Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Those Troubling Relationships Were Perfect For You

This past week the Year of Inquiry participants started in our very first month together as we gather for twelve months on the phone to do inquiry.
We have a different topic every month, all year.
What’s the first topic we address?
Why, Family of Origin of course. The original foundational experiences that seem to have shaped us.
[Cut to The Sound of Music. Maria is playing her guitar and singing“we start at the very beginning, it’s the very best place to start…”]
Family of Origin was called FOO in my Behavioral Science graduate school program. I love calling it FOO.
It reminds me of taking something with greater levity, in fact really goofy….like saying Fooey! Foo Boo! Foo Poo!
But I know, it doesn’t always seem so light. Even if the memories run way back, and seem like they happened a long, long time ago.
These are the people who influenced us strongly. These people we’ve spent a lot of time with when we were kids, or perhaps we’ve longed for their presence in our lives. We’ve felt like something was missing, or wrong, or terrible, when it comes to them.
Maybe we just had one big run-in with that person, and we still remember the incident sharply, and the jab we felt in our gut at the time.
People mostly picked “mom” or “dad” to do The Work on, but this is not required. Siblings, grandparents, neighbors, cousins, teachers.
One inquirer had a very difficult experience with a doctor she saw when she was a teenager.
The great thing about this approach to self-inquiry, is that YOUR life, and even your mind, right now, as it remembers your life, is guiding you in the most perfect way possible to your freedom.
I love the way that happens.
That person who stimulated irritation, sadness, fear, anxiety, hatred, nervousness or grief inside you….that’s the person to start with.
“Your daughter is the perfect daughter for you, because she’s going to bring up every un-investigated concept you have until you get a clue about reality. That’s her job. Everything has its job. This candle’s job is to burn, this rose’s job is to blossom, your daughter’s job is to use drugs, my job is to drink my tea right now. And when you understand, she’ll follow you, she’ll understand. It’s a law, because she’s your projection. When you move into the polarity of truth, so will she. Hell here, hell there. Peace here, peace there.” ~ Byron Katie
 
Those FOO are the perfect FOO for me. This doesn’t mean I do a number on myself and switch to believing it’s all my fault and I’m the one who had the wrong view…..not at all. The projection is innocent.
I grew into believing concepts, without investigating, in the presence of these people.
Now, I get to question my thinking, and notice I have the most amazing, beautiful sisters I could ever dream of–all so powerful, so brilliant, so unique. I have a mother who is kind, loving, independent, a huge contributor to the city we live in. I have a father, grandparents, and extended family in every direction who are the most intriguing, fascinating, wonderful people (even though they’ve all passed away).
Each person a curious facet of the puzzle of unraveling a belief-system, so the world is getting bigger and bigger.
If you’d like to take a look at important relationships in your life, long past or currently present (you get to choose who) come join the 8 week class that starts Mondays, Sept 22nd – November 10th. We meet from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time.
Click HERE to register.
“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46
 
Much Love, 

Grace

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Yes? No? Maybe? Finding Freedom From Gut-Wrenching Indecision

Oooh boy, when it comes to making decisions, sometimes it produces a lot of stress inside.

What should I do?! Which should I pick?! What if I regret it?!

This past week I’ve talked with not one, not two, not three, but FOUR wonderful inquirers on this topic of making a decision….

….and how much it hurts.

The pressure, the worry, the fear.

Inquirers I spoke with either had a decision they just made that was painful, or an impending deadline with a big decision looming, or the hand-wringing decision where the list of pros and cons seems about the same, so you can’t decide.

But before I say more about inquiry and decisions….some of you have asked about upcoming teleclasses.

I’ll be offering my powerful 8 week Relationship Hell to Heaven teleclass starting Monday, Sept. 22 at 9-10:30 am Pacific time.

Any relationship will work as your starting point.

Anyone you’ve argued with or felt disturbed by. We start from the beginning to look deeply at that person, those conditions, those situations…and understand what really bothers us, what’s true and what’s false.

More on this later, but if you want to register, you can click the button at the end of the email. If you have questions, hit reply and I’ll answer.

So back to the decision drawing board….

….Ha ha, isn’t what I just did just like making decisions sometimes?

You start contemplating a problem, a dilemma, or a choice, and you begin to sort out a few ideas about each. You research and collect some information. You’ve got an idea in mind, why you’re even thinking about all this in the first place.

And then, you switch the subject.

Whatevah, I can’t make a decision right now…I’ll wait and see.

It doesn’t come easily. Your mind gets tired. You ask your friends and family to all listen to your dilemma and put in a vote.

A friend once told me about how she had so much trouble making decisions at one point in her life, that if she was presented with two options for events in one night, she’d get sick to her stomach.

She would start driving to one, change her mind and turn the car around to head to the other, then turn the car around again to head back to the first.

She wanted to be in both places at once.

This might seem minor, but the anxiety can be monumental.

The first thing to do is to see what your mind is telling you about this decision. It may not be very friendly.

  • If I don’t say yes, I’ll miss a huge opportunity
  • If I don’t say yes, I’ll have nothing
  • If I don’t choose the right thing, something terrible will happen
  • I have to make the right decision
  • It’s possible to make the wrong decision
  • I could ruin my life or someone else’s life if I make this decision
  • What I say “no” to, I will lose forever
The dilemmas I heard about this week were big. Whether or not to have a baby, deciding between two schools for a child, what to do with a beloved pet, whether or not to enroll in a program.

I just about exploded my own head with important decisions: what to major in at school, should I go to graduate school, should I get married, buy that house or this house, offer this program, quit my part time job, get a job over there, homeschool my kids…

I think I drove my friends seriously crazy with that decision about homeschooling kids! (More on that one in a past Grace Note).

So let’s look at these core thoughts about decisions, and what the REAL fear is.

Is it true that you have to say yes, or lose something? Are you sure YOU *have* to make the right decision? Are you positive that if it goes bad later on, it will be because of YOUR decision? Are you sure you couldn’t handle a little disappointment, or new information, down the line in the future?

Well….no. Since you put it that way.

I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. Or next week. Or after I decide. Life will carry on, until it doesn’t.

How do you react when you think you’re in charge? When you think it’s all on you, your the one who has to make it happen? When your actions have to be right, not wrong, and your future MUST be favorable?

Yikes! So much banking on this future, so much fear of feeling bad later on and trying to avoid feeling bad or feeling regret or feeling like I lost something!

Who would you be without that belief, if you couldn’t think the thoughts that you need to make the right choice, it HAS to be good, you can’t make a mistake, you might hurt someone or yourself, you have to be very careful?

Woah.

Ha ha. Not so serious.

“You can sit there and think, ‘Oh, I need to do something with my stocks’, and then you can inquire. Is It True? No, I can’t really know that…..So you just let the process have you. You just sit there with what your passion is, and read, and watch the Internet and let it educate you. And the decision will come from that, at the perfect time. It’s a beautiful thing. You’ll lose money because of that decision, or you’ll make money. As it should be. But when you think you’re supposed to do something with your stocks and imagine that you’re the doer, that’s pure delusion. Just follow your passion. Do what you love, inquire, and have a happy life while you’re doing it.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around:

  • If I say yes, I’ll miss a huge opportunity….if I say yes OR no, I’ll always have opportunity, as long as I’m alive
  • If I say yes, I’ll have nothing….I love nothing, space, emptiness
  • There is no right or wrong thing, and something wonderful will happen….it always does
  • I do not have to make the right decision…there is no right or wrong decision, I can work with whatever happens
  • It’s impossible to make the wrong decision
  • I could save, create, build, expand my life or someone else’s life if I make this decision
  • What I say “no” to, I will gain forever

Couldn’t these thoughts be just as true, or truer about making decisions?

And I love what one fabulous inquirer found just yesterday in playing with the turnarounds all the way:

“A right decision has to un-make me.”

Giggling! So true!

All my effort, anxiety, pushing, poking, weighing-in, analyzing….

….all of it assisting the un-doing of “me” as the boss of the future, when it comes to decisions.

“In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped. Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.” ~ Tao Te Ching #48

And here’s the link if you want to sign up for Relationship Hell to Heaven, 8 weeks of doing The Work on People. Freedom!

Click here to read all about it, and register.

Much Love, Grace

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When I Started The Work, It Made Me Sick

Last night a wonderful group of people showed up to do The Work, rain pounding like it hardly ever does in Seattle.

The kind of rain where you can’t go from your door to the mailbox, you have to wait it out. Unless you don’t mind getting so wet, it’s like you were sprayed with a garden hose.

This meetup format I’ve been doing only a little bit now (this was the third time) is really interesting, and fun. People with every range of experience come to find out what The Work could be all about.

Like, what’s the fuss, anyway?

Because of talking with people regularly who are very new to The Work, I remembered my own journey with it more deeply last night.

And my resistance to it….but oddly fascinated at the same time.

It was a lot longer journey than you might think.

First, there was seeing the book Loving What Is in a bookstore and waiting until it came out in paperback.

Then, there was finally reading it.

Around that time, either during or after reading Loving What Is, there was the discovery that Byron Katie was coming to Seattle, my home town.

She would be in a huge hall downtown in the Seattle Center, for two full days, a Saturday and a Sunday.

I signed up.

I remember when I entered on Saturday morning, someone handed me a red rose. I didn’t go with anyone I knew. My usual approach to things. Just sign up and go on my own. I never wanted to talk to anyone else if it was something I was seriously contemplating or wanting to understand.

(Still like that a lot of the time).

I took a seat amidst a huge crowd, sort of towards the back left side, facing the stage in the distance. On every seat was a blank Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and one of those little pencils.

I stared at this worksheet.

What do I write about?

In some ways, there’s so much I’m upset with, in other ways, it’s just a few key terrible incidents and situations.

Where do I begin?

Katie said something about picking one person I was very upset with.

Visions of ME floated through my head. It was so hard, it seemed, to think of other people I felt upset with and actually write those secret, horrible thoughts down on paper.

Aren’t I trying to forget all about those thoughts?

Katie said to write about something terrible that happened, something difficult, an argument.

I wrote about an abortion I had, only a year previously. I considered it the most horrible thing I had ever gone through, the inner war, the sick stomach, the indecision, the self-hatred.

My hand was shaking as I wrote. I could only write one, short, crisp sentence for every question on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I wrote almost the same thing, repeatedly.

(A few years later, I was writing first drafts of JYNs with an entire page for every question, which I then carefully combed through for understanding and clarity, and then wrote a “final” shorter JYN).

Then Katie said “turn to the person next to you and read your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet to them out loud”.

Wait. What??!

I came alone for a reason! I came alone on purpose! It’s called Not Talking To Anybody!

My head started getting hot.

I read the worksheet to a total stranger man who was about ten years younger than me. He nodded and was very accepting and kind. His worksheet was on his girlfriend.

But an hour later, my throat was hurting. I took ibuprofen. My ears were ringing. It felt like I was getting a fever.

I was.

I didn’t hear much more that day.

But I went back Sunday morning. With a fever of 103, with tylenol and ibuprofen coursing through my system. I did not want to miss the second day. I wanted to understand.

I could hardly speak.

Katie asked who would like to do The Work. There was no way in hell I would ever have raised my hand. Certainly not in that condition, with a fever and pounding ears.

And then a woman, far across the room, standing up so everyone could see her, holding a microphone (!) began to read her worksheet.

I am horrified with myself because I had an abortion. I want to un-do the entire thing. I shouldn’t have done it, I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant….

My back, arms and legs were shaky and my head and ears were burning, my body chilled. I held my head in my two hands, propping it up like it weighed 800 pounds.

I don’t even remember what the woman looked like, but I heard Katie facilitate her through one thought, as she stood and answered the four questions in front of all those people.

Then I got up, and left at the next break, and drove home.

It seemed like nothing happened for me on the inside, around “getting” what this was all about, about inquiring into one’s thinking.

All I could do was to go to bed and sleep until the next day.

But I didn’t realize that it was the beginning of an absolute transformation in my inner world, my perception of all of reality. It was the beginning of true forgiveness, of realizing that my thoughts and presence are not unique, or separate…and that I was innocent.

Out of all those people in that huge auditorium, that woman who stood up and read what she was most ashamed of was the very same as me.

Turned out, I didn’t have to raise my hand, finish the event, meet anyone, make any new friends, or even feel well.

I got what I needed, anyway.

“Eventually, realization is experienced automatically, as a way of life. Peace and joy naturally, inevitably, and irreversibly make their way into every corner of your mind, into every relationship and experience. The process is so subtle that you may not even have any conscious awareness of it. You may only know that you used to hurt and now you don’t.” ~ Byron Katie

It took a little more time before I actually spoke with anyone about questioning one’s thinking and doing The Work, and then more time before I went to The School.

That’s the way it went for me. One little step at a time.

Like the light getting turned up brighter, brighter, brighter. So slowly, I didn’t even realize it until one day, I looked around and was astonished.

And although I’ve shared this before…for some reason, it’s time to share it again.

Sit for four minutes with me, and listen (click the link right below). You can do it, even if it makes you feverish and sick. Questioning your beliefs can show you what is really true for you.

It’s good.

Click here: Leave Everything You Know Behind

Much Love,

Grace

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I’m The Only One Who Does This

I had to chuckle yesterday….because two men wrote me who are interested in joining Year of Inquiry but they were worried about being the only man.

Men are so welcome!

In fact, they are often a part of retreats, meetups, and many teleclasses I’ve taught over time.

It is interesting that not as many men show up as women to do The Work…and there could be all kinds of reasons.

But who would you be without your thoughts about men, or women, or fitting in?

When I first began doing The Work in earnest it was soooo powerful to do The Work on my perceptions of people, including groups of people….all men, all women, rich people, poor people, indigenous people, vegetarian people, midwesterners, New Yorkers, people from every race and culture all over the planet.

It’s funny how the mind loves to define a group, and categorize them, and add descriptors the more you learn and know.

Then you use those descriptors as definitions to match up against some other situation, another moment, in which those people are doing what they’re doing. And BAM, you have proof of the truth.

It’s The Way They Are.

Instead…when you have a global collection of thoughts about a type of person…you could question it.

Why question it?

Because it’s so incredibly fun on the other side. So mind-blowing, so opening, so expansive, so mysterious and unknown and wild on the other side of belief.

So you have a thought “I will be the only one (man, woman, white, black, asian, divorced, old, short, straight)”. 

Along with that kind of thought you feel separated, uncomfortable, like you’re in foreign territory.

How do you react when you have that “I’m the only one” belief?

A memory.

I’m pulling into the school parking lot. My hands suddenly feel shaky. I sound fake-chipper as I say “OK kids!” but my children are already getting out of the car, opening both doors in the back, jumping out.

They disappear across the playground. I stand beside the car for a moment, watching my children until they disappear, and then continue to watch all the kids stream in from buses, cars, heading for classroom doors.

I’m volunteering today, for the first time in over two years. Helping in the classroom for an hour.

I haven’t been here in awhile.

I have the thought “everyone will know I’m divorced.”

I’m the rotten, unlucky, loser mother who couldn’t stay married. They’ll have questions in their eyes, but they won’t ask because it’s not polite. They’ll feel sorry for me. The administrative staff won’t expect me to be around much. They’ll think I’m unreliable. Even if they don’t know what happened, they will think it’s bad. No one will want to get to know me.

How do you think I behaved when I believed that thought?

Quiet, smiling too much, unsteady and very uncertain anxiety all around me. Totally uncomfortable.

Who might I have been without all those separating stressful beliefs as I entered the school?

Who would you be without the thought that you’re the only one? That you know what they are thinking…and it’s bad?

Without the belief that I know what other people are thinking about me, I calm way down. I vibrate much slower, calmer, gentler.

When I hold still, and feel what it’s like without these kinds of worrisome thoughts, I notice something quite amazing.

I notice I adore these people. Without my beliefs about what they think of me, I find them beautiful. I feel joy about being with them, a centered, grounded, calm happiness.

Even with strangers, this happens! How remarkable!

Turning the thoughts around: I am not alone, I am infinitely connected and a part of a great, living, whole universe.

I am connected to the secretary, the teacher, the other parents I see in the hallways, the kids running by, the carpet, the windows, the table, the sounds of voices, the colors.

Without the thought that I am alone, the only one, the one who is different…I feel trusting, I let go.

I am grateful.

I turn the thought around again….I am the one who is believing I am bad. I am the one who is worried, upset, ashamed, nervous about who I am.

I am the one who thinks I am a failure, that I did something wrong, that I could be doing better.

Turn it around:

I’m the fresh, lucky, winning mother who did not to stay married. They will or won’t have questions, and some will easily ask and others won’t even think of it, no big deal. They’ll feel excited for me. They’ll expect great things with me and for me. They’ll think I’m reliable. Even if they don’t know what happened, they will think it’s wonderful. Everyone will want to get to know me. 

Haha, now isn’t that more fun? And just as possible?

It’s all imagination.

“Think left and think right and think low and think high! Oh the things you can think up if only you try!” ~ Dr. Seuss

That’s what we do with The Work. We question our stressful, all-alone thinking, and open up to a whole new world of possibility.

Even if someone has said directly to you that you are an awful person and they hate you….can you start to imagine who you would be without the belief that it’s true?

You don’t have to go all the way to ecstatic gratitude or a huge feeling of love. This is open, blank, unknown awareness.

But you may be surprised. It may be easier than you think.

“The visionary starts with a clean sheet of paper, and re-imagines the world.” ~ Malcolm Gladwell

It all starts with questioning your painful thoughts.

If you are thinking of Year of Inquiry, there are still those two spots left…and these can be filled by any gender, any race, any age, any country, any time zone.

If you aren’t able to afford YOI right now, or wouldn’t be able to commit to a whole year, I have other ways you can be supported by The Work: shorter classes and calls you can join, meetups in Seattle and online retreats coming soon.

You can get what you need to question your troubling thoughts. You really can.

“I’ve been in many of Grace’s groups over the last 3 years, and am often the only “guy.” But it’s been fabulous on so many levels…to heal my own issues about relationships with both women AND men…and myself. I love Grace. And the groups are so supportive. I don’t know what I would have done with so many major changes in my life over the last few years. Hi to all the friends I’ve made as we’ve continued our life journeys together.” ~ Jack, Year of Inquiry 2013 

Much Love, Grace

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Never Stop Trying, Change The World

keepgoingWWGI can hardly believe it. Something good has happened. Something I was dreaming of happening for a long time.

Beyond expectation, really.

Have you ever had that experience?

You’ve been working towards something, running, stepping back, carrying on….and something wonderful happens.

A dream, come true.

You say while shaking your head and tearing up with the sheer joy of it….“wow, this is amazing, I can hardly believe it!”

One of my dreams is gathering many together in community, growing a practice, creating things that help people….

….and it’s happening.

I’m almost full for the Year of Inquiry program starting next week, like bursting full of truly incredible people.

I should probably replace the word “people” with “women” because we are all women. Women flying from several parts of the country for the retreats, women from Seattle. Women from England, Germany, Spain, Canada, some enrolled in the teleclass portion only.

Women who are already certified facilitators in The Work, many women who have attended The School for The Work, and women brand new to The Work.

I feel like my peeps are showing up, ready to practice deeply looking.

Together.

That’s what we’re doing….and it has strength and wonder in it.

I’ve worked with many people who have dreams for their future, secret wishes (or not so secret), visions.

They’d truly love to find a mate, to end the Not Enough story, to feel close with their teens, to be entirely healthy, to run a thriving business, to publish a book, to stop obsessing, to visit that other country, to loose all their extra weight, to love themselves, to make a decent living, to become enlightened.

They might feel like months, years go by but little or not enough “progress”.

Not there yet. Lots of effort. Not making it fast enough. Gotta figure this out.

But who would you be without the belief that you could never achieve that thing, or have what you desire or picture?

Without the belief that you can’t, or it’s too hard, or you don’t have enough time, or money, or you’re just too tired, or too old, or missing something?

Without those thoughts I notice how I keep living, dreaming, creating, trying different paths, without the belief that movement towards something is futile.

Today.

I keep discovering ideas. I keep writing. I keep working, I keep loving all the people I connect with, I keep going.

I keep refining, joyfully, myself…..as service.

Sometimes people think they shouldn’t want stuff, like cars, or fame, or being the creator of something helpful, or awakening.

“I just won’t want that, ever again…I’ll give up having desire!”

Who would you be without that story?

I’d be noticing that I am not the one running things around here. I move, life moves, everything unfolding in perfect order. A deep knowing in my heart that if I died tomorrow, I’m doing just what I most love to do today.

Only today.

If you have dreams of achieving, getting there, finding that, arriving, accomplishing….

….who would you be without any belief at all about having to get there, about needing to be THERE (in the future) in order to be truly happy?

“I say, skip the middleman, and be happy and free from where you are right now….The whole world is simply MY story, projected back to me on the screen of my own perception. All of it.” ~ Byron Katie

When I question my thinking, investigate what is really true, break apart and look with a flashlight inside these stressful thoughts….

….it is sincerely not necessary to have or gain that thing in the future.

And then, oh weird, that thing I wanted comes forth, or something even better.

“Spirituality begins when you decide that you’ll never stop trying. Spirituality is the commitment to go beyond yourself every minute of every day for the rest of your life….Eventually you will realize that it cannot actually hurt you to go beyond your psychological limits. If you are willing to just stand at the edge and keep walking, you will go beyond….Go beyond where you were a minute ago by handling what’s happening now.”~ Michael Singer

Feel your great desires today. Love them with all your heart, in this moment right now. Question your stressful thinking about what feels scary, or difficult.

I know you can do it, because I’m doing it.

And I am no different from you.

And although it is totally unnecessary, if you’re drawn because you love this investigation, there are two spots left in Year of Inquiry. We start next week.

A collective group of people who are conscious of living in the soup of conditioned beliefs passed along from generation to generation…..and who want to question them and find out the truth.

Question your thinking, change your world.

Much love, Grace

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The Surprising Result of Not Changing Anything

changehappensIn only one month, everyone in the new Year of Inquiry (YOI) will be gathering in Seattle to investigate troubling stories about being human.

We meet Sept 19-21, Friday night through Sunday 5 pm. There are still four spots available.

You can try a free group inquiry call to test the waters on how telesessions feel for you. We have three calls this coming week in Summer Camp: Monday 4 pm, Tuesday 8 am, Thursday 9:30 am. Just hit reply if you’d like to send me an email for information on how to join telecalls or YOI.

******

Speaking of being human.

This idea of doing vs being seems to appear frequently in conversation lately, even if the conversation is in my own head.

Doing has gotten a bad rap.

Being is better. Just Be. Then you don’t have to Do anything.

Lots of talk about not making effort, not working so hard, not pushing, relaxing, slowing down, moving gently.

Now…this is all very peaceful and restful.

But I had to chuckle the other day, because suddenly I realized how easy it is to make a project out of not-efforting and doing nothing.

Not that it was “working” mind you. It appears I still do a lot.

I’m not exactly lying around trying to relax all day on the couch.

But it’s more like I’ve been “trying” quite a bit to relax all day WHILE I work, write, meet with clients, teach classes.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…except I simply realized it’s such a PROJECT.

Like I could call it Project Rest.

Like there’s a competition going on, and winning equals being totally relaxed in every way in every circumstance, not believing any thoughts ever, never getting caught in addiction or vicious cycles of criticism or confusion, being of profound service to other people, and probably winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Sometimes in the past I’ve noticed an element of this going on with enlightenment. I’m “working” on it.

Project Wake Up.

Whew, the mind will grab anything and decide to organize, code, label, plan and master it.

Good news.

It’s OK that the mind loves this, loves solving problems, getting lessons, taking classes, “working” on stuff.

I know, because of doing The Work.

The mind takes over everything as a project…..Is that true?

Yes. I’m addicted to thinking and solving problems. I love to think, can’t stop thinking, do nothing except think, think, think. I need to figure out EVERYTHING. I need to understand, rest versus be busy, get something that I’m obviously missing.

Really?

Are you sure you are missing something? Are you sure you aren’t getting something? Are you sure you can’t stop thinking?

Uh…yes? What are you asking?

I mean…without missing something, trying to get something, trying to stop whatever…nothing would ever change for the better!

Something needs to change!

Is That True?

Woah…crazy question! How could that NOT be true?

A teensy little thought enters with the idea that it’s not true…..it’s OK that there’s thought, OK to leave everything alone, including this mind and allllllll my stories.

What a weird, paradoxical, hilarious place to go. Without the belief that I need to change my beliefs, or do something, or get somewhere different than here….

….I almost want to start laughing hysterically.

I turn the thought around that something needs to change:

Nothing actually needs to change. The mind trying to make everything into a project, including realization, doesn’t have to change. My believing doesn’t have to change. My work doesn’t have to change. My activities don’t have to change. My doing doesn’t have to change.

Even if this is the weirdest, strangest most truly foreign idea you’ve ever actually had when it comes to dealing with being human….

….notice how you feel when you don’t believe anything ever inside of you is missing, needs to change, or must be altered.

Isn’t that so fun?

No longer any project, or something you’re working towards.

Suddenly this moment now is truly all there is, even when there is thinking in this moment about a future, there is such thrilling alive acceptance of everything here, now.

There is no difference between being or doing. They are both happening and wonderful, no way to ever choose one or the other, they just appear.

“When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you.” ~ Byron Katie

If you love questioning stories…

…come join me and the incredible group of inquirers who collect together on the phone all year (and two fabulous in-person retreats) to question our stories.

Here’s the funny secret: we don’t try to change anything, thoughts about reality, people, bodies, places, time, or things all get examined…and things change all on their own.

“We rest in alert, awake presence, welcoming our present situation as it is. Our communications with others are vibrantly alive, not deadened or pushed away in favor of silence. We’re listening, living, and loving–not escaping into silence in order to avoid conflict or painful feelings. The quietness of presence is an opening, not a closing. It opens us to everything that’s happening within and around us.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Much love, Grace

 

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At War With Noise = Noisy Thinking

My house is not empty enough. Not quiet enough. Not big enough.

Everyone!! Out!!

That’s how I felt the other day.

One kid is running a vlogger youtuber guy on her phone while lying on the couch, another kid has his headset on and computer plugged in and he’s talking to a friend on a hangout (we hear his side of the conversation). Husband is working from home, sitting at the table answering emails, then on and off the phone.

Voices, sounds, electronics. Everyone in the same room.

Where’s the silence? Nevermind on the whole work-at-home thing! I need a sanctuary!

I went into my bedroom and shut the door.

Of course husband came in five minutes later (it is his room too) to get something.

“Just grabbing the mail I left! I won’t disturb you!”

Too late.

I must have complete and total silence. Immediately.

Is that true?

YEESS! This is really irritating. There are too many people in a very small space. I can’t take it!

Are you sure? Are you absolutely positive you must have total silence right now this minute? Are you sure you don’t have it already?

My eyes almost close with this question. Feeling a peace and darkness and the place that never cares about noise, almost instantly.

How do you react when you believe you must have quiet….or else?

Angry with everything that makes sound, that asks me a question, that interrupts or wants something. Full of the thought “I have to…”

As in I am forced to listen, I am forced into this position, I am trapped and stuck in this environment, there’s no way out, it’s a prison.

Um. Can you say…..victim?

Who would you be without that belief, that you have to contend with this noise? That you have to deal with this annoying situation and people all over the place imposing on your silent space?

“To stand alone in true solitude is to stand in the recognition of the absolute completeness and unity of all manner of existence.” ~ Adyashanti

All manner of existence. Including this so-called loud space where stuff appears to be happening and other bodies are living closely, at the moment, to one another.

Without the thought I notice in my room it’s quiet and sweet. It’s precious, all this fabulous family all living so closely, interacting near each other. I notice they are content.

I notice I am content.

The knocks on the door are a flowing part of a musical piece going up and down in sound. The chimes outside the window, the motors of cars in the distance, the neighbor stepping on his gravel driveway.

“You put your whole life on hold until you have ‘x’. If there’s not enough of it, we’ll put our life on hold and be happy, later. If I can get that, I’ll be happy. Skip all of that, and just be happy now…. There’s nowhere to go, and no one going. This is it. This is all your thinking has ever brought you. This is it. Heaven is always where I am. I stopped arguing with what is.” ~ Byron Katie

I do not need silence. I need my thoughts about noise to be silent. I need me to be silent.

And I realized suddenly, I don’t actually even need that. It really is here already.

“It is utter stillness. Such is the form and shape of your original mind. Your own nature is essentially pure and utterly still.” ~ Hui Hai

Bring on the sounds, the noise, the loudness. Let it play. Let it stop. Not exactly up to me. All beautiful.

Much love, Grace

 

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Old, Wrinkled, Sagging, Done–Hooray!

Many people have written to me about a Year of Inquiry (YOI) starting next month. One person asked if she could get a taste of what a group telesession was like, before deciding.

This got me thinking…

…next week is the very last week of Summer Camp for The Mind, where we’ve had 90 minute calls questioning our thoughts all summer.

If you’d really like to get a sense of how a telesession feels, our last three calls are Monday 4 pm 8/25, Tuesday 8 am 8/26, and Thursday 9:30 am 8/28. All Pacific Time.

Write me a personal email at grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d really like to join one of those sessions, and especially if you’re thinking about YOI. My gift to you.

****

Meanwhile, back on the ranch.

The ranch, in this case, being the body. Because that’s where the mind goes today.

The body, and the troubles with the body. Having to “deal” with the body.

Have you ever had a problem with the body?

First of all. About a week ago, someone offered me an espresso.

Well, maybe just this once. Yummy.

Five days later and at least four more espressos later, my hands are peeling, my face is dry, and I have a sick feeling in my stomach. Rats. Oh well.

Done with that….again. Now the skin has to heal up.

And speaking of skin.

I wanted to make a video. It was part of a very short, small project. It only had to be about a minute. I whipped out my cell phone…pretending I’m like all those smooth youtubers my kid watches…

…and when I watched the video…

…OMG. Seriously? I have that many wrinkles? I look like a dork, too, with my hair sticking up. Like I just got back from the gym.

Then there’s the surges of heat, where I feel suddenly completely warm, and sometimes slightly weird in my stomach. Kind of fascinating, but not exactly the best thing that ever happened in my life.

It’s called menopause.

My right second toe has some kind of knotted, weird, frozen joint thing going on. And let’s not mention that right torn and repaired hamstring from last year that still feels tight, numb and painful. Plus my right thumb kind of aching and not able to grab stuff tightly. (What’s with the right side? jeez)!

It’s a mess of imperfections and problems.

You may have your list, too.

That injury, the accident, the doctor’s visit, that thing that’s been hurting for a decade, the chronic ache that started when you were a teenager, the face, gray hair, sagging skin, the diagnosis.

It’s limited. There’s only so much time. This body will end.

What if you have stress, despair, fear, anger or concern about this state? That everything can only last awhile, and becomes more worn, used, old, or decaying over time?

Because everything does. Even a flower. Even a rock. Even a body.

Not long ago I did The Work with a woman who had been a big athlete in her life. Now, she had breast cancer. She was losing her hair with treatment. She felt ugly and like everyone could see, and everyone would know she was the diseased one.

They won’t like me, they’ll judge me, they’ll discard or move away from me, this shouldn’t be happening, I hate this disease.

Yesterday, I thought about her again. I could relate.

I hate this.

You can pick anything in the body. Small or large, light or traumatic.

I hate that this kind of thing happens, that things break down, that there is aging, change, sickness….I really do hate this.

Is it true?

Yes. It’s soooooooooo saaaaaaaad. Or frustrating.

Are you sure?

Yes. I got reading glasses some time ago and I think I have to go up to the next level. This is all the beginning of the end.

Death is approaching…even if it’s still 40 years away. My time is limited. I might have to cut my hair at some point, because who cares.

How do you react when you believe it’s sad that the body is limited, that it’s changing, or that its better to look young than old, or that sickness is horrible?

I don’t want to send the video with all those facial wrinkles. I don’t want to participate. I just want to read, learn, withdraw. I don’t want to hear anyone talk about me (it wouldn’t be good). I want to pretend I don’t have a body.

So who would you be without believing any of this? Without thinking this sucks, or that what’s going on is devastating? Without the thought that this is NOT LIKABLE?

Huh.

That’s weird.

This could be likable?

I love this. It shouldn’t be different. 

Strange.

“Why do you need to be straight in your posture? Is it true that you feel more open when you’re standing up? There’s no such thing as old age. There’s only an appearance. You look in the mirror, you tell the story of what you see, and you shut yourself down. What you see in the mirror is God. You tell the story of how its not, and how its wrong….And you don’t have to wait for old age, you’re living it now.” ~ Byron Katie

When I believe that I shouldn’t get sick, or old, or die…I’m against all signs that this could be happening, and stressed about those signs, and rejecting those signs.

But I can investigate right here, right now. Until it’s OK to have all these supposed ailments.

Suddenly, happiness. Smiling. I can feel so strongly what is not concerned at all, how very, very well everything is. Watching from out of these eyes, from what looks through them with absolute humming.

It’s truly awesome.

My thoughts were old, frail, aging, decaying, worn out, sick, limited, breaking down, falling apart, fuzzy, wrinkled, sagging.

Oh…that’s a good thing. I love that my thoughts and stories and nightmares and visions about bodies are breaking into a thousand pieces, dissolving and vanishing and becoming nothing.

Yippee!

“Nature is not a masochist. It’s loving.” ~ Byron Katie

“Refuse to think of yourself in terms of this or that. There is no other way out of misery, which you have created for yourself through blind acceptance without investigation. Suffering is a call for enquiry, all pain needs investigation. Don’t be too lazy to think.” ~ Nisargadatta

The adventure continues.

Much love, Grace

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Are You Afraid They Done You Wrong?

NightStormThinking

Have you ever awakened after sleeping, whether it’s morning or the middle of the night, with a feeling of dread or negative anticipation?

Probably.

Everyone has had a nightmare, or felt impending doom, or been nervous about an idea that crossed their mind….and everyone’s been surprised by someone else’s behavior.

But if you feel the looming dread, it’s pretty uncomfortable. Or downright debilitating. You might have images of that mean person who hurt you floating through your psyche. Maybe even from a very long time ago….so long, you hardly remember.

Even though the present moment is fine, you’re in a room sitting or lying there and nothing threatening is actually happening (usually the case when you wake up from a bad dream) you’ve got a feeling you can’t shake.

Fear.

The thing is, that fear or sense of being haunted feels like something visiting you. It affects you. Even if all that’s going on is you’re lying in your bed…..with thoughts.

So….what to do?

What I’m about to say won’t be that surprising.

Even though I know how to do The Work and question my thoughts….I don’t always sit down, take out my pen and paper, and start to investigate.

Instead, there’s a kind of built-in impulse.

It’s called Fight or Flight.

We perceive there is a dilemma, a threat. Something hurt us, or is about to hurt us. It hurt once, it could hurt again.

So we say “I’m gonna KILL that evil person who stabbed me in the back!!!” or we say “I will never, EVER put myself in that position again!!”

Attack or Run.

And there’s nothing wrong with you if that’s where your mind goes. It’s a very natural, innocent reaction to the fear.

So how can you get out of that reactive mode when you’re really overwhelmed, and you might not exactly WANT to do The Work in that frightened moment? Here’s a suggestion that’s worked really, really well for me, that might be helpful for you, too.

Grow the fear even bigger. 

Yes, you read that right.

Clearly define your nightmare, your most terrible fear, the WORST that could happen. What is most terrifying thing you’re nervous about, in that vision, in that feeling of dread?

This can be tricky….so here’s an example from my life. A situation where fear appeared in my mind and body in the night, after I got triggered during the day.

Several years ago, I open a letter I get from the state government where I live. I am a credentialed Certified Counselor and I get mail from the Department of Health from time to time. No big deal. I’m curious. Maybe it’s about my annual fee that’s almost due.

I start to read the letter.

My heart suddenly skips a beat and my stomach flips.

The letter says that someone has made an anonymous complaint about me indicating I haven’t REALLY graduated and don’t have a master’s degree. There are a few more bullet points, a couple of them sound really bonkers and weird, like a slightly crazy person wrote them.

Huh? What the ?

I know the statements in the letter aren’t true, not a single one. So that’s not the worrisome part.

My mind goes to who on earth would do such a thing? I can’t get off combing my mind for WHO.

Why? Who? Why? Who? What have I missed? Who did this? Why would someone want to do this? Or even think this?

That first night, I can’t sleep in the middle of the night after waking. I’m thinking about this situation.

I know I have to turn and face this fear, and understand it, instead of ruminating and perseverating over who or why this has happened….because none of that is going to help me. I learned that the hard way.

I start to write.

What is the WORST that could happen?

I see made-up visions.

Police cars screech in to my driveway, men with uniforms handcuff me and push my head down as I get crammed into a police car. I am rushed to jail somewhere and there’s a newspaper story about how terrible I am….even though they got the wrong person.

I can no longer work, I am shunned, I can’t earn money, people walk away from me like I smell. I’m all alone, destitute and abandoned. No place to live, I can’t support my kids. I have to get a job doing something I don’t even like, working 9-5.

What else?

There’s a person with some kind of demented personality disorder, or a paranoid sort, someone really freaky who is also obsessed with me or angry with me for some unknown reason, who is going to jump out of the bushes, or take me down in some sneaky very creepy way…..starting with this lie.

I picture the worst with painstaking detail, I let my mind have it’s total conniption fit.

My reputation destroyed, I owe money, my current career over, and a really messed up sick person out there trying to hurt me.

Now I can feel the pain in my heart in a huge way. I see what I imagine is the most awful thing.

I am all alone, hated, rejected.

I can investigate this terrible state of aloneness, hate, banishment, rejection….and really examine the truth of it.

Being alone and betrayed is hell. And it’s someone’s fault. Not mine.

Is it true?

Yes. I can’t survive it. I’m too sad, too hurt. I am a victim of someone’s sick behavior. It’s wrong. It’s hell.

Really?

Can you absolutely know that you can’t survive? Are you sure you’re in hell? Are you positive you’re alone, and betrayed, condemned, unsafe, lost, banished?

Are you completely positive you are a victim? That this is someone else’s fault?

Wow. No.

I’m not sure of anything here. All that happened is I opened a letter. I don’t have to know why, or who. I can stand here, noticing my reality is that I am in the world where tough things happen, people get upset and do harmful things, I am still alive and breathing.

Funny how quick to jump to the I’ve-Been-Done-Wrong story.

“Why do we need to constantly define our experience? Can we not just experience each moment, as it is. Without a story?….The mind is evolved to impose, manufacture, to dream order into existence. It’s an order-creating machine, and explanation machine. Why this, why that? It tries to create order out of infinity. But when it runs amuck, it tries to create order out of EVERYTHING. It becomes a cancer. Why is there suffering, why does God let this happen, why did you look at me that way? Why is this moment the way it is? You don’t know why. Simple.” ~ Adyashanti 

Who would I be without the belief that someone can hurt me? That I have been betrayed, falsely accused? That I’m in danger? That this MEANS I’m alone?

Without the belief that I’m a victim?

Holy Smokes.

What if I’m safe? What if I could notice that reality is kind, not dangerous? What if this is an invitation…to relax into this experience without defending, without attacking, without needing to explain. A moment to feel the joy of seeing it differently.

What if….

….this is my opportunity for spiritual growth, for true forgiveness? To let go, to open my hands and stay right here, without making a punching fist. To notice that nothing is actually wrong.

What if this is my chance to not think of myself as attacked, as a victim?

“When you approach the barrier areas of your thoughts and emotions, it feels like going into an abyss. You don’t want to go near that place. But you can go there, and if you want to get out, you will go there. Eventually you will realize that darkness is not what’s really there.” ~ Michael Singer

Turning the original terrified statement around: Being alone and betrayed is not hell, it is heaven. It is uplifting. It is an invitation, an initiation. I am not alone, I am not betrayed. I am totally and completely connected. I am supported and loved. Whoever did this could be suffering and feels alone, or betrayed, confused, doing the best they can.

I turn it all around to myself, only.

I have had an inner voice that’s been really quite brutal. It criticizes, judges, pushes. Listening to that mean voice, I have betrayed myself, I have shoved myself into the dark. I have banished me, hated and criticized me, attacked myself. I have lied about myself and said crazy whacked things about me that were not true. I have thought I might not be able to really help anyone, I have thought I’m not good enough, I’ve felt less than, small, powerless. I’ve cut myself down.

“Perception is but a mirror, not a fact. What I look on is my state of mind reflected outward.” ~ A Course In Miracles

If I am not a victim, I cannot be harmed. I cannot be banished. Or permanently hurt, or damaged forever, or crushed, or destroyed.

I notice that right now, in that fearful state then and as I write this, looking back and remembering that night when I was scared….

….the sun has come up, gone down, life went on, and the silence in the center of my heart and soul has never been broken.

Sleep happened.

Exciting to notice.

No matter what strange things have befallen you, no matter what pain and terror you have experienced, or what confusion other people have created in your life….can you feel what’s here that is empty and joyful all at once?

Even if it seems like you can’t feel it….just wait.

“If you want peace, you don’t talk to your friends. Talk to your enemies.” ~ Desmond Tutu

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you’d like to see a copy of my master’s degree and all accompanying official documents…they are on my website now for all the world to see (smile).

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What Do You Need Right Now? What Are You Thinking?

I was working with a wonderful client the other day. Before we got into her process of inquiry on someone she experienced as troubling, she asked me a question.

It made me think. In a really good way.

“Why are you focusing all your upcoming offerings on a Year of Inquiry program? I like individual sessions, or the eight week courses. A year is too long, I don’t know my schedule for a whole year ahead.”

What was awesome about it was then hearing from her why she liked the idea of the shorter groups, the 2 month focus on one topic, not a huge all-year commitment.

I love hearing from people what helps them when it comes to inquiry.

Different elements help, at different times, depending on your life circumstance.

I’d love to hear from you today. Hit reply to this Grace Note email and say anything or everything you want to share. Or if you want to be totally anonymous so you can say anything at all, clickHERE to answer only five questions in an online survey. I will only get all the answers and have no way of knowing who wrote to me.

When it comes to questioning your mind, what has been most useful? What came along at the right time in your life that even made you curious about self-inquiry or The Work? What makes you interested in this process of questioning painful thoughts?

It’s like….why bother with this at all? Why DO The Work? Why do it with the intention to do it for a year? Why do it even once? Why listen to someone else do it on youtube?

What is so dang interesting about asking and answering these questions?

I’ll tell you more about how it has been for me tomorrow.

In the meantime, thank you in advance for writing back to me. In many ways it helps me to know what works for you, what doesn’t work, what you’ve always wished for, what you’re waiting for, what your concerns are, what makes you hesitate or NOT do The Work whether by yourself, or in a group or class.

I happen to have a job that is totally strange, unplanned, unexpected and weird.

Apparently, part of my job is to assist people as best I can in finding their own solid ground about being alive for a temporary time on planet earth…..through unraveling their perceptions, mental blocks, worries, their destructive side of imagination, their suspicious relationship with reality.

I am supporting the end of stressful stories. Starting with my own.

All of them are actually my own.

If there is a “my” own and a “me” here to have a story.

But without getting too cosmic….I would love to know then how best I can support you. You can write me anything. Your concerns about taking classes, being on the phone vs live, the cost of things and paying money for any of this.

This is how we do it.

Together.

If I can be of service in any way, write to me and tell me how.

But even if you’re not a survey person and have no time for answering questions in writing….you can ask yourself today, in this moment you are reading this….

….What do I think I need right now, in order to be happy, joyful, at peace, or free?

Right Now.

Do I need to call someone I love? Do I need to rest? Do I need to wait on a decision, and meditate, or make a decision and go for it? Do I need to get up from the chair and keep my commitment? Do I need to identify what my story, or stressful thought, actually is, so I can question it? Do I need a supportive meeting? Do I need to stop, relax and surrender? Do I need to breathe deeply, stare into space, or get a drink of water? Do I need to go to the gym, or go outside?

Bottom line is, do you have access to this peace you seek, right now?

What’s preventing you from it?

Now THAT is a great question.

“Mindfulness is never about doing something perfectly, because it is not about doing or accomplishing at all. It is about allowing things to be as they are, resting in awareness, and then, taking appropriate action when called for. Silence, deep listening, and non-doing are often very appropriate responses in particularly trying moments — not a turning away at all, but an opening toward things with clarity and good will, even toward ourselves. Out of that awareness, trustworthy skillful responses and actions can arise naturally, and surprise us with their creativity and clarity.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

To answer a few questions here about your experience of self-inquiry, mindfulness, investigation of thoughts, click HERE. 

Much love and gratitude, Grace