Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Deciding Not To Fight Brings A Surprise

Yesterday August Summer Camp did some deep diving into a very common underlying stressful belief….

….they should include me. 

Yeah! That’s Right! They left me out! They don’t care about me!

It used to feel really painful to think this thought. Until I questioned it at a core level that cracked it apart, broke it down, and it dissolved away like water into sand.

It was a process, but what a fabulous, wonderful, sweet outcome.

Peace.

This seems to be true in every situation involving people, whether groups or individuals or family….anyone….

….and the feeling of being included.

If you’ve ever had the feeling you’re being left out, question it right now, today. Let’s see what happens!

There was that moment. He didn’t call to invite me to the party. She didn’t email me to include me in the meeting. They went out to celebrate without me. She canceled last minute to choose another activity without me. He never pursued resolving our differences in a conversation. She wouldn’t respond to my phone calls or emails. They fired me.

I’m not included. They don’t accept me. I did something wrong. This is terrible.

How do you react when you believe it’s true?

Scared. Like a little core pit of worry is inside my gut, anxious. Not sleeping. Angry. I deserve better! That person is ignoring me. They are mean, rotten, uncaring!

A swirl of chaos and terribly uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. I am a victim of their actions. A victim! Crying! Turning inward. Sad. Hurt.

Ouch.

So who would you be without the thought? What if someone didn’t call, didn’t email, skipped town, stopped showing up, withdrew, kicked you out, fired you, sent you away….

….and you couldn’t have the idea that this is a disaster? That you couldn’t think their actions are going to rule your life, night and day, until they come around to including you?

Oh.

“As you grow spiritually, you will realize that your attempts to protect yourself from your problems actually create more problems. If you attempt to arrange people, places, and things so they don’t disturb you, it will begin to feel like life is against you. You’ll feel that life is a struggle and that every day is heavy because you have to control and fight with everything…..The alternative is to decide not to fight with life.” ~ Michael Singer

What is the easiest way I have ever found not to fight with life?

Ask myself what is true….really. Get other people to ask me the questions. Stick with finding my own answers, no expectations, no plans for the outcome, no requirements.

Remove resistance to fear, through inquiring deeply.

Because when I inquire, when I look at what it is I am afraid of in every little exchange and interaction and event that happens in life, I am left with an openness, more gentleness, greater acceptance, far more unconditional love for whatever “I” am.

What the heck is so frightening about not being included?

Why, for me, it was simple. It would trigger the thoughts “I am not good enough, I’m stupid, I’m not worthy of being included, I’m not likable, I’m a failure, I am worthless, they’re right.”

Tricky little mind, but very innocent really.

It thinks that if I felt worthy, or good enough, or successful, or special, those people would start including me. So I get to work on myself with a vengeance….improving myself so diligently that no one will ever, ever leave me out again.

HONK. (Did you hear the big TIME OUT buzzer?)

What if you turned those frightening thoughts around?

They should NOT include or accept me…..I should accept THEM….I should accept myself, only myself, right in the middle of this situation where I believe I’m not being included.

Deep breath.

How could these turnarounds be as true, or truer? What are examples, really specific examples that you can see that actually feel right to you?

Many times, I tried on these turnarounds. They became easier and easier to find, the more I did The Work.

How is it an advantage for me that I was not accepted or included, in all those moments I used to believe I wasn’t?

I got left there standing, all by myself, and yet, not all by myself.

There was the air, the room, the couch, the phone, the books, the sky, the stars, the trees, the voices of other people, the furniture, the cement, the dirt, friends I could call, the rocks, the life pulsing with great strength and energy, most magnificent, in every moment, right here.

You notice how completely fine you are without being included or accepted, and how perhaps that person or that group of people were doing their job, dismissing you so you’d go just the way you needed to go, to be the most brilliant version of you possible.

Without you having to control anything, do anything, contend with anything, make anything happen, or fight anything.

Right now.

Feeling. Freedom.

Then you may find that one day, you notice after practicing inquiry and seeing who you would be without the belief there is something wrong…..that instead, there is something right.

Constantly.

“I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’d like to continue this journey, see where it goes, opening to Not Knowing all your difficulties and pain are insurmountable, but instead practicing joy as possible….

….join me for the wonderful journey of using everyday life and all it’s problems to fuel your adventure into joy.

Wow, how different. How un-believable.

Year of Inquiry begins the very first week of September. Early Bird discount is open right now, until August 16th. We’ll have a group of wonderful people, to assist you on your own adventure, together.

You don’t have to do this alone.

I hope you’ll join us!

Much love, Grace

 

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If You’re In A Hurry, Do The Work (YOI Early Bird Open!)

Work With Grace Year of Inquiry
YOI JOY with Grace Bell

Today is the day that early bird registration begins for Year of Inquiry, starting in September.

I am soooo excited! Because I love who shows up!!

We get together to do The Work of Byron Katie for an entire year, mostly in telesessions on the phone or skype, and two in-person retreats in Seattle.

Every month, a new topic: family of origin, complaining, money, the body, romance, sexuality, death. Twelve powerful topics and all their underlying beliefs, up for questioning.

Problem is, there are a few….

gaps, shall we say….

….between our stories, the way we see things, and entering deep inquiry.

The mind just loves those stories.

You want me to give up my terrible and wonderful stories about the world, what’s happened to me, and what could happen again in the future?

But HOW?

The first gap, or block, to shifting oneself out of believing painful thoughts is the very intense, perpetual and bottomless urge in the mind to get more information. More training, more research. More seeking. Like an ever-present attitude of hope that soon, you’ll get it or get there.

It’s not here yet, but I’ll hunt it down and get it. I’m getting closer!

A new retreat, a new teacher, a new guru, a new class, a new method, a graduate degree, a new book.

The mind LOVES that!

Then you discard the new once it’s become old, or you never really deeply access the power in it (for example doing The Work) and move on before you’ve really digested what it has to offer as a practice.

Oh, The Work is helpful, but…..SHINEY NEW OBJECT.

Heh heh. Not that I’d know anything about that.

The second key gap that keeps us immersed in stressful thinking (and feeling) and our ancient stories is the tendency for most of us to want to do it alone.

“No Thanks! I’ve studied enough! I’ve read all about that! I’ve done a mega-million retreats! I got it! Been there! Done that!”

We don’t want anyone to push us (very understandably) or boss us around, or scare us, or brainwash us, or bore us. Nor do we want to try something that winds up failing again.

So we just continue by ourselves, trying to do The Work, doing it in the car in our head, writing a worksheet every so often when we’re pretty upset, calling supportive and incredible people we know to talk, finding relief, but again never really reaching deeper understanding.

I notice as I’ve looked back on my life that every time I had a huge internal opening, a major shift…other people were involved.

I was connected, real, intimate, and exposed. Whether one-on-one or in a group….and the power of others gathered together was immense.

The third missing link or gap between the mind and reality is the uncanny ability for us to go unconsciousness. Not really our fault, simply the amazing power of the mind to bury feelings, avoid pain, whistle in the dark, or try to be “positive” without really accepting the “negative”.

It’s like we hate feeling bad so much, we’re willing to suppress and escape all upsetting feelings without looking at them directly.

Trouble is, it doesn’t work in the long run.

I used to over-eat as my primary way to try changing channels and avoid feeling what I was feeling about reality. I’ve dabbled in many other addictive behaviors as well including smoking, drinking, lusting, analyzing and working.

These are the biggest “mistakes” (there aren’t really any mistakes of course) people tend to practice that make them fizzle out or stay stuck in their uncomfortable beliefs about life and reality.

Like I said, I’ve been an expert in all three.

But in the past decade, I’ve learned to use the process of The Work as a deep practice, like meditation, and it’s profoundly changed my entire life, and what I think and believe about almost everything.

My world is so much more fresh, sweet, peaceful and slowed-down in comparison to my previous perceptions of the world as dangerous, dark and unpredictable.

With all these gaps so evident in the nature of mind and what we’re all dealing with here…I knew what could be awesome for the people I worked with is gathering together for an entire year—a significant period of time spanning every season—because I had seen it work so well for me.

That’s what Year of Inquiry is created for. It closes in on those biggest gaps. What you do is:

  • Relax the urge to seek MORE because you’re not “there” yet
  • put yourself in a group of wonderful people who support your journey
  • STAY…even if you feel uncomfortable, even as you remember a troubling situation. You turn and look directly at what you’re thinking when you feel bad.

Like any athlete going to the Olympics….you practice. Get support. Receive facilitation. Stay present. Love the journey.

I can tell you this….it’s so much fun to close those gaps.

So how does YOI actually happen?

There’s a Tuesday morning 9 am group (all groups Pacific time) and a Thursday afternoon 4:30 pm. There will be a third group on Fridays at 9 am if there are enough interested people.

All telesessions last 90 minutes.

Then, oh fabulous, we gather together in person Sept 19-21, 2014 and May 13-17, 2015 to do The Work together. We laugh, connect, get very honest and real, and get very deep into our inquiry. You are not alone.

You can join telesessions only, but many people report that the in-person retreats are absolutely awesome. We meet in Seattle.

I get very excited to work with whomever can make it live.

So here’s the deal….

You’ve got the early bird special if you sign up by August 16th.

Full Program for the entire year by August 16: $4497

Telesessions only for the entire year by August 16: $1697

After August 16: $4997 if paid in full before September 3, 2014.

After August 16: $1997 if paid in full before September 3, 2014.

Payment Plans are definitely available, more about those very soon (or email grace@workwithgrace.com for more information).

You have 60 days to test it out YOI and make sure it’s right for you.

Click this link and head over to Year of Inquiry to sign up. Be sure to fill out this short application form so I get to know you better and put you on the list.

Journey Through Mind Together, Holding Hands
“I signed up for YOI because I wanted to practice the work on a regular basis with like-minded individuals, a cocoon, so to speak. I was wanting more peace around stressful issues that hadn’t even happened to me yet, let alone the ones that had! I met such incredible people from all over the planet! I love that I can Skype with someone in England, and hear about someone’s stressful life events over the course of  a year and how the Work helped them through it.  I especially loved the retreats, putting a face with a voice and thoughts. I loved the popcorn style inquiry, and I loved the month-by-month topics, seemed to hit all the buttons. I would tell anyone interested in YOI that it’s a beautiful journey through our minds, holding hands tightly!” ~ YOI Participant

Click here if you’re ready to sign up, or read more. I can’t wait to see the wonderful group that is formed and dive into a year of investigation, support, and enlightenment together.

What an adventure.

“If you’re in a hurry, do The Work.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

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When You’re Nervous About An Upcoming Event


There will be room in August Summer Camp if you’re looking to dial-in and connect to your own answers, by listening to and answering powerful questions known as The Work of Byron Katie.

You get to look at a stressful situation in your life, write out your stressful thoughts about it, and then examine your beliefs and thought-patterns more closely.

The group support is immensely helpful for many.

You aren’t alone!

Click here, register (it’s only $97 for the whole month, you can call in to any of the appointed 90-minute telesession times) and I will send you all the information you need via email to dial-in and join our August camp.

Telesession times: 8/4, 8/5, 8/14, 8/18, 8/19, 8/28. I bet I’ll add at least one session for all those who join 🙂

*****

The other day, I was reminded of how funny our beliefs are when it comes to anticipating people, or events, that are about to happen.

You get invited to something….a party, a meeting, a group, a class, a teleconference, a meal, a date, a meetup, a support group, a dance, a workshop.

You have to find the address, notice what time you need to leave your home, and get yourself to the location.

Even if it sounded pretty good when you were first invited, on the way there you may be having a few thoughts.

  • I probably won’t like the people. They’ll be too serious, stuffy, uptight, young, corporate, touchy-feely, left wing, right wing, religious, liberal, conservative, shy, uneducated, pompous, old, radical, rich, feeble, blabber-mouthed, needy, poor, woowoo, aggressive, boring, messed up
  • I won’t fit in
  • this could be a waste of time
  • I’d rather be _________
  • I’ll get lost in the crowd
  • there will be too few people (so they’ll make me talk)
  • why did I say yes?
If you believe your thoughts, and think your visions are truly risky….

 

….like the one where a bunch of weirdos are trying to get you to join their cult….

 

….you might turn around and go back home.

 

It’s great if you catch yourself having this fantasizing fit.

 

Because you KNOW it isn’t even true. There is no way you can know what will happen at that upcoming thing you’re going to.

 

You can speculate, you can try to guess, you can analyze it from every angle, but you will not know.
 
You’re asking your own mind to do this impossible. Predict the future. Keep you safe. Prevent bad things from happening.

 

Except.

 

About that idea of “bad” things happening.

 

If you do The Work, and ask yourself the four questions about any of these worries, you may be pleasantly surprised about how anticipation of future events or possibility can change.

 

So let’s go!

 

Make yourself comfortable.
Imagine that future event you’ve got scheduled, and you feel a little fuzzy, off, anxious, buzzy, or annoyed about it.

 

It has to go the way you really want, in order for you to be totally happy. It’s possible for it to go badly.

 

Is that true?
Yes. I’ve been to stupid things before. So annoying! Or creepy!
Like that time the moonies invited me to dinner when I was 18. I didn’t know they were the moonies. That weird meatless broth. So many people living in one house.
But can you absolutely know it’s true that something has to go your way? Are you sure you can’t be happy if it doesn’t? Are you positive it COULD go badly?
Are you sure you wouldn’t be safe? Or get yourself to solid ground? Or take care of yourself as best you could?
Well. People get kidnapped. Or trapped by lousy conversation. Or stalked. Or tricked. Or conned. Right?
You may have heard terrible, horrifying stories. But what about your own actual experience…..
…..have you always made it out alive, so far?
Who would you be without the belief that it could go wrong, whatever you’ve go on your calendar for next week, for the future?
Woah. That’s a big, huge, wild, open question.
But such an exciting one.
It doesn’t mean you walk across a freeway without looking both ways, it doesn’t mean you don’t take in all the information you receive carefully and responsibly.
You take note of what comes to you and feel if it’s a yes or no, or an “I don’t know”, without fear.
Turning the thoughts around: it is not possible for it to go badly, it does NOT have to go the way I want in order for me to be happy.
 
Could I be happy, without any expectations of the way it’s going?
I can connect to my awareness, with kind, sweet attention. I can take care of myself with the greatest affection and love.
This means I might get up and leave, if I do.
And oh what an adventure all the coming and going is!
Even if you have experienced what felt to be a terrible mistake, a trap, a difficulty, a rotten party, a lousy class, a boring meeting…..could whatever comes along be a new learning, a fascinating journey?
Could it be you are ultimately safe?
At least, I notice I’ve made it so far in this physical body.
“In the future, you could suffer….is that true? You get to see it all, those images, and then you get to live it out. Fear is driving you. But who would you be without that thought? This moment is all there is. I can promise you, it’s all there ever will be. This moment. Are you OK? You’re standing in your future. Remember when you were worried that you would suffer in the future? Well, here it is! How are you doing?! THIS is the only moment there is. Everything else is imagination.” ~ Byron Katie
 
Could it be that all those thoughts about other people and what they’ll do are not real? All imagination?

 

Oh. Now that’s not very scary.
  • I will like the people. They’ll be fabulous.
  • I will fit right in
  • this could be a fantastic use of time
  • there’s nothing I’d rather be doing
  • I’ll get found in the crowd
  • there will be just the right number of people (I’ll get to talk)
  • I’m so happy I said yes
“Once you realize that all comes from within, that the world in which you live has not been projected onto you but by you, your fear comes to an end…….Pain and pleasure, good and bad, right and wrong: these are relative terms and must not be taken absolutely. They are limited and temporary.” ~ Nisargadatta

Much love, Grace

P.S. Almost early registration time for Year of Inquiry. To read about it, click HERE. To sample what the telesessions are like, consider joining August Summer Camp! Would love to meet you.

 

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No Suppression, No Aggression, No Suffering

It is truly incredible to me the power of some stories (especially one I’m going to mention today experienced by moi), and how deep they run and how intensely they stick.

Especially if they haven’t been seen in the light but stay down in the underworld, half hidden from consciousness.

Today I’m talkin’ about the Story of Nicey-Nice and it’s flip sided neighbor Argh-Aggressive.

What is up with that auto-pilot Be Nice and Seethe Inside thing?

Here’s what I mean by auto-pilot.

A few examples:

Person starts talking to me. They talk, talk and talk some more about their terrible aunt who is evil. It’s the fifth or tenth time I’ve heard about the aunt. The story is the same. I remain quiet, even though my stomach hurts. I do not say “you know, I’ve heard you speak about this so often, I don’t ever want to hear it again, you complaining ninny.”

Person asks if they can enroll in the program I’m teaching for free. I don’t let them know that it actually cost me, then, to have them in the program. I would be paying for them. I say yes, even though I don’t feel good or right about it.

Person sends me gifts in the mail, leaves presents for me in my car, drops items for me into my bag at work. I don’t say “what’s with the gift-giving slightly stalker weirdness, can you please stop?”

Person tells me I’m unfriendly because I don’t smile at her and say hello in the morning. I don’t want to, I just want to focus on the project I’m hired to work on. I don’t tell her “I won’t be doing that.” I say “hi” for awhile but then give up.

Person asks me if I want to go on a boat ride with him and his dog. That sounds horrible. I don’t say “no, I get seasick and I’m not that into pets”. I feel guilty for not being into pets. I don’t answer his emails.

Person starts showing me their photos of their vacation and there are about 5000 of them. All landscapes. I don’t say “I’ve seen enough, thanks.” I keep looking and nodding but thinking when the hell will this be over.

Person asks me to teach them everything I know about marketing and promoting and growing my business over lunch. I think about the thousands of dollars I’ve invested in learning what I know for the past three years and how huge this request is. I say “sure, we can do that sometime” but I won’t ever do that.

You get the picture.

And then the worst situations for me when I’ve been Not Authentic, shall we say, have been with men on dates, in relationships, when sexual encounters were a possibility, or underway.

There’s a moment.

The feeling that I want to go more slowly, or stop, or that I don’t like something is clear. But I never spoke up!

Today, before the Sexuality class began, I was reading over the curriculum (which is awesome, by the way). I loved zoning in on this way of being, and looking again carefully, without hacking myself to bits for having done it.

The way I used to be, I frequently said nothing in situations where I felt conflict or concern.

After doing The Work on a few of these more intense situations…

…I realized that I wanted the person who did something objectionable (in my opinion) to change so that I could be more comfortable.

Otherwise, I might have to speak up, tell the truth about myself in that moment. Horror of horrors.

The truth that was “I don’t like that! No thank you! Stop! Ewww! Really? I feel afraid, I’m angry.”

I had great fear that if I did speak up, the person to whom I was speaking might feel hurt, and then hurt me back, and then I’d feel hurt.

So let’s question that thought today. The idea that it might be safer to keep quiet, or safer to speak up, and uncertainty about both.

Is that true that it’s safer to keep quiet? Or safer to speak up?

Rats. I don’t know. Wait. Yes. I actually do think this is true. It feels safer to keep quiet. Yes. But I should speak up, dang it. Help! I don’t know!

How do you react when you believe NOT telling someone to stop, or that you don’t like what’s happening, is easier and safer? How about when you believe it’s better to sock-it-to-em and tell it like it is?

I’m nervous, agonizing over right and wrong. I’m terrified.

Who would you be without the belief that speaking up is better…or keeping your opinion to yourself is safer? Without the belief that either one is right or wrong?

I’d relax and trust more. I wouldn’t be so suspicious of what’s going to happen in five minutes, or tomorrow.

Wow. There would be no future.

I’d say what I really think, with a sense of clarity, even love.

I wouldn’t believe I have to put up with things, allow things to happen without saying how I feel. I wouldn’t think I have to scream to be protected. I’d honor myself, as well as the other people. It would be exciting!

Turning the thought around: Telling the truth is safer. 

It saves a whole lot of time.

I think of how many relationships dragged on and on in a certain unsatisfying way because I didn’t tell the truth. Like I was clinging to being likable, and avoiding hurt.

What if instead I stepped out on the ice and skated, being freely who I am, and THEN saw who showed up to play with me?

That sounds much more fun, much more real. It’s more solid, genuine, deep, kind, loving.

I’d notice how much I love honesty and clarity from others, whether they are more soft-spoken or direct. I notice how openness, calm, kindness and sharpness are all beautiful elements of great conversation.

And I love myself when I’m honest with ME, not trying to pretend I like stuff I don’t like. That’s the most important of all.

“To discover our autonomy is the most challenging thing a human being can do. Because in order to discover our autonomy, we must be free from all external control or influence. This means that we must free our mind from all that it has collected, all that it clings to, all that it depends on.” ~ Adyashanti

I find there is a place beyond all turnarounds, where there is no concern for safety, but no urgency….a sort of waiting, maybe a true silence, that is deeply genuine.

Real feelings coming up in the moment. Feelings that say “get away from me” or “be quiet” or “no I don’t buy you begging me to help you mediate your arguments with other people” or “slow down” or “I’m leaving” or “quit bossing me”.

But falling back, not being silent because you’re so terrified of being disliked or hateful, but instead relaxing with the sensations….this goes beyond all strategies for what-to-do next.

“Patience has a lot to do with getting smart at that point and just waiting: not speaking or doing anything. On the other hand, it also means being completely and totally honest with yourself about the fact that you’re furious. You’re not suppressing anything–patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself….This suggests the fearlessness that goes with patience. If you practice the kind of patience that leads to the de-escalation of aggression and the cessation of suffering, you will be cultivating enormous courage.” ~ Pema Chodron 

There is no safer. It’s an illusion.

Just be you, without any requirement to fix, help, appease, diminish, change, switch, improve you or anyone else.

Now that’s a wonderful practice. We can call it Beyond Safety.

Beyond Nicey-Nice and Argh-Aggressive and all that flip-flopping.

I notice that in this realm, there is no forever suffering.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. August Summer Camp For The Mind starts next week. Only $97 to join with other inquirers this final month of summer to question your thinking and change your world. Sign up this weekend.

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If They’re Responsible For Your Pain, The “V” Word (Ouch)

Today we begin the class Our Wonderful Sexuality: doing The Work on the beliefs we have that create stress, loss, jealousy, pain, anger, sadness or lack of freedom in our lives.

There is room in the class. If you’ve been wanting to talk about sex, your ideas, the rules, your questions, your concerns, in a safe, clear environment….

….then join us right now. It’s awesome.

Just like the Money class that started Monday, I won’t be teaching it for quite awhile as my direction will be towards the exciting Year of Inquiry starting in September.

It’s yet another avenue for the deepest spiritual freedom, this hush-hush topic of sexuality. To be free to be yourself, whatever that looks and feels like, is deeply joyful.

But even without a class…you can start looking at this topic right now. I’ll share with you how you can start unraveling and changing your experience of love relationship and touch, and lightening up.

It starts with memories.

It’s the way you do it with anything you’re inquiring into, really, using The Work of Byron Katie.

A situation occurs….and then there is the memory of it. There is a reaction. Maybe right away, maybe in a few hours, maybe a few years later. The mind starts formulating what it meant, especially if it was painful. And putting it on replay.

Endless replay. Good grief. Can’t we just forget about that gross thing that happened? Or that disappointment?

The mind then projects quicker than lightening into the future that it never wants to experience this bad situation again.

When it comes to sexuality or sexual behavior, people sometimes have moments that are not that great, unfortunately.

What is supposed to be fun, adventurous, easy and loving is embarrassing, dark, addictive, sad, disappointing or violent.

If you’re ready to look closely, here’s what you can do.

First, make a list of your troubling memories.

That time you were ten and you learned…That time you were fifteen and the boy kissed you and then….That time you found out….That situation when you expected this but you got that….That time you were shocked and scared….That time she said this, and he did that…

Then pick only one situation that was particularly upsetting. Hold that situation clearly in your mind, and write down the answers to these questions (you can find the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet at www.thework.com):

  1. why were you upset?
  2. how do you want that person(s) who bothered you to change in that situation?
  3. what should have happened? what shouldn’t have happened?
  4. what did you need from that person in order to be happy, instead of upset?
  5. describe what you see when you look at that person or those people in that memory
  6. what do you never, ever want to have happen again in this situation?

When you carefully consider these questions, and answer them, you have in front of you, on paper, your objections, your discomfort, your resistance, your irritation.

Doing The Work on that situation doesn’t mean the experience changes, because it happened already.

But it does mean you may be able to discover a center of peace within yourself, no matter what happened to you in the past.

That’s a very, very valuable thing. Maybe the most valuable thing in life.

“Remember, if you close around something, you will be psychologically sensitive about that subject for the rest of your life. Because you stored it inside of you, you will be afraid that it will happen again. But if you relax instead of closing, it will work its way through you. If you stay open, the blocked energy inside of you will release naturally, and you will not take on any more.” ~ Michael Singer

The very act of doing The Work, walking slowly but surely through the four questions and finding turnarounds, is an act of courage and an intention to open your mind to great change.

To see what happened and feel resolved about it. So YOU can be happy.

It works, if you answer the four questions.

The most amazing troubled experiences can be put in their place forever….

….in the past.

They are over.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Ready to find freedom from your beliefs when it comes to physical contact with others? Need support in doing it?

Sign up to meet for 8 weeks. You’ll be glad you did.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Drop Money Pursuits, Discover Silence

In a few hours, a group will begin our work together investigating money beliefs for 8 weeks. As of this moment there are two spots open. Reply back to this email if you want to join us.

As I prepared for this new class, I found such a great letter from a participant last year. I shared it yesterday, but wanted to share it again…because it inspired ME just to re-read it.

From Obsessive Torture to Infinite Support Everywhere

“Can I really take a class on earning money and have the tortures of my obsessive thinking about it let go, even a little? Eight weeks later, the answer turns out to be, yes! What I am taking away from our work together, is that my source of support does not come from black scratchings on a piece of bank statement paper. My bed rock of support is already here, within and without, all around me. Thanks Grace for the thought provoking questions, blog posts and your own findings throughout the class.” ~ Money Class Participant 2013

The thing is, support comes from what is around us and permeating our environment, always. It’s hard for the mind to see this and get a grip.

Especially if it feels threatened.

But really, we’re surrounded by support with everything, whether money, love, a relationship, your job, your home, people hurting you or lashing out, a change of events that seems difficult.

There is air to breathe, a ground to stand on, the sun comes up and there is light, then there is a dark quiet night for resting and silence. There is gravity, you’re connected to the planet, other people (even strangers) walking around, people who can communicate with you. There is food to eat, water to drink (usually).

It’s astonishing what can be available to us when we do inquiry.

When it comes to money, it can seem so confusing. Same with sex too (that class starts on Wednesday, by the way, same time 9 am).

We’re taught that lots of it is a very good thing, but don’t get carried away or irresponsible or stupid about it. You have to be careful. Bad things can happen if you get too much.

You become egotistical, arrogant, all-powerful, exclusive.

If you’re not sure what terrible things can happen if you get too much money (or sex) then just think about a really, really wealthy person and see if there’s anything you dislike about them.

If you like them, then see what you’re worried about happening to that person because of their wealth, or what you’re jealous about if you are. Whatever divides you is the key.

I realized only a short time ago that I had a whole story going about great leaders or spiritual teachers, if they become wealthy and financially viable and strong with big incomes and big businesses, they will forget all about others. They won’t care about the “little” people anymore. They might even find metiresome and they’ll be too busy.

I realized as soon as that idea flitted through my head….I needed The Work.

Heck, the belief could even apply to regular friends. If they become super successful financially, they’ll ditch me.

Rats. My abandonment story again.

Is it true?

Hmmm. Yes. They’d want to go around the world on trips and I wouldn’t be able to join them due to the cost and my responsibilities at home. They’ll want to go out to fancy places. They’ll get too dressed up. They’ll be more interested in all that fun, exciting stuff than me.

How do you react when you believe this kind of thought about money or getting things you desire?

Weird. Like it’s special. Like there’s a gateway someplace through a door into an inner “special” temple. Everyone outside the temple worries or wants to get in. Everyone inside has fun.

Yuck.

Who would you be without the belief that those people with tons of money, success, wealth, or even sex wouldn’t want to hang out with you?

Wow. So much less separation.

No boundaries, in a good way. I might go to places that are for the wealthy and just sit and look around. I’d breathe. I could go to places where there is poverty, and just sit and look around. And breathe.

I notice the kindness hanging out with the homeless guys on a bench (seriously). I notice the kindness of the hostess of the wedding shower who lives in the spectacular Seattle condo. The amazing way people are.

It has nothing to do with me. I show up in every situation and am a part of a huge variety that is practically infinite on the scale of wealth and poverty.

I am soooo lucky. What an amazing life.

Without beliefs about money, poor, rich, I just see colors, sensations, smells, pictures without judgment, without fear or like I know what they mean.

I notice it’s much, much easier to live this way when it comes to money. When it comes to everything.

“I used to believe that I needed money to be happy. Even when I had a lot, I was often sick with the fear that something terrible would happen and I would lose it. I realize now that no amount of money is worth that kind of stress.” ~ Byron Katie

“You are always seeking pleasure, avoiding pain, always after happiness and peace. Don’t you see that it is your very search for happiness that makes you feel miserable? Try another way: indifferent to pain and pleasure, neither asking, nor refusing, give all your attention to the level on which ‘I am’ is timelessly present. Soon you will realize that peace and happiness are in your very nature and it is only seeking them through some particular channels, that disturbs.” ~ Nisargadatta

Turning this particular chapter of the money story around, I think about those wealthy successful leaders or teachers and what I imagine could happen with them.

Maybe I am really thinking these turnarounds: If I become wealthy and financially viable and strong with big income and big business, people I love will forget all about me. Maybe I would forget all about myself, my own inner journey and life. The ‘I am’, the silence.

Maybe I’m afraid I myself wouldn’t care about the “little” people anymore. Maybe I wouldn’t care about myself anymore. I might find everyone, rich and poor, tiresome. I might find my mind too busy, full of thinking, thinking, thinking.

I rest with this awareness, coming back into myself and remembering how temporary all this life is, and how the greatest wonder of all wonders is in the center here, inside, in silence.

“The confusion and frustration come from the last remnants of the addictive seeker, still looking for something else to happen….a little voice that asks ‘What’s next?’ This voice is still the addict talking. It’s the seeker.” ~ Scott Kiloby

If you’d like some rest when it comes to thoughts about money, join me to take a look.

If it’s sexuality and sexual “needs” you think you have…we’ll start on Wednesday.

Still room as of this moment in both classes. Reply back to this email for more information or to get registered.

And meanwhile, even if you don’t ever take a class….relax, relax, relax.

That’s all you really need to do.

Much love, Grace

 

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Expand Your Money Love Story

One of the most helpful things in the world for me, in my life’s journey at a deep level, has been joining with other people to learn and practice.

Even though when it comes down to it, you have to actually travel the path yourself. If you’re ever had the thought that you get a little anxious, or concerned, or frustrated, or terrified about money….

….and you’re not even sure what you’re thinking that produces this reaction…. .

…a great way to find out more clearly is to take the teleclass Money: Loving This Story which starts tomorrow, Mondays, a 9 am Pacific Time.

Money means so much, it seems. Security, safety, opportunity, independence, freedom, power, change, detachment, adventure, excitement.

I use money, and do something with it, and I’ll get to have these feelings, these experiences. But what if you could unhook from the story of money, where you need it to feel better, or secure, or good?

What if instead of feeling frightened or controlled by a story about money that feels upsetting or distrusting, you knew your thoughts about money could be questioned when they are disturbing?

That’s what we’ll be cracking into in these two months ahead. When we’re all on the phone together, you get to hear other peoples’ thoughts and concerns about money….

….people with money, people who owe money, people without money, the ways you think you get money and receive money, what you “have” to do for money.

It’s very enlightening. It takes practice. You get to catch those speedy thoughts that zoom by so fast, they are practically unconscious.

You get to really see those moments that feel painful about money and where it’s going and what it’s doing, and what that means about YOU.

I’d love to have you join me tomorrow and begin to get this money thing sorted out. Together we can hear each other’s stories, drill into the specific situations that create trouble or concern, and question our beliefs and turn them around to the opposite.

Click HERE to sign up. Write me if you have questions. I probably won’t be offering this course for awhile since I’ll be busy with the new Year of Inquiry groups beginning in September (we get into Money pretty deeply in our fifth month together of YOI).

I’ll send out all the info you need this evening to dial-in tomorrow morning and make your money story joyful!

From Obsessive Torturous Thinking to Infinite Support Everywhere

“Can I really take a class on earning money and have the tortures of my obsessive thinking about it let go, even a little? Eight weeks later, the answer turns out to be, yes! What I am taking away from our work together, is that my source of support does not come from black scratchings on a piece of (bank statement) paper. My bed rock of support is already here, within and without, all around me. Thanks for the thought provoking questions, blog posts and your own findings throughout the class.” ~ Money Class Participant 2013

Much love, Grace

 

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Question Your Beliefs About Two Big No-No’s

Oh boy. Next week, I get to start investigating two of my favorite topics.

Money and Sex.

Wait. Did I say “favorite” topics?

It’s still kind of embarrassing to even mention them. Especially in spiritual work, or self-inquiry, or worlds that are far more important than these mundane arenas where people get crazy.

So, so, so….of this world.

Of this body. Desire. Grabby. Ridiculous.

Ewww. Please. 

But before you delete this Grace Note today, let’s just say that these topics may be highly worthy of taking a look at, and that your thoughts about them may be related to your thoughts about love, God, life, yourself, and this universe.

If you wrote out all your stressful, troubling, disruptive beliefs about money and sex, what would they be?

  • I don’t have enough
  • those other people have too much
  • those other people are gross
  • it takes too much work, or compromise, to really enjoy it
  • I can’t be free and have lots of it in my life
  • if I had more, I would be free, happy, thrilled
  • there are right and wrong ways to have it
  • that person won’t give me what I want, withholds
  • that other person wants too much, or demands too much
  • I am left out
  • I am incapable of getting it, there’s something wrong with me

Am I talking about money, or sex, with this list?

Well it could be either one or both, of course, you’re no dummy.

These are global beliefs, sometimes deeply painful and confusing. They show up when we make exchanges with other humans, or want to. With the ways we make trades.

If you notice you’re nervous or disappointed around either money, or sex, or both….you’re probably not alone.

Instead of trying to DO something about your “problem”…..how about doing The Work?

Let’s start with one of the most common beliefs about money or sex that I hear all the time in working with people: more is better, less is worse. 

Is it true?

Well, it appears to be true in the movies. It seems like good feelings, ecstatic feelings, come from having more. And sad, empty, or frightened feelings come from having less.

Are you sure?

No.

How do you react when you believe the thought that more is better, less is worse?

So dang grabby, like a hunter stalking the planet. Restless, pushy, planning, hoarding, suspicious, sick stomach, hopeless, wretched, ugly, giving up, resigned.

Mad at other people who have the same ideas as me.

But who would you be without this belief even entering your mind that more is better, less is worse? What if you just couldn’t even see that, couldn’t even have that idea?

Present. Now.

Aware of the absurdity of more, or less. No comparison.

“We think that because Jesus and Buddha wore robes and owned nothing, that’s how freedom is supposed to look. But can you live a normal life and be free? Can you do it from here, right now? That’s what I want for you. We have the same desire: your freedom….Whenever you think that your needs are not being met, you’re telling the story of a future.” ~ Byron Katie

Turn your thoughts around about money and sex.

You may enjoy both without all the angst, conditions, demands, or grabbing. You don’t have to be against or for either one.

Now here’s the best part of all.

If you write down your stressful beliefs about money and/or sex, get them all out on paper, and then turn them all around, or insert “life” or “love” into your concepts instead of money or sex, you may get a big surprise about your relationship with life, the universe….with YOU.

Could it be that what you believe about money or sex is what you believe about yourself, or God? Check and see.

  • I don’t have enough life, love…I am not enough
  • those other people have too much…not me
  • those other people are gross…not me
  • it takes too much work, or compromise, to really enjoy life, to really enjoy this world, to really enjoy myself
  • I can’t be free and have lots of love, or God, in my life
  • if I had more love, God, life, I would be free, happy, thrilled (but it’s not here now, I’m sure of it)
  • there are right and wrong ways to experience life
  • God won’t give me what I want, withholds (or is it me not giving myself what I want)?
  • I don’t want or demand enough
  • I am never, ever left out
  • I am capable, there’s something totally right with me

I’m facilitating a small group through an 8 week teleclass on Money starting on Monday at 9 am Pacific. Then Our Wonderful Sexuality begins on Wednesday at 9 am Pacific. Exercises will help you drill into what you’re thinking, if you feel conflict or worry, and free yourself from your own demands, rules, beliefs.

Your beliefs, your inquiry, your answers.

The insights you discover may shift your experience of not only money or sex, but of the world. You never know.

“Over time I began to see how delicate and challenging it was for most seekers to find the courage to question any and all ideas and beliefs about the true nature of themselves, the world, others, and even enlightenment itself. In almost every person, every religion, every group, every teaching and every teacher, there are ideas, beliefs, and assumptions that are overtly or covertly not open to question. Often these unquestioned beliefs hide superstitions which are protecting something which is untrue, contradictory, or being used as justification for behavior which is a less than enlightened.” ~ Adyashanti

“Something new for me, since exploring in this class is, my openness to new ideas.  And the honest conversations I’ve been having with friends, outside of the class & the work.  I’m so relaxed.” ~ Our Wonderful Sexuality class participant 2013

“I would like to thank you all. I’m learning too very much from this class. I’m “growing” everyday more and more.” ~ Money: I Love This Story class 2012

“I wanted to say that I have received so much depth, healing and growth from this class. I am grateful to everyone who is a part of it.” ~ Our Wonderful Sexualty class 2013

If you’re thinking about it, come on board, I’d love to have you. I’ll send you the information and you’ll be dialing in with us, either with your phone or skype (your choice) this coming week.

Time to inquire, and change your world?

Much love, Grace

 

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I Am Willing, I Look Forward To That Dreadful Thing

When I was in my small group spiritual sangha in California not long ago, we were all laughing around the dinner table one night.

One of my wonderful friends in our group told us about Grumpy Cat.

Who at this table has heard of Grumpy Cat?

No one.

He got his phone and looked up Grumpy Cat photos. We were all laughing uproariously at photos of Grumpy Cat with little slogans written across them.

Grumpy Cat doesn’t mince words. He’s not getting fooled. Grumpy Cat is street wise, no-nonsense, straight up. He’ll say whatever he damn well pleases, he does not think he needs to be polite to keep you happy.

For some reason….I just about fell over, unable to stop laughing, at one particular message from Grumpy Cat:

Whatever doesn’t kill you….

….will hopefully try again.

Everyone else was pretty much done laughing, but I would think of it and start cracking up again.

Something about it summarizes the Turnaround to Number Six, as it’s called in those of us who do The Work.

Number Six refers to the place in your mind, and on your worksheet, where you write down what you firmly believe you never, ever want to experience again in this lifetime. A circumstance, a situation that was devastating perhaps. Something crushing. Something frightening.

And then you turn that around, and try it on, even if you gasp at how weird or strange it feels.

This is what it looks like (its different from the other regular turnarounds in The Work).

For example: I don’t ever want to get cancer again, ever ever ever.

The first turnaround to this concept is ‘I am willing to get cancer again’.

What if that was OK with you? I notice cancer doesn’t exactly ask our permission. Could there be anything at all interesting about being willing to get cancer again?

I know for me, it’s a huge relief. It’s almost funny. The war against cancer is basically completely over, in that sentence. And it feels good. Not so frightening.

It’s not about resignation or pretending, but I can put away the positive affirmations list, or the efforts to make sure it never comes back. Those can get pretty crazy stressful.

Then, the final step, the second turnaround to this kind of concept: ‘I look forward to getting cancer again’. 

OMG! How could that be true? NEVER!

Just think about it though. What if you had the attitude of welcoming in everything, including this thing called cancer. What if you started watching for examples of what it brought you, that you could use more of?

Mine brought me love, tenderness from other people, incredible kindness, not worrying about piddly minor details of life, very alive in the present, a love for my mom, sisters, kids, former husband, friends, the air, the sky, my living room, my blue silky pajamas.

I realized how much I loved this world (after spending a lot of time hating it, quite honestly) and wanted to keep going in that direction.

That’s why that saying by Grumpy Cat is so freakin’ funny: what doesn’t kill you will hopefully try again.

OK then. That’s a life to laugh in, not a terrified one. Bring it on…what do I know? Not much.

Thanks, Grumpy Cat.

When I returned home, I asked my 17 year old daughter (one of my primary spiritual teachers) if she had heard of Grumpy Cat?

She looked at me like I came from another planet.

“That’s so 2007, mom. Gawd how stupid.” 

I am willing to be seen as a complete moron by my teenager. I look forward to being seen as a complete moron by my teenager.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Resistance Doesn’t Change That It Happened

When someone I love suffers, whether a client, someone in my family, a dear friend…I sometimes feel great grief.

I am with a loving human being, who is doing their best….and they have just found out their son has cancer, their husband has been racking up secret addiction debt, their aunt has sold the family heirloom behind everyone’s back, their best friend has been making up stories about them due to jealous madness.

The loss is gut-wrenching.

The person sobs, or feels frantic, stunned, ruined.

One of the most powerful things about The Work is the way you can stop and look at the nature of reality, the way you are seeing it in every moment.

The Work is not some kind of mind-game, although it may feel heavy with thought, with energy in the brain, in the head, with ideas and images and voices talking to us….while the body is reacting in fear, terror, sadness, desperation.

The Work is four questions. Good questions.

Not magical, twisty, special, secret questions….simply four powerful questions worthy of asking yourself if your mind is spinning, and you notice your thoughts and your body are reacting….even in the most dire situations.

So if you have a terrible situation occurring in your life, or something that occurred in the past that is truly frightening…

….stop for a moment. Breathe deeply.

It is 100% horrible. You are not safe. You can’t bear it. You won’t make it through this emotionally. There is nothing good that could come of this.

Is it true?

I once sat with a woman who was in a car crash. She was the driver.

Her family had gone to Disneyland for a long-awaited vacation. She and her husband had planned for months. Her two daughters each were allowed to bring a good friend. They traded off driving from the midwest all the way to Los Angeles and had a spectacular time.

On the way back, a malfunction in their SUV. In the middle of wide open plains, no other traffic in site, the entire vehicle flipped off the highway.

Her husband was killed, one daughter, and the other daughter’s best friend. Everyone on one side of the van, instantly killed.

What I learned from that courageous woman, as she answered the four questions, was that even this was handle-able.

“If something happens that we don’t like, we resist it. But since what we’re resisting has already taken place, what good is it to resist? If your best friend moves away, it’s understandable that you don’t like it. But your inner resistance to that event for years to come does not change the fact that they did, indeed, move away. It does not do anything to the reality of the situation….It is not life’s events that are causing problems or stress. It is your resistance to life’s events that is causing this experience….Stop resisting.” ~ Michael Singer

One way I know to stop resisting, besides lying on the floor, is to investigate the beliefs that appear, screaming in your head, when something apparently awful happens.

Can you absolutely know it is true that this is 100% horrible? You are not safe? You can’t bear it? You won’t make it through this emotionally? There is nothing good that could come of this?

No.

Nothing has been 100% horrible, I have always been safe, I have been able to bear everything, I’ve found happiness again even after much destruction, and there is great goodness that has come out of it.

Who would you be without these thoughts? What would it feel like? Without labeling the sensations you feel? Without being so sure you know this is wrong? Without listening to all the chatter in your head, all the words?

Without the idea that you are not safe?

“The apparent craziness of the world, like everything else, is a gift that we can use to set our minds free. Any stressful thought that you have about the planet, for example, shows you where you are stuck, where your energy is being exhausted in not fully meeting life as it is, without conditions.” ~ Byron Katie

You can turn the thoughts in your mind around and find examples of how these opposite thoughts are true.

It’s a practice that cracks open the universe…allowing you to see how worthy, loved, innocent, and powerful you are.

And how you’ve made it, so far, through everything.

Much love, Grace