Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Are You Afraid It’s Not Going To Work Out Perfectly?

Who would you be without the belief it has to be perfect?
Who would you be without the belief it has to be perfect?

I’m preparing for the Eating Peace 3 day retreat coming up next week, exactly a week from today. It’s jamming full, with a waiting list. Wow.

When you are really excited about something coming in the future, how do you react?

Do you over-prepare? Do you make lists? Do you organize and re-organize? Do you worry?

From time to time, someone comes to me for facilitation on their stressful beliefs about an upcoming event.

A wedding, a party, a retreat, a show, an interview, a presentation, an exam.

I’ve written before about the beliefs that whatever it is has to be good.

Must. Be. Good.

But let’s say….you know it’s gonna be awesome. You know your stuff, you feel in the flow, you’ve got experience, you’re excited.

Yet, still.

There are some other stressful worries.

I noticed one last night, as I watched the clock tick past 8, past 9, past 10 pm and had no end in sight to my final curriculum preparation and writing.

My biggest problem?

What to eliminate that I’ve learned, and teach, about freeing yourself from obsession with food.

Gosh….there’s so MUCH!

How can I cram it all in???!!!!!

Oh, wait.

That’s what I used to say about FOOD, right?  

How can I cram it all in? 

I suddenly realized, a familiar old thought is entering my consciousness: I want to include it all, I don’t want to eliminate a thing.

Leaving something out would mean deprivation. Missing something. Not having it all.

Oh brother….time to do The Work.

Is it true that eliminating something is bad?

Is it true when making a choice that whatever is decided against might be longed for later?

People sometimes feel this way about lovers, houses they’re buying, cars, pets, flavors, majors, school, movies.

I want ALL of them, I don’t want to “have to” pick!

But who would you be without that belief?

Who would I be without the thought that deleting and eliminating some exercises, and picking only some, will mean not everything gets covered?

Who would I be without the belief that it all needs to happen ASAP, too, so that I can rest and relax AFTER I’m done?

What if it could simply go the way it goes, and I’m participating in a co-created effort….me and the universe together, inventing.

Which means, being very very kind to myself, taking a bath, going to bed, doing something light, sitting quietly doing nothing.

Because, in the end, that’s what brought me freedom from obsession and compulsive thinking and behavior around food—love and kindness for myself, in the present moment.

Simple.

If you have dreadful worries about something coming in the future…

…stop for a moment.

Ask yourself, what if I loved myself wildly right now? What if I was my absolute most brilliant, sweet, fun and clever best friend, right now in this moment?

What would I do?

You know what I just did?

I set down my laptop, stood up from where I sat on my couch, and did a little jig in the middle of my living room floor, then stretched my arms way up high, took a long, deep breath, and felt what this whole room feels like….

….looking around at the beautiful colors, smelling the air, hearing the hum of the fridge, listening to the beautiful silence.

That’s what’s happening now.

What’s happening for you right now?

“In actuality, things have already worked out, beyond the story. For in this moment, in reality, there is already no goal, no image of perfection, no comparison, no ‘should’ or ‘should not’, and the thoughts, sensations, feelings, sounds and smells appearing right now are entirely appropriate, wonderfully fitting and beautifully timely for this moment in the movie of your life….Face it. Your life is never going to work out. Hallelujah.” ~ Jeff Foster

Isn’t it so exciting to simply feel in this moment?

Maybe all is very, very well without the worry or planning.

Drop the “maybe”.

Love,

Grace

P.S. Another week of podcasts is rolling out–Monday, Wednesday and Friday this week–my little 5 minute Peace Talks. Head over to itunes to listen by clicking this link HERE and be sure to submit a rating for me! I so appreciate all of you who gave such great ratings!!

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Regular People Like You Waking Up

If you missed my interview with certified facilitator of The Work, Celeste Gabrielle, head to my youtube channel and watch HERE.(There are more and more interviews around self-inquiry added over time, and I might get better at making videos too, who knows.)

For me it is profoundly inspiring to find out the personal stories of people, just like you and me, who found self-inquiry in the form of The Work of Byron Katie and/or other inquiry, and how it changed their lives and brought awakening to their world.

Regular peeps.

This “work” of self-inquiry….it’s called “work” because it kinda is, right?

You direct your attention, you focus, you return to the questions, you go out and in like breath, you get a light-bulb that goes off, you’re inspired, you wonder, your mind works and buzzes, you behave differently, you speak or don’t speak in new ways, you feel different….

….it’s so exciting.

The gears start, and keep going.

No longer stuck. No longer repeating the exact same thoughts over and over and over again.

You actually move on to the next stressful thought ready for inquiry, maybe you rotate back to a similar situation but find yourself acting different this time—just a wee bit.

That tiny difference makes a huge difference….

….like the butterfly wings flapping on the other side of Figi or whatever make a storm occur weeks later on the other side of the planet.

Movement, insight, and joy happen.

Or, it’s discovered that it was there all along, we just didn’t see it until we looked more closely.

The thing I love most about The Work and simply contemplating magnificent questions about life and my perceptions of it….

….is that it doesn’t take me doing years and years of therapy, it doesn’t take finding a perfect guru, it doesn’t take money, it doesn’t take death, it doesn’t take finding true love, it doesn’t take having a healthy body…..

…..it takes whatever it takes.

All these things are amazing, and some of them are indeed part of the journey for some people.

But there are no absolutes, and nothing is required.

Your life will show you what to question.

All you have to do (and it’s not even a “have to” really) is answer the simple questions.

Your life, and your inner brilliant wise silence, will show you how to answer.

And oh so wonderful to hear other people’s adventures along this path called life!

They help us connect and turn us back to our own journeys….

….and how we are all one and the same, with apparently different details, flavors, colors, and incidents.

How has self-inquiry helped you along your life path?

I’d love to know!

Leave a comment below or you can also leave a comment when you watch on youtube in the comments section. It’s so much fun to share. And it may mean more than you know for someone else.

Your life matters.

Because.

“What would it be like if you didn’t need to struggle, if you didn’t need to make an effort to find peace and happiness? What would that feel like now? And just take a moment to be quiet and see if peace or stillness is with you in this moment.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love,

Grace

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I’ve Been Cheated! And Other Invitations To Freedom

He cheated on me. I was betrayed. She abandoned me. 

This orientation to partnership is very common.

Many times, in working with others about romantic relationships, they will speak these words.

I love the way the word “cheated” comes up.

People use this word to describe going off diets (I cheated on my diet) or money (he cheated me out of my fair share) or love.

When you use the word “cheated”…. 

….about anything…

….you are sitting right in the center of pain.

You are shouting from the rooftops that YOU are WRONGED, that you are worthy of being cheated on, that you are damaged.

I know it hurts. I do understand. I’ve had the very same thoughts!

But inquiring and seeing, with more open eyes instead of the eyes of a victim, can be the most liberating thing ever.

People will say “I can’t let go of how hurt I was” like it means they will lose a battle.

If you say this, you may be losing already, you may be in a battle getting beaten to a pulp, so you may as well look more closely and see.

Let’s do it!

He or she cheated on you.

Is that true?

Yes! Disaster! Life story changed! The most terrible horrible thing happened! The worst that I could imagine came true!

But who would you be without the belief that it is even possible to be cheated on?

Weird, I know.

It’s such a long, abiding story of lover relationships. We guaranteed to remain true to each other, only, and never change our minds.

(Impossible to guarantee anything, have you noticed?)

But really. What if it was not cheating? What if there was no such thing?

What if there was simply human being moving from here, to over there, following their own impulses or desires or interests?

Can you really vow to never have a thought, a desire, an attraction towards more than one person….

….or even if you naturally keep this vow just because of the way you are without trying….

….can you really expect or demand that someone else sees only you 100% of the time without any smithereen of an interest in anyone else?

Who would you really be without the belief that you need that person’s attention, love, desire, commitment or vow?

Wow.

For me, the freedom was at first frightening. And then, incredible.

Natural. Soaring.

What if the thing that happened with someone else is an invitation to something even better, different?

What if you could find something brilliant in the experience, even of your own imagination moving towards someone else when you’re apparently in a committed relationship?

What if you used all this as exploration, curious development, wonder?

When I was in a committed relationship once, I watched myself get sparked by another (in horror and guilt some of the time, when I was believing the old relationship thoughts).

When I cut the control, stopped trying to hide it like it was a sin or something, I noticed the deep lack of integrity within my thinking….

….but also the joy in celebrating the beauty I saw.

For me, I brought the conversation very openly to my current partner, who I loved and adored, and as it turned out, we became closer than ever. The intimacy got deeper between us.

I mostly learned about myself and seduction, fun, romance, connection and all the variations it can take….sometimes unexpectedly.

What I noticed was I loved clarity, honesty, no secrets, including my own.

What if you were completely and totally free?

“By watching your mind, you will notice that it is engaged in the process of trying to make everything okay….When you see the mind telling you how to fix the world and everyone in it in order to suit yourself, just don’t listen….free your energies so you can free yourself. Right in the midst of your daily life, by untethering yourself from the bondage of your psyche, you actually have the ability to steal freedom for your soul. This freedom is so great it has been given a special name–liberation.” ~ Michael Singer

If you’re wanting to finding love, romance, sexuality, connecting, bonding, enmeshing, or break-ups….

….and the “problems” they’ve brought you to bring liberation instead….

….then join me in the 8 week teleclass Our Wonderful Sexuality starting next week on Thursdays. 10 am Pacific/1:00 pm Eastern/6:00 pm UK. Click HERE to register or write grace@workwithgrace.com with questions.

Much love,

Grace

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Waking Up Is Not Dictating What Others Should Do–Including The S Word

Breitenbush Hotsprings Annual Retreat in Oregon June 24-28 is open for registration. Sign up soon for the best accommodation choices by calling 503-854-3320.

It is awesome. We do The Work deeply on what disturbs our peace….there is nothing like awakening with yourself as your own teacher, questioning your stressful thoughts. And the location helps, too.

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Do you have rules about a partner's activities that scare you or make you mad? Inquiry can REALLY help!
Do you have rules about a partner’s activities that scare you or make you mad? Inquiry can REALLY help!

“Do we have to share about our sex life, or lack of it?” she said with a nervous laugh.Not long ago someone wrote to me to say she was wondering about taking the upcoming Sexuality teleclass, but felt a little embarrassed.

It is SUCH a difficult topic.

Although, you could question that.

Isn’t it uncomfortable only because we’ve been very well trained to feel guilty, sad, jealous, unworthy, or frightened when it comes to sexual contact and sexuality?

OMG! Something terrible will happen if I feel attraction to “x”!

OMG! Something terrible will happen if I don’t feel attraction to “y”!

OMG! It is horrible when pairings change around and switch, or people sleep with one then another, or people leave long-time monogamous relationships!

OMG! I can’t say that out loud!

Really?

It’s weird all the rules and regulations people learn, often from adults ever since they are kids.

This over here is right. That over there is wrong.

It is such an incredible thing to question these “truths” or beliefs and take them to inquiry.

Just because you’re questioning them doesn’t mean all hell will break loose or you won’t have solid ground to stand on, don’t worry.

One of the biggest sources of pain is when people believe they should be with one person sexually or “in relationship”, and that same person has been with others!

I mean, people get really freaked out about this.

If you find yourself upset about a partner’s history, current desires, other relationships, or life outside of contact with you….

….you may want to inquire.

You may be making yourself completely crazy in where insanity is not necessary.

At all.

Here’s the general concept that flips people into the most whacked emotional states….and I can mention it, because that was me.

“That person should have no one but me as their partner, they should care about only me, they should sleep with only me, they should love only me in this special romantic partnered way.”

IS THAT TRUE?!?

Good lord, no.

What’s the reality of relationships?

I note that people throughout history are moving, going, coming, committing, ending, divorcing, breaking up. Since the beginning of humankind.

Apparently, Reality is that there are no hard and fast rules. Some are interested in one-to-one for many years, others like moving about.

What if there was really no “right” or “wrong”?

If this upsets you, why? What’s the danger?

And what WILL people think if you speak out loud anyway?

Seriously. Answer this question.

What is the actual problem with people not committing, or people having multiple relationships, or your partner choosing someone else, or talking about sex?

When I really looked at this with an open mind, I realized that the danger for me, when getting divorced, was that I was imagining I was worthy of being rejected, abandoned, or having a failed marriage.

It meant something about ME.

ME ME ME.

BAD BAD BAD.

But who would you be without the belief that the motions of other people, even that one you really love and adore, should be close to YOU ONLY?

“Part of waking up is that you live your life as you see fit. And understand: that is not selfish. The selfish thing is to demand that someone else live their life as YOU see fit. THAT’S selfish. It is not selfish to live your life as you see fit. The selfishness lies in demanding that someone else live their life to suit your tastes, or your pride, or your profit, or your pleasure. That is truly selfish….I no longer avoid you because of any negative feelings you create in me. You don’t have that power anymore.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Can you taste the freedom in allowing people to come and go as they please? The joy in you getting to do this, too?

And oh the freedom of speaking what you really want to say out loud. Of saying those words, those beliefs and thoughts that you’re thinking about what should or should not happen physically with others.

How could it be a good thing, that life shows up this way, with unknown couplings and unexpected attractions, with unplanned commitments and joyful long relationships?

How could it be awesome to talk about it?

When I felt the freedom available to me in divorce, in break ups, in losing all expectations for what relationships were supposed to look like….

….ahhhhh. Such wonder.

The fun, the discussions, the play, the exploration, the conversations! So wonderful, so intimate!

If you feel pain about any aspect of sexuality….ideas, loss, rules, difficulty, longing, fear, nervousness….

….you might love the upcoming Our Wonderful Sexuality class starting Thursday mornings 10-11:30 am Pacific time on January 22nd.

With respect for ourselves and every voice that wants to talk inside us, we write down our painful beliefs we tell ourselves about relationships, whether past, present or future….

….and free our minds.

Won’t you join me?

Much love,

Grace

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The Joy of Welcoming True Feedback–Yippee!

Someone wrote to me saying Grace Notes are too long.

I’ve heard it before (big surprise, right)?

Who would have known the quiet one in the back could wax on, chattering away, or raise their hand and share, or go on stage to perform or lead a retreat, or write daily notes.

But I LOVED that honesty. Very refreshing.

When people give me real, authentic feedback, I am honored.

So let’s see if I can make this shorter today….(stop jumping for joy, I saw that).

Here’s the way to clearly identify your stressful concept: “if someone offers a criticism, a correction, a preference, a suggestion….it means ______.”

Pick any time you felt a jolt in your gut or maybe a waft of disappointment drift by when someone shares with you some feedback, fill in that blank.

The stress feels like this:

Oh. Bummer. Rats. Shoot. I did it wrong. I need to change. Eck. They shouldn’t say that. They don’t like me. Embarrassed. Dang it. Hmm. Sad day. Help. No. Ouch.

Now, you’ve got several thoughts written down. Then you take one of them through the four questions.

Who would you be without the belief that you did something wrong, or disappointed someone (and that’s wrong) or were too much, too little, off, inadequate, mistaken, you lost out, it hurt?

“When I don’t look for approval outside me, I remain as approval. And through inquiry I have come to see that I want you to approve of what you approve of, because I love you. What you approve of is what I want. That’s love–it wouldn’t change anything. It already has everything it wants. It already IS everything it wants, just the way it wants it.” ~ Byron Katie

So thrilling!

Turns out, today I don’t think, research, contemplate or spend so much time on Grace Notes. I could use more time.

Oh boy, I love that person. They gave me such great advice!

“The Master doesn’t seek fulfillment. Not seeking, not expecting, she is present, and can welcome all things.” ~ Tao Te Ching #15

Much love, Grace

P.S. Someone wrote asking if people who are NOT enrolled in the 3 month Eating Peace Program can register for the Eating Peace 3-day workshop. The answer is YES. About 4 spots left.

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I Need More! I Need Less! Dropping Food & Money Stories

There is one spot left in the 8 week teleclass on questioning all those powerful money beliefs, some of which are seriously stressful. We start tomorrow 5:15-6:45 Pacific time, skype or phone. To sign up click HERE.

The way I once reacted to money most of the time through a large part of my life was that I was above it, it was unnecessary, and to care about it was to sink into selfishness or worse.

Then I lost all my money.

Ooooh boy, I sure cared about it then! Dang!

If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I would have made it to the end of my driveway!

Suddenly, the sheer terror of not having any overwhelmed me. I saw the way that I pooh-poohed it most of my life maybe wasn’t exactly responsible or loving, for either me or other people who supported me.

The other day, I was noticing how money is a lot like food.

We are so sure that we know how much of it or how little of it would be good. Or bad.

Our story feels very real.

Something happens. You’re going along living your life and BOOM.

Someone says something concerning, or mean. Your feelings get hurt. You get scared. You get startled.

Through you mind floats images. You have feelings. You’re caught in a reaction. You see the future, and your imagination paints it very dark. Or you see the past (and maybe you have something that happened to you) and you remember it very dark.

For a moment right now, as you read this….

….consider who you would be without the belief that you need moremoney or food, or you need less money or food?

You don’t have to crush the incident that scared you, or what your mind is telling you.

You just don’t have to be so nervous, worried, upset or anxious about what happened and what could happen next.

Having good scary stories can make anyone as jumpy as a cockroach in a fryin’ pan!

So what would it be like to drop your stories?

“Wisdom comes with the ability to be still. Just look and just listen. No more is needed. Being still, looking, and listening activates the non-conceptual intelligence within you. Let stillness direct your words and actions.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without stories, without thinking going so crazy, you might get to see what non-conceptual intelligence actually feels like.

It’s very still.

It’s very silent.

And it’s very peaceful and kind and soft and loving.

Without the belief in more-or-less-is-required-for-me-to-be-happy you could even be astonished. And watch the sad or uncomfortable ending disappear into the unknown. 

Much love, Grace
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Help Is Available To Everyone At All Times

Wow, there were many callers on the volunteer Help Line yesterday morning.

I felt sorry to miss some of you–I found I couldn’t track people who may have written me to say they would call even if I emailed back saying “great!”

Yikes!

I remember the first time I volunteered for the Help Line (it was called the Work Hotline back then).

I scheduled two hours that I knew I would be available, letting people know that I’d be free within that window one morning.

I was loading the washing machine with dirty clothes, in the middle of cleaning dishes from the night before, and waiting for water to boil for morning tea….when my skype rang.

Who could that be?

I answered.

Oh! Someone is calling to do The Work!

I sat down on my couch, everything half done in my kitchen, and facilitated someone through the process, a little nervous, a little surprised, very honored.

I was amazed at the sweetness, the honesty, the sincerity.

I hung up with the sense of being so touched that a stranger would dial-in and expose their innermost worries, doubts and anger towards someone important in their life.

I got up and proceeded to carry on with my tasks, pushed down the lever on the electric kettle to re-boil the water for tea, when here came another incoming skype call.

Really? Wow!

Another dear inquirer, full of angst and concern, sharing their embarrassing thoughts.

Moved deeply again, my heart felt really big and full.

Then I got up to re-boil water for tea a third time….and now I really wanted tea and breakfast.

But you guessed it. Someone else called.

I facilitated one person after the other for the whole two hours. After it was over, more people still called even though my scheduled hours were complete. I worked past my planned time for awhile….and then turned off my computer.

Ever since I’ve been much more clear that the space scheduled for the Help Line when I volunteer my time is just one after the other, working with the next and then the next, and sometimes 5 or 8 people calling at once, and lots of messages to say for me to call back as soon as I can.

Today, I felt a little stressed when someone wrote that they felt disappointed at not being able to reach me.

If you’ve ever had this kind of feeling….

….you maybe worry that you’re disappointing someone, not doing a good enough or satisfying enough job for them….

….then this is a really, really good thought to question.

I need to help that person (and not disappoint them).

 

Is that true?

Yes! I really want only to be of service. I hate the thought that I’d frustrate someone even MORE than they already are, if they can’t reach me!

Is that absolutely true, that I need to help them–that it has to be me they reach? Is it really true that they’ll be MORE frustrated? Can I be sure of that?

No.

How do you react when you think you shouldn’t disappoint, and you do? How do you react when you have a picture in your mind of what it would look like to serve, and it’s impossible to achieve that with everyone?

Tired. Anxious. Bending over backwards. Trying too hard.

Who would you be without the belief that you need to answer every call, please other people, help other people, be of service in a certain way?

Ha ha! Very relieved.

“I never have the sense that anything I haven’t done is undone. I see the things that don’t get done as things that need a different timing; I and the world are better off without them, for now. I have hundreds of emails waiting for me on my computer, some of them from people who are desperately asking for my response, but I never feel frustrated that I don’t have time to answer them. I do the best I can, and I’m clear that people don’t need me; since we all come from the same wisdom, they can give themselves what they need if I’m not available. What really matters is always available to everyone. Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing has ever happened that didn’t need to happen.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World

I turn the thought around: I don’t need to help that person (and it’s OK if I disappoint them), I need to help myself and not disappoint myself, they need to help me and not disappoint me (they do, even the ones who I don’t make contact with).

This is the greatest practice for relaxing in the face of literally being unable to respond to everyone.
The way of it. Peace.
I’m also here for regular appointments or people joining upcoming teleclasses or Year of Inquiry or Breitenbush Summer Retreat or meetups in Seattle or Eating Peace 3-day intensive or all the other times I facilitate this work.
“If you want to be a great leader, you must learn to follow the Tao. Stop trying to control. Let go of fixed plans and concepts, and the world will govern itself.” ~ Tao Te Ching #57
Much love, Grace
P.S. I’ll be on the Help Line again this morning for 3 hours, and tomorrow morning for 4 hours. Call if you want. No guarantees. But oh so wonderful to be with you if we connect.

P.P.S. Click here to register for money teleclass.

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Terrible No Good Very Bad Days

As I went to sleep last night, and as I awoke again this morning, I noticed a feeling had followed me through the night.

Not exactly a light-hearted, fun-loving, desirable feeling.

No.

This felt like discouragement. A physical, sinking, low-energy feeling of something “not working”.

Have you ever noticed you stop having words or clarity about your feelings….but they just seem off?

So many talk and write about the human condition being one of attaching to ideas, and feelings, and following them without protest or question.

When my kids were little, one of my favorite books I read to them was called “Alexander and the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.”

We’ll still joke sometimes about horrible-terrible-no-good-very-bad days.

But here’s where they get a bit off the track….when you have this uncomfortable or low feeling….and you judge it in ways that make the situation even worse, even bigger, even more difficult.

Kinda like piling it on, like adding dry cedar logs to the fire, like giving yourself a kick when you’re already down.

I could feel that kind of energy knocking on the door.

It goes like this:

What is the source of this feeling? (Hardly pausing for even one second to really reflect, instead going fast to the next thought).

Hmmm, maybe it was something I ate. Maybe it’s the dreary gray sky and rainy weather. Maybe it’s my bank account. Maybe it’s hormones associated with menopause. Maybe I’ve been irresponsible around this need to find new health insurance for 2015 since I’m self-employed. Maybe I’m kidding myself that I could successfully run a business. Maybe I’ll never make a million dollars or pay off my house the way I’m planning.

You might have your own version.

It sneaks in and grows very rapidly sometimes.

I’ll never get there. I’ll never find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be where I want to be.

Life is hard. Bleh.

“I need to know why I’m feeling this sadish discontented discouragement.”

Is that true?

Yes. Then I can nip it in the bud next time.

So many fun things have happened in the past few weeks, what’s my problem anyway? JEEZUS.

Wait.

Are you sure you need to know why this ebb and flow, this downer time, this inner urge?

Are you sure it’s bad? Are you positive this is a no good very bad day?

Are you sure you can’t handle the grief, the sadness, the incident, the situation you remember….the life you’ve gone through?

No.

Who would you be without the belief that you need to perk up, this is unhappiness, there’s no hope, you SHOULD be discouraged, or that life is hard? Without the belief you need to find out why you’re not feeling so good today?

Even as the question comes out….something in me chuckles.

Without these thoughts…I look around where I am. I’m back in this moment, now, noticing the complete and utter silence in this room. Only the buzzing of the tiny refrigerator motor.

The walls, the pictures, the table, the chair, the fingers, the bookshelf, the darkness outside, everything very, very quiet.

Feeling what is right here, without thought, without discouragement, without plans for the future, without need for more, without needing to KNOW.

“Inquiry is grace. It wakes up inside you, and it’s alive, and there’s no suffering that can stand against it. It will take you over, and then it doesn’t matter what life brings you, ‘good’ or ‘bad’…..Even the most radical problem becomes just a sweet, natural happening, an opportunity for your own self-realization.” ~ Byron Katie

Staying right here is all that is needed.

Remember to ask “is it true?” and become very still.

No need to go anywhere, do anything, understand it thoroughly.

Whew, nothing required.

Much love, Grace

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Calendar Planning Made Easy

Last week I had an actual 2015 calendar planning week, with a new pocket calendar getting filled in and events getting scheduled.

It was weird.

It was the most organized, without trying to be organized, I’ve ever been.

Have you ever noticed that when you try to be organized, it often doesn’t exactly go the way you plan?

Sometimes….not having guarantees about the future, the calendar, THE PLAN….is stressful.

What if it doesn’t work out?

What if the plan turns out to be boring, or depressing, or something alarming happens like a broken leg, a theft, a missed connection, terrible weather, an uncomfortable conversation?

What if you’re getting together with your family, for example, and it’s not that fun and you came all that distance….and….and….

Remember, if you’re having a stressful moment like that….you can quietly excuse yourself for a moment, notice the painful thoughts screaming in your mind, and question them.

Or just one.

You only have to question ONE to often find a little gap in the stream of worry, doubt or anger.

“This isn’t going well.”

Is it true?

Yes. She said something so mean to me. I’m not having fun. They’re acting the same as they always do. I feel sad. I can’t handle this. I’m just not cut out for this I guess.

Are you sure? Really, really sure?

Well. No.

(A small smile might begin right here. On the inside. You might suddenly notice your surroundings, and how still they are, how safe you are, how things maybe aren’t as dramatic as you thought only 30 seconds ago).

Who would you be without the belief that it’s not going well….whatever it is?

No matter what the thing is you’re aware of….even that very alarming, frightening thing.

Who would you BE? What would you be? What would that be like, to not be positive it isn’t going well?

You might detach a little, just a little. You might ease up on the strength of your emotion. You might feel some space, a pause.

If you turned your thought all the way around, what would that be like? What if that were just as true, or even truer?

It IS going well. 

Can you find a real, genuine, actual example of how this is true? It can’t be an affirmation, that you’re hoping is true, it has to be something you really see.

We’re giving weight here to the opposite.

This “planning” session went well. I have fabulous events on the calendar. All the contacts with people this coming year sound sweet, incredible, exciting, touching.

I look forward to the calendar being so full.

I look forward to the beauty ahead. I look forward to the unexpected, to delayed flights, lost sleep, imperfect interactions, busy-ness, tons of invitations, lots of time spent working with groups of amazing and often suffering people, earning a good living, spending money, having adventures, paying bills, feeling uncomfortable, questioning the world.

Wow.

Who would you be without the belief that anything coming up on your calendar should go a certain way?

Free? Open?

Laughing?

“The simple truth of it is that what happens is the best thing that can happen. People who can’t see this are simply believing their own thoughts, and have to stay stuck in the illusion of a limited world, lost in the war with what is. It’s a war they’ll always lose, because it argues with reality, and reality is always benevolent. What actually happens is the best that can happen, whether you understand it or not. And until you understand it, there is no peace.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Self-Inquiry Is Only For YOUR Inner Revolution

The other day I got a wonderful letter, full of a really interesting core question, from an inquirer.

She said she felt more confused right now after doing The Work.

More lost, stuck and unable to move.

I had to find out more….and this news wasn’t that surprising.

About two years into my own process of doing The Work something happened inside me around this very idea of feeling trapped and passive when I turned my thoughts around into opposites.

One day, after doing The Work on a really, really, really difficult relationship I was in, I recognized a place inside me that was frightened and doing The Work with a motive.

What I mean by “motive” here is that I had an agenda, a plan for the outcome. I had thought I would do The Work, un-do my stress, and skip down the road happily with never a care in the world.

That person would no longer bother me, or frighten me, or hurt me.

But ah ha.

I have no idea why it happened, but I very suddenly “got” that I was acting like the battered women I used to puzzle over.

Why did they return, time and again, to the man who beat them up or almost killed them?

I went to a lecture once on domestic violence, and as the very wise and experienced psychotherapist spoke it occurred to me that the people who were battered and abused repeatedly were living in “hope” reality mixed with a cup or two of “I-must-be-positive-and-forgiving” inner dictatorship.

It wasn’t conscious, but it was deep.

It was believed so deeply because, without the belief that someone might change, without “hope”, the believer could be devastated, lost, crushed with the weight of the depressing truth.

I will smile and spread sunshine and lollipops and rainbows instead. And my boyfriend will get better and change.

Byron Katie herself helped me immensely on this. I told her I was doing The Work over and over again on the same very difficult, mad person.

She said….”How do you know you’re supposed to be angry?! YOU ARE!”

Oh.

Jeez.

I am ANGRY. I am STUCK. I am FRUSTRATED.

Duh!

Who would I be without the secret inner belief that I should be different, have different happy, detached feelings, and keep trying to “fix” myself or my environment or others when doing The Work?

I could have quit doing The Work right then. I could have given up and thought that questioning my mind was a waste of time, and didn’t lead me to the place I really wanted to be.

But instead it dawned on me that I could keep asking myself what was real, what was true (in fact I couldn’t have given up, I couldn’t have stopped asking).

I could find out what beliefs kept me feeling trapped, what prevented me from acting (if I was drawn to take action) or what prevented me from dropping the need to spend time with an addict boyfriend?

Why not break up and drop those conversations?

Why not find a new career and start earning money?

Why not get married?

Why not raise your hand and share in front of an entire audience?

Why not start your own business?

Why not start a free-form crazy dance-however-you-want event in Seattle and keep holding it even if at the beginning, only a few people show up?

Why not quit the daily rigid meditation routine (it served for a very, very long time) if there is no right or wrong, and I’m free?

Why not say NO?

What is freedom?

I started to refine, without trying so hard to do it, the thoughts I was questioning….to find out what was actually true for me.

That is, in the end, what doing The Work is for.

You.

If there are turnarounds that don’t feel right, if there are turnarounds that create depression, unhappiness, more confusion…then find out what’s right for you.

No need to dump everything you’ve ever done so far, unless you do.

“What is this inner revolution? To begin with, revolution is not static; it is alive, ongoing, and continuous. It cannot be grasped or made to fit into any conceptual model. Nor is there any path to this inner revolution, for it is neither predictable nor controllable and has a life all its own. This revolution is a breaking away from the old, repetitive, dead structures of thought and perception that humanity finds itself trapped in…Such a revolution requires an ongoing emptying out of the old structures of consciousness and the birth of a living and fluid intelligence. This intelligence restructures your entire being-body, mind, and perception. This intelligence cuts the mind free of its old structures that are rooted within the totality of human consciousness. If one cannot become free of the old conditioned structures of human consciousness, then one is still in a prison.” ~ Adyashanti

 

This is an ongoing process.

What I notice is I return to The Work continuously. I love the question “is it true?” and I love trying on turnarounds.

I love realizing I am the only one who can answer these questions, even if I love hearing from others what they get, what they have found, what they notice.

There is no ultimate guru….except you.

Much love, Grace