Three spots available for mini retreat on December 6th 1:30-5:30 in Seattle at my little cottage. It will fill so be sure to register to hold your spot.
*****
In less than a week, I’ll be flying to California to go on retreat with one of my favorite all-time teachers Adyashanti. I’m so happy thinking about it, and the profound invitation and joy it brings.
And.
I also have thoughts like “I don’t have enough time!” “I have so much to do in advance!” “I can’t write during the retreat, oh horrors!” “I have a workshop the day after I return…what if people write me emails with questions, and I don’t get back to them?”
Help! Arggh! Oh no! Eeeeeek!
But if I pause, relax, notice that all is well in this moment and nothing is an emergency….it’s not so hard to see this isn’t an emergency either….
….and I do what’s next right now.
I go to the bathroom, I get a glass of water, I write this, I put on my exercise clothes and get ready to head for the gym.
I remember that what time it is does not matter.
I feel this moment, now.
“Awake awhile. It does not have to be Forever, Right now. One step upon the Sky’s soft skirt would be enough. Hafiz, Awake awhile. Just one true moment of love will last for days. Rest all your elaborate plans and tactics for Knowing Him, for they are all just frozen spring buds far, so far from summer’s divine gold. Awake, my dear. Be kind to your sleeping heart. Take it out into the vast fields of light and let it breathe. Say, ‘Love, give me back my wings. Lift me nearer.’ Say to the sun and moon, say to our dear Friend, ‘I will take you up now, beloved, on that wonderful dance you promised!” ~ Hafiz
Right now, I am not “behind” or traveling or needing to get Stuff done, or having to prepare, or too busy.
Instead, how about I take the universe up on the dance it promised, instead of postponing it until later, after tasks are done?
Fairly regularly, people come to me to do The Work and say “I feel awful, I can’t sleep, I want to eat all the time, I want to drink beer, but I don’t know WHAT I’m really upset about!?!”
This is soooooo common.
You aren’t weird if you’ve noticed this in your life.
Some of the other things people will say are “I am depressed” or “I am anxious all the time” or the most fabulous give-up smack to the world….”what’s the use?”
How do I do The Work on this feeling? I can’t find a concept! Write something down?
There’s nothing to write down….or too much to write down!
Maybe you are considering humanity….and the suffering, the wars, the hunger, destruction, global warning, relationships gone astray, the hurt, the grief.
It’s so big. So hard. So terrible. Blech. I’ll just go to bed.
When it comes to doing The Work, one of the first places to begin when you just feel bad is to locate a specific objection you have about life, and oddly enough, narrow it down in a strangely specific way.
I always have people start there, just like Byron Katie herself recommends.
“But I don’t have a specific situation….I have a whole bunch of uncomfortable or horrible situations….life is just one big fat disappointment, I’m a mess, being here is no good!”
OK, no problemo.
Here’s the good news. Pick ONE.
That’s all that is necessary.
Because narrowing it down to one situation at a time is the BEST THING I EVER DID in my inquiry.
Seriously.
And I was someone who had what I thought were HUNDREDS of objectionable situations.
I used to make very global statements about the difficulties of life. I used to be sarcastic and rather dark…my humor still leans in that direction, but now it’s actually FUNNY.
“Life sucks and then you die”.
I notice…I really don’t say those kinds of things hardly ever anymore. Or, I don’t believe it when I do.
Wow.
Have no fear. If you say big generalized statements about the world, life, you, humans….and it’s dark and bitter….all you have to do is begin with one situation you ACTUALLY went through.
One really lazer, painful, ouchy incident where you got hurt.
That’s the moment.
You put it on “pause” and hold that vision in your mind of that specific situation.
Ow, ow, ow.
Even if you don’t want to remember it, or deal with it, or you feel there’s absolutely nothing you could ever do about it, ever, ever, ever.
Inquiry is investigation into reality, into the truth.
And the assumption below it all is that experiencing pain and suffering in this moment now, through remembering the past or dreading the future, means you don’t have all the lights on. You’re missing something, you’ve thought something to be true that’s probably not really true for you.
But you have to look and see for yourself.
Today….if you have a big black cloud come over you, if you experience deep despair, irritation, depression, rage, frustration, terror, fear or anxiety….
….first simply stop.
Now consider the moment where you got triggered. Maybe an image sped through your mind and it reminded you of something else. Maybe three different people had funny faces, and all added up together you were disturbed because your mind took off on a tangent of despair.
Go backwards in time to the first moment you got triggered.
The scene of the crime.
The day you lost your innocence. The moment you failed, the day you found out that news, the conversation in which it became clear you were betrayed, criticized, unloved, wrong, destroyed.
Don’t worry if you don’t have the “best” worst situation.
The one that comes to mind, is the one ready for inquiry.
Every time I thought I just “felt bad” and didn’t have a thought to question…within five minutes of writing I had a specific situation, a difficult painful relationship to investigate.
“It is only by beginning to examine and realize the falseness within our minds that we begin to awaken an intelligence that originates from beyond the realm of thinking.” ~ Adyashanti
“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie
I love knowing all that is necessary is to question.
The suffering I am experiencing is happening through not asking questions, through making statements like “LIFE SUCKS!”
Like I know, right?
Let yourself see the thing that’s bothering you, in that moment of angst, urgency, fear, sleeplessness.
Don’t start wondering if you have the right situation, or the best situation….just begin. Write that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
You can do it!
Much love, Grace
P.S. For lots of wonderful information about doing The Work and to see Byron Katie teach you about filling out a JYN, visit www.thework.com.
Everyone is gathered on the phone. We can hear each other’s voices, but can’t see one another. We each see the room we’re in, or the car, the street, the coffee shop, the airport.
Here we are again, ready to look closely at troubling stories in our lives.
The class title? Relationship Hell To Heaven.
And it sure does feel like hell sometimes.
Yikes!
This week, we were looking at the topic “Telling The Truth” and how that impacts or gets twisted up in relationships with others.
When do you not show what you’re really thinking? When do you withhold information? When do you speak up abruptly, or say no, or say “maybe” when you really mean “yes”?
Or vice versa? Say yes when you really mean “no”?
I used to feel like I had to hide PILES of stuff about myself.
Be nice, smile, be helpful, act polite, don’t get too high maintenance or PIA (pain in the ass). Be appealing. Be attractive.
Be OPEN!
(Note: if you scream “RELAX AND OPEN YOUR HEART!!!!” to someone who is afraid, do you think they’ll relax and open their heart? This includes screaming it to yourself.)
I used to notice from time to time I judged some other people as too nicey-nice, too fakey, untrustworthy, false, saccharin, superficial, gooey.
What’s more is, I ALSO noticed when someone was too sharp, edgy, mean, critical, negative, cold, bossy, pushy, constantly making contact and asking mega questions, or rude….it made me really nervous, or irritated.
Jeez! Such strong beliefs about how people should behave, in order to be comfortable!
Even if you think its SOOOOOOO TRUE that someone should stop being so high maintenance OR suspiciously passive…
….who would you be if you couldn’t lock in on that story?
Woah.
Without believing they need to stop being like that, or something’s “wrong” with it, I might rest so much more comfortable.
I might notice I’m worried about hurting their feelings, but I can still say “I love you deeply and I don’t want to do what you’re asking right now.”
I might say “I’ll cook and eat with you tomorrow evening, but today I’m not really into a sit-down meal.”
I wouldn’t have SHOULDS and SHOULDN’Ts hanging over the scene from past teachings, past ideas about what is wrong or right.
I might say “hey when you tease too much about my driving, I start to feel a little hurt because I’m worried you think I’m a bad driver, is that actually true?”
I could check things out, I could say no with lots of love in my heart….
….not because I should have love in my heart, but because I trust the presence of the answer “no” I’m feeling, and when that happens, I also feel love.
I can be with you even when you say (or look like) you’re disappointed about me saying “no”.
Turning the thoughts around about how I think people ought to be, I find I am the one who needs to relax and wait and pause before trying to create a big boundary with someone…..
….or, I am the one who could notice when someone asks or says something, all I need to do is respond. I don’t have to have a hissy fit because they are too fake acting. Maybe they’re scared.
I am safe in relationship to that person.
Every way of being is OK, I can be with others and their requests or contact or words or the way they act….without panicking and overriding my own values.
I can handle it all, I can delight in it all.
Who would you be if you lived the turnaround that everyone’s behavior is acceptable?
I’d be so much more excited about every interaction. I’d move towards or away, but there wouldn’t be such fury about any of my actions.
Everything more fluid.
It doesn’t mean I have to LOVE everyone’s behavior. But it wouldn’t be so dang important.
That’s relationship heaven.
“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.” ~ Adyashanti
Every month the Year of Inquiry group starts in on a new topic.
Yesterday…we began to look at where we create stories, assumptions, warnings, or angry reaction to whole groups of people.
You know, THOSE kinds of people.
We had an awesome collection to kick off our investigation. Inquirers had stressful thoughts about social climbers, fundamentalists, drivers who text, luxury hotel owners, men in power, and violent gamers.
So many images, scenes and frightening groups. For some reason, I always think of Nazi’s or white supremacists as a very frightening group. The people who made Maria and the VonTrapp family walk over the alps on foot and leave everything behind.
Those violent people.
Horrible.
It’s true they should never be like that, it’s true they are frightening, it’s true they are dangerous and creepy.
How do you react when you believe they are so dangerous?
When they are close, I think about them all the time. When they are far away, I forget, then remember. I try to keep myself safe. I protect this body. I hide.
Even if something happened on TV or in the movies, even if something happened long ago in my own life….I feel anxious in the present moment as I remember the violence. I want to push it away, get it out of my head.
But who would you be without the belief that no one should ever be violent?
It doesn’t mean you suddenly are saying you love violence. No one usually does.
Only without the belief it shouldn’t happen?
I notice without that belief, I can turn a little more towards studying violence. Remembering a traumatic moment. Opening to the memory. Aware that it’s just a picture in my mind, it’s not happening right now.
Nothing is happening right now.
Without the belief that violence should never, ever happen, I can stop calling the energy “violence”. I notice a fountain of fire come forth, and then recede. I watch my own anger roar out, then dissolve away.
I feel compassion suddenly, for those who feel so violent, so trapped and blocked and stuck that they would feel violence is their only way.
Isn’t that how I have also operated in the past? Berating myself, cutting myself down, flogging myself mentally with insults and criticism? Saying mean things internally to the people I love the most, too? Cussing, spitting, pushing people away? Assuming the worst?
“Can I stop raping myself and others with abusive thinking? If not, I’m continuing in myself the very thing that I want to end in you. Sanity doesn’t suffer, ever. Can you eliminate war everywhere on earth? Through inquiry, you can begin to eliminate it for one human being: you.” ~ Byron Katie
Today, after inquiry with the sweet YOI group this morning, I felt a deep compassion to those fighter people with guns, weapons, hatred, anger.
My love went through the atmosphere saying “peace is here, peace is here.”
I could see a ball of light surrounding Hitler, other dictators, terrible war happening right now in the world, violence.
Notice how you feel when you believe in power and love all mixed together….not passivity….not ignorance….
….but real unconditional silent love and how it holds everything.
You feel somehow all is well, no matter what.
Something bigger than “you”.
“Among the great things which are to be found among us, the Being of Nothingness is the greatest.” ~ Leonardo da Vinci
“I hate your storage tubs! You can’t have them in here! They’re so ugly!”
That’s what came out of my mouth when speaking to my dear husband just the other day.
I was standing in the doorway to the cute little room in our cottage that serves as a guest room, office, the room for my son when he’s home from college.
My husband had three huge rubbermaid green tubs, the size of large cardboard boxes, piled in there. Plus two actual cardboard boxes with stuff inside.
They had been in there a couple of weeks. The bedding and mattress were leaning up against the wall, covering an entire large window so the room was darkish.
I had walked past the open door to the room daily, and thought “We need to move forward with this project of changing the room around. So trashy looking! Like someone can’t finish moving in!”
The thought repeated itself every time I looked in.
Ugh. It looks like a storage closet. Unwelcoming.
It looks like a hoarder’s house. We could be on TV on that show about nut cases who keep everything piled in boxes along the hallways, who collect junk and pay for storage units.
No offense if you like keeping stuff. I tend to lean the opposite, being of the purger sort of mind, and that’s not always peaceful either.
But here’s where my mind went in a matter of maybe 24 seconds.
We aren’t compatible. This is NOT working.
He needs his own place to live because he likes rubbermaid tubs in the house.
Heh. Heh.
How do I react when I believe someone should place objects or see household items differently than I do?
Oh boy. Such an imperfect world. These people who live around here….
They should empty the dishwasher, they should put their dishes IN the dishwasher, they should wipe the counter, they shouldn’t break my favorite mug, they should empty the garbage when its full, they should put their clothes in their bedroom, they should put their mail somewhere else besides the dining room table, they shouldn’t leave their shoes here, they should turn down that noise, they should close the shower curtain.
The other day a client said “my husband has his crap all over the dining room table, day after day, not moving it! I HATE THIS!”
She had said the same thing five years ago.
Um.
Who would you be without the belief that there is something out of order, and those people should agree?
Woah…without that belief?
Suddenly, I am laughing at the total goofiness of my extremely bizarre conclusions.
I apologize to my husband, and I mean it.
The next day, I take 90 minutes having a blast (seriously) moving the tubs into a closet, boxes into the shed, a few items into drawers, adjusting the furniture, making up the bed with clean sheets, changing lightbulbs, vacuuming, dusting, emptying garbage.
It is sooooo fun.
No one else has to participate in this wonderful activity except for me, the one who noticed it, the one who cares.
“I hate my thoughts which hold onto rigid ideas, keeping them protected in rubber storage tubs! I don’t want them in here! They’re so ugly!”
I chuckle at that little mind so interested in being a victim of other peoples’ movements. Even one man setting a box down can get that victim mind over-excited.
Missing out how much I love to clean, make things pretty, create a gorgeous environment around me. And it doesn’t have to happen yesterday (bossing my own self) either. Things can take the pace they take, the pace that’s possible.
I almost missed it!
“If I want my children to hear me, I’m insane. They’re only going to hear what they hear, not what I say. Let me see, maybe I’ll filter their hearing: ‘Don’t hear anything but what I say.’ Does that sound a little crazy to you?…’Hear what I want you to hear, hear me.’ Insane. And it just doesn’t work….I want them to hear what they hear. I’m not crazy anymore. I’ve a lover of what is.” ~ Byron Katie
If I want my husband to see exactly what I see, and my kids, and have us all agree 100% about what we see and what it means, I’m insane.
I mean really? I want them to suffer because of green storage tubs stacked up in a room, or a dish in the sink? Seriously?
It’s a bright autumn day. Everyone’s bundled in winter coats, freshly taken out of the closet for the colder months ahead.
It’s a family outing to visit my son for parent’s weekend at college.
We run into a favorite professor and have a fabulous conversation, we walk past my son’s classrooms, he points out buildings, he talks about red square, the fountain that spouts water perfectly in unison with the measure of the wind, designed by engineering students, so nobody ever gets splashed by wayward drops while standing or sitting nearby.
Then my son winces.
He’s had an earache, he says, and he’s trying to ignore it.
Immediately I think “Gosh. Let’s head for the student health center!”
He agrees. He’s never been before.
He’s suffered from ear infections in the past. Good to catch it before they’re closed all weekend. Free healthcare.
The whole family, including grandma, assembles in the waiting room. We have a great time talking.
My son beckons to me to follow when his name is called in the waiting room. Just like old times when he was a kid.
Or, maybe I automatically rose out of my chair and went.
There’s a chair for me, the mom, and a chair for my son, and a chair for the nurse. This is a quick intake set-up get-you-in-the-system interview, blood pressure, other basics.
My son answers questions.
And then.
“Do you use marijuana?”
My son hesitates. He looks at me. He makes an oops hesitant smile like, uh-oh, ha-ha.
“Yes”.
“More than once a week?”
“No”.
On the outside I am cool.
Inside I’m having a heart attack.
All my fears of drugs, addiction, failure, horrors, OMG my son’s derailing into a terrible world, come screaming to the surface.
NOOOOOOOOO!
Clearing throat.
Yeah. It was that dramatic.
On the inside.
We leave, have a great evening with our family, enjoy dinner.
I have to wait to sort out how I feel about this *shocking* situation.
Later, I do The Work.
Who would I be without the belief that it is alarming, or awful, or an emergency that my son said YES to using marijuana?
Jeez. A thousand times calmer, that’s for sure.
Who would I be without the belief that this is terrible, terrible, terrible and something surely terrible, terrible, terrible will happen?
Noticing an inner silence that accepts all things, including every kind of drug created by humankind.
I turn the thought around: This is wonderful, interesting information. This is an opportunity. This is not terrible. I can be real, honest. No one is out of control (except my own dramatic thinking). I get to see what I think is so scary about the news. I get to inquire.
After inquiry, I text my son. It’s been three days. I ask if we can skype later, and as always he enthusiastically agrees.
When we’re looking at each other on screen, I say…”That was kinda awkward, right? But I’d love to talk about it with you. I got scared…and…I know you’re very adult and very awesome. I appreciated you telling the truth, that was cool. Can I ask you some questions? Do you have any questions for me?”
He says…”Oh, I almost forgot about that moment, that WAS awkward.” We laugh.
I tell him some interesting family history with drugs and alcohol.
He mentions, before I even ask (it was one of my questions) that he’s smoked pot twice this past year.
Oh.
Not quite as horrifically bad as I pictured.
Ha ha!
“What seemed terrible changes once you’ve questioned it. There is nothing terrible except your unquestioned thoughts about what you see. So whenever you suffer, inquire, look at the thoughts you’re thinking, and set yourself free. Be a child. Know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” ~ Byron Katie
Even if the story went another way, and my son was experiencing pain and suffering…that would have its freedom, too.
Any situation offers innocence, peace and awareness. Just the right amount, for what I need.
At a huge conference yesterday, I had an experience I haven’t had in a very long time.
Feeling very, very full after eating a feast in a really gorgeous, high end restaurant with lovely people and several hours of conversation.
As I bicycled home late at night the moon shone brightly and the air was warm…this is Scottsdale, Arizona…the desert.
All was well, until I stopped moving, jumped off my bike and entered my hotel room.
Then…woah.
My stomach is so full!
As I drank some water (so full), as I brushed my teeth (so full), as I pulled back the soft sheets (so full), as I checked emails quickly (so full), as I closed my laptop and turned out the light (so full), as I lay in silence on my back, feeling my stomach with the palms of my hands (so full).
As it turned out, something disagreed with my stomach and twice in the night I got up with diarrhea.
When something feels off in the body, the mind loves to comment.
Have you noticed?
No matter what kind of sickness, even a common cold, the mind may chatter away saying “you should have washed your hands after encountering those kids”, “you should have gotten better rest the other day”, “you shouldn’t have eaten that food”, or “you should have taken your vitamins”….
It will go on and on trying to figure out where you made the mistake, so you can avoid it again.
But what if you observe that the reason you feel bad is all because of YOU. Then, there is another meaner more vicious voice that can attack you for succumbing to your cravings. It’s bitter, critical and judgmental.
And really feels horrible. Important for inquiry.
Let’s look.
you should know better
I can’t believe you drank that/ate that
there is something completely wrong with you
you’re an idiot
you must not love yourself
this means you’re a fraud, childish, sick, needy, gross
You may have felt this way a thousand times, if you’re someone who falls into a compulsive process with food (or many other behaviors).
But instead of being so mean and raging an army against your own behavior…try something different.
Who would you be without these thoughts? Who would you be without believing your story about what happened, what’s wrong with you, or why you’re a failure?
If you’ve had a binge, take a deep breath.
Be very quiet.
Can you notice what is gentle, peaceful and sweet about this moment, now?
What else are you, besides your thoughts about the way you eat?
Can you find the opposite to your thinking?
you should not know any better
It’s completely believable and OK that you drank that/ate that
there is something completely right with you
you’re a genius
you must love yourself
this means you’re a normal human, innocent, healthy, have needs, beautiful
How could it be as true, or truer, that all unfolded as it did and you can learn from what happened?
If you’ve binged, it can be difficult to catch the thoughts you had before you felt the urge to binge…but it’s totally possible for you.
I suggest getting a Food Journal. Long ago I called mine a Binge Journal.
Write in it as soon as you remember, whether a day later after a binge, several hours after, 15 minutes after, the middle of it, or when the craving first arises.
You won’t be able to capture your thoughts on paper BEFORE you feel the cravings, if this is a new process. Don’t expect that of yourself, you’ll discover so much just by looking back at your last binge or over-eating episode.
What were you feeling, before cravings rose up? What was happening for you before you felt uncertainty, before you ate, before you drank, before you grabbed for something? Who did you think about or talk with? What did you feel afraid of?
For me…as I look right now today, I see a lot of inner activity was going on, and I didn’t take time to be with myself and rest.
Thoughts that floated through my mind yesterday, before the dinner ever took place, were like this: there are soooo many people at this conference, I want to connect with people more intimately but I’m finding it hard, I want to rest and feel the inner energy I love so much, I wish I had more money, I wish I had more time, I don’t completely belong here, I’d rather be at a meditation retreat, I’m all alone, this place is unfamiliar, I need to squeeze everything I can out of this conference and I’m not doing a good job, I am not really successful in my work.
It felt alarming, somewhat anxious. I had not stopped and questioned what I was thinking. I had believed a lot of what I thought.
Don’t belong. Not enough. Separate.
Without any of these thoughts about what I should or should not be doing, or that I am not connected or enough….
….I feel so relieved. Quiet.
Back again to nothing being required, nothing more needed in this moment, nothing missing.
“Freedom from obsession is not about something you do; it’s about knowing who you are. It’s about recognizing what sustains you and what exhausts you. What you love and what you think you love because you believe you can’t have it.” ~ Geneen Roth
Blessings to all of you who have felt the numbing harsh pain of that Mean Voice talking to you, and seeking comfort in food or drink or something that hurts you later.
There is an answer, there is a reason for it all. There is nothing wrong with you.
Here is a video for you, by a sweet spiritual teacher named Mooji. Very simple, very kind. This is one thing you can do after a binge, or when you’re overwhelmed with self-criticism or cravings.
Eating Peace will begin on October 26th. We’ll meet most Wednesday and Sunday mornings from 8:30-10 am Pacific Time for twelve weeks. We’ll practice self-care, self-love, inquiry, and stopping before bingeing, and stopping before wild believing of everything you think. Read more details and sign up by clicking HERE.
Last Tuesday when Year of Inquiry met to question thoughts together in the morning via teleconference….a very interesting thought appeared for investigation.
Our topic this month is Authority.
Power, control, being bossed, trying to boss yourself, getting manipulated, having concern with who or what is in charge.
People once again had really profound and varied worksheets.
One wonderful inquirer had a few thoughts about Society and how controlling it is about sexuality.
He should, she should, they should….
There were different aspects of thought around relationship on her worksheet, but here’s the thought that rose to the surface, that felt very painful and nerve-racking:
Men leave women who don’t want to “x”.
I’m making sure this note is rated G.
You get the idea though. Someone leaves if someone else doesn’t do what they want.
What a frightening and controlling thought.
If I do it, I feel like a slave. If I don’t do it, I’m abandoned. Rats. No win.
This kind of dynamic can happen in all kinds of relationships. On the job between boss and employee, or between parents and children, or between friends, or neighbors.
Pretty much between any two people. Period.
If I don’t do what that person wants, I will be abandoned. If they don’t do what I want, I will abandon them!
Dang! Wait a Second! This is true!
I’ve been ditched and I’ve done the ditching a bunch of times because what was wanted by someone…..didn’t happen!
Are you sure that’s true?
Yes. Ask anyone.
When people’s relationships end and someone gets left, it’s because one person wasn’t getting what they wanted from the other person.
Are you completely sure of this?
No.
How do you react when you believe people get left when someone doesn’t get what they want?
Sigh. It’s hard.
Lots of examining relationships, to make sure I’m doing OK, make sure I’m giving enough, being a good friend, a good partner, a good sibling, a good earner, a good pleaser, a good daughter, a good teacher, a good student, a good worker, a good mother, a good granddaughter, a good neighbor, a good citizen.
Anything. But. Abandonment.
But who would you be without that thought?
Without the belief that being left had something to do with you? That you can prevent leaving from occurring? That your leaving had something to do with them? Or that you know what’s best for everyone involved?
Woah.
Amazing, right? What if the way it went, or the way it’s going to go, is going to be the best way ever?
Turning it around…
If I don’t do what I want, I will be abandoned–by myself!
Sooooo True!
And let’s face it, we feel awful when we abandon ourselves.
Someone in our inquiry group said “No one ever talks about this!”
I thought….everyone here is connecting, sharing very honestly, doing the work on a belief about something extremely intimate, and sometimes troubling or off, sometimes incredibly beautiful.
We were all whatever the opposite is of abandoned, in that time of working together….
These here Grace Notes, my own work right in front of you in writing….and then Eating Peace notes which will only be happening for awhile, until the Eating Peace program starts on October 26th at 8:30 am.
(If you wanted to be on the Eating Peace list, too, you don’t have to join the program to read what I’m sending…really vital parts of what I learned over the years that helped me recover completely from eating wars. To subscribe to Eating Peace notes, just click the little tiny words at the bottom of this note that say “Update Profile/Email Address” and you can add yourself to the Eating Peace list.)
I almost can’t believe I’m writing so much, and how it simply spills out of me like I’m turning on a faucet!
People ask me how I do it?
I could say a few details on how, and they may be interesting or helpful…
….like, I make sure I have time in my schedule now twice a day without clients, I can type 150 words per minute, I always have an idea running in the back of my mind, I get inspired by clients every day and THEIR thoughts….
….but really, that’s all yada yada.
For some reason, this is what is happening.
I had no plan for it. I don’t have an explanation for it either.
My expression into the world is in writing, doing my inquiry, running workshops and creating programs for some weird bizarre reason.
But let’s say you WANT to do something, and you notice you DON’T do it .
Maybe you want to write every day like me. Or maybe you want to earn more money, get in better shape, learn to play the mandolin, speak French, change careers, visit Argentina, go on a cruise, make a room in your home better, find a mate, clean out your shed, upgrade your car, get the dandelions out of your yard, lose twenty pounds.
The mind will go on and on with projects.
Some repeat themselves regularly.
It really seems like you should accomplish them. Or someone else close to you should accomplish something!
This is pretty fun for inquiry. You may feel lighter, once this is over.
You should accomplish what you way you want to accomplish.
They should accomplish what YOU want them to accomplish (and they say they want to accomplish).
Is it true?
Well…duh! Of course I want to earn more money! Of course I want to finish my book! Of course I want my husband to lose some weight!
All around better. Sure of it.
Really?
YES.
How do you react when you think that idea should become a reality? When you really believe that you ought to get it done? When you absolutely think THEY ought to get it handled?
*IRRITATED!!!*
A huge wave of frustration comes over me. I could storm around railing about how this isn’t done, that isn’t done.
Last summer 2013, I decided in early June that this was the summer to get the shed cleaned out.
I scheduled it on my calendar for August, a whole weekend to clean out the shed.
I was very committed. I got a truck. I planned. I kept two full days clear, Saturday and Sunday. I scheduled nothing.
I was successful!
I got all MY boxes cleaned out, I took stuff to the dump, I took stuff to Goodwill, I stacked things neatly.
The only little part left was that my kids and husband, I had decided, ALSO needed to clean out THEIR boxes in the shed and eliminate, throw away, label, do all the shed-type-cleaning-out stuff.
That part never happened.
AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
Heh heh.
Now, summer 2014 just ended. No further shed-cleaning has happened from the other said parties.
Let’s just say, how I react when I believe it SHOULD be accomplished is….well….a little like Hitler marching around a whacking things with a stick.
Who would I be if I couldn’t even have the thought that something should be accomplished that is NOT yet accomplished?
Oh. Gosh.
Suddenly, laughter!
Without the belief that anything special should be happening, without the belief that all those things you want done should be done by now, or it would be better if they were….
….it’s like soaring in a wide open sky.
Nothing expected. Nothing necessary. Nothing needed in order to “get” somewhere. No accomplishing required.
And I notice I loved doing all that shed stuff, it made me happy. It makes no difference if I thought other people should also want to do it, too.
“When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you.” ~ Byron Katie
Without any of that stuff on your list done, or even started…with none of it complete at all…could you still be happy right now, in this moment?
Yes. Giddy almost.
Do you think you’d be more likely to do that thing you imagine doing from this joyful place, or from the angry place?
This is fun.
“You’ll never reach a point in your life where everything is solved, all neatly tied up in a bow. That’s the point…..You learn to love the mess of your life…..” ~ Jeff Foster
Over the years doing inquiry, I sometimes hear this objection to questioning thoughts:
But what if it’s just plain true? What if there’s no doubt that something happened, and it’s irrefutable?
Like, my mom slapped me. She did.
I did lose all my money. I broke my leg. I got cancer. I got divorced. My father died. My grandfather was a control freak. I moved. My childhood is over. My children are gone.
Those things happened!
Well…yes they did. This isn’t about questioning facts of life.
This is about investigating what you believed, and perhaps still believe, about that event, that experience…when it’s painful.
Here are a few easy ways to get to the heart of yourself, and your pain, when you notice you feel stress about something that happens.
Let’s say someone is really upset with you. They’re not speaking to you anymore. Maybe they yelled at you and it was really obvious that they were super pissed off. Maybe you’ve called, written, emailed, facebooked, and they never write back.
Maybe they just had a look on their face that wasn’t pleasant. Maybe you’re not sure what went wrong.
You notice a clench in the gut. You notice your mind start to get a little interested.
As you think about this person, or the situation where you feel sad about what happened, or irritated, any kind of stressful feeling at all…..see what you believe it means that it happened that way.
Since she said that thing to me, and made that face….what I think it means is that she hates me. I’ve done this wrong. I scared her. People get confused. People are nuts. The universe is a difficult place. She could hurt me again. They don’t like me. I’m in danger.
Now….just pick one concept to question.
Are you sure that when that happened, it meant what you think it meant?
Can you really know if something is lost and over (including someone’s life) that it means this world is weird and full of loss, dangerous, or that you’re all alone and it’s entirely hopeless?
No.
How do you react when you believe that whatever happened means something frightening, or bad, or difficult, or hard, or shocking?
Very anxious. Very sad. Very lonely. Very hurt. Very upset. Worried about the activities of reality, every single day even.
But who would you be without the belief that you know what that event means? Who would you be without the thought that you know what was going on with that person, or that it’s threatening to you personally, or that it means something stressful about life?
Strange.
If I don’t know what something means….even that thing that happened that seems harsh, or that everyone generally agrees is a tough experience….
….who would I be? What would I be?
“For many people, life without their story is literally unimaginable. They have no reference for it. ‘I don’t know’ is a common answer to this question. Other people answer by saying ‘I’d be free’ or ‘I’d be peaceful’ or I’d be a more loving person.’ You could also say, ‘I’d be clear enough to understand the situation and act efficiently.’ Without our stories, we are not only able to act clearly and fearlessly; we are also a friend, a listener. We are people living happy lives. We are appreciation and gratitude that have become as natural as breath itself.” ~ Byron Katie
Try it today.
It starts with imagination. Your mind is excellent at imagination.
Who would you be in this moment, without knowing what that event meant…the one you’ve been thinking all this time was horrible, or difficult?
I’d be feeling the blood pulse in my arms and hands, hearing the cars outside the open window, smelling the fresh late summer air drift through the window slats, feeling the beat of my heart, seeing the colors, the magnificent color of this white couch I sit on.
Everything is incredible.
I get to see where this all goes, how it unfolds next, what direction it takes.
With a very fresh, open mind.
“Billions of things could happen that you haven’t even thought of yet. The question is not whether they will happen. Things are going to happen. The real question is whether you want to be happy regardless of what happens.” ~ Michael Singer
If I turn around every experience I see as difficult, into one I see as an opportunity for peace and happiness….then wow, I get a lot of opportunities.
It’s actually very exciting, very liberating.
Thank you world for everything you’re presenting, thank you for this moment, that previous moment, every hard time, every easy time, every time, every time.
Much Love, Grace
P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.