I had to chuckle yesterday….because two men wrote me who are interested in joining Year of Inquiry but they were worried about being the only man.
Men are so welcome!
In fact, they are often a part of retreats, meetups, and many teleclasses I’ve taught over time.
It is interesting that not as many men show up as women to do The Work…and there could be all kinds of reasons.
But who would you be without your thoughts about men, or women, or fitting in?
When I first began doing The Work in earnest it was soooo powerful to do The Work on my perceptions of people, including groups of people….all men, all women, rich people, poor people, indigenous people, vegetarian people, midwesterners, New Yorkers, people from every race and culture all over the planet.
It’s funny how the mind loves to define a group, and categorize them, and add descriptors the more you learn and know.
Then you use those descriptors as definitions to match up against some other situation, another moment, in which those people are doing what they’re doing. And BAM, you have proof of the truth.
It’s The Way They Are.
Instead…when you have a global collection of thoughts about a type of person…you could question it.
Why question it?
Because it’s so incredibly fun on the other side. So mind-blowing, so opening, so expansive, so mysterious and unknown and wild on the other side of belief.
So you have a thought “I will be the only one (man, woman, white, black, asian, divorced, old, short, straight)”.
Along with that kind of thought you feel separated, uncomfortable, like you’re in foreign territory.
How do you react when you have that “I’m the only one” belief?
A memory.
I’m pulling into the school parking lot. My hands suddenly feel shaky. I sound fake-chipper as I say “OK kids!” but my children are already getting out of the car, opening both doors in the back, jumping out.
They disappear across the playground. I stand beside the car for a moment, watching my children until they disappear, and then continue to watch all the kids stream in from buses, cars, heading for classroom doors.
I’m volunteering today, for the first time in over two years. Helping in the classroom for an hour.
I haven’t been here in awhile.
I have the thought “everyone will know I’m divorced.”
I’m the rotten, unlucky, loser mother who couldn’t stay married. They’ll have questions in their eyes, but they won’t ask because it’s not polite. They’ll feel sorry for me. The administrative staff won’t expect me to be around much. They’ll think I’m unreliable. Even if they don’t know what happened, they will think it’s bad. No one will want to get to know me.
How do you think I behaved when I believed that thought?
Quiet, smiling too much, unsteady and very uncertain anxiety all around me. Totally uncomfortable.
Who might I have been without all those separating stressful beliefs as I entered the school?
Who would you be without the thought that you’re the only one? That you know what they are thinking…and it’s bad?
Without the belief that I know what other people are thinking about me, I calm way down. I vibrate much slower, calmer, gentler.
When I hold still, and feel what it’s like without these kinds of worrisome thoughts, I notice something quite amazing.
I notice I adore these people. Without my beliefs about what they think of me, I find them beautiful. I feel joy about being with them, a centered, grounded, calm happiness.
Even with strangers, this happens! How remarkable!
Turning the thoughts around: I am not alone, I am infinitely connected and a part of a great, living, whole universe.
I am connected to the secretary, the teacher, the other parents I see in the hallways, the kids running by, the carpet, the windows, the table, the sounds of voices, the colors.
Without the thought that I am alone, the only one, the one who is different…I feel trusting, I let go.
I am grateful.
I turn the thought around again….I am the one who is believing I am bad. I am the one who is worried, upset, ashamed, nervous about who I am.
I am the one who thinks I am a failure, that I did something wrong, that I could be doing better.
Turn it around:
I’m the fresh, lucky, winning mother who did not to stay married. They will or won’t have questions, and some will easily ask and others won’t even think of it, no big deal. They’ll feel excited for me. They’ll expect great things with me and for me. They’ll think I’m reliable. Even if they don’t know what happened, they will think it’s wonderful. Everyone will want to get to know me.
Haha, now isn’t that more fun? And just as possible?
It’s all imagination.
“Think left and think right and think low and think high! Oh the things you can think up if only you try!” ~ Dr. Seuss
That’s what we do with The Work. We question our stressful, all-alone thinking, and open up to a whole new world of possibility.
Even if someone has said directly to you that you are an awful person and they hate you….can you start to imagine who you would be without the belief that it’s true?
You don’t have to go all the way to ecstatic gratitude or a huge feeling of love. This is open, blank, unknown awareness.
But you may be surprised. It may be easier than you think.
“The visionary starts with a clean sheet of paper, and re-imagines the world.” ~ Malcolm Gladwell
It all starts with questioning your painful thoughts.
If you are thinking of Year of Inquiry, there are still those two spots left…and these can be filled by any gender, any race, any age, any country, any time zone.
If you aren’t able to afford YOI right now, or wouldn’t be able to commit to a whole year, I have other ways you can be supported by The Work: shorter classes and calls you can join, meetups in Seattle and online retreats coming soon.
You can get what you need to question your troubling thoughts. You really can.
Much Love, Grace