energizing experiences humans can have.

People speaking what they really think and feel, and asking questions of another, and saying what is hard to reveal or what’s actually going on in their lives can be life-shifting.

Really….one conversation can have such a powerful affect on someone, they may decide to change something big in their lives, or feel inspired to move in a direction only previously imagined.

This essence of genuine, vulnerable sharing has been something human beings do with each other perhaps since they first came into existence.

And humans also hold back what they are thinking, feeling, wondering. They hold back asking questions or bringing up hard topics.

For me, when I’ve had a difficult time saying something to someone that I really do want to say, or asking a question I’d really love to know the answer to….it’s usually got something to do with these beliefs:

  1. I could be rejected
  2. I could hurt the other person’s feelings
  3. If I hurt the other person’s feelings, they might leave or hate me—see #1.

Oh horrors! I might produce anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration or fear in that other person! They might produce the same inside of me!

I jest….but it feels like a gigantic risk when these big troubling feelings could happen and BECAUSE of these feelings, you could be rejected.

One of my favorite authors and wise-guys, Anthony DeMello, said that he discovered inside himself that he had this kind of relationship with God (whatever God was for him).

He wanted God’s love, attention, care…and thought there was a risk of losing these things.

But being the defiant and interesting Jesuit priest he was, he decided to talk with God and tell him that he didn’t need him. Even though this was the opposite approach he had grown up with and always been taught.

“If I need you to make me happy, I’ve got to use you, I’ve got to manipulate you, I’ve got to find ways and means of winning you. I cannot let you be free. I can only love people when I have emptied my life of people. When I die to the need for people, then I’m right in the desert. In the beginning it feels awful, it feels lonely, but if you can take it for a while, you’ll suddenly discover that it isn’t lonely at all. Is is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower.”~ Tony DeMello

So I question the belief “being rejected is terrible” first of all….and then the belief “I am being rejected”. I mean, I have to assume I’m being rejected first, and THEN that it’s a bad thing, a terrible thing, and something to avoid!

It’s terrible if someone doesn’t like me, rages at me, attacks me, is rude….it’s terrible if they become scared of me and run away, or feel ashamed because of some interaction with me, or vanish.

Is that true? Am I sure it’s terrible? Am I sure that they are indeed rejecting ME?

No. Their strong emotions may show that they are challenged by something that has nothing to do with me. They might be too freaked out to hear what I’m saying, they might be upset by something that has occurred in their past, they might feel defensive because they are uncertain and insecure.

How they are acting MEANS something bad…rejection, non-acceptance, abandonment, danger.

How about the Universe? If upsetting, difficult things happen in the world, surrounding me, does it mean I am bad, wrong, rejected, abandoned?

Is it true that I need God (or the Universe, if you prefer) to love me, and that I need to earn this love and make sure I’m not rejected? OR ELSE.

Pema Chodron speaks of this huge desire to be loved and not rejected. In Buddism, it is called “shenpa”.

“Somebody says a mean word to you and then something in you tightens – that’s the shenpa. Then it starts to spiral into low self-esteem, or blaming them, or anger at them, denigrating yourself. And maybe if you have strong addictions, you just go right for your addiction to cover over the bad feeling that arose when that person said that mean word to you. This is a mean word that gets you, hooks you. Another mean word may not affect you but we’re talking about where it touches that sore place – that’s a shenpa.” ~Pema Chodron

The freedom that can come forth by questioning the belief that you need acceptance, or that you’re not getting it, is astonishing.

Who would you be without the thought that you need anyone else’s love, including God’s love?

What if you already have all the love you need?

You may enjoy those beautiful, deep, authentic, loving conversations even more. The people who can really have them with you, in this moment in time, may appear with open arms.

If someone runs for the hills….it’s not personal. Love is everywhere. It is in them leaving, it is in their strong caustic-sounding words, it is alive and passionate in every moment.

Even this quiet one, with no one else in the room.

“If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich. If you stay in the center and embrace death with your whole heart, you will endure forever.”~Tao Te Ching #33

Love, Grace

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No Money Is Exciting

NO MONEY IS EXCITING

This morning was the last Monday of the always-wonderful teleclass on Money. It seems that money (and maybe everything comes down to this) leads to thoughts about existence. Money appears to be the cure for many forms of pain.

In this last exercise for the money class, we all consider a scene or situation that seems terrible, the worst perhaps that could happen when it comes to money, or lack of it.

Many people have visions of living on the street, or in a field with tarps overhead, with a shopping cart as the only method of carrying things. Cold, no food, no way to bathe.

Just yesterday, I rode in the front passenger seat returning from a beautiful sunny afternoon with family in Seattle (at my mother’s). Since my husband was driving the car, I looked into the bushes and trees and wild areas for a long stretch in the main north-south freeway in this big urban city that I’ve mostly called home base for forty years.

I saw whole group camps in there, people living in tents. Flashing by. It seems like I’ve seen this in every city I’ve ever visited, all over the world. Some maybe more prominent than others.

I saw tarps strung up between trees, another tent, worn trails that looked like hiking trails out in the wilderness, then one person walking along one of them.

We passed so quickly, it’s something not possible to even see unless I was not driving. I’ve noticed the same area for years, actually.

What is frightening about this scenario of what looks like homelessness? In our class, a wonderful inquirer thought about the cold…how terrible to be physically cold.

I think about walking the winding trails near the freeway myself, and notice fear of the people who live there being scary…that they might want to hurt me, they might be mean and desperate.

So together in our class we looked….and today I’m looking again, and thinking of the blue and black tarps and signs of humans living in the trees.

How do I react when I believe the thought that I would get hurt if I had to find a place to stay and didn’t know where? If I was stuck somewhere without money? If all I had was my car, or not even that but only a cart?

How do I react when I believe that it would be dangerous, terrifying, disturbing?

Have you ever noticed that one way you react is that you get mad at yourself for getting into this situation? You get mad at those other people who pushed you into this, or contributed to your demise?

I notice if I wasn’t afraid though, I wouldn’t get angry.

Who would I be without the thought that I made a mistake, I did it wrong, or that if I were walking in those bushes or living on the sidewalk or without any money, I would get attacked or suffer?

What if I really were in the middle of that situation that I imagine, cold and without money and not knowing where I was sleeping perhaps, owning nothing….and I did not have the thought that I failed, or something is wrong here, or that life is not worth living?

This is not about conning yourself into positive thinking, or telling yourself to think happy thoughts and “trust” when you do NOT trust.

This process here is about inquiring and asking myself who I would be without the fear of having a “bad” relationship with Money? Meaning, there isn’t any around to help me.

Who would I be without the thought that I need money to be safe, productive, comfortable or happy?

Free, free, free. Can you imagine it?

When I had no money left, my house on the way to foreclosure, I discovered that I might “have” to (it became—I might GET to) move in with my mother.

I realized what a joy that would be. How healing, what an opportunity. A time to make everything entirely and completely simple. Safe, focused, few possessions, comfortable, excited.

“You know what I love is everyone is all right. Everyone is all right. Find one place where you are not all right. I mean, you have not one proof that you’re not going to be all right when you look to your own life. Can anyone give me an example of one time when you were not OK? Other than what you were thinking and believing in your worst moment…were you OK?” ~Byron Katie

Could this situation be an adventure? What if I’m the luckiest person ever to have had that experience of having no money left in the bank?

But most important of all, what if that situation is now a memory, and right now the adventure is different. The amusement park ride has switched tracks. It is no longer necessary at this moment to be without money. And that could change any moment.

“Wherever you are is the place for surrender. Whatever the situation is that you’re in, you can say “yes” to what is, and that is then the basis for all further action….The desire to renounce the world is again the desire to reach a certain state that you don’t have now. There’s a mental projection of a desirable state to reach–the state of renunciation. It’s self-seeking through future. In that sense, it is ego. True renunciation isn’t the desire to renounce; it arises as surrender. You cannot have a desire to surrender because that’s non-surrender.”~Eckhart Tolle

Identify whatever it is that scares you the most about money. Not having it. Having it. Those other people having it. Those other people not having it.

“Other than your mind, you’re on a very exciting adventure.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace
P.S. We have room for 3 more in next Saturday afternoon’s mini-retreat. If MONEY is the relationship that troubles you…come give yourself a gift of 4 hours looking at your stressful thoughts about it. Who knows what letting go of thoughts of needing, wanting, demanding, fretting, or worrying about money, or ANY relationship, might bring?

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The Mind Is A Cesspool (Not)

For about twenty years, seriously, I thought about going on a meditation retreat before I ever went on one.

The picture I had of meditation was of someone sitting in a lotus position, or on a chair, very very still with eyes closed and a beatific smile on their face.

That meditating person was blissed out! It was like they were catching something, tapping into a chill vibration.

It was better doing it with other people, too (said my mind). Other experienced, calm, quiet people with powerful energy.

I went to a free evening with a Transcendental Meditation trainer. I read about the amazing effects of meditation and tried closing my eyes for five minutes only to hear an insane chatter box house of noisy thoughts.

I had a sort of love/hate idea of the very THOUGHT of going on a meditation retreat. I thought I couldn’t handle the silence, but it also sounded like a dream come true.

And yet, I noticed YEARS passing by before ever signing up and going on a retreat, where the focus would be meditating.

Why the heck did I wait so long?

There was always something else to do. I had social engagements, fun-sounding events, taking care of children, people who needed me, addictive behavior and anxiety to engage in (ha ha)….life.

Going to The School for The Work was the first experience I finally had, after all those years of waiting and imagining, where there was silence and a form of meditation.

It was not eastern Indian or TM or Taoist or zen…Byron Katie simply had us do The Work, and then stay quiet. There were signs up that said SILENCE. We did not speak.

After that, I knew I could do an actual meditation retreat, with the focus on meditating. Finally. AFTER TWENTY YEARS OF WAITING.

So off I went. No books, no writing materials, no internet, no phone. That was the invitation for all.

Be with yourself and your mind. That’s enough.

And it just about killed me.

KIDDING!

But my reasons, all those years, for avoiding meditation came out loud and clear. I couldn’t stop thinking anxious, frustrated, sad or silly thoughts.

My mind would show pictures, like a movie, of moments from ten years ago, two years ago, the face of someone I got upset with, a difficult scene from childhood, sitting in church wondering what this place (earth) was all about and who is God anyway?

And my leg would hurt, my head would itch, I’d fight falling asleep, I’d think about money and how I needed to earn more. I’d start making a list in my mind for what I would do the minute I returned home. I’d think about my two kids. I’d decide to paint my room when I got back. I’d think about questions I had about this spiritual path and feel very discouraged.

I called my own mind names. I actually said to the wonderful, inspiring teacher who led the retreat (Adyashanti): “MY MIND IS A CESSPOOL!”

He smiled, and I smile now just remembering it.

Because I’ve made friends with my mind now….finally.

We still have an occasional spat, don’t get me wrong. But now I LOVE MEDITATING.

Often it feels the minute I close my eyes and sit still…”oh good, hello! nice to be here with you today….I love you!”

I didn’t TRY to love myself either, that’s the weird thing. It just wound up that the more I sat quietly, and the more I wrote my thoughts down when I was upset so that I could be with THEM quietly, with inquiry….the calmer I got.

And then I began not only to be calm, but to find my thinking sort of weird and fascinating, and then to find it hilarious. And ridiculous….but without all the name-calling and meanness.

If you have ever had the idea that you’d like to encounter your Self, your own mind, your thoughts, your love (so far I see it living in just about everyone, they don’t all see it all the time), if you’ve ever thought “I’d like to meditate” then go for it.

The WORST that could happen is you feel like your mind is killing you and you completely flip out. I’m still alive, it turns out.

The BEST that could happen is huge awareness of you beyond mind….love, calm, joy, peace, relaxation, the true experience of surrender and not needing to do anything.

“Meditation is an age-old practice that can help relieve a host of ills brought on by the fast pace of modern life. All you need to meditate is a quiet place to sit, the ability to direct your attention, and a simple meditation technique. As long as you give it a well-intentioned try, you can’t go wrong.”~ Stephen Bodian 

Don’t wait twenty years like I did! If you have a hard time doing it by yourself, there are tons of retreats where people will sit with you in quiet contemplation.

I needed the group to have it sink in as a great joy….the structure to stick with it and not run for the hills.

Go sit quietly right now for 20 minutes! Or plan the soonest time you can do it, later today maybe.

If you notice uncomfortable *thoughts* (those pesky things) then you can do The Work on them later.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’ve been longing for the structure of an afternoon small group doing The Work together, a very contemplative and amazing way to deal with stressful thinking, then come next Saturday afternoon to my little cottage 1:30-5:30 and I’ll be your guide and host for your busy mind. Send me an email if you want to sign up or have questions: grace@workwithgrace.com.

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My Feelings Must Be Stopped!

One tricky area to question one’s thinking is when it comes to what is known as addictive behavior.

When people feel addicted, they often want to focus on stopping that behavior ASAP.

People who take my class on food and eating, for example, often feel like their number one goal is stop over-eating, or dieting, or obsessing about eating and food.

Most of us know that addictive behavior—activity that feels almost impossible to stop—has root causes. It doesn’t just appear out of thin, blue air for absolutely no reason.

Human beings have studied human behavior very deeply in an effort to understand what creates an addictive experience in a person, what drives them to it, how it happens.

Even with the careful looking, there is still some mystery about it all.

Two people in the same family, but only one experiences alcoholism. A whole army of people in a war, and some suffer drug addiction, but others don’t. One person picks up a cigarette and vomits, never touching it again…another loves something about it and keeps it up their entire life.

No two people have exactly the same experience.

My own addictive behavior began with a huge overpowering feeling to eat beyond comfort, disappointed that my stomach was full.

Something in me wanted to eat more than my body could use.

When I look back at that time, so long ago (it started when I was only a teenager) I see that for me, criticism of my body came first, before the urge to overeat. I was already doing sports and loved being athletic.

But I started looking in the swim team locker room mirror and seeing hips form, and it was bad news.

I remember saying to one of my best friends while we both brushed our hair…”just look at this horrible thing (pointing to my hip)–it looks like a shelf”. My friend, with naturally thin hips, pretended to put her shampoo bottle on my “shelf”. I laughed with her, but inside I was very anxious.

I thought I wasn’t perfect in my body. I thought being skinny was better. I thought looking bony was more appealing. I thought having a very thin, muscular legs showed discipline, power, and winning.

Girls who were thin and very athletic were better, tougher, intense, controlled. Everyone liked them, or looked up to them. They were respected.

They were POWERFUL.

I swallowed that belief….hook, line and sinker!

I heard it from people all around me, the important adults in my life, the culture, the neighbors. I knew what was true, over time. I didn’t question it.

In all the studies I’ve read of anorexia (I managed to hover at anorexic weight with no binge-eating for two years) and bulimia (a ten-year problem for me) AND other addictive experiences humans have…one thing is common:

Great suffering, feelings of sadness, fear, rage, and despair.

Of course, every single human being has, at some point in their lives, difficult feelings and unpleasant thoughts. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t.

But somewhere along the road I decided that MY feelings were destroying my chance at being thin, respected, good and powerful.

My feelings must be stopped.

I got really good at controlling myself. I didn’t show big feelings, ever.

The only thing is, this bizarre thing happened. My feelings came out like geysers in totally weird areas. Like FRANTIC BINGE-EATING and then later drinking alcohol and smoking tobacco.

The whole cycle of addictive using would feel like wild, chaotic behavior followed by being so spent I had to sleep for the entire afternoon, just to get back to “normal”.

I did many things over time to heal from this terrible, horrifying cycle. But one amazing place to start, with inquiry, is to identify some key times you felt huge big feelings.

Those situations will be “gold” for your journey. The people who scared you most, frightened you, worried you or with whom you felt mad.

It may not seem like you’re doing The Work on your addiction. You may have thoughts like “this is going to take forever” or “how is THIS going to help me stop using?”

Those are just MORE stressful thoughts, that lead to discouragement.

Your feelings are out of control, bad, overwhelming, and can’t be handled by you or others….IS THAT TRUE?

Who would you be without the thought that having a huge strong feeling is dangerous?

Your feelings may be the pointers to the most amazing areas of life to look at, question, and turn around.

Keep inquiring. Keep going. You may be close to the end of a whole wall of stressful beliefs about being alive that you may soon no longer believe in any more.

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.” ~Byron Katie

Give yourself a chance to sit with your feelings, and your memories, and find out if you can handle them.

I’m here to tell you….you can.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you want to give yourself the gift of an entire afternoon of looking at your beliefs, come to Seattle on April 6th to my little cottage and do The Work 1:30-5:30. Come back on May 18th and there’s a discount if you sign up for both. Scroll down to the In-Person workshops below to see the registration link. You never know what can change in one intensive session of self-inquiry!

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Relief, Peace, Group Work, Change. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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Do You Think You’re Being Punished?

The most recent teleclass on Money (called Earning Money) was so powerful for me. One participant identified this stressful belief in her life….a common and very painful belief:

The Universe Is Punishing Me!

For me, this belief can be present in a sort of underlying, secretive way. I can strut around like I don’t believe it, but there is a little seed of doubt….even if I DON’T BELIEVE THIS THOUGHT.

The ways this thought pop in as being possible are with what I call the old One-Two Punch of IF-THEN.

IF – THEN. It starts with a fabulous logical, even mathematical line of thinking. The mind just LOVES analyzing if/then.

  • If I jump off this cliff, then I will fall to the bottom down below
  • If I sit in sun and my skin is light, then it will burn
  • If I take that money, then I will get caught and go to jail
  • If I get sick, then I ate the wrong food
  • If my partner breaks up with me, then I was too mean/critical/bitchy/nervous (etc)
  • If I lose my job or lose my money, then I did something wrong
  • If someone opposes my success, then I got too powerful

Since I am experiencing something that feels painful, I am being punished.

Is that true?

The internal karma police can get really nit-picky about events and experiences…the mind very interested in finding out what went wrong, who did it, and how to balance things back to FAIR.

Punishment is defined as an aversive experience, something unpleasant. People locked up in jail are being punished for committing crimes. People who are flogged are being punished for bothering or hurting someone, maybe someone in authority over them. People who are shunned or cast out of a group are being punished for difficult behavior.

Punishment begins to look like anything unpleasant. People will think they are being punished if they get cancer, or lose money in the stock market, or if a friend withdraws contact.

But can you know that this is true?

No, I sure can’t. I can’t know if its true that anyone is being punished when troubling things occur to them, or to me. In fact, with The Work and inquiry, over time, I can’t even be sure if something IS troubling.

I find that when I’m already down the path of “logical” (ha ha) thinking that I KNOW when something wrong is happening, or something right is happening, and I’m 100% in-the-know about it…then I see how fast my mind takes a position without questioning it.

It’s definitely NOT relaxing to believe the stressful thought that I know what’s right and what’s wrong.

Have you ever spent time around someone who is certain that punishment is necessary for someone else? Or that they deserve punishment themselves?

Very painful, very closed and heavy…like cement. Not loving, quite powerless, and an energy-drain.

“As soon as the mind pulls out an agenda and decides what needs to change, that’s unreality. Life doesn’t need to decide who’s right and who’s wrong. Life doesn’t need to know the “right” way to go because it’s going there anyway. Then you start to get a hint of why the mind, in a deep sense of liberation, tends to get very quiet. It doesn’t have its job anymore. It has its usefulness, but it doesn’t have its full-time occupation of sustaining an intricately fabricated house of cards.” ~ Adyashanti

Who would you be without the thought that punishment is happening, or reward, or that someone “deserves” some difficult consequence?

What if the turnaround is true…that YOU are punishing the Universe, by withholding your love for yourself, or your respect and honesty for others, or your mis-interpretations of situations?

I discovered that the moment I believe in punishment, I believe in revenge, suffering, absence of love, the need for control, righteousness, anger, attack. The moment I believe punishment motivates me or anyone else, I believe in a very temporary motivation.

“People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That’s not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn’t understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you’re given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.” ~ Pema Chodron

What if the universe is friendly? Can you imagine this being true, even if that mean person wants you to pay for your evil ways….or you condemn yourself for having made mistakes in the past?

Try imagining it and see who you are without the thought that the Universe is capable of punishment.

Oh wow, I feel a sense of enormous joy, connection and happiness starting to seep in.

Love, Grace

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Cure Jealousy: Have A Love Affair With Yourself

The other day a reader wrote to ask about how to deal with her jealousy of a close friend.

Funny, this experience of jealousy also came up with a client during an individual session this past week.

Jealousy is torturous to feel for the people who feel it. They’ll admit this openly, but oh that mind keeps fixating on the person out there who seems more perfect, fun, rich, beautiful, confident, athletic, lucky.

The greatest Shakespearean scenes are developed out of the Great Green Eyed Monster: JEALOUSY!

Green, the color of sickness, rot, mold, decay.

Jealousy is described as a most dreadful, terrible insecurity…it feels insane. It seems to drive people into vicious behavior, or taking action that is vengeful, not peaceful at all.

But who would we be without the story that other people shouldn’t do all the things we get jealous of in life?

What if everyone is being just as they are, so amazing, attractive, beautiful, successful….and it is fabulous that they are in our lives, being that way.

What is underneath this jealous feeling? For me, it’s “I am not enough“. Always.

Are you truly sure that you are not enough? Not enough for what? To keep your lover monogamous? Are you sure it’s got something to do with you?

What if you were absolutely 100% enough? What if you had enough, did enough, lived enough, accomplished enough? What if it is just right, the amount you are?

What if you can look at your situation and ask who you would be without the thought that you are not enough? Or that THEY are not enough?

The thing is, everyone already deeply knows that they themselves are the most fascinating, curious, fabulous person they’ve ever known!

Yes, you read that correctly.

But we’re not supposed to think of ourselves as sooooo wonderful! That would be egotistical! That would be narcissistic! Self-centered! Evil! Narrow-minded!

And yet, we KNOW we are the ones who are the most interesting of any people we’ve ever encountered. We ourselves are the only ones who have been here through everything we’ve ever been through. We’re the only ones we can truly depend on.

If you really sink into this self, this interesting entity that lives who you seem to embody…and you follow your curiosity about who you really are…you can sense a gratefulness for being alive, a core joy, an excitement about the mystery of ALL THIS…..

It’s unfathomable, amazing.

It doesn’t matter if other people come, go, stay, flirt, leave, achieve, or look different than YOU.

You don’t care, because you are the love of your life! No one else can do anything to change that!

“I have this amazing love affair with myself going on, because I realize what that Self is. There just cannot be another!” ~ Byron Katie

If this seems like a far stretch, and you are caught in the pain of jealousy or envy, or fear that you are not enough…then write down what is not enough about you, and inquire.

Too old, too saggy, too slow, too poor, too boring, too out of shape, too dull, too plain. Why are these bad things? Why would it be better to be young, firm, quick, rich, exciting, in shape, sharp, and gorgeous?

When you begin to see the crazy thinking, the absurdity, the way you’ve believed that you could miss out on something or not “get there”….when you turn your jealous thoughts around…

…you’ll be free!

Have an amazing love affair with yourself! I highly recommend it! It will be the best love affair you’ve ever ever had!

Love, Grace

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Furniture Assembly Wars

I’ve been living with my adorable husband for 4 years now, and known for five, but never had the opportunity to assembly a piece of IKEA furniture together.

If you haven’t put IKEA furniture together before….you’re in for an adventure in analysis, patience, deciphering code, and victory.

We put a wardrobe together for 5 hours….well, ALMOST put it together.

Was that worth the cost of the reduced fee for a sturdy pine wardrobe, I ask? And let’s define sturdy, by the way…

But I digress!

The most important thing I found very intriguing was my inner thought patterns that flowed out towards this person I know very well, my team mate on this project. Goal = get wardrobe built.

During that goal….oh look. Gosh, was that ME who was thinking such things?

  • I could do this by myself faster
  • Lining up the screws in perfectly spaced order is totally unnecessary
  • Don’t step there with your dirty shoe!
  • Did I say faster? That this should be going faster?
  • Who moved the hammer?
  • If I had more money, I would have paid for an already-built wardrobe
  • Why don’t you know how to do this kind of thing blind-folded?
  • Where is the FLAT HEAD screw driver?
  • Give me the directions!
  • What time is it…I thought this would be done faster

The whole thing was hysterically funny, really.

I was like a dog holding a bone and you would have to kill me to get it. I was not leaving that room until that thing was put together, come hell or high water.

At midnight, we turned in. With the doors not yet assembled.

AAARRRRGHGHGHGHG!

Heh heh, not that I would take a little furniture assembly seriously or anything.

The Work can be applied on any stressful situation.

Even if the stress is mild. Even if you have NO investment and it’s totally and completely 100% fine with you that things are going EXACTLY the way they are and it’s NO BIG DEAL, and who cares…it’s only a piece of furniture!

This should go faster. Is that true?

Can I absolutely know that everything would be BETTER if this thing went faster? Am I sure that this is not fun? And that HE should know how to put this together without even looking at the directions? Is it really annoying when someone else does it differently?

What are the advantages of doing this little mini project in life?

Who would I be without the thought that this task is irritating, time-consuming, or unimportant? Or that I can do it better alone?

What daily tasks do you find irritating or less-than-pleasurable? What’s the payoff in finding them unpleasant?

The thing is, even small teensy little incidents or tasks can be experienced joyfully or with attack.

Like driving in traffic, picking up groceries, going to the library, vacuuming, mowing the lawn, going to the gym.

These are the things we do most repeatedly in our lives, after all. What if they were not just ho-hum, and not irritating, but WONDERFUL?

The way I know out of the idea that something is unpleasant is to question it. The sooner the better.

No. It should not go faster. No, it should not go as I command. No, I do not know how to do this but I can follow directions and so can my companion. Everything is OK. In fact, this is quite magical. There are only pictures on the directions, but we are doing it without words. It’s a game. The hammer moves, the screw driver appears, someone explains what they just figured out, hands all operate together to lift, turn, create. 

It should go exactly the speed it is going. This wardrobe, this traffic, that appointment, that phone call, this day, that taxi ride, this road-service phone call, that ambulance, this test, that shopping trip….this life.

This experience should go exactly as it is going.

In fact, it’s beyond me to think about ordering moments, space, knowledge and time around. And wardrobes.

That’s the job of Something Else.

“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing, thus has nothing to lose.”~Tao Te Ching #64

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Powerful Group work. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

 
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Thinking–The Mother of All Addiction

Have you ever tried to stop thinking? Ooooh boy, that’s a doozy.

Especially when you’re thinking about something uncomfortable, or even traumatic.

Should I choose that or choose this? I wonder what she meant when she gave me that look? He shouldn’t have slammed the door! I can’t stand seeing the accident over and over in my mind. I can’t believe she betrayed me like that. He must have a personality disorder of some kind. I wonder what will happen tomorrow? It would be god-awful to quit smoking now, at a time like this. I’ll quit later. 

The mind is busy running, commenting on EVERYTHING. Dang, it is busy.

Good news. Have you ever also noticed that some part of you NOTICES that you are thinking? That you have a mind that’s running and chattering itself practically to death?

So even though there’s this part that’s going high-speed in the fast lane quite a bit of the time, there’s another part that seems separate from all that. It notices the thinking.

Recently I was listening to Adyashanti, a spiritual teacher I greatly admire, and he said that when we meditate, we often notice this voice kick in and we get lost in it, but when we come up for air, suddenly becoming aware that we’ve been lost in thought, we can choose to feel gratitude.

Gratitude!? For wasting time being lost in my little measly ridiculous streams of thought for the last hour?!!

Yes, he said. We can feel grateful for coming back to reality, to expansiveness, to awareness and sanity!

In the past, I would criticize myself when I popped back up from a long drawn out thinking session.

What’s WRONG WITH YOU, you dork! Why can’t you stop thinking!

Not very kind.

It’s been a true Love/Hate relationship. I hate my thinking, I love my thinking, I hate my thinking, I love my thinking, I can’t stop my thinking, I won’t stop my thinking, I should stop my thinking, I need to stop my thinking, I like my thinking, I’m annoyed by my thinking….and on and on.

And then, silence. Noticing that thinking has been happening.

One of the most wonderful tools for a very busy thinking mind, is to offer it INQUIRY.

It seems like that mind just loves a good question. It gives it something to do! It loves giving answers!

If you have a repetitive thought…pause and ask: Is it true, what I am thinking? Is it really, absolutely 100% true? Can I know this is true?

How do I react when I’m thinking?

I lose sight of some of the world around me. I get lost “in thought.” I’m not very happy. I don’t see or hear very well. Sometimes I get furious, or depressed. I get very discouraged. Sometimes I get a rush of adrenaline, I’m anticipating, I’m excited.

If it’s heavy-duty fearful thinking, I can’t sleep well. I’m paranoid, or grief-stricken. Or I want to sleep too much. Or I want to escape and I may have an escapish-behavior. I used to eat!

Who would I be without thinking? If I really couldn’t think anymore, what would that be like?

That’s a wonderful thing to imagine. Sometimes, there’s something a little disconcerting about it. If I didn’t think, I would be a zombie, or a vegetable, or a nincompoop! I’d be rude! I’d be MORE lost than I am when I do think! I’d make terrible decisions! Oh no!

But what if it wasn’t scary? What if we were more efficient, more amazing, more energetic, more clear….without all the thinking?

“To enjoy the world without judgment is what a realized life is like.”~Joko Beck

Considering what lots of thinking has done for me so far, I’m willing to question the truth of it.

In fact, in questioning my thinking, I notice my life has become more calm, more free, more relaxed, more rich, more beautiful than ever before. Every day is quite wonderful.

My thinking is still alive and well, but oh how thrilling to not believe it…every moment I get freedom from beliefs is so much fun!

Maybe I’ve been addicted to thinking, but now, I’m learning what to do with the thoughts. Bring them to inquiry. Ask if they’re true.

And OH BOY…A One Year Program for The Addictive Mind is READY!!

If you’ve been one of the many people who have asked about this one-year program for a small group to work together in support of questioning all the biggest “thoughts” we’ve ever learned that feel stressful…

Go here to read all about it.  I can’t wait to start in June on a fabulous journey.

“Imagine your house of thoughts standing in the middle of an ocean of light from a trillion stars. Imagine your awareness trapped inside the darkness of that house, struggling daily to live off the artificial light of your limited experiences. Now imagine the walls crumbling down…”~ Michael Singer

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend.Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.