Tired of the suffering cycle? Nothing left to try…except Inquiry.
Today I can’t wait to be at East West Bookstore in Seattle doing a little mini 3 hour workshop on eating, body image and our relationship to food…..and how to enter peace instead of war.
Doing The Work is of course my favorite tool and method of inquiry for working with stressful beliefs, and naturally inquiry is what we’ll be doing in the workshop.
HOWEVER.
When it comes to addiction, fear, compulsive behavior of any kind….
….when we’re doing things we hate ourselves for later, feeling needy, feeling upset, feeling angry, feeling like we want to escape or attack (the perfect pain points for addictive or compulsive behavior)….
….then it’s often hard to find WHAT it is you’re troubled by?
What would make me troubled enough to overeat when I don’t really want to, or smoke, or drink, or start house-cleaning, or surf the internet, or try to find someone to hook up with?
The thing is, moving into your compulsive favorite thing to do, if you have one (most people do, some are more destructive than others) is a REACTION to a belief you’re thinking.
You’ve already bought the belief.
You already assume it’s true, and it’s frightening, aggravating, infuriating, and it feels hopeless.
So you do the behavior instead (in my case, I ate, and sometimes drank or smoked cigarettes or over-exercised).
It kind of works for a little bit, when you’re hunting down the substance and caught in the energy of your compulsive pattern.
When I went into the addictive behavior, I would not be aware any more of what was bothering me, and instead, I’d be thinking about eating, the food I would buy, the taste, smell and feeling of it as I devoured it. The anticipation was all-consuming and overwhelming. It was mesmerizing. Obsessive. Nothing else existed hardly, except getting my fix.
With such a wild energy taking over, the energy we’re calling “addictive”, it is actually a bit tricky and difficult to put on the brakes and see what’s hidden.
Why?
Because what’s hidden is SO PAINFUL.
I’d rather not take a look at it. Do I have to? Can’t I just eat instead? Or get stoned? Or run 10 miles and beat my body into a pulp of exhaustion? Or have sex in a bathroom with a stranger?
You can. I did.
But it wasn’t ultimately satisfying. It was shameful, embarrassing, I felt horrible later, and it kept me on the cycle I refer to as CRIME – GUILT – PUNISHMENT.
You committed a crime, you’re guilty, you must be punished. You feel horrible and gross, you vow never to do it again, and then….
….the background underground haunted old pain starts to wake up, since you’re not busy hating yourself as much, and it starts to get louder.
Sooner or later, when it gets too loud to tolerate, you need to do the thing again, the thing that helps you forget about it.
Let me tell you, I am so happy not to be in that severe cycle anymore I kiss the ground with gratitude.
It doesn’t mean I don’t do it in smaller, much more subtle doses. For example, I’ve noticed a tendency to compulsively try to be pleasing to people so they’ll relax, calm down, like me, or become safer for me. This compulsion to be in communication with others in a pleasing way shows up sometimes by me withholding what I really want, or not saying what’s really true. (We’ll talk about that another day).
Here’s what’s important for stopping a cycle of compulsive thinking, and then compulsive acting, that zips you away from seeing what you ultimately really WANT to see, even if it’s painful.
First, decide you want to see what’s going on, what’s hidden. Part of you already DOES want to see it….encourage that part.
Then, notice these two options.
Old Way, Defensive Way, Conditioned Way (called “Believing Your Thoughts”):
You feel something uncomfortable. It’s stressful.
You feel scared you did something wrong, or you’re being rejected or you’re a bad person.
You quick move to the other person or people involved.They’re doing it wrong….not just you. They might be the primary ones to blame.
Run away from those people, they’re bad, OR, Fight those people, they’re bad.
Deal with your anxiety, or the sense you’ve had a close call with something frightening by _____ (fill in the blank with your favorite compulsion: eat, drink, sex, smoke, read, internet, spend)
Forget about it all for awhile. Relief. Oblivion.
New Way, Loving Way, Freedom Way (called “Questioning Your Thoughts”):
You feel something. It’s stressful.
You feel scared you’re doing something wrong, or you’re being rejected, or you’re a bad person—or that someone else is.
Pause. Write down your thoughts. What’s disturbing you?
Do The Work and answer the four questions, innquiring about yourself with curiosity and self-care, and compassion.
Notice that you’re OK without doing anything. See if you can BE. Use your speedy fast mind and your imagination to wonder what it would be like without your story? What if you’re not seeing the whole picture, or the true picture?
Clearly see options for yourself you didn’t see before. Notice how dealing with your internal world is what you always wanted, not to run away from it. Notice how brilliant you’ve been so far with your compulsions, and now, you’re becoming aware of a more expansive view. You are safe.
When you’re finished moving through the steps in the old way, the old pattern, it’s just a matter of time until you DO your compulsive behavior again.
When you’re finished moving through the steps in the new, alternative way, you often take action. You go back to the person you’re most afraid of, and ask them any questions perhaps. You say “no” or you say “yes” with much greater clarity. You no longer feel confusion. You ask for what you need more directly. You get help.
Which way seems like the better one, the more interesting way, the more fun way?
I really had no other option if I wanted to stay alive, than to take the second road, even though part of me wanted to Not Look and thought it was easier following the first road.
It wasn’t.
It was hell.
Who would you be with inquiry, instead of believing your stressful stories?
Caring far more about my thinking, than what I’m eating or not eating, doing or not doing.
“You’re either believing your thoughts, or you’re questioning them.There’s no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie
When did that stressful quality, or idea, first ever occur to you? Do The Work on that situation. The end of continuously being against the same thing, over and over again. The end….of suffering.
Her eyes were moving about the room quickly as she spoke, looking at me, then away, talking fast. We were sitting in my little cottage where she had come for a mini-retreat session to do The Work.
We had three hours together, set up so we could dive in more deeply and uncover a significant stressful experience she had been noticing in her life.
In the middle of telling a story about a neighbor who lived in her condominium complex who irritated the heck out of her, she commented on the calendar on my wall, then mentioned a co-worker who was incredibly annoying in the same way as the neighbor, then said how much she liked the old school desk I have by the entrance to the cottage and asked “do you live here”?
(I nodded yes).
She then said she realized something important about this whole idea of questioning the stories playing in our heads: They’re almost exactly the same.
Her comment struck me as very wise.
On that note, I asked her who her neighbor, and her co-worker, reminded her of? When was it she first found this quality in a human being annoying? When did it first occur to her that someone shouldn’t act they way these two women acted in her life?
Her mom.
I’ve had the same insights before….but the other day, after talking with this fairly new client, I thought I’d take my own inquiry deeper with someone who I know who I found just ever so slightly annoying, not a big major deal.
But it was a quality I had noticed in other people prior to him.
So I thought “this person sure isn’t very significant in my life, we don’t cross paths much, so who else is he reminding me of?”
Oh. Weird. Right.
Dad.
The thing is, I don’t always see the difficult and disturbing qualities I learned about in the presence of my father, because I loved my dad so much, and he’s been gone a long time (almost 25 years).
It’s felt like betrayal, or “rude” to criticize my dad, or to find fault in his actions, words or behaviors. Part of me wanted only the good dad images and memories. I didn’t want to see the parts I found troublesome, or sad, or imperfect.
Plus, the uncomfortable memories of my dad were kind of murky. Not as crystal clear as this acquaintance I found myself criticizing, who just bugged me last week.
Which is what is so great about day to day living.
Anything unfinished, unresolved, any upsetting stories about people in the world you find painful in the past….
….can reappear in your current life.
If you do The Work regularly, you may have already noticed you’ve got the very same kinds of qualities written down that you dislike, over and over again, in other people.
My personal favorites are “neediness” and “controlling”.
I love the question Byron Katie asks from time to time….”when did this thought FIRST occur to you?”
Suddenly I was flashing on a vivid memory of my dad, holding the yellow kitchen phone to his ear with the long yellow cord. He’s saying “Yes, OK…Sure, OK, Yes, Sure, Yes.”
When he hangs up with some force a moment later, he says “Goddamnit! Can’t they find anyone else to volunteer? I’ve been giving so much time, but they’re still bothering me for more!”
I take in this picture of my dad. Upset. Person on the other end of the line making him upset. Don’t say no to people, though….you should say yes (like my dad). Some important reason why NOT saying no is vital.
Now I’ve got a situation to write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on. I can find my beliefs about my dad, and also the person on the other end of the phone line he was speaking to. I can discover what I began to believe right in that moment, what I set up as true.
Awesome…..let’s get to work, undoing the suffering, thinking I knew what was going on when my dad was upset, and how people “should” act, and what “shouldn’t” be happening.
Maybe I didn’t know. Maybe nothing’s set in stone.
“Inquiry is grace. It wakes up inside you, and it’s alive, and there’s no suffering that can stand against it.” ~ Byron Katie
We’re in Month #10 of Year of Inquiry. The final quarter of the year.
Our topic is to go to your worst fears, your deepest stressful beliefs, your experience of loss, endings, death, goodbyes.
You don’t have to conjure up a horrible scenario (although this can be really fascinating to do with The Work–to look at what frightens you most and take it to inquiry).
We’re looking sincerely at what’s occurring in life, how we’re feeling about All This, and writing down what we think about it.
Now here’s a weird thing going on with people in Year of Inquiry, and it’s happened before.
Some are facing the illness of people they love, or recent near-death of someone they know, or a slightly new chapter on a life situation like a job ending, a decision looming, separation from their partner. Someone even began yesterday with a one-month sabbatical from their work, coinciding with this topic of change, fear, loss, or worry.
Maybe, it’s just that people when doing The Work as a regular practice month to month begin to get to the core underlying beliefs they really, truly, honestly want to question.
Our greatest worries and fears.
One incredibly powerful expression uttered by Byron Katie is the following saying that knocked my mind open the first time I heard it, and it still blows me away: “The only problem, is an unquestioned thought.”
Wait….what?
With all the difficulty, sadness, grief, shock and horrifying things that happen in the world….
….can it really be true that the thoughts about what’s happening is what causes the most pain?
The mind will race around, ready to argue that if you accept what is, you won’t “fight” for what’s right, or help change the world, or change your own life for the better.
Surely, says the mind, it’s the event, the way something happened, the way that person acted, the words I heard, the thing I lost….
….that created pain.
Right?
If it had not happened that way, then I’d be fine.
Are you sure, though?
Are you positive you can’t be fine, even with all the sh*t that went down? Are you absolutely sure you can’t be happy, even though you lost him or her or that?
Who would you be without your story that when “x” happens (death, pain, cancer, bankruptcy, divorce, injury, conflict, mental illness)….
….It. Is. Awful.
What if the opposite was true?
What if something, at least one thing, came out of whatever happened……that served me, or someone else?
What if it simply wasn’t as devastating as I thought? What if, even though people die, or I will die, I can trust the way it goes?
I notice death and endings and loss happen.
What if this is the way of it, reality…..and it’s OK? Even good? Or atleast undetermined and unknown?
Can I really know as much as God or the whole totality of the universal plan? Can I be sure of what I’m seeing when using only my mind to decide what’s good and what’s bad?
Can I really know the things I’ve learned, or believed, to be terrible…..ARE terrible?
No. I can’t answer “yes” honestly.
I do not know that what I believe to be horrific, or devastating, or terrifying eternally fundamentally is horrific.
When something seriously difficult has happened, I’ve hated it at first maybe, or been afraid, but I’ve lived through it (so far)….
….and I can’t find a time I didn’t learn something, grow in some way, change for the better, find connection with others, become amazed by the support available, or find love at the bottom of the fear.
Try it for yourself.
Find the worst thing that ever happened to you.
Write it down, so you don’t switch around the words or get tricky or decide you’d rather not look at this troubling thought.
Take it to inquiry.
It may be the best thing you ever did for yourself….to question your mind.
“And then the full horror of the situation appeared…..Immediately inquiry arose: ‘I am this’–is it true? Is it true that I am this forever? How do I react when I believe that? What would I be without the thought?….Thought and questions arose at the same instant and canceled each other out. The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort….I wanted nothing other than what is.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
If you’d like to sit in the presence of Byron Katie via live video as they stream her silent retreat from Switzerland July 9-12 (only 6 weeks away) then please join me for only $165 to attend the entire event in a large, very comfortable, private retreat lodge in far northeast Seattle area. Already half full, there is space for you if you need/want to spend the night (for a very reasonable additional fee–please let me know if you’re interested).
Last year we filled to the max (24) so I encourage you to sign up now. If you can only attend a part of the retreat, you will still have individual access to the videos of Katie for a minimum of one day (everyone will get to sign up for their favorite additional personal viewing time–when they can log-in by themselves in their own home through August 31st.)
Being With Byron Katie retreat is a once-a-year experience and no other retreats are like it. Our local Seattle event will be held in silence in between all sessions with Katie, and we’ll watch all sessions on a huge flat screen, and listening together.
To sign up for this amazing (and remarkably inexpensive way to be with Katie for 4 days) please click HERE.
Trying hard to be careful….can hurt you (and Breitenbush special gift)
Leaving home to get together with a group to explore and learn something or travel to distant lands is a pretty common human activity.
It’s also a pretty huge hassle sometimes, and requires a lot of resources and the right circumstances. Job, money, time, freedom to go.
I have to get this body from here to there. Here, I am in my comfortable home where I’m used to the bed, the bathroom, I know where anything I need is stored, there is no issue of uncertainty about finding water, bathing, toothpaste, cupboards holding food I myself have purchased.
Going somewhere requires getting in a vehicle, buying a plane ticket or a train ticket, spending other money to make sure you have what you think will bring you comfort, saying goodbye to friends and family and the familiar….
….and uncertainty.
What will it look like, what will happen? Will I be uncomfortable? Can I find what I need when I’m there (not here)? Will I be able to relax? Will I be threatened in some way, no matter how small? Will there be bugs, or strange noises, or weird people?
It’s funny how the mind will activate and start flashing pictures before your eyes of why NOT to do something new, go someplace different, travel, explore, move, change, see something unusual.
Even if staying home is boring, same same, too comfortable, unfulfilling, or maybe fraught with abrasive family relationships that aren’t that fun.
Better stay at least in the familiar. It could be worse.
I find the mind has the same kind of worry, avoidance, and discomfort with the internal landscape of who we are.
The mind will say…..
….this right here can’t be “it”, can’t be enough. This right here is not entirely fulfilling. Maybe this right here, my life as it is, actually has some discord and tension. Arguments with co-worker, spouse, child, parent, neighbor.
But don’t try anything different!
It could be worse!
It’s like the mind, or that way of thinking, is peppered or infused with what I like to call “careful” syndrome.
Be careful. Life is tricky. Anything could happen. Watch out. Don’t be reckless. Don’t go overboard. Don’t try it. Do not jump. Don’t make that move. You’ll regret it. I said be careful!!
Sounds like a nervous parent, doesn’t it?
But are you sure you need to be careful? Is this actually true? Are you positive this carefulness is required, or the best approach to life? Or the least dangerous?
Whew.
No.
I’ve felt a lot of twisted up tightness and unhappiness when believing I need to be careful. And I have NO idea if my carefulness ever, ever prevented something bad from happening.
I’m pretty sure that me being careful has never meant safety.
Could life be worse?
Now, that’s an interesting question. We have NO IDEA what will occur in the future, not even for sure tomorrow or even 6 minutes from now. It’s sooooo goofy that the mind can even come up with this imaginary scenario that it could be worse.
I actually don’t know it’s true. It could be something might happen, and even if it’s big and dramatic, or scary….it’s NOT worse.
How do you react when you think you should be careful? Or else (worse, bad, terrible)?
I stay home. I work a lot. I keep busy in a weird kind of way that prevents silent time and opening up to deeper thinking. I skip meditating. I push towards some of the same goals. I don’t have conversations that might be important to have….uncomfortable ones. I don’t bring up things I feel anxious to speak about. I don’t make changes. I don’t try anything truly different. I don’t travel, physically, or internally.
Who would you be without this story of You Needing To Be Careful?
Huh.
The strangeness of being without this thought suddenly comes forward. I notice how much care and effort I’ve made in my life to be cautious, tentative, not plunge in, wait, hesitate, decide against something.
What if I didn’t think my children should be careful? What if carefulness wasn’t required? What if taking care, in this anxious way, didn’t prevent “bad” things from happening? What if everything happened, whether I was taking care or not? What if it truly was not necessary whatsoever, or even possible, to Be Careful?
Gulp.
Mind blown.
Turning the belief around:
I do not have to be careful. There is no WORSE way for it to be. It’s THIS way, the way it is. It could be BETTER.
Wow, it could be better. Change could offer something interesting. Staying the same, and relaxing with it, could also offer something interesting.
My thinking and the story my thoughts invent make things worse. I scare myself with my imagination. (Ha ha, isn’t that the truth)?
And what if I lived this turnaround, that things might be better, or unknown and mysterious (yay) and what if I was willing to have anything happen?
What if I could sense in my bones the feeling of looking forward to anything that happens?
Yes, anything.
No resistance. No bracing myself for the blow, or being exceptionally careful so it doesn’t hurt so bad, or blocking and avoiding so I don’t get over-stimulated or exhausted. No walking on eggshells. No holding back.
It doesn’t mean, oh no….I’m now going to hurt myself or other people. It’s not swinging to the complete opposite “I’ll be CARELESS!” like now I’ll try to jump off the roof because dang-it I want to see what it’s like to fly for two seconds!
It’s not running wildly through a china shop knocking over everything, or doing this to the inside of my psyche and my inner world and freaking myself out.
But it is expanding my world into far more possibilities.
It feels, when I live the turnaround and feel the turnaround “I do not HAVE TO be careful” like I trust something about reality. I’m here, willing to be here, looking forward to being here until I’m not.
This feels deeply joyful. It feels like a place beyond this mental outlook or worrying story. It feels full of wonder.
Wonder, and awe, and many adventures and travels.
Who are you, without the story that you need to watch out, or be careful?
Don’t Make Lists by Dorothy Walters
Every day a new flower rises
from your body’s fresh soil.
Don’t go around looking
for fallen petals
in a fairy tale, when you’ve
got the golden plant
right here, now,
shooting forth in light from your eyes,
your awakening crown.
Don’t make lists, or explore ancient accounts.
Forget everything you know
and open.
Are you ready for an adventure of the inner AND outer kind?
There is such an adventure for those who are called, at Breitenbush Hotsprings Resort and Conference Center in eastern Oregon deep in the old growth forest. It’s a stunning physical setting, and your physical body is well nourished and cared for with silent bathing pools to use (outside of our retreat sessions), delicious vegetarian home-cooked meals full of vegetables and fruits, and the air filled with emerald green ancient trees.
The beds are all exquisite (I stay right there every year and sleep so well, it’s amazing). The night is so silent and dark, it’s a drastic comparison to city and town life. No cell service, no internet. You’ll unplug
And on the inside, we investigate with mind, heart and soul. We start with The Work on an important and difficult issue in our lives, someone we’re at odds with, something we find disturbing. We get to spend time with our perspective and take it through this most powerful form of self-inquiry. We get to wonder about new ways to see, like not being so careful, not feeling stuck or squished in our lives.
Breitenbush Summer Retreat is less than a month away. There are only a few spaces left, and a few of those delicious beds. Call them to register today, before they open up the beds to the general public. Click here: Breitenbush for all the information you need to call them, and find many questions answered.
At Breitenbush, we do The Work, take silent breaks, eat in silence together, share facilitation with others, share in our group, walk the labyrinth with inquiry (yes, they have a labyrinth), walk through lush, soft green trails of gigantic trees and wild purple rhododendrons, schedule a massage, soak in the springs, dance on Saturday night in the great lodge hall, and expand our vision, together.
We nurture ourselves by being with ourselves directly. Not carelessly, not fearfully with the kind of care that makes us small….
….but with curiosity, and an opening mind.
Won’t you come join us forgetting what you know to be true that brings you sadness, confusion, irritation and suffering?
Beginners to The Work are totally welcome. Experienced are also very welcome. A beautiful collection of people always arrive. Ready to explore the inner and the outer by stepping away from normal life for 5 days.
Not much time left, if you call very soon you’ll still have some excellent lodging choices…..and some excellent new turnaround choices for your life.
“Don’t be careful, you could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace
P.S. I am so touched to let you know of a beautiful offer: If you are seriously considering Breitenbush but concerned about the money, we have an angel donor who is offering some scholarship aid for lodging. She loves the work, has done many programs with me, and wants to support someone attending. Please write grace@workwithgrace.com to learn more and send me an email.
Recently in the Eating Peace Core Teleclass I guided everyone through filling out a Judge Your Body worksheet.
The thing about worksheets on the body, is if you pause for two seconds and think about the body, the criticism or worry or judgments of it are…..well….infinite.
For the purposes of eating peace, we look in a concentrated way at appearance and all the associations we make with needing to look a certain way and how the mind concludes that we’re doing something wrong, we’re ugly, we need to fix our eating or exercise program. Obviously.
Astonishing how quickly the mind directs attention to solving the problem. Let’s fix this! Go! Go! Go!
It races off to find a solution without even taking a look at the original concept: this is wrong.
Now, here’s where it can get even more interesting.
Take a dive into WHY you need this body to look NOT like this, but another way, and actually allow yourself to see what it is you truly want.
Why did I want a thin body (or, to be attractive)? What would it give me? What would I have, if I had that Other Better Body?
It’s OK to admit your desires without embarrassment or shame.
What do you see your mind has locked in on, without discernment, without question, without inquiring, believing the assumption hook-line-and-sinker?
You need to be thin (thinner). You are fat. That cellulite is ugly. That belly is disgusting. I need these to change because other people think these same thoughts about me when they see me. And then, I am rejected. I am not picked. I am alone. I am abandoned.
Is any of this true?
Yes, oh yes, oh yes. It would be better to have thin, smooth, flat, long, tight, strong thighs. Says the mind, the eyeballs looking with the view of “corrective lenses”.
But are you absolutely sure what you’re thinking is accurate and true?
I always found I was so convinced people would like me, find me appealing, attractive, interesting. Almost like my survival depended on it. I would be abandoned without looking amazing. My mom, my dad, my grandparents all agreed. I heard them say things when I was young. They even talked about themselves negatively. I can tell this thin-thing is important. And I want their love!
There’s a book for this, written by a sage and wise woman Byron Katie: “I Need Your Love–Is That True?”
People in the Eating Peace Core class said….but….wait a second.
If I don’t think I’m ugly, or fat, or need to do something….
….then I will never, ever change!!
It’s true, in my experience, that I’ve been drawn to look at my mind and my beliefs because of noticing that when I thought them, I suffered. I would perhaps never have done The Work without suffering, I don’t know for sure—I do see that conflict, sadness, agony, hatred, judgment and criticism felt painful, and I wanted to stop feeling like it was all unbearable, intolerable, not worth living through.
But here’s a great question:
Are you SURE you need to hate yourself, or your body, in order to assist it to change? Are you sure you need to judge, despise, and criticize yourself the second you see your thighs in a window (that’s how fast it happens, when you’re conditioned deeply)?
Are you sure you actually need what you think a great body would get you (their love and adoration)?
I thought a great body would get me romance, acceptance, attention, maybe even fame.
News Flash: it didn’t.
How do you react when you believe your body size and shape, if it were “right”, would bring you happiness?
You make sure you do everything humanly possible to keep your body in “admirable” shape. Without addressing your deepest fears and suffering, or conflicted thoughts. It’s a lot of work.
So who would you be without your belief system about thinness, fatness, needing to limit eating, needing to control yourself, needing to fix who you really are?
Hold very still as you contemplate this answer.
Who is asking this question? Who is doing the looking at the body? Have you noticed the body doesn’t look back at you? It’s just there, being itself. YOU are the one who is looking. An observer.
Can you look with the eyes of a three-year old who doesn’t have all these judgments piled on yet? How about with the eyes of someone loving, supportive, kind, attentive, and gentle? How does God look at this body? How does Reality see these thighs? Can you look, just for a second, without your bitter judgment?
You CAN. Because it’s just as possible for you as the critical way. And it feels much better. It feels secure, patient, solid, unconditional.
How do you think your eating will change more easily…..if you HATE the way you look, or LOVE the way you look?
Watch my video telling what happened for me when I did The Work on my ugly, cellulite-filled, repulsive thighs.
Are you sure if you think you’re beautiful, no matter how imperfect, and accepting….that you’ll never be thin?
Well you might as well at least try seeing with different eyes. Note to self: looking with criticism and hatred hasn’t worked so far to make you change.
If you think someone is your enemy because you said “no”….do The Work (and it doesn’t mean you say “yes” when you’re through)
A weird thing happened with a friend and colleague.
Have you ever been torn up about hurting, disappointing, or making someone else anxious because you said “no”?
Well….I have a friend. We were on the very same page with shared interests in spirituality, philosophy, mindfulness–intrigued by the same topics and the recovery process from addiction and other difficult human conditions.
Even though we lived pretty far away from each other, and little time or space, she’d share a link on facebook chathead from a lecture she heard, then I’d ask her about her recovery process a few years earlier and how the info in the lecture applied. Then I’d send a video link, or a book review. She’d reply.
It was like two colleagues sharing research in many ways, and also knowing a bit (certainly not all) of each others’ details of personal history.
I’m fascinated by recovery from addiction, intrigued by learning how to teach and facilitate better myself, and totally inspired with peoples’ stories of transformation, in every way.
So this friend asked me if I could have a conversation, instead of sharing research information the way we typically had.
We had a long talk, while I walked with bluetooth headset in my ears, on a Thursday evening. She shared more of her personal story. It was a close, long conversation. I was walking so it felt OK to take that time–over an hour….out enjoying the fall air.
I remember going around the block a few times at the end of that walk-n-talk in the cool, dark fall evening, waiting to wrap the conversation and get inside to my husband and daughter who might worry if I’m gone for a super long time on a walk. I remember checking my phone.
Later, another request for a phone call. And how ‘about she travel to my town for tea? It took several months, but I eventually agreed and we met at a coffee house for a conversation about a few of our favorite important authors and using drama and theater as therapy.
I really loved the material. I had (still have) a huge appetite for knowledge. I could probably question the usefulness or sanity of this thirst at times, but mostly it’s wonderful. I am an intense reader. This mind apparently loves to gather information.
But after the tea, the communication escalated.
How about another tea? Oh, you can’t make it? I’ll come to anywhere, how about across the street from your house?
Rats. I really don’t want to.
I’ve had other amazing and brilliant people ask me for coffee/ tea to talk about how to build their private practices, or talk about doing The Work with their clients, or they say “I’d love to pick your brain”.
This felt like the time requested was just….too much. Not available. Not interested, not drawn.
I could feel when it became a “no” as I’m reading the request to get together again in person. And a little clutch of something uncomfortable in my stomach, not unlike the feeling on the walk the previous autumn, when it took 30 minutes to say goodbye.
I’ll disappoint her. But I like her, she’s truly interesting. But I’ll hurt her feelings. But we’re on the same page. But this particular request has red flags all over it because why is she coming to my neighborhood all the way from an hour away? And it would be insulting to ask for fees so I can schedule it during work hours (plus she doesn’t have the money).
Something’s off. Something wanted here, that isn’t being expressed. Something’s hungry.
I just feel like running away. I feel a flash of alarm.
I tell her I don’t have time for my own mother over the past year (quite true). My time feels very precious and very focused. I tell her I’m actually going more screen-free (true on all accounts) and I delete the messenger chat head app thing. Too much distraction happening, all day long with beeps, vibrates and buzzers.
Now, here’s where something stressful occurred.
I experienced relief. No more facebook on my phone, killing the battery life. Including less interaction with this friend. Me doing less wild consuming of knowledge overall. Me backing off in my own “spiritual hunt” (I’ve talked about the agony of spiritual seeking in other Grace Notes, jeez). I stop having consultations with any teachers myself.
I feel space. I feel greater quiet. Ahhhhhh.
Then a long email letter arrived. From this same friend.
Upset with my silence, my non-responsiveness, my email reply saying I’m not available and that she’s disappointed and frustrated with our relationship.
I’ve been here before with other people I care about. This is not unfamiliar.
“Unless I meet their needs (demands) they’ll be disappointed. If they’re disappointed, I’ll be the target, the one who is causing their disappointment. They’ll blame me. They’ll feel rage towards me.”
OK now….note: there was no other expression, no actual rage, no one even in the room. This was all what I noticed happening in my own head and gut feeling as I read an upset email. I even felt guilty. She said she was only following my lead with communication frequency. She said she wanted to develop the friendship further. She said she cared about me and was very confused.
Heart sinking. I’m a fast writer. I’m intense. I shouldn’t have asked so many questions or answered them. I should never get close to someone via technology. I screwed up. I’m the one facebook chat-heading too much. I’m a shitty person, unclear, passive, wrong. This is my fault. I should have been able to see she was tender, vulnerable, not very strong. I should have taken more care. I should, this should, it should, oh no.
STOP. (Do you hear the back-up truck beeping??!)
I know when I move into “I am a shitty person” thoughts, then I’m deflecting, out of the actual situation, into attacking myself….
….and holding the belief as absolutely TRUE that something has gone wrong.
Has it?
I shouldn’t disappoint anyone, ever. If they’re needing my attention, I should say “yes” and help out. If I say “no” they’ll be disappointed, or desperate, or angry, and feel crushed.
Is this all actually true?
Yikes. This belief system goes way back. I feel like a little kid. I feel like saying “yes, it’s true”.
But I can’t absolutely know it. I’m here. I’ve survived other important people wanting my time and attention very, very badly. No one is following me around right now. Nothing terrible is happening.
Having this story is intense, though.
Pictures of someone committing suicide because I say “no”, even though this has not occurred directly in my life, but it’s been threatened in the past. I’m the savior, they are suffering horribly.
Pictures of a depressed, unhappy, lonely person in need of rescuing. I sometimes have pictured my dad this way–but I’ve done The Work and I’m very honestly don’t feel the truth of this anyore–and the images still appear. Lonely sad guy. No friends. Needs cheering up. I should do the cheering. Or else.
So who would I be without this story, that this friend needs me to say “yes” in order for us both to be happy?
Wham.
Back in my own business. Standing here, willing to be destroyed, if that’s what happens in the future. Staying in my integrity rather than pretending my “no” isn’t real.
Willing to risk finding out what happens when I say “no” rather than assuming it will be a repeat of “bad” emotional situations in the past when other people got disappointed.
Without the thought, I’m entering the unknown.
Sometimes this Question Four can feel very discombobulating. Quite weird. Without control. Like a WARNING sign is blinking, but you’re walking forward anyway.
Who would you be without the belief that if someone else is disappointed, it’s your fault, or that you can even fix it and make it better?
As I sink into considering this, I feel a distant idea come into focus.
I can relax. Feel compassion for the friend, for me, for anyone who has ever wished for more of my time and not gotten it the way they wanted it.
I turn the story around:
“Unless I meet MY needs THEY will be disappointed, and so will I. Unless they meet their own needs, I’ll be disappointed. If they’re disappointed, I’ll WON’T be the target, the one who is causing their disappointment. I’ll blame me, they won’t. I’ll feel rage towards them, or towards myself.”
Who was disappointed first? Remember the long walking phone call where I “couldn’t get off the phone”? Who didn’t hang up and say goodbye clearly? Am I expecting them to read my mind?
Am I expecting myself to read theirs?
I noticed in my situation with this friend, I didn’t ask some questions because I thought it was rude, or too personal. The answers, however, might have been important for me, and changed the course of the communication.
I notice I’ve got this way of giving everyone what is called the ‘benefit of the doubt’. It doesn’t really mean giving benefit. It means I am passive, so I avoid speaking up about my worries or concerns and therefore don’t have to worry that someone will be insulted by my questions.
Benefit of the Doubt means I don’t let the Other know, whoever they are, that I’m not comfortable in their presence, or I’m picking up on something I can put my finger on. It means I hide.
So much egg-shell walking.
And who am I trying to protect?
Me.
Some part of me, when living in unquestioned thoughts about sharing honestly, doesn’t want to do anything that would result in big emotions, big feelings, big expressions of feelings.
My rule (stressful belief): NO ONE GET UPSET! (Including me).
And here we arrive at a deep, beautiful, abiding, sweet turnaround so many people long to feel.
It’s perfectly OK to feel very deeply, and strongly.
Just because humans do things a little crazy sometimes when they feel deeply (like hurt people, or themselves, or yell, or break things, or panic) doesn’t mean they ALWAYS will hurt people when they feel deeply.
Today I heard a very interesting scientific fact, mentioned by Steven Hayes the founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
He said humans are by far the most compassionate primates.
We so love connecting with each other, and understanding one another.
Sometimes, however, connecting is excruciatingly uncomfortable. There are feelings of worry, loss, suffering, sadness, and disappointment.
But it doesn’t have to mean terror, or death, or horror.
It can just mean….here we are bumbling along, not knowing how things will unfold, taking space, coming back together, moving away again, reconnecting….
….but basically caring the whole time.
She should have written to me, she should have been disappointed, she should have been upset, demanding, worried, sad, over-the-top, asking too much, confusing.
Because she was. We’re like that sometimes.
And it doesn’t mean I change my mind, if I don’t.
“It’s not possible for something to be against you. There’s no such thing as an enemy; no person, no belief, not even the ego is an enemy. It’s just a misunderstanding: we perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it….Your enemy is the teacher who shows you what you haven’t healed yet. All enemies are your kind teachers, just waiting for you to realize it. (And that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe. If there’s anything I’m afraid of losing, I have created a world where enemies are possible, and in such a world there’s no way to understand that whatever I lose I am better off without.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
who would you be without your story of being trapped in failure? flying free.
Because so many people have seen me in my coach Selena’s films as a successful student, I’ve been getting a lot of feedback from many awesome people (including my mom) about how inspiring my story is.
Night before last, I went to my good friend Mary’s dance in Seattle.
When I entered the dark beautiful dance space always lit with twinkly lights, she pulled me aside and whispered “OMG! I watched your video of your interview with Selena Soo. Wow. You’ve come so far, it’s just amazing. I remember when you almost lost your house….and by the way, you should write a Grace Note blog on that. I want to read it.”
When someone tells me to write about something, I do it.
So, although I’ve mentioned bits and pieces of the time I almost lost my home and most of what I owned….I remembered it vividly last night.
I was failing terribly. When it comes to money.
As in….back then I was so broke I couldn’t jump over a nickel to save a dime (as my Texas grandma might say).
My financial failure was one of the worst experiences of my life.
And yet, as I say this, I know the brilliant and simple question….is that true?
Oh. Right. Not really.
The story felt awful, kept me up at night, filled me with fretting. I tried to plan and count money, watched my bank account diminish day by day. It seemed like the worst that could happen.
It went something like this:
Divorce, need to get a job, economy crash, twenty job interviews, sweating bullets, picking up a Starbucks application, awake every night at 3:30 am, borrow several thousand from a very kind family member (ashamed to ask for it, desperate), still no job, better sell house (sob), wringing hands during open houses, getting offers so low they wouldn’t pay off my mortgage anyway, sell most of what I have of value (furniture, dishes, jewelry, clothes), my kids go on reduced lunch at school, I’m eligible for food stamps but I refuse to apply, crying at night looking around my little cottage knowing the mortgage was due–again–and not having the funds.
Constant nervous energy. I learn about a dance in Seattle called Ecstatic Dance. You don’t have to talk to anyone. Good. Dance. Keep moving. I can’t afford to pay the $10, but I can trade cleaning for attending the dance.
I meet a lovely man at dance. I begin to make some new friends. No one knows how broke I am. I’m doing The Work at home on money. I’m realizing that moving into my mom’s basement might not be as bad as I think. More job interviews. One interview I get a call-back. I get interviewed a third time. Maybe I have this job….
….heart sinks a thousand miles into the earth when I learn “nope, we picked the other candidate.”
I have $10.16 left in my bank account, I am in deep debt having paid for groceries with my credit card, no one bought my house, my mortgage is due in a week. It’s my birthday in two.
The lovely man I met who I am seeing often now, the only person who knows my true situation besides my family, writes a letter to everyone in my email address book (I think it’s for my birthday when he asks).
I’m questioning my thoughts and finding maybe, just maybe, I can walk away from this home and foreclose on it, and survive the blow–although it might be hard, and a long climb out. I feel the support of the couch I still own underneath me. I feel the unknowingness of the future, the strangeness of loss, the deep sadness of having no place of my own to live.
I feel the turnaround “I have enough” even if I lose everything. Not having money does not equal death. I think of the house I grew up in, no longer in the family. I think of the house I owned with my former husband at Greenlake. I think of our big Lake Forest Park home we also used to have.
Gone, gone, and gone. I can lose this one too, and survive.
I go to dance, barely enough gas in my car to get there. The due date of my mortgage just passed. I’m a day late for the first time. Foreclosure will begin after 3 late payments.
I dance with huge energy, with abandon, nothing left to lose. I dance the turnarounds to my beliefs “I need more money” and “I am a failure” and “I am not capable of working or earning a living” and “it will be shameful to live with my mother in my forties with my two kids” and “no one wants to hire me”.
I dance my turnarounds: I do NOT need more money, I am a success, I am capable of working and earning a living, it will be wonderful to live with my mother and my kids, everyone wants to hire me.
I dance nothing being true. I dance not knowing anything.
At the end of the dance, my friend Mary says…”as usual, we’re honoring birthdays tonight….and we have a special one. Grace, could you come to the center of the circle?”
What?
I shyly walk into the center of the huge circle of dancers all holding hands. My new boyfriend steps forward, with my friend Mary, and they hand me an envelope. It’s thick, and open at the top because it can’t be closed, too puffed full.
I look inside, the room dark, aware of all eyes on me.
Money.
My eyes tear up and I hold back a choked up sob, and look up, feeling stunned, barely able to say “thank you, thank you.”
Later undoing the envelope, there are checks and bills of all amounts, and my sweetheart shows me paypal donations from friends and family I haven’t seen in years, who have all donated to a birthday bucket. For me.
I have enough to call the mortgage company the next day and say I am sending the mortgage payment, can you please withdraw the late fee? They say yes.
The day after that, I get a call from the company where I had three interviews and they tell me they’ve created a part time job and I’ve got the position, if I want it.
A few days after that, someone calls me to ask if she could hire me to facilitate her in The Work of Byron Katie–my first ever client.
What did I do for any of this?
As I look back now….all I can see is….nothing.
Nothing but question my thoughts. And tell the truth. And share with others. And not be so dreadfully serious, about money.
Later on, as I got excited about business, and needing a website, and creating curriculum, and learning technology, and working with more people, and sharing and earning and being of service, I started taking classes in things I wanted to learn about. I had the money to pay for them, so I signed up. As I learned more, I kept doing The Work.
Last year, I joined a coaching group with Selena. I was such a serious student, doing everything she mentioned without hesitation (OK, there was hesitation, and I did The Work). I loved her course because it was built for shy people, like me….and for those who wanted to grow but not be weird or gross about it.
And because of what happened, Selena interviewed me, so now I’m on the internet as one of her student examples of “success”.
Wow.
I’ve repaid every last penny of debt, except for my mortgage–which has never, ever been late (just between us, we know that’s not actually true, but the late fee was removed and no record of that fateful day in January 2009 was kept, as far as I know).
I guess losing my house entirely was not required, because that’s not what happened (my adorable cottage where many retreats have been held). I guess I’ve always needed exactly the amount of money I’ve had, not any more, or any less. I guess I didn’t need to move into my mother’s basement (we have a very loving, kind relationship now). I guess I didn’t need to even work hard or earn every penny. I guess I really don’t know much about anything and what it’s happening for.
And you know what?
My financial failure was one of the best experiences of my entire life.
The turnaround is TRUER.
I would have never, ever seen the magnificent generosity of humans when asked to help out. I would have never learned of the kindness of my own mother, my sisters, my extended family. I would have never learned of the unconditional acceptance of my boyfriend who became my husband. I would have never learned to love learning and growing so much, and to love the wild nature of having a business. I would have never learned to hold still and notice if money was really required for happiness. I would have never become so clear.
I would have never done so much that terrified me….and have it turn out fabulous.
“The Master view the parts with compassion, because he understands the whole. His constant practice is humility. He doesn’t glitter like a jewel but lets himself be shaped by the Tao, as rugged and common as a stone. ” ~ Tao Te Ching #40
Much love, Grace
P.S. Selena offered a teaching webinar earlier this week for self-employed folks. It is available for replay today only. In it are some great ideas, you might love it to assist your work if you’re an artist, coach, counselor, holistic sort. Literally, Selena will be taking her webinar down and starting her next group of Get Known Get Clients very soon (which I do recommend also).
I found out I’m in one more little video share about my coach Selena Soo’s upcoming program that I participated in a year ago (the trailer)! Click HERE to watch it.
I thought I looked a little pale in the video. OK, and old.
your appearance is not you—have you noticed yet?
Gawd, how embarrassing to admit I have self-judgments on appearances. But it’s so common, right? I hear people say things like “I look terrible!” as they go through photos.
Let’s take a look at these kinds of worries about “looks”.
Because one thing I see in my life is….looks change, looks go down hill, and looks certainly don’t get you what you think you want.
Eating Peace, the basic Core Teleclass is underway right now….and we’ll be diving into this over two weeks in our second module together. Judgments about appearance. Judgments about thinness and fatness.
You can’t really ignore that often the reason we think we need to lose weight or handle our eating is because we’ll look better if we do. We’ll be thin. We won’t be judged badly.
But when I looked at the video trailer above, my thoughts, even though I don’t think I need to lose weight, were basically the same.
I don’t look good.
Now, here’s a great question to ask yourself.
Why do I want to look better (thinner, younger, more full of color, more vibrant, energetic, happy, entertaining, calm, wise, relaxed, confident, successful, wealthy, fun….however you notice you want to appear)??
I always find that the reason I want to look “x” is so people won’t reject me and they’ll be connected to me.
Maybe I’ll get a partner, or be admired in some way, or get clients, or gain something.
Just the other day, I was working with an absolutely lovely client who shared something she was thinking that kept her from going out.
Acne.
I remembered as I facilitated her that I had done a talk at the Institute for The Work last January, and not realizing it would be filmed, I wore drawstring pants and a simple flow-y sweater over a tank top.
OK, basically it looked like I was wearing sweat pants.
OK, I WAS wearing sweatpants. FINE.
If I had worn a casual suit or some kind of cool, hip, nice clothing, the whole thing would have been better.
Why did I want to look “better”?
So people would take me seriously, not reject me, learn something from my talk that was helpful and supportive, be inspired. I’d make a difference. I’d be doing something of value, rather than a waste of time.
What is the stressful view, the risk, the difficulty, the hardship about not looking good, and what it might bring?
So here’s the deep underlying belief I notice that persists and repeats itself: How I look produces connection, or separation. So I better look right, or good (if I want connection)……or else.
Let’s do The Work.
Is it true, that the way I look results in connection, or separation…..and God knows, we want connection (right)?
You need to be admired. You need a boyfriend. You need clients. You need other people to like you. You need to appeal to others. You need money or success. You need approval. You need connection.
How you look assists you getting these things.
Is it true?
Phew. Woah. Ummm.
No.
I notice people who look every kind of way imaginable have wonderful and incredibly inspirational lives. Like Stephen Hawking. Or Nick Vujicic. Or Turia Pitt. Or Peg Phillips.
This work is not about kicking yourself for being concerned with your appearance, thinking you shouldn’t be noticing such a thing, believing thoughts like “I’m such a loser that I care about my appearance so much, there must be something wrong with me.”
This also doesn’t work.
It rubs some salt in your wound. It’s another way you react when you believe you need to look a certain way in order to get what you want and swinging to the opposite, thinking you shouldn’t ever, ever care at all. Judging your own mind, your own thoughts.
So who would you be without this story of “looks”?
Who would you be without the belief you need the attention, success, approval….or whatever it is you want, and your looks could get it?
I find it so super fun, exciting, thrilling to be without the story of looks.
Now, I do know I’ve had a life being in a pretty awesome body that seems to be approved of by society. Athletic, healthy, appealing. But I can also say it did nothing for my happiness.
I had the same mind as everyone else, the same kinds of fears, the same anxiety when linking my looks to love, approval or appreciation.
I can so turn the thought of “looks” being important around.
They aren’t.
What’s an example?
I’m 55 years old and much older looking than when I was 25, but my life is soooooo much better now. I feel supported by the world, by people, by reality. I’ve met hundreds of people in this lifetime who are deeply happy who are every age, race, ability. When I was a teen, I was sick with anxiety about my appearance and very unhappy, and developed an eating disorder.
I notice I’m delighted by the variety of humans I meet. I notice their appearance, of course, just like we all do. I notice their manner, their style, their facial expressions, their clothes. The world is full of the art of human form. Lovely.
Now, here’s the funny thing with this whole thought, and finding turnarounds.
What if I shouted HOORAY and did the YAYHOO turnaround?
My looks matter! WOOHOO!
Um. Wait.
Didn’t we just undo that thought?
What if it was entertaining, and fascinating, to notice reality: youth, appearance, natural, make up, haircuts, aging, wrinkles, heavy, light, fat, thin, dark, small, big, fast, slow, this body, that body, feminine, masculine.
What if it all matters and doesn’t matter at all, at the same time?
Who would I be without the stress around it, simply noticing?
“When they believe their thoughts, people divide reality into opposites. They think that only certain things are beautiful. But to a clear mind, everything in the world is beautiful in its own way. Only by believing your own thoughts can you make the real unreal. If you don’t separate reality into categories by naming it and believing that your names are real, how can you reject anything or believe that one thing is of less value than another? The mind’s job is to prove that what it thinks is true, and it does that by judging and comparing this to that.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
I sit and feel the joy of not knowing anything at all. Seeing, looking, listening, tasting, touching, smelling, feeling.
they love me, I love me, I love them living the turnarounds is….exciting
In the past several years, doing The Work regularly, I’ve become super interested in the Living Turnarounds.
You might wonder what I’m talking about?
When we do The Work….the four questions, followed by finding turnarounds, or opposites, to the concepts we’re questioning….
….we often find turnarounds that “clunk” (as one lovely participant put it in the spring retreat this past weekend).
It’s like the turnaround makes you take palm and hit forehead.
For example: I once did The Work (many times in fact) on a very dear friend who reacted abruptly to something she thought I did that wasn’t accurate.
While the thing she reacted to wasn’t actually true….I still deeply investigated “she doesn’t care about me” because of what happened.
When I said out loud the first turnaround I saw clearly “I didn’t care about her” I sat for a few minutes thinking, nope, I definitely cared very much about her!
But I knew to keep sitting with it, and find even the smallest example, to open up my mind (for my own benefit, not because I “should”).
As I waited, I began to realize; Oh. I listened to her talk on the phone for long periods of time without saying “I need to hang up now” and secretly resenting the length of time I was in the conversation. I never told her I don’t like to hang out in bars or buy exotic drinks. I was occasionally jealous of her fortune, and the fact she didn’t have to work for a living.
I didn’t exactly have kind, compassionate, loving thoughts towards her at all times. I wasn’t honest. I judged her and never brought up my irritations–which in real friendship is hard, but deeply valuable and connecting when you can sort through it.
These were all ways I didn’t care. I secretly harbored many unpleasant thoughts about her.
Dang. I was not truly caring about the friendship, not really steppin’ up to an honest, genuine connection. And I had been doing it a long time, maybe most of the so-called friendship.
Another turnaround I found in my work on that friend was of course “I didn’t care about myself”.
Again palm to forehead.
Clunk.
Why didn’t I speak up for what I really wanted, or say NO if I didn’t want to go to that loud, brightly-lit bar or to spend precious money on fancy hors d’oeuvres?!
Which brings me back to this experience of looking closely at the Living Turnarounds.
If I lived my life, actually caring for myself, or feeling the way she DID care for me instead of being so sure she didn’t….
….what would it look like?
I began to notice when I didn’t say “no” or speak up. I began to include my own desires and wants and preferences in activities, with respect and love for myself (whatever this ‘self’ was).
Instead of ignoring when I wanted to say “no” to an invitation in order to be pleasing to someone else and not shake any feathers, I said “no”. I started feeling a sense of trust for myself, like I would take care of me without guilt, without hurting anyone else, without pretending anything.
Instead of believing someone didn’t care about me, I realized they might care enormously. I felt the sense of them caring. It was warm, kind….even somehow recognizable.
Of course they care. How very dear, tender and loving they are. Even if they seem confused or do things I learned were supposed to mean “they don’t care”….
….I could imagine the turnaround. I could feel how it was just a possible, even more probable, that they DID care (even my old friend)!
Slowly I lived the turnaround. And it grew bigger.
It’s been a little here, a little there. Speaking up just a little more, and a little more. Sharing my inner heart. Noticing when I haven’t responded to a request quite right and saying something then. Or maybe I have a question for someone in order to understand what my own answer is. Or I decide to spend time with someone face-to-face so we’re on the same page and learn about each other.
There hasn’t been a major turning point, as I’ve lived this new turnaround of caring about myself, caring about others, feeling the care people have for me, and trusting there’s a wonderful solution that works (if there’s a conflict) however long it takes.
This Living Turnaround is nothing super dramatic. I don’t have a story to share like “one day I said NO and everyone dropped their jaw in shock and from that point forward, I was the president of the United States”.
Ha ha!
But little by little, as this turnaround has come alive, whatever I am appears to be much more honest, speaking the truth when I know it, honoring whatever’s true inside me with loving kindness.
“Realization has no value until it’s lived.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
If you want to move closer into living your turnarounds, the ones that “clunk” (feel true and right for you) then spend a little time feeling in your body what they might be like, each day.
Ask yourself what you would do, how you would walk, how you would talk, what you would say, how you would live, if this turnaround were just as true or truer, than your original stressful belief.
The best news of all?
You don’t even have to believe it 100%.
Everyone and everything cares about me. I care for every part of myself. I care for everyone and everything.
What would it be like, today, to live this turnaround and act like it was true?
In our Year of Inquiry group, this month we’re looking at The Worst That Could Happen.
Nice and cheery. (Ha ha).
But here’s the thing. Doing The Work on events we’ve found terrible, tragic, horrifying, difficult….seems to expand the mind to include not only the sense of being shattered (no denial of the event in other words) but MORE than only this.
How does that work, being shattered and yet alive, even whole?
It’s the strange paradox of life apparently, part of the duality everyone is speaking about.
(I don’t think of duality as a terrible thing, by the way, and like we all must get to NON-dual ASAP, or else….)
When our Year of Inquiry group is investigating terrible tragedy, or frightening images and visions (the worst that could happen) we notice there’s a never-ending supply of ideas the mind can come up with.
That’s not what this work is about….accumulating scary pictures and scaring ourselves with them, like watching horror movies on purpose.
What this exercise is about, for me, is addressing fear, and noticing what’s actually really true.
Almost every time I’ve considered something “horrifying” or a really bad terrible experience, it’s not as bad as I thought.
Long ago, I was driving on a long road trip with my former husband.
We were in the very last week of our 3 month adventure, driving through tall yellow wheat fields in California on a small blue highway. Rounding a corner in the late afternoon/early evening sun, we saw a truck turned up on its side, and two bodies lying on the earth some distance from the truck.
We stopped.
The bodies were moving. Everything came into consciousness very fast.
Woman, bloody head, turning from side to back, calling out. Small boy, no blood, lying face down quite a few feet away. We’re both jumping out of the car, doors slam, I run to woman, he runs to boy. High alert. Woman talking, moaning, drunk. Boy shaken opening eyes. My husband getting a blanket, boy standing up, lots of blood coming out of a big cut in woman’s forehead.
Two other cars stopping on the road. Someone shouting they’re going back to store to call 911. This was before anyone had a cell phone (1990). I stay with mother of the boy, holding her hand which she’s squeezing, trying to keep a towel on her bloody head and it’s not working well since she’s moving around, worried about her boy, not thinking clearly. Her leg is in a crazy twisted position and must be broken.
In the dusk, a helicopter. First aid men running. We can leave now.
Back in the car, everything was back to normal motion.
Can you believe that happened? We say to each other.
We’re far later traveling to our destination than anticipated. My sister’s place where she lives while she goes to school at Berkeley. We hear her worried voice when we stop to call and say what happened. She waits up.
We arrive at 11:00 pm. At midnight, I can’t sleep. At 1:00 am. At 2:00 am. at 3:30 am. I basically stay up all night, adrenaline coursing through me AFTER the whole thing was over. I was entirely safe. I was always entirely safe, but my mind is seriously freaking out, seeing the pictures of what happened over and over.
During the whole thing, I was waiting, calm but extremely awake. I never thought once that time was passing too slowly. I had no reference for time passing at all as we waited for help, as I held this woman’s hand and tried to stop the blood from her head and wondered if I should try to move her twisted leg and decided against it.
I can’t sleep more than 2 hours for 3 nights.
Then I start telling myself I shouldn’t be so freaked out, it didn’t even happen to me, no one died, what’s wrong with me am I too sensitive?
The truth is, that was a traumatic, sudden, surprising situation.
Often, sudden surprises like this are shocking….and they are The Worst That Could Happen.
But what I see now, from here, from doing The Work on this very situation even though it happened 26 years ago, was how everything was present there, including peace: support (the earth), first aid, me and my then-husband, a beautiful California night, my sister’s home, a quiet landscape with soft wind blowing.
Maybe it was the end of drinking for the mother, the end of her driving while drunk. Maybe it was the end of them not using seat belts.
I really don’t know what it meant in their story, all I can know is what I assumed it meant in mine. My entire psychic, physical, mental and emotional system held the belief “this is the worst, it should never happen, there is no good that can come out of this event or any event like it, the world is a dangerous place.”
Was it true?
Could I absolutely know that situation was 100% entirely dangerous, and no good could come from it?
No.
I’m here. Nothing fundamentally permanently terrible really happened, to be honest.
How did I react when I believed it was terrible, dangerous, horrifying?
Surged like an electric fence with anxiety. Repeating the event over and over and over in my head for days, then weeks, and even now I can remember it vividly.
Who would I be without the belief it was the worst that could happen, a terrible event….dangerous?
Huh? Weird.
Although I see, it’s only dangerous to my mind. This body was untouched. There were many healthy bodies all helping out. The hurt bodies of the boy and his mother appeared to be intact (not dead, that’s for sure).
What was in danger? My mind! My believing! Threatened! Scared! Panicked!
Who would I be without the thought the world is a dangerous place, as I consider that scene?
Somehow…..empty. But a good kind of empty, like a light unknowable, unknowing empty. It’s almost funny for some weird reason, right now.
Life went on. I have lived for 26 more years past that incident, and had many, many good times and awe-struck moments, and love, and peace, and awareness and difficulty and loss and clarity.
It seems we’re all here temporarily, I notice. What if this is a good thing? What if I trusted Reality?
Without the belief the world is dangerous, I notice I’m sitting at a table in a quiet living room, writing. I hear a lawn mower in the distance outside, and the refrigerator humming.
“Who or what would you be without this story? You’ve already been living the worst that could happen. Imagination without investigation. Lost in hell. No way out….But there’s not dark hole you can go into where inquiry won’t follow. Inquiry lives inside of you if you nurture it for awhile. Then it takes on its own life and automatically nurtures you. And you’re never given more pain than you can handle. You never, ever get more than you can take. That’s a promise.” ~ Byron Katie
